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waterguy · Post by **waterguy** » Wed Jul 27, 2011 8:43 am

THESE REALLY WORK!! I checked this out on Snopes and it's for real!

AMAZING SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES:

1. AVOID CUTTING YOURSELF WHEN SLICING VEGETABLES BY GETTING SOMEONE ELSE TO HOLD THE VEGETABLES WHILE YOU CHOP.

2. AVOID ARGUMENTS WITH THE FEMALES ABOUT LIFTING THE TOILET SEAT BY USING THE SINK.

3. FOR HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE SUFFERERS ~ SIMPLY CUT YOURSELF AND BLEED FOR A FEW MINUTES, THUS REDUCING THE PRESSURE ON YOUR VEINS. REMEMBER TO USE A TIMER.

4. A MOUSE TRAP PLACED ON TOP OF YOUR ALARM CLOCK WILL PREVENT YOU FROM ROLLING OVER AND GOING BACK TO SLEEP AFTER YOU HIT THE SNOOZE BUTTON.

5. IF YOU HAVE A BAD COUGH, TAKE A LARGE DOSE OF LAXATIVES. THEN YOU'LL BE AFRAID TO COUGH.

6. YOU ONLY NEED TWO TOOLS IN LIFE - WD-40 AND DUCT TAPE. IF IT DOESN'T MOVE AND SHOULD, USE THE WD-40. IF IT SHOULDN'T MOVE AND DOES, USE THE DUCT TAPE.

7. IF YOU CAN'T FIX IT WITH A HAMMER, YOU'VE GOT AN ELECTRICAL PROBLEM.

DAILY THOUGHT:

SOME PEOPLE ARE LIKE SLINKIES - NOT REALLY GOOD FOR ANYTHING BUT THEY BRING A SMILE TO YOUR FACE WHEN PUSHED DOWN THE STAIRS.

shoemak38 · Post by **shoemak38** » Fri Jul 29, 2011 9:28 am

A Male Fairy Tale:

Once upon a time, a Prince asked a beautiful Princess, “Will you marry me?” The Princess said, “No!!!” And the Prince lived happily ever after and rode motorcycles and dated skinny long-legged full-breasted women and hunted and fished and raced cars and went to naked bars and dated ladies half his age and drank whiskey, beer and Captain Morgan and never heard bitching and never paid child support or alimony and banged cheerleaders and kept his house and guns and ate spam and potato chips and beans and blew enormous farts and never got cheated on while he was at work and all his friends and family thought he was frikin cool as hell and he had tons of money in the bank and left the toilet seat up.
The end.

shoemak38 · Post by **shoemak38** » Fri Jul 29, 2011 9:30 am

EVE’S SIDE OF THE STORY

After three weeks in the Garden of Eden, God came to visit Eve. 'So, how is everything going ?' inquired God.

'It is all so beautiful, God,' she replied. 'The sunrises and sunsets are breathtaking, the smells, the sights, everything is wonderful, but I have just one problem..

It's these breasts you have given me. The middle one pushes the other two out and I am constantly knocking them with my arms, catching them on branches and snagging them on bushes. They're a real pain..'

And Eve went on to tell God that since many other parts of her body came in pairs, such as her limbs, eyes, ears, etc She felt that having only two breasts might leave her body more 'symmetrically balanced'..

'That's a fair point,' replied God, 'But it was my first shot at this, you know. I gave the animals six breasts, so I figured that you needed only half of those, but I see that you are right. I will fix it up right away.'

And God reached down, removed the middle breast and tossed it into the bushes

Three weeks passed and God once again visited Eve in the Garden of Eden.

' Well, Eve, how is my favorite creation ?'

'Just fantastic,' she replied, 'But for one oversight. You see, all the animals are paired off. The ewe has a ram and the cow has her bull. All the animals have a mate except me. I feel so alone..'

God thought for a moment and said, 'You know, Eve, you are right. How could I have overlooked this ? You do need a mate and I will immediately create a man from a part of you. Let's see....where did I put that useless boob ?'

Chet · Post by **Chet** » Tue Aug 02, 2011 11:50 am

There I was sitting at the bar staring at my drink when a large, trouble-making biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink and gulps it down in one swig.

"Well, whatcha' gonna do about it?", he says, menacingly, as I burst into tears.

"Come on, man," the biker says, "I didn't think you'd CRY. I can`t stand to see a man crying."

"This is the worst day of my life," I say. "I'm a complete failure. I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don't have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my wife with another man and then my dog bit me.

"So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all, I buy a drink, I drop a capsule in and sit here watching the poison dissolve; then you show up and drink the whole thing! But enough about me, how's your day going?"

shoemak38 · Post by **shoemak38** » Thu Aug 04, 2011 10:15 pm

For Post #500 we have

Top Ten Reasons Why Men Prefer Guns Over Women

And here we go...

#10 - You can trade an old 44 for a new 22.

#9 - You can keep one gun at home and have another for when you're on the road.

#8 - If you admire a friend's gun and tell him so, he will probably let you try it out a few times.

#7 - Your primary gun doesn't mind if you keep another gun for a backup.

#6 - Your gun will stay with you even if you run out of ammo.

#5 - A gun doesn't take up a lot of closet space.

#4 - Guns function normally every day of the month.

#3 - A gun doesn't ask , "Do these new grips make me look fat?"

#2 - A gun doesn't mind if you go to sleep after you use it.

And the Number One reason
Why Men Prefer Guns over women.....

#1 - You can buy a silencer for a gun

patr · Post by **patr** » Sun Aug 07, 2011 9:35 am

Two blondes were sipping their Starbucks when a truck went past loaded up with pallets of sod.

