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shoemak38 · Post by **shoemak38** » Thu Oct 21, 2010 7:24 pm

shoemak38 · Post by **shoemak38** » Thu Oct 21, 2010 7:27 pm

It's night time so

shoemak38 · Post by **shoemak38** » Thu Oct 21, 2010 7:30 pm

page 18 and on page 19 so you do not have to go back to page 18

DWI TEXAS STYLE

Only a person in Texas could think of this. From the county where drunk driving is considered a sport, comes this true story. Recently a routine police patrol parked outside a bar in Austin , Texas .
After last call, the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so apparently intoxicated that he
Could barely walk. The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing. After what seemed an eternity in which he tried his keys on five different vehicles, the man managed to find his car and fall into it.

He sat there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off. Finally he
Started the car, switched the wipers on and off--it was a fine, dry summer night--, flicked the blinkers on and off a couple of times, honked the horn and then switched on the lights.

He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little and then remained still for a
Few more minutes as some more of the other patrons' vehicles left. At last, when his was the only car left in the parking lot, he pulled out and drove slowly down the road.

The police officer, having waited patiently all this time, now started up his patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man over and administered breathalyzer test. To his amazement, the breathalyzer indicated no evidence that the man had consumed any alcohol at all!

Dumbfounded, the officer said, "I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the police station." This breathalyzer equipment must be broken..'

'I doubt it,' said the truly proud Redneck. 'Tonight I'm the designated decoy.'

shoemak38 · Post by **shoemak38** » Thu Oct 28, 2010 12:59 pm

26 groans

1. The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.
2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian .
3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.
4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.
5. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.
6. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.
7. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
8. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
9. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.
10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
11. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
12. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other: 'You stay here; I'll go on a head.'
13. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.
14. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.'
15. The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
16. The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
17. A backward poet writes inverse.
18. In a democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.
19. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.
20. If you jumped off the bridge in Paris , you'd be in Seine .
21. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, 'I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.'
22. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says 'Dam!'
23. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
24. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, 'I've lost my electron.' The other says 'Are you sure?' The first replies, 'Yes, I'm positive.'
25. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.
26. There was the person who sent ten puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did!o)

shoemak38 · Post by **shoemak38** » Thu Oct 28, 2010 10:31 pm

shoemak38 · Post by **shoemak38** » Sat Oct 30, 2010 8:16 am

Halloween themes

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2010/10/2 ... 75016.html

http://terrisfp.com/hallo1/ghost1.swf

You know you are too old to Trick or Treat when:

10. You get winded from knocking on the door.

9. You have to have another kid chew the candy for you.

8. You ask for high fiber candy only.

7. When someone drops a candy bar in your bag,
You lose your balance and fall over.

6. People say: "Great Boris Karloff Mask,"
And you're not wearing a mask.

5. When the door opens you yell, "Trick or..."
And can't remember the rest.

4. By the end of the night,
You have a bag full of restraining orders.

3. You have to carefully choose a costume that won't dislodge your hairpiece.

2. You're the only Power Ranger in the
Neighborhood with a walker.

And the number one reason Seniors should not go
Trick Or Treating...
*
*
*
1. You keep having to go home to pee.

No matter, have a HAPPY HALLOWEEN anyway.

shoemak38 · Post by **shoemak38** » Sat Oct 30, 2010 8:39 am

shoemak38 · Post by **shoemak38** » Thu Nov 04, 2010 12:27 pm

Definitions askew

The Washington Post has published the winning submissions to its yearly contest in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words. The best entries were:

1. Coffee, n. The person upon whom one coughs.

2. Flabbergasted, adj. Appalled by discovering how much weight one has gained.

3. Abdicate, v. To give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

4. Esplanade, v. To attempt an explanation while drunk.

5. Willy-nilly, adj. Impotent.

6. Negligent, adj.. Absentmindedly answering the door when wearing only a nightgown.

7. Lymph, v. To walk with a lisp.

8. Gargoyle, n. Olive-flavored mouthwash.

9. Flatulence, n.. Emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has been run over by a steamroller.

10. Balderdash, n. A rapidly receding hairline.

11. Testicle n. A humorous question on an exam.

12. Rectitude, n. The formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.

13. Pokemon, n. A Rastafarian proctologist.

14. Oyster, n. A person who sprinkles his conversation with yiddishisms.

15. Frisbeetarianism, n. The belief that, after death, the soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.

16. Circumvent, n. An opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men

shoemak38 · Post by **shoemak38** » Thu Nov 04, 2010 12:29 pm

Italian Pres.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Avw0n9b2o9U

Perrier commercial

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cylWFggm6dw

shoemak38 · Post by **shoemak38** » Thu Nov 04, 2010 7:32 pm

shoemak38 · Post by **shoemak38** » Thu Nov 04, 2010 7:35 pm

shoemak38 · Post by **shoemak38** » Thu Nov 11, 2010 12:07 pm

Italian Virginity Test Kit

Mario is planning to marry and asks his family doctor how he could tell if his bride-to-be is still a virgin.
His doctor says, "Mario, all the Italian men I know use three things for what we call a Do-It-Yourself Virginity Test Kit. A small can of red paint, a small can of blue paint and a shovel."

Mario asks, "And what do I do with these things, doc?"

The doctor replies, "Before you climb into bed on your wedding night, you paint one of your balls red and the other ball blue. If she says, ‘That's the strangest pair of balls I’ve ever seen’, you hit her with the shovel.'

shoemak38 · Post by **shoemak38** » Thu Nov 11, 2010 12:09 pm

5 Riddles

These are great RIDDLES ..
The answers are at the bottom of the page. RIDDLE #5 is amazing. IT SHARPENS THOSE GENES IN YOUR BRAIN AND STALLS ALZHEIMER'S FOR YEARS!!
Think deeply now - try to bust them before you look at the answers.... take your time, you can do this!

The 5 Riddles....

1. A murderer is condemned to death. He has to choose between three rooms. The first is full of raging fires, the second is full of assassins with loaded guns, and the third is full of lions that haven't eaten in 3 years. Which room is safest for him?

2. A woman shoots her husband. Then she holds him under water for over 5 minutes. Finally, she hangs him. But 5 minutes later they both go out together and enjoy a wonderful dinner together. How can this be?

3. What is black when you buy it, red when you use it, and gray when you throw it away?

4. Can you name three consecutive days without using the words Wednesday, Friday, or Sunday?

5. This is an unusual paragraph. I'm curious as to just how quickly you can find out what is so unusual about it. It looks so ordinary and plain that you would think nothing was wrong with it. In fact, nothing is wrong with it! It is highly unusual though. Study it and think about it, but you still may not find anything odd. But if you work at it a bit, you might find out. Try to do so without any coaching!

THE ANSWERS TO ALL FIVE THE RIDDLES ARE BELOW:

1. The third room. Lions that haven't eaten in three years are dead. That one was easy, right?

2. The woman was a photographer. She shot a picture of her husband, developed it, and hung it up to dry (shot; held under water; and hung).

3. Charcoal, as it is used in barbecuing.

4. Sure you can name three consecutive days, yesterday, today, and tomorrow!

5. The letter e, which is the most common letter used in the English language, does not appear even once in the paragraph.

shoemak38 · Post by **shoemak38** » Thu Nov 11, 2010 10:47 pm

shoemak38 · Post by **shoemak38** » Sat Nov 13, 2010 8:02 pm

usvi-on-line

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