usvi-on-line
Need a laugh?
Re: Need a laugh?
My goal hundred thousand views by year-end 
So a few extra jokes
A minister, a lawyer and a biologist were discussing whether it was a
good idea to have a mistress.
The minister said "No, it goes against my beliefs"
The lawyer said "No, too many legal complications"
The biologist said "Having a mistress is a _great_ idea. I can tell my
wife that I am going to see my mistress, I can tell my mistress that I
am going to see my wife, and then I can go TO THE LAB!"
So a few extra jokes
A minister, a lawyer and a biologist were discussing whether it was a
good idea to have a mistress.
The minister said "No, it goes against my beliefs"
The lawyer said "No, too many legal complications"
The biologist said "Having a mistress is a _great_ idea. I can tell my
wife that I am going to see my mistress, I can tell my mistress that I
am going to see my wife, and then I can go TO THE LAB!"
Re: Need a laugh?
Oh I forgot to add today's theme revolves around microbiologists 
And don't blame me for the quality I have limited sources
In that vein here is the next one
STREAKING PERMITTED !!!
MICROBIOLOGIST DO IT WITH A LOOP !!!
Did you hear about the famous microbiologist who traveled in thirty different countries and learned to speak six languages? He was a man of many cultures.
Q: What was the biologist wearing on his first date with a hot chick?
A: Designer jeans.
And don't blame me for the quality I have limited sources
In that vein here is the next one
STREAKING PERMITTED !!!
MICROBIOLOGIST DO IT WITH A LOOP !!!
Did you hear about the famous microbiologist who traveled in thirty different countries and learned to speak six languages? He was a man of many cultures.
Q: What was the biologist wearing on his first date with a hot chick?
A: Designer jeans.
Last edited by shoemak38 on Mon Dec 09, 2013 9:37 am, edited 1 time in total.
Re: Need a laugh?
Top Ten Reasons for becoming a Microbiologist. THIS IS NOT MY ORIGINAL
WORK and credit should go to whoever's it is:
10. Couldn't get in to medical school, but wanted to wear a white coat.
(we like to change this line to "Didn't want to get in to ....)
9. Always wanted to split their genes in public
8. Good Job prospoects at Jurassic Park
7. Exciting social life with exciting single celled micro-organisms
6. Work with radioactive materials renders night light unnecessary
5. Wanted to hang out with wild-types
4. Like to follow recipes with agar and other essential nutrients
3. Thought DNA stood for Do Nothing at All
2. Thought electrophoresis would clear up their complexion
and the Number One reason:
1. Easy Access to 200 proof ethanol!!!!!
WORK and credit should go to whoever's it is:
10. Couldn't get in to medical school, but wanted to wear a white coat.
(we like to change this line to "Didn't want to get in to ....)
9. Always wanted to split their genes in public
8. Good Job prospoects at Jurassic Park
7. Exciting social life with exciting single celled micro-organisms
6. Work with radioactive materials renders night light unnecessary
5. Wanted to hang out with wild-types
4. Like to follow recipes with agar and other essential nutrients
3. Thought DNA stood for Do Nothing at All
2. Thought electrophoresis would clear up their complexion
and the Number One reason:
1. Easy Access to 200 proof ethanol!!!!!
Re: Need a laugh?
After 43 years, he continues to say " I have to go to the lab and..." Should I wonder about that???shoemak38 wrote:My goal hundred thousand views by year-end
So a few extra jokes
A minister, a lawyer and a biologist were discussing whether it was a
good idea to have a mistress.
The minister said "No, it goes against my beliefs"
The lawyer said "No, too many legal complications"
The biologist said "Having a mistress is a _great_ idea. I can tell my
wife that I am going to see my mistress, I can tell my mistress that I
am going to see my wife, and then I can go TO THE LAB!"
... no longer a stranger to paradise
Re: Need a laugh?
shoemak38 wrote:Oh I forgot to add today's theme revolves around microbiologists
And don't blame me for the quality I have limited sources
In that vein here is the next one
STREAKING PERMITTED !!!
These days, only on STJ!
MICROBIOLOGIST DO IT WITH A LOOP !!!
Not touching that one........
