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Need a laugh?
Re: Need a laugh?
In a small Southern town there was a "Nativity Scene" that showed great skill and talent had gone into creating it. One small feature bothered me. The three wise men were wearing firemen's helmets. Totally unable to come up with a reason or explanation, I left.
At a "Quick Stop" on the edge of town, I asked the lady behind the counter about the helmets. She exploded into a rage, yelling at me, "You Yankees never do read the Bible!" I assured her that I did, but simply couldn't recall anything about firemen in the Bible.
She jerked her Bible from behind the counter and ruffled through some pages, and finally jabbed her finger at a passage. Sticking it in my face she said, "See, it says right here, 'The three wise man came from afar.'"
At a "Quick Stop" on the edge of town, I asked the lady behind the counter about the helmets. She exploded into a rage, yelling at me, "You Yankees never do read the Bible!" I assured her that I did, but simply couldn't recall anything about firemen in the Bible.
She jerked her Bible from behind the counter and ruffled through some pages, and finally jabbed her finger at a passage. Sticking it in my face she said, "See, it says right here, 'The three wise man came from afar.'"
Re: Need a laugh?
Way down in Louisiana, Boudreaux's old lady had been pregnant for some time and now the time had come. So he brought her to the doctor and the doctor began to deliver the baby. She had a little boy and the doctor looked over at Boudreaux and said, "Hey, Boudreaux! You just had you-self a son! Ain't dat grand!" Boudreaux got excited by this, but just then the doctor spoke up and said, "Hold on! We ain't finished yet!"
The doctor then delivered a little girl. He said, "Hey, Boudreaux! You got you-self a daughter! She a pretty lil ting, too." Boudreaux got kind of puzzled by this and then the doctor said, "Hold on, we still ain't got done yet!" The doctor then delivered another boy and said, "Boudreaux, you just had you-self another boy!"
When Boudreaux and his wife went home with their 3 children, he sat down with his wife and said, "Mama, you remember dat night what we run out of Vaseline and we had to use dat dere tree-in-one Oil?"
His wife said, "Yeah, I do!"
Boudreaux said, "Man, it's a dang good ting we didn't use no WD-forty.
The doctor then delivered a little girl. He said, "Hey, Boudreaux! You got you-self a daughter! She a pretty lil ting, too." Boudreaux got kind of puzzled by this and then the doctor said, "Hold on, we still ain't got done yet!" The doctor then delivered another boy and said, "Boudreaux, you just had you-self another boy!"
When Boudreaux and his wife went home with their 3 children, he sat down with his wife and said, "Mama, you remember dat night what we run out of Vaseline and we had to use dat dere tree-in-one Oil?"
His wife said, "Yeah, I do!"
Boudreaux said, "Man, it's a dang good ting we didn't use no WD-forty.
Re: Need a laugh?
Top Ten Signs You Know You've Joined A Redneck HMO
10. Your Viagra prescription includes a Popsicle stick and some duct tape.
9. The only 100% covered expense is embalming.
8. Your Prozac comes in colors and has little "m"s on each pill.
7. Preventive Care Coverage includes "an apple a day".
6. Your primary care physician is wearing the pants you gave to Goodwill last month.
5. The Lone Star Bar and Grill is an approved pharmacy.
4. The only proctologist lists his address as Rotorooter.
3. The tongue depressors taste faintly of Fudgesicles.
2. Directions to the Dr.'s office include "Take a left when you enter the trailer park".
1. The annual breast exam is conducted at Hooter's
10. Your Viagra prescription includes a Popsicle stick and some duct tape.
9. The only 100% covered expense is embalming.
8. Your Prozac comes in colors and has little "m"s on each pill.
7. Preventive Care Coverage includes "an apple a day".
6. Your primary care physician is wearing the pants you gave to Goodwill last month.
5. The Lone Star Bar and Grill is an approved pharmacy.
4. The only proctologist lists his address as Rotorooter.
3. The tongue depressors taste faintly of Fudgesicles.
2. Directions to the Dr.'s office include "Take a left when you enter the trailer park".
1. The annual breast exam is conducted at Hooter's
Re: Need a laugh?
Q: Did you here about the Packer fan that died at a pie eating contest? A: The cow kicked him in the head! Q: What do you call a 350 pound Packer fan? A: An anorexic! Q: Why can't Matt Forte get into his own driveway? A: Someone painted an endzone on it. Q: How does a Packer fan find a sheep in the vast rolling hills of Wisconsin? A: Satisfying! Q: What do you call a Packer fan with a sheep under his arm? A: A pimp. Q: What's the difference between the Detroit Lions and a dollar bill? A: You can still get four quarters out of a dollar bill. Q: What do the St Louis Rams and possums have in common? A: Both play dead at home and get killed on the road! Q: What is the difference between a New England Patriots fan and a baby? A: The baby will stop whining after awhile. Q: How many Dallas Cowboys does it take to change a tire? A: One, unless it's a blowout, in which case they all show up Q: What do you call 53 millionaires around a TV watching the Super Bowl? A: The Dallas Cowboys. Q: What do the Arizona Cardinals and Billy Graham have in common? A: They both can make 70,000 people stand up and yell "Jesus Christ". Q: How do you keep an St Louis Rams out of your yard? A: Put up goal posts. Q: Why are so many Seattle Seahawks players claiming they have the Swine Flu? A: So They don't have to touch the pigskin! Q: What is a New England Patriots fan's favorite whine? A: "We can't beat the Giants." Q: How do you stop a Atlanta Falcons fan from beating his wife? A: Dress her in a Saints Jersey! Q: What is th difference between a bucket of shit and an Jacksonville Jaguars fan? A: The bucket. Q: If you have a car containing a Cowboys wide receiver, a Cowboys linebacker, and a Dallas Cowboys defensive back, who is driving the car? A: The cop. Q: How do you casterate a Tennessee Titans fan? A: Kick his sister in the mouth Q: What should you do if you find three Detroit Lions football fans buried up to their neck in cement? A: Get more cement. Q: What's the difference between an New England Patriots fan and a carp? A: One is a bottom-feeding, scum sucker, and the other is a fish. Q. How did the Green Bay Packers fan die from drinking