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Need a laugh?
Re: Need a laugh?
Rules of Houston, H-Town, 3rd Coast, Bayou or whatever you wanna call it.
You must learn to pronounce the city name. It is "Hue-stun," not "Ewe-stun", or "house-tun" Oh yea, the street is pronounced "San Phil-ee -pay, "not" San Phil-eep"(San Felipe). Enunciate, you idiots!
Forget the traffic rules you learned elsewhere. Houston has its own version of traffic rules...Hold on and pray. There is no such thing as a dangerous high-speed chase in Houston. We all drive like that.
All directions start with, "Go down to Loop 610"... which has no beginning and no end.
The Chamber of Commerce calls getting through traffic... a "Scenic Drive."
The morning rush hour is from 6:00AM to 10:00AM. The evening rush hour is from 3: 00PM to 7:00PM. Friday's rush hour starts Thursday morning.
If you actually stop at a yellow light, you will be rear-ended, cussed out and possibly shot. When you are the first one off the starting line, count to five when the light turns green before going, to avoid getting into any cross-traffic's way.
Kuykendahl Road can ONLY be pronounced by a native Houstonian.
Construction on I-10, I-45, US 59 and Loop 610 is a way of life and a permanent form of entertainment.
All unexplained smells are explained by the phrases, "Oh, we must be in Pasadena!" or "God, I hate Baytown!" or "Mmm, smell that Texas City!"
If someone actually has their turn signal on, it is probably a factory defect.
All old ladies with blue hair in a pink Cadillac have total right-of-way.
The minimum acceptable speed on Loop 610 is 85 mph. Anything less is considered downright sissy. In turn, the minimum speed on Westheimer is at least 45mph...
The wrought iron on windows in east Houston is NOT ornamental.
Never stare at the driver of the car with the bumper sticker that says, "Keep honking, I'm reloading." In fact, don't honk at anyone. IT'S LEGAL TO CARRY GUNS HERE!!!
If you are in the left lane, and only going 70 mph in a 60 mph zone, people are not waving when they go by.
The Sam Houston Toll road is our daily version of NASCAR.
If it's 100 degrees, Thanksgiving must be next weekend.
When in doubt, remember that all unmarked exits lead to Louisiana.
If you live in Katy and I live on the south side of Houston we'll never hang out.
The best thing about being drunk between 2-5 am is Whataburger will serve both breakfast and normal menus.
You are always able to be pulled over by any police vehicle, even if you were just given a ticket.
You don't have to wait for an exit to get off a freeway, just follow the ruts in the grass to the feeder like everyone else. This is how Houston residents notify Texas Department of Transportation where exits should have been built.
Else-where, they are called frontage roads... Here in Houston, they are called FEEDER roads, so don't look stupid when we say "Exit the feeder road and use the loop-d-loop"
You must learn to pronounce the city name. It is "Hue-stun," not "Ewe-stun", or "house-tun" Oh yea, the street is pronounced "San Phil-ee -pay, "not" San Phil-eep"(San Felipe). Enunciate, you idiots!
Forget the traffic rules you learned elsewhere. Houston has its own version of traffic rules...Hold on and pray. There is no such thing as a dangerous high-speed chase in Houston. We all drive like that.
All directions start with, "Go down to Loop 610"... which has no beginning and no end.
The Chamber of Commerce calls getting through traffic... a "Scenic Drive."
The morning rush hour is from 6:00AM to 10:00AM. The evening rush hour is from 3: 00PM to 7:00PM. Friday's rush hour starts Thursday morning.
If you actually stop at a yellow light, you will be rear-ended, cussed out and possibly shot. When you are the first one off the starting line, count to five when the light turns green before going, to avoid getting into any cross-traffic's way.
Kuykendahl Road can ONLY be pronounced by a native Houstonian.
Construction on I-10, I-45, US 59 and Loop 610 is a way of life and a permanent form of entertainment.
All unexplained smells are explained by the phrases, "Oh, we must be in Pasadena!" or "God, I hate Baytown!" or "Mmm, smell that Texas City!"
If someone actually has their turn signal on, it is probably a factory defect.
All old ladies with blue hair in a pink Cadillac have total right-of-way.
The minimum acceptable speed on Loop 610 is 85 mph. Anything less is considered downright sissy. In turn, the minimum speed on Westheimer is at least 45mph...
The wrought iron on windows in east Houston is NOT ornamental.
Never stare at the driver of the car with the bumper sticker that says, "Keep honking, I'm reloading." In fact, don't honk at anyone. IT'S LEGAL TO CARRY GUNS HERE!!!
If you are in the left lane, and only going 70 mph in a 60 mph zone, people are not waving when they go by.
The Sam Houston Toll road is our daily version of NASCAR.
If it's 100 degrees, Thanksgiving must be next weekend.
When in doubt, remember that all unmarked exits lead to Louisiana.
If you live in Katy and I live on the south side of Houston we'll never hang out.
The best thing about being drunk between 2-5 am is Whataburger will serve both breakfast and normal menus.
You are always able to be pulled over by any police vehicle, even if you were just given a ticket.
You don't have to wait for an exit to get off a freeway, just follow the ruts in the grass to the feeder like everyone else. This is how Houston residents notify Texas Department of Transportation where exits should have been built.
Else-where, they are called frontage roads... Here in Houston, they are called FEEDER roads, so don't look stupid when we say "Exit the feeder road and use the loop-d-loop"
Re: Need a laugh?
You know you are an Okie if...
