usvi-on-line
Need a laugh?
-
Xislandgirl
- Posts: 4163
- Joined: Tue Aug 08, 2006 4:03 pm
- Location: Slightly left of center
Two businessmen in Florida were sitting down for a break in their
soon-to-be new store. As yet, the store wasn't ready, with only a few
shelves set up.
One said to the other, "I bet any minute now some senior is going to
walk by, put his face to the window, and ask what we're selling."
No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a
curious senior walked to the window, had a peek, and in a soft voice
asked, "What are you sellin' here?"
One of the men replied sarcastically, "We're selling a$$-holes."
Without skipping a beat, the old timer said, "Must be doing well..
only two left."
Seniors -- don't mess with them!
soon-to-be new store. As yet, the store wasn't ready, with only a few
shelves set up.
One said to the other, "I bet any minute now some senior is going to
walk by, put his face to the window, and ask what we're selling."
No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a
curious senior walked to the window, had a peek, and in a soft voice
asked, "What are you sellin' here?"
One of the men replied sarcastically, "We're selling a$$-holes."
Without skipping a beat, the old timer said, "Must be doing well..
only two left."
Seniors -- don't mess with them!
It's hot up here so lets have a winter joke 
I'm happy to inform you that the Company Christmas Party will take place on December 23rd, starting at noon in the Private Function Room at the Grill House.
There will be a Cash Bar and plenty of drinks! We'll have a small band playing traditional Carols .. Please feel free to sing along. And don't be surprised if the MD shows up dressed as Santa Claus!
A Christmas tree will be lit at 1:00pm.
Exchange of gifts among employees can be done at that time; however, no gift should be over £10.00 to make the giving of gifts easy for everyone's pockets.
This gathering is only for employees! The MD will make a special announcement at the Party.
Merry Christmas to you and your Family.
Pauline
= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =
FROM: Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: 5 November 2005
RE: Holiday Party
In no way was yesterday's Memo intended to exclude our Jewish Employees. We recognise that Chanukah is an important holiday, which often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However, from now on we're calling it our " Holiday Party". The same policy applies to any other employees who are not Christians. There will be no Christmas Tree or Christmas Carols sung. We will have other types of music for your enjoyment.
Happy now?
Happy Holidays to you and your family.
Pauline
= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =
FROM: Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: 6 November 2005
RE: Holiday Party
Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table . you didn't sign your name. I'm happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads, "AA Only"; you wouldn't be anonymous anymore!!!!! How am I supposed to handle this? Somebody?
Forget about the gift exchange, no gift exchange allowed now since the Union Officials feel that £10.00 is too much money and Management believe £10.00 is a little cheap. NO GIFT EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.
Pauline
= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =
FROM: Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: 7 November 2005
RE: Holiday Party
What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20th begins the Muslim Holy Month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during daylight hours. There goes the Party!
Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate our Muslin Employees' beliefs; perhaps the Grill House can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the Party - or else package everything up for you to take home in a little foil doggy bag. Will that work?
Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest from the Dessert Buffet and pregnant women will get the table closest to the Toilets.
Gays are allowed to sit with each other, Lesbians do not have to sit with gay men, each will have their own table. Yes, there will be flower arrangements for the gay men's table too. To the person asking permission to cross dress - no cross dressing allowed.
We will have booster seats for short people. Low fat food will be available for those on a diet. We cannot control the salt used in the food we suggest those people with high blood pressure taste the food first. There will be fresh fruits as dessert for Diabetics; the Restaurant cannot supply "No Sugar" desserts. Sorry!
Did I miss anything ?!?!?!?!
Pauline
= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =
FROM: Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All F****** Employees
DATE: 8 November 2005
RE: The F****** Holiday Party
Vegetarian pricks I've had it with you people!!! We're going to keep this Party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of death," as you so quaintly put it, and you'll get your f****** Salad Bar, including Organic Tomatoes. But you know Tomatoes have feelings too. They scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing them scream right NOW!!
