Need a laugh?

shoemak38 · Post by **shoemak38** » Thu Feb 23, 2012 10:13 pm

Marcia (Mrs. Pete) wrote:Shoe,

I need a Wednesday pick-me-up funny. Got anything? I check here every single day, looking for your funnies and I'm in particular need this day.

Pleeeeeeeze?

Blond Joke

The Grandmother of all Blonde Jokes:

This blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired of all these
blonde jokes and how all blondes are perceived as stupid So, she
decides to show her husband that blondes really are smart.

While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is going to
paint a couple of rooms in the house. The next day, right after her
husband leaves for work, she gets down to the task at hand.

Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and smells the distinctive smell of
paint. He walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the
floor in a pool of sweat. He notices that she is wearing a heavy
parka and a leather jacket at the same time. He goes over and asks
her if she if OK. She replies yes. He asks what she is doing and she
replies that she wanted to prove to him that not all blonde women are
dumb, and she wanted to do it by painting the house..

He then asks her why she has a parka over her leather jacket. She
replies that she was reading the directions on the paint can and it
said...

(You'll love this...)

(I know you will...)

V
V
V
V
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V
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"FOR BEST RESULTS, PUT ON TWO COATS."

--

shoemak38 · Post by **shoemak38** » Wed Feb 29, 2012 7:08 pm

SENIOR DATING
Dorothy: ''That nice George Johnson asked me out for a date. I know you went out with him last week, and I wanted to talk with you about him before I give him my answer.''
Edna: ''Well, I'll tell you. He shows up at my apartment punctually at 7 P.M., dressed like such a gentleman
in a fine suit, and he brings me such beautiful flowers! Then he takes me downstairs, and what's there but
a luxury car...A limousine, uniformed chauffeur and all. Then he takes me out for dinner... A marvelous dinner...
Lobster,champagne, dessert, and after-dinner drinks.Then we go see a show. Let me tell you, Dorothy, I enjoyed
it so much I could have just died from pleasure!So then we are coming back to my apartment and he turns into
an ANIMAL. Completely crazy, he tears off my expensive new dress and has his way with me two times!''

Dorothy: ''Goodness gracious!... So are you telling me I shouldn't go out with him?''

Edna: ''No, no, no... I'm just saying, wear an old dress.''

shoemak38 · Post by **shoemak38** » Thu Mar 01, 2012 6:37 pm

"If you don't read the newspaper you are uninformed, if you do read the newspaper you are misinformed."
- Mark Twain

Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress.... But then I repeat myself.
-Mark Twain

I contend that for a nation to try to tax itself into prosperity is like a man standing in a bucket and trying to lift himself up by the handle.
-Winston Churchill

A government which robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul.
-George Bernard Shaw

A liberal is someone who feels a great debt to his fellow man .which debt he proposes to pay off with your money.
-G Gordon Liddy

Democracy must be something more than two wolves and a sheep voting on what to have for dinner.
-James Bovard, Civil Libertarian (1994)

Foreign aid might be defined as a transfer of money from poor people in rich countries to rich people in poor countries.
-Douglas Casey, Classmate of Bill Clinton at Georgetown University

Giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys.
-P.J. O'Rourke, Civil Libertarian

Government is the great fiction, through which everybody endeavors to live at the expense of everybody else.
-Frederic Bastiat, French Economist (1801-1850)

Government's view of the economy could be summed up in a few short phrases: If it moves, tax it. If it keeps moving, regulate it. And if it stops moving, subsidize it.
-Ronald Reagan (1986)

I don't make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts.
-Will Rogers

If you think health care is expensive now, wait until you see what it costs when it's free!
-P.J. O'Rourke

In general, the art of government consists of taking as much money as possible from one party of the citizens to give to the other.
-Voltaire (1764)

Just because you do not take an interest in politics doesn't mean politics won't take an interest in you!
-Pericles (430 B.C.)

No man's life, liberty, or property is safe while the legislature is in session.
-Mark Twain (1866)

Talk is cheap...except when Congress does it.
-Unknown

The government is like a baby's alimentary canal, with a happy appetite at one end and no responsibility at the other.
-Ronald Reagan

The inherent vice of capitalism is the unequal sharing of the blessings. The inherent blessing of socialism is the equal sharing of misery.
-Winston Churchill

The only difference between a tax man and a taxidermist is that the taxidermist leaves the skin.
-Mark Twain

The ultimate result of shielding men from the effects of folly is to fill the world with fools.
-Herbert Spencer, English Philosopher (1820-1903)

There is no distinctly Native American criminal class...save Congress.
-Mark Twain

What this country needs are more unemployed politicians.
-Edward Langley, Artist (1928 - 1995)