The first thing you do if you hear tornado sirens during the day is check your watch to see if it's noon.
You don't get worried unless the sky looks "green".
You use the word "tornado" as a verb.
You chuckle at all the facebook groups called "I survived the ___ tornado."
You might go indoors when there's a tornado, but you won't "seek shelter" for anything less than an F3.
You know what Doppler radar, Hook echo, wall cloud, and rain-wrapped all mean.
You've never exactly memorized the tornado precautions, but you've heard them enough times that you know them by heart anyway.
Watching the weather is entertaining. And red on the Doppler radar is exciting.
The phrase "Tornado on the ground, take your immediate tornado precautions" sends exciting shivers up your spine.
You've seen photos/videos of tornados and said, "Wow, that's a nice one!"
You can feel/smell tornado weather brewing a few hours before the storm actually begins.
There's an odd feeling as though you've misplaced something if you make it all the way to June without a tornado warning near you.
You think people that live in earthquake and/or hurricane prone areas are crazy.
You know what people are talking about when they mention the "May 3rd" tornado.
You watch the movie "Twister" just so you can point out all the inaccuracies in it.
You know your weathermen by their first names. i.e. Gary .
When you hear the tornado sirens go off, you go outside to watch the storm and take pictures.
Most of the tornado video footage comes from everyday people with camcorders instead of from actual news/weathermen.
You're sure there's a giant tornado magnet hidden somewhere in Moore . And that there are smaller ones distributed throughout trailer parks.
You know that the four seasons are actually: summer, late summer, winter (if you're lucky), and tornado.
You don't consider it windy until the windspeed is faster than 20mph.
You are highly entertained by people from outside tornado alley when there is a tornado watch. (Especially if you're the one who's visiting the other state.)
Your school has tornado drills. And you assumed that schools in every other state had them as well.
There's enough random stuff in your tornado shelter that you could live there for a year.
You stand under your carport or open your front door to watch hail and/or thunderstorms.
You know the difference between a basement, a cellar, and a storm shelter.
The weather is a completely acceptable subject for conversation, at any time, for any occasion.
Your local mall has "tornado shelter" signs posted.
It doesn't bother you the next day to find out that your area was under a tornado watch the night before and you had no idea. Unless, of course, it caused you to miss some interesting cloud formations.
Getting to "play" in the basement/cellar/storm shelter excites you or numbers among your favorite childhood memories.
You keep matches, candles, and candleholders in more than one place in your house.
Your town will never get hit by a tornado because you're between two rivers or because an old Indian legend says so.
You complain about severe weather reports that interrupt the TV show you're watching.
You can get together all your most important possessions in 2 minutes flat.
When tornado sirens woke you up in the middle of the night...you rolled over and went back to sleep.
You laughed at everything in this list, but you also respect a tornado's power. And you know that after it's over, clean-up and re-building has to begin.
The first thing you do if you hear tornado sirens during the day is check your watch to see if it's noon.
You don't get worried unless the sky looks "green".
You use the word "tornado" as a verb.
You chuckle at all the facebook groups called "I survived the ___ tornado."
You might go indoors when there's a tornado, but you won't "seek shelter" for anything less than an F3.
You know what Doppler radar, Hook echo, wall cloud, and rain-wrapped all mean.
You've never exactly memorized the tornado precautions, but you've heard them enough times that you know them by heart anyway.
Watching the weather is entertaining. And red on the Doppler radar is exciting.
The phrase "Tornado on the ground, take your immediate tornado precautions" sends exciting shivers up your spine.
You've seen photos/videos of tornados and said, "Wow, that's a nice one!"
You can feel/smell tornado weather brewing a few hours before the storm actually begins.
There's an odd feeling as though you've misplaced something if you make it all the way to June without a tornado warning near you.
You think people that live in earthquake and/or hurricane prone areas are crazy.
You know what people are talking about when they mention the "May 3rd" tornado.
You watch the movie "Twister" just so you can point out all the inaccuracies in it.
You know your weathermen by their first names. i.e. Gary .
When you hear the tornado sirens go off, you go outside to watch the storm and take pictures.
Most of the tornado video footage comes from everyday people with camcorders instead of from actual news/weathermen.
You're sure there's a giant tornado magnet hidden somewhere in Moore . And that there are smaller ones distributed throughout trailer parks.
You know that the four seasons are actually: summer, late summer, winter (if you're lucky), and tornado.
You don't consider it windy until the windspeed is faster than 20mph.
You are highly entertained by people from outside tornado alley when there is a tornado watch. (Especially if you're the one who's visiting the other state.)
Your school has tornado drills. And you assumed that schools in every other state had them as well.
There's enough random stuff in your tornado shelter that you could live there for a year.
You stand under your carport or open your front door to watch hail and/or thunderstorms.
You know the difference between a basement, a cellar, and a storm shelter.
The weather is a completely acceptable subject for conversation, at any time, for any occasion.
Your local mall has "tornado shelter" signs posted.
It doesn't bother you the next day to find out that your area was under a tornado watch the night before and you had no idea. Unless, of course, it caused you to miss some interesting cloud formations.
Getting to "play" in the basement/cellar/storm shelter excites you or numbers among your favorite childhood memories.
You keep matches, candles, and candleholders in more than one place in your house.
Your town will never get hit by a tornado because you're between two rivers or because an old Indian legend says so.
You complain about severe weather reports that interrupt the TV show you're watching.
You can get together all your most important possessions in 2 minutes flat.