milk? A. The cow fell on him! Q: What does an Carolina Panthers fan do when his team has won the Super Bowl? A: He turns off the PlayStation 3. Q: What do you call a Jacksonville Jaguar in the Super Bowl? A: A referee. Q: Did you hear that Detroit Lions football team doesn't have a website? A: They can't string three "Ws" together. Q: How many San Francisco 49ers fans does it take to change a lightbulb? A: None. Lava lamps don’t burn out man! Q: What does an Oakland Raiders fan and a bottle of beer have in common? A: They're both empty from the neck up. Q: Why do Kansas City Chiefs fans keep their season tickets on their dashboards? A: So they can park in handicap spaces. Q: How do the Baltimore Ravens spend the first week of training camp? A: Studying the Miranda Rights Q: What do they call a drug ring in Baltimore? A: A huddle Q: How do you keep an Atlanta Falcons fan from masterbating? A: You paint his dick New Orleans Black & Gold and he won't beat it for 4 years! Q: Why do the Cleveland Browns want to change their name to the Cleveland Tampons? A: Because they are only good for one period and do not have a second string! Q: What's the difference between the Tampa Bay Buccaneers & the Taliban? A: The Taliban has a running game! Q: Where do you go in Chicago in case of a tornado? A: Soldier Field they never get a touchdown there! Q. Why do ducks fly over Ford Field upside down? A. There's nothing worth craping on! Q: Why doesn't Toledo have a professional football team? A: Because then Cleveland would want one. Ravens Fan On the first day of school a first grade teacher explains to her class that she is a Steelers fan. She asks her students to raise their hands if they, too, are Steelers fans. Wanting to impress their teacher, everyone in the class raises their hand except one little girl. The teacher looks at the girl with surprise, 'Janie, why didn't you raise your hand?' Because I'm not a Steelers fan,' she replied. The teacher, still shocked, asked, 'Well, if you are not a Steelers fan, then who are you a fan of?' 'I am a Ravens fan, and proud of it,' Janie replied. The teacher could not believe her ears. 'Janie please tell us why you are a Ravens fan?' "Because my mom is a Ravens fan, and my dad is Ravens fan, so I'm a Ravens fan too!" "Well," said the teacher in a obviously annoyed tone, 'that is no reason for you to be a Ravens fan. You don't have to be just like your parents all of the time. What if your mom was an idiot and your dad was a moron, what would you be then?' "Then," Janie smiled, 'I'd be a Steelers fan.' 4 Football Fans A Redskins fan, an Eagles fan, a Ravens fan, and a Steelers fan are climbing a mountain and arguing about who loves his team more. The Redskins fan insists he is the most loyal. 'This is for the Redskins! ' he yells, and jumps off the side of the mountain. Not to be outdone, the Eagles fan shouts, 'This is for the Eagles!' and throws himself off the mountain. The Ravens fan is next to profess his love for his team. He yells, 'This is for everyone!' and pushes the Steelers fan off the mountain. Football Girlfriend A guy took his girlfriend to her first football game. Afterward he asked her how she liked the game. "I liked it, but I couldn't understand why they were killing each other for 25 cents," she said. "What do you mean?" he asked. "Well, everyone kept yelling, 'Get the quarter back!'" Football Exam Two Florida State football players, Bubba and Tiny, were taking an important exam. If they failed, they would be on academic probation and not allowed to play in the big game the following week. The exam was "fill in the blank" and the last question read, "Old MacDonald had a____." Bubba was stumped -- he had no idea what to answer, but he knew he needed to get this one right to be sure he passed. Making sure the teacher wasn't watching, he tapped Tiny in the shoulder. "Tiny, what's the answer to the last question?" Tiny laughed, then looked around to make sure the professor hadn't noticed. He turned to Bubba and said, "Bubba, you're so stupid. Everyone knows that Old MacDonald had a FARM." "Oh yeah," said Bubba, "I remember now." he picked up his No. 2 pencil and started to write the answer in the blank. Then he stopped. Tapping Tiny on the shoulder, he whispered, "Tiny, how do you spell farm?" "You are really dumb, Bubba. that's so easy," hissed Tiny, "farm is spelled ‘E-I-E-I-O’."
source: http://www.jokes4us.com/sportsjokes/footballjokes.html
source: http://www.jokes4us.com/sportsjokes/footballjokes.html
Re: Need a laugh?
What are the two biggest lies when working for a large corporation?
"Hello. I'm from the head office and I'm here to help you"
"Welcome. We're glad to have you"
On a beautiful Sunday afternoon in the midst of the French Revolution the revolting citizens led a priest, a drunkard and an engineer to the guillotine. They ask the priest if he wants to face up or down when he meets his fate. The priest says he would like to face up so he will be looking towards heaven when he dies. They raise the blade of the guillotine and release it. It comes speeding down and suddenly stops just inches from his neck. The authorities take this as divine intervention and release the priest.
The drunkard comes to the guillotine next. He also decides to die face up, hoping that he will be as fortunate as the priest. They raise the blade of the guillotine and release it. It comes speeding down and suddenly stops just inches from his neck. Again, the authorities take this as a sign of divine intervention, and they release the drunkard as well.
Next is the engineer. He, too, decides to die facing up. As they slowly raise the blade of the guillotine, the engineer suddenly says, "Hey, I see what your problem is ..."
I recall my first time with a condom, I was 16 or so. I went in to buy a packet of condoms at the pharmacy. There was this beautiful woman assistant behind the counter, and she could see that I was new at it. She handed me the package and asked if I knew how to wear one. I honestly answered, 'No, this is my first time.' So she unwrapped the package, took one out and slipped it over her thumb. She cautioned me to make sure it was on tight and secure. I apparently still looked confused. So she looked all around the store to see if it was empty. It was empty. 'Just a minute,' she said, and walked to the door, and locked it. Taking my hand, she led me into the back room, unbuttoned her blouse and removed it. She unhooked her bra and laid it aside.