I hope you all have a rotten holiday,
The Bitch from HELL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =
FROM: John Bishop, Acting Human Resources Director
DATE: 9 November 2005
RE: Pauline Lewis and Holiday Party
I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Pauline Lewis a speedy recovery and I'll continue to forward your cards to her. In the meantime, the Management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and instead give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd December off with full pay.
Happy Holidays!
John
I'm happy to inform you that the Company Christmas Party will take place on December 23rd, starting at noon in the Private Function Room at the Grill House.
There will be a Cash Bar and plenty of drinks! We'll have a small band playing traditional Carols .. Please feel free to sing along. And don't be surprised if the MD shows up dressed as Santa Claus!
A Christmas tree will be lit at 1:00pm.
Exchange of gifts among employees can be done at that time; however, no gift should be over £10.00 to make the giving of gifts easy for everyone's pockets.
This gathering is only for employees! The MD will make a special announcement at the Party.
Merry Christmas to you and your Family.
Pauline
= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =
FROM: Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: 5 November 2005
RE: Holiday Party
In no way was yesterday's Memo intended to exclude our Jewish Employees. We recognise that Chanukah is an important holiday, which often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However, from now on we're calling it our " Holiday Party". The same policy applies to any other employees who are not Christians. There will be no Christmas Tree or Christmas Carols sung. We will have other types of music for your enjoyment.
Happy now?
Happy Holidays to you and your family.
Pauline
= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =
FROM: Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: 6 November 2005
RE: Holiday Party
Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table . you didn't sign your name. I'm happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads, "AA Only"; you wouldn't be anonymous anymore!!!!! How am I supposed to handle this? Somebody?
Forget about the gift exchange, no gift exchange allowed now since the Union Officials feel that £10.00 is too much money and Management believe £10.00 is a little cheap. NO GIFT EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.
Pauline
= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =
FROM: Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: 7 November 2005
RE: Holiday Party
What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20th begins the Muslim Holy Month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during daylight hours. There goes the Party!
Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate our Muslin Employees' beliefs; perhaps the Grill House can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the Party - or else package everything up for you to take home in a little foil doggy bag. Will that work?
Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest from the Dessert Buffet and pregnant women will get the table closest to the Toilets.
Gays are allowed to sit with each other, Lesbians do not have to sit with gay men, each will have their own table. Yes, there will be flower arrangements for the gay men's table too. To the person asking permission to cross dress - no cross dressing allowed.
We will have booster seats for short people. Low fat food will be available for those on a diet. We cannot control the salt used in the food we suggest those people with high blood pressure taste the food first. There will be fresh fruits as dessert for Diabetics; the Restaurant cannot supply "No Sugar" desserts. Sorry!
Did I miss anything ?!?!?!?!
Pauline
= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =
FROM: Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All F****** Employees
DATE: 8 November 2005
RE: The F****** Holiday Party
Vegetarian pricks I've had it with you people!!! We're going to keep this Party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of death," as you so quaintly put it, and you'll get your f****** Salad Bar, including Organic Tomatoes. But you know Tomatoes have feelings too. They scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing them scream right NOW!!
I hope you all have a rotten holiday,
The Bitch from HELL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =
FROM: John Bishop, Acting Human Resources Director
DATE: 9 November 2005
RE: Pauline Lewis and Holiday Party
I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Pauline Lewis a speedy recovery and I'll continue to forward your cards to her. In the meantime, the Management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and instead give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd December off with full pay.
Happy Holidays!
John
Subject: Little Mary Margaret
Little Mary Margaret was not the best student in Our Lady of Mercy Parochial School. Usually she slept through the class. One day her teacher, a nun, called on her while she was sleeping. "Tell me, Mary Margaret, who created the universe?"
When Mary Margaret didn't stir, little Johnny who was her friend sitting behind her, took his pencil and jabbed her in the rear. "God Almighty!" shouted Mary Margaret. The nun said, "Very good" and continued teaching her class.
