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Need a laugh?
You Might Be a Yankee If...
You don't think Howard Stern has an accent.
You have never planned your summer vacation around a gun*and*knife show.
You think more money should go to important scientific research at your university than to pay the salary of the head football coach.
You don't have at least one can of WD*40 somewhere around the house.
The last time you smiled was when you prevented someone from getting on an on*ramp on the highway.
You don't have any hats in your closet that advertise feed stores.
The farthest south you've ever been is the perfume counter at Neiman Marcus.
You call binoculars opera glasses.
You can't spit out the car window without pulling over to the side of the road and stopping.
You would never wear pink or an appliqued sweatshirt.
You don't know what appliqued is.
Most of your formative high school experiences took place within the context of a football game.
You don't know anyone with two first names (i.e. Joe Bob, Billy Bob, Bubba Kay Bob, Bob Bob)
You don't have doilies, and you certainly don't know how to make one.
You've never been to a craft show.
You get freaked out when people on the subway talk to you.
You can't do your laundry without quarters.
None of your fur coats are homemade.
You have no idea what a polecat is.
Whenever someone tells an off*color joke about farm animals, it goes over your head.
You don't see anything wrong with putting a sweater on a poodle.
You don't have bangs.
You would rather vacation at Martha's Vineyard than Six Flags.
More than two generations of your family have been kicked out of the same prep school in Connecticut.
You would rather have your son become a lawyer than grow up to get his own TV fishing show.
Instead of referring to two or more people as "y'all," you call them "you guys," even if both of them are women.
You don't think Howard Stern has an accent.
You have never planned your summer vacation around a gun*and*knife show.
You think more money should go to important scientific research at your university than to pay the salary of the head football coach.
You don't have at least one can of WD*40 somewhere around the house.
The last time you smiled was when you prevented someone from getting on an on*ramp on the highway.
You don't have any hats in your closet that advertise feed stores.
The farthest south you've ever been is the perfume counter at Neiman Marcus.
You call binoculars opera glasses.
You can't spit out the car window without pulling over to the side of the road and stopping.
You would never wear pink or an appliqued sweatshirt.
You don't know what appliqued is.
Most of your formative high school experiences took place within the context of a football game.
You don't know anyone with two first names (i.e. Joe Bob, Billy Bob, Bubba Kay Bob, Bob Bob)
You don't have doilies, and you certainly don't know how to make one.
You've never been to a craft show.
You get freaked out when people on the subway talk to you.
You can't do your laundry without quarters.
None of your fur coats are homemade.
You have no idea what a polecat is.
Whenever someone tells an off*color joke about farm animals, it goes over your head.
You don't see anything wrong with putting a sweater on a poodle.
You don't have bangs.
You would rather vacation at Martha's Vineyard than Six Flags.
More than two generations of your family have been kicked out of the same prep school in Connecticut.
You would rather have your son become a lawyer than grow up to get his own TV fishing show.
Instead of referring to two or more people as "y'all," you call them "you guys," even if both of them are women.
You know you're in Arizona when ...
You no longer associate bridges (or rivers) with water.
You can say 110 degrees without fainting.
You eat hot chilies to cool your mouth off.
You can make instant sun tea.
You learn that a seat belt makes a pretty good branding iron.
The temperature drops below 95, you feel a bit chilly.
You discover that in July, it takes only 2 fingers to drive your car.
You discover that you can get a sunburn through your car window.
You notice the best parking place is determined by shade instead of distance.
Hot water now comes out of both taps.
It's noon in July, kids are on summer vacation, and not one person is out on the streets.
You actually burn your hand opening the car door.
You break a sweat the instant you step outside at 7:30 a.m. before work.
No one would dream of putting vinyl upholstery in a car or not having air conditioning.
Your biggest bicycle wreck fear is, "What if I get knocked out and end up lying on the pavement and cook to death?"
You realize that asphalt has a liquid state
You no longer associate bridges (or rivers) with water.
You can say 110 degrees without fainting.
You eat hot chilies to cool your mouth off.
You can make instant sun tea.
You learn that a seat belt makes a pretty good branding iron.
The temperature drops below 95, you feel a bit chilly.
You discover that in July, it takes only 2 fingers to drive your car.
You discover that you can get a sunburn through your car window.
You notice the best parking place is determined by shade instead of distance.
Hot water now comes out of both taps.
It's noon in July, kids are on summer vacation, and not one person is out on the streets.
