usvi-on-line
Need a laugh?
An elderly man in North Carolina had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back, fixed up really nice, along with some picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees. The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built.
One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.
As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. When he came closer, he realized it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end to shield themselves.
One of the women shouted to him, 'We're not coming out until you leave!'
The old man frowned and replied, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked' Holding the bucket up he said, 'I'm here to feed the alligator.'
Moral of the story: Old men may move slow but can still think fast.
One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.
As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. When he came closer, he realized it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end to shield themselves.
One of the women shouted to him, 'We're not coming out until you leave!'
The old man frowned and replied, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked' Holding the bucket up he said, 'I'm here to feed the alligator.'
Moral of the story: Old men may move slow but can still think fast.
<a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/27134057@N04/4625345022/" title="jokes may21 by SHOEMAK38, on Flickr"><img src="http://farm4.static.flickr.com/3490/462 ... 489a53.jpg" width="337" height="500" alt="jokes may21"></a>
<a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/27134057@N04/4624740077/" title="jokes may21 by SHOEMAK38, on Flickr"><img src="http://farm5.static.flickr.com/4071/462 ... 3928fb.jpg" width="289" height="500" alt="jokes may21"></a>
<a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/27134057@N04/4624739621/" title="jokes may21 by SHOEMAK38, on Flickr"><img src="http://farm4.static.flickr.com/3383/462 ... 8dbf1e.jpg" width="374" height="441" alt="jokes may21"></a>
<a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/27134057@N04/4624740077/" title="jokes may21 by SHOEMAK38, on Flickr"><img src="http://farm5.static.flickr.com/4071/462 ... 3928fb.jpg" width="289" height="500" alt="jokes may21"></a>
<a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/27134057@N04/4624739621/" title="jokes may21 by SHOEMAK38, on Flickr"><img src="http://farm4.static.flickr.com/3383/462 ... 8dbf1e.jpg" width="374" height="441" alt="jokes may21"></a>
A man was walking down the street wh! en he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner.
The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"
"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.
"Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?" the man asked.
"No, I don't waste time fishing," the homeless man said. "I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive."
"Will you spend this on greens fees at! a golf course instead of food?" the man asked.
"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't played golf in 20 years!"
"Will you spend the money on a woman in the red light district instead of food?" the man asked.
"What disease would I get for ten lousy bucks?" exclaimed the homeless man.
"Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."
The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm d! irty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting."
The man replied, "That's okay. It's important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up beer, fishing, golf, and sex."
The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"
"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.
"Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?" the man asked.
"No, I don't waste time fishing," the homeless man said. "I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive."
"Will you spend this on greens fees at! a golf course instead of food?" the man asked.
"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't played golf in 20 years!"
"Will you spend the money on a woman in the red light district instead of food?" the man asked.
"What disease would I get for ten lousy bucks?" exclaimed the homeless man.
"Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."
The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm d! irty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting."
The man replied, "That's okay. It's important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up beer, fishing, golf, and sex."
Two boys are playing hockey on the pond on Boston Common, when one is attacked by a vicious dog.
Thinking quickly, the other boy took his hockey stick and managed to wedge it down the dog's collar and twist, luckily breaking the dog's neck and stopping its attack.
A reporter who was strolling by sees the incident, and rushes over to interview the boy.he starts writing in his notebook,......" Young Bruins Fan Saves friend from Vicious Animal..."
" But I'm not a Bruins Fan," .....the little hero replied.
"Sorry, since we're in Boston, I just assumed you were," said the reporter and starts again.
" Red Sox Fan Rescues Friend from Horrific attack..." he continued writing in his notebook.
" I'm not a Red Sox fan either !!!" The boy said.
" Oh, Patriots Fan Rescues Friend from Horrific attack..." He continued to write in his notebook.
" I'm not a Patriots Fan either", said the boy.
" I assumed everyone in Boston was either for the Bruins, the Red Sox, or the Patriots So, what team do you root for?" the reporter asked.
