usvi-on-line
Need a laugh?
Re: Need a laugh?
1. You work for an acronym, on an acronym, and your job title is an acronym.
2. You can name the project leader of more than 10 projects including your own, but still can't explain in the simplest terms what they do.
3. The process becomes more important than the product.
4. You've sat at the same desk for 3 years, done the same thing for 3 years, but have had 3 different business cards.
5. You don't see anything wrong with attending a meeting on a subject you know nothing about.
6. You feel you contributed to the meeting just by being there.
7. You realize that a paperless office is impossible. Actually, you believe it is possible, just not in your office.
8. You keep documents/manuals on projects that have been long since canceled.
9. You stop raising issues/problems because you know you will be the one answering them.
10. You fly across the country to attend a conference with 100+ people to discuss the fact that the project does not have enough money.
11. You've sat at the same desk for 4 years and worked for three different agencies.
12. Your name plate is attached with Velcro.
13. Your resume is on a diskette in your pocket.
14. The office symbol on your badge is applied with tape.
15. When someone asks about what you do for a living, you lie.
16. You get really excited about a 2% pay raise.
17. Your biggest loss from a system crash is that you loose your best jokes.
18. Your supervisor doesn't have the ability to do your job.
19. You sit in a cubicle smaller than your bedroom closet.
20. You think lunch is just a meeting to which you drive.
21. It's dark when you drive to and from work.
22. Fun is when issues are assigned to someone else.
23. Communication is something your group is having problems with.
24. You see a good looking person and know it is a visitor.
25. Free food left over from meetings is your main staple.
26. Weekends are those days your spouse makes you stay home.
27. Being sick is defined as can't walk or you're in the hospital.
28. Art involves a white board.
29. You're already late on the assignment you just got.
30. You work 200 hours for the $100 performance check and jubilantly say, "Oh wow, thanks!"
31. Dilbert cartoons hang outside every cube.
32. Your boss' favorite lines are "when you get a few minutes," "in your spare time," "when you're freed up," and "I have an opportunity for you."
33. Vacation is something you roll over to next year.
34. Your relatives and family describe your job as "works with computers."
35. Change is the norm.
36. Nepotism is encouraged.
37. The only reason you recognize your kids is because their pictures hang in your cube.
38. You only have makeup for fluorescent lighting.
39. You can name more people that used to work with you than people who do.
2. You can name the project leader of more than 10 projects including your own, but still can't explain in the simplest terms what they do.
3. The process becomes more important than the product.
4. You've sat at the same desk for 3 years, done the same thing for 3 years, but have had 3 different business cards.
5. You don't see anything wrong with attending a meeting on a subject you know nothing about.
6. You feel you contributed to the meeting just by being there.
7. You realize that a paperless office is impossible. Actually, you believe it is possible, just not in your office.
8. You keep documents/manuals on projects that have been long since canceled.
9. You stop raising issues/problems because you know you will be the one answering them.
10. You fly across the country to attend a conference with 100+ people to discuss the fact that the project does not have enough money.
11. You've sat at the same desk for 4 years and worked for three different agencies.
12. Your name plate is attached with Velcro.
13. Your resume is on a diskette in your pocket.
14. The office symbol on your badge is applied with tape.
15. When someone asks about what you do for a living, you lie.
16. You get really excited about a 2% pay raise.
17. Your biggest loss from a system crash is that you loose your best jokes.
18. Your supervisor doesn't have the ability to do your job.
19. You sit in a cubicle smaller than your bedroom closet.
20. You think lunch is just a meeting to which you drive.
21. It's dark when you drive to and from work.
22. Fun is when issues are assigned to someone else.
23. Communication is something your group is having problems with.
24. You see a good looking person and know it is a visitor.
25. Free food left over from meetings is your main staple.
26. Weekends are those days your spouse makes you stay home.
27. Being sick is defined as can't walk or you're in the hospital.
28. Art involves a white board.
29. You're already late on the assignment you just got.
30. You work 200 hours for the $100 performance check and jubilantly say, "Oh wow, thanks!"
31. Dilbert cartoons hang outside every cube.
32. Your boss' favorite lines are "when you get a few minutes," "in your spare time," "when you're freed up," and "I have an opportunity for you."
