usvi-on-line
When did you finally come to terms with your parents?
family
Thanks, Mrs Pete, for posting this question. I find this all fascinating. We've all got our baggage, good and bad, and it makes us who we are today. This discussion has reminded me yet again how very different, and yet how very similar we all are to one another. Kumbaya....
Wow - this is a loaded question. My dad died when I was 25. He was a good provider and many people loved his company. However, his family always seemed to come last. It wasn't that he failed to be around physically... he was just never checked in mentally or emotionally, either with his wife and kids or his extended family. Since he died 7 years ago, I've let go of the bad feelings. Did he do the best he could? I'll never know, but I'm grateful for what he did give me, which was a good roof over my head and a college education.
My mom is still alive but is very difficult. Hyper-critical of my sister and I, she is quick to point out flaws and slow to give compliments (like telling me at 28 weeks pregnant that I should lose a few pounds). I've come to terms with her. I'll never have a real mother-daughter relationship in that I can't rely on her for sound advice or to pick me up when I'm down, but she can help in limited ways, and I let her do that. I also try to provide some company to her, since she's lonely now that my dad is gone.
Where I failed to hit the lottery with my bio-parents, I hit it big time with my in-laws. They are wonderful, loving, open-minded, non-critical people who've allowed me to understand what a real family unit is supposed to be. Their influence is the reason I finally relented to starting a family with my husband after seven years of marriage. I wanted to be sure I knew and could do what was required of me as a parent, as far as emotional support and selflessness went. My husband has always accepted his parents and they have a great relationship - we see differently on many important topics (like religion), but our relationship doesn't suffer as a result. And, by the way, they were real parents, not pseudo "friend parents" that so many people now think is the way to go. Discipline was in the home.
My mom is still alive but is very difficult. Hyper-critical of my sister and I, she is quick to point out flaws and slow to give compliments (like telling me at 28 weeks pregnant that I should lose a few pounds). I've come to terms with her. I'll never have a real mother-daughter relationship in that I can't rely on her for sound advice or to pick me up when I'm down, but she can help in limited ways, and I let her do that. I also try to provide some company to her, since she's lonely now that my dad is gone.
Where I failed to hit the lottery with my bio-parents, I hit it big time with my in-laws. They are wonderful, loving, open-minded, non-critical people who've allowed me to understand what a real family unit is supposed to be. Their influence is the reason I finally relented to starting a family with my husband after seven years of marriage. I wanted to be sure I knew and could do what was required of me as a parent, as far as emotional support and selflessness went. My husband has always accepted his parents and they have a great relationship - we see differently on many important topics (like religion), but our relationship doesn't suffer as a result. And, by the way, they were real parents, not pseudo "friend parents" that so many people now think is the way to go. Discipline was in the home.
Cool question.
That said, I think it is inherent in children/teens/young adults to push their parents away. It's God's way of making us stand on our own, otherwise, we'd just live with our parents forever. That rebellion (whatever form it takes) usually involves a lot of mistakes and failures on both sides, but it's completely necessary. The peace returns when the child and parents learn to accept their new roles. Sometimes that happens at 20, sometimes 30, sometimes never. Just depends on both sides, I guess.
Wow, that pretty much describes me too. I was a tough kid to have. I was too smart for my own good and matured early. My parents were 100% naive, flaky, and lived a very chaotic lifestyle. I became pretty rebellious because I thought I was smarter than they were and could make better decisions for myself. They fought to protect me from my own bad decisions (they failed). I made terrible choices early on which nearly derailed my future. By the time I was in my early 20's, I realized Mom and Dad weren't so stupid, just different from me. I also realized that "everything my mother ever said was 100% true." I have remembered that ever since. Since my 20's, they have been two of my best friends in the world.liamsaunt wrote:I started causing stress and grief at a very young age, but they overeacted too. We had a pretty bad relationship and there were lots of mistakes on both sides. Once we all forgave each other--which happened when I was around 19 or 20--we formed a new understanding--more as friends than as parent-child.
That said, I think it is inherent in children/teens/young adults to push their parents away. It's God's way of making us stand on our own, otherwise, we'd just live with our parents forever. That rebellion (whatever form it takes) usually involves a lot of mistakes and failures on both sides, but it's completely necessary. The peace returns when the child and parents learn to accept their new roles. Sometimes that happens at 20, sometimes 30, sometimes never. Just depends on both sides, I guess.
Beer and minor league baseball (cue the Field of Dreams music) got my father and I together and made us admit our mistakes and learn from them. We're far more OK than I though we'd ever be when I was 17-20 years old. Acceptance was the first step towards reconciliation. Now they get to watch me screw up with my 2 kids.VickiH wrote:The peace returns when the child and parents learn to accept their new roles. Sometimes that happens at 20, sometimes 30, sometimes never. Just depends on both sides, I guess.