When tornado sirens woke you up in the middle of the night...you rolled over and went back to sleep.
You laughed at everything in this list, but you also respect a tornado's power. And you know that after it's over, clean-up and re-building has to begin.
Re: Need a laugh?
You Know You're Italian When...
You can bench press 325 pounds, shave twice a day and still cry when your mother yells at you. You carry your lunch in a produce bag because you can't fit two cappicola sandwiches, 4 oranges, 2 bananas and pizzelles into a regular lunch bag.
Your mechanic, plumber, electrician, accountant, travel agent and lawyer are all your cousins.
You have at least 5 cousins living in the same town or street. All five of those cousins are named after your grandfather or grandmother.
You are on a first name basis with at least 8 banquet hall owners.
You only get one good shave from a disposable razor.
If someone in your family grows beyond 5' 9", it is presumed his Mother had an affair.
There are more than 28 people in your bridal party.
You netted more than $50,000 on your first communion.
And you REALLY, REALLY know you're Italian when:
Your grandfather had a fig tree.
You eat Sunday dinner at 2:00.
Christmas Eve . . . only fish.
Your mom's meatballs are the best.
You've been hit with a wooden spoon or had a shoe thrown at you.
Plastic on the furniture is normal. You know how to pronounce "manicotti" and "mozzarella."
You fight over whether it's called "sauce" or "gravy." You've called someone a "mamaluke." And you understand "bada bing."
And last but not least ... Do you know why most men from Italy are named Tony? On the boat over to America they put a sticker on them that said TO: NY.
You can bench press 325 pounds, shave twice a day and still cry when your mother yells at you. You carry your lunch in a produce bag because you can't fit two cappicola sandwiches, 4 oranges, 2 bananas and pizzelles into a regular lunch bag.
Your mechanic, plumber, electrician, accountant, travel agent and lawyer are all your cousins.
You have at least 5 cousins living in the same town or street. All five of those cousins are named after your grandfather or grandmother.
You are on a first name basis with at least 8 banquet hall owners.
You only get one good shave from a disposable razor.
If someone in your family grows beyond 5' 9", it is presumed his Mother had an affair.
There are more than 28 people in your bridal party.
You netted more than $50,000 on your first communion.
And you REALLY, REALLY know you're Italian when:
Your grandfather had a fig tree.
You eat Sunday dinner at 2:00.
Christmas Eve . . . only fish.
Your mom's meatballs are the best.
You've been hit with a wooden spoon or had a shoe thrown at you.
Plastic on the furniture is normal. You know how to pronounce "manicotti" and "mozzarella."
You fight over whether it's called "sauce" or "gravy." You've called someone a "mamaluke." And you understand "bada bing."
And last but not least ... Do you know why most men from Italy are named Tony? On the boat over to America they put a sticker on them that said TO: NY.
Re: Need a laugh?
Driving On Long Island*
A right-lane construction closure is just a game to see how many people can cut in line by passing you on the right as you sit in the left lane waiting for the same drivers to squeeze their way back in before hitting the orange construction barrels,
Turn signals will give away your next move. A real Long Island driver never uses them. Use of them in Massapequa may be illegal,
Under no circumstances should you leave a safe distance between you and the car in front of you, or the space will be filled in by somebody else putting you in an even more dangerous situation,
Crossing two or more lanes in a single lane-change is considered "going with the flow."
The faster you drive through a red light, the smaller the chance you have of getting hit,
Never get in the way of an older car that needs extensive bodywork,
Braking is to be done as hard and late as possible to ensure that your ABS kicks in, giving a nice, relaxing foot massage as the brake pedal pulsates. For those of you without ABS, it's a chance to stretch your legs,
Construction signs warn you about road closures immediately after you pass the last exit before the backup.
Electronic traffic warning signs are not there to provide useful information. they are only there to make Long Island look high-tech, and to distract you from seeing the state police radar car parked on the median.
Never pass on the left when you can pass on the right.
Speed limits are arbitrary figures, given only as suggestions, and are apparently not enforceable during rush hour.
Just because you're in the left lane and have no room to speed up or move over doesn't mean that a Long Island driver flashing his high beams behind you doesn't think he can go faster in your spot.
Always slow down and rubberneck when you see an accident, or even if someone is just changing a tire,
Throwing litter on the roads adds color to the landscape and gives Adopt-a-Highway crews something to clean up,
It is assumed that state police cars passing at high speed may be followed in the event you need to make up a few minutes on your way to work, or the beach,
Learn to swerve abruptly. Long Island is the home of high-speed slalom driving thanks to potholes
It is traditional in Long Island to honk your horn at cars that don't move the instant the light changes,
Seeking eye contact with another driver revokes your right of way, except in Garden City where it acts as an invitation to duel or play chicken,
Never take a green light at face value. Always look right and left before proceeding. In Long Island it is common to stop and then decide which direction to turn,
Remember that the goal of every Long Island driver is to get there first, by whatever means necessary,
Real Long Island female drivers can put on makeup, and balance the checkbook at seventy-five miles per hour, during a snowstorm in bumper-to-bumper traffic,
Real Long Island male drivers can take off pantyhose, unsnap a bra with one flick of their wrist at seventy-five miles per hour during a snowstorm in bumper-to-bumper traffic,
Heavy snow, ice, fog, and rain are no reasons to change any of the previously listed rules. These weather conditions are God's way of insuring a natural selection process for body shops, junkyards, and new vehicle sales.
