What to do for a girlfriend who lost her mother

flip-flop · Post by **flip-flop** » Mon Nov 17, 2008 3:46 pm

I have been trying to come up with something thoughtful and different to send to one of my close friends who just lost her mother after a brutal and short bout with cancer. The end came faster than any of us expected and I just don't think flowers are fitting!

Any suggestions welcome!

Oh and in addition - she just finalized her divorce today. So its been one hell of a 2008 for her.

augie · Post by **augie** » Mon Nov 17, 2008 3:54 pm

Do you have any pictures that her and her mother are in from happier times? If so, maybe a copy in a nice frame along with a book of comforting thoughts/sayings.

alw1977 · Post by **alw1977** » Mon Nov 17, 2008 4:06 pm

2008 has been a bad year for a lot of people I know. Boo to 2008.

This is a tough one, but how good of a friend are we talking about? Do you think your presence would cheer her up? If so, could you buy her a plane ticket to come visit you or vice versa? When you're going through so much, sometimes just getting away or having a friend come visit are the best things. I don't know if she has help, but doing the post-death administrative stuff is the worst.

I'm always a fan of massages or other spa-related gifts for people going through tough times.

Jo Ann - VA · Post by **Jo Ann - VA** » Mon Nov 17, 2008 4:07 pm

I lost my Mother the same way six years ago this month. What meant the most to me was friends actually taking the time to come see me and being there for me.
I would go visit her and take a card and in the card tell her you would like to spend an afternoon or evening with her doing what ever she would like. Dinner and a movie? Girls night out? Whatever. Spending time with her and listening to her right now is what she needs. Flowers and food are great at a time like this but actually spending time with her is the best in my opinion.

jmq · Post by **jmq** » Mon Nov 17, 2008 4:10 pm

Sorry to hear that.
Do something small now, but buy tickets to something or otherwise make firm plans to spend time with her a month or two from now when everybody else has put it behind them already, esp considering the inevitable pre or post holiday blues. She has the shock phase now, and support will be needed for the grieving that will come later.

flip-flop · Post by **flip-flop** » Mon Nov 17, 2008 4:15 pm

She lives close-by ... so the wine and dinner and food sharing is a given. I just feel like I need to do something more for her.

Thank you for the suggestions. She's asked that I fastforward to 2009 for her, but somehow that's just not working out

promoguy · Post by **promoguy** » Mon Nov 17, 2008 4:34 pm

There are many cancer support groups or even the specific cancer itself. Maybe you could do a donation in the name of the mother.

lisak428 · Post by **lisak428** » Mon Nov 17, 2008 4:47 pm

Flip-Flop-
I lost my mom very young to a brief but ugly battle with cancer. (I also went through a divorce a year or so later) I can tell you from personal experience that your friend is suffering an inordinate amount of grief right now. After my mom died, my best friend gave me this book with some thoughtful words written by her. I think it's a good book (and it also relates to divorce)

http://www.amazon.com/Survive-Loss-Love-Peter-
McWilliams/dp/0931580439

I hope it helps. Just being there and supporting her is the best gift. I'm sure you've got that down.

Regards,
Lisa

California Girl · Post by **California Girl** » Mon Nov 17, 2008 5:12 pm

Can you help her with any "administrative" tasks? Answering condolences, running errands, etc.? Those little things can take a huge load off a person.

Carolyn · Post by **Carolyn** » Mon Nov 17, 2008 5:25 pm

You are getting some very nice suggestions, and you will know what the right thing is for you and your friend.

What I remember most of loosing my mother to cancer (almost 20 years ago now) was the friends who allowed me to talk and they in turn knew how to listen.

Stuff is nice too but being that friend is helpful. There is alot of processing that must take place in her head and it takes time.

Being available for her is priceless !

loria · Post by **loria** » Mon Nov 17, 2008 5:31 pm

flip,
i lost my mom in a pretty quick end to a very long bout with substance abuse (she had 20 years of sobriety under her belt)--
it was very tough--but having a friend to have dinner with, get out (i think i hibernated for about a month--then was in a daze for a year)
have some wine, get a massage or a pedicure --and if she has kids, getting some time to herself (babysit) would be really welcome--
also keep an eye on her in terms of depression, check in with her--and if she would allow it, sometimes having a cleaning service come in if she hasn't been able to keep up with stuff might be nice too--i think as everyone here has already said, just being a shoulder to lean on and an ear for listening is really key

waterguy · Post by **waterguy** » Mon Nov 17, 2008 6:18 pm

When my wife died some of her friends gave me a bench carved with her favorite saying in it it sits by the pool so when I'm out there I sit there and talk to her.

designbyroe · Post by **designbyroe** » Mon Nov 17, 2008 6:57 pm

flip-flop wrote:She lives close-by ... so the wine and dinner and food sharing is a given. I just feel like I need to do something more for her.

Thank you for the suggestions. She's asked that I fastforward to 2009 for her, but somehow that's just not working out

I think the wine and dinner is such a good idea. Just being there for her would be enough.
I lost my mom 2 yrs ago this thanksgiving. She had battled lung cancer for almost 2 yrs. I JUST lost my sister to mastasized lung cancer. It was in her bones.
It will be a month tomm. I went to St. John and Jost with Lulu and friends and I will say......just having people that care about you and letting you know that they care is soooooo special........

alw1977 · Post by **alw1977** » Mon Nov 17, 2008 9:44 pm

Flip, since she lives in your area, would it be possible to arrange a girl's night away sometime? Maybe drive a couple of hours away, get a pedicure, have a nice dinner, etc? I just remember that when my dad died, I was so incredibly lonely about 6-9 months after it happened. Everyone else moves on and thinks that you will too, but the hardest days are usually well after that initial shock wears off. I think it's good to do something nice now, but just being there is the key. Maybe a few months from now plan a girl's day for the Spring - she'll probably appreciate you not forgetting, especially since this year was a double whammy of suck.

flip-flop · Post by **flip-flop** » Mon Nov 17, 2008 10:13 pm

Thank you all for the suggestions and feedback. I now have a short term and long term plan in mind.

Today I sent her some red wine filled truffles because what's better than chocolate ... chocolate filled with wine

and I also set up dinner with her for next week.

I know she has a lot of close friends who are closing ranks around her and will get her through the holidays...it is truly about not forgetting about her when life gets back to normal.

You guys all confirmed what I know to be true...just being there is the best gift I can give.

usvi-on-line

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What to do for a girlfriend who lost her mother

What to do for a girlfriend who lost her mother