33. Vacation is something you roll over to next year.
34. Your relatives and family describe your job as "works with computers."
35. Change is the norm.
36. Nepotism is encouraged.
37. The only reason you recognize your kids is because their pictures hang in your cube.
38. You only have makeup for fluorescent lighting.
39. You can name more people that used to work with you than people who do.
Re: Need a laugh?
Great signs!
Sign over a Gynecologist's Office:
"Dr. Jones, at your cervix."
**************************
In a Podiatrist's office:
"Time wounds all heels."
**************************
On a Septic Tank Truck:
Yesterday's Meals on Wheels
**************************
At a Proctologist's door:
"To expedite your visit, please back in."
**************************
At an Optometrist's Office:
"If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."
**************************
On a Plumber's truck:
"We repair what your husband fixed."
**************************
On another Plumber's truck:
"Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber."
**************************
On a Church's Billboard:
"Seven days without God makes one weak."
**************************
At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee:
"Invite us to your next blowout."
**************************
At a Towing company:
"We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."
**************************
On an Electrician's truck:
"Let us remove your shorts."
**************************
In a Non-Smoking Area:
"If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."
**************************
On a Maternity Room door:
"Push. Push. Push."
**************************
On a Taxidermist's window:
"We really know our stuff."
**************************
On a Fence:
"Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive!"
**************************
At a Car Dealership:
"The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment."
**************************
Outside a Muffler Shop:
"No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."
**************************
In a Veterinarian's waiting room:
"Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"
**************************
At the Electric Company
"We would be delighted if you send in your payment. However, if you don't, you will be."
**************************
In a Restaurant window:
"Don't stand there and be hungry; come on in and get fed up."
**************************
In the front yard of a Funeral Home:
"Drive carefully. We'll wait."
**************************
At a Propane Filling Station:
"Thank heaven for little grills."
**************************
Chicago Radiator Shop:
"Best place in town to take a leak."
**************************
Sign on the back of another Septic Tank Truck:
"Caution - This Truck is full of Political Promises."
Sign over a Gynecologist's Office:
"Dr. Jones, at your cervix."
**************************
In a Podiatrist's office:
"Time wounds all heels."
**************************
On a Septic Tank Truck:
Yesterday's Meals on Wheels
**************************
At a Proctologist's door:
"To expedite your visit, please back in."
**************************
At an Optometrist's Office:
"If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."
**************************
On a Plumber's truck:
"We repair what your husband fixed."
**************************
On another Plumber's truck:
"Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber."
**************************
On a Church's Billboard:
"Seven days without God makes one weak."
**************************
At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee:
"Invite us to your next blowout."
**************************
At a Towing company:
"We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."
**************************
On an Electrician's truck:
"Let us remove your shorts."
**************************
In a Non-Smoking Area:
"If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."
**************************
On a Maternity Room door:
"Push. Push. Push."
**************************
On a Taxidermist's window:
"We really know our stuff."
**************************
On a Fence:
"Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive!"
**************************
At a Car Dealership:
"The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment."
**************************
Outside a Muffler Shop:
"No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."
**************************
In a Veterinarian's waiting room:
"Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"
**************************
At the Electric Company
"We would be delighted if you send in your payment. However, if you don't, you will be."
**************************
In a Restaurant window:
"Don't stand there and be hungry; come on in and get fed up."
**************************
In the front yard of a Funeral Home:
"Drive carefully. We'll wait."
**************************
At a Propane Filling Station:
"Thank heaven for little grills."
**************************
Chicago Radiator Shop:
"Best place in town to take a leak."
**************************
Sign on the back of another Septic Tank Truck:
"Caution - This Truck is full of Political Promises."
Re: Need a laugh?