A right-lane construction closure is just a game to see how many people can cut in line by passing you on the right as you sit in the left lane waiting for the same drivers to squeeze their way back in before hitting the orange construction barrels,
Turn signals will give away your next move. A real Long Island driver never uses them. Use of them in Massapequa may be illegal,
Under no circumstances should you leave a safe distance between you and the car in front of you, or the space will be filled in by somebody else putting you in an even more dangerous situation,
Crossing two or more lanes in a single lane-change is considered "going with the flow."
The faster you drive through a red light, the smaller the chance you have of getting hit,
Never get in the way of an older car that needs extensive bodywork,
Braking is to be done as hard and late as possible to ensure that your ABS kicks in, giving a nice, relaxing foot massage as the brake pedal pulsates. For those of you without ABS, it's a chance to stretch your legs,
Construction signs warn you about road closures immediately after you pass the last exit before the backup.
Electronic traffic warning signs are not there to provide useful information. they are only there to make Long Island look high-tech, and to distract you from seeing the state police radar car parked on the median.
Never pass on the left when you can pass on the right.
Speed limits are arbitrary figures, given only as suggestions, and are apparently not enforceable during rush hour.
Just because you're in the left lane and have no room to speed up or move over doesn't mean that a Long Island driver flashing his high beams behind you doesn't think he can go faster in your spot.
Always slow down and rubberneck when you see an accident, or even if someone is just changing a tire,
Throwing litter on the roads adds color to the landscape and gives Adopt-a-Highway crews something to clean up,
It is assumed that state police cars passing at high speed may be followed in the event you need to make up a few minutes on your way to work, or the beach,
Learn to swerve abruptly. Long Island is the home of high-speed slalom driving thanks to potholes
It is traditional in Long Island to honk your horn at cars that don't move the instant the light changes,
Seeking eye contact with another driver revokes your right of way, except in Garden City where it acts as an invitation to duel or play chicken,
Never take a green light at face value. Always look right and left before proceeding. In Long Island it is common to stop and then decide which direction to turn,
Remember that the goal of every Long Island driver is to get there first, by whatever means necessary,
Real Long Island female drivers can put on makeup, and balance the checkbook at seventy-five miles per hour, during a snowstorm in bumper-to-bumper traffic,
Real Long Island male drivers can take off pantyhose, unsnap a bra with one flick of their wrist at seventy-five miles per hour during a snowstorm in bumper-to-bumper traffic,
Heavy snow, ice, fog, and rain are no reasons to change any of the previously listed rules. These weather conditions are God's way of insuring a natural selection process for body shops, junkyards, and new vehicle sales.
Re: Need a laugh?
You KNOW you're in California when:
Your coworker has 8 body piercing and none are visible.
You make over $250,000 and still can't afford a house.
You take a bus and are shocked at 2 people carrying on a conversation in English.
Your child's 3rd grade teacher has purple hair, a nose ring, and is named Breeze.
You can't remember...is pot illegal?
You've been to more than one baby shower that has two mothers and a sperm donor.
You have a very strong opinion about where your coffee beans are grown and can taste the difference between Sumatra and Ethiopian.
You also know which Brentwood restaurant serves the freshest arugula.
A really great parking space can move you to tears.
A low speed pursuit will interrupt ANY TV broadcast.
Gas cost 75 cents per gallon more than anywhere else in the U.S.
A man gets on the bus in full leather regalia and crotchless chaps. You don't even notice.
A woman gets on the bus with live poultry. You don't even notice.
Unlike back home, the guy at 8:30 am at Starbucks wearing the baseball cap and sunglasses who looks like George Clooney actually IS George Clooney.
Your car insurance costs as much as your house payment.
The gym is packed at 3 PM.... On a work day.
Your hairdresser is straight, your plumber is gay, the woman who delivers your mail is into BDSM, and your Mary Kay rep is a guy in drag.
It's sprinkling and there's a report on every news station about "STORM WATCH 99," You have to leave the big company meeting early because Billy Blanks himself is teaching the 4:00 PM Tae Bo class.
Your paperboy has a two-picture deal.
You pass an elementary school playground and the children are all busy with their cell phones or pagers.
You AND your dog have therapists.
Your coworker has 8 body piercing and none are visible.
You make over $250,000 and still can't afford a house.
You take a bus and are shocked at 2 people carrying on a conversation in English.
Your child's 3rd grade teacher has purple hair, a nose ring, and is named Breeze.
You can't remember...is pot illegal?
You've been to more than one baby shower that has two mothers and a sperm donor.
You have a very strong opinion about where your coffee beans are grown and can taste the difference between Sumatra and Ethiopian.
You also know which Brentwood restaurant serves the freshest arugula.
A really great parking space can move you to tears.
A low speed pursuit will interrupt ANY TV broadcast.
Gas cost 75 cents per gallon more than anywhere else in the U.S.
A man gets on the bus in full leather regalia and crotchless chaps. You don't even notice.
A woman gets on the bus with live poultry. You don't even notice.
Unlike back home, the guy at 8:30 am at Starbucks wearing the baseball cap and sunglasses who looks like George Clooney actually IS George Clooney.
Your car insurance costs as much as your house payment.
The gym is packed at 3 PM.... On a work day.
Your hairdresser is straight, your plumber is gay, the woman who delivers your mail is into BDSM, and your Mary Kay rep is a guy in drag.
It's sprinkling and there's a report on every news station about "STORM WATCH 99," You have to leave the big company meeting early because Billy Blanks himself is teaching the 4:00 PM Tae Bo class.
