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Need a laugh?
50,000 views I guess we need a stress test
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Last edited by shoemak38 on Thu Jan 26, 2012 9:15 pm, edited 1 time in total.
Gotta love the south
Alabama .
A group of Alabama friends went deer hunting and paired off in twos for the day. That night, one of the hunters returned alone, staggering under the weight of an eight-point buck.
"Where's Henry?" the others asked.
"Henry had a stroke o' some kind. He's a couple of miles back up the trail," the successful hunter replied .
"You left Henry layin' out there and carried the deer back?" they inquired.
"A tough call," nodded the hunter. "But I figured no one's gonna steal Henry!"
Georgia .
The owner of a golf course in Georgia was confused about paying an invoice,
so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help.
He called her into his office and said, "Y'all graduated from the University of Georgia and I need some help. If I wuz to give yew $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?"
The secretary thought a moment, and then replied, "Ever thang but my earrings."
Louisiana .
A senior citizen in Louisiana was overheard saying ... "When the end of the world comes, I hope to be in Louisiana ."
When asked why, he replied, "I'd rather be in Louisiana 'cause everythang happens in Louisiana 20 years later than in the rest of the world."
Mississippi .
The young man from Mississippi came running into the store and said to his buddy, "Bubba, somebody just stole your pickup truck from the parking lot!"
Bubba replied, "Did y'all see who it was?"
The young man answered, "I couldn't tell, but I got the license number."
North Carolina .
A man in North Carolina had a flat tire, pulled off on the side of the road, and proceeded to put a bouquet of flowers in front of the car and one behind it.
Then he got back in the car to wait.
A passerby studied the scene as he drove by, and was so curious he turned around and went back.
He asked the fellow what the problem was.
The man replied, "I got a flat tahr."
The passerby asked, "But what's with the flowers?"
The man responded, "When you break down they tell you to put flares in the front and flares in the back. I never did understand it neither."
Tennessee .
A Tennessee State trooper pulled over a pickup on I-65. The trooper asked, "Got any ID?"
The driver replied, "Bout whut?"
Texas .
The Sheriff pulled up next to the guy unloading garbage out of his pick-up into the ditch.
The Sheriff asked, "Why are you dumping garbage in the ditch?
Don't you see that sign right over your head."
"Yep," he replied. "That's why I'm dumpin' it here, 'cause it says: 'Fine For Dumping Garbage.' "
***
Y'all kin say whut y'all want 'about the South, but y'all never heard o' nobody retirin' an' movin' North.
Alabama .
A group of Alabama friends went deer hunting and paired off in twos for the day. That night, one of the hunters returned alone, staggering under the weight of an eight-point buck.
"Where's Henry?" the others asked.
"Henry had a stroke o' some kind. He's a couple of miles back up the trail," the successful hunter replied .
"You left Henry layin' out there and carried the deer back?" they inquired.
"A tough call," nodded the hunter. "But I figured no one's gonna steal Henry!"
Georgia .
The owner of a golf course in Georgia was confused about paying an invoice,
so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help.
He called her into his office and said, "Y'all graduated from the University of Georgia and I need some help. If I wuz to give yew $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?"
The secretary thought a moment, and then replied, "Ever thang but my earrings."
Louisiana .
A senior citizen in Louisiana was overheard saying ... "When the end of the world comes, I hope to be in Louisiana ."
When asked why, he replied, "I'd rather be in Louisiana 'cause everythang happens in Louisiana 20 years later than in the rest of the world."
Mississippi .
The young man from Mississippi came running into the store and said to his buddy, "Bubba, somebody just stole your pickup truck from the parking lot!"
Bubba replied, "Did y'all see who it was?"
The young man answered, "I couldn't tell, but I got the license number."
North Carolina .
A man in North Carolina had a flat tire, pulled off on the side of the road, and proceeded to put a bouquet of flowers in front of the car and one behind it.
Then he got back in the car to wait.
A passerby studied the scene as he drove by, and was so curious he turned around and went back.
He asked the fellow what the problem was.
The man replied, "I got a flat tahr."
The passerby asked, "But what's with the flowers?"
The man responded, "When you break down they tell you to put flares in the front and flares in the back. I never did understand it neither."
Tennessee .
A Tennessee State trooper pulled over a pickup on I-65. The trooper asked, "Got any ID?"
The driver replied, "Bout whut?"
Texas .
