usvi-on-line
Need a laugh?
WHY ITALIANS CAN'T BE PARAMEDICS
Vinny and Joey are out in the woods hunting when suddenly, Joey grabs his chest and falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing; his eyes are rolled back in his head.
Vinny whips out his cell phone and calls 911.. He gasps to the operator, "I think Joey is dead! What should I do?"
The operator, in a calm soothing voice says, "Just take it easy and follow my instructions. First, let's make sure he's dead."
There is a silence .. and then a shot is heard.
Vinny's voice comes back on the line, "Okay.. . now what ?
Vinny and Joey are out in the woods hunting when suddenly, Joey grabs his chest and falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing; his eyes are rolled back in his head.
Vinny whips out his cell phone and calls 911.. He gasps to the operator, "I think Joey is dead! What should I do?"
The operator, in a calm soothing voice says, "Just take it easy and follow my instructions. First, let's make sure he's dead."
There is a silence .. and then a shot is heard.
Vinny's voice comes back on the line, "Okay.. . now what ?
Punographics
I changed my iPod's name to Titanic. It's syncing now.
When chemists die, they barium.
Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.
I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time.
How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.
I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.
This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.
I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down.
I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.
They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a Type-O.
Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.
We’re going on a class trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there's no pop quiz.
I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.
Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?
When you get a bladder infection urine trouble.
Broken pencils are pointless.
I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.
What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.
England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.
I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.
I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.
All the toilets in New York's police stations have been stolen. The police have nothing to go on.
I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.
Haunted French pancakes give me the crêpes.
Velcro — what a rip off!
A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy.
Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!
The earthquake in Washington obviously was the government's fault.
I changed my iPod's name to Titanic. It's syncing now.
When chemists die, they barium.
Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.
I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time.
How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.
I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.
This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.
I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down.
I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.
They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a Type-O.
Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.
We’re going on a class trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there's no pop quiz.
I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.
Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?
When you get a bladder infection urine trouble.
Broken pencils are pointless.
I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.
What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.
England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.
I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.
I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.
All the toilets in New York's police stations have been stolen. The police have nothing to go on.
I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.
Haunted French pancakes give me the crêpes.
Velcro — what a rip off!
A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy.
Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!
The earthquake in Washington obviously was the government's fault.
No Cell Phones in Church!
A pastor had this put together for their church in Burbank , California . HILARIOUS!!!!!!!
www.youtube.com/embed/D2_c81Nnsc0
A pastor had this put together for their church in Burbank , California . HILARIOUS!!!!!!!
www.youtube.com/embed/D2_c81Nnsc0
another one from the other side of the pond
Dave was staring sadly into his pint and sighed heavily.
“What’s up Dave” asked the bartender?
“It’s not like you to be so down in the mouth”
“It’s my four year old son…” the man replied.
“Don’t tell me, he’s in trouble for fighting in school? – my lad’s just the same – forget about it, it happens to boys that age” said the bartender, sympathetically.
“ I only wish it was that” continued the customer, “ but it’s far worse than that. The little bastard has got our gorgeous 18 year old next door neighbour pregnant.”
“Get away, that’s impossible!” gasped the bartender.
“It’s not” said the man…
“the little prick stuck a pin in all my condoms”
Dave was staring sadly into his pint and sighed heavily.
“What’s up Dave” asked the bartender?
“It’s not like you to be so down in the mouth”
“It’s my four year old son…” the man replied.
“Don’t tell me, he’s in trouble for fighting in school? – my lad’s just the same – forget about it, it happens to boys that age” said the bartender, sympathetically.
“ I only wish it was that” continued the customer, “ but it’s far worse than that. The little bastard has got our gorgeous 18 year old next door neighbour pregnant.”
“Get away, that’s impossible!” gasped the bartender.
“It’s not” said the man…
“the little prick stuck a pin in all my condoms”
View from Eiffel Tower
Take A Peek!
View from Eiffel Tower
http://www.gillesvidal.com/blogpano/paris.htm
Take A Peek!
View from Eiffel Tower
http://www.gillesvidal.com/blogpano/paris.htm
King Arthur and the Witch:
Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighbouring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him but was moved by Arthur's youth and ideals. So, the monarch offered him his freedom, as long as he could answer a very difficult question. Arthur would have a year to figure out the answer and, if after a year, he still had no answer, he would be put to death.