A little later the nun asked Mary Margaret, "Who is our Lord and Savior?" But Mary didn't stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to her rescue and stuck Mary Margaret in the butt. "Jesus Christ!" shouted Mary Margaret, and the nun once again said, "Very good," and Mary Margaret fell back asleep.
The nun asked her a third question, "What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?" Again, Johnny came to the rescue.
This time Mary Margaret jumped up and shouted, "If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!"
Little Mary Margaret was not the best student in Our Lady of Mercy Parochial School. Usually she slept through the class. One day her teacher, a nun, called on her while she was sleeping. "Tell me, Mary Margaret, who created the universe?"
When Mary Margaret didn't stir, little Johnny who was her friend sitting behind her, took his pencil and jabbed her in the rear. "God Almighty!" shouted Mary Margaret. The nun said, "Very good" and continued teaching her class.
A little later the nun asked Mary Margaret, "Who is our Lord and Savior?" But Mary didn't stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to her rescue and stuck Mary Margaret in the butt. "Jesus Christ!" shouted Mary Margaret, and the nun once again said, "Very good," and Mary Margaret fell back asleep.
The nun asked her a third question, "What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?" Again, Johnny came to the rescue.
This time Mary Margaret jumped up and shouted, "If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!"
Tomorrow is the official Slap Your Irritating St John forumites Holiday :
Do you have a St John forumite who talks nonstop about nothing, working your last nerve with tedious and boring details that you don't give a damn about? Do you have a St John forumite who ALWAYS screws up stuff creating MORE work for you? Do you have a St John forumite who kisses so much booty, you can look in their mouth and see what your boss had for lunch? Do you have a St John forumite who is SOOO obnoxious,when he/she enters a room, everyone else clears it? Well, on behalf of IkeTurner, I am so very very glad to officially announce tomorrow as SLAP YOUR IRRITATING ST JOHN FORUMITE DAY! There are the rules you must follow:
* You can only slap one person per hour - no more.
* You can slap the same person again if they irritate you again in the same day.
* You are allowed to hold someone down as other St John forumites take their turns slapping the irritant.
* No weapons are allowed...other than going upside somebody's head with a stapler or a hole-puncher.
* CURSING IS MANDATORY! After you have slapped the recipient, your"assaul! t" must be followed with something like "cause I'm sick of your stupid-a$$ always messing up stuff!"
* If questioned by a supervisor or police, (if the supervisor is the irritant), you are allowed to LIE, LIE, LIE! Now, study the rules, break out your list of folks that you want to slap the living day lights out of and get to slapping.....and have a GREAT DAY!
Do you have a St John forumite who talks nonstop about nothing, working your last nerve with tedious and boring details that you don't give a damn about? Do you have a St John forumite who ALWAYS screws up stuff creating MORE work for you? Do you have a St John forumite who kisses so much booty, you can look in their mouth and see what your boss had for lunch? Do you have a St John forumite who is SOOO obnoxious,when he/she enters a room, everyone else clears it? Well, on behalf of IkeTurner, I am so very very glad to officially announce tomorrow as SLAP YOUR IRRITATING ST JOHN FORUMITE DAY! There are the rules you must follow:
* You can only slap one person per hour - no more.
* You can slap the same person again if they irritate you again in the same day.
* You are allowed to hold someone down as other St John forumites take their turns slapping the irritant.
* No weapons are allowed...other than going upside somebody's head with a stapler or a hole-puncher.
* CURSING IS MANDATORY! After you have slapped the recipient, your"assaul! t" must be followed with something like "cause I'm sick of your stupid-a$$ always messing up stuff!"
* If questioned by a supervisor or police, (if the supervisor is the irritant), you are allowed to LIE, LIE, LIE! Now, study the rules, break out your list of folks that you want to slap the living day lights out of and get to slapping.....and have a GREAT DAY!
Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven. When they get there, St. Peter says, 'We only have one rule here in heaven: Don't step on the ducks!'
So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.
Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw. St. Peter chains them together and says, 'Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!'
The next day, the second woman steps accidentally on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing. With him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.
The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps. She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St.Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on.