The Sheriff pulled up next to the guy unloading garbage out of his pick-up into the ditch.
The Sheriff asked, "Why are you dumping garbage in the ditch?
Don't you see that sign right over your head."
"Yep," he replied. "That's why I'm dumpin' it here, 'cause it says: 'Fine For Dumping Garbage.' "
***
Y'all kin say whut y'all want 'about the South, but y'all never heard o' nobody retirin' an' movin' North.
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Thinking
It started out innocently enough. I began to think at parties now and then -- just to loosen up and be a part of the crowd.
Inevitably, though, one thought led to another, and soon I was more than just a social thinker.
I began to think alone -- "to relax," I told myself -- but I knew it wasn't true.
Thinking became more and more important to me, and finally I was thinking all the time.
That was when things began to sour at home.
One evening I turned off the TV and asked my wife about the meaning of life. She spent that night at her mother's.
I began to think on the job.
I knew that thinking and employment don't mix, but I couldn't help myself.
I began to avoid friends at lunchtime so I could read Thoreau, Muir, Confucius and Kafka.
I would return to the office dizzied and confused, asking, "What is it exactly we are doing here?"
One day the boss called me in. He said, "Listen, I like you, and it hurts me to say this, but your thinking has become a real problem.
If you don't stop thinking on the job, you'll have to find another job."
This gave me a lot to think about.
I came home early after my conversation with the boss. "Honey," I confessed, "I've been thinking..."
"I know you've been thinking," she said, "and I want a divorce!" "But Honey, surely it's not that serious."
"It is serious," she said, lower lip a quiver.
"You think as much as college professors and college professors don't make any money!
So if you keep on thinking, we won't have any money!"
"That's a faulty syllogism," I said impatiently.
She exploded in tears of rage and frustration, but I was in no mood to deal with the emotional drama.
"I'm going to the library," I snarled as I stomped out the door.
I headed for the library, in the mood for some John Locke.
I roared into the parking lot with NPR on the radio and ran up to the big glass doors.
They didn't open. The library was closed.
To this day, I believe that a Higher Power was looking out for me that night.
Leaning on the unfeeling glass, whimpering for Emerson, a poster caught my eye; "Friend, is heavy thinking ruining your life?" it asked.
You probably recognize that line. It comes from the standard Thinkers Anonymous poster.
This is why I am what I am today: a recovering thinker.
I never miss a TA meeting.
At each meeting we watch a non-educational video; last week it was "Porky's."
Then we share experiences about how we avoided thinking since the last meeting.
I still have my job, and things are a lot better at home.
Life just seemed easier, somehow, as soon as I stopped thinking.
I think the road to recovery is nearly complete for me.
Today I took the final step...I joined the Republican Party.
fyi I'm Republican have to post jokes from all sides
It started out innocently enough. I began to think at parties now and then -- just to loosen up and be a part of the crowd.
Inevitably, though, one thought led to another, and soon I was more than just a social thinker.
I began to think alone -- "to relax," I told myself -- but I knew it wasn't true.
Thinking became more and more important to me, and finally I was thinking all the time.
That was when things began to sour at home.
One evening I turned off the TV and asked my wife about the meaning of life. She spent that night at her mother's.
I began to think on the job.
I knew that thinking and employment don't mix, but I couldn't help myself.
I began to avoid friends at lunchtime so I could read Thoreau, Muir, Confucius and Kafka.
I would return to the office dizzied and confused, asking, "What is it exactly we are doing here?"
One day the boss called me in. He said, "Listen, I like you, and it hurts me to say this, but your thinking has become a real problem.
If you don't stop thinking on the job, you'll have to find another job."
This gave me a lot to think about.
I came home early after my conversation with the boss. "Honey," I confessed, "I've been thinking..."
"I know you've been thinking," she said, "and I want a divorce!" "But Honey, surely it's not that serious."
"It is serious," she said, lower lip a quiver.
"You think as much as college professors and college professors don't make any money!
So if you keep on thinking, we won't have any money!"
"That's a faulty syllogism," I said impatiently.
She exploded in tears of rage and frustration, but I was in no mood to deal with the emotional drama.
"I'm going to the library," I snarled as I stomped out the door.
I headed for the library, in the mood for some John Locke.
I roared into the parking lot with NPR on the radio and ran up to the big glass doors.
They didn't open. The library was closed.
To this day, I believe that a Higher Power was looking out for me that night.