The question? .. What do women really want?
Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable man, and to young Arthur, it seemed an impossible query. But, since it was better than death, he accepted the monarch's proposition to have an answer by year's end.
He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everyone: the princess, the priests, the wise men and even the court jester. He spoke with everyone, but no one could give him a satisfactory answer.
Many people advised him to consult the old witch, for only she would have the answer. But the price would be high, as the witch was famous throughout the kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged.
The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no choice but to talk to the witch. She agreed to answer the question, but he would have to agree to her price first.
The old witch wanted to marry Sir Lancelot, the most noble of the Knights of the Round Table and Arthur's closest friend!
Young Arthur was horrified. She was hunchbacked and hideous, had only one tooth, smelled like sewage, made obscene noises, etc.
He had never encountered such a repugnant creature in all his life.
He refused to force his friend to marry her and endure such a terrible burden;
But Lancelot, learning of the proposal, spoke with Arthur.
He said nothing was too big of a sacrifice compared to Arthur's life and the preservation of the Round Table.
Hence, a wedding was proclaimed and the witch answered Arthur's question thus:
What a woman really wants, she answered .... is to be in charge of her own life.
Everyone in the kingdom instantly knew that the witch had uttered a great truth and that Arthur's life would be spared.
And so it was, the neighbouring monarch granted Arthur his freedom and Lancelot and the witch had a wonderful wedding.
The honeymoon hour approached and Lancelot, steeling himself for a horrific experience, entered the bedroom.
But, what a sight awaited him!! The most beautiful woman he had ever seen lay before him on the bed. The astounded Lancelot asked what had happened.
The beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her when she appeared as a witch, she would, henceforth, be her horrible deformed self only half the time and the beautiful maiden the other half.
Which would he prefer? Beautiful during the day ... or night?
Lancelot pondered the predicament.
During the day, a beautiful woman to show off to his friends, but at night, in the privacy of his castle, an old witch? Or, would he prefer having a hideous witch during the day, but by night, a beautiful woman for him to enjoy wondrous intimate moments?
What would YOU do?
What Lancelot chose is below.
BUT ... make YOUR choice before you scroll down below.
OKAY?
Noble Sir Lancelot said that he would allow HER to make the choice herself.
Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the time because he had respected her enough to let her be in charge of her own life.
Now ... what is the moral to this story?
The moral is.....
If you don't let a woman have her own way....
Things are going to get ugly!!
Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighbouring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him but was moved by Arthur's youth and ideals. So, the monarch offered him his freedom, as long as he could answer a very difficult question. Arthur would have a year to figure out the answer and, if after a year, he still had no answer, he would be put to death.
The question? .. What do women really want?
Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable man, and to young Arthur, it seemed an impossible query. But, since it was better than death, he accepted the monarch's proposition to have an answer by year's end.
He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everyone: the princess, the priests, the wise men and even the court jester. He spoke with everyone, but no one could give him a satisfactory answer.
Many people advised him to consult the old witch, for only she would have the answer. But the price would be high, as the witch was famous throughout the kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged.
The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no choice but to talk to the witch. She agreed to answer the question, but he would have to agree to her price first.
The old witch wanted to marry Sir Lancelot, the most noble of the Knights of the Round Table and Arthur's closest friend!
Young Arthur was horrified. She was hunchbacked and hideous, had only one tooth, smelled like sewage, made obscene noises, etc.
He had never encountered such a repugnant creature in all his life.
He refused to force his friend to marry her and endure such a terrible burden;
But Lancelot, learning of the proposal, spoke with Arthur.
He said nothing was too big of a sacrifice compared to Arthur's life and the preservation of the Round Table.
Hence, a wedding was proclaimed and the witch answered Arthur's question thus:
What a woman really wants, she answered .... is to be in charge of her own life.
Everyone in the kingdom instantly knew that the witch had uttered a great truth and that Arthur's life would be spared.
And so it was, the neighbouring monarch granted Arthur his freedom and Lancelot and the witch had a wonderful wedding.
The honeymoon hour approached and Lancelot, steeling himself for a horrific experience, entered the bedroom.