St. Peter chains them together without saying a word. The happy woman says, 'I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?'
The guy says, 'I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck.'
_________________
So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.
Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw. St. Peter chains them together and says, 'Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!'
The next day, the second woman steps accidentally on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing. With him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.
The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps. She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St.Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on.
St. Peter chains them together without saying a word. The happy woman says, 'I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?'
The guy says, 'I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck.'
_________________
Question:
What is the truest definition of Globalization?
Answer:
Princess Diana’s death.
Question:
Why?
Answer:
An English princess with an Egyptian boyfriend crashes in a French tunnel, driving a German car with a Dutch engine, driven by a Belgian who was drunk on Scottish whiskey,
followed closely by Italian paparazzi on Japanese motorcycles;
treated by an American doctor, using Brazilian medicines.
This is sent to you by an American, using Bill Gate’s technology and you are probably reading this on your computer, that uses Taiwanese chips and a Korean monitor, assembled by Bangladeshi workers in a Singapore plant; transported by Indian lorry-drivers, hijacked by Indonesians, unloaded by Sicilian longshoremen and trucked to you by illegal Mexican workers…
And that is what Globalization is
What is the truest definition of Globalization?
Answer:
Princess Diana’s death.
Question:
Why?
Answer:
An English princess with an Egyptian boyfriend crashes in a French tunnel, driving a German car with a Dutch engine, driven by a Belgian who was drunk on Scottish whiskey,
followed closely by Italian paparazzi on Japanese motorcycles;
treated by an American doctor, using Brazilian medicines.
This is sent to you by an American, using Bill Gate’s technology and you are probably reading this on your computer, that uses Taiwanese chips and a Korean monitor, assembled by Bangladeshi workers in a Singapore plant; transported by Indian lorry-drivers, hijacked by Indonesians, unloaded by Sicilian longshoremen and trucked to you by illegal Mexican workers…
And that is what Globalization is
Canadian Pride ..........
A couple of young kids in London, Ontario did this
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mWQf13B8 ... r_embedded
Watch the blooper reel too
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b0tjfhfgPY4&NR=1
A couple of young kids in London, Ontario did this
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mWQf13B8 ... r_embedded
Watch the blooper reel too
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b0tjfhfgPY4&NR=1
Six Affairs
The 1st Affair
A married man was having an affair
with his secretary..
One day they went to her place
and made love all afternoon.
Exhausted, they fell asleep
and woke up at 8 PM.
The man hurriedly dressed
and told his lover to take his shoes
outside and rub them in the grass and dirt.
He put on his shoes and drove home.
'Where have you been?' his wife demanded.
'I can't lie to you,' he replied,
'I'm having an affair with my secretary.
We had sex all afternoon.'
She looked down at his shoes and said:
'You lying bastard!
You've been playing golf!'
The 2nd Affair
A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters
but always talked about having a son.
They decided to try one last time
for the son they always wanted.
The wife got pregnant
and delivered a healthy baby boy.
The joyful father rushed to the nursery
to see his new son.
He was horrified at the ugliest child
he had ever seen.
He told his wife: 'There's no way I can
be the father of this baby.
Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered!
Have you been fooling around behind my back?'
The wife smiled sweetly and replied:
'No, not this time!'
The 3rd Affair
A mortician was working late one night.
He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz,
about to be cremated,
and made a startling discovery.
Schwartz had the largest private part
he had ever seen!
'I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz,' the mortician
commented, 'I can't allow you to be cremated
with such an impressive private part.
It must be saved for posterity.'
So, he removed it,
stuffed it into his briefcase,
and took it home.
'I have something to show
you won't believe,' he said to his wife,
opening his briefcase.
'My God!' the wife exclaimed,
'Schwartz is dead!'
The 4th Affair
A woman was in bed with her lover
when she heard her husband
opening the front door.
'Hurry,' she said, 'stand in the corner.'
She rubbed baby oil all over him,
then dusted him with talcum powder.
'Don't move until I tell you,'
she said. 'Pretend you're a statue.'