NORWEGIAN VIRGIN WEDDING
Olof Swenson, out in his pasture in northern Minnesota , took a
lightning-quick kick from a cow...right in his crotch. Writhing in agony,
he fell to the ground.
As soon as he could manage, he took himself to the doctor.
He said: "How bad is it Doc? I'm going on my honeymoon next veek
and my fiance, Lena , is still a Virgin -- in every vay."
The doctor told him, "Olof, I'll have to put your willy in a splint to let
it heal, and keep it straight. It should be okay next week, but leave it
on dere as long as you can."
He took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little 4 sided splint,
and taped it all together...quite an impressive work of art.
Olof mentioned none of this to Lena , married her, and they went on their
honeymoon to Duluth .
That night in the Motel 6, Lena ripped open her blouse to reveal her
beautiful, untouched breasts. She said: "Olof...you're the first vun!
No vun has EVER seen deez."
Olof immediately dropped his pants and replied: "Look at dis Lena ...
still in DA CRATE!"
Olof Swenson, out in his pasture in northern Minnesota , took a
lightning-quick kick from a cow...right in his crotch. Writhing in agony,
he fell to the ground.
As soon as he could manage, he took himself to the doctor.
He said: "How bad is it Doc? I'm going on my honeymoon next veek
and my fiance, Lena , is still a Virgin -- in every vay."
The doctor told him, "Olof, I'll have to put your willy in a splint to let
it heal, and keep it straight. It should be okay next week, but leave it
on dere as long as you can."
He took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little 4 sided splint,
and taped it all together...quite an impressive work of art.
Olof mentioned none of this to Lena , married her, and they went on their
honeymoon to Duluth .
That night in the Motel 6, Lena ripped open her blouse to reveal her
beautiful, untouched breasts. She said: "Olof...you're the first vun!
No vun has EVER seen deez."
Olof immediately dropped his pants and replied: "Look at dis Lena ...
still in DA CRATE!"
Re: Need a laugh?
A single glass at night could mean a peaceful, uninterrupted nights sleep.
NEW Wine for Seniors
I kid you not...California vintners in the Napa Valley area,
which primarily produce Pinot Blanc, Pinot Noir, and Pinot
Grigio wines,have developed a new hybrid grape
that acts as an anti-diuretic.
It is expected to reduce the number of trips older people have to make to the
bathroom during the night. The new wine will be marketed as
PINO MORE
I HEARD IT THROUGH THE GRAPEVINE!!
I just could not help it!
NEW Wine for Seniors
I kid you not...California vintners in the Napa Valley area,
which primarily produce Pinot Blanc, Pinot Noir, and Pinot
Grigio wines,have developed a new hybrid grape
that acts as an anti-diuretic.
It is expected to reduce the number of trips older people have to make to the
bathroom during the night. The new wine will be marketed as
PINO MORE
I HEARD IT THROUGH THE GRAPEVINE!!
I just could not help it!
Re: Need a laugh?
The demise of the e-mail joke
Those of us who have been around the Internet for a couple of decades (the significance of the number in my screen name, it was my age for my first AOL account) remember how the early days had a majority of our e-mails consisted of jokes sent by friend's. I've noticed this phenomenon has rapidly disappeared over the last two years. When was the last time someone sent you an e-mail joke? Oh yeah Shoe’s got a point there I haven't got any recently!
Over the last four / five months I been searching for jokes on the Internet as my e-mail sources have dried up. Now you understand why I had been doing all the you know you're from jokes over the summer. Those jokes I have been getting via e-mail just aren't as good as the old days. Most of the jokes I get are links to YouTube or other video sites and never really liked posting those for my joke of the week.
So my question is, should I continue to post a joke or two weekly that I get off the Internet or should I start posting less frequently however, with better quality material?
Those of us who have been around the Internet for a couple of decades (the significance of the number in my screen name, it was my age for my first AOL account) remember how the early days had a majority of our e-mails consisted of jokes sent by friend's. I've noticed this phenomenon has rapidly disappeared over the last two years. When was the last time someone sent you an e-mail joke? Oh yeah Shoe’s got a point there I haven't got any recently!