"Hello. I'm from the head office and I'm here to help you"
"Welcome. We're glad to have you"
On a beautiful Sunday afternoon in the midst of the French Revolution the revolting citizens led a priest, a drunkard and an engineer to the guillotine. They ask the priest if he wants to face up or down when he meets his fate. The priest says he would like to face up so he will be looking towards heaven when he dies. They raise the blade of the guillotine and release it. It comes speeding down and suddenly stops just inches from his neck. The authorities take this as divine intervention and release the priest.
The drunkard comes to the guillotine next. He also decides to die face up, hoping that he will be as fortunate as the priest. They raise the blade of the guillotine and release it. It comes speeding down and suddenly stops just inches from his neck. Again, the authorities take this as a sign of divine intervention, and they release the drunkard as well.
Next is the engineer. He, too, decides to die facing up. As they slowly raise the blade of the guillotine, the engineer suddenly says, "Hey, I see what your problem is ..."
I recall my first time with a condom, I was 16 or so. I went in to buy a packet of condoms at the pharmacy. There was this beautiful woman assistant behind the counter, and she could see that I was new at it. She handed me the package and asked if I knew how to wear one. I honestly answered, 'No, this is my first time.' So she unwrapped the package, took one out and slipped it over her thumb. She cautioned me to make sure it was on tight and secure. I apparently still looked confused. So she looked all around the store to see if it was empty. It was empty. 'Just a minute,' she said, and walked to the door, and locked it. Taking my hand, she led me into the back room, unbuttoned her blouse and removed it. She unhooked her bra and laid it aside.
Re: Need a laugh?
I got cut off
'Do these excite you?' She asked.
Well, I was so dumb-struck that all I could do was nod my head. She then said it was time to slip the condom on.
As I was slipping it on, she dropped her skirt, removed her panties and laid down on a desk. 'Well, come on', she said, 'We don't have much time.'
So I climbed on her. It was so wonderful, that unfortunately, I could no longer hold back and I was done within a few minutes.
She looked at me with a bit of a frown.
'Did you put that condom on?' she asked. I said, 'I sure did,' and held up my thumb to show her.
He says, “Doc, you gotta help me, my penis is bright orange and I’m afraid of the worst.”
The doctor examines the penis and it is, indeed, bright orange but the doctor can’t make a diagnosis. He spends the next several hours running every relevant test that he can think of.
At the end of this testing ordeal, the doctor is still stymied. He confronts the young man and says, “Son, I’ve run every test I can think of and all of them indicate that you are healthy as a horse. There must be something we are missing.”
The doctor sits down and says, “Perhaps , it’s not genetic and has to do with your lifestyle. Tell me, do you engage in any dangerous activities.”
“That’s just it, Doc,” says the young man, “I don’t really do anything exciting. Mostly, I just sit at home, surf the Internet and eat Cheetohs.”
'Do these excite you?' She asked.
Well, I was so dumb-struck that all I could do was nod my head. She then said it was time to slip the condom on.
As I was slipping it on, she dropped her skirt, removed her panties and laid down on a desk. 'Well, come on', she said, 'We don't have much time.'
So I climbed on her. It was so wonderful, that unfortunately, I could no longer hold back and I was done within a few minutes.
She looked at me with a bit of a frown.
'Did you put that condom on?' she asked. I said, 'I sure did,' and held up my thumb to show her.
He says, “Doc, you gotta help me, my penis is bright orange and I’m afraid of the worst.”
The doctor examines the penis and it is, indeed, bright orange but the doctor can’t make a diagnosis. He spends the next several hours running every relevant test that he can think of.
At the end of this testing ordeal, the doctor is still stymied. He confronts the young man and says, “Son, I’ve run every test I can think of and all of them indicate that you are healthy as a horse. There must be something we are missing.”
The doctor sits down and says, “Perhaps , it’s not genetic and has to do with your lifestyle. Tell me, do you engage in any dangerous activities.”
“That’s just it, Doc,” says the young man, “I don’t really do anything exciting. Mostly, I just sit at home, surf the Internet and eat Cheetohs.”
-
mindehankins
- Posts: 3014
- Joined: Fri Mar 06, 2009 8:21 am
- Location: Western NY State
Re: Need a laugh?
Oh gosh, Shoemak, that last one reminded me of a funny incident. I was in an internal medicine private practice. Each day, the providers were issued an appointment schedule with the patient's complaint on it. One day the sheet said I had a male patient with a complaint of "my penis is green and sick and dying." I am NOT making that up. I can't remember what the issue was, but I sure remember the complaint!
Re: Need a laugh?
From facebook 
after 37 years of marriage. Jake dumped his wife for his Young secretary.
His new girlfriend demanded that they live in Jake and Edith's multi-million dollar home and since the man's lawyers were a little better he prevailed.
He gave Edith his now ex-wife just 3 days to move out. She spent the 1st day packing her belongings into boxes crates and suitcases.
On the 2nd day she had to movers come and collect her things.
On the 3rd day she sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining room table by candlelight put on some soft background music and feasted on a pound of shrimp a jar of caviar and a bottle of Chardonnay.
When she had finished she went into each and every room and stuffed half-eaten shrimp shells dipped in caviar into the hollow of all of the curtain rods. She then cleaned up the kitchen and left.
When the husband returned with his new girlfriend all was bliss for the first few days.
Then slowly the house began to smell. They tried everything cleaning mopping and airing the place out. Vents were checked for dead rodents and carpets were cleaned. Air fresheners were hung everywhere.
Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters during which they had to move out for a few days and in the end they even replaced the expensive wool carpeting. NOTHING WORKED.
People stopped coming over to visit. Repairman refused to work in the house.
The Maid quit.
Finally they could not take the stench any longer and decided to move.
A month later even through they had cut their price in half they could not find a buyer for their stinky house.
Word got out and eventually even the local realtors refused to return their calls. Finally they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place.
The ex-wife called the man and asked how things were going. He told her the saga of the rotting house. She listened politely and said that she missed her old home terribly and would be willing to reduce her divorce settlement in exchange for getting the house back.
Knowing his ex-wife had no idea how bad the smell was he agreed on a price that was about 1/10th of what the house ha been worth, but only if she were to sign the papers that very day. She agreed and within the hour his lawyers delivered the paperwork.
A week later the man and his girlfriend stood smiling as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home including the curtain rods
after 37 years of marriage. Jake dumped his wife for his Young secretary.
