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54b's STJ Trip Diary (June 8 - Travel Day)
54b's STJ Trip Diary (June 8 - Travel Day)
This forum provided my wife and I with such great info before our trip to STJ, hopefully I can give back with a few laughs...
The following is a detailed (read: verbose) trip diary for the week of June 7 – 14:
Sunday, June 7 (Travel Day) – “St. John is an attitude, not a destination.”
4:02am - There are only three legitimate reasons to be up this early on a Sunday morning: Making a baby, Having a baby, and Leaving for the airport to catch a 6am flight to the Virgin Islands. “True dat mon.”
4:49am – In preparation for the ultra-polite St. John culture, my wife is being overly friendly and practicing her pleasantries on a very groggy and nonplussed TSA Agent at the airport security checkpoint…no doubt they will search our bags for pyramid scheme cosmetics or contraband copies of The Book of Mormon.
6:29am – Pouring a little bit of my ginger ale from the drink cart into the seat pocket barf bag to pay homage to the travel god “homies” for our on-time departure to Miami…just a tip, I find that they prefer Canada Dry over Schwepps..
8:27am – Actual conversation with the flight attendant…
“Good morning (still practicing), since this is the same plane going on to St. Thomas, will we be able to get off during the layover in Miami?
(Very indignantly) “You have to get off the plane.”
“I’ll take that as a yes…can I use my same boarding pass to get back on the plane?”
“If you still have it.”
(Turning to my wife) “Wow, if she’s on our plane, who’s running hell?”
STJ TRAVEL MYTH BUSTER #1: Cordial salutations are NOT always reciprocated with kindly service…and most especially not with non-West Indian flight attendants who are overworked and under-caffeinated.
10:27am EST – Sippin’ Mojitos at Tradewinds Bar in Terminal D at the Miami Airport…too early for hard alcohol? Never. Here’s a tip, alwasy set a brisk drinking pace early on vacation if you want to show your liver who’s the boss.
11:32am – “Excuse me while I light my spliff”…halfway through Marley’s Easy Skankin’ (Song #17 on 54b’s iPod STJ Chill Mix) when a much nicer flight attendant (yea, shift change) informs me that we have to stow away all approved electrical devices because we’re ready for an on-time departure for St. Thomas…heck yes, and you people laughed at me for sacrificing a little ginger ale to the travel homies.
1:37pm – Oh the humanity when the first blast of humidity hits you in the face while deplaning and descending the stairs to the tarmac in St. Thomas…it’s as if millions of sweat pores all cried out at once, “release the pounds.” In fact I’m pretty sure I lost a dress size walking to baggage claim (if I wore dresses, which of course I never do, unless of course I’ve got good lighting and no judging).
1:39pm – Waiting for our ONE AND ONLY bag (left the underwear at home, yeah baby – thanks forum) to come down the conveyer belt while downing a couple of free rum shots (okay five or six but who’s counting…um, the now frowning Cruzan Rum Rep, that’s who…whoops) when I think to myself, wouldn’t the world be a better place if the Cruzan people installed a whole lot more of these free shot stands all over the place…like down at the DMV, next to voting booths, at the Proctologist’s office…let’s make this happen, people. BTW, do yourself a “flavor” and buy a 5th of the Coconut Cruzan, it’s good stuff…jury’s still out on the Mango. Sorry, it just didn’t percolate my pallet the way I thought it should.
2:12pm – Receiving salvation while listening to a radio evangelist testify for the duration of our taxi ride, which was appropriate considering our harrowing journey via the steep route to Red Hook included no less than 16 brushes with death and small farm animals…seriously, by the time we got to the dock, I was ready to confess all my sins by throwing up all the rum I’d previously been thankful for.
3:16pm – Sitting up top the ferry and switching to guns by sipping on something with a little less toxicity, Red Stripes (in plastic cups! – learned that one the hard way, sorry mon) cruising ever closer to St. John and thinking, you know, Cruz Bay is kind of like the Disney Land of drinking…but 54b, there are no roller coasters in Cruz Bay…yeah, go drive up and over Jacob’s Ladder on South Shore road after it rains and call me after you’ve changed your underwear.
3:44 – Speaking of automotive phobias, I’m now walking reverently to the car rental place practicing my best choir boy comportment, humming Amazing Grace, and biting down on an olive branch because I’d read on the forum that doing any less would incur the wrath of Conrad Sutton, the meanest mother trucker in the Caribbean.