You know that is just bunk, right?Quote Pipanale:
Fast forward to 2004. My mother-in-law (who I had developed a wonderful relationship with) was dying. Times were not good for us. at the same time, my parents decided to separate. My mother called me and said that ever since I was born, she had never been happy and that I had caused all the problems they had for the 30+ previous years. Thanks Mom.
Our in-law experience is entirely different. But I guess most parents do the best with the knowledge they have at the time. Whether we agree or disagree I don’t think many are intentionally mistreating their children. I remind myself of this a lot. My in-laws adore my husband but they really—have issues—I should be sympathetic but it is difficult at times.Quote: AWL: Where I failed to hit the lottery with my bio-parents, I hit it big time with my in-laws. They are wonderful, loving, open-minded, non-critical people who've allowed me to understand what a real family unit is supposed to be.
Really interesting thread...
I'm very much like LysaC with the father situation. He was just not a nice man in many ways to my brother or my mom-though I think he was easier on me. I just remember lots of bad times, and not many good. I came to realize when I became an adult that dealing with him wasn't worth the stress involved. He wasn't invited to my wedding; when my husband first met him a year or so later, literally the first thing my father said was "she never did know her a** from a hole in the ground".
So my husband got to see why he hadn't met him until that point.
Both my parents passed away in the mid 1990's. My mom was a wonderful, strong woman who only stayed married for the kids, and finally literally ran away from home when I was in college. She and I were very close friends; I always loved and respected her greatly and she knew it always. I was afraid of my father-I didn't respect him though. I think as I've grown older I've realized that perhaps a lot of my father's issues were from his youth-he joined the army at 17 to go into WWII and fought in the Philippines. I can't even begin to imagine doing that so young or how much it affected him. I would have liked to have known him more at my adult stage-I think he was a very troubled man and I might have been able to deal better with it now.
I'm very much like LysaC with the father situation. He was just not a nice man in many ways to my brother or my mom-though I think he was easier on me. I just remember lots of bad times, and not many good. I came to realize when I became an adult that dealing with him wasn't worth the stress involved. He wasn't invited to my wedding; when my husband first met him a year or so later, literally the first thing my father said was "she never did know her a** from a hole in the ground".
So my husband got to see why he hadn't met him until that point. Both my parents passed away in the mid 1990's. My mom was a wonderful, strong woman who only stayed married for the kids, and finally literally ran away from home when I was in college. She and I were very close friends; I always loved and respected her greatly and she knew it always. I was afraid of my father-I didn't respect him though. I think as I've grown older I've realized that perhaps a lot of my father's issues were from his youth-he joined the army at 17 to go into WWII and fought in the Philippines. I can't even begin to imagine doing that so young or how much it affected him. I would have liked to have known him more at my adult stage-I think he was a very troubled man and I might have been able to deal better with it now.
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Marcia (Mrs. Pete)
- Posts: 1576
- Joined: Mon Aug 07, 2006 9:40 pm
- Location: Madison Area, Wisconsin
Thank you, everyone, for such thoughtful responses. The reason why I asked this is that last night one of our kids lashed out with some incredibly hurtful words which absolutely floored us. It was over the phone, so maybe the "filter" that would have been there had this conversation occurred in person wasn't there. In any event, it got me thinking about my own relationship with my parents. And, it got me thinking about when I truly came to respect and appreciate all that they did to raise me.
I was not a particularly rebellious teenager but there were choices I made that my parents did not agree with. We rarely, if ever, raised our voices with each other though. Generally, they would simply let me know they were disappointed in me. Bleuch. I hated that.
At 17, I went away to college (Madison, Wisconsin) and they moved to Knoxville, Tennessee. I was clearly leaving the nest for good. The adjustment was easy for me though because they raised me to be independent, motivated and confident. That fall, I truly understood why they made the parenting choices they did and I was extremely grateful for it. I wrote a long, long letter to them, thanking them for everything. To this day, my father still talks about how much that meant to them.
I guess I'm secretly hoping for similar appreciation some day, from all of our children. Until then, we plug along and do the best we can. And know, it wasn't the child talking last night, it was the teen angst.
I was not a particularly rebellious teenager but there were choices I made that my parents did not agree with. We rarely, if ever, raised our voices with each other though. Generally, they would simply let me know they were disappointed in me. Bleuch. I hated that.
At 17, I went away to college (Madison, Wisconsin) and they moved to Knoxville, Tennessee. I was clearly leaving the nest for good. The adjustment was easy for me though because they raised me to be independent, motivated and confident. That fall, I truly understood why they made the parenting choices they did and I was extremely grateful for it. I wrote a long, long letter to them, thanking them for everything. To this day, my father still talks about how much that meant to them.
I guess I'm secretly hoping for similar appreciation some day, from all of our children. Until then, we plug along and do the best we can. And know, it wasn't the child talking last night, it was the teen angst.