But, what a sight awaited him!! The most beautiful woman he had ever seen lay before him on the bed. The astounded Lancelot asked what had happened.
The beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her when she appeared as a witch, she would, henceforth, be her horrible deformed self only half the time and the beautiful maiden the other half.
Which would he prefer? Beautiful during the day ... or night?
Lancelot pondered the predicament.
During the day, a beautiful woman to show off to his friends, but at night, in the privacy of his castle, an old witch? Or, would he prefer having a hideous witch during the day, but by night, a beautiful woman for him to enjoy wondrous intimate moments?
What would YOU do?
What Lancelot chose is below.
BUT ... make YOUR choice before you scroll down below.
OKAY?
Noble Sir Lancelot said that he would allow HER to make the choice herself.
Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the time because he had respected her enough to let her be in charge of her own life.
Now ... what is the moral to this story?
The moral is.....
If you don't let a woman have her own way....
Things are going to get ugly!!
With all the negative things going on, I thought I would send something non-political to ponder.
If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in Delta Airlines two years ago, you will have $49.00 today!
If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in AIG two years ago, you will have $33.00 today.
If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in Lehman Brothers two years ago, you will have $0.00 today.
But, if you had purchased $1,000 worth of beer two years ago, drank all the beer, then turned in the aluminum cans for recycling refund, you will have received $214.00.
Based on the above, the best current investment plan is to drink heavily and then recycle. It is called the 401-Keg.
A recent study found that the average American walks about 900 miles a year. Another study found that Americans drink, on average, 22 gallons of alcohol a year. That means that, on average, Americans get about 41 miles to the gallon!
Doesn't that make one proud to be an American?
If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in Delta Airlines two years ago, you will have $49.00 today!
If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in AIG two years ago, you will have $33.00 today.
If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in Lehman Brothers two years ago, you will have $0.00 today.
But, if you had purchased $1,000 worth of beer two years ago, drank all the beer, then turned in the aluminum cans for recycling refund, you will have received $214.00.
Based on the above, the best current investment plan is to drink heavily and then recycle. It is called the 401-Keg.
A recent study found that the average American walks about 900 miles a year. Another study found that Americans drink, on average, 22 gallons of alcohol a year. That means that, on average, Americans get about 41 miles to the gallon!
Doesn't that make one proud to be an American?
It's time for the summer joke vacation. feel free to post your Gems
Why People Hate To Attend High School Reunions
Jan, Sue and Mary haven't seen each other since High School.
They rediscover each other via a reunion website and arrange to meet for
lunch in a wine bar.
Jan arrives first, wearing a beige Versace. She orders a bottle of Pinot
Grigio.
Sue arrives shortly afterward, in gray Chanel. After the required
ritualized kisses she joins Jan in a glass of wine.
Then Mary walks in, wearing a faded old tee-shirt, blue jeans and boots.
She too shares the wine.
Jan explains that after leaving high school and graduating from Princeton
in Classics, she met and married Timothy, with whom she has a beautiful
daughter. Timothy is a partner in one of New York 's leading law firms.
They live in a 4,000 sq ft co-op on Fifth Avenue , where Susanna, the
daughter, attends drama school. They have a second home in Phoenix .
Sue relates that she graduated from Harvard Med School and became a
surgeon. Her husband, Clive, is a leading Wall Street investment banker.
They live in Southampton on Long Island and have a second home in Naples ,
Florida .
Mary explains that she left school at 17 and ran off with her boyfriend,
Jim. They run a tropical bird park in Colorado and grow their own
vegetables. Jim can stand five parrots, side by side, on his penis.
Halfway down the third bottle of wine and several hours later, Jan blurts
out that her husband is really a cashier at Wal-Mart. They live in a small
apartment in Brooklyn and have a travel trailer parked at a nearby storage
facility.
Sue, chastened and encouraged by her old friend's honesty, explains that
she and Clive are both nurses' aides in a retirement home. They live in
Jersey City and take vacation camping trips to Alabama .
Mary admits that the fifth parrot has to stand on one leg.
The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent events in Syria
and have therefore raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved".
Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated"
or even "A Bit Cross." The English have not been "A Bit Cross"
since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out.
Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to "A Bloody Nuisance."
The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was in 1588,
when threatened by the Spanish Armada.