Did you hear about the famous microbiologist who traveled in thirty different countries and learned to speak six languages? He was a man of many cultures.
Ha
Q: What was the biologist wearing on his first date with a hot chick?
A: Designer jeans.
Still his choice! Not for dates with the hot chick though.....
... no longer a stranger to paradise
Re: Need a laugh?
today it's surveyors
A young woman gets hired to an all male survey crew. The men decide to give the woman a hard time, so they revert back to using hand signals to communicate. On the first day, the woman is standing around the truck, when the crew chief who is 100 feet away uses the following hand signals -
(Puts right hand horizontally above eyes, looks left and right, puts hand and arm down by his side, then does an up-down motion with the hand while elbow at side)
The woman shrugs her shoulders, walks to the crew chief, and says "I don't understand that signal".
The crew chief says "Where is the hammer"?
The woman walks back to the truck, finds the hammer, takes it back to the chief, and then walks back to the truck.
A few minutes later, the chief signals -
(Puts right hand horizontally above eyes, looks left and right, puts arm straight above his head, then moves his whole arm left and right)
The woman guesses the crew chief is playing tricks on her and decides to give the following signal -
(Points finger to eye, grabs her left breast, points to her butt and then grabs her crotch).
The chief is totally confused, so he repeats the "where is the flag" signal.
The woman repeats the same signal -
(Points finger to eye, grabs her left breast, points to her butt and then grabs her crotch).
Now the crew chief is mad, so he waves the woman over and asks "What the heck was that signal"?
The woman repeats the signal as she responds "I, left it, in, the box"
A young woman gets hired to an all male survey crew. The men decide to give the woman a hard time, so they revert back to using hand signals to communicate. On the first day, the woman is standing around the truck, when the crew chief who is 100 feet away uses the following hand signals -
(Puts right hand horizontally above eyes, looks left and right, puts hand and arm down by his side, then does an up-down motion with the hand while elbow at side)
The woman shrugs her shoulders, walks to the crew chief, and says "I don't understand that signal".
The crew chief says "Where is the hammer"?
The woman walks back to the truck, finds the hammer, takes it back to the chief, and then walks back to the truck.
A few minutes later, the chief signals -
(Puts right hand horizontally above eyes, looks left and right, puts arm straight above his head, then moves his whole arm left and right)
The woman guesses the crew chief is playing tricks on her and decides to give the following signal -
(Points finger to eye, grabs her left breast, points to her butt and then grabs her crotch).
The chief is totally confused, so he repeats the "where is the flag" signal.
The woman repeats the same signal -
(Points finger to eye, grabs her left breast, points to her butt and then grabs her crotch).
Now the crew chief is mad, so he waves the woman over and asks "What the heck was that signal"?
The woman repeats the signal as she responds "I, left it, in, the box"
Last edited by shoemak38 on Tue Dec 10, 2013 12:25 pm, edited 1 time in total.
Re: Need a laugh?
Government surveyors came to Ole's farm in the fall and asked if they could do some surveying.
Ole agreed and Lena even served them a nice meal at noon time.
The next spring, the two surveyors stopped by and told Ole, "Because you were so kind to us, we wanted to give you this bad news in person instead of by letter.
Ole replied, "What's the bad news?
The surveyors stated, "Well, after our work we discovered your farm is not in Iowa, but is actually in South Dakota!"
Ole looked at Lena and said," That's the best news I have heard in a long time, why I just told Lena this morning, I don't think I can take another winter in Iowa."
Ole agreed and Lena even served them a nice meal at noon time.
The next spring, the two surveyors stopped by and told Ole, "Because you were so kind to us, we wanted to give you this bad news in person instead of by letter.
Ole replied, "What's the bad news?
The surveyors stated, "Well, after our work we discovered your farm is not in Iowa, but is actually in South Dakota!"
Ole looked at Lena and said," That's the best news I have heard in a long time, why I just told Lena this morning, I don't think I can take another winter in Iowa."
Re: Need a laugh?
Responsibilities -
* Draftsmen draft the toilet partitions.
* Designers determine which color of toilet paper to use in the stalls.
* Specification Writers determine which brand of toilet paper will be used.
* Architects argue about using single-ply or double-ply then have to hire an engineer to make the decision for them.