You actually burn your hand opening the car door.
You break a sweat the instant you step outside at 7:30 a.m. before work.
No one would dream of putting vinyl upholstery in a car or not having air conditioning.
Your biggest bicycle wreck fear is, "What if I get knocked out and end up lying on the pavement and cook to death?"
You realize that asphalt has a liquid state
You Know You're From New York When...
You're 35 years old and don't have a driver's license.
You ride in a subway car with no air conditioning just because there are seats available.
You take the train home and you know exactly where on the platform the doors will open that will leave you right in front of the exit stairway.
You know what a "regular" coffee is.
It's not Manhattan...... It's the "city".
There is no north and south. It's "uptown" or "downtown." If you're really from New York you have absolutely no concept of where north and south are.... And east or west is "crosstown."
You cross the street anywhere but on the corners and you yell at cars for not respecting your right to do it.
You move 3,000 miles away, spend 10 years learning the local language and people still know you're from Brooklyn the minute you open your mouth.
You return after 10 years and the first foods you want are a "real" pizza and a "real" bagel.
A 500 square foot apartment is large.
You know the differences between all the different Ray's pizzas.
You are not under the mistaken impression that any human being would be able to actually understand a p.a. Announcement on the subway.
You wouldn't bother ordering pizza in any other city.
You get ready to order dinner every night and must choose from the major food groups which are: Chinese, Italian, Mexican or Indian.
You're not the least bit interested in going to Times Square on New Year's eve.
Your internal clock is permanently set to know when alternate side of the street parking regulations are in effect.
Someone bumps into you, and you check for your wallet.
You don't even notice the lady walking down the road having a perfectly normal conversation with herself.
You pay "only" $230 a month to park your car.
The presidential visit is a major traffic jam, not an honor.
You can nap on the subway and never miss your stop.
The deli guy gives you a straw with any beverage you buy, even if it's a beer.
You Might Be From New York If...
You say "the city" and expect everyone to know that this means Manhattan.
You have never been to the Statue of Liberty or the Empire State Building.
The subway makes sense to you, and the subway should never be called anything like the Metro.
Your door has more than three locks and is made of steel.
You think Central Park is "nature."
You pay more each month to park your car than most people in the US pay on their mortgage.
You haven't seen more than 12 stars in the night sky since you went away to camp as a kid.
You pay $5 without blinking for a beer that cost the bar 28 cents.
You have 27 different take-out menus next to your tele- phone.
Going to Brooklyn is considered a "road trip." Of course, you only go there to attend weddings or funerals.
America west of the Hudson is still theoretical to you.
You have jaywalking down to an art form. You're born with it.
You take a taxi to get to your health club to exercise.
You don't hear sirens anymore.
You live in a building with a larger population than most American towns.
You know you're from New Jersey if ...
You watched "Mallrats" and said "I've been to that mall!"
At least half the people you knew in high school went to Rutgers.
Your big class trip in elementary school was to Morristown.
You long for the days when the Devils wore Christmas colors.
You know that the only people that call it "Joisey" are from New York.
You've planned a local trip around ensuring you pass at least one Dunkin' Donuts.
You don't think of citrus when people mention "The Oranges"
You know that it's called "Great Adventure"... not "Six Flags", dammit.
You've ordered a "hard roll with butter" for breakfast.
You've eaten at a diner, drunk off your ass, at 3am at least a dozen times.
At least three people in your family still love Bruce Springsteen.
You always use a minimum of 10 variations of the word "damn" while driving.
You don't have to go to Red Lobster to get fresh seafood.
You once said, "It smells like New York in here,"
In high school, you worked at a Friendly's.
The Garden State Parkway doesn't freak you out at night.
You know what a "jug handle" is.
You have mandatory recycling. Enforced by law.
You've eaten a pork roll and cheese on a hard roll...and like it.
You've pondered, "Maybe basketball would be more popular in NJ if the Nets didn't blow,"
You say "water" weird. (Wadder, Cawfee, Dowg, wadever)
Even your school made good Italian subs.
You've lived through hurricanes, nor'easters and fires, but have never seen a tornado or earthquake.
You can't believe MTV went to Seaside Heights.
You know that ACME is an actual store, not just a Warner Bros. creation.
You only go to New York City for day trips.
You've run out of money on the Parkway.
You know where to get the best bagel.