His new girlfriend demanded that they live in Jake and Edith's multi-million dollar home and since the man's lawyers were a little better he prevailed.
He gave Edith his now ex-wife just 3 days to move out. She spent the 1st day packing her belongings into boxes crates and suitcases.
On the 2nd day she had to movers come and collect her things.
On the 3rd day she sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining room table by candlelight put on some soft background music and feasted on a pound of shrimp a jar of caviar and a bottle of Chardonnay.
When she had finished she went into each and every room and stuffed half-eaten shrimp shells dipped in caviar into the hollow of all of the curtain rods. She then cleaned up the kitchen and left.
When the husband returned with his new girlfriend all was bliss for the first few days.
Then slowly the house began to smell. They tried everything cleaning mopping and airing the place out. Vents were checked for dead rodents and carpets were cleaned. Air fresheners were hung everywhere.
Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters during which they had to move out for a few days and in the end they even replaced the expensive wool carpeting. NOTHING WORKED.
People stopped coming over to visit. Repairman refused to work in the house.
The Maid quit.
Finally they could not take the stench any longer and decided to move.
A month later even through they had cut their price in half they could not find a buyer for their stinky house.
Word got out and eventually even the local realtors refused to return their calls. Finally they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place.
The ex-wife called the man and asked how things were going. He told her the saga of the rotting house. She listened politely and said that she missed her old home terribly and would be willing to reduce her divorce settlement in exchange for getting the house back.
Knowing his ex-wife had no idea how bad the smell was he agreed on a price that was about 1/10th of what the house ha been worth, but only if she were to sign the papers that very day. She agreed and within the hour his lawyers delivered the paperwork.
A week later the man and his girlfriend stood smiling as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home including the curtain rods
Re: Need a laugh?
It's So Cold...
It's so cold that Shania Twain covered her midriff...
It's colder than a witch's tit!
colder than a whore's heart
It's cold enough to freeze the nuts off the Guy Lombardo bridge!
I'm shivering like a mobster in a tax office.
It's so cold we had to chisel the dog off a lamp-post
Refrigerators are redundant
Pet stores sell hamsters, gerbils and penguins
It's so cold that the local flasher was caught *describing* himself
to women.
you light a candle and the flame freezes
your shadow freezes to the sidewalk
you have to break the smoke off your chimney
you have to open the fridge to heat the house
your false teeth chatter, and they are still in the glass
police tell a robber to freeze, and he does
that Bill Clinton is sleeping with his own wife in order to keep warm.
It was so cold that the Statue of Liberty put the torch INSIDE her dress.
It was so cold the lawyers had their hands in their own pockets....
our words froze in midair and we had to put them in a frying pan
to thaw them so we hear what we were talking about.
people look forward to getting a fever
mailmen watch out for both dogs and polar bears
igloos come with a lifetime guarantee
You bake a cake, set it out to cool, 10 minute later it's frosted
The fire department advises you to set your house on fire
the prisoners were BEGGING for the electric chair!
people were flicking their Bics in their POCKETS!
this morning that I saw one dog jump starting another dog.
my balls have became ovaries.
you'd have to jump start a reindeer.
I saw a squirrel burying Sterno!
when you opened the door to the house the small light in front went on!
when I put on my coat to take out the garbage it didn't want to go!
My wife made a pot of coffee. She set it outside to cool and it
froze so fast.....that the ice was warm.
if my thermometer had been an inch longer, I would have frozen to death.
The fire hydrant is begging a dog to pee on it.
the snowman begs you to take him inside at night
that I saw a hen walking with a capon.
The hookers downtown are charging 20 bucks just to blow on your hands
The weather is great. My car won't start running and my nose won't stop.
We get an awful lot of cold waves from Canada.
Can't we weatherstrip the border?
I have bad news and good news. The bad news is that it's going to drop to
zero tonight. The good news is that my air conditioner is working again!
Signs It is Too Cold to be March
Richard Simmons wearing shorts that come nearly to the half-thigh region.
Lawyers have their hands in their own pockets.
Cat's face stuck in the birdbath.
Inmates are begging for the electric chair.
Normally, people get OUT of their houses when they catch fire.
Must keep driver's license on hand to look up sex.
The rock rattling around in your shoe is your toe.
The steam off of my head created a war between two Indian villages.
Only people like "Ed" and "Bob" have enough time to write their names
in the snow.
There were these three Eskimos in Alaska, and one time while they were
at their local bar, they got to talking about how cold it was outside, and
how cold their igloos were. They could agree on everything but whose igloo
was the coldest, so they decided to determine who, indeed, had the coldest
igloo.
They went to the first Eskimo's igloo, where he said "Watch this!" and
poured a cup of water into the air. Well, the water froze in mid-air and
fell onto the floor.
"Not bad" said the other Eskimos, but each maintained their igloo was
colder still.
So they went to the second Eskimo's igloo, and he said "Watch this!"
and took a big breath and exhaled, whereupon his breath froze into a
big lump and fell to the floor.
"Wow, that's colder than mine! "said the first Eskimo. But the third
Eskimo exclaimed his was colder still. So they ended up at the third
Eskimo's igloo. He said "Watch this!" and went into the bedroom, threw
back the thick furs, and retrieved one of several small balls of ice
there. He took it, put it in a spoon, and held a match under it. When
it heated up enough, it went "FFFAAAARRRRTTT".
He won.
HOW COLD IS IT?