* CAD Managers keep the stalls supplied with toilet paper and wipe up after everybody's mess
A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts: "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised my friend I would meet him half an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."
The man below says: "Yes you're in a hot air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field between 40 & 41 degrees latitude and 120 and 124 degrees West longitude."
"You must be an Architect," says the balloonist.
"I am" replies the man. "How did you know?"
"Well" says the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically correct, but it's of absolutely no use to me and I still don't know where I am."
The man below says, "You must be a contractor."
"Well yes" replies the balloonist, "but how did you know?"
"Well", says the man, "You don't know where you are or where you're going. You've made a promise that you can't keep, but now you expect me to solve your problem. You're in the same position as you were before we met, but now it's my fault."
* Draftsmen draft the toilet partitions.
* Designers determine which color of toilet paper to use in the stalls.
* Specification Writers determine which brand of toilet paper will be used.
* Architects argue about using single-ply or double-ply then have to hire an engineer to make the decision for them.
* CAD Managers keep the stalls supplied with toilet paper and wipe up after everybody's mess
A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts: "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised my friend I would meet him half an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."
The man below says: "Yes you're in a hot air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field between 40 & 41 degrees latitude and 120 and 124 degrees West longitude."
"You must be an Architect," says the balloonist.
"I am" replies the man. "How did you know?"
"Well" says the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically correct, but it's of absolutely no use to me and I still don't know where I am."
The man below says, "You must be a contractor."
"Well yes" replies the balloonist, "but how did you know?"
"Well", says the man, "You don't know where you are or where you're going. You've made a promise that you can't keep, but now you expect me to solve your problem. You're in the same position as you were before we met, but now it's my fault."
Re: Need a laugh?
In a small Southern town there was a "Nativity Scene" that showed great skill and talent had gone into creating it. One small feature bothered me. The three wise men were wearing firemen's helmets. Totally unable to come up with a reason or explanation, I left.
At a "Quick Stop" on the edge of town, I asked the lady behind the counter about the helmets. She exploded into a rage, yelling at me, "You Yankees never do read the Bible!" I assured her that I did, but simply couldn't recall anything about firemen in the Bible.
She jerked her Bible from behind the counter and ruffled through some pages, and finally jabbed her finger at a passage. Sticking it in my face she said, "See, it says right here, 'The three wise man came from afar.'"
Ma was in the kitchen fiddling around when she hollers out....
"Pa, You need to go out and fix the outhouse!"
Pa replies, "There ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse."
Ma yells back, "Yes there is, now git out there and fix it."
So.......Pa mosies out to the outhouse, looks around and yells back,
"Ma There ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse! "
Ma replies, "Stick yur head in the hole!"
Pa yells back, "I ain't stickin my head in that hole!"
Ma says, "Ya have to stick yur head in the hole to see what to fix."
So with that, Pa sticks his head in the hole, looks around and yells back,
"Ma There ain't nuthin wrong with this outhouse!"
Ma hollers back, "Now take your head out of the hole!"
Pa proceeds to pull his head out of the hole, then starts yelling,
"Ma Help! My beard is stuck in the cracks in the toilet seat!"
To which Ma replies,...... "Hurt's, don't it ?!"
A man was driving down a quiet country lane when out into the road strayed a rooster. Whack! The rooster disappeared under the car in a cloud of feathers.
Shaken, the man pulled over at the farmhouse and rang the doorbell. A farmer appeared. The man somewhat nervously said, "I think I killed your rooster, please allow me to replace him."
"Suit yourself," the farmer replied, "the hens are round the back."
DINING OUT
1. When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper cup, and pour slowly so as not to "bruise" the fruit of the vine.
2. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers covering the label.
ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME
1. A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.
2. Do not allow the dog to eat at the table... no matter how good his manners are.
PERSONAL HYGIENE
1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one's OWN truck keys.
2. Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days. However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money.
3. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to detract from a woman's jewelry and alter the taste of finger foods.
DATING (Outside the Family)
1. Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.
2. Be aggressive. Let her know you're interested: "I've been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the bathroom wall two years ago."
3. Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say 10:00 PM; Others might say "Monday." If the latter is the answer, it is the man's responsibility to get her to school on time.