" I'm a Yankee fan !!! ",........... the child beamed.
The reporter starts a new sheet in his notebook and writes:.......
" Little Bastard from New York Kills Beloved Family Pet
Thinking quickly, the other boy took his hockey stick and managed to wedge it down the dog's collar and twist, luckily breaking the dog's neck and stopping its attack.
A reporter who was strolling by sees the incident, and rushes over to interview the boy.he starts writing in his notebook,......" Young Bruins Fan Saves friend from Vicious Animal..."
" But I'm not a Bruins Fan," .....the little hero replied.
"Sorry, since we're in Boston, I just assumed you were," said the reporter and starts again.
" Red Sox Fan Rescues Friend from Horrific attack..." he continued writing in his notebook.
" I'm not a Red Sox fan either !!!" The boy said.
" Oh, Patriots Fan Rescues Friend from Horrific attack..." He continued to write in his notebook.
" I'm not a Patriots Fan either", said the boy.
" I assumed everyone in Boston was either for the Bruins, the Red Sox, or the Patriots So, what team do you root for?" the reporter asked.
" I'm a Yankee fan !!! ",........... the child beamed.
The reporter starts a new sheet in his notebook and writes:.......
" Little Bastard from New York Kills Beloved Family Pet
RAISING BOYS
a) For those with no children - this is totally hysterical!
b) For those who already have children past this age, this is hilarious.
c) For those who have children this age, this is not funny.
d) For those who have children nearing this age, this is a warning.
e) For those who have not yet had children, this is birth control. The following came from an anonymous Mother in Austin, Texas...
Things I've learned from my Boys (honest and not kidding):
1). A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. ft. house 4 inches deep.
2.) If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.
3.) A 3-year old Boy's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.
4.) If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound Boy wearing Batman underwear and a Superman cape. It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20 x 20 ft. room.
5.) You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When using a ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.
6.) The glass in windows (even double-pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.
7.) Do Not Touch means TOUCH lightly.
8.) Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.
9.) A six-year old Boy can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36-year old Man says they can only do it in the movies.
10.) Certain Lego's will pass through the digestive tract of a 4-year old Boy.
11.) Play dough and microwave should not be used in the same sentence.
12.) Super glue is forever.
13.) No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water.
14.) Pool filters do not like Jell-O.
15.) VCR's do not eject "PB & J" sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.
16.) Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.
17.) Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.
18.) You probably DO NOT want to know what that odor is.
19..) Always look in the oven before you turn it on; plastic toys do not like ovens.
20.) The fire department in Austin, TX has a 5-minute response time.
21.) The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy.
22.) It will, however, make cats dizzy.
23.) Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.
24.) 80% of Men who read this will try mixing the Clorox and brake fluid.
25.) Women will pass this on to almost all of their friends, with or without kids.
a) For those with no children - this is totally hysterical!
b) For those who already have children past this age, this is hilarious.
c) For those who have children this age, this is not funny.
d) For those who have children nearing this age, this is a warning.
e) For those who have not yet had children, this is birth control. The following came from an anonymous Mother in Austin, Texas...
Things I've learned from my Boys (honest and not kidding):
1). A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. ft. house 4 inches deep.
2.) If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.
3.) A 3-year old Boy's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.
4.) If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound Boy wearing Batman underwear and a Superman cape. It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20 x 20 ft. room.
5.) You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When using a ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.
6.) The glass in windows (even double-pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.
7.) Do Not Touch means TOUCH lightly.
8.) Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.
9.) A six-year old Boy can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36-year old Man says they can only do it in the movies.
10.) Certain Lego's will pass through the digestive tract of a 4-year old Boy.
11.) Play dough and microwave should not be used in the same sentence.
12.) Super glue is forever.
13.) No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water.
14.) Pool filters do not like Jell-O.
15.) VCR's do not eject "PB & J" sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.
16.) Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.
17.) Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.
18.) You probably DO NOT want to know what that odor is.