Degrees Celsius
+25 Aussies put on sweaters (if they can find one in their wardrobe)
(technically, they call it a jumper, which explains why they can't
find a "sweater")
+20 Miami residents turn on the heat
+10 You can see your breath
Vancouverites shiver uncontrollably
+5 Italian cars don't start
0 Water freezes
-5 Maritimers put on T-shirts
Politicians begin to worry about the homeless
British cars don't start
-10 Toronto water freezes
Vancouverites weep pitiably
Manitobans eat ice cream on the patio
Maritimers go swimming
-15 You can hear your breath
Politicians begin to talk about the homeless
Montreal water freezes
-20 French cars don't start
You plan a vacation in Mexico
Cat insists on sleeping in your bed with you
-25 Too cold to ski
Manitobans do up the top button
You need jumper cables to get the car going
-30 American cars don't start
Yukoners put on T-shirts
Too cold to skate
-35 German cars don't start
Eyes freeze shut when you blink
You can cut your breath and use it to build an igloo
Newfoundlanders stick tongue on metal objects
Miami residents cease to exist
-40 Cat insists on sleeping in your pajamas with you
Politicians actually do something about the homeless
Ottawans shovel snow off roof
Japanese cars don't start
-45 Too cold to think
You need jumper cables to get the driver going
-50 You plan a two week hot bath (if you could only thaw the water)
The St Lawrence freezes over
Swedish cars don't start
-55 Vancouverites disappear
Maritimers put on sweaters
Other Canadians put on overcoats
Your car helps you plan your trip South, but won't start
-60 Parliamentary hot air freezes
Yukoners close the bathroom window
-70 Hell freezes over
Polar bears move south
"Cold" is a relative term. Use the handy list below to overcome
the confusion. Degrees (Fahrenheit)
65 - Hawaiians declare a two-blanket night
60 - Californians put on sweaters (if they can find one)
50 - Miami residents turn on the heat
45 - Vermont residents go to outdoor concerts
40 - You can see your breath
- Californians shiver uncontrollably
- Minnesotans go swimming
35 - Italian cars don't start
32 - Water freezes
30 - You plan your vacation to Australia
25 - Ohio water freezes
- Californians weep pitiably
- Minnesotans eat ice cream
- Canadians go swimming
20 - Politicians begin to talk about the homeless
- New York City water freezes
- Miami residents plan vacation further South
15 - French cars don't start
- Cat insists on sleeping in your bed with you
10 - You need jumper cables to get the car going
5 - American cars don't start
0 - Alaskans put on T-shirts
-10 - German cars don't start
- Eyes freeze shut when you blink
-15 - You can cut your breath and use it to build an igloo
- Arkansans stick tongue on metal objects
- Miami residents cease to exist
-20 - Cat insists on sleeping in pajamas with you
- Politicians actually do something about the homeless
- Minnesotans shovel snow off roof
- Japanese cars don't start
-25 - Too cold to think
- You need jumper cables to get the driver going
-30 - You plan a two week hot bath
- Swedish cars don't start
-40 - Californians disappear
- Minnesotans button top button
- Canadians put on sweaters
- Your car helps you plan your trip South
-50 - Congressional hot air freezes
- Alaskans close the bathroom window
-80 - Hell freezes over
- Polar bears move South
- Viking Fans order hot cocoa at the game
-90 - Lawyers put their hands in their own pockets
It's so cold that Shania Twain covered her midriff...
It's colder than a witch's tit!
colder than a whore's heart
It's cold enough to freeze the nuts off the Guy Lombardo bridge!
I'm shivering like a mobster in a tax office.
It's so cold we had to chisel the dog off a lamp-post
Refrigerators are redundant
Pet stores sell hamsters, gerbils and penguins
It's so cold that the local flasher was caught *describing* himself
to women.
you light a candle and the flame freezes
your shadow freezes to the sidewalk
you have to break the smoke off your chimney
you have to open the fridge to heat the house
your false teeth chatter, and they are still in the glass
police tell a robber to freeze, and he does
that Bill Clinton is sleeping with his own wife in order to keep warm.
It was so cold that the Statue of Liberty put the torch INSIDE her dress.
It was so cold the lawyers had their hands in their own pockets....
our words froze in midair and we had to put them in a frying pan
to thaw them so we hear what we were talking about.
people look forward to getting a fever
mailmen watch out for both dogs and polar bears
igloos come with a lifetime guarantee
You bake a cake, set it out to cool, 10 minute later it's frosted
The fire department advises you to set your house on fire
the prisoners were BEGGING for the electric chair!
people were flicking their Bics in their POCKETS!
this morning that I saw one dog jump starting another dog.
my balls have became ovaries.
you'd have to jump start a reindeer.
I saw a squirrel burying Sterno!
when you opened the door to the house the small light in front went on!
when I put on my coat to take out the garbage it didn't want to go!
My wife made a pot of coffee. She set it outside to cool and it
froze so fast.....that the ice was warm.
if my thermometer had been an inch longer, I would have frozen to death.
The fire hydrant is begging a dog to pee on it.
the snowman begs you to take him inside at night
that I saw a hen walking with a capon.
The hookers downtown are charging 20 bucks just to blow on your hands
The weather is great. My car won't start running and my nose won't stop.
We get an awful lot of cold waves from Canada.
Can't we weatherstrip the border?
I have bad news and good news. The bad news is that it's going to drop to
zero tonight. The good news is that my air conditioner is working again!
Signs It is Too Cold to be March
Richard Simmons wearing shorts that come nearly to the half-thigh region.
Lawyers have their hands in their own pockets.
Cat's face stuck in the birdbath.
Inmates are begging for the electric chair.
Normally, people get OUT of their houses when they catch fire.
Must keep driver's license on hand to look up sex.
The rock rattling around in your shoe is your toe.
The steam off of my head created a war between two Indian villages.
Only people like "Ed" and "Bob" have enough time to write their names
in the snow.
There were these three Eskimos in Alaska, and one time while they were
at their local bar, they got to talking about how cold it was outside, and
how cold their igloos were. They could agree on everything but whose igloo
was the coldest, so they decided to determine who, indeed, had the coldest
igloo.
They went to the first Eskimo's igloo, where he said "Watch this!" and
poured a cup of water into the air. Well, the water froze in mid-air and
fell onto the floor.
"Not bad" said the other Eskimos, but each maintained their igloo was
colder still.
So they went to the second Eskimo's igloo, and he said "Watch this!"
and took a big breath and exhaled, whereupon his breath froze into a
big lump and fell to the floor.
"Wow, that's colder than mine! "said the first Eskimo. But the third
Eskimo exclaimed his was colder still. So they ended up at the third
Eskimo's igloo. He said "Watch this!" and went into the bedroom, threw
back the thick furs, and retrieved one of several small balls of ice
there. He took it, put it in a spoon, and held a match under it. When
it heated up enough, it went "FFFAAAARRRRTTT".
He won.