Leaning on the unfeeling glass, whimpering for Emerson, a poster caught my eye; "Friend, is heavy thinking ruining your life?" it asked.
You probably recognize that line. It comes from the standard Thinkers Anonymous poster.
This is why I am what I am today: a recovering thinker.
I never miss a TA meeting.
At each meeting we watch a non-educational video; last week it was "Porky's."
Then we share experiences about how we avoided thinking since the last meeting.
I still have my job, and things are a lot better at home.
Life just seemed easier, somehow, as soon as I stopped thinking.
I think the road to recovery is nearly complete for me.
Today I took the final step...I joined the Republican Party.
fyi I'm Republican have to post jokes from all sides
The Old Golfer....
Your "dirty" laugh for the day.
An old golfer comes in from a round of golf at a new
course and heads into the grill room.
As he passes through the swinging doors he
sees a sign hanging over the bar:
COLD BEER: $2.00
HAMBURGER: $2.25
CHEESEBURGER: $2.50
CHICKEN SANDWICH : $3.50
HAND JOB: $50.00
Checking his wallet to be sure he has the necessary payment,
the old golfer walks up to the bar and beckons to
the exceptionally attractive female bartender who is
serving drinks to a couple of sun-wrinkled golfers.
She glides down behind the bar to the old golfer.
"Yes?" she inquires with a wide, knowing smile,
"May I help you?"
The old golfer leans over the bar and whispers,
"I was wondering, young lady," he whispers,
"are you the one who gives the hand-jobs?"
She looks into his eyes with that wide smile and purrs:
"Yes Sir , I sure am."
The old golfer leans closer and into her left ear and says softly,
"Well, wash your hands real good because
I want a cheeseburger."
Your "dirty" laugh for the day.
An old golfer comes in from a round of golf at a new
course and heads into the grill room.
As he passes through the swinging doors he
sees a sign hanging over the bar:
COLD BEER: $2.00
HAMBURGER: $2.25
CHEESEBURGER: $2.50
CHICKEN SANDWICH : $3.50
HAND JOB: $50.00
Checking his wallet to be sure he has the necessary payment,
the old golfer walks up to the bar and beckons to
the exceptionally attractive female bartender who is
serving drinks to a couple of sun-wrinkled golfers.
She glides down behind the bar to the old golfer.
"Yes?" she inquires with a wide, knowing smile,
"May I help you?"
The old golfer leans over the bar and whispers,
"I was wondering, young lady," he whispers,
"are you the one who gives the hand-jobs?"
She looks into his eyes with that wide smile and purrs:
"Yes Sir , I sure am."
The old golfer leans closer and into her left ear and says softly,
"Well, wash your hands real good because
I want a cheeseburger."
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Late Night Phone Call To The Vet
A dog lover, whose dog was a female and in heat, agreed to look after her neighbor's male dog while the neighbors were on vacation. She had a large house and believed that she could keep the two dogs apart. However, as she was drifting off to sleep she heard awful howling and moaning sounds, rushed downstairs and found the dogs locked together, in obvious pain and unable to disengage, as so frequently happens when dogs mate.
Unable to separate them, and perplexed as to what to do next, although it was late, she called the vet, who answered in a very grumpy voice. Having explained the problem to him, the vet said,
"Hang up the phone and place it down alongside the dogs. I will then call you back and the noise of the ringing will make the male lose his erection and he will be able to withdraw."
"Do you think that will work?" she asked.
"It just worked for me," he replied.
A dog lover, whose dog was a female and in heat, agreed to look after her neighbor's male dog while the neighbors were on vacation. She had a large house and believed that she could keep the two dogs apart. However, as she was drifting off to sleep she heard awful howling and moaning sounds, rushed downstairs and found the dogs locked together, in obvious pain and unable to disengage, as so frequently happens when dogs mate.
Unable to separate them, and perplexed as to what to do next, although it was late, she called the vet, who answered in a very grumpy voice. Having explained the problem to him, the vet said,
"Hang up the phone and place it down alongside the dogs. I will then call you back and the noise of the ringing will make the male lose his erection and he will be able to withdraw."
"Do you think that will work?" she asked.
"It just worked for me," he replied.
linne wrote:I'm cannot understand that you still are able to
find these funny jokes.