A government big enough to give you everything you want, is strong enough to take everything you have.
-Thomas Jefferson

shoemak38 · Post by **shoemak38** » Thu Mar 01, 2012 6:38 pm

Wonderful Yiddish Proverbs and other quotes

If the rich could hire other people
to die for them, the poor could make a
wonderful living. Yiddish Proverb

The wise man, even when he holds his tongue, says more than the
fool when he speaks. Yiddish Proverb

What you don't see with your eyes, don't invent with your mouth.
Yiddish proverb

A hero is someone who can keep his mouth shut when he is right.
Yiddish Proverb

One old friend is better than two new ones.
Yiddish Proverb

One of life's greatest mysteries is how the boy who wasn't good
enough to marry your daughter can be the father of the
smartest grandchild in the world. Jewish Proverb

Old friends, like old wines, don't lose their flavor.
Jewish Proverb

A wise man hears one word and understands two.
Yiddish Proverb

"Don't be so humble - you are not that great."
Golda Meir (1898-1978) to a visiting diplomat

Pessimism is a luxury that a Jew can never allow himself.
Golda Meir

Any intelligent fool can make things bigger and more complex. It
takes a touch of genius - and a lot of courage to move in the
opposite direction.
Albert Einstein

Life is like riding a bicycle. To keep your balance you must keep
moving. Albert Einstein

When his wife asked him to change clothes to meet the German
Ambassador, he said "If they want to see me, here I am. If they want
to see my clothes, open my closet and show them my suits." Albert
Einstein

Intellectuals solve problems; geniuses prevent them.
Albert Einstein

The hardest thing in the world to understand is income tax.
Albert Einstein

You can't control the wind, but you can adjust your sails.
Yiddish proverb

I don't want to become immortal through my work. I want to become
immortal through not dying
Woody Allen

I'm not afraid of dying - I just don't want to be there when it
happens!
Woody Allen

Imagination is more important than knowledge.
Sign hanging in Einstein's office at
Princeton.

Not everything that counts can be counted, and not everything that
can be counted counts Albert Einstein

We can't solve problems by using the same kind of thinking we used
when we created them Albert Einstein

Education is what remains after one has forgotten everything he
learned in school
Albert Einstein

Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm
not sure about the universe.
Albert Einstein

shoemak38 · Post by **shoemak38** » Thu Mar 01, 2012 6:39 pm

POLITICALLY CORRECT AMERICA

Due to the climate of political correctness now pervading America, Kentuckians, Tennesseans, and West Virginians will no longer be referred to as "HILLBILLIES." You must now refer to us as APPALACHIAN-AMERICANS.

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:

1. She is not a "BABE" or a "CHICK" --- She is a "BREASTED AMERICAN."

2. She is n ot a "SCREAMER", a WHINER or a "MOANER" --- She is "VOCALLY APPRECIATIVE."

3. She is not "EASY" --- She is "HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE."

4. She is not a "DUMB BLONDE" --- She is a "LIGHT-HAIRED DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY."

5. She has not "BEEN AROUND" --- She is a "PREVIOUSLY-ENJOYED COMPANION."

6. She is not an "AIRHEAD" --- She is "REALITY IMPAIRED."

7. She does not get "DRUNK" or "TIPSY" --- She gets "CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED"

8. She does not have "BRE AST IMPLANTS" --- She is "MEDICALLY ENHANCED."

9.. She does not "NAG" you --- She becomes "VERBALLY REPETITIVE."

10. She is not a "TRAMP" --- She is "SEXUALLY EXTROVERTED."

11. She does not have "MAJOR LEAGUE HOOTERS" --- She is "PECTORALLY SUPERIOR."

12. She is not a "TWO-BIT HOOKER" -- She is a "LOW COST PROVIDER."

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:

1. He does not have a "BEER GUT" --- He has developed a "LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY."

2. He is not a "BAD DANCER" --- He is "OVERLY CAUCASIAN."

3. He does not "GET LOST ALL THE TIME" --- He "INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS."

4. He is not "BALDING" --- He is in "FOLLICLE REGRESSION."

5. He is not a "CRADLE ROBBER" --- He prefers "GENERATIONAL DIFFERENTIAL RELATIONSHIPS."

6. He does not get "FALLING-DOWN DRUNK" --- He becomes "ACCIDENTALLY HORIZONTAL "

7 He does not act like a "TOTAL ASS" --- He develops a ca s e of RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION."