'What's this?' the husband inquired
as he entered the room.
'Oh it's a statue,' she replied.
'The Smiths bought one and I liked it
so I got one for us, too.'
No more was said,
not even when they went to bed.
Around 2 AM the husband got up,
went to the kitchen and returned
with a sandwich and a beer.
'Here,' he said to the statue, 'have this.
I stood like that for two days at the Smiths
and nobody offered me a damned thing.'
The 5th Affair
A man walked into a cafe,
went to the bar and ordered a beer.
'Certainly, Sir, that'll be one cent.'
'One Cent?' the man exclaimed.
He glanced at the menu and asked:
'How much for a nice juicy steak
and a bottle of wine?'
'A nickel,' the barman replied.
'A nickel?' exclaimed the man.
'Where's the guy who owns this place?'
The bartender replied:
'Upstairs, with my wife.'
The man asked: 'What's he doing upstairs
with your wife?'
The bartender replied:
'The same thing I'm doing
to his business down here.'
The 6th & Best Affair
Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside.
He looked up and said weakly:
'I have something I must confess.'
'There's no need to, 'his wife replied.
'No,' he insisted,
'I want to die in peace.
I slept with your sister, your best friend,
her best friend, and your mother!'
'I know,' she replied.
'Now just rest and let the poison work..'
The 1st Affair
A married man was having an affair
with his secretary..
One day they went to her place
and made love all afternoon.
Exhausted, they fell asleep
and woke up at 8 PM.
The man hurriedly dressed
and told his lover to take his shoes
outside and rub them in the grass and dirt.
He put on his shoes and drove home.
'Where have you been?' his wife demanded.
'I can't lie to you,' he replied,
'I'm having an affair with my secretary.
We had sex all afternoon.'
She looked down at his shoes and said:
'You lying bastard!
You've been playing golf!'
The 2nd Affair
A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters
but always talked about having a son.
They decided to try one last time
for the son they always wanted.
The wife got pregnant
and delivered a healthy baby boy.
The joyful father rushed to the nursery
to see his new son.
He was horrified at the ugliest child
he had ever seen.
He told his wife: 'There's no way I can
be the father of this baby.
Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered!
Have you been fooling around behind my back?'
The wife smiled sweetly and replied:
'No, not this time!'
The 3rd Affair
A mortician was working late one night.
He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz,
about to be cremated,
and made a startling discovery.
Schwartz had the largest private part
he had ever seen!
'I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz,' the mortician
commented, 'I can't allow you to be cremated
with such an impressive private part.
It must be saved for posterity.'
So, he removed it,
stuffed it into his briefcase,
and took it home.
'I have something to show
you won't believe,' he said to his wife,
opening his briefcase.
'My God!' the wife exclaimed,
'Schwartz is dead!'
The 4th Affair
A woman was in bed with her lover
when she heard her husband
opening the front door.
'Hurry,' she said, 'stand in the corner.'
She rubbed baby oil all over him,
then dusted him with talcum powder.
'Don't move until I tell you,'
she said. 'Pretend you're a statue.'
'What's this?' the husband inquired
as he entered the room.
'Oh it's a statue,' she replied.
'The Smiths bought one and I liked it
so I got one for us, too.'
No more was said,
not even when they went to bed.
Around 2 AM the husband got up,
went to the kitchen and returned
with a sandwich and a beer.
'Here,' he said to the statue, 'have this.
I stood like that for two days at the Smiths
and nobody offered me a damned thing.'
The 5th Affair
A man walked into a cafe,
went to the bar and ordered a beer.
'Certainly, Sir, that'll be one cent.'
'One Cent?' the man exclaimed.
He glanced at the menu and asked:
'How much for a nice juicy steak
and a bottle of wine?'
'A nickel,' the barman replied.
'A nickel?' exclaimed the man.
'Where's the guy who owns this place?'
The bartender replied:
'Upstairs, with my wife.'
The man asked: 'What's he doing upstairs
with your wife?'
The bartender replied:
'The same thing I'm doing
to his business down here.'