The Scots have raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's get the Bastards."
They don't have any other levels.
This is the reason they have been used on the front line
of the British army for the last 300 years.
The French government announced yesterday
that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide."
The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender."
The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France 's white flag factory,
effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.
Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly"
to "Elaborate Military Posturing."
Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."
The Germans have increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance"
to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs."
They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose."
Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual;
the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.
The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy.
These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms
so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy
Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be right."
Two more escalation levels remain:
"Crikey! I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend!"
and "The barbie is cancelled."
So far no situation has ever warranted use of the last final escalation level.
A final thought -
" Greece is collapsing,
the Iranians are getting aggressive,
and Rome is in disarray.
Welcome back to 430 BC".
and have therefore raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved".
Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated"
or even "A Bit Cross." The English have not been "A Bit Cross"
since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out.
Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to "A Bloody Nuisance."
The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was in 1588,
when threatened by the Spanish Armada.
The Scots have raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's get the Bastards."
They don't have any other levels.
This is the reason they have been used on the front line
of the British army for the last 300 years.
The French government announced yesterday
that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide."
The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender."
The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France 's white flag factory,
effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.
Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly"
to "Elaborate Military Posturing."
Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."
The Germans have increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance"
to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs."
They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose."
Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual;
the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.
The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy.
These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms
so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy
Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be right."
Two more escalation levels remain:
"Crikey! I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend!"
and "The barbie is cancelled."
So far no situation has ever warranted use of the last final escalation level.
A final thought -
" Greece is collapsing,
the Iranians are getting aggressive,
and Rome is in disarray.
Welcome back to 430 BC".
The difference between in-laws and outlaws?
Outlaws are wanted.
Alcohol is a perfect solvent:
It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
A fine is a tax for doing wrong.
A tax is a fine for doing well.
Archeologist: someone whose career lies in ruins.
An archaeologist is the best husband any woman can have:
The older she gets, the more interested he becomes in her.
There are two kinds of people who don't say
much:
those
who are quiet and those who talk a lot.
They say that alcohol kills slowly.
So what? Who's in a
hurry ?
Alcohol and calculus don't mix.
Never drink and derive
One nice thing about egotists:
They don't talk about other people.
There was a man who said,
"I never knew what happiness was until I got married...
and then it was too late
Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves.
After marriage, the 'Y' becomes silent.
Outlaws are wanted.
Alcohol is a perfect solvent:
It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
A fine is a tax for doing wrong.
A tax is a fine for doing well.
Archeologist: someone whose career lies in ruins.
An archaeologist is the best husband any woman can have:
The older she gets, the more interested he becomes in her.
There are two kinds of people who don't say
much:
those
who are quiet and those who talk a lot.
They say that alcohol kills slowly.
So what? Who's in a
hurry ?
Alcohol and calculus don't mix.
Never drink and derive
One nice thing about egotists:
They don't talk about other people.
There was a man who said,
"I never knew what happiness was until I got married...
and then it was too late
Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves.
After marriage, the 'Y' becomes silent.
in honor of Maine
Ten Dollahs
Stumpy Grinder and his wife Martha were from Portland, Maine. Every year they went to the Portland Fair, and every year Stumpy said " Ya know Mahtha, I'd like ta get a ride in that theah aihplane."
and every year Martha would say "I know Stumpy, but that ihplane ride costs ten dollahs.... and ten dollahs is ten dollahs."
So Stumpy says " By Jeebers Mahtha, I'm 71 yeahs old, if I don't go this time I may nevah go."
Martha replies " Stumpy, that there aihplane ride is ten dollahs...and ten dollahs is ten dollahs."
So the pilot overhears them and says " Folks, I'll make you a deal, I'll take you both up for a ride, if you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say ONE word, I won't charge you, but just one word and it's ten dollars."
They agree and up they go.... the pilot does all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word is heard, he does it one more time, still nothing... so he lands.
He turns to Stumpy as they come to a stop and says " By golly, I did everything I could think of to get you to holler out, but you didn't."
And Stumpy replies " Well, I was gonna say something when Mahtha fell out...but ten dollahs is ten dollahs!
