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Need a laugh?
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The Male Cycle
(1) When I was 13, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend with big tits.
(2) When I was 16, I got a girlfriend with big tits, but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with zest for life.
(3) In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional.
Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability.
(4) When I was 25, I found a very stable girl but she was boring.
She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything.
Life became so dull that I decided I needed a girl with some excitement.
(5) When I was 28, I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her.
She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything.
She did mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy.
She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless.
So I decided to find a girl with some real ambition.
(6) When I turned 30, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground, so I married her. She was so smart and ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned.
I am older and wiser now, and I am looking for a girl with big tits.
(1) When I was 13, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend with big tits.
(2) When I was 16, I got a girlfriend with big tits, but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with zest for life.
(3) In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional.
Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability.
(4) When I was 25, I found a very stable girl but she was boring.
She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything.
Life became so dull that I decided I needed a girl with some excitement.
(5) When I was 28, I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her.
She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything.
She did mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy.
She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless.
So I decided to find a girl with some real ambition.
(6) When I turned 30, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground, so I married her. She was so smart and ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned.
I am older and wiser now, and I am looking for a girl with big tits.
Re: Need a laugh?
Before the Battle of Agincourt in 1415, the French, anticipating victory over the English, proposed to cut off the middle finger of all captured English soldiers.
Without the middle finger it would be impossible to draw the renowned English longbow and therefore they would be incapable of fighting in the future.
This famous English longbow was made of the native English Yew tree, and the act of drawing the longbow was known as "plucking the yew" (or "pluck yew").
Much to the bewilderment of the French, the English won a major upset and began mocking the French by waving their middle fingers at the defeated French, saying, See, we can still pluck yew!
Since 'pluck yew' is rather difficult to say, the difficult consonant cluster at the beginning has gradually changed to a labiodentals fricative F', and thus the words often used in conjunction with the one-finger-salute!
It is also because of the pheasant feathers on the arrows used with the longbow that the symbolic gesture is known as "giving the bird."
IT IS STILL AN APPROPRIATE SALUTE TO THE FRENCH TODAY!
Without the middle finger it would be impossible to draw the renowned English longbow and therefore they would be incapable of fighting in the future.
This famous English longbow was made of the native English Yew tree, and the act of drawing the longbow was known as "plucking the yew" (or "pluck yew").
Much to the bewilderment of the French, the English won a major upset and began mocking the French by waving their middle fingers at the defeated French, saying, See, we can still pluck yew!
Since 'pluck yew' is rather difficult to say, the difficult consonant cluster at the beginning has gradually changed to a labiodentals fricative F', and thus the words often used in conjunction with the one-finger-salute!
It is also because of the pheasant feathers on the arrows used with the longbow that the symbolic gesture is known as "giving the bird."
IT IS STILL AN APPROPRIATE SALUTE TO THE FRENCH TODAY!
Re: Need a laugh?
Deep Thoughts to ponder....
Can you cry under water?
How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?
Why do you have to 'put your two cents in'... But it's only a 'penny for your thoughts'? Where's that extra penny going to?
Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?
Why does a round pizza come in a square box?
What disease did cured ham actually have?
How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?
Why is it that people say they 'slept like a baby' when babies wake up like every two hours?
If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?
Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?
Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?
Why do doctors leave the room while you change?
They're going to see you naked anyway.
Why is 'bra' singular and 'panties' plural?
Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?
If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?
If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?
Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours?
They're both dogs!
If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?
If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?
Why did you just try singing the two songs above?
Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your butt?
Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?
Why, Why, Why
Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting dead?
Why do banks charge a fee on 'insufficient funds' when they know there is not enough money?
Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
;
Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?
Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?
Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
Whose idea was it to put an 'S' in the word 'lisp'?
If people evolved from apes,
Why are there still apes?
Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?
Is there ever a day that mattresses
Are not on sale?
Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?
Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?
Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?
How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?
When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, 'It's all right?' Well, it isn't all right, so why don't we say, 'That really hurt, why don't you watch where you're going?'
Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?
In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?
How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?
And my FAVORITE......
The statistics on sanity is that one out of every four persons are suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends -- if they're okay, then it's you.
Can you cry under water?
How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?
Why do you have to 'put your two cents in'... But it's only a 'penny for your thoughts'? Where's that extra penny going to?
Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?
Why does a round pizza come in a square box?
What disease did cured ham actually have?
How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?
Why is it that people say they 'slept like a baby' when babies wake up like every two hours?
If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?
Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?
Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?
Why do doctors leave the room while you change?
They're going to see you naked anyway.
Why is 'bra' singular and 'panties' plural?
Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?
If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?
