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shoemak38 · Post by **shoemak38** » Thu Apr 15, 2010 6:27 pm

shoemak38 · Post by **shoemak38** » Thu Apr 15, 2010 6:29 pm

mindehankins · Post by **mindehankins** » Sat Apr 17, 2010 9:03 am

shoemak38 · Post by **shoemak38** » Thu Apr 22, 2010 5:43 pm

Bill and Sam, two elderly friends, met in the
park every day to feed the pigeons,
watch the squirrels and discuss world problems.

One day Bill didn't show up. Sam wasn't concerned; he thought Bill might
have a cold or some urgent appointment. But after Bill hadn't
shown up for a week or so, Sam really got worried. However,
since Sam didn't know where Bill lived (the only time they
ever got together was at the park) he was unable to find out
what had happened to him.
After a month had passed, Sam figured he had seen the last of Bill. On his next
visit to the park, however, Bill was sitting on their usual bench waiting for him.

Amazed and delighted, Sam exclaimed,
''For crying out loud Bill, what in the world happened to
you?''

Bill replied, ''I've been in jail.'

''Jail?'' cried Sam. ''You?! What on earth for?''

''Well,'' Bill said, ''you know Sue , that cute little blonde
waitress at the coffee shop where I sometimes go?''

''Yes,'' said Sam, ''I remember her. What about her?''

''Well, one day she filed rape charges against me.
At age 89, I was so proud that when I got into court, I pleaded ''guilty.''

''Then the judge gave me 30 days for perjury.''

shoemak38 · Post by **shoemak38** » Thu Apr 22, 2010 5:54 pm

YOU KNOW YOU'RE FROM MASSACHUSETTS IF:

You think if someone is nice to you they either want something or they are from out of town

The public transportation system is known as the "T" and you'd rather drive in
bumper to bumper traffic for 4 hours to get to Boston than be caught dead on the "Orange Line"

You could own a small town in Iowa for the cost of your house

There are 24 Dunkin Donuts shops within 15 minutes of your house and that
is how you give directions

If you stay on the same road long enough it eventually has three different names

53 degrees is "on the warm side"

You've walked to Brigham's for an ice cream cone "to go" in the snow

You cringe every time you hear some actor/actress imitate the"Boston Accent" on TV

You call chocolate sprinkles "jimmies"

A water fountain is called a bubbler. Say it " bubbla".

You can go from one side of town to the other in less than fifteen minutes

You know how to pronounce towns like Worcester, Haverhill, Peabody,
Scituate, Chatham, and Leominster

You know what they sell at a "packie"

You keep an ice scraper in your car all year round

Paranoia sets in when you can't see a Dunkin Donuts, ATM or CVS

You've pulled out of a side street and used your car
to block oncoming traffic so you can make a left

You've bragged about saving money at The Christmas Tree Shop

You know what a "regular coffee" is!

You can navigate a rotary without a problem

You use the words "wicked" "pissa" and "good" in the same sentence

You know what a frappe is

Saint Patrick's Day is your second favorite holiday

You drink tonic and would never consider using it on your hair

You never say "Cape Cod" you say "The Cape"

You went to Old Sturbridge Village and Plymouth Plantation at least once,
in elementary school, but never to Bunker Hill

You know the Mass Pike and 495 create some sort of strange weather dividing line

You actually get all these jokes and pass them on!

shoemak38 · Post by **shoemak38** » Thu Apr 22, 2010 6:10 pm

shoemak38 · Post by **shoemak38** » Thu Apr 22, 2010 6:12 pm

lark22 · Post by **lark22** » Thu Apr 22, 2010 6:18 pm

shoemak38 wrote:YOU KNOW YOU'RE FROM MASSACHUSETTS IF:
...You've pulled out of a side street and used your car
to block oncoming traffic so you can make a left

My husband was so happy to see this! He's from NY and this drives him crazy. I'm from MA, and never really noticed it until he complained about it, and now I see it all the time.

I don't ever, ever do it myself, of course.....

sea-nile · Post by **sea-nile** » Thu Apr 22, 2010 8:00 pm

shoemak38, I love those paintings!

LysaC · Post by **LysaC** » Fri Apr 23, 2010 9:30 am

"YOU KNOW YOU'RE FROM MASSACHUSETTS IF:

You think if someone is nice to you they either want something or they are from out of town."

Sad but true... Hahahaha!