19..) Always look in the oven before you turn it on; plastic toys do not like ovens.
20.) The fire department in Austin, TX has a 5-minute response time.
21.) The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy.
22.) It will, however, make cats dizzy.
23.) Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.
24.) 80% of Men who read this will try mixing the Clorox and brake fluid.
25.) Women will pass this on to almost all of their friends, with or without kids.
THE BOTTLE OF WINE
Sally was driving home from one of her business trips in Northern Arizona when she saw an elderly Navajo woman walking on the side of the road. As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped the car and asked the Navajo woman if she would like a ride. With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got into the car.
Resuming the journey, Sally tried in vain to make a bit of small talk with the Navajo woman. The old woman just sat silently, looking intently at everything she saw, studying every little detail, until she noticed a brown bag on the seat
next to Sally. "What in bag?" asked the old woman.
Sally looked down at the brown bag and said: "It's a bottle of wine. I got it for my husband." The Navajo woman was silent for another moment or two. Then,
speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, she said:
"Good trade."
Sally was driving home from one of her business trips in Northern Arizona when she saw an elderly Navajo woman walking on the side of the road. As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped the car and asked the Navajo woman if she would like a ride. With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got into the car.
Resuming the journey, Sally tried in vain to make a bit of small talk with the Navajo woman. The old woman just sat silently, looking intently at everything she saw, studying every little detail, until she noticed a brown bag on the seat
next to Sally. "What in bag?" asked the old woman.
Sally looked down at the brown bag and said: "It's a bottle of wine. I got it for my husband." The Navajo woman was silent for another moment or two. Then,
speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, she said:
"Good trade."
Top Ten Country Western Songs.
10. I Hate Every Bone In Her Body But Mine
9. I Ain't Never Gone To Bed With an Ugly Woman But I Woke Up With A Few
8. If The Phone Don't Ring, You'll Know It's Me
7. I've Missed You, But My Aim's Improvin'
6. Wouldn't Take Her To A Dogfight 'Cause I'm Scared She'd Win
5. I'm So Miserable Without You It's Like You're Still Here
4. My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend And I Miss Him
3. She Took My Ring and Gave Me the Finger
2. She's Lookin' Better with Every Beer
And the Number One Country & Western song is....
1. It's Hard To Kiss The Lips At Night That Chewed My Ass All Day
10. I Hate Every Bone In Her Body But Mine
9. I Ain't Never Gone To Bed With an Ugly Woman But I Woke Up With A Few
8. If The Phone Don't Ring, You'll Know It's Me
7. I've Missed You, But My Aim's Improvin'
6. Wouldn't Take Her To A Dogfight 'Cause I'm Scared She'd Win
5. I'm So Miserable Without You It's Like You're Still Here
4. My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend And I Miss Him
3. She Took My Ring and Gave Me the Finger
2. She's Lookin' Better with Every Beer
And the Number One Country & Western song is....
1. It's Hard To Kiss The Lips At Night That Chewed My Ass All Day
<a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/27134057@N04/4647539020/" title="jokes may21 by SHOEMAK38, on Flickr"><img src="http://farm5.static.flickr.com/4039/464 ... 360aac.jpg" width="500" height="414" alt="jokes may21"></a>
<a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/27134057@N04/4647538786/" title="jokes may21 by SHOEMAK38, on Flickr"><img src="http://farm5.static.flickr.com/4012/464 ... 9d127d.jpg" width="500" height="500" alt="jokes may21"></a>
<a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/27134057@N04/4647538786/" title="jokes may21 by SHOEMAK38, on Flickr"><img src="http://farm5.static.flickr.com/4012/464 ... 9d127d.jpg" width="500" height="500" alt="jokes may21"></a>
A woman meets a gorgeous man in a bar. They talk, they connect, they end up leaving together.
They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment, she notices that his bedroom is completely packed with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears.