Maine Winters
Some engineers from the U.S.G.S. surveyed some property and found that in a area, the New Hampshire and Maine border must be changed. They stopped to inform a farmer that he was no longer in Maine, but in New Hampshire.
After a long pause, he grunted and said, "That's good. I couldn't take another one of these Maine winters."
The Teethbrush
Research had been going on for many years in regard to the invention of the toothbrush. Researchers knew the purpose of the device but wanted to know and acknowledge the originating location. After a very long and exasperating study, the researchers came to their conclusion about the origin of the toothbrush. It was decided that the brush was invented in Maine.
Intrigued by the discovery, the media asked the researchers how they came to this conclusion.
The researchers all agreed that it was simple deduction: "If it was invented anywhere else, it would have been called a teethbrush."
Maine Temperature Conversion Chart
60 above zero
New Yorkers try to turn on the heat....
People in Maine plant gardens.
50 above zero
Californians shiver uncontrollably.......
People in Maine sunbathe.
40 above
Italian cars won't start.....
People in Maine drive with the windows down.
32 above
Distilled water freezes.....
Moosehead Lak's water gets thicker (for non-Mainers, this is a lake in Maine)
20 above
Floridians wear coats, gloves and woolly hats.....
People in Maine throw on a sweatshirt.
15 above
New York landlords finally turn up the heat....
People in Maine have the last cook-out before it gets cold.
zero degrees
People in Miami cease to exist....
Mainers lick the flagpole.
-20 below
Californians fly away to Mexico....
People in Maine get out their winter coats.
-40 below
Hollywood disintergrates.....
The girl scouts in Maine begin selling cookies door to door.
-60 below
Polar bears begin to evacuate Antarctica
Maine's Boy Scouts postpone "Winter Survival" classes until it gets cold enough.
-80 below
Mt. St. Helen's freezes...
People in Maine to ice skating or skiing.
-100 below
Santa Claus abandons the North Pole.....
Maine-iacs get frustrated when they can't thaw the keg.
-297 below
Microbial life survives on dairy products....
Cows in Maine complain of farmers with cold hands.
-460 below
ALL atomic motion stops.....
People in Maine start saying..."Cold 'nuff for ya?"
-500 below
Hell freezes over......
The New England Patriots win the Super Bowl!
Computer Terms for Aroostook County (Northern Maine)
1. Log on - Make the wood stove hotter
2. Log off - Don't add no more wood
3. Monitor - Keep an eye on that wood stove
4. Download - Getting the firewood off the truck
5. Floppy disk - What you get from downloading too much firewood
6. Ram - The thing that splits the firewood
7. Hard Drive - Getting home in the winter
8. Prompt - What the US mail ain't in the winter
9. Window - What to shut when its cold outside
10. Screen - What to shut in black fly season
11. Byte - What the black flies do
12. Bit - What the black flies did
13. Mega Byte - What the BIG black flies do during trout season
14. Chip - Munchies for TV
15. Micro Chip - What's left in the bag after you eat chips
16. Modem - What you did to the weeds growing in the driveway
17. Dot matrix - Old Dan Matrix's wife
18. Lap top - Where the beer spills when you nod off
19. Software - The dumb plastic knives and forks at McDonalds
20. Hardware - Real stainless steel cutlery
21. Mouse - What makes the holes in the Cheerio box
22. Main frame - What holds the house up, hopefully
23. Enter - The only way to win those magazine sweepstakes
24. Web - What a spider makes
25. Web site - High corners of the ceiling
26. Cursor - Someone who swears
27. Search Engine - What you do when the car dies
28. Screen Saver - repair kit for the torn window screen on the camp
29. Home Page - map you keep in your back pocket in case you get lost in the woods
30. Upgrade - Steep hill
31. Server - waitress
32. Mail Server - male waitress. Darn few in Maine
33. MS DOS - Some new disease they discovered
34. Sound Card - One of them technological birthday cards that plays music when you open it
35 User - The neighbor who keeps borrowing your stuff
6. Browser - A problem moose in the Garden or Blueberry patch
37. Network - Mending holes in the gillnet
38. Internet - Complicated fish net repair
39. Netscape - What haddock do when you don't do your network
40. Online - good sign there'll be clean clothes this week
41. Off line - the clothes pins let go and the laundry falls on the ground - better luck next week
Ten Dollahs
Stumpy Grinder and his wife Martha were from Portland, Maine. Every year they went to the Portland Fair, and every year Stumpy said " Ya know Mahtha, I'd like ta get a ride in that theah aihplane."
and every year Martha would say "I know Stumpy, but that ihplane ride costs ten dollahs.... and ten dollahs is ten dollahs."
