Need a laugh?

[shoemak38]

Golf Panties....
The Swede's wife steps up to the tee and, as she bends over to place her ball, a gust of wind blows her skirt up and reveals her lack of underwear.

'Good God, woman! Why aren't you wearing any skivvies?', Ole demanded. 'Well' she said, 'you don't give me enough housekeeping money to afford any.'

The Swede immediately reaches into his pocket and says, 'For the sake of decency, here's a 50. Go and buy yourself some underwear..'






Next, the Irishman's wife bends over to set her ball on the tee.

Her skirt also blows up to show that she, too, is wearing no undies. 'Blessed Virgin Mary, woman! You've no knickers. Why not?'
She replies, 'I can't afford any on the money you give me.'

Patrick reaches into his pocket and says, 'For the sake of decency, here's a 20. Go and buy yourself some underwear"!


Lastly, the Scotsman's wife bends over. The wind also takes her skirt over her head to reveal that she, too, is naked under it.

'Sweet mudder of Jaysus, Aggie! Where ta friggin hell are yer drawers?' She too explains, 'You dinna give me enough money ta be able ta affarrd any.'

The Scotsman reaches into his pocket and says, 'Well, fer the love 'o decency, here's a comb.... Tidy yerself up a bit

[shoemak38]

[shoemak38]

IRISH SAUSAGE

Shamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn't have a lot of money between them, they could only raise the staggering sum of one Euro.



Murphy said 'Hang on, I have an idea.'


He went next door to the butcher's shop and came out with one large sausage.


Shamus said 'Are you crazy? Now we don't have any money at all!'



Murphy replied, 'Don't worry - just follow me.'


He went into the pub where he immediately ordered two pints
of Guinness and two glasses of Jamieson Whisky.


Shamus said 'Now you've lost it. Do you know how much trouble we will be in? We haven't got any money!!'



Murphy replied, with a smile. 'Don't worry, I have a plan , Cheers! '


They downed their Drinks. Murphy said, 'OK, I'll stick the sausage through my zipper and you go on your knees and put it in your mouth.'


The barman noticed them, went berserk, and threw them out.


They continued this, pub after pub, getting more and more drunk, all for free.

At the tenth pub Shamus said 'Murphy - I don't think I can do any more of this. I'm drunk and me knees are killing me!'


Murphy said, 'How do you think I feel? I can't even remember which pub I lost the sausage in.'

[shoemak38]

Snagit Capture by SHOEMAK38, on Flickr

[shoemak38]

Shingles

WHY OUR HEALTH CARE COSTS ARE SO HIGH
Kevin had shingles.
Those of us who spend much time in a doctor's office should appreciate this! Doesn't it seem more and more that physicians are running their practices like an assembly line?
Here's what happened to Kevin:

Kevin walked into a doctor's office and the receptionist asked him what he had. Kevin said: 'Shingles.' So she wrote down his name, address, medical insurance number and told him to have a seat.

Fifteen minutes later a nurse's aide came out and asked Kevin what he had...
Kevin said, 'Shingles.' So she wrote down his height, weight, a complete medical history and told Kevin to wait in the examining room.

A half hour later a nurse came in and asked Kevin what he had. Kevin said, 'Shingles..' So the nurse gave Kevin a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, and told Kevin to take off all his clothes and wait for the doctor.



An hour later the doctor came in and found Kevin sitting patiently in the nude and asked Kevin what he had.



Kevin said, 'Shingles.' The doctor asked, 'Where?'
Kevin said, 'Outside on the truck. Where do you want me to unload 'em??'

[shoemak38]

Blonde Golfer


A grandfather, father and grandson went to the country club for their weekly round of golf. Just as they reached the first tee, a beautiful young blonde woman carrying her bag of clubs approached them.

She explained that the member who brought her to the club for a round of golf had an emergency that called him away and asked the trio whether she could join them.

Naturally, the guys all agreed.

Smiling, the blonde thanked them and said, "Look, fellows, I work in a topless bar as a dancer, so nothing shocks me anymore. If any of you want to smoke cigars, have a beer, bet, swear, tell off-color stories or do anything that you normally do when playing a round together, go ahead. But, I enjoy playing golf, consider myself pretty good at it, so don't try to coach me on how to play my shots."

With that the guys agreed to relax and invited her to drive first.

All eyes were fastened on her shapely behind as she bent to place her ball on the tee. She then took her driver and hit the ball 270 yards down the middle, right in front of the green.

The grandfather's mouth was agape. "That was beautiful," he said.

The blonde put her driver away and said, "I really didn't get into it, and I faded it a little."

