Need a laugh?

shoemak38 · Post by **shoemak38** » Wed Apr 06, 2011 8:46 pm

Marcia (Mrs. Pete) wrote:I need a mid-week humor fix. Who's got one?

shoemak38 · Post by **shoemak38** » Thu Apr 07, 2011 9:14 pm

shoemak38 · Post by **shoemak38** » Thu Apr 07, 2011 9:17 pm

shoemak38 · Post by **shoemak38** » Thu Apr 07, 2011 9:21 pm

shoemak38 · Post by **shoemak38** » Thu Apr 07, 2011 9:22 pm

shoemak38 · Post by **shoemak38** » Thu Apr 07, 2011 9:24 pm

Marcia (Mrs. Pete) · Post by **Marcia (Mrs. Pete)** » Thu Apr 07, 2011 9:52 pm

shoemak38 wrote:<a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/27134057@N04/5599475196/" title="jokesapr by SHOEMAK38, on Flickr"><img src="http://farm6.static.flickr.com/5187/559 ... 0bbb_z.jpg" width="624" height="557" alt="jokesapr"></a>

THIS ONE WAS GREAT!!!

shoemak38 · Post by **shoemak38** » Thu Apr 14, 2011 8:02 pm

WITTICISMS

It’s not whether you win or lose,
but how you place the blame.

You are not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.

We have enough youth.
How about a fountain of "smart"?

The original point and click
interface was a Smith & Wesson.

A fool and his
money can throw
one heck of a party.

When blondes have more fun do they know it?

Five days a week my body is a temple.

The other two it's an amusement park.

LEARN FROM YOUR PARENTS' MISTAKES

USE BIRTH CONTROL

Money isn't everything, but it sure keeps the kids in touch.

Don't
Drink and Drive

You might hit a bump and spill something.

Reality is only an illusion
that occurs due to a lack of alcohol.

Time's fun when you're having flies.
......Kermit the Frog

We are born naked, wet and
hungry.

Then things get worse.

Red
meat is not bad for you

Fuzzy green meat is bad for you.

Ninety-nine percent of all
lawyers

give the rest a bad name..

< One good thing about Alzheimer's is

you get to meet new people every day.

Xerox and Wurlitzer will merge

to produce reproductive organs.

Alabama state
motto:
At least we're not Mississippi

ARTIFICIAL INTELLIGENCE IS NO MATCH FOR
NATURAL STUPIDITY.

The
latest survey shows that

three out of four people make

up 75% of the population

You know why a banana is like a
politician?
When he first comes in he is
green, then he turns yellow and then he's rotten.
I think Congressmen should wear uniforms
like NASCAR drivers so we could identify their corporate sponsors.

shoemak38 · Post by **shoemak38** » Thu Apr 14, 2011 8:04 pm

Different Levels of Stress:

You pick up a hitchhiker... a beautiful girl. Suddenly she faints inside your car and you take her to the emergency room.

Now that's stressful!

But at the hospital they say she is pregnant & congratulate you that you are going to be a father. You say that you are not the father, but the girl says you are.

This is getting very stressful!

So then... you request a DNA test to prove that you are not the father. After the tests are completed, the doctor says that you are infertile, and probably have been since birth.

You are extremely stressed but relieved.

On your way back home, you think about your own three kids.

NOW THAT'S STRESS!!!

shoemak38 · Post by **shoemak38** » Thu Apr 14, 2011 8:05 pm

shoemak38 · Post by **shoemak38** » Thu Apr 14, 2011 8:06 pm

shoemak38 · Post by **shoemak38** » Sat Apr 16, 2011 11:53 am

I would like to be the first to wish you a Happy Easter

http://www.terrisfp1.com/holidays/chick.html

shoemak38 · Post by **shoemak38** » Wed Apr 20, 2011 8:17 pm

Waterguy snow or

Summer in Texas

May 30th
Just moved to Texas. Now this is a state that knows how to live!!
Beautiful sunny days and warm balmy evenings. Mountains and deserts
blended together. What a place! Watched the sunset from a park lying on
a blanket. It was beautiful. I've finally found my home. I love it here.

June 14th
Really heating up. Got to 100 today. Not a problem. Live in an
air-conditioned home, drive an air-conditioned car. What a pleasure to
see the sun every day like this. I'm turning into a real sun worshipper.

June 30th
Had the backyard landscaped with western plants today. Lots of cactus
and rocks. What a breeze to maintain. No more mowing for me. Another
scorcher today, but I love it here.

July 10th
The temperature hasn't been below 100 all week. How do people get used
to this kind of heat? At least it's a dry heat. Getting used to it is
taking longer than I expected.

July 15th
Fell asleep by the pool. (Got 3rd degree burns over 60% of my body.)
Missed two days of work, what a dumb thing to do. I learned my lesson
though: got to respect the ol' sun in a climate
like this.

July 20th
I missed Tabby (our cat) sneaking into the car when I left this morning.
By the time I got out to the hot car for lunch, Tabby had swollen up to
the size of a shopping bag and exploded all over $2,000 worth of leather
upholstery. I told the kids she ran away. The car now smells like
Kibbles and sh*t. No more pets in this heat!

July 25th
Dry heat, my ass. Hot is hot!! The home air-conditioner is on the fritz
and AC repairman charged $200 just to drive by and tell me he needed to
order parts.

July 30th
Been sleeping outside by the pool for three nights now. $1,500 in d*mn
house payments and we can't even go inside. Why did I ever come here?

Aug 4th
115 degrees. Finally got the air-conditioner fixed today. It cost $500
and gets the temperature down to about 90. Stupid repairman pissed in my
pool. I'm starting to hate this state.

Aug 8th
If another wise ass cracks, "Hot enough for you today?", I'm going to
tear his throat out. D*mn heat. By the time I get to work the radiator
is boiling over, my clothes are soaking wet, and I smell like Roasted
Garfield!!

Aug 10th
The weather report might as well be a damn recording: Hot and sunny. The
weatherman says it might really warm up next week. Doesn't it ever rain
in this barren, forsaken place?? Water rationing has been in effect all
summer, so $1,700 worth of cactus just dried up and blew into the
swimming pool,which is now bone dry, because we're not even allowed to
fill it up. Even a cactus can't
live in this heat.

Aug 14th
Welcome to Hell!!! Temperature got to 123 today. Forgot to crack the
window and blew the windshield out of the Lincoln. The glass installer
came to fix it and said, "Hot enough for you today?" My wife had to
spend the $1,500 house payment to bail me out of jail.

Aug 30th
Worst day of the damn summer. By noon the temperature broke 110. Well,
it finally rained today. Fifteen inches in 2 hours. The Lincoln is now
floating somewhere in Mexico with its new $500 windshield. That does it,
we're moving to Nashville for some peace and quiet

waterguy · Post by **waterguy** » Thu Apr 21, 2011 8:36 am

I wouldn't have amde it that long.

California Girl · Post by **California Girl** » Thu Apr 21, 2011 11:48 am

shoemak38 wrote:I would like to be the first to wish you a Happy Easter

http://www.terrisfp1.com/holidays/chick.html

Right back atcha'!!

usvi-on-line

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