Your paperboy has a two-picture deal.
You pass an elementary school playground and the children are all busy with their cell phones or pagers.
You AND your dog have therapists.
Re: Need a laugh?
You are 100% Texan if....
It doesn't bother you to use an airport named for a man who died in an airplane crash.
You use the phrase "fixin' to" almost daily.
Someone you know has used a football schedule to plan their wedding date.
You've ever been excused from school because "the cows got out."
You can properly pronounce the town Mexia, Waxahachie, and Mesquite.
You can remember the name of the last state legislator to introduce a bill involving castration and he didn't mean farm animals.
You know exactly what calf fries are, and eat them anyway.
You can recall hot summers by the year they happened easier than you can remember your mother's birthday.
You think that people who complain about the wind in their states are sissies.
You know that the true value of a parking space is not determined by the distance to the door but by the availability of shade.
You have owned at least one belt buckle bigger than your fist.
A bad traffic jam involves two cars staring each other down at four-way stop, each determined to be the most polite and let the other one go first.
When you hear a tornado siren, you go out and look for a funnel.
Your "place at the lake" has wheels under it.
You aren't surprised to find movie rental, ammunition, and bait all in the same store.
A Mercedes Benz is not a status symbol. A Ford F350 4x4 is.
You know that everything goes better with Ranch.
You learned how to shoot a gun before you learned how to multiply.
You know that "y'all" is singular and "all y'all" is plural.
It doesn't bother you to use an airport named for a man who died in an airplane crash.
You use the phrase "fixin' to" almost daily.
Someone you know has used a football schedule to plan their wedding date.
You've ever been excused from school because "the cows got out."
You can properly pronounce the town Mexia, Waxahachie, and Mesquite.
You can remember the name of the last state legislator to introduce a bill involving castration and he didn't mean farm animals.
You know exactly what calf fries are, and eat them anyway.
You can recall hot summers by the year they happened easier than you can remember your mother's birthday.
You think that people who complain about the wind in their states are sissies.
You know that the true value of a parking space is not determined by the distance to the door but by the availability of shade.
You have owned at least one belt buckle bigger than your fist.
A bad traffic jam involves two cars staring each other down at four-way stop, each determined to be the most polite and let the other one go first.
When you hear a tornado siren, you go out and look for a funnel.
Your "place at the lake" has wheels under it.
You aren't surprised to find movie rental, ammunition, and bait all in the same store.
A Mercedes Benz is not a status symbol. A Ford F350 4x4 is.
You know that everything goes better with Ranch.
You learned how to shoot a gun before you learned how to multiply.
You know that "y'all" is singular and "all y'all" is plural.
Re: Need a laugh?
You know you're from the sticks if:
You've never met any celebrities.
Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor on the highway.
"Vacation" means going to the family reunion.
You've seen all the biggest bands ten years after they were popular.
You measure distance in minutes.
You know several people who have hit a deer.
Your school classes were canceled because of bomb threats.
Your school classes were canceled because of heat. (but not the cold)
You've ridden the school bus for an hour each way.
You've ever had to switch from "Heat" to "A/C" in the same day.
You think Ethanol makes your truck "run a lot better."
You know what's knee-high by the Fourth of July.
Stores don't have bags; they have sacks.
You see people wear bib overalls at funerals.
You see a car running in the parking lot at the store with no one in it no matter what time of the year.
You use "fix" as an adverb. Example: I am fixing to go to the store.
All the festivals across the state are named after a fruit, vegetable, grain, plant, or animal.
You install security lights on your house and garage and leave both unlocked.
You think of the major four food groups as beef, pork, beer, and Jell-O salad with marshmallows.
You carry jumper cables in your car.
You know what "cow tipping" and "snipe hunting" is.
You only own 3 spices: salt, pepper, and ketchup.
You think everyone from a bigger city has an accent.
You think sexy lingerie is a tee shirt and boxer shorts.
The local paper covers national and international headlines on one page but requires 6 pages for sports.
You think that deer season is a national holiday.
You know which leaves make good toilet paper.
You know that going "barefootin" is one of the great joys of life.
You find 80 degrees Fahrenheit "a little chilly."
You know all 4 seasons: Halloween, Christmas, Easter, and Summer Vacation!!
You actually get these jokes and forward them to all your friends.
You've never met any celebrities.
Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor on the highway.
"Vacation" means going to the family reunion.
You've seen all the biggest bands ten years after they were popular.
You measure distance in minutes.
You know several people who have hit a deer.
Your school classes were canceled because of bomb threats.
Your school classes were canceled because of heat. (but not the cold)
You've ridden the school bus for an hour each way.
You've ever had to switch from "Heat" to "A/C" in the same day.
You think Ethanol makes your truck "run a lot better."
You know what's knee-high by the Fourth of July.
Stores don't have bags; they have sacks.
You see people wear bib overalls at funerals.
You see a car running in the parking lot at the store with no one in it no matter what time of the year.
You use "fix" as an adverb. Example: I am fixing to go to the store.
All the festivals across the state are named after a fruit, vegetable, grain, plant, or animal.
You install security lights on your house and garage and leave both unlocked.
You think of the major four food groups as beef, pork, beer, and Jell-O salad with marshmallows.
You carry jumper cables in your car.
You know what "cow tipping" and "snipe hunting" is.
You only own 3 spices: salt, pepper, and ketchup.
You think everyone from a bigger city has an accent.