Marcia (Mrs. Pete)
Missing St. John. As always.
Missing St. John. As always.
Marcia, I'm a juvenile court prosecutor, and I see teens every day with varying criminal problems and parent issues. Here's what I can tell you about teens, and it is honestly true - their brains are NOT fully developed yet, and I see evidence of that every day.
Science has proven that teens, even those who are very intelligent and driven, are impulsive. This extends to both what they do (like breaking in to a house) and what they say (like telling off mom and dad or mouthing off to the principal). I think most teens go through a rebellion stage and start appreciating their parents in late college - junior or senior year, so somewhere around 21 or 22. That's just been my experience with my friends.
Science has proven that teens, even those who are very intelligent and driven, are impulsive. This extends to both what they do (like breaking in to a house) and what they say (like telling off mom and dad or mouthing off to the principal). I think most teens go through a rebellion stage and start appreciating their parents in late college - junior or senior year, so somewhere around 21 or 22. That's just been my experience with my friends.
marcia-
i was very rebellious & different when i was a teenager. if my mother had put restrictions on me- on how i looked or how my friends looked or what kind of music i listed to or the subject area i chose to pursue (theatre), it would've been a major battle. i saw those battles happen everyday between my friends and their parents.
it's great to want the best for your children and commendable to think that you know what's best for them but sometimes they need to spread their wings and do it their own way- not the way you think is the best way.
i was very rebellious & different when i was a teenager. if my mother had put restrictions on me- on how i looked or how my friends looked or what kind of music i listed to or the subject area i chose to pursue (theatre), it would've been a major battle. i saw those battles happen everyday between my friends and their parents.
it's great to want the best for your children and commendable to think that you know what's best for them but sometimes they need to spread their wings and do it their own way- not the way you think is the best way.
I can really relate to the above as my father was a WWII refugee. Family lost everything but the clothes on their backs, lived outside in constant fear, really bad stuff.flip-flop wrote: My husband had a very respectful but distant relationship with his parents. He's a 1st generation kid. Having fled Vietnam, his parents were focused on surviving and rebuilding their lives not so much his "feelings" or activities. If he had food and shelter he should consider himself lucky, kind of thinking. He is a very resilient guy and not at all resentful. He was more so as a kid, but he gets it now looking back. They VERY MUCH wanted him to be a doctor and I knew him when he hit his turning point in college, around 2nd year, he realized he was his own person and had to do what made him happy.
Food and shelter? Darn right you better consider yourself lucky and don't you DARE think about throwing out that bread crust, EAT IT!
(Thankfully, he was a very warm and loving father)
The war experience most definately shaped his entire life. My dad had never came to my school events (well, maybe once or twice) and considered school a minor annoyance, something to merely get thru until you started your real life.
My dad all but insisted I join the Army right out of high school. Had he been able to legally sign me up on his own, I have no doubt in my mind he would have and then delivered me to the bus station the day after graduation. He felt that strongly about it.
Mom had very different ideas and I went straight to college. He still held on to the hope that I would join out of college. The fact that I never did likely still bothers him greatly.
Marcia, hang in there. This too shall pass.
Every now and then when my teens give me an especially hard time I remind myself that I am not their friend. If they are miffed at me it is probably because I am doing my job.
I love them to pieces and I would do anything I can for them but I am not their friend.
GG
Every now and then when my teens give me an especially hard time I remind myself that I am not their friend. If they are miffed at me it is probably because I am doing my job.
I love them to pieces and I would do anything I can for them but I am not their friend.
GG
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mindehankins
- Posts: 3014
- Joined: Fri Mar 06, 2009 8:21 am
- Location: Western NY State
Wow, what a thought provoking question! I had to think for hours about it. I was grateful, not respectful, and came to terms with them in my own mind, in my mid 30s.
I was adopted at age 11. I was immensely grateful, so I was an easy child and teen. I never "had words" with my parents. I was a pleaser. But I didn't respect or admire them. I think I parented more than they did. When I was 19, I walked out, and didn't communicate with them for quite awhile.
When I became a parent, almost 10 years later, I felt even more grateful that they'd provided me with a home and food, and some love, but I vowed to do it better.
I thought I HAD done it better, until last year when my daughter was 19 and went off the deep end. Now I don't know. I hope so.
I was adopted at age 11. I was immensely grateful, so I was an easy child and teen. I never "had words" with my parents. I was a pleaser. But I didn't respect or admire them. I think I parented more than they did. When I was 19, I walked out, and didn't communicate with them for quite awhile.
When I became a parent, almost 10 years later, I felt even more grateful that they'd provided me with a home and food, and some love, but I vowed to do it better.
I thought I HAD done it better, until last year when my daughter was 19 and went off the deep end. Now I don't know. I hope so.