Need a laugh?

shoemak38 · Post by **shoemak38** » Wed Sep 21, 2011 5:57 pm

shoemak38 · Post by **shoemak38** » Wed Sep 21, 2011 6:18 pm

Wooden Leg

A man and his wife, moved back home to Alabama from Ohio .... The
husband had a wooden leg, and to insure it back in Ohio it cost them
$2,000 per year!

When they arrived in Alabama, they went to an insurance agency to see
how much it would cost to insure his wooden leg.

The agent looked it up on the computer and said:'$39.' The husband was
shocked and asked why it was so cheap here in Alabama to insure it
because it cost him $2000 in Ohio !

The insurance agent turned his computer screen to the couple and said,
'Well, here it is on the screen, it says: Any wooden structure, with a
sprinkler system above it, is $39... You just have to know how to
describe it!'

Marcia (Mrs. Pete) · Post by **Marcia (Mrs. Pete)** » Wed Sep 21, 2011 6:46 pm

Just need to say, one more time: I love you Shoe. Just when I need a laugh, you are there.

shoemak38 · Post by **shoemak38** » Thu Sep 22, 2011 2:23 pm

Marcia (Mrs. Pete) wrote:Just need to say, one more time: I love you Shoe. Just when I need a laugh, you are there.

Thanks for the compliment. This fourm has gotten a lot more civil since Ruth got the idea to have us start posting jokes.
Every four years there is a sure way of knowing Summer's ending in New Hampshire.

The primary advertisements and campaigning has started here. We even have the vote for (fill in your name here) campaign posters sprouting up along our highways.

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shoemak38 · Post by **shoemak38** » Thu Sep 22, 2011 2:34 pm

Words to the wise From the World's Second Richest Man!

There was a one hour interview on CNBC with Warren Buffet, the second
richest man who has donated $31 billion to charity. Here are some very interesting aspects of his life:

1. He bought his first share at age 11 and he now regrets that he started too late!
2. He bought a small farm at age 14 with savings from delivering newspapers.
3. He still lives in the same small 3-bedroom house in mid-town Omaha,
that he bought after he got married 50 years ago. He says that he has
everything he needs in that house. His house does not have a wall or a fence.
4. He drives his own car everywhere and does not have a driver or security people around him.
5. He never travels by private jet, although he owns the world's largest private jet company.
6.His company, Berkshire Hathaway, owns 63 companies.
He writes only one letter each year to the CEOs of these companies, giving them goals for the year. He never holds meetings or calls them on a regular basis.
He has given his CEO's only two rules:
Rule number 1: do not lose any of your share holder's money.
Rule number 2: Do not forget rule number 1.
7. He does not socialize with the high society crowd. His past time
after he gets home is to make himself some pop corn and watch Television.
8. Bill Gates, the world's richest man met him for the first time only
5 years ago. Bill Gates did not think he had anything in common with Warren Buffet. So he had scheduled his meeting only for half hour. But when Gates met him, the meeting lasted for ten hours and Bill Gates became a devotee of Warren Buffet.
9. Warren Buffet does not carry a cell phone, nor has a computer on his desk.

His advice to young people: "Stay away from credit cards and invest in yourself and Remember:
A. Money doesn't create man but it is the man who created money.
B. Live your life as simple as you are.
C. Don't do what others say, just listen to them, but do what you feel is good.
D. Don't go on brand name; just wear those things in which you feel is comfortable.
E. Don't waste your money on unnecessary things; just spend on what you really need .
F. After all it's your life then why give chance to others to rule your life."

AND, ONE OF THE COMPANIES HE (BERSHIRE HATHAWAY) OWNS IS FRUIT OF THE LOOM. BUFFET SAYS "WE COVER THE ASSES OF THE MASSES".

shoemak38 · Post by **shoemak38** » Thu Sep 22, 2011 2:36 pm

BOB & THE BLONDE: Bob walked into a sports bar around 9:58 PM.
He sat down next to a blonde at the bar
and stared up at the TV.The 10 PM news was coming on.
The news crew was covering the story
Of a man on the ledge of a large building
Preparing to jump.