STJ TRAVEL MYTH BUSTER #2: Conrad Sutton is NOT something akin to the Soup Nazi from the Seinfeld TV series…while it’s true that the man is not the friendliest soul in the West Indies and can be a little abrupt at times (especially when he knows your about to take the front bumper of his jeep off executing a 19-point turn in his diminutive, vertigo inducing parking lot), I can tell you with no hesitation that he really is a good guy…we parked in his lot nearly every night and he was almost always there to help us and turn our car around so it was easier to leave later in the evening. Plus, his daughter Carmen is the epitome of Caribbean gentility and a soft shoulder to cry on after your wife kicks your butt on the Reef Bay Trail (she said it happens to a lot of guys…excuse me, tear drop). Highly recommend Conrad Sutton’s though.
4:05pm – Taking the tour of the Meritage Cottage from Gus, our villa host with most…it’s a great, little place over off of Chocolate Hole East, sort of like a Mother-In-Law Suite without the noisy humidifier, annoying little dog, and constant nagging. Truth be told, it’s not one of those Travel & Leisure 8-page photo spread, villa gravity inducing villas that everyone creams their Keens over, but for couples on a budget that plan to spend a lot of time out and about, it’s perfect. Plus, it’s got a hot tub and a great view of Hart Bay. Oh, and because the adjoining Meritage Great House was unoccupied, we got to use the pool…so we had that going for us, which is nice. Thank you Gus, congrats to you and your wife on the new baby.
BTW, Gus’ wife had the line of the trip regarding whether or not to use the condiments left in villa fridges…”stick a knife in it…if the knife falls over, use it, if it sticks, run!”
5::21pm – Stopped in to say hello to Ruth at St. John Spice…
How I meant to greet Ruth (especially after all my politeness practice): “Good evening, you must be Ruth from the forum, it’s so nice to meet you in person.”
What I blurted out instead: “Me 54b, you ruth, on the forum, meet you nice, hi, hello.”
Epic fail…dat’s true mon.
After my incoherent outburst, I thought Ruth was reaching down to grab a can of Mace…fortunately, she came back up with a “Didn’t I Call Your Mother a Fertile Mongoose On The Forum” klozy instead, which was very nice.
Cruz Bay is very lucky to have Ruth as their unofficial greeter to STJ newbs and vets alike, as they walk in from the dock. And STJ Spice is a definite must…try the “Kiss of the Jumbie” coffee and the all-in-one grill rub grab bag…it’s like potpourri for carnivores and guaranteed to ward of vampires, vegans, and vegetitus.
5:47pm – Time to kill the pain at The Beach Bar…”hello my little Caribbean aperitif…don’t be afraid, you won’t be alone for long.” Yes, I like to talk to my drinks. That way, when they start talking back, I know when to stop. (can I get rim shot).
Just A Tip: Not exactly a news flash, but try the Lime N’Coconut…besides temporary love connections (inspired by the well-endowed lead singer of The Ish no doubt), I think it’s the best thing they make at The Beach Bar.
6:42pm – Wife is dragging me out of The Beach Bar to make the Centerline Road Drive over to Miss Lucy’s for dinner and the Full Moon Party…cool place, best dinner patio dinner view…fixed menu, wife had the swine, I had the Wahoo, dig on the plantains. Unfortunately, by 9pm, I’d had it (hey, 4am departure, remember) and the only full moon I wanted to see at that point was my wife’s butt in the hot tub.
10ish pm – Passed out sawing Red Woods like I hadn’t slept in months…I was totally relaxed thanks to being on St. John again (of course polishing off 2/3 of the Curzan Coconut in the hot tub didn’t hurt either…smooth).
Coming Sooner Or Later – Day 1 – Chasing The Rum Runner
The following is a detailed (read: verbose) trip diary for the week of June 7 – 14:
Sunday, June 7 (Travel Day) – “St. John is an attitude, not a destination.”
4:02am - There are only three legitimate reasons to be up this early on a Sunday morning: Making a baby, Having a baby, and Leaving for the airport to catch a 6am flight to the Virgin Islands. “True dat mon.”
4:49am – In preparation for the ultra-polite St. John culture, my wife is being overly friendly and practicing her pleasantries on a very groggy and nonplussed TSA Agent at the airport security checkpoint…no doubt they will search our bags for pyramid scheme cosmetics or contraband copies of The Book of Mormon.