So Stumpy says " By Jeebers Mahtha, I'm 71 yeahs old, if I don't go this time I may nevah go."
Martha replies " Stumpy, that there aihplane ride is ten dollahs...and ten dollahs is ten dollahs."
So the pilot overhears them and says " Folks, I'll make you a deal, I'll take you both up for a ride, if you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say ONE word, I won't charge you, but just one word and it's ten dollars."
They agree and up they go.... the pilot does all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word is heard, he does it one more time, still nothing... so he lands.
He turns to Stumpy as they come to a stop and says " By golly, I did everything I could think of to get you to holler out, but you didn't."
And Stumpy replies " Well, I was gonna say something when Mahtha fell out...but ten dollahs is ten dollahs!
Maine Winters
Some engineers from the U.S.G.S. surveyed some property and found that in a area, the New Hampshire and Maine border must be changed. They stopped to inform a farmer that he was no longer in Maine, but in New Hampshire.
After a long pause, he grunted and said, "That's good. I couldn't take another one of these Maine winters."
The Teethbrush
Research had been going on for many years in regard to the invention of the toothbrush. Researchers knew the purpose of the device but wanted to know and acknowledge the originating location. After a very long and exasperating study, the researchers came to their conclusion about the origin of the toothbrush. It was decided that the brush was invented in Maine.
Intrigued by the discovery, the media asked the researchers how they came to this conclusion.
The researchers all agreed that it was simple deduction: "If it was invented anywhere else, it would have been called a teethbrush."
Maine Temperature Conversion Chart
60 above zero
New Yorkers try to turn on the heat....
People in Maine plant gardens.
50 above zero
Californians shiver uncontrollably.......
People in Maine sunbathe.
40 above
Italian cars won't start.....
People in Maine drive with the windows down.
32 above
Distilled water freezes.....
Moosehead Lak's water gets thicker (for non-Mainers, this is a lake in Maine)
20 above
Floridians wear coats, gloves and woolly hats.....
People in Maine throw on a sweatshirt.
15 above
New York landlords finally turn up the heat....
People in Maine have the last cook-out before it gets cold.
zero degrees
People in Miami cease to exist....
Mainers lick the flagpole.
-20 below
Californians fly away to Mexico....
People in Maine get out their winter coats.
-40 below
Hollywood disintergrates.....
The girl scouts in Maine begin selling cookies door to door.
-60 below
Polar bears begin to evacuate Antarctica
Maine's Boy Scouts postpone "Winter Survival" classes until it gets cold enough.
-80 below
Mt. St. Helen's freezes...
People in Maine to ice skating or skiing.
-100 below
Santa Claus abandons the North Pole.....
Maine-iacs get frustrated when they can't thaw the keg.
-297 below
Microbial life survives on dairy products....
Cows in Maine complain of farmers with cold hands.
-460 below
ALL atomic motion stops.....
People in Maine start saying..."Cold 'nuff for ya?"
-500 below
Hell freezes over......
The New England Patriots win the Super Bowl!