The 6th & Best Affair
Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside.
He looked up and said weakly:
'I have something I must confess.'
'There's no need to, 'his wife replied.
'No,' he insisted,
'I want to die in peace.
I slept with your sister, your best friend,
her best friend, and your mother!'
'I know,' she replied.
'Now just rest and let the poison work..'
Pastor’s Business Card---
A new pastor was visiting in the homes of his parishioners. At one house it seemed obvious that someone was at home, but no answer came to his repeated knocks at the door.
Therefore, he took out a business card and wrote 'Revelation 3:20' on the back of it and stuck it in the door.
When the offering was processed the following Sunday, he found that his card had been returned. Added to it was this cryptic message, 'Genesis 3:10..'
Reaching for his Bible to check out the citation, he broke up in gales of laughter. Revelation 3:20 begins 'Behold, I stand at the door and knock.' Genesis 3:10 reads, 'I heard your voice in the garden and I was afraid for I was naked.'
A new pastor was visiting in the homes of his parishioners. At one house it seemed obvious that someone was at home, but no answer came to his repeated knocks at the door.
Therefore, he took out a business card and wrote 'Revelation 3:20' on the back of it and stuck it in the door.
When the offering was processed the following Sunday, he found that his card had been returned. Added to it was this cryptic message, 'Genesis 3:10..'
Reaching for his Bible to check out the citation, he broke up in gales of laughter. Revelation 3:20 begins 'Behold, I stand at the door and knock.' Genesis 3:10 reads, 'I heard your voice in the garden and I was afraid for I was naked.'
Will I live to see 80?
>
> Here's something to think about.
>
> I recently picked a new primary care doctor. After two visits and exhaustive Lab tests, he said I was doing 'fairly well' for my age.
> (Now over 60.)
>
>
> A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, 'Do you think I'll live to be 80?'
>
>
> He asked, 'Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer or wine?'
>
>
> 'Oh no,' I replied.. 'I'm not doing drugs, either!'
>
>
> Then he asked, 'Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?
>
>
> 'I said, 'Not much.... my former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!'
>
>
> 'Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?'
>
>
> 'No, I don't,' I said.
>
>
> He asked, 'Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?'
>
>
> 'No,' I said.
>
>
> He looked at me and said,...
>
> Then, why do you even care?
>
> Here's something to think about.
>
> I recently picked a new primary care doctor. After two visits and exhaustive Lab tests, he said I was doing 'fairly well' for my age.
> (Now over 60.)
>
>
> A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, 'Do you think I'll live to be 80?'
>
>
> He asked, 'Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer or wine?'
>
>
> 'Oh no,' I replied.. 'I'm not doing drugs, either!'
>
>
> Then he asked, 'Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?
>
>
> 'I said, 'Not much.... my former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!'
>
>
> 'Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?'
>
>
> 'No, I don't,' I said.
>
>
> He asked, 'Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?'
>
>
> 'No,' I said.
>
>
> He looked at me and said,...
>
> Then, why do you even care?
You think English is easy???
1) The bandage was wound around the wound.
2) The farm was used to produce produce.
3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.
4) We must polish the Polish furniture.
5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.
6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.
A bass was painted on the head of the bassdrum.
9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
10) I did not object to the object.
11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.
13) They were too close to the door to close it.
14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.
15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into asewer line.
16) To help with planting, the farmer taught hissow to sow.
17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
18) Upon seeing the tear in the painting, I shed a tear.
19) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
20) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?
Let's face it - English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant, nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France. Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat. We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.
And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth, beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese? One index, 2 indices?
Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend? If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?
If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught?
If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?
Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane.
In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital?
Ship by truck and send cargo by ship?
Have noses that run and feet that smell?
How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites?
You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out and in which, an alarm goes off by going on.
English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race, which, of course, is not a race at all. That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible.
PS. - Why doesn't 'Buick' rhyme with 'quick' ?
You lovers of the English language might enjoy this .
There is a two-letter word that perhaps has more meanings than any other
two-letter word, and that is 'UP.'
