Christmas jokes

shoemak38 · Post by **shoemak38** » Fri Dec 23, 2011 9:06 am

Happy Holidays

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.'In honor of this holy season' Saint Peter said,
'You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.
'The man from New York fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on.
'It represents a candle', he said.'You may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Peter said.

The man from New Mexico reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, 'They're bells.'
Saint Peter said 'You may pass through the pearly gates'.

The Texan started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.
St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, 'And just what do those symbolize?'
The Texan replied, 'These are Carols.'
... and So The Christmas Season Begins.

shoemak38 · Post by **shoemak38** » Fri Dec 23, 2011 9:09 am

shoemak38 · Post by **shoemak38** » Fri Dec 23, 2011 9:11 am

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: November 1, 2011
RE: Gala Christmas Party

I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will
take place on December 23rd, starting at noon in the private
function room at the Grill House.

There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks! We'll have a
small band playing traditional carols... feel free to sing along.
And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa
Claus!

A Christmas tree will be lighted at 1:00 PM. Exchanges of gifts
among employees can be done at that time; however, no gift should
be over $10.00 to make the giving of gifts easy for everyone's
pockets.

This gathering is only for employees!

Our CEO will make a special announcement at that time!

Merry Christmas to you and your family,

Patty

=========================================

Company Memo

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: November 2, 2011
RE: Gala Holiday Party

In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish
employees. We recognize that Hanukkah is an important holiday,
which often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not
this year.

However, from now on, we're calling it our "Holiday Party." The
same policy applies to any other employees who are not Christians
and to those still celebrating Reconciliation Day.

There will be no Christmas tree and no Christmas carols will be
sung.

We will have other types of music for your enjoyment.

Happy now?

Happy Holidays to you and your family,

Patty

=========================================

Company Memo

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: November 3, 2011
RE: Holiday Party

Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics
Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table, you didn't sign your
name.

I'm happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a
table that reads, "AA Only", you wouldn't be anonymous anymore.
How am I supposed to handle this?

Somebody?

And sorry, but forget about the gift exchange, no gifts are
allowed since the union members feel that $10.00 is too much
money and the executives believe $10.00 is a little chintzy.

REMEMBER: NO GIFTS EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.

Patty

=========================================

Company Memo

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
To: All Employees
DATE: November 4, 2011
RE: Generic Holiday Party

What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20th
begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and
drinking during daylight hours.

There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a
luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim
employees' beliefs. Perhaps the Grill House can hold off on
serving your meal until the end of the party or else package
everything for you to take it home in little foil doggy baggy.
Will that work?

Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit
farthest from the dessert buffet, and pregnant women will get the
table closest to the restrooms.

Gays are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not have to
sit with Gay men, each group will have their own table.

Yes, there will be a flower arrangement for the Gay men's table.

To the person asking permission to cross-dress, the Grill House
asks that no cross-dressing be allowed, apparently because of
concerns about confusion in the restrooms. Sorry.

We will have booster seats for short people.

Low-fat food will be available for those on a diet.

I am sorry to report that we cannot control the amount of salt
used in the food . The Grill House suggests that people with
high blood pressure taste a bite first.

There will be fresh "low sugar" fruits as dessert for diabetics,
but the restaurant cannot supply "no sugar" desserts. Sorry!

Did I miss anything?!?!?

Patty

=========================================

Company Memo

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All F*%^ing Employees
DATE: November 5, 2011
RE: The F*%^ing Holiday Party

I've had it with you vegetarian pricks!!! We're going to keep
this party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you
can sit quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of death,"
as you so quaintly put it, and you'll get your f*%^ing salad bar,
including organic tomatoes.

But you know, tomatoes have feelings, too. They scream when you
slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing them scream
right NOW!

The rest of you f*%^ing weirdo's can kiss my *ss. I hope you all
have a rotten holiday!

Drive drunk and die,

The B*tch from H*ll!!!

=========================================

Company Memo

FROM: Joan Bishop, Acting Human Resources Director
DATE: November 8, 2011
RE: Patty Lewis and Holiday Party

I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy
recovery from her recent nervous breakdown and I'll continue to
forward your cards to her at the asylum.

In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our Holiday
Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full
pay.

Happy Whatever!

Joan

shoemak38 · Post by **shoemak38** » Fri Dec 23, 2011 9:13 am

shoemak38 · Post by **shoemak38** » Fri Dec 23, 2011 9:27 am

A TOUCHING CHRISTMAS STORY

A couple was Christmas shopping at the mall on Christmas Eve and the
mall was packed.

Walking through the mall the surprised wife look up and noticed her
husband
was no where around and she was very upset because they had a lot to do.

She used her cell phone to call her husband because she was so upset, to
ask him where he was.

The husband in a calm voice said, honey remember the jewelry store we
went
into 5 years ago where you fell in love with that diamond necklace that
we
could not afford and I told you that I would get it for you one day.

His wife said crying, yes, I remember that jewelry store.