If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?
Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours?
They're both dogs!
If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?
If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?
Why did you just try singing the two songs above?
Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your butt?
Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?
Why, Why, Why
Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting dead?
Why do banks charge a fee on 'insufficient funds' when they know there is not enough money?
Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
;
Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?
Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?
Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
Whose idea was it to put an 'S' in the word 'lisp'?
If people evolved from apes,
Why are there still apes?
Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?
Is there ever a day that mattresses
Are not on sale?
Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?
Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?
Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?
How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?
When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, 'It's all right?' Well, it isn't all right, so why don't we say, 'That really hurt, why don't you watch where you're going?'
Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?
In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?
How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?
And my FAVORITE......
The statistics on sanity is that one out of every four persons are suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends -- if they're okay, then it's you.
Re: Need a laugh?
TOP TEN REASONS WHY TRICK OR TREATING IS BETTER THAN SEX...
10. You are guaranteed to get at least a little something in the sack.
9. If you get tired, you can wait 10 minutes and go at it again.
8. The uglier you look, the easier it is to get some.
7. You don't have to compliment the person who gives you some.
6. It's O.K. when the person you're with fantasizes you're someone else, because you are.
5. Forty years from now you'll still enjoy candy.
4. If you don't like what you get, you can always go next door.
3. It doesn't matter if the kids hear you moaning and groaning.
2. Less guilt the morning after.
1. You can do the whole neighborhood.
10. You are guaranteed to get at least a little something in the sack.
9. If you get tired, you can wait 10 minutes and go at it again.
8. The uglier you look, the easier it is to get some.
7. You don't have to compliment the person who gives you some.
6. It's O.K. when the person you're with fantasizes you're someone else, because you are.
5. Forty years from now you'll still enjoy candy.
4. If you don't like what you get, you can always go next door.
3. It doesn't matter if the kids hear you moaning and groaning.
2. Less guilt the morning after.
1. You can do the whole neighborhood.
Re: Need a laugh?
You know you are too old to Trick or Treat when:
10. You get winded from knocking on the door.
9. You have to have another kid chew the candy for you.
8. You ask for high fiber candy only.
7. When someone drops a candy bar in your bag,
You lose your balance and fall over.
6. People say: "Great Boris Karloff Mask,"
And you're not wearing a mask.
5. When the door opens you yell, "Trick or..."
And can't remember the rest.
4. By the end of the night,
You have a bag full of restraining orders.
3. You have to carefully choose a costume that won't dislodge your hairpiece.
2. You're the only Power Ranger in the
Neighborhood with a walker.
And the number one reason Seniors should not go
Trick Or Treating...
*
*
*
1. You keep having to go home to pee.
No matter, have a HAPPY HALLOWEEN anyway.
BOSTON STRONG
10. You get winded from knocking on the door.
9. You have to have another kid chew the candy for you.
8. You ask for high fiber candy only.
7. When someone drops a candy bar in your bag,
You lose your balance and fall over.
6. People say: "Great Boris Karloff Mask,"
And you're not wearing a mask.
5. When the door opens you yell, "Trick or..."
And can't remember the rest.
4. By the end of the night,
You have a bag full of restraining orders.
3. You have to carefully choose a costume that won't dislodge your hairpiece.
2. You're the only Power Ranger in the
Neighborhood with a walker.
And the number one reason Seniors should not go
Trick Or Treating...
*
*
*
1. You keep having to go home to pee.
No matter, have a HAPPY HALLOWEEN anyway.
BOSTON STRONG
Re: Need a laugh?
One year at Thanksgiving, my mom went to my
sister's house for the traditional feast. Knowing
how gullible my sister is, my mom decided to
play a trick. She told my sister that she needed
something from the store.
When my sister left, my mom took the turkey out of
the oven, removed the stuffing, stuffed a Cornish hen,
and inserted it into the turkey, and re-stuffed the
turkey. She then placed the bird(s) back in the oven.
When it was time for dinner, my sister pulled the
turkey out of the oven and proceeded to remove the
stuffing. When her serving spoon hit something,
she reached in and pulled out the little bird.
With a look of total shock on her face, my mother
exclaimed, "Patricia, you've cooked a pregnant
bird!" At the reality of this horrifying news,
my sister started to cry.
It took the family two hours to convince her that
turkeys lay eggs!
Yep..................SHE'S BLONDE!
sister's house for the traditional feast. Knowing
how gullible my sister is, my mom decided to
play a trick. She told my sister that she needed
something from the store.
When my sister left, my mom took the turkey out of
the oven, removed the stuffing, stuffed a Cornish hen,
and inserted it into the turkey, and re-stuffed the
turkey. She then placed the bird(s) back in the oven.