You think sexy lingerie is a tee shirt and boxer shorts.
The local paper covers national and international headlines on one page but requires 6 pages for sports.
You think that deer season is a national holiday.
You know which leaves make good toilet paper.
You know that going "barefootin" is one of the great joys of life.
You find 80 degrees Fahrenheit "a little chilly."
You know all 4 seasons: Halloween, Christmas, Easter, and Summer Vacation!!
You actually get these jokes and forward them to all your friends.
Re: Need a laugh?
almost done with our joke tour of you know you're from 
Re: Need a laugh?
Summer Olympics
Here are the top nine comments made by NBC sports commentators
during the Summer Olympics that they would like to take back:
1. Weightlifting commentator: "This is Gregoriava from Bulgaria . I saw
her snatch this morning during her warm up and it was amazing."
2. Dressage commentator: "This is really a lovely horse and I speak
from personal experience since I once mounted her mother."
3. Paul Hamm, Gymnast: "I owe a lot to my parents, especially
my mother and father."
4. Boxing Analyst: "Sure there have been injuries, and even some
deaths in boxing, but none of them really that serious."
5. Softball announcer: "If history repeats itself, I should think we
can expect the same thing again."
6. Basketball analyst: "He dribbles a lot and the opposition doesn't
like it. In fact you can see it all over their faces."
7. At the rowing medal ceremony: "Ah, isn't that nice, the wife
of the IOC president is hugging the cox of the British crew."
8. Soccer commentator: "Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like
they've got eleven Dicks on the field."
9. Tennis commentator: "One of the reasons Andy is playing so well is
that, before the final round, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them...
Oh my God, what have I just said?"
Here are the top nine comments made by NBC sports commentators
during the Summer Olympics that they would like to take back:
1. Weightlifting commentator: "This is Gregoriava from Bulgaria . I saw
her snatch this morning during her warm up and it was amazing."
2. Dressage commentator: "This is really a lovely horse and I speak
from personal experience since I once mounted her mother."
3. Paul Hamm, Gymnast: "I owe a lot to my parents, especially
my mother and father."
4. Boxing Analyst: "Sure there have been injuries, and even some
deaths in boxing, but none of them really that serious."
5. Softball announcer: "If history repeats itself, I should think we
can expect the same thing again."
6. Basketball analyst: "He dribbles a lot and the opposition doesn't
like it. In fact you can see it all over their faces."
7. At the rowing medal ceremony: "Ah, isn't that nice, the wife
of the IOC president is hugging the cox of the British crew."
8. Soccer commentator: "Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like
they've got eleven Dicks on the field."
9. Tennis commentator: "One of the reasons Andy is playing so well is
that, before the final round, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them...
Oh my God, what have I just said?"
Re: Need a laugh?
On a chain of beautiful deserted islands in the middle of South Pacific, the following people are stranded:
Two Italian men and one Italian woman.
Two French men and one French woman.
Two German men and one German woman.
Two Greek men and one Greek woman.
Two British men and one British woman.
Two Bulgarian men and one Bulgarian woman.
Two Japanese men and one Japanese woman.
Two Chinese men and one Chinese woman.
Two Irish men and one Irish woman.
Two American men and one American woman.
One month later, on these absolutely stunning deserted islands in the middle of nowhere, the following things have
occurred:
One Italian man killed the other Italian man for the Italian woman.
The two French men and the French woman are living happily together in a ménage à trois.
The two German men have a strict weekly schedule of alternating visits with the German woman.
The two Greek men are sleeping together and the Greek woman is cooking and cleaning for them.
The two British men are waiting for someone to introduce them to the British woman.
The two Bulgarian men took one look at the Bulgarian woman and started swimming to another island.
The two Japanese have faxed Tokyo and are awaiting instructions.
The two Chinese men have set up a pharmacy, liquor store, restaurant, and laundry, and have gotten the woman pregnant in order to supply more employees for their stores.
The two Irish men divided the island into north and south and set up a distillery. They do not remember if sex is in the picture because it gets somewhat foggy after a few pints of coconut whisky. However, they're satisfied because the British aren't having any fun.
The two American men are contemplating suicide, because the American woman will not shut up and complains relentlessly about her body, the true nature of feminism, what the sun is doing to her skin, how she can do anything they can do, the necessity of fulfillment, the equal division of household chores, how sand and palm trees make her look fat, how her last boyfriend respected her opinion and treated her nicer than they do, and how her relationship with her mother is the root cause of all her problems, and why didn't they bring a damn cell phone so they could call 911 and get them all rescued off this forsaken deserted island in the middle of freaking nowhere so she can get her nails done and go shopping.
Two Italian men and one Italian woman.
Two French men and one French woman.
Two German men and one German woman.
Two Greek men and one Greek woman.
Two British men and one British woman.
Two Bulgarian men and one Bulgarian woman.
Two Japanese men and one Japanese woman.
Two Chinese men and one Chinese woman.
Two Irish men and one Irish woman.
Two American men and one American woman.
One month later, on these absolutely stunning deserted islands in the middle of nowhere, the following things have
occurred:
One Italian man killed the other Italian man for the Italian woman.
The two French men and the French woman are living happily together in a ménage à trois.
The two German men have a strict weekly schedule of alternating visits with the German woman.
The two Greek men are sleeping together and the Greek woman is cooking and cleaning for them.
The two British men are waiting for someone to introduce them to the British woman.
The two Bulgarian men took one look at the Bulgarian woman and started swimming to another island.