He said, well I'm in the bar right next to it.

shoemak38 · Post by **shoemak38** » Fri Dec 23, 2011 9:27 am

shoemak38 · Post by **shoemak38** » Fri Dec 23, 2011 9:30 am

shoemak38 · Post by **shoemak38** » Fri Dec 23, 2011 9:33 am

I like to take this time to wish you a Merry Christmas, please click on the virtual Christmas card below

MERRY CHRISTMAS ! & All the Best in 2012

Click on Christmas Card >>>>>> http://ak.imgag.com/imgag/product/previ ... 7/graphic1

lprof · Post by **lprof** » Fri Dec 23, 2011 9:44 am

A gazillion things to do... where am I? Here.
Laughing... thanks to you, shoemak38!!!

Merry Christmas to you and all your kin!

And for you and all the rest of VIOL, I offer this greeting...
http://www.jacquielawson.com/viewcard.a ... urce=jl999

augie · Post by **augie** » Fri Dec 23, 2011 10:56 am

A Christmas Story you have to hear!

(This is an article submitted to theLouisville Sentinel in contest to find out who had the wildest Christmas dinners. It won first prize.)

As a joke, my brother Jay used to hang a pair of panty hose over his fireplace before Christmas.

He said all he wanted was for Santa to fill them.

What they say about Santa checking the list twice must be true because every Christmas morning,although Jay's kids' stockings overflowed, his poor pantyhose hung sadly empty.

One year I decided to make his dream come true. I put on sunglasses and went in search of an inflatable love doll.

They don't sell those things at Wal -Mart. I had to go to an adult bookstore downtown.

If you've never been in an X-rated store, don't go, you'll only confuse yourself.

I was there an hour saying things like, 'What does this do?' 'You're kidding me!'

'Who would buy that?' Finally, I made it to the inflatable doll section.

I wanted to buy a standard, uncomplicated doll that could also substitute as a passenger in my truck so I could use the car pool lane during rush hour.

Finding what I wanted was difficult. 'Love Dolls' come in many different models.

The top of the line, according to the side of the box, could do things I'd only seen in a book on animal husbandry.

I settled for 'Lovable Louise'. She was at the bottom of the price scale.

To call Louise a 'Doll' took a huge leap of imagination.

On Christmas Eve and with the help of an old bicycle pump, Louise came to life.

My sister-in-law was in on the plan and let me in during the wee morning hours.

Long after Santa had come and gone, I filled the dangling pantyhose with Louise's pliant legs and bottom.

I also ate some cookies and drank what remained of a glass of milk on a nearby tray.

I went home, and giggled for a couple of hours.

The next morning my brother called to say that Santa had been to his house and left a present that had made him VERY happy, but had left the dog confused. She would bark,
start to walk away, then come back and bark some more.

We all agreed that Louise should remain in her pantyhose so the rest of the family couldadmire her when they came over=2 0for the traditional Christmas dinner.

My grandmother noticed Louise the moment she walked in the door. 'What the hell is that?' she asked.

My brother quickly explained, 'It's a Doll.'

'Who would play with something like that?' Granny snapped.

I kept my mouth shut.

'Where are her clothes?' Granny continued.

'Boy, that turkey sure smells nice, Gran,' Jay said, to steer her into the dining room.

But Granny was relentless. 'Why doesn't she have any teeth?'

Again, I could have answered, but why would I? It was Christmas and no one wantedto ride in the back of the ambulance saying, 'Hang on Granny, hang on!'

My grandfather, a delightful old man with poor eyesight, sidled up to me and said,'Hey, who's the naked gal by the fireplace?' I told him she was Jay's friend.

A few minutes later I noticed Grandpa by the mantel, talking to Louise.Not just talking, but actually flirting.

It was then that we realized this might be Grandpa's last Christmas at home.

The dinner went well. We made the usual small talk about who had died, who was dying,and who should be killed, when suddenly Louise made a noise like my father in the bathroom in the morning.

Then she lurched from the mantel, flew around the room twice, and fell in a heap in front of the sofa.

The cat screamed. I passed cranberry sauce through my nose, and Grandpa ran across the room,fell to his knees, and began administering mouth-to-mouth resuscitation.

My brother fell back over his chair and wet his pants.

Granny threw down her napkin, stomped out of the room, and sat in the car.

It was indeed a Christmas to treasure and remember.

Later in my brother's garage, we conducted a thorough examination to decide the cause of Louise's collapse. We discovered that Louise had suffered from a hot ember to the back of her right thigh.

Fortunately, thanks to a wonder drug called duct tape, we restored her to perfect health.

I can't wait until next Christmas.

shoemak38 · Post by **shoemak38** » Mon Dec 26, 2011 10:35 am

Thanks to my niece a very special JibJab elf yourself Christmas card for everybody
I know I hate clicking other people's links. However, this one is worth it

http://elfyourself.jibjab.com/view/eacT ... pid=ey_url

usvi-on-line

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Christmas jokes

Christmas jokes