6:29am – Pouring a little bit of my ginger ale from the drink cart into the seat pocket barf bag to pay homage to the travel god “homies” for our on-time departure to Miami…just a tip, I find that they prefer Canada Dry over Schwepps..
8:27am – Actual conversation with the flight attendant…
“Good morning (still practicing), since this is the same plane going on to St. Thomas, will we be able to get off during the layover in Miami?
(Very indignantly) “You have to get off the plane.”
“I’ll take that as a yes…can I use my same boarding pass to get back on the plane?”
“If you still have it.”
(Turning to my wife) “Wow, if she’s on our plane, who’s running hell?”
STJ TRAVEL MYTH BUSTER #1: Cordial salutations are NOT always reciprocated with kindly service…and most especially not with non-West Indian flight attendants who are overworked and under-caffeinated.
10:27am EST – Sippin’ Mojitos at Tradewinds Bar in Terminal D at the Miami Airport…too early for hard alcohol? Never. Here’s a tip, alwasy set a brisk drinking pace early on vacation if you want to show your liver who’s the boss.
11:32am – “Excuse me while I light my spliff”…halfway through Marley’s Easy Skankin’ (Song #17 on 54b’s iPod STJ Chill Mix) when a much nicer flight attendant (yea, shift change) informs me that we have to stow away all approved electrical devices because we’re ready for an on-time departure for St. Thomas…heck yes, and you people laughed at me for sacrificing a little ginger ale to the travel homies.
1:37pm – Oh the humanity when the first blast of humidity hits you in the face while deplaning and descending the stairs to the tarmac in St. Thomas…it’s as if millions of sweat pores all cried out at once, “release the pounds.” In fact I’m pretty sure I lost a dress size walking to baggage claim (if I wore dresses, which of course I never do, unless of course I’ve got good lighting and no judging).
1:39pm – Waiting for our ONE AND ONLY bag (left the underwear at home, yeah baby – thanks forum) to come down the conveyer belt while downing a couple of free rum shots (okay five or six but who’s counting…um, the now frowning Cruzan Rum Rep, that’s who…whoops) when I think to myself, wouldn’t the world be a better place if the Cruzan people installed a whole lot more of these free shot stands all over the place…like down at the DMV, next to voting booths, at the Proctologist’s office…let’s make this happen, people. BTW, do yourself a “flavor” and buy a 5th of the Coconut Cruzan, it’s good stuff…jury’s still out on the Mango. Sorry, it just didn’t percolate my pallet the way I thought it should.
2:12pm – Receiving salvation while listening to a radio evangelist testify for the duration of our taxi ride, which was appropriate considering our harrowing journey via the steep route to Red Hook included no less than 16 brushes with death and small farm animals…seriously, by the time we got to the dock, I was ready to confess all my sins by throwing up all the rum I’d previously been thankful for.
3:16pm – Sitting up top the ferry and switching to guns by sipping on something with a little less toxicity, Red Stripes (in plastic cups! – learned that one the hard way, sorry mon) cruising ever closer to St. John and thinking, you know, Cruz Bay is kind of like the Disney Land of drinking…but 54b, there are no roller coasters in Cruz Bay…yeah, go drive up and over Jacob’s Ladder on South Shore road after it rains and call me after you’ve changed your underwear.
3:44 – Speaking of automotive phobias, I’m now walking reverently to the car rental place practicing my best choir boy comportment, humming Amazing Grace, and biting down on an olive branch because I’d read on the forum that doing any less would incur the wrath of Conrad Sutton, the meanest mother trucker in the Caribbean.
STJ TRAVEL MYTH BUSTER #2: Conrad Sutton is NOT something akin to the Soup Nazi from the Seinfeld TV series…while it’s true that the man is not the friendliest soul in the West Indies and can be a little abrupt at times (especially when he knows your about to take the front bumper of his jeep off executing a 19-point turn in his diminutive, vertigo inducing parking lot), I can tell you with no hesitation that he really is a good guy…we parked in his lot nearly every night and he was almost always there to help us and turn our car around so it was easier to leave later in the evening. Plus, his daughter Carmen is the epitome of Caribbean gentility and a soft shoulder to cry on after your wife kicks your butt on the Reef Bay Trail (she said it happens to a lot of guys…excuse me, tear drop). Highly recommend Conrad Sutton’s though.