The two Japanese have faxed Tokyo and are awaiting instructions.
The two Chinese men have set up a pharmacy, liquor store, restaurant, and laundry, and have gotten the woman pregnant in order to supply more employees for their stores.
The two Irish men divided the island into north and south and set up a distillery. They do not remember if sex is in the picture because it gets somewhat foggy after a few pints of coconut whisky. However, they're satisfied because the British aren't having any fun.
The two American men are contemplating suicide, because the American woman will not shut up and complains relentlessly about her body, the true nature of feminism, what the sun is doing to her skin, how she can do anything they can do, the necessity of fulfillment, the equal division of household chores, how sand and palm trees make her look fat, how her last boyfriend respected her opinion and treated her nicer than they do, and how her relationship with her mother is the root cause of all her problems, and why didn't they bring a damn cell phone so they could call 911 and get them all rescued off this forsaken deserted island in the middle of freaking nowhere so she can get her nails done and go shopping.
Re: Need a laugh?
HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHOM TO MARRY? (written by kids)
You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming.
-- Alan, age 10
No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with.
-- Kristen, age 10
2. WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?
Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then.
-- Camille, age 10
3. HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?
You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids.
-- Derrick, age 8
4. WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?
Both don't want any more kids.
-- Lori, age 8
5. WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?
-Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough.
-- Lynnette, age 8 (isn't she a treasure)
-On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.
-- Martin, age 10
6. WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?
-When they're rich.
-- Pam, age 7
-The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that.
-- Curt, age 7
-The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do.
-- Howard, age 8
7. IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?
It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them.
-- Anita, age 9 (bless you child )
8. HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?
There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?
-- Kelvin, age 8
And the #1 Favorite is.......
9. HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?
Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a dump truck.
-- Ricky, age 10
You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming.
-- Alan, age 10
No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with.
-- Kristen, age 10
2. WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?
Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then.
-- Camille, age 10
3. HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?
You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids.
-- Derrick, age 8
4. WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?
Both don't want any more kids.
-- Lori, age 8
5. WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?
-Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough.
-- Lynnette, age 8 (isn't she a treasure)
-On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.
-- Martin, age 10
6. WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?
-When they're rich.
-- Pam, age 7
-The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that.
-- Curt, age 7
-The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do.
-- Howard, age 8
7. IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?
It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them.
-- Anita, age 9 (bless you child )
8. HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?
There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?
-- Kelvin, age 8
And the #1 Favorite is.......
9. HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?
Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a dump truck.
-- Ricky, age 10
Re: Need a laugh?
RETIRED and BORED HUSBAND
After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Target.
Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse. Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Target:
Dear Mrs. Harris,
Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Harris, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras:
1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.
2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in House wares to go off at 5-minute intervals.
3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.
4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in House wares. Get on it right away'. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money.
5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway
6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.
8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs were called.
9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.
10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.
11. October 3: Darted around the Store suspiciously while loudly humming the ' Mission Impossible' theme.
12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels on his chest.
13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, he yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'
14. October 22: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed 'OHNO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'
15. Took a box of condoms to the checkout clerk and asked where the fitting room was?
And last, but not least:
16. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, and then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.' One of the clerks passed out.
If you don't send this to 12 of your dearest friends, you will be depriving them of some good humor.
After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Target.
Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse. Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Target:
Dear Mrs. Harris,
Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Harris, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras:
1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.
2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in House wares to go off at 5-minute intervals.
3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.
4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in House wares. Get on it right away'. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money.
5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway
6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.
8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs were called.
9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.
10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.
11. October 3: Darted around the Store suspiciously while loudly humming the ' Mission Impossible' theme.
12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels on his chest.
13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, he yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'
14. October 22: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed 'OHNO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'
15. Took a box of condoms to the checkout clerk and asked where the fitting room was?
And last, but not least:
16. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, and then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.' One of the clerks passed out.
If you don't send this to 12 of your dearest friends, you will be depriving them of some good humor.
Re: Need a laugh?
RETIRED and BORED HUSBAND
After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Target.
Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse. Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Target:
Dear Mrs. Harris,
Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Harris, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras:
1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.
2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in House wares to go off at 5-minute intervals.
3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.
4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in House wares. Get on it right away'. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money.
5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway
6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.
8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs were called.
9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.
10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.
11. October 3: Darted around the Store suspiciously while loudly humming the ' Mission Impossible' theme.
12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels on his chest.
13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, he yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'
14. October 22: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed 'OHNO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'
15. Took a box of condoms to the checkout clerk and asked where the fitting room was?
And last, but not least:
16. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, and then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.' One of the clerks passed out.
If you don't send this to 12 of your dearest friends, you will be depriving them of some good humor.
After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Target.
Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse. Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Target:
Dear Mrs. Harris,
Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Harris, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras:
1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.
2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in House wares to go off at 5-minute intervals.
3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.
4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in House wares. Get on it right away'. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money.
5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway
6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.
8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs were called.
9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.
10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.
11. October 3: Darted around the Store suspiciously while loudly humming the ' Mission Impossible' theme.
12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels on his chest.
13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, he yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'
14. October 22: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed 'OHNO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'
15. Took a box of condoms to the checkout clerk and asked where the fitting room was?
And last, but not least:
16. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, and then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.' One of the clerks passed out.
If you don't send this to 12 of your dearest friends, you will be depriving them of some good humor.
Re: Need a laugh?