Over the last four / five months I been searching for jokes on the Internet as my e-mail sources have dried up. Now you understand why I had been doing all the you know you're from jokes over the summer. Those jokes I have been getting via e-mail just aren't as good as the old days. Most of the jokes I get are links to YouTube or other video sites and never really liked posting those for my joke of the week.
So my question is, should I continue to post a joke or two weekly that I get off the Internet or should I start posting less frequently however, with better quality material?
-
Marcia (Mrs. Pete)
- Posts: 1576
- Joined: Mon Aug 07, 2006 9:40 pm
- Location: Madison Area, Wisconsin
Re: Need a laugh?
Please continue on as you have. I love this thread, just as it is.shoemak38 wrote:The demise of the e-mail jokeSo my question is, should I continue to post a joke or two weekly that I get off the Internet or should I start posting less frequently however, with better quality material?
Marcia (Mrs. Pete)
Missing St. John. As always.
Missing St. John. As always.
Re: Need a laugh?
TWENTY DOLLARS
On their wedding night, the young bride
Approached her new husband and asked
For $20.00 for their first lovemaking
Encounter.
In his highly aroused state,
Her husband readily agreed.
This scenario was repeated each time they made
Love, for more than 40 years, with him thinking that it was a
Cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that
She needed.
Arriving home around noon one day, she was
Surprised to find her husband in a very drunken state.
During the next few minutes, he explained that
His employer was going through a process of corporate
Downsizing, and he had been let go.
It was unlikely that, at the age of 59, he'd be able to find
Another position that paid anywhere near what
He'd been earning, and therefore, they were financially ruined.
Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which
Showed more than forty years of steady deposits and interest totaling
Nearly $1 million. Then she showed him certificates of deposits issued
By the
bank which was worth over $2 million,
And informed him that they
Were one of the largest depositors in the bank.
She explained that for more than
Three decades she had 'charged' him for sex,
These holdings had multiplied and these were the
Results of her savings and investments.
Faced with evidence of cash and investments
Worth over $3 million, her husband was so astounded he could
Barely speak, but finally he found his voice and blurted out,
'If I'd had any idea what you were doing,
I would have given you all my business!'
That's when she shot him.
You know, sometimes, men just don't know when
To keep their mouths shut
On their wedding night, the young bride
Approached her new husband and asked
For $20.00 for their first lovemaking
Encounter.
In his highly aroused state,
Her husband readily agreed.
This scenario was repeated each time they made
Love, for more than 40 years, with him thinking that it was a
Cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that
She needed.
Arriving home around noon one day, she was
Surprised to find her husband in a very drunken state.
During the next few minutes, he explained that
His employer was going through a process of corporate
Downsizing, and he had been let go.
It was unlikely that, at the age of 59, he'd be able to find
Another position that paid anywhere near what
He'd been earning, and therefore, they were financially ruined.
Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which
Showed more than forty years of steady deposits and interest totaling
Nearly $1 million. Then she showed him certificates of deposits issued
By the
bank which was worth over $2 million,
And informed him that they
Were one of the largest depositors in the bank.
She explained that for more than
Three decades she had 'charged' him for sex,
These holdings had multiplied and these were the
Results of her savings and investments.
Faced with evidence of cash and investments
Worth over $3 million, her husband was so astounded he could
Barely speak, but finally he found his voice and blurted out,
'If I'd had any idea what you were doing,
I would have given you all my business!'
That's when she shot him.
You know, sometimes, men just don't know when
To keep their mouths shut
Re: Need a laugh?
Italian Honeymoon
After returning from his honeymoon in Florida with his new bride, Virginia, Luigi stopped by his old barbershop in Jersey to say hello to his friends. Giovanni said, "Hey Luigi, how wasa da treep?" Luigi said, "Everyting wasa perfecto except for da train ride down." "Whata you mean, Luigi?" asked Giovanni.