There are three shelves in the bedroom, with hundreds and hundreds of cute, cuddly teddy bears, carefully placed in rows covering the entire wall!
It was obvious that he had taken quite some time to lovingly arrange them and she was immediately touched by the amount of thought he had put into organizing the display.
There were small bears all along the bottom shelf, medium-sized bears covering the length of the middle shelf, and huge, enormous bears running all the way along the top shelf. She found it strange for a young bloke to have such a large a collection of Teddy bears, especially one that's so extensive, but doesn't mention this to him, and actually is quite impressed by his sensitive side.
All the while thinking to herself, "Oh bless! Maybe this guy could be one!
Maybe he could father my children?" She turns to him. They kiss... and then they rip each other's clothes off and make hot steamy love.
After an intense, explosive night of raw passion with this sensitive guy, they are lying there together in the afterglow, the woman rolls over, strokes his chest and asks coyly, "Well, how was it?"
The guy says: "Help yourself to any prize from the bottom shelf."
They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment, she notices that his bedroom is completely packed with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears.
There are three shelves in the bedroom, with hundreds and hundreds of cute, cuddly teddy bears, carefully placed in rows covering the entire wall!
It was obvious that he had taken quite some time to lovingly arrange them and she was immediately touched by the amount of thought he had put into organizing the display.
There were small bears all along the bottom shelf, medium-sized bears covering the length of the middle shelf, and huge, enormous bears running all the way along the top shelf. She found it strange for a young bloke to have such a large a collection of Teddy bears, especially one that's so extensive, but doesn't mention this to him, and actually is quite impressed by his sensitive side.
All the while thinking to herself, "Oh bless! Maybe this guy could be one!
Maybe he could father my children?" She turns to him. They kiss... and then they rip each other's clothes off and make hot steamy love.
After an intense, explosive night of raw passion with this sensitive guy, they are lying there together in the afterglow, the woman rolls over, strokes his chest and asks coyly, "Well, how was it?"
The guy says: "Help yourself to any prize from the bottom shelf."
TO All
Subject: HARLEY DAVIDSON
The inventor of the Harley-Davidson motorcycle, Arthur Davidson, died and went to heaven. At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur, "Since you've been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is,you can hang out with anyone you want in Heaven."
Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, "I want to hang out with God." St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room, and introduced him to God.
God recognized Arthur and commented, "Okay, so you were the one who invented motorcycles, eh?!" Arthur said, "Yeah, that's me..." God commented: "Well, what's the big deal in inventing something that's
pretty unstable, makes noise and pollution, and can't run without a road?!"
Arthur was apparently embarrassed, but finally spoke, "Excuse me, but aren't you the inventor of woman?"
God said, "Ah, yes."
"Well," said Arthur, "professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention:
1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusion;
2. It chatters constantly at high speeds;
3. Most of the rear ends are too soft and wobble too much;
4. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust;
5. And the maintenance costs are outrageous!!"
"Hmm, you may have some good points there," replied God, "hold on" God went to his Celestial super-computer, typed in a few words and waited for the results. The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it.
"Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed," God said to Arthur,"but according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention than yours.
Subject: HARLEY DAVIDSON
The inventor of the Harley-Davidson motorcycle, Arthur Davidson, died and went to heaven. At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur, "Since you've been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is,you can hang out with anyone you want in Heaven."
Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, "I want to hang out with God." St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room, and introduced him to God.
God recognized Arthur and commented, "Okay, so you were the one who invented motorcycles, eh?!" Arthur said, "Yeah, that's me..." God commented: "Well, what's the big deal in inventing something that's
pretty unstable, makes noise and pollution, and can't run without a road?!"
Arthur was apparently embarrassed, but finally spoke, "Excuse me, but aren't you the inventor of woman?"
God said, "Ah, yes."
"Well," said Arthur, "professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention:
1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusion;
2. It chatters constantly at high speeds;
3. Most of the rear ends are too soft and wobble too much;
4. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust;
5. And the maintenance costs are outrageous!!"
"Hmm, you may have some good points there," replied God, "hold on" God went to his Celestial super-computer, typed in a few words and waited for the results. The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it.
"Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed," God said to Arthur,"but according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention than yours.
Why ARE Men Happier?
Men Are Just Happier People-- What do you expect from such simple creatures? Your last name stays put.
The garage is all yours.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
Chocolate is just another snack. You can be President.
You can never be pregnant.
You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
You can wear NO shirt to a water park.
Car mechanics tell you the truth
The world is your urinal.
You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky.
You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
Same work, more pay.
Wrinkles add character.
Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental $100.
People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
You know stuff about tanks
A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
You can open all your own jars.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.
Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.
Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
You almost never have strap problems in public.
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
Everything on your face stays its original color.
The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
You only have to shave your face and neck.
You can play with toys all your life.
Your belly usually hides your big hips.
One wallet and one pair of shoes one color for all seasons.
You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.
You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife.
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.
Better yet, someone else does most of it for you.
No wonder men are happier.
Men Are Just Happier People-- What do you expect from such simple creatures? Your last name stays put.
The garage is all yours.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
Chocolate is just another snack. You can be President.
You can never be pregnant.
You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
You can wear NO shirt to a water park.
Car mechanics tell you the truth
The world is your urinal.
You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky.
You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
Same work, more pay.
Wrinkles add character.
Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental $100.
People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
You know stuff about tanks
A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
You can open all your own jars.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.
Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.
Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
You almost never have strap problems in public.
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
Everything on your face stays its original color.
The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
You only have to shave your face and neck.
You can play with toys all your life.
Your belly usually hides your big hips.
One wallet and one pair of shoes one color for all seasons.
You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.
You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife.
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.
Better yet, someone else does most of it for you.
No wonder men are happier.
I've seen two shows lately that went on and on about how mid-life is a great time for women.
Just last week Oprah had a whole show on how great menopause will be... Puhleeeeeeeze!
I've had a few thoughts of my own and would like to share them with you.
Whether you are pushing 40, 50, 60 (or maybe even just pushing your luck) you'll probably relate. Mid-life is when the growth of hair on our legs slows down. This gives us plenty of time to care for our newly acquired mustache. In mid-life women no longer have upper arms, we have wing spans. We are no longer women in sleeveless shirts, we are flying squirrels in drag.
Mid-life is when you can stand naked in front of a mirror and you can see your rear without turning around.
Mid-life is when you go for a mammogram and you realize that this is the only time someone will ask you to appear topless.
Mid-life is when you want to grab every firm young lovely in a tube top and scream, "Listen honey, even the Roman empire fell, and those will too."
Mid-life brings wisdom to know that life throws us curves and we're sitting on our biggest ones.
>>
Mid-life is when you look at your-know-it-all, beeper-wearing teenager and think: "For this I have stretch marks?"
In mid-life your memory starts to go. In fact the only thing we can retain is water. Mid-life means that your Body By Jake now includes Legs By Rand McNally -- more red and blue lines than an accurately scaled map of Wisconsin.
Mid-life means that you become more reflective...You start pondering the "big" questions.
What is life? ?Why am I here?
How much Healthy choice ice cream can I eat before it's no longer a healthy choice? But mid-life also brings with it an appreciation for what is important.
We realize that breasts sag, hips expand and chins double, but our loved ones make the journey worthwhile.
Would any of you trade the knowledge that you have now, for the body you had way back when? Maybe our bodies simply have to expand to hold all the wisdom and love we've acquired.
>>
>That's my philosophy and I'm sticking to it!
Just last week Oprah had a whole show on how great menopause will be... Puhleeeeeeeze!
I've had a few thoughts of my own and would like to share them with you.
Whether you are pushing 40, 50, 60 (or maybe even just pushing your luck) you'll probably relate. Mid-life is when the growth of hair on our legs slows down. This gives us plenty of time to care for our newly acquired mustache. In mid-life women no longer have upper arms, we have wing spans. We are no longer women in sleeveless shirts, we are flying squirrels in drag.