"I'm going to do that when I win the lottery," announced Blonde #1.

"Do what?" asked Blonde #2.

"Send my lawn out to be mowed."

patr · Post by **patr** » Sun Aug 07, 2011 9:38 am

An Irishman was terribly overweight, so his doctor put him on a diet.

'I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day,then eat regularly again for 2 days then skip a day ...... And repeat this procedure for 2 weeks.
The next time I see you, you should have lost at least 5 pounds.'

When the Irishman returned, he shocked the doctor by having lost
nearly 60 lbs!

'Why, that's amazing!' the doctor said, 'Did you follow my instructions?'

The Irishman nodded ...
'I'll tell you though, be jaesuz, I t'aut I were going to drop dead on dat 'tird day.'
'From the hunger, you mean?' asked the doctor.
'No, from the goddam skippin!'

waterguy · Post by **waterguy** » Mon Aug 08, 2011 4:03 pm

Chuckle for today!

Three Ladies in a Sauna

THREE WOMEN, TWO YOUNGER, AND ONE SENIOR CITIZEN, WERE SITTING NAKED IN A SAUNA.

SUDDENLY THERE WAS A BEEPINGSOUND. THE YOUNG WOMAN PRESSED HER FOREARM AND THE
BEEP STOPPED.

THE OTHERS LOOKED AT HER QUESTIONINGLY. "THAT WAS MY PAGER," SHE SAID. "I HAVE A MICROCHIP UNDER THE SKIN OF MY ARM."

A FEW MINUTES LATER, A PHONE RANG. THE SECOND YOUNG WOMAN LIFTED HER PALM TO HER EAR.

WHEN SHE FINISHED, SHE EXPLAINED, "THAT WAS MY MOBILE PHONE. I HAVE A MICROCHIP IN MY HAND."

THE OLDER WOMAN FELT VERY LOW-TECH. NOT TO BE OUT DONE, SHE DECIDED SHE HAD TO DO SOMETHING JUST AS IMPRESSIVE. SHE STEPPED OUT OF THE SAUNA AND WENT TO THE BATHROOM.

SHE RETURNED WITH A PIECE OF TOILET PAPER HANGING FROM HER REAR END.

THE OTHERS RAISED THEIR EYEBROWS AND STARED AT HER.

THE OLDER WOMAN FINALLY SAID.........."WELL, WILL YOU LOOK AT THAT......I'M GETTING A
FAX!!!"

waterguy · Post by **waterguy** » Wed Aug 10, 2011 3:03 pm

GOD CREATED CHILDREN (AND IN THE PROCESS GRANDCHILDREN)

To those of us who have children in our lives,
whether they are our own,
grandchildren,
nieces,
nephews,
or students...
here is something to make you chuckle.

Whenever your children are out of control,
you can take comfort from the thought that
even God's omnipotence did not extend
to His own children.

After creating heaven and earth,
God created Adam and Eve.

And the first thing he said was
' DON'T !'

'Don 't what ? '
Adam replied.

'Don't eat the forbidden fruit.'
God said.

'Forbidden fruit ?
We have forbidden fruit ?
Hey Eve..we have forbidden fruit ! '

' No Way ! '
'Yes way ! '

'Do NOT eat the fruit ! '
said God.

'Why ? '

'Because I am your Father and I said so ! '
God replied,
wondering why He hadn't stopped
creation after making the elephants

A few minutes later,
God saw His children having an apple break
and He was ticked !
'Didn't I tell you not to eat the fruit ? '
God asked.

'Uh huh,'
Adam replied.

'Then why did you ? '
said the Father.

'I don't know,'
said Eve.
'She started it! '
Adam said.

'Did not ! '
'Did too ! '
'DID NOT</U> ! '

Having had it with the two of them,
God's punishment was that Adam and Eve
should have children of their own.
Thus the pattern was set and it has never changed.

If you have persistently and lovingly tried to give children wisdom and they haven't taken it,
don't be hard on yourself.

If God had trouble raising children,
what makes you think it would be
a piece of cake for you ?

THINGS TO THINK ABOUT !

1. You spend the first two years of their life
teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend
the next sixteen telling them to sit down and shut up.

2. Grandchildren are God's reward
for not killing your own children.

3. Mothers of teens now know why
some animals eat their young.

4. Children seldom misquote you.
In fact,
they usually repeat word for word
what you shouldn't have said

5. The main purpose of holding children's parties
is to remind yourself that there are children
more awful than your own

6. We childproofed our homes,
but they are still getting in.

ADVICE FOR THE DAY:

Be nice to your kids.
They will choose your
nursing home one day

AND FINALLY:

IF YOU HAVE A LOT OF TENSION
AND YOU GET A HEADACHE,
DO WHAT IT SAYS
ON THE ASPIRIN BOTTLE:

'TAKE TWO ASPIRIN'
AND 'KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN '!!!!!

shoemak38 · Post by **shoemak38** » Wed Aug 10, 2011 9:15 pm

we are going for 30,000 views

shoemak38 · Post by **shoemak38** » Wed Aug 10, 2011 9:20 pm

shoemak38 · Post by **shoemak38** » Wed Aug 10, 2011 9:23 pm

shoemak38 · Post by **shoemak38** » Wed Aug 10, 2011 9:33 pm

shoemak38 · Post by **shoemak38** » Wed Aug 10, 2011 9:37 pm

<a href="http://content.screencast.com/users/sho ... .png"><img class="embeddedObject" src="http://content.screencast.com/users/sho ... .35.31.png" width="619" height="803" border="0"></a>

that should make 30,000 views

usvi-on-line

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