Computer Terms for Aroostook County (Northern Maine)
1. Log on - Make the wood stove hotter
2. Log off - Don't add no more wood
3. Monitor - Keep an eye on that wood stove
4. Download - Getting the firewood off the truck
5. Floppy disk - What you get from downloading too much firewood
6. Ram - The thing that splits the firewood
7. Hard Drive - Getting home in the winter
8. Prompt - What the US mail ain't in the winter
9. Window - What to shut when its cold outside
10. Screen - What to shut in black fly season
11. Byte - What the black flies do
12. Bit - What the black flies did
13. Mega Byte - What the BIG black flies do during trout season
14. Chip - Munchies for TV
15. Micro Chip - What's left in the bag after you eat chips
16. Modem - What you did to the weeds growing in the driveway
17. Dot matrix - Old Dan Matrix's wife
18. Lap top - Where the beer spills when you nod off
19. Software - The dumb plastic knives and forks at McDonalds
20. Hardware - Real stainless steel cutlery
21. Mouse - What makes the holes in the Cheerio box
22. Main frame - What holds the house up, hopefully
23. Enter - The only way to win those magazine sweepstakes
24. Web - What a spider makes
25. Web site - High corners of the ceiling
26. Cursor - Someone who swears
27. Search Engine - What you do when the car dies
28. Screen Saver - repair kit for the torn window screen on the camp
29. Home Page - map you keep in your back pocket in case you get lost in the woods
30. Upgrade - Steep hill
31. Server - waitress
32. Mail Server - male waitress. Darn few in Maine
33. MS DOS - Some new disease they discovered
34. Sound Card - One of them technological birthday cards that plays music when you open it
35 User - The neighbor who keeps borrowing your stuff
6. Browser - A problem moose in the Garden or Blueberry patch
37. Network - Mending holes in the gillnet
38. Internet - Complicated fish net repair
39. Netscape - What haddock do when you don't do your network
40. Online - good sign there'll be clean clothes this week
41. Off line - the clothes pins let go and the laundry falls on the ground - better luck next week
Bonus back at work joke
You know you're in New Hampshire when
Your idea of a traffic jam is 10 cars waiting to pass a tractor on the highway.
Vacation means going up north to Pittsburg for the weekend. (haven't been there in years, but it's beautiful)
You measure distance in hours.
You know several people that have hit deer more than once.
You often switch from "heat" to "A/C" in the same day and back again.
You use a down comforter in the summer.
You drive at 65 mph through 2 feet of snow during a raging blizzard, without flinching.
You see people wearing hunting clothes at social events.
You install security lights on your house and garage and leave both unlocked.
You think of the major food groups as venison, beer, fish, and berries.
You carry jumper cables in your car and your girlfriend knows how to use them.
There are 7 empty cars running in the parking lot at Shaw's at any given time.
You design your kids Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit.
Driving is better in winter because all the potholes are filled with snow.
You know all four seasons: almost winter, winter, still winter, and road construction.
It takes you 3 hours to go to the store for one item even when you're in a hurry because you have to stop and talk to everyone in town.
You buy your Christmas presents at the feed and grain store.
You define summer as three months of bad sledding.
Snow tires come standard on all your cars.
You refer to the Patriots as "we".
You can identify a Massachusetts accent.
You know what cow-tipping is.
Down South to you means Boston.
You consider Manchester exotic.
You don't have a coughing fit from one sip of Ballantine Ale.
You can actually pronounce Kancamagus.
You know what a bubbler is.
Your neighbor throws a party to celebrate his new machine shed.
You go out for fish fry every Friday.
You can recognize someone from Massachusetts from their driving.
You drink soda and refer to your dad as "Pop".
You were unaware there is a legal drinking age.
You know where Contoocook is AND can pronounce it.
You can visit Berlin, New London, Bethlehem, Lisbon, Lebanon and Dublin all in one afternoon.
You only know three spices: salt, pepper, and ketchup.
You've seen mosquitos with landing lights.
The local paper covers major headlines on one page, but requires four pages for sports.
At least twice a year, your kitchen doubles as a meat processing plant.
Your snow blower gets stuck on the roof.
You think the start of deer season is a national holiday.
You find 0 degrees a little chilly.
You know you're in New Hampshire when
Your idea of a traffic jam is 10 cars waiting to pass a tractor on the highway.
Vacation means going up north to Pittsburg for the weekend. (haven't been there in years, but it's beautiful)
You measure distance in hours.
You know several people that have hit deer more than once.
You often switch from "heat" to "A/C" in the same day and back again.
You use a down comforter in the summer.
You drive at 65 mph through 2 feet of snow during a raging blizzard, without flinching.
You see people wearing hunting clothes at social events.
You install security lights on your house and garage and leave both unlocked.
You think of the major food groups as venison, beer, fish, and berries.
You carry jumper cables in your car and your girlfriend knows how to use them.
There are 7 empty cars running in the parking lot at Shaw's at any given time.
You design your kids Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit.
Driving is better in winter because all the potholes are filled with snow.
You know all four seasons: almost winter, winter, still winter, and road construction.