You think the Olive Garden is crap and should have never opened any restaurants in New Jersey.
There are no self serve gas stations and you like it that freakin' way.
You've had sex on the beach, and I'm not talking about the beverage.
You know how to successfully handle a traffic circle.
The Jets/Giants game has started fights at your school and/or local bar.
Your car is covered with yellow-green dust in April and May.
You can't understand why there aren't more 24-hr diners elsewhere in the county.
You live within 5 minutes of at least three different malls.
You've seen or been in a fight between a Rangers fan and a Devils fan.
You have or know someone with mafia connections too.
You're related to someone who thinks the New York Jets should be called the New Jersey Jets
You've been to a party in the woods.
You've purchased fireworks in Chinatown.
You know where to get a freshly cooked Taylor Ham, Egg and Cheese sandwich at 2 a.m.
You don't take shit from no one either.
You remember Action Park and may have been seriously injured there.
At some time you got on the wrong highway trying to get out of Willowbrook mall.
Z-100 used to be your favorite radio station.
Anything less than three inches of snow ain't shit.
You think people from South Jersey talk funny.
You're radioactive and proud of it.
You live in Utah if ...
The truck in front of you is jacked up on lifts, has an elk or deer decal on the window and spews black smoke from its deisel engine
The large SUV or Mini-Van in front of you has a decal of eight stick figures, denoting how many children you proudly own
You've driven five miles and passed eight LDS churches
You get funny looks in the summer when you wear a halter top or shorts that don't cover your knees
You ask "Why are you wearing that funky underwear?"
You have to ask why the tall buildings with the strange golden figure on top are always lit up at night.
You ask for two beers and the waitress looks at you with surprise.
You ask for a LI Iced Tea and get 1 shot of liquor and two shots of liquor flavor.
You ask where the nearest liquor store is and they laugh at you.
You try to get your flat tire fixed on a Sunday and are surprised to see that 99% of the stores are closed.
You hear the expression, "Oh my heck!"
Someone asks what ward you belong to
You ask a friend to come over for a BBQ on Sunday and they tell you they will be at church for 3 hours and aren't allowed to play on Sundays.
You say you are gay and are treated like you have a communicable disease
You say you are finished after having 2 kids and get no response
You say you married at 25 and are asked WHY SO LATE?
You live in the Northwest if:
You know the state flower (Mildew).
You feel guilty throwing aluminum cans or paper in the trash.
Use the statement ’sun break’, and know what it means.
You know more than 10 ways to order coffee.
You know more people who own boats than air conditioners.
You feel overdressed wearing a suit to a nice restaurant or to church.
You stand on a deserted corner in the rain waiting for the ‘WALK’ signal.
You consider that if it has no snow or has not recently erupted, it’s not a real mountain.
You can taste the difference between Starbucks, Seattle’s Best, and Veneto ’s.
You know the difference between Chinook, Coho, and Sockeye salmon.
You know how to pronounce Sequim, Puyallup, Heceta, Yaquina, Yachats, Issaquah, Oregon, Spokane, Yakima, and Willamette .
You consider swimming an indoor sport.
You can tell the difference between Japanese, Chinese, and Thai food.
In winter, you go to work in the dark and come home in the dark while only working eight-hour days.
You never go camping without waterproof matches and a poncho.
You are not fazed by ‘Today’s forecast: Showers followed by rain,’ and ‘Tomorrow’s forecast: Rain followed by showers.’
You have no concept of humidity without precipitation.
You know that Boring is a town in Oregon and not just a state of mind.
You can point to at least two volcanoes, even if you cannot see them through the cloud cover.
You use the phrase ‘The mountain is out’ when it is a pretty day and you can actually see it.
You put on your shorts when the temperature gets above 50, but still wear your hiking boots and parka.
You switch to your sandals when it gets about 60, but keep the socks on.
You have actually used your mountain bike on a mountain.
You think people who use umbrellas are either wimps or tourists.
You buy new sunglasses every year, because you cannot find the old ones after such a long time.
You measure distance in hours.
You often switch from ‘heat’ to ‘a/c’ in the same day.
You design your kid’s Halloween costume to fit under a raincoat.
You know all the important seasons: Almost Winter, Winter, Still Raining, Road Construction, and Deer & Elk season.
You understood these jokes and will tell your friends.
Rubber boots are a main part of you wardrobe, and they go with everything.
You know the difference between : Heavy dew, mist, sprinkle, shower, rain and downpour.