HOW COLD IS IT?
Degrees Celsius
+25 Aussies put on sweaters (if they can find one in their wardrobe)
(technically, they call it a jumper, which explains why they can't
find a "sweater")
+20 Miami residents turn on the heat
+10 You can see your breath
Vancouverites shiver uncontrollably
+5 Italian cars don't start
0 Water freezes
-5 Maritimers put on T-shirts
Politicians begin to worry about the homeless
British cars don't start
-10 Toronto water freezes
Vancouverites weep pitiably
Manitobans eat ice cream on the patio
Maritimers go swimming
-15 You can hear your breath
Politicians begin to talk about the homeless
Montreal water freezes
-20 French cars don't start
You plan a vacation in Mexico
Cat insists on sleeping in your bed with you
-25 Too cold to ski
Manitobans do up the top button
You need jumper cables to get the car going
-30 American cars don't start
Yukoners put on T-shirts
Too cold to skate
-35 German cars don't start
Eyes freeze shut when you blink
You can cut your breath and use it to build an igloo
Newfoundlanders stick tongue on metal objects
Miami residents cease to exist
-40 Cat insists on sleeping in your pajamas with you
Politicians actually do something about the homeless
Ottawans shovel snow off roof
Japanese cars don't start
-45 Too cold to think
You need jumper cables to get the driver going
-50 You plan a two week hot bath (if you could only thaw the water)
The St Lawrence freezes over
Swedish cars don't start
-55 Vancouverites disappear
Maritimers put on sweaters
Other Canadians put on overcoats
Your car helps you plan your trip South, but won't start
-60 Parliamentary hot air freezes
Yukoners close the bathroom window
-70 Hell freezes over
Polar bears move south
"Cold" is a relative term. Use the handy list below to overcome
the confusion. Degrees (Fahrenheit)
65 - Hawaiians declare a two-blanket night
60 - Californians put on sweaters (if they can find one)
50 - Miami residents turn on the heat
45 - Vermont residents go to outdoor concerts
40 - You can see your breath
- Californians shiver uncontrollably
- Minnesotans go swimming
35 - Italian cars don't start
32 - Water freezes
30 - You plan your vacation to Australia
25 - Ohio water freezes
- Californians weep pitiably
- Minnesotans eat ice cream
- Canadians go swimming
20 - Politicians begin to talk about the homeless
- New York City water freezes
- Miami residents plan vacation further South
15 - French cars don't start
- Cat insists on sleeping in your bed with you
10 - You need jumper cables to get the car going
5 - American cars don't start
0 - Alaskans put on T-shirts
-10 - German cars don't start
- Eyes freeze shut when you blink
-15 - You can cut your breath and use it to build an igloo
- Arkansans stick tongue on metal objects
- Miami residents cease to exist
-20 - Cat insists on sleeping in pajamas with you
- Politicians actually do something about the homeless
- Minnesotans shovel snow off roof
- Japanese cars don't start
-25 - Too cold to think
- You need jumper cables to get the driver going
-30 - You plan a two week hot bath
- Swedish cars don't start
-40 - Californians disappear
- Minnesotans button top button
- Canadians put on sweaters
- Your car helps you plan your trip South
-50 - Congressional hot air freezes
- Alaskans close the bathroom window
-80 - Hell freezes over
- Polar bears move South
- Viking Fans order hot cocoa at the game
-90 - Lawyers put their hands in their own pockets
Re: Need a laugh?
An Amish woman and her daughter were riding in an old buggy one cold blustery day.
The daughter said to her mother, 'My hands are freezing cold.'
The mother replied, 'Put them between your legs and your body heat will warm them up.'
The daughter did, and her hands warmed up.
The next day the daughter was riding with her boyfriend who said,
'My hands are freezing cold.'
The girl replied, 'Put them between my legs and the warmth of my body will warm them up.
He did and warmed his hands.
The following day the boyfriend was again in the buggy with the daughter.
He said, 'My nose is cold.'
The girl replied, 'Put it between my legs, the warmth of my body will warm it up.'
He did and warmed his nose.
The day after the boyfriend was again driving with the daughter, and he said, 'My penls is frozen solid.'
The next day, the daughter was driving in the buggy with her mother again and she asked 'Have you ever heard of a penls, Mother?'
Concerned the mother said, 'Why yes..... why do you ask?'
The daughter replies,
'They make one heck of a mess when they defrost, don't they!!!
The daughter said to her mother, 'My hands are freezing cold.'
The mother replied, 'Put them between your legs and your body heat will warm them up.'
The daughter did, and her hands warmed up.
The next day the daughter was riding with her boyfriend who said,
'My hands are freezing cold.'
The girl replied, 'Put them between my legs and the warmth of my body will warm them up.
He did and warmed his hands.
The following day the boyfriend was again in the buggy with the daughter.
He said, 'My nose is cold.'
The girl replied, 'Put it between my legs, the warmth of my body will warm it up.'
He did and warmed his nose.
The day after the boyfriend was again driving with the daughter, and he said, 'My penls is frozen solid.'
The next day, the daughter was driving in the buggy with her mother again and she asked 'Have you ever heard of a penls, Mother?'
Concerned the mother said, 'Why yes..... why do you ask?'
The daughter replies,
'They make one heck of a mess when they defrost, don't they!!!
Re: Need a laugh?
There are these 4 guys driving in a car together, 1 from Maine, 1 from Vermont, 1 from Massachusetts, and 1 from New Hampshire.
Down the road a bit, the man from Maine starts throwing bags of potatoes out of the car window, the man from NH asks what are you doing that for? The man from Maine says, we have so many potatoes just lying around our state and I'm just sick and tired of seeing these things.
Down the road a bit more, the man from Vermont starts throwing jugs out maple syrup out of the car window, the man from NH asks what are you doing that for? The man from Vermont says, we have so many of these jugs just lying around our state and I'm just sick and tired of seeing these things.
And moments later....
You guessed it...
The man from New Hampshire throws the man from Massachusetts out of the window...
NEWS FLASH! - Bethel, Maine----- Maine's worst air disaster occurred when a small two-seater Cessna 150 plane, piloted by two local Maine college students, crashed into a cemetery earlier today in Bethel. Bethel search and rescue workers have recovered 300 bodies so far and expect the number to climb as digging continues into the evening.