4:05pm – Taking the tour of the Meritage Cottage from Gus, our villa host with most…it’s a great, little place over off of Chocolate Hole East, sort of like a Mother-In-Law Suite without the noisy humidifier, annoying little dog, and constant nagging. Truth be told, it’s not one of those Travel & Leisure 8-page photo spread, villa gravity inducing villas that everyone creams their Keens over, but for couples on a budget that plan to spend a lot of time out and about, it’s perfect. Plus, it’s got a hot tub and a great view of Hart Bay. Oh, and because the adjoining Meritage Great House was unoccupied, we got to use the pool…so we had that going for us, which is nice. Thank you Gus, congrats to you and your wife on the new baby.
BTW, Gus’ wife had the line of the trip regarding whether or not to use the condiments left in villa fridges…”stick a knife in it…if the knife falls over, use it, if it sticks, run!”
5::21pm – Stopped in to say hello to Ruth at St. John Spice…
How I meant to greet Ruth (especially after all my politeness practice): “Good evening, you must be Ruth from the forum, it’s so nice to meet you in person.”
What I blurted out instead: “Me 54b, you ruth, on the forum, meet you nice, hi, hello.”
Epic fail…dat’s true mon.
After my incoherent outburst, I thought Ruth was reaching down to grab a can of Mace…fortunately, she came back up with a “Didn’t I Call Your Mother a Fertile Mongoose On The Forum” klozy instead, which was very nice.
Cruz Bay is very lucky to have Ruth as their unofficial greeter to STJ newbs and vets alike, as they walk in from the dock. And STJ Spice is a definite must…try the “Kiss of the Jumbie” coffee and the all-in-one grill rub grab bag…it’s like potpourri for carnivores and guaranteed to ward of vampires, vegans, and vegetitus.
5:47pm – Time to kill the pain at The Beach Bar…”hello my little Caribbean aperitif…don’t be afraid, you won’t be alone for long.” Yes, I like to talk to my drinks. That way, when they start talking back, I know when to stop. (can I get rim shot).
Just A Tip: Not exactly a news flash, but try the Lime N’Coconut…besides temporary love connections (inspired by the well-endowed lead singer of The Ish no doubt), I think it’s the best thing they make at The Beach Bar.
6:42pm – Wife is dragging me out of The Beach Bar to make the Centerline Road Drive over to Miss Lucy’s for dinner and the Full Moon Party…cool place, best dinner patio dinner view…fixed menu, wife had the swine, I had the Wahoo, dig on the plantains. Unfortunately, by 9pm, I’d had it (hey, 4am departure, remember) and the only full moon I wanted to see at that point was my wife’s butt in the hot tub.
10ish pm – Passed out sawing Red Woods like I hadn’t slept in months…I was totally relaxed thanks to being on St. John again (of course polishing off 2/3 of the Curzan Coconut in the hot tub didn’t hurt either…smooth).
Coming Sooner Or Later – Day 1 – Chasing The Rum Runner
It’s not about yesterday or tomorrow...It’s about today, for come what may – Sun, rain, or hurricane – we've only time for a smile, and none for sorrow
Unfortunately, by 9pm, I’d had it (hey, 4am departure, remember) and the only full moon I wanted to see at that point was my wife’s butt in the hot tub.
Definitely on my list of classic USVI Forum lines ever! Great, hilarious report.
Trip report 2009
http://www.virgin-islands-on-line.com/f ... highlight=
Trip report 2008
So good, so good, so good!
http://www.virgin-islands-on-line.com/f ... highlight=
http://www.virgin-islands-on-line.com/f ... highlight=
Trip report 2008
So good, so good, so good!
http://www.virgin-islands-on-line.com/f ... highlight=
you have made me LAUGH, smile, remember, and look forward to the next in this very comic diary...don't stop!
Thanks!!!
Thanks!!!
Last edited by lprof on Thu Jun 18, 2009 3:51 pm, edited 1 time in total.
... no longer a stranger to paradise
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mindehankins
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Boston Mike
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Commando 54b! Maybe that's why Carmen is always so happy to see us!?
That was an ambitious first day... that you're still able to type is a good sign! The last time we had that much fun on our first day my 10 year old had to hold my hand on the walk to the car from Shipwreck Landing! Sweet Christine gets to drive once in a while...
Cheers, RickG
That was an ambitious first day... that you're still able to type is a good sign! The last time we had that much fun on our first day my 10 year old had to hold my hand on the walk to the car from Shipwreck Landing! Sweet Christine gets to drive once in a while...
Cheers, RickG
S/V Echoes - Coral Bay - St. John, VI
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piscesgirl0314
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