You actually know what make hay while the sun shine's means.
If you have walked out your back door and it is raining but out the front door it is not.
That one of the seasons is also fishing season.
Outside work does not stop because it is raining, snowing or blowing.
You just change what clothes you ware and how much.
We don't have hurricane force winds, we have gales and storm warnings with high winds
Some of use can tell when we are expecting a storm or rain by the amount of aches and pains in our joints
Notes About Wisconsin
Everybody in the state has a boat attached to their car.
All of their cheese is imported from Michigan.
Everyone drives at a frantic pace to get toward that little restful spot in the middle of a lake to fish.
Nobody keeps the fish they catch unless it is in some sort of competition.
By the looks of the sides of many of the roads, deer hunting season is all year round, half killed by gun and half by pickup.
There are so many water parks near the Dells, the rivers have run out of water for the Ducks.
Everything happens at the Illinois/Wisconsin border: The Cheese shops, the Fishing license bureaus, the fireworks and adult shops and the state cops looking for foreign license plates so they can get good booty.
There are hundreds of construction sites on the roads, but nobody seems to be working them by day. Maybe it’s too hot then and it’s done at night?
All of the travelers in Wisconsin who come from Minnesota want to get to Illinois. All of the Illinois travelers who are in Wisconsin want to get to Minnesota. The Wisconsin travelers talk about going somewhere, but always manage to stay home.
Its a great vacation spot, Wisconsin, that is. Too bad it’s open only a couple of warm months out of the year. Do they really need another outdoor water park?
For those who plan to visit our Nation's Capital!
First, you must learn to call it by its rightful name. It is DC or 'the District' - only tourists call it Washington.
Next, if your road map of Montgomery County is more than a few weeks old, throw it out and buy a new one. It's obsolete. If in Loudoun or Fairfax County and your map is one day old, it's already obsolete.
There is no such thing as a dangerous high speed chase in D.C. It's just another chase, usually on the BW Parkway .
All directions start with 'The Beltway'... which has no beginning and no end, just one continuous loop that locals believe is somehow clarified by an 'inner' and 'outer loop' designation. This makes no sense to ANYONE outside the area.
The morning rush hour is from 5 to 11 AM. The evening rush hour is from 1 to 8 PM. Friday's rush hour starts Thursday morning, especially during the summer on Route 50 eastbound.
If there is a ball game at the Redskins stadium, there is no point in driving anywhere near PG County. (Tip: Never say PG County to anyone from Mitchellville, Upper Marlboro, Bowie or Fort Washington (its Prince Georges County ). They'll blow a vessel in their neck and go into a seizure.)
If you actually stop at a yellow light, you will be rear-ended and shot at. If you run the red light, be sure to s mil e for the $100 'picture' you will receive courtesy of DMV. (However, if you don't go as soon as the light turns green, you will get cussed out in 382 languages.
Rain causes an immediate 50 point drop of IQ in drivers.
Snow causes an immediate 100 point drop in IQ and a rush to the nearest Giant for toilet paper and milk.
Construction on I-270 is a way of life and a permanent source of scorn and cynical entertainment. It's ironic that it's called an 'Interstate,' but runs only from Bethesda to Frederick . (Unless you consider Montgomery County another state, which some do). Opening in the 60's, it has been torn up and under reconstruction ever since. Also, it has a 'Spur' section which is even more confusing.
All unexplained sights are explained by the phrase, 'Oh, we're in Takoma Park '.
If someone actually has their turn signal on, they are by definition, a tourist.
Car horns are actually 'Road Rage' indicators. Heed the warning.
All old ladies in Buicks have the right of way in the area of Leisure World.
Many roads mysteriously change their names as you cross intersections. Don't ask why, no one knows.
If asking directions in Arlington , Langley Park, Wheaton or Adams Morgan, Spanish helps. Annandale, Cambodian or Vietnamese will come in handy. If on Dupont Circle, Capital Hill or U Street, tolerance for same sex helps. If you stop to ask directions in Southeast...well, just don't.
A taxi ride across town will cost you $12.50. A taxi ride two blocks will cost you 16.75. (It's a zone thing, you wouldn't understand.)
Traveling south out of DC on Interstate 395/95 is the most dangerous, scariest thing you will ever do.
There is nothing more comforting then seven lanes of traffic cruising along at 85 mph, BUMPER TO BUMPER!!! (Truer words have never been written!)