The pilot and copilot survived and are helping in the recovery efforts.
You Know You’re From Maine When…
You’ve had arguments over the comparative quality of Fried Dough.
You call four inches of snow “a dusting.”
You don’t understand why there aren’t fried clam shacks elsewhere in the country.
You know what an Irving is and the location of 15 of them.
You knew all the flavors at Perry’s Nut House.
Your car is covered in yellow-green dust in May.
You can drive the Augusta traffic circle without slowing down.
You’ve hung out at a gravel pit.
You think a mosquito could be a species of bird.
You once skipped school and went to Bar Harbor, Old Orchard Beach or Reid State Park.
Even your school cafeteria made good chowder.
You’ve almost fallen asleep driving between Houlton and Presque Isle.
You know how to pronounce Calais.
You’ve gone to a Grange bean supper.
In high school, you (or a friend) packed Deering Ice Cream cones.
At least once in your life, a seagull pooped on your head.
At least once in your life you’ve said, “It smells like the mill in here.”
There’s a fruit and vegetable stand within 10 minutes of your house.
You crave Italian sandwiches at least weekly.
Your house converts to a B&B every July and August for people from away that you happen to know.
All year long you’re tracking sand in the house-from the beach in the summer and the roads and sidewalks in the winter.
You have to have the sand cleaned out of your brake system every spring.
You do the majority of your shopping out of Uncle Henry’s.
You’ve ditched the car on the side of the road somewhere because you thought you saw some good fiddleheads!
You know a lobster pot is a trap, not a kettle.
You know not to plant tender crops until the last full moon in May.
You go to the dump and bring back more than you brought.
You’ve watched “Murder she Wrote” and snickered at the stupid fake accents.
You know how to find the rope swing at the quarry.
You take the New Hampshire toll personally.
You always wave when you see a Maine license plate in another state.
When you’re supposed to dress up, you wear flannel with a tie.
There’s too much “stuff” in your 2 “cah” garage to get either of your cars into it.
You know what a frappe is.
L.L. Bean’s not just a store, it’s a way of life.
“The City” means exclusively Portland.
You’ve made a meal out of a Jordan’s red dye hot-dog, a bag of Humpty Dumpty potato chips and a can of soda.
“Salt damage” is a viable insurance claim.
All of the traffic lights blink yellow at 10 o’clock at night.
It’s not a storm – it’s a Nor’eastah.
“Open 24/7″ might as well be Greek.
More stores have “Bienvenue” flags than “Welcome” flags.
You eat ice cream with flavors like ‘Moose Tracks” and “Maine Black Bear”.
You know that a chocolate doughnut is not a white doughnut with chocolate frosting.
You wouldn’t eat beans in tomato sauce or Manhattan clam chowder if you were starving!
As a child, you played outside in a snow storm without hat, mittens, scarf and with your jacket open because it was just a little cool.
The area around your back door is referred to as “the dooryard”.
You eat potato chips with flavors such as “clam dip”, “ketchup” and “dill pickle”.
You call the basement “downcellah.”
There is only one shopping plaza in town.
You use “wicked” as a multipurpose part of speech.
Your pickup has more mud on it then the ground around it for a 15 foot radius.
More than 1/2 the meat in your freezer is moose.
You enjoy a hot chocolate more than a margarita.
If your “luxury vehicle” is a twelve-year-old rustbucket on wheels.
If your dog eats better than you do, and more often too.
If you never say what you paid for an item but how much you “give” for it.
You know that “stove up” has nothing to do with cooking.
Down the road a bit, the man from Maine starts throwing bags of potatoes out of the car window, the man from NH asks what are you doing that for? The man from Maine says, we have so many potatoes just lying around our state and I'm just sick and tired of seeing these things.
Down the road a bit more, the man from Vermont starts throwing jugs out maple syrup out of the car window, the man from NH asks what are you doing that for? The man from Vermont says, we have so many of these jugs just lying around our state and I'm just sick and tired of seeing these things.
And moments later....
You guessed it...
The man from New Hampshire throws the man from Massachusetts out of the window...
NEWS FLASH! - Bethel, Maine----- Maine's worst air disaster occurred when a small two-seater Cessna 150 plane, piloted by two local Maine college students, crashed into a cemetery earlier today in Bethel. Bethel search and rescue workers have recovered 300 bodies so far and expect the number to climb as digging continues into the evening.
The pilot and copilot survived and are helping in the recovery efforts.
You Know You’re From Maine When…
You’ve had arguments over the comparative quality of Fried Dough.
You call four inches of snow “a dusting.”
You don’t understand why there aren’t fried clam shacks elsewhere in the country.
You know what an Irving is and the location of 15 of them.
You knew all the flavors at Perry’s Nut House.
Your car is covered in yellow-green dust in May.
You can drive the Augusta traffic circle without slowing down.
You’ve hung out at a gravel pit.
You think a mosquito could be a species of bird.
You once skipped school and went to Bar Harbor, Old Orchard Beach or Reid State Park.
Even your school cafeteria made good chowder.
You’ve almost fallen asleep driving between Houlton and Presque Isle.
You know how to pronounce Calais.
You’ve gone to a Grange bean supper.
In high school, you (or a friend) packed Deering Ice Cream cones.
At least once in your life, a seagull pooped on your head.
At least once in your life you’ve said, “It smells like the mill in here.”
There’s a fruit and vegetable stand within 10 minutes of your house.
You crave Italian sandwiches at least weekly.
Your house converts to a B&B every July and August for people from away that you happen to know.
All year long you’re tracking sand in the house-from the beach in the summer and the roads and sidewalks in the winter.
You have to have the sand cleaned out of your brake system every spring.
You do the majority of your shopping out of Uncle Henry’s.
You’ve ditched the car on the side of the road somewhere because you thought you saw some good fiddleheads!
You know a lobster pot is a trap, not a kettle.
You know not to plant tender crops until the last full moon in May.
You go to the dump and bring back more than you brought.
You’ve watched “Murder she Wrote” and snickered at the stupid fake accents.
You know how to find the rope swing at the quarry.