It's easy to understand UP , meaning toward the sky or at the top of the list, but when we awaken in the morning, why do we wake UP ? At a meeting, why does a topic come UP ? Why do we speak UP and why are the officers UP for election and why is it UP to the secretary to write UP a report ?
We call UP our friends. And we use it to brighten UP a room, polish UP the silver; we warm UP the leftovers and clean UP the kitchen. We lock UP the house and some guys fix UP the old car.. At other times the little word has real special meaning. People stir UP trouble, line UP for tickets, work UP an appetite, and think UPexcuses. To be dressed is one thing, but to be dressed UP is special.
And this UP is confusing: A drain must be opened UP because it is stopped UP. We open UP a store in the morning but we close itUP at night.
We seem to be pretty mixed UP about UP ! To be knowledgeable about the proper uses of UP, look the word UP in the dictionary. In a desk-sized dictionary, it takes UP almost 1/4th of the page and can add UP to about thirty definitions. If you are UP to it, you might try building UP a list of the many ways UP is used. It will take UP a lot of your time, but if you don't give UP, you may wind UP with a hundred or more. When it threatens to rain, we say it is cloudingUP. When the sun comes out we say it is clearing UP .....
When it rains, it wets the earth and often messes things UP.
When it doesn't rain for awhile, things dry UP..
One could go on and on, but I'll wrap it UP, for now my time is UP , so......it is time to shut UP !
Oh . . . one more thing:
What is the first thing you do in the morning & the last thing you
do at night? U-P
1) The bandage was wound around the wound.
2) The farm was used to produce produce.
3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.
4) We must polish the Polish furniture.
5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.
6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.
A bass was painted on the head of the bassdrum.9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
10) I did not object to the object.
11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.
13) They were too close to the door to close it.
14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.
15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into asewer line.
16) To help with planting, the farmer taught hissow to sow.
17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
18) Upon seeing the tear in the painting, I shed a tear.
19) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
20) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?
Let's face it - English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant, nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France. Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat. We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.
And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth, beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese? One index, 2 indices?
Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend? If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?
If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught?
If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?
Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane.
In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital?
Ship by truck and send cargo by ship?
Have noses that run and feet that smell?
How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites?
You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out and in which, an alarm goes off by going on.
English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race, which, of course, is not a race at all. That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible.
PS. - Why doesn't 'Buick' rhyme with 'quick' ?
You lovers of the English language might enjoy this .
There is a two-letter word that perhaps has more meanings than any other
two-letter word, and that is 'UP.'
It's easy to understand UP , meaning toward the sky or at the top of the list, but when we awaken in the morning, why do we wake UP ? At a meeting, why does a topic come UP ? Why do we speak UP and why are the officers UP for election and why is it UP to the secretary to write UP a report ?
We call UP our friends. And we use it to brighten UP a room, polish UP the silver; we warm UP the leftovers and clean UP the kitchen. We lock UP the house and some guys fix UP the old car.. At other times the little word has real special meaning. People stir UP trouble, line UP for tickets, work UP an appetite, and think UPexcuses. To be dressed is one thing, but to be dressed UP is special.
And this UP is confusing: A drain must be opened UP because it is stopped UP. We open UP a store in the morning but we close itUP at night.
We seem to be pretty mixed UP about UP ! To be knowledgeable about the proper uses of UP, look the word UP in the dictionary. In a desk-sized dictionary, it takes UP almost 1/4th of the page and can add UP to about thirty definitions. If you are UP to it, you might try building UP a list of the many ways UP is used. It will take UP a lot of your time, but if you don't give UP, you may wind UP with a hundred or more. When it threatens to rain, we say it is cloudingUP. When the sun comes out we say it is clearing UP .....
When it rains, it wets the earth and often messes things UP.
When it doesn't rain for awhile, things dry UP..
One could go on and on, but I'll wrap it UP, for now my time is UP , so......it is time to shut UP !
Oh . . . one more thing:
What is the first thing you do in the morning & the last thing you
do at night? U-P