"Well, we boarda da train at Grana Central Station. My beautiful Virginia, she pack a basketa food. She broughta da vino, some nice cigars for me, and we were lookina forward to da trip. Everyting wasa Okey Dokey till we getta hungry and open upa da luncha basket. The conductore come a by, waga his finger at us anda say, 'no eat in disa car. Musta use a dining car.' " "So, me and my beautiful Virginia, we go to a dining car, eat a biga lunch and starta ta open da bottle of a nice a vino.
Conductor walka by again, waga his finger and say, 'No drinka in disa car. Musta use a cluba car.' " "So, we go to cluba car. While a drinkina da vino, I starta to lighta my biga cigar.
The conductore, he waga his finger again and say, 'No a smokina disa car. Musta go to a smokina car.' " "We go to a smokina car and I smokea my cigar.
Then my beautiful Virginia and I, we go to a sleeper car anda go to bed. We just about to go boomada boomada and the conductore, he walka through da hall shouting at da top of his a voice, Â 'Nofolka Virginia! Nofolka Virginia!' Â " "Nexta time, I'ma gonna takea da bus..."
After returning from his honeymoon in Florida with his new bride, Virginia, Luigi stopped by his old barbershop in Jersey to say hello to his friends. Giovanni said, "Hey Luigi, how wasa da treep?" Luigi said, "Everyting wasa perfecto except for da train ride down." "Whata you mean, Luigi?" asked Giovanni.
"Well, we boarda da train at Grana Central Station. My beautiful Virginia, she pack a basketa food. She broughta da vino, some nice cigars for me, and we were lookina forward to da trip. Everyting wasa Okey Dokey till we getta hungry and open upa da luncha basket. The conductore come a by, waga his finger at us anda say, 'no eat in disa car. Musta use a dining car.' " "So, me and my beautiful Virginia, we go to a dining car, eat a biga lunch and starta ta open da bottle of a nice a vino.
Conductor walka by again, waga his finger and say, 'No drinka in disa car. Musta use a cluba car.' " "So, we go to cluba car. While a drinkina da vino, I starta to lighta my biga cigar.
The conductore, he waga his finger again and say, 'No a smokina disa car. Musta go to a smokina car.' " "We go to a smokina car and I smokea my cigar.
Then my beautiful Virginia and I, we go to a sleeper car anda go to bed. We just about to go boomada boomada and the conductore, he walka through da hall shouting at da top of his a voice, Â 'Nofolka Virginia! Nofolka Virginia!' Â " "Nexta time, I'ma gonna takea da bus..."
Re: Need a laugh?
These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word.
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said , 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No , I just lie there.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis , does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget..
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do..
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes , voodoo.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor , isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep , he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's 20, much like your IQ.
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you kidding me?
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid.
____________________________________________
XXXXXXXX Love this one!!!!
ATTORNEY: She had three children , right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honour, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death..
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them.. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral , OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral...
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
______________________________________
And last:
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No..
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said , 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No , I just lie there.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis , does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget..
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do..
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes , voodoo.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor , isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep , he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's 20, much like your IQ.
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you kidding me?
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid.
____________________________________________
XXXXXXXX Love this one!!!!
ATTORNEY: She had three children , right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honour, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death..
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them.. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral , OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral...
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
______________________________________
And last:
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No..
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.
-
Marcia (Mrs. Pete)
- Posts: 1576
- Joined: Mon Aug 07, 2006 9:40 pm
- Location: Madison Area, Wisconsin
Re: Need a laugh?
Best set of jokes yet, Shoe. Thank you!!
Marcia (Mrs. Pete)
Missing St. John. As always.
Missing St. John. As always.
Re: Need a laugh?
My boss gave me this one after I told him our 16 year old is dating
WANNA DATE MY DAUGHTER ???
Submitted by William Conway
-------------------------------
When I was in high school I used to be terrified of my girlfriend's father, who I believe suspected me of wanting to place my hands on his daughter's chest. He would open the door and immediately affect a
good-naturedly murderous expression, holding out a handshake that, when gripped, felt like it could squeeze carbon into diamonds.
