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shoemak38 · Post by **shoemak38** » Thu Jun 09, 2011 9:03 pm

I Bad I know but its funny

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shoemak38 · Post by **shoemak38** » Thu Jun 09, 2011 9:06 pm

shoemak38 · Post by **shoemak38** » Mon Jun 13, 2011 12:33 pm

9 Things That Will Disappear In Our Lifetime.......
Something to think about. Whether these changes are good or bad depends in
part on how we adapt to them. But, ready or not, here they come.

1. The Post Office:
Get ready to imagine a world without the post office.

They are so deeply in financial trouble that there is probably no way to

sustain it long term. e-mail, Fed Ex, and UPS have just about wiped out

the minimum revenue needed to keep the post office alive. Most of your

mail every day is junk mail and bills.

2. The Check:
Britain is already laying the groundwork to do away with

checks by 2018. It costs the financial system billions of dollars a year

to process checks. Plastic cards and online transactions will lead to

the eventual demise of the check. This plays right into the death of the

post office. If you never paid your bills by mail and never received

them by mail, the post office would absolutely go out of

business.

3. The Newspaper:
The younger generation simply doesn't read the newspaper.

They certainly don't subscribe to a daily delivered print edition. That

may go the way of the milkman and the laundry man. As for reading the

paper online, get ready to pay for it. The rise in mobile Internet

devices and e-readers has caused all the newspaper and magazine

publishers to form an alliance. They have met with Apple, Amazon, and

the major cell phone companies to develop a model for paid subscription

services.

4. The Book:
You say you will never give up the physical book that you hold

in your hand and turn the literal pages. I said the same thing about

downloading music from iTunes.

I wanted my hard copy CD. But I quickly changed my mind when I

discovered that I could get albums for half the price without ever

leaving home to get the latest music. The same thing will happen with

books. You can browse a bookstore online and even read a preview chapter

before you buy. And the price is less than half that of a real book. And

think of the convenience! Once you start flicking your fingers on the

screen instead of the book, you find that you are lost in the story,

can't wait to see what happens next, and you forget that you're holding

a gadget instead of a book.

5. The Land Line Telephone:
Unless you have a large family and make a lot of

local calls, you don't need it anymore. Most people keep it simply

because they've always had it. But you are paying double charges for

that extra service. All the cell phone companies will let you call

customers using the same cell provider for no charge against your

minutes.

6. Music:

This is one of the saddest parts of the change story. The music industry

is dying a slow death. Not just because of illegal downloading. It's the

lack of innovative new music being given a chance to get to the people

who would like to hear it. Greed and corruption is the problem. The

record labels and the radio conglomerates are simply self-destructing.

Over 40% of the music purchased today is "catalog items," meaning

traditional music that the public is familiar with. Older established

artists. This is also true on the live concert circuit. To explore this

fascinating and disturbing topic further, check out the book, "Appetite

for Self-Destruction" by Steve Knopper, and the video documentary,

"Before the Music Dies."

7. Television:

Revenues to the networks are down dramatically. Not just because of the

economy. People are watching TV and movies streamed from their

computers. And they're playing games and doing lots of other things that

take up the time that used to be spent watching TV. Prime time shows

have degenerated down to lower than the lowest common denominator. Cable

rates are skyrocketing and commercials run about every 4 minutes and 30

seconds. I say good riddance to most of it. It's time for the cable

companies to be put out of our misery. Let the people choose what they

want to watch online and through Netflix.

8. "Things" That You Own:
Many of the very possessions that we used to own are

still in our lives, but we may not actually own them in the future. They

may simply reside in "the cloud." Today your computer has a hard drive

and you store your pictures, music, movies, and documents. Your software

is on a CD or DVD, and you can always re-install it if need be. But all

of that is changing. Apple, Microsoft, and Google are all finishing up

their latest "cloud services." That means that when you turn on a

computer, the Internet will be built into the operating system. So,

Windows, Google, and the Mac OS will be tied straight into the Internet.

If you click an icon, it will open something in the Internet cloud. If

you save something, it will be saved to the cloud. And you may pay a

monthly subscription fee to the cloud provider. In this virtual world,

you can access your music or your books, or your whatever from any

laptop or handheld device. That's the good news. But, will you actually

own any of this "stuff" or will it all be able to disappear at any

moment in a big "Poof?" Will most of the things in our lives be

disposable and whimsical? It makes you want to run to the closet and

pull out that photo album, grab a book from the shelf, or open up a CD

case and pull out the insert.

9. Privacy:

If there ever was a concept that we can look back on nostalgically, it

would be privacy. That's gone. It's been gone for a long time anyway.

There are cameras on the street, in most of the buildings, and even

built into your computer and cell phone. But you can be sure that 24/7,

"They" know who you are and where you are, right down to the GPS

coordinates, and the Google Street View. If you buy something, your

habit is put into a zillion profiles, and your ads will change to

reflect those habits. And "They" will try to get you to buy something

else. Again and again.