Mid-life is when you can stand naked in front of a mirror and you can see your rear without turning around.
Mid-life is when you go for a mammogram and you realize that this is the only time someone will ask you to appear topless.
Mid-life is when you want to grab every firm young lovely in a tube top and scream, "Listen honey, even the Roman empire fell, and those will too."
Mid-life brings wisdom to know that life throws us curves and we're sitting on our biggest ones.
>>
Mid-life is when you look at your-know-it-all, beeper-wearing teenager and think: "For this I have stretch marks?"
In mid-life your memory starts to go. In fact the only thing we can retain is water. Mid-life means that your Body By Jake now includes Legs By Rand McNally -- more red and blue lines than an accurately scaled map of Wisconsin.
Mid-life means that you become more reflective...You start pondering the "big" questions.
What is life? ?Why am I here?
How much Healthy choice ice cream can I eat before it's no longer a healthy choice? But mid-life also brings with it an appreciation for what is important.
We realize that breasts sag, hips expand and chins double, but our loved ones make the journey worthwhile.
Would any of you trade the knowledge that you have now, for the body you had way back when? Maybe our bodies simply have to expand to hold all the wisdom and love we've acquired.
>>
>That's my philosophy and I'm sticking to it!
INDISPUTABLE MATHEMATICAL LOGIC
Here's a little something some one sent me that is indisputable mathematical logic.
(It also made me Laugh Out Loud.) Remember, this is strictly a mathematical viewpoint. It goes like this: What Makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%.
How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life?
Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:
If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z
Is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.
Then:
H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%
And
K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%
But ,
A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%
And,
B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%
AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.
A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%
So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty, that whileHard work and Knowledge will get you close, andAttitude will get you there, it's theBullshit andAss kissingthat will put you over the top.
REMEMBER: SOME PEOPLE ARE ALIVE SIMPLY BECAUSE IT IS ILLEGAL TO SHOOT THEM
Here's a little something some one sent me that is indisputable mathematical logic.
(It also made me Laugh Out Loud.) Remember, this is strictly a mathematical viewpoint. It goes like this: What Makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%.
How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life?
Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:
If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z
Is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.
Then:
H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%
And
K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%
But ,
A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%
And,
B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%
AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.
A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%
So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty, that whileHard work and Knowledge will get you close, andAttitude will get you there, it's theBullshit andAss kissingthat will put you over the top.
REMEMBER: SOME PEOPLE ARE ALIVE SIMPLY BECAUSE IT IS ILLEGAL TO SHOOT THEM
My absolute favorite commercial. EVER.
"He was injured. Injured bad."
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F1OOyZ_YAZ0
<object width="480" height="385"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/F1OOyZ_YAZ0&hl ... ram><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"></param><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/F1OOyZ_YAZ0&hl ... fs=1&rel=0" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true" width="480" height="385"></embed></object>
"He was injured. Injured bad."
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F1OOyZ_YAZ0
<object width="480" height="385"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/F1OOyZ_YAZ0&hl ... ram><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"></param><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/F1OOyZ_YAZ0&hl ... fs=1&rel=0" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true" width="480" height="385"></embed></object>
*Another fine scatterbrained production
need someone to post this week"s jokes for Friday.
Wife & I going to a B & B this weekend http://www.woodbridgeinnofwoodstock.com/
for her 35 year class reunion. Come to Woodstock VT this Saturday @ 2pm you will see her in alumni parade (class of 75
)
http://www.woodstockvt.com/events.php?y=2010&m=6&d=12
Wife & I going to a B & B this weekend http://www.woodbridgeinnofwoodstock.com/
for her 35 year class reunion. Come to Woodstock VT this Saturday @ 2pm you will see her in alumni parade (class of 75
)http://www.woodstockvt.com/events.php?y=2010&m=6&d=12