When it was time for dinner, my sister pulled the
turkey out of the oven and proceeded to remove the
stuffing. When her serving spoon hit something,
she reached in and pulled out the little bird.
With a look of total shock on her face, my mother
exclaimed, "Patricia, you've cooked a pregnant
bird!" At the reality of this horrifying news,
my sister started to cry.
It took the family two hours to convince her that
turkeys lay eggs!
Yep..................SHE'S BLONDE!
Re: Need a laugh?
The Zen of Sarcasm
1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me,
for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much
leave me alone.
2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and leaky
tire.
3. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your
neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.
4. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be
promoted.
5. Always remember that you're unique. Just like everyone else.
6. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
7. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car
payments.
8. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes.
That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their
shoes.
9. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is probably not for you.
10. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish,
and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day .
11. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was
probably a wise investment.
12. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.
13. Some days you're the bug; some days you're the windshield.
14. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
15. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it
back in your pocket.
16. A closed mouth gathers no foot.
17. Duct tape is like 'The Force'. It has a light side and a dark side,
and it holds the universe together.
18. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.
19. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving .
20. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
21. Never miss a good chance to shut up.
AND
22. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on
the same night.
1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me,
for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much
leave me alone.
2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and leaky
tire.
3. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your
neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.
4. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be
promoted.
5. Always remember that you're unique. Just like everyone else.
6. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
7. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car
payments.
8. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes.
That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their
shoes.
9. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is probably not for you.
10. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish,
and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day .
11. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was
probably a wise investment.
12. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.
13. Some days you're the bug; some days you're the windshield.
14. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
15. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it
back in your pocket.
16. A closed mouth gathers no foot.
17. Duct tape is like 'The Force'. It has a light side and a dark side,
and it holds the universe together.
18. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.
19. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving .
20. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
21. Never miss a good chance to shut up.
AND
22. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on
the same night.
Re: Need a laugh?
'An extraordinarily handsome man decided he had the responsibility to marry the perfect woman so they could produce beautiful children beyond compare.
With that as his mission he began searching for the perfect woman.
Shortly thereafter he met a farmer who had three stunning, gorgeous daughters that positively took his breath away.
So he explained his mission to the farmer, asking for permission to marry one of them.
The farmer simply replied, 'They're lookin' to get married, so you came to the right place. Look 'em over and pick the one you want.'
The man dated the first daughter.
The next day the farmer asked for the man's opinion.
'Well,' said the man, 'she's just a weeeeee bit, not that you can hardly notice...pigeon-toed.'
The farmer nodded and suggested the man date one of the other girls; so the man went out with the second daughter.
The next day, the farmer again asked how things went.
'Well, 'the man replied, 'she's just a weeeeee bit, not that you can hardly tell...cross-eyed.'
The farmer nodded and suggested he date the third girl to see if things might be better. So he did.
The next morning the man rushed in exclaiming, 'She's perfect, just perfect. She's the one I want to marry'
So they were wed right away. Months later the baby was born.
When the man visited the nursery he was horrified: the baby was the ugliest, most pathetic human you can imagine.
He rushed to his father-in-law asking how such a thing could happen considering the beauty of the parents.
'Well,' explained the farmer, 'She was just a weeeeee bit, not that you could hardly tell...
Pregnant when you met her.'
With that as his mission he began searching for the perfect woman.
Shortly thereafter he met a farmer who had three stunning, gorgeous daughters that positively took his breath away.
So he explained his mission to the farmer, asking for permission to marry one of them.
The farmer simply replied, 'They're lookin' to get married, so you came to the right place. Look 'em over and pick the one you want.'
The man dated the first daughter.
The next day the farmer asked for the man's opinion.
'Well,' said the man, 'she's just a weeeeee bit, not that you can hardly notice...pigeon-toed.'
The farmer nodded and suggested the man date one of the other girls; so the man went out with the second daughter.
The next day, the farmer again asked how things went.
'Well, 'the man replied, 'she's just a weeeeee bit, not that you can hardly tell...cross-eyed.'
The farmer nodded and suggested he date the third girl to see if things might be better. So he did.
The next morning the man rushed in exclaiming, 'She's perfect, just perfect. She's the one I want to marry'
So they were wed right away. Months later the baby was born.
When the man visited the nursery he was horrified: the baby was the ugliest, most pathetic human you can imagine.
He rushed to his father-in-law asking how such a thing could happen considering the beauty of the parents.
'Well,' explained the farmer, 'She was just a weeeeee bit, not that you could hardly tell...
Pregnant when you met her.'