After the three guys hit their drives and their second shots, the blonde took out an eight iron and lofted the ball within five feet of the hole. (She was closest to the pin.)

The father said, "Damn, lady, you played that perfectly."

The blonde frowned and said, "It was a little weak, but even an easy seven would have been too much club. I've left a tricky little putt." She then tapped in the five-footer for a birdie.

Having the honors, she drove first on the second hole, knocked the heck out of the ball, and it landed nearly 300 yards away smack in the middle of the fairway.

For the rest of the round the statuesque blonde continued to amaze the guys, quietly and methodically shooting for par or less on every hole.

When they arrived at the 18th green, the blonde was three under par, and had a very nasty 12-foot putt on an undulating green for a par.

She turned to the three guys and said, "I really want to thank you all for not acting like a bunch of chauvinists and telling me what club to use or how to play a shot, but I need this putt for a 69 and I'd really like to break 70 on this course.

If any one of you can tell me how to make par on this hole I'll take him back to my apartment, pour some 35-year-old Single Malt Strath Mill Scotch in him, fix him a steak dinner and then show him a very good time the rest of the night."

The yuppie grandson jumped at the thought! He strolled across the green, carefully eyeing the line of the putt and finally said, "Honey, aim about 6 inches to the right of the hole and hit it firm. It will get over that little hump and break right into the cup."

The father knelt down and sighted the putt using his putter as a plumb. "Don't listen to the kid, darlin', you want to hit it softly 10 inches to the right and let it run left down that little hogback, so it falls into the cup."

The old gray-haired grandfather walked over to the blonde's ball, picked it up and handed it to her and said, "That's a gimme, sweetheart."

The blonde smiled and said, "Your car or mine?"

[shoemak38]

today's laugh is from Ruth

oh well this no longer works
the spice is working again

Ruth had a great photo snow photo from the old days living in snow country

[shoemak38]

The Best Pubs Are Irish

"As good as this bar is," said the Scotsman, "I still prefer the pubs back home. In Glasgow , there's a wee place called McTavish's. The landlord goes out of his way for the locals. When you buy four drinks, he'll buy the fifth drink."

"Well, Angus," said the Englishman, "At my local in London , the Red Lion, the barman will buy you your third drink after you buy the first two."

"Ahhh, dat's nothin'," said the Patty Sheehan, then Irishman. "Back home in me favorite pub, the moment you set foot in the place, they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like, actually. Then, when you've had enough drinks, they'll take you upstairs and see dat you gets laid, all on the house!"


The Englishman and Scotsman were suspicious of the claims.


"Did this actually happen to you?"

"Not meself, personally, no," admitted the Irishman, "but it did happen to me sister quite a few times."

[shoemak38]

Choosing a wife

A man wanted to get married. He was having trouble choosing among three likely candidates. He gives each woman a present of $5,000 and watches to see what they do with the money.

The first does a total makeover. She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets her hair done, new makeup; buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much.

The man was impressed.

The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much..

Again, the man is impressed.

The third invests the money in the stock market She earns several times the $5,000. She gives him back his $5,000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much.

Obviously, the man was impressed.

The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money he'd given her.

Then he married the one with the biggest tits.

Men are like that, you know.
And on another note!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

[lprof]

today's laugh is from Ruth

oh well this no longer works
the spice is working again

Ruth had a great photo snow photo from the old days living in snow country

Here it is!

[shoemak38]

MURMURATION

No one knows why they do it. Yet each fall, thousands of starlings dance
in the twilight above England and Scotland. The birds gather in
shape-shifting flocks called murmurations, having migrated in
the millions from Russia and Scandinavia to escape winter’s frigid bite.
Scientists aren’t sure *how* they do it, either.

The murmurations are manifestations of swarm intelligence, which in
different contexts is practiced by schools of fish, swarms of bees and
colonies of ants. As far as I am aware, even complex algorithmic
models haven’t yet explained the starlings’ aerobatics, which rely on
the tiny birds' quicksilver reaction time of under 100 milliseconds to
avoid aerial collisions—and predators—in the giant flock.

Despite their tour de force in the dusky sky, starlings have declined
significantly in the UK in recent years, perhaps because of a decline
in suitable nesting sites. The birds still roost in several of Britain’s
rural pastures, however, settling down to sleep (and chatter) after their
evening ballet.

Two young ladies were out for a late afternoon canoe ride, and
fortunately one of them had remembered to bring her video camera. What
they saw was a wonderful murmuration display, caught in the short video
whose URL is below.