Now, years later, it is my turn to be the dad. Remembering how unfairly persecuted I felt when I would pick up my dates, I do my best to make my daughter's suitors feel even worse. My motto: wilt them in the living room and they'll stay wilted all night.
"So," I'll call out jovially. "I see you have your nose pierced. Is that because you're stupid, or did you merely want to APPEAR stupid?"
As a dad, I have some basic rules, which I have carved into two stone tablets that I have on display in my living room.
Rule One: If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure as heck not picking anything up.
Rule Two: You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.
Rule Three: I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, In order to assure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric staple gun and fasten your trousers securely in place around your waist.
Rule Four: I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a "barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate: when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I WILL kill you.
Rule Five: In order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is "early."
Rule Six: I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make YOU cry.
Rule Seven: As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process that can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?
Rule Eight: The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka zipped up to her Adam’s apple. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies, which feature chainsaws, are okay.
My daughter claims it embarrasses her to come downstairs and find me attempting to get her date to recite these eight simple rules from memory. I'd be embarrassed too-- there are only eight of them, for crying out loud! And, for the record, I did NOT suggest to one of these cretins that I'd have these rules tattooed on his arm if he couldn't remember them. (I checked into it and the cost is prohibitive.) I merely told him that I thought writing the rules on his arm with a ball point might be inadequate --ink washes off--and that my wood burning set was probably a better alternative.
One time, when my wife caught me having one of my daughter's would-be suitors practice pulling into the driveway, get out of the car, and go up to knock on the front door (he had violated rule number one, so I figured he needed to run through the drill a few dozen times) she asked me why I was being so hard on the boy. "Don't you remember being that age?" she challenged.
Of course I remember. Why do you think I came up with the eight simple rules?
WANNA DATE MY DAUGHTER ???
Submitted by William Conway
-------------------------------
When I was in high school I used to be terrified of my girlfriend's father, who I believe suspected me of wanting to place my hands on his daughter's chest. He would open the door and immediately affect a
good-naturedly murderous expression, holding out a handshake that, when gripped, felt like it could squeeze carbon into diamonds.
Now, years later, it is my turn to be the dad. Remembering how unfairly persecuted I felt when I would pick up my dates, I do my best to make my daughter's suitors feel even worse. My motto: wilt them in the living room and they'll stay wilted all night.
"So," I'll call out jovially. "I see you have your nose pierced. Is that because you're stupid, or did you merely want to APPEAR stupid?"
As a dad, I have some basic rules, which I have carved into two stone tablets that I have on display in my living room.
Rule One: If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure as heck not picking anything up.
Rule Two: You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.
Rule Three: I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, In order to assure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric staple gun and fasten your trousers securely in place around your waist.
Rule Four: I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a "barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate: when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I WILL kill you.
Rule Five: In order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is "early."
Rule Six: I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make YOU cry.
Rule Seven: As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process that can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?
Rule Eight: The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka zipped up to her Adam’s apple. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies, which feature chainsaws, are okay.
My daughter claims it embarrasses her to come downstairs and find me attempting to get her date to recite these eight simple rules from memory. I'd be embarrassed too-- there are only eight of them, for crying out loud! And, for the record, I did NOT suggest to one of these cretins that I'd have these rules tattooed on his arm if he couldn't remember them. (I checked into it and the cost is prohibitive.) I merely told him that I thought writing the rules on his arm with a ball point might be inadequate --ink washes off--and that my wood burning set was probably a better alternative.
One time, when my wife caught me having one of my daughter's would-be suitors practice pulling into the driveway, get out of the car, and go up to knock on the front door (he had violated rule number one, so I figured he needed to run through the drill a few dozen times) she asked me why I was being so hard on the boy. "Don't you remember being that age?" she challenged.
Of course I remember. Why do you think I came up with the eight simple rules?