The minimum acceptable speed on the Beltway is 85. Anything less is considered down right sissy.
The open lane for passing on all Maryland interstates is the far right lane because no self-respecting Marylander would ever be caught driving in the 'slow ' lane. Unofficially, both shoulders are fair game also.
The far left lanes on all Maryland interstates are official 'chat' lanes reserved for drivers who wish to talk on their cell phones. Note: All SUVs have priority clearance to use the far left at whatever speed the driver feels most comfortable multi-tasking in.
The Beltway is our daily version of a NASCAR reality show. Strap up and collect points as you go.
You Know it's July in Florida When:
Hot water comes out of both taps.
You find out that a seatbelt buckle makes a pretty nice branding iron.
The trees are whistling for the dogs.
You find out that you can get sunburned through your car window.
The birds need to use potholders to pull worms out of the ground.
You burn your hand opening the car door.
The temperature drops below 95 and you put on a sweater.
You can make instant sun tea.
Shade determines the best parking space, not distance.
Farmers feed their chickens crushed ice to keep them from laying hard boiled eggs.
When you step outside at 7:30 a.m., you break into a sweat.
Potatoes cook underground. This is convenient because all you have to do is pull one out and add salt, pepper and butter.
You discover that asphalt has a liquid state.
You realize that it only takes two fingers to steer your car.
You're 35 years old and don't have a driver's license.
You ride in a subway car with no air conditioning just because there are seats available.
You take the train home and you know exactly where on the platform the doors will open that will leave you right in front of the exit stairway.
You know what a "regular" coffee is.
It's not Manhattan...... It's the "city".
There is no north and south. It's "uptown" or "downtown." If you're really from New York you have absolutely no concept of where north and south are.... And east or west is "crosstown."
You cross the street anywhere but on the corners and you yell at cars for not respecting your right to do it.
You move 3,000 miles away, spend 10 years learning the local language and people still know you're from Brooklyn the minute you open your mouth.
You return after 10 years and the first foods you want are a "real" pizza and a "real" bagel.
A 500 square foot apartment is large.
You know the differences between all the different Ray's pizzas.
You are not under the mistaken impression that any human being would be able to actually understand a p.a. Announcement on the subway.
You wouldn't bother ordering pizza in any other city.
You get ready to order dinner every night and must choose from the major food groups which are: Chinese, Italian, Mexican or Indian.
You're not the least bit interested in going to Times Square on New Year's eve.
Your internal clock is permanently set to know when alternate side of the street parking regulations are in effect.
Someone bumps into you, and you check for your wallet.
You don't even notice the lady walking down the road having a perfectly normal conversation with herself.
You pay "only" $230 a month to park your car.
The presidential visit is a major traffic jam, not an honor.
You can nap on the subway and never miss your stop.
The deli guy gives you a straw with any beverage you buy, even if it's a beer.
You Might Be From New York If...
You say "the city" and expect everyone to know that this means Manhattan.
You have never been to the Statue of Liberty or the Empire State Building.
The subway makes sense to you, and the subway should never be called anything like the Metro.
Your door has more than three locks and is made of steel.
You think Central Park is "nature."
You pay more each month to park your car than most people in the US pay on their mortgage.
You haven't seen more than 12 stars in the night sky since you went away to camp as a kid.
You pay $5 without blinking for a beer that cost the bar 28 cents.
You have 27 different take-out menus next to your tele- phone.
Going to Brooklyn is considered a "road trip." Of course, you only go there to attend weddings or funerals.
America west of the Hudson is still theoretical to you.
You have jaywalking down to an art form. You're born with it.
You take a taxi to get to your health club to exercise.
You don't hear sirens anymore.
You live in a building with a larger population than most American towns.
You know you're from New Jersey if ...
You watched "Mallrats" and said "I've been to that mall!"
At least half the people you knew in high school went to Rutgers.
Your big class trip in elementary school was to Morristown.
You long for the days when the Devils wore Christmas colors.
You know that the only people that call it "Joisey" are from New York.
You've planned a local trip around ensuring you pass at least one Dunkin' Donuts.
You don't think of citrus when people mention "The Oranges"
You know that it's called "Great Adventure"... not "Six Flags", dammit.
You've ordered a "hard roll with butter" for breakfast.
You've eaten at a diner, drunk off your ass, at 3am at least a dozen times.
At least three people in your family still love Bruce Springsteen.