All we will have that can't be changed are Memories.

shoemak38 · Post by **shoemak38** » Wed Jun 15, 2011 12:22 pm

shoemak38 · Post by **shoemak38** » Thu Jun 16, 2011 12:34 pm

shoemak38 · Post by **shoemak38** » Thu Jun 16, 2011 12:36 pm

For Lexophiles (Lovers of words)

1. A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired.
2. A will is a dead giveaway.
3. Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.
4. A backward poet writes inverse.
5. A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion.
6. When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
7. The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered.
8. You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
9. He broke into song because he couldn't find the key.
10. A calendar's days are numbered.
11. A boiled egg is hard to beat.
12. He had a photographic memory which was never developed.
13. The short fortuneteller who escaped from prison: a small medium at large.
14. Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
15. When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.
16. If you jump off a Paris bridge, you are in Seine ...
17. When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.
18. Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
19. Acupuncture: a jab well done.
20. Marathon runners with bad shoes suffer the agony of de feet.
21. The roundest knight at king Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.
22. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian ..
23. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.
24. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.
25. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.
26. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.
27. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
28. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.
29. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
30. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.
31. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.'
32. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said 'No change yet.'
33. The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

shoemak38 · Post by **shoemak38** » Thu Jun 16, 2011 12:37 pm

Little Known Factoids:

If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough
sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.
(Hardly seems worth it.)

If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to
create the energy of an atomic bomb.
(Now that's more like it!)

The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out of the body to squirt
blood 30 feet.
(O.M.G.!)

A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes.
(In my next life, I want to be a pig.)

A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death.
(Creepy.)

Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.
(Don't try this at home, maybe at work.)

The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body.
The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off.
(Honey, I'm home . What the...?)

The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the
length of a football field.
(30 minutes. Lucky pig! Can you imagine?)

The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.
(What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)

Some lions mate over 50 times a day.
(I still want to be a pig in my next life...quality over quantity.)

Butterflies taste with their feet.
(Something I always wanted to know.)

The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.
(Hmmmmmm.......)

Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people.
(If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)

Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump.
(Okay, so that would be a good thing.)

A cat's urine glows under a black light.
(I wonder how much the government paid to figure that out.)

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
(I know some people like that.)

Starfish have no brains.
(I know some people like that, too.)

Polar bears are left-handed.
(If they switch, they'll live a lot longer.)

Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.
(What about that pig? Do the dolphins know about the pig?)

shoemak38 · Post by **shoemak38** » Thu Jun 16, 2011 12:40 pm

shoemak38 · Post by **shoemak38** » Thu Jun 16, 2011 12:42 pm

Advice to an Old Guy...

An old guy (not in the best of shape) was working out in the gym when he spotted a sweet young thing. He asked the trainer who was nearby , "What machine in here should I use to impress that sweet thing over there?"
The trainer looked him up and down and said "I would try the ATM in the lobby".

shoemak38 · Post by **shoemak38** » Thu Jun 16, 2011 12:46 pm

shoemak38 · Post by **shoemak38** » Fri Jun 17, 2011 9:19 am

British to the bone.....

British understatement at its best
The train was quite crowded, and a U. S. Marine walked the entire
length looking for a seat, but the only seat left was taken by a well
dressed, middle-aged, French woman's female poodle.

The war-weary Marine asked, 'Ma'am, may I have that seat?'

The French woman just sniffed and said to no one in particular:
'Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat.'

The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat left was
under that dog..

'Please, ma'am. May I sit down? I'm very tired..'

She snorted, 'Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!'

This time the Marine didn't say a word; he just picked up the little
dog, tossed it out the train window, and sat down.

The woman shrieked, 'Someone must defend my honour!
This American should be put in his place!'

An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up, 'Sir, you Americans seem
to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing.
You hold the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your cars on the wrong
side of the road.
And now, sir, you seem to have thrown the wrong bitch out the window.'

shoemak38 · Post by **shoemak38** » Wed Jun 22, 2011 9:21 am

shoemak38 · Post by **shoemak38** » Thu Jun 23, 2011 12:23 pm

The Israelis and Arabs realized that, if they continued fighting, they would someday end up destroying the whole world. So they decided to settle their dispute with an ancient practice: a duel of two, like David and Goliath. This "duel" would be a dog fight.

The negotiators agreed each side would take 5 years to develop the best fighting dog they could. The dog that won the fight would earn its people the right to rule the disputed areas. The losing side would have to lay down its arms for good.

The Arabs found the biggest, meanest Dobermans and Rottweilers in the world. They bred them together and then crossed their offspring with the meanest Siberian wolves.

They selected only the biggest, strongest puppy of each litter, fed it the best food and killed all the other puppies. They used steroids and trainers in their quest for the perfect killing machine. After the 5 years were up, they had a dog that needed steel prison bars on its cage. Only expert trainers could handle this incredibly nasty and ferocious beast.

When the day of the big dog-fight finally arrived, the Israelis showed up with a very strange-looking animal, a Dachshund that was 10 feet long!

Everyone at the dogfight arena felt sorry for the Israelis. No one there seriously thought this weird, odd-looking animal stood any chance against the growling beast over in the Arab camp. All the bookies took one look and predicted that the Arab dog would win in less than a minute.

As the cages were opened, the Dachshund slowly waddled toward the center of the ring.

The Arab dog leaped from its cage and charged the giant wiener-dog.

As he got to within an inch of the Israeli dog, the Dachshund opened its jaws and swallowed the Arab beast whole in one bite. There was nothing left but a small puff of fur from the Arab killer dog's tail floating to the ground.

The stunned crowd of international observers, bookies and media personnel let out a collective gasp of disbelief and surprise.

The Arabs approached the Israelis, muttering and shaking their heads in disbelief. "We do not understand," said their leader, "Our top scientists and breeders worked for 5 long years with the meanest, biggest Dobermans, Rottweilers and Siberian wolves, and they developed an incredible killing machine of a dog!"

The Israelis replied. "Well, for 5 years, we have had a team of Jewish plastic surgeons from Boca Raton working to make an alligator look like a Dachshund."

shoemak38 · Post by **shoemak38** » Thu Jun 23, 2011 12:24 pm

shoemak38 · Post by **shoemak38** » Thu Jun 23, 2011 12:29 pm

usvi-on-line

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