Chet · Post by **Chet** » Tue Apr 27, 2010 11:19 am

shoemak38 wrote:YOU KNOW YOU'RE FROM MASSACHUSETTS IF:
You know how to pronounce towns like Worcester, Haverhill, Peabody, Scituate, Chatham, and Leominster

You know what they sell at a "packie"

You use the words "wicked" "pissa" and "good" in the same sentence

You know what a frappe is

You know you're from Rhode Island if you get it... I always keep Autocrat coffee syrup in the pantry.

shoemak38 · Post by **shoemak38** » Tue Apr 27, 2010 12:48 pm

A lawyer and a redneck are sitting next to each other on a long flight.
The lawyer asks if the redneck would like to play a fun game.
The redneck is tired and just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and tries to catch a few winks.
The lawyer persists, that the game is a lot of fun. 'I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me only $5; you ask me one, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500.
This catches the redneck's attention and to keep the lawyer quiet, the lawyer asks the first question. 'What's the distance from the earth to the moon?'
The redneck doesn't say a word, reaches in his pocket pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer.
Now, it's the redneck's turn. He asks the lawyer, 'What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?'
The lawyer uses his laptop , searches all references. He uses the Air phone; he searches the Net and even the Library of Congress. He sends e-mails to all the smart friends he knows, all to no avail.
After one hour of searching he finally gives up. He wakes up the redneck and hands him $500.
The redneck pockets the $500 goes right back to sleep.
The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer. He wakes the redneck up and asks, 'Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?'
The redneck reaches in his pocket, hands the lawyer $5 and goes back to sleep.

shoemak38 · Post by **shoemak38** » Tue Apr 27, 2010 12:49 pm

One day a farmer's donkey fell down into a well. The animal cried piteously for hours as the farmer tried to figure out what to do.
Finally, he decided the animal was old, and the well needed to be covered up anyway;
it just wasn't worth it to retrieve the donkey.
He invited all his neighbors to come over and help him. They all grabbed a shovel and began to shovel dirt into the well. At first, the donkey realized what was happening and cried horribly. Then, to everyone's amazement he quieted down.
A few shovel loads later, the farmer finally looked down the well. He was astonished at what he saw. With each shovel of dirt that hit his back, the donkey was doing something amazing.
He would shake it off and take a step up.
As the farmer's neighbors continued to shovel dirt on top of the animal, he would shake it off and take a step up.
Pretty soon, everyone was amazed as the donkey stepped up over the edge of the well and happily trotted off!
Life is going to shovel dirt on you, all kinds of dirt. The trick to getting out of the well is to shake it off and take a step up. Each of our troubles is a steppingstone. We can get out of the deepest wells just by not stopping, never giving up! Shake it off and take a step up.
Remember the five simple rules to be happy:
Free your heart from hatred - Forgive.
Free your mind from worries - Most never happen.
Live simply and appreciate what you have.

Give more.
Expect less

NOW ............

Enough of that crap . .. The donkey later came back,
and bit the farmer who had tried to bury him.
The gash from the bite got infected and
the farmer eventually died in agony from septic shock.

MORAL FROM TODAY'S LESSON:
When you do something wrong, and try to cover your ass, it always comes back to bite you.

linne · Post by **linne** » Wed Apr 28, 2010 7:54 am

Still enjoy this topic even though I'm not able to understand a few of the jokes.

Linne

shoemak38 · Post by **shoemak38** » Thu Apr 29, 2010 10:28 pm

Murder at Wal-Mart

So, here's the story:

Tired of constantly being broke and stuck in an unhappy marriage, a young husband decided to solve both problems by taking out a large insurance policy on his wife with himself as the beneficiary, and then arranging to have her killed.

A 'friend of a friend' put him in touch with a nefarious dark-side underworld figure who went by the name of 'Artie'. Artie then explained to the husband that his going price for snuffing out a spouse was $5,000.

The husband said he was willing to pay that amount, but that he wouldn't have any cash on hand until he could collect his wife's insurance money.

Artie insisted on being paid at least something up front, so the man opened his wallet, displaying the single dollar bill that rested inside. Artie sighed, rolled his eyes and reluctantly agreed to accept the dollar as down payment for the dirty deed.

A few days later, Artie followed the man's wife to the local Super Wal-Mart store. There, he surprised her in the produce department and proceeded to strangle her with his gloved hands and as the poor unsuspecting woman drew her last breath and slumped to the floor.

The manager of the produce department stumbled unexpectedly onto the murder scene.. Unwilling to leave any living witnesses behind, ol' Artie had no choice but to strangle the produce manager as well.

However, unknow n to Artie, the entire proceedings were captured by the hidden security cameras and observed by the store's security guard, who immediately called the police. Artie was caught and arrested before he could even leave the store.

Under intense questioning at the police station, Artie revealed the whole sordid plan, including his unusual financial arrangements with the hapless husband who was also quickly arrested.

The next day in the newspaper, the headline declared ...

" ARTIE CHOKES 2 for $1.00 AT WAL-MART! "

Oh, quit groaning!
I don't write this stuff..
I received it from a warped friend and then sent it on

usvi-on-line

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