Owning A Canadian
On her radio show, Dr Laura Schlesinger (America's most popular
talk
show host) - said that, as an observant Orthodox Jew, homosexuality is
an
abomination according to Leviticus 18:22, and cannot be condoned under
any
circumstance.
The following response is an open letter to Dr. Laura and posted
on the Internet.
It's funny, as well as informative:
Dear Dr. Laura:
Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God's
Law. I have learned a great deal from your show, and try to share that
knowledge with as many people as I can. When someone tries to defend the
homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply remind them that Leviticus 18:22
clearly states it to be an abomination ... End of debate.
I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some other
elements of God's Laws and how to follow them.
1. Leviticus 25:44 states that I may possess slaves, both
male and female, provided they are from neighbouring nations.
A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not
Canadians.
Can you clarify? Why can't I own Canadians?
2. I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as
sanctioned in Exodus 21:7.
In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her?
3. I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while
she is in her period of Menstrual un-cleanliness - Lev.15: 19-24. The problem is how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offense.
4. When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it
creates a pleasing odour for the Lord - Lev.1:9.
The problem is my neighbours. They claim the odour is not
pleasing to them. Should I smite them?
5. I have a neighbour who insists on working on the Sabbath.
Exodus 35:2 clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself, or should I ask the police to do it?
6. A friend of mine feels that even though eating
shellfish is an abomination, Lev. 11:10, it is a lesser abomination than
homosexuality. I don't agree. Can you settle this? Are there 'degrees' of
abomination?
7. Lev. 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of
God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle-room here?
8. Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed,
including the hair around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden
by Lev. 19:27. How should they die?
9. I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a
dead pig makes me unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves?
10. My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev.19:19 by planting
two different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments
made of two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend). He also tends
to curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the
trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them? Lev.24:10-16.
Couldn't we just burn them to death at a private family affair,
like we do with people who sleep with their in-laws? (Lev. 20:14)
I know you have studied these things extensively and thus enjoy
considerable expertise in such matters, so I'm confident you can help.
Thank you again for reminding us that God's word is eternal and
unchanging.
Your adoring fan,
James M. Kauffman, Ed.D. Professor Emeritus,
Dept. Of Curriculum, Instruction, and Special Education
University of Virginia
P.S. It would be a damn shame if we couldn't own a Canadian.
On her radio show, Dr Laura Schlesinger (America's most popular
talk
show host) - said that, as an observant Orthodox Jew, homosexuality is
an
abomination according to Leviticus 18:22, and cannot be condoned under
any
circumstance.
The following response is an open letter to Dr. Laura and posted
on the Internet.
It's funny, as well as informative:
Dear Dr. Laura:
Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God's
Law. I have learned a great deal from your show, and try to share that
knowledge with as many people as I can. When someone tries to defend the
homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply remind them that Leviticus 18:22
clearly states it to be an abomination ... End of debate.
I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some other
elements of God's Laws and how to follow them.
1. Leviticus 25:44 states that I may possess slaves, both
male and female, provided they are from neighbouring nations.
A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not
Canadians.
Can you clarify? Why can't I own Canadians?
2. I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as
sanctioned in Exodus 21:7.
In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her?
3. I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while
she is in her period of Menstrual un-cleanliness - Lev.15: 19-24. The problem is how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offense.
4. When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it
creates a pleasing odour for the Lord - Lev.1:9.
The problem is my neighbours. They claim the odour is not
pleasing to them. Should I smite them?
5. I have a neighbour who insists on working on the Sabbath.
Exodus 35:2 clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself, or should I ask the police to do it?
6. A friend of mine feels that even though eating
shellfish is an abomination, Lev. 11:10, it is a lesser abomination than
homosexuality. I don't agree. Can you settle this? Are there 'degrees' of
abomination?
7. Lev. 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of
God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle-room here?
8. Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed,
including the hair around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden
by Lev. 19:27. How should they die?
9. I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a
dead pig makes me unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves?
10. My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev.19:19 by planting
two different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments
made of two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend). He also tends
to curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the
trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them? Lev.24:10-16.
Couldn't we just burn them to death at a private family affair,
like we do with people who sleep with their in-laws? (Lev. 20:14)
I know you have studied these things extensively and thus enjoy
considerable expertise in such matters, so I'm confident you can help.
Thank you again for reminding us that God's word is eternal and
unchanging.
Your adoring fan,
James M. Kauffman, Ed.D. Professor Emeritus,
Dept. Of Curriculum, Instruction, and Special Education
University of Virginia
P.S. It would be a damn shame if we couldn't own a Canadian.
Re: Need a laugh?
A Greek and Italian were arguing over who had the superior culture.
The Greek says, "We have the Parthenon."
Arching his eyebrows, the Italian replies, "We have the Coliseum."
The Greek retorts, "We Greeks gave birth to advanced mathematics"
The Italian, nodding agreement, says, "But we built the Roman Empire."
And so on and so on until the Greek comes up with what he thinks will end the discussion. With a flourish of finality he says, "We invented sex!"
The Italian replies, "That is true, but it was the Italians who introduced it to women."
The Greek says, "We have the Parthenon."
Arching his eyebrows, the Italian replies, "We have the Coliseum."
The Greek retorts, "We Greeks gave birth to advanced mathematics"
The Italian, nodding agreement, says, "But we built the Roman Empire."
And so on and so on until the Greek comes up with what he thinks will end the discussion. With a flourish of finality he says, "We invented sex!"
The Italian replies, "That is true, but it was the Italians who introduced it to women."