Watch the variation of colour and intensity of the patterns that the
birds make in close proximity to one other. And take a look at the girl
in the bow of the canoe watching the aerial display



Click>>>>> http://vimeo.com/31158841

[Chet]

In the Maryland countryside, my brother and I referred to the starlings in flight as the " aurora birdealis"

[shoemak38]

A cop pulls over a blonde for speeding. The cop gets out of his car and asks the blonde for her license.

'You cops should get it together. One day you take away my license, and the next day you ask me to show it."

A blonde buys a used sports car. However, during the first joy ride, the engine jerks and the car slows to a stop. The blonde calls a tow truck. The mechanic sets to work, and 10 minutes later, the car is running again.

"What was the matter?" she asks.

"Simple really, just sh*t in the carburetor" he replies.

Taken aback she asks, "Oh, how many times a week do I have to put that in?"


A blonde walks into a gas station and says to the manager, "I locked my keys in my car. Do you have a coat hanger or something I can stick through the window to unlock the door?"

The manager gives the blonde a bent coat hanger.

A few minutes later, he goes out to check on her. As her approaches the blonde working the hanger in window, he notices another blonde inside the car, coaching "No, no! A little to the left."


A blonde's car breaks down. A cop pulls up and inquires about the group of naked men standing next to her car.

The blonde says, "They're my emergency flashers."

Two girls speed down the highway at 90 mph.

"Hey," asks the brunette at the wheel, "do you see any cops following us?"

The blonde turns around. "As a matter of fact, I do."

"Damn!" curses the brunette. "Are his flashers on?

The blonde turns around again. "Yup. Nope. Yup. Nope. Yup... ."

A blonde gets lost in her car in a snowstorm. She remembers her father's advice, "If you ever get stuck in a snowstorm, wait for a snow plow and follow it." Soon a snow plow comes by, and she follows it for about 45 minutes.

Finally, the driver of the truck gets out and asks her what she is doing. She explains the advice her father had given her. The driver says, "Well, I'm done with the parking lot here at the mall, now you can follow me over to the bank."



A police officer pulls over a driver and informs him that he has just won $5,000 in a safety competition, all because he is wearing his seat belt.

"What are you going to do with the prize money?" the officer asks.

The man responds, "I guess I'll go to driving school and get my license."

His wife says, "Officer, don't listen to him. He's a smart aleck when he's drunk."

The guy in the back seat pops up out from under the blanket and says, "I knew we wouldn't get far in this stolen car."

Just then a knock comes from the trunk and a voice calls out, "Are we over the border yet?


Every day after work two blondes would look for their cars together. Since they could never remember where they parked, they would sit around until all the cars were gone and they could spot their vehicles.

One blonde says "We need to find a faster way to get home."

The next day, they come to work on a donkey. After work they come out and see a donkey tied to the fence.

I think we're going to have to wait again, " says the one blonde. "I'm not convinced that's our donkey."

"Why not?" asks the second blonde.

The first blonde says, "Well, this donkey only has one a**hole, and this morning when we rode in, I distinctly overhead someone say, 'Hey look at those two a**holes on that donkey.'"

WHAT NOT TO SAY TO A POLICEMAN

-- I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.

-- Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize I was driving.

-- Wow, you must've been doing about 125 mph to keep up with me!

-- I was going to be a cop, but I decided to finish high school instead.

-- You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?

-- You look just like my girlfriend's deadbeat ex-husband.

-- The question is -- do YOU know why you pulled me over?

-- I was trying to keep up with traffic, and it's miles ahead of me.

-- If you have to ask if I've been drinking, I'm not going to tell you, dude.

-- It wasn't my fault -- when I reached down to roll this joint, my gun fell off my lap and got lodged under the brake pedal.

-- That's a sweet 9mm. You want to hold my .44 magnum?

-- If I'd known I was getting a full body cavity search, I would have waxed!

[shoemak38]

Snagit Capture by SHOEMAK38, on Flickr

[shoemak38]

An elderly lady phoned her telephone company to report that her telephone failed to ring when her friends called -- and that on the few occasions when it did ring, her pet dog always moaned right before the phone rang. The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this psychic dog or senile elderly lady. He climbed a nearby telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and dialed the subscriber's house. The phone didn't ring right away, but then the dog moaned loudly and the telephone began to ring. Climbing down from the pole, the telephone repairman found.....

1. The dog was tied to the telephone system's ground wire via a steel chain and collar.
2. The wire connection to the ground rod was loose.
3. The dog was receiving 90 volts of signaling current when the phone number was called.
4. After a couple of such jolts, the dog would start moaning and then urinate on himself and the ground.
5. The wet ground would complete the circuit, thus causing the phone to ring.

.....Which goes to show that some problems CAN be fixed by pissing and moaning