The blonde looked at Bob and said,
"Do you think he'll jump?"Bob said,
"You know, I bet he'll jump."The blonde replied,
"Well, I bet he won't."Bob placed a $20 bill on the bar and said,
"You're on!" Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar,
The guy on the ledge
Did a swan dive off the building,
Falling to his death.The blonde was very upset,
But willingly handed her $20 to Bob.
"Fair's fair. Here's your money." Bob replied,
"I can't take your money.
I saw this earlier on the 5 PM news,
So I knew he would jump."The blonde replied,
"I did, too,
But I didn't think he'd do it again."Bob took the money.

shoemak38 · Post by **shoemak38** » Thu Sep 22, 2011 3:42 pm

shoemak38 · Post by **shoemak38** » Thu Sep 22, 2011 3:50 pm

shoemak38 · Post by **shoemak38** » Thu Sep 22, 2011 3:52 pm

Is there sex in Heaven?

A couple made a deal that whoever died first
Would come back and inform the other if there is sex after death.

Their biggest fear was that there was no after-life at all.

After a long life together, the husband was the first to die.

True to his word, he made the first contact:
"Judy............Judy"

"Is that you, George?"

"Yes, I've come back like we agreed."

"That's wonderful! What's it like?"

"Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex. I have breakfast and then it's off to the golf course.
I have sex again, bathe in the warm sun and then have sex a couple of more times.
Then I have lunch (you'd be proud - lots of greens). Another romp around the golf course, then pretty much have sex the rest of the afternoon.

After supper, it's back to golf course again.

Then it's more sex until late at night. I catch some much-needed sleep and then the next day it starts all over again"

"Oh, George...are you in Heaven?"

"No...........I'm a rabbit in Kansas .."

linne · Post by **linne** » Tue Sep 27, 2011 6:22 pm

Linne - laughing

shoemak38 · Post by **shoemak38** » Tue Sep 27, 2011 10:34 pm

thanks all I think we need a joke today

Health and Safety Test:

I failed a Health and Safety course at work today.

One of the questions was: "In the event of a fire, what steps would you take?"

"F**kin' big ones" was apparently the wrong answer.

Super Doggy Diet

I have a Golden Retriever & I was buying a large bag of Purina at Costco and was in line to check out.

A woman behind me asked if I had a dog. On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting the Purina Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry & that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.

I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a guy who was behind her.

Horrified, she asked if I'd ended up in the hospital in that condition because I had been poisoned. I told her no; it was because I'd been sitting in the street licking my balls and a car hit me.

I thought one guy was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard as he staggered out the door.

shoemak38 · Post by **shoemak38** » Wed Sep 28, 2011 5:43 pm

shoemak38 · Post by **shoemak38** » Thu Sep 29, 2011 1:44 pm

Choosing a Wife

A man wanted to get married. He was having trouble choosing among three likely candidates. He gives each woman a present of $5,000 and watches to see what they do with the money.

The first does a total makeover. She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets her hair done, new makeup, buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much.

The man was impressed.

The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much.

Again, the man is impressed.

The third invests the money in the stock market She earns several times the $5,000. She gives him back his $5,000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much.

Obviously, the man was impressed.

The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money he'd given her.

Then he married the one with the biggest boobs.

And on another note

There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

shoemak38 · Post by **shoemak38** » Thu Sep 29, 2011 1:47 pm

Alzheimer’s Self Test...from WEB-MD
If you are over 45 yrs old, you MUST take this Alzheimer's Test

How fast can you guess these words and fill-in the blanks?
1. _ _NDOM

2. F_ _K

3. P_N_S

4. PU_S_

5. S_X

6. BOO_S

| | | | | | | | | |
Answers:

1. RANDOM

2. FORK

3. PANTS

4. PULSE

5. SIX

6. BOOKS

You got all 6 wrong....didn't you?

You do NOT have Alzheimer's

You are a Pervert!!

shoemak38 · Post by **shoemak38** » Thu Sep 29, 2011 1:53 pm

Smarty Pants Test

Gotta be fast

When it says you only have "8 seconds" to answer each question,
They aren't kidding!
You'd better be quick!

This goes VERY FAST, so be prepared.
You only have 8 seconds for each question.

Click below.

NOT AS EASY AS YOU MAY THINK

http://www.flashbynight.com/test/

usvi-on-line

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