You take the New Hampshire toll personally.
You always wave when you see a Maine license plate in another state.
When you’re supposed to dress up, you wear flannel with a tie.
There’s too much “stuff” in your 2 “cah” garage to get either of your cars into it.
You know what a frappe is.
L.L. Bean’s not just a store, it’s a way of life.
“The City” means exclusively Portland.
You’ve made a meal out of a Jordan’s red dye hot-dog, a bag of Humpty Dumpty potato chips and a can of soda.
“Salt damage” is a viable insurance claim.
All of the traffic lights blink yellow at 10 o’clock at night.
It’s not a storm – it’s a Nor’eastah.
“Open 24/7″ might as well be Greek.
More stores have “Bienvenue” flags than “Welcome” flags.
You eat ice cream with flavors like ‘Moose Tracks” and “Maine Black Bear”.
You know that a chocolate doughnut is not a white doughnut with chocolate frosting.
You wouldn’t eat beans in tomato sauce or Manhattan clam chowder if you were starving!
As a child, you played outside in a snow storm without hat, mittens, scarf and with your jacket open because it was just a little cool.
The area around your back door is referred to as “the dooryard”.
You eat potato chips with flavors such as “clam dip”, “ketchup” and “dill pickle”.
You call the basement “downcellah.”
There is only one shopping plaza in town.
You use “wicked” as a multipurpose part of speech.
Your pickup has more mud on it then the ground around it for a 15 foot radius.
More than 1/2 the meat in your freezer is moose.
You enjoy a hot chocolate more than a margarita.
If your “luxury vehicle” is a twelve-year-old rustbucket on wheels.
If your dog eats better than you do, and more often too.
If you never say what you paid for an item but how much you “give” for it.
You know that “stove up” has nothing to do with cooking.
Re: Need a laugh?
stranded
On a chain of beautiful deserted islands in the middle of South Pacific, the following people are stranded:
Two Italian men and one Italian woman.
Two French men and one French woman.
Two German men and one German woman.
Two Greek men and one Greek woman.
Two British men and one British woman.
Two Bulgarian men and one Bulgarian woman.
Two Japanese men and one Japanese woman.
Two Chinese men and one Chinese woman.
Two Irish men and one Irish woman.
Two American men and one American woman.
One month later, on these absolutely stunning deserted islands in the middle of nowhere, the following things have
occurred:
One Italian man killed the other Italian man for the Italian woman.
The two French men and the French woman are living happily together in a ménage à trois.
The two German men have a strict weekly schedule of alternating visits with the German woman.
The two Greek men are sleeping together and the Greek woman is cooking and cleaning for them.
The two British men are waiting for someone to introduce them to the British woman.
The two Bulgarian men took one look at the Bulgarian woman and started swimming to another island.
The two Japanese have faxed Tokyo and are awaiting instructions.
The two Chinese men have set up a pharmacy, liquor store, restaurant, and laundry, and have gotten the woman pregnant in order to supply more employees for their stores.
The two Irish men divided the island into north and south and set up a distillery. They do not remember if sex is in the picture because it gets somewhat foggy after a few pints of coconut whisky. However, they're satisfied because the British aren't having any fun.
The two American men are contemplating suicide, because the American woman will not shut up and complains relentlessly about her body, the true nature of feminism, what the sun is doing to her skin, how she can do anything they can do, the necessity of fulfillment, the equal division of household chores, how sand and palm trees make her look fat, how her last boyfriend respected her opinion and treated her nicer than they do, and how her relationship with her mother is the root cause of all her problems, and why didn't they bring a damn cell phone so they could call 911 and get them all rescued off this forsaken deserted island in the middle of freaking nowhere so she can get her nails done and go shopping.
On a chain of beautiful deserted islands in the middle of South Pacific, the following people are stranded:
Two Italian men and one Italian woman.
Two French men and one French woman.
Two German men and one German woman.
Two Greek men and one Greek woman.
Two British men and one British woman.
Two Bulgarian men and one Bulgarian woman.
Two Japanese men and one Japanese woman.
Two Chinese men and one Chinese woman.
Two Irish men and one Irish woman.
Two American men and one American woman.
One month later, on these absolutely stunning deserted islands in the middle of nowhere, the following things have
occurred:
One Italian man killed the other Italian man for the Italian woman.
The two French men and the French woman are living happily together in a ménage à trois.
The two German men have a strict weekly schedule of alternating visits with the German woman.
The two Greek men are sleeping together and the Greek woman is cooking and cleaning for them.
The two British men are waiting for someone to introduce them to the British woman.
The two Bulgarian men took one look at the Bulgarian woman and started swimming to another island.
The two Japanese have faxed Tokyo and are awaiting instructions.
The two Chinese men have set up a pharmacy, liquor store, restaurant, and laundry, and have gotten the woman pregnant in order to supply more employees for their stores.
The two Irish men divided the island into north and south and set up a distillery. They do not remember if sex is in the picture because it gets somewhat foggy after a few pints of coconut whisky. However, they're satisfied because the British aren't having any fun.
The two American men are contemplating suicide, because the American woman will not shut up and complains relentlessly about her body, the true nature of feminism, what the sun is doing to her skin, how she can do anything they can do, the necessity of fulfillment, the equal division of household chores, how sand and palm trees make her look fat, how her last boyfriend respected her opinion and treated her nicer than they do, and how her relationship with her mother is the root cause of all her problems, and why didn't they bring a damn cell phone so they could call 911 and get them all rescued off this forsaken deserted island in the middle of freaking nowhere so she can get her nails done and go shopping.
Re: Need a laugh?
HOUSTON—According to reports from across the nation, all 315 million residents of the United States exhaled in relief and expressed a contented sense of reassurance Friday on news that the ExxonMobil Corporation had recorded nearly $45 billion in profits last year. “Oh, thank God!” said visibly relieved part-time drug store cashier Helen Gregory of Youngstown, OH, who called the oil and gas multinational’s total revenues of $483 billion “deeply comforting” and “a true blessing,” echoing the sentiments of every other American from coast to coast. “I can’t tell you how good it is to know that the world’s largest corporation is still unimaginably profitable. Now I can finally get some sleep and stop worrying.”