And the last sentences here really surprised me:
Today I took the final step...I joined the Republican Party.
fyi I'm Republican have to post jokes from all sides
linne
Hi Linne
I try to stay away of political jokes on this forum, because unfortunately here in the states the two sides have become very divided and no longer know how to laugh. I thought this joke was kind of funny in some respects. So I posted with a disclaimer that I'm Republican so yes I'm laughing at myself as I did not want to start a political battle in the joke section.
I hear your finally having winter over there allowing us to have a nice mild winter one after last year's record snow falls well is time for the Super Bowl. To put in perspective it's like having soccer World Cup all in one day
Hi again!
I like, when people can laugh of each other,despite which side they are on!
In Denmark we often "adopt" new tendencies from USA, and unfortunately it seems, as if the two sides here, the red bloc and the blue bloc also become more and more divided. Too few harmless jokes!
We have had a mild winter without any snow, totally different from the last two years, but now it's
ice-cold. I love a landscape covered with snow but not a cold, windy weather.
Hope Super Bowl will be entertaining for you. It's one of the few things the Europeans haven't adopted.
Linne
I like, when people can laugh of each other,despite which side they are on!
In Denmark we often "adopt" new tendencies from USA, and unfortunately it seems, as if the two sides here, the red bloc and the blue bloc also become more and more divided. Too few harmless jokes!
We have had a mild winter without any snow, totally different from the last two years, but now it's
ice-cold. I love a landscape covered with snow but not a cold, windy weather.
Hope Super Bowl will be entertaining for you. It's one of the few things the Europeans haven't adopted.
Linne
-
Ron in South Texas
- Posts: 249
- Joined: Mon Aug 07, 2006 4:15 pm
- Location: Skidmore, Texas
I am really concerned about my elderly parents who are living in Michigan... I just got off the phone with my father who is up north right now at his little cottage. He said that the snow is nearly waist high. The temperature is at minus 10 degrees and the snow is still dropping... The wind is increasing to near gale force. Even the plows are having a hard time getting around, some trees are down too. The roads are closed, and alerts are on all the TV and radio stations urging people to stay off the highway. He said my mom has done nothing but look through the window for hours on end, just staring. He says he's concerned that if it gets much worse, he may have to let her in.
It's 5 O'Clock Somewhere!
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Coming Thursday more Wallyworld
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Coming Thursday more Wallyworld
Teens have theirs, now seniors have their own
texting codes (LOL, OMG, e.g.).
* ATD - At the Doctor's
* BFF - Best Friends Funeral
* BTW - Bring the Wheelchair
* BYOT - Bring Your Own Teeth
* CBM - Covered by Medicare
* CUATSC - See You at the Senior
Center
* DWI - Driving While Incontinent
* FWBB - Friend with Beta Blockers
* FWIW - Forgot Where I Was
* FYI - Found Your Insulin
* GGPBL - Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low
* GHA - Got Heartburn Again
* HGBM - Had Good Bowel Movement
* IMHO - Is My Hearing-Aid On?
* LMDO - Laughing My Dentures Out
* LOL - Living on Lipitor
* LWO - Lawrence
Welk's On
* OMMR - On My Massage Recliner
* OMSG - Oh My! Sorry, Gas
* ROFL..CGU - Rolling on the Floor Laughing...Can't get Up!
* TOT - Texting on Toilet
* TTYL - Talk to You Louder
* WAITT - Who Am I Talking To?
* WTP - Where're the Prunes
* WWNO - Walker Wheels Need Oil
texting codes (LOL, OMG, e.g.).
* ATD - At the Doctor's
* BFF - Best Friends Funeral
* BTW - Bring the Wheelchair
* BYOT - Bring Your Own Teeth
* CBM - Covered by Medicare
* CUATSC - See You at the Senior
Center
* DWI - Driving While Incontinent
* FWBB - Friend with Beta Blockers
* FWIW - Forgot Where I Was
* FYI - Found Your Insulin
* GGPBL - Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low
* GHA - Got Heartburn Again
* HGBM - Had Good Bowel Movement
* IMHO - Is My Hearing-Aid On?
* LMDO - Laughing My Dentures Out
* LOL - Living on Lipitor
* LWO - Lawrence
Welk's On
* OMMR - On My Massage Recliner
* OMSG - Oh My! Sorry, Gas
* ROFL..CGU - Rolling on the Floor Laughing...Can't get Up!
* TOT - Texting on Toilet
* TTYL - Talk to You Louder
* WAITT - Who Am I Talking To?
* WTP - Where're the Prunes
* WWNO - Walker Wheels Need Oil