8. He is not a "MALE CHAUVINIST PIG" --- He has "SWINE EMPATHY."

9 He is not afraid of "COMMITMENT" --- He is "RELATIONSHIP CHALLENGED."

10. He is not "HORNY" - -- He is "SEXUALLY FOCUSED."

11. It's not his "CRACK" you see hanging out of his pants --- It's "REAR CLEAVAGE".

shoemak38 · Post by **shoemak38** » Wed Mar 07, 2012 8:26 pm

Three good friends married women from different parts of the world…

The 1st man married an Canadian girl.
He told her that she was to do the dishes and house cleaning.
It took a couple of days, but on the 3rd day he came home to see a clean house and the dishes washed and put away.

The 2nd man married a Kentucky girl.
He gave his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, the dishes and the cooking. The ...1st day he didn’t see any results, but the next day was better.
By the 3rd day he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done and put away and there was a huge dinner on the table.

The 3rd man married a girl from Michigan.
He ordered her to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed and hot meals on the table for every meal.
The 1st day he didn’t see anything the 2nd day he didn’t see anything either, but by the 3rd day some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye and his arm was healed enough that he could fix himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher.

shoemak38 · Post by **shoemak38** » Thu Mar 08, 2012 8:14 pm

COLONOSCOPY

After experiencing the discomfort and embarrassment
of a Colonoscopy in Seattle, I decided to have my next
one carried out while visiting friends in San Francisco,
where the beautiful nurses are allegedly much more
gentle and accommodating.

As I lay naked on my side on the table, the nurse
began the procedure.

"Don't worry, at this stage of the procedure it's
quite normal to get an erection." the nurse told me.

"I haven't got an erection," I replied.

"No, but I do," replied the nurse.

Moral: Don't ever have a Colonoscopy in San Francisco.

shoemak38 · Post by **shoemak38** » Thu Mar 08, 2012 8:15 pm

Was in a pub last night and saw two large girls by the bar.

They both had strange accents so I said "Hello Are you two girls from Scotland?"

One of them screamed "Its WALES you f***ing idiot!"

So I immediately apologized and said "Sorry, are you two whales from Scotland?

shoemak38 · Post by **shoemak38** » Thu Mar 08, 2012 8:18 pm

shoemak38 · Post by **shoemak38** » Thu Mar 08, 2012 8:19 pm

shoemak38 · Post by **shoemak38** » Thu Mar 08, 2012 8:20 pm

QUOTE OF THE YEAR:

"And then God created the orgasm, so that women can moan even when they are happy."

shoemak38 · Post by **shoemak38** » Thu Mar 08, 2012 8:21 pm

A guy stuck his head into a barbershop and asked, 'How long before I
can get a haircut?

The barber looked around the shop full of customers and said, 'About 2
hours.'
The guy left.

A few days later, the same guy stuck his head in the door and asked,
‘How long before I can get a haircut?'

The barber looked around at the shop and said, 'About 3 hours.'

The guy left.

A week later, the same guy stuck his head in the shop and asked, 'How
long before I can get a haircut?

The barber looked around the shop and said, 'About an hour and a half .

The guy left.

The barber turned to his friend and said, 'Hey, Bob, do me a favour ,
follow him and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he has to
wait for a haircut, but he never comes back.'

A little while later, Bob returned to the shop, laughing hysterically.

The barber asked, 'So, where does he go when he leaves?'

Bob looked up, wiped the tears from his eyes and said,

'Your house!'

shoemak38 · Post by **shoemak38** » Thu Mar 08, 2012 8:24 pm

shoemak38 · Post by **shoemak38** » Wed Mar 14, 2012 9:50 pm

STUDENT WHO OBTAINED ~0%~ ON AN EXAM
Q1. In which battle did Napoleon die?
A. his last battle
Q2. Where was the Declaration of Independence signed?
A. at the bottom of the page
Q3. River Ravi flows in which state?
A. liquid
Q4. What is the main reason for divorce?
A. marriage
Q5. What is the main reason for failure?
A. exams
Q6. What can you never eat for breakfast?
A. Lunch & dinner
Q7. What looks like half an apple?
A. The other half
Q8. If you throw a red stone into the blue sea what it will become?
A. It will simply become wet
Q9. How can a man go eight days without sleeping ?
A. No problem, he sleeps at night.
Q10.How can you lift an elephant with one hand?
A. You will never find an elephant that has only one hand..
Q11. If you had three apples and four oranges in one hand and four apples
and three oranges in other hand, what would you have ?
A. Very large hands
Q12. If it took eight men ten hours to build a wall, how long would it take
four men to build it?
A. No time at all, the wall is already built.
Q13. How can u drop a raw egg onto a concrete floor without cracking it?
A. Any way you want, concrete floors are very hard to crack.

shoemak38 · Post by **shoemak38** » Thu Mar 15, 2012 8:34 pm

usvi-on-line

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