It takes you 3 hours to go to the store for one item even when you're in a hurry because you have to stop and talk to everyone in town.
You buy your Christmas presents at the feed and grain store.
You define summer as three months of bad sledding.
Snow tires come standard on all your cars.
You refer to the Patriots as "we".
You can identify a Massachusetts accent.
You know what cow-tipping is.
Down South to you means Boston.
You consider Manchester exotic.
You don't have a coughing fit from one sip of Ballantine Ale.
You can actually pronounce Kancamagus.
You know what a bubbler is.
Your neighbor throws a party to celebrate his new machine shed.
You go out for fish fry every Friday.
You can recognize someone from Massachusetts from their driving.
You drink soda and refer to your dad as "Pop".
You were unaware there is a legal drinking age.
You know where Contoocook is AND can pronounce it.
You can visit Berlin, New London, Bethlehem, Lisbon, Lebanon and Dublin all in one afternoon.
You only know three spices: salt, pepper, and ketchup.
You've seen mosquitos with landing lights.
The local paper covers major headlines on one page, but requires four pages for sports.
At least twice a year, your kitchen doubles as a meat processing plant.
Your snow blower gets stuck on the roof.
You think the start of deer season is a national holiday.
You find 0 degrees a little chilly.
-
Ron in South Texas
- Posts: 249
- Joined: Mon Aug 07, 2006 4:15 pm
- Location: Skidmore, Texas
You know you're from Texas when:
You can properly pronounce Corsicana, Decatur, Wichita Falls, Burnet, Gruene, Boerne, New Braunfels, Nacogdoches, Mexia, Waco, Amarillo, and Waxahachie.
You plan your Friday night after you go to the high school football game.
You listen to the weather forecast before picking out an outfit.
You know people who put ranch dressing on everything.
You have known someone who has had one belt buckle bigger than your fist.
You notice the best parking place is determined by shade instead of distance.
You discover that in July it takes only 2 fingers to drive your car.
You actually burn your hand opening the car door.
You find 70 degrees Fahrenheit a little chilly.
You know 4 seasons - Almost Summer, Summer, Still Summer and Christmas.
You discover that you can get a sunburn through your car window...
Fire ants consider your flesh as a picnic.
A carbonated soft drink isn’t a soda, cola, or pop .. it’s a Coke, regardless of brand or flavor.
You measure distance in minutes.
Your school classes were canceled because of inch of snow, and some ice.
You've ever had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" in the same day.
You know that no matter how hard you try to draw Texas it always comes out wrong.
You use "fix" as a verb. Example: I am fixin to go to the store.
You find 90 degrees F "a little warm."
You have had this conversation before...
"You wanna coke?"
"Yeah."
"What kind?"
"Dr. Pepper."
You get annoyed when people from the north give you crap for using ya'll, we all know your just jealous.
You can properly pronounce Corsicana, Decatur, Wichita Falls, Burnet, Gruene, Boerne, New Braunfels, Nacogdoches, Mexia, Waco, Amarillo, and Waxahachie.
You plan your Friday night after you go to the high school football game.
You listen to the weather forecast before picking out an outfit.
You know people who put ranch dressing on everything.
You have known someone who has had one belt buckle bigger than your fist.
You notice the best parking place is determined by shade instead of distance.
You discover that in July it takes only 2 fingers to drive your car.
You actually burn your hand opening the car door.
You find 70 degrees Fahrenheit a little chilly.
You know 4 seasons - Almost Summer, Summer, Still Summer and Christmas.
You discover that you can get a sunburn through your car window...
Fire ants consider your flesh as a picnic.
A carbonated soft drink isn’t a soda, cola, or pop .. it’s a Coke, regardless of brand or flavor.
You measure distance in minutes.
Your school classes were canceled because of inch of snow, and some ice.
You've ever had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" in the same day.
You know that no matter how hard you try to draw Texas it always comes out wrong.
You use "fix" as a verb. Example: I am fixin to go to the store.
You find 90 degrees F "a little warm."
You have had this conversation before...
"You wanna coke?"
"Yeah."
"What kind?"
"Dr. Pepper."
You get annoyed when people from the north give you crap for using ya'll, we all know your just jealous.
It's 5 O'Clock Somewhere!