THEATER ETIQUETTE
1. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately after the movie has ended.
2. Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can't hear you.
WEDDINGS
1. Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a wedding gift.
2. Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot.
3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create a tacky appearance.
4. Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for this special occasion.
DRIVING ETIQUETTE
1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles; Even if the gun is loaded, and the deer is in sight.
2. When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way.
3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.
4. When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer.
5. Never relieve yourself from a moving vehicle, especially when driving.
6. Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.
TIPS FOR ALL OCCASIONS
1. Never take a beer to a job interview.
2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.
3. It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church.
4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.
5. Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it is still considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.
At a "Quick Stop" on the edge of town, I asked the lady behind the counter about the helmets. She exploded into a rage, yelling at me, "You Yankees never do read the Bible!" I assured her that I did, but simply couldn't recall anything about firemen in the Bible.
She jerked her Bible from behind the counter and ruffled through some pages, and finally jabbed her finger at a passage. Sticking it in my face she said, "See, it says right here, 'The three wise man came from afar.'"
Ma was in the kitchen fiddling around when she hollers out....
"Pa, You need to go out and fix the outhouse!"
Pa replies, "There ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse."
Ma yells back, "Yes there is, now git out there and fix it."
So.......Pa mosies out to the outhouse, looks around and yells back,
"Ma There ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse! "
Ma replies, "Stick yur head in the hole!"
Pa yells back, "I ain't stickin my head in that hole!"
Ma says, "Ya have to stick yur head in the hole to see what to fix."
So with that, Pa sticks his head in the hole, looks around and yells back,
"Ma There ain't nuthin wrong with this outhouse!"
Ma hollers back, "Now take your head out of the hole!"
Pa proceeds to pull his head out of the hole, then starts yelling,
"Ma Help! My beard is stuck in the cracks in the toilet seat!"
To which Ma replies,...... "Hurt's, don't it ?!"
A man was driving down a quiet country lane when out into the road strayed a rooster. Whack! The rooster disappeared under the car in a cloud of feathers.
Shaken, the man pulled over at the farmhouse and rang the doorbell. A farmer appeared. The man somewhat nervously said, "I think I killed your rooster, please allow me to replace him."
"Suit yourself," the farmer replied, "the hens are round the back."
DINING OUT
1. When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper cup, and pour slowly so as not to "bruise" the fruit of the vine.
2. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers covering the label.
ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME
1. A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.
2. Do not allow the dog to eat at the table... no matter how good his manners are.
PERSONAL HYGIENE
1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one's OWN truck keys.
2. Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days. However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money.
3. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to detract from a woman's jewelry and alter the taste of finger foods.
DATING (Outside the Family)
1. Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.
2. Be aggressive. Let her know you're interested: "I've been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the bathroom wall two years ago."
3. Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say 10:00 PM; Others might say "Monday." If the latter is the answer, it is the man's responsibility to get her to school on time.
THEATER ETIQUETTE
1. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately after the movie has ended.
2. Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can't hear you.
WEDDINGS
1. Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a wedding gift.
2. Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot.
3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create a tacky appearance.
4. Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for this special occasion.
DRIVING ETIQUETTE
1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles; Even if the gun is loaded, and the deer is in sight.
2. When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way.
3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.
4. When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer.
5. Never relieve yourself from a moving vehicle, especially when driving.
6. Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.
TIPS FOR ALL OCCASIONS
1. Never take a beer to a job interview.
2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.
3. It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church.
4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.
5. Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it is still considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.
Re: Need a laugh?
I'm doing my part to help your mission 
-
mindehankins
- Posts: 3014
- Joined: Fri Mar 06, 2009 8:21 am
- Location: Western NY State
Re: Need a laugh?
Me too! I didn't even need a laugh today, but I love this thread, and thank you for it! 
-
Marcia (Mrs. Pete)
- Posts: 1576
- Joined: Mon Aug 07, 2006 9:40 pm
- Location: Madison Area, Wisconsin
Re: Need a laugh?
This tread is on my daily check list. If Thursday comes and Shoe hasn't posted I start to beg, right Shoe? Thank you for the laughs. MUCH APPRECIATED!
Marcia (Mrs. Pete)
Missing St. John. As always.
Missing St. John. As always.