You always use a minimum of 10 variations of the word "damn" while driving.
You don't have to go to Red Lobster to get fresh seafood.
You once said, "It smells like New York in here,"
In high school, you worked at a Friendly's.
The Garden State Parkway doesn't freak you out at night.
You know what a "jug handle" is.
You have mandatory recycling. Enforced by law.
You've eaten a pork roll and cheese on a hard roll...and like it.
You've pondered, "Maybe basketball would be more popular in NJ if the Nets didn't blow,"
You say "water" weird. (Wadder, Cawfee, Dowg, wadever)
Even your school made good Italian subs.
You've lived through hurricanes, nor'easters and fires, but have never seen a tornado or earthquake.
You can't believe MTV went to Seaside Heights.
You know that ACME is an actual store, not just a Warner Bros. creation.
You only go to New York City for day trips.
You've run out of money on the Parkway.
You know where to get the best bagel.
You think the Olive Garden is crap and should have never opened any restaurants in New Jersey.
There are no self serve gas stations and you like it that freakin' way.
You've had sex on the beach, and I'm not talking about the beverage.
You know how to successfully handle a traffic circle.
The Jets/Giants game has started fights at your school and/or local bar.
Your car is covered with yellow-green dust in April and May.
You can't understand why there aren't more 24-hr diners elsewhere in the county.
You live within 5 minutes of at least three different malls.
You've seen or been in a fight between a Rangers fan and a Devils fan.
You have or know someone with mafia connections too.
You're related to someone who thinks the New York Jets should be called the New Jersey Jets
You've been to a party in the woods.
You've purchased fireworks in Chinatown.
You know where to get a freshly cooked Taylor Ham, Egg and Cheese sandwich at 2 a.m.
You don't take shit from no one either.
You remember Action Park and may have been seriously injured there.
At some time you got on the wrong highway trying to get out of Willowbrook mall.
Z-100 used to be your favorite radio station.
Anything less than three inches of snow ain't shit.
You think people from South Jersey talk funny.
You're radioactive and proud of it.
You live in Utah if ...
The truck in front of you is jacked up on lifts, has an elk or deer decal on the window and spews black smoke from its deisel engine
The large SUV or Mini-Van in front of you has a decal of eight stick figures, denoting how many children you proudly own
You've driven five miles and passed eight LDS churches
You get funny looks in the summer when you wear a halter top or shorts that don't cover your knees
You ask "Why are you wearing that funky underwear?"
You have to ask why the tall buildings with the strange golden figure on top are always lit up at night.
You ask for two beers and the waitress looks at you with surprise.
You ask for a LI Iced Tea and get 1 shot of liquor and two shots of liquor flavor.
You ask where the nearest liquor store is and they laugh at you.
You try to get your flat tire fixed on a Sunday and are surprised to see that 99% of the stores are closed.
You hear the expression, "Oh my heck!"
Someone asks what ward you belong to
You ask a friend to come over for a BBQ on Sunday and they tell you they will be at church for 3 hours and aren't allowed to play on Sundays.
You say you are gay and are treated like you have a communicable disease
You say you are finished after having 2 kids and get no response
You say you married at 25 and are asked WHY SO LATE?
You live in the Northwest if:
You know the state flower (Mildew).
You feel guilty throwing aluminum cans or paper in the trash.
Use the statement ’sun break’, and know what it means.
You know more than 10 ways to order coffee.
You know more people who own boats than air conditioners.
You feel overdressed wearing a suit to a nice restaurant or to church.
You stand on a deserted corner in the rain waiting for the ‘WALK’ signal.
You consider that if it has no snow or has not recently erupted, it’s not a real mountain.
You can taste the difference between Starbucks, Seattle’s Best, and Veneto ’s.
You know the difference between Chinook, Coho, and Sockeye salmon.
You know how to pronounce Sequim, Puyallup, Heceta, Yaquina, Yachats, Issaquah, Oregon, Spokane, Yakima, and Willamette .
You consider swimming an indoor sport.
You can tell the difference between Japanese, Chinese, and Thai food.
In winter, you go to work in the dark and come home in the dark while only working eight-hour days.
You never go camping without waterproof matches and a poncho.
You are not fazed by ‘Today’s forecast: Showers followed by rain,’ and ‘Tomorrow’s forecast: Rain followed by showers.’
You have no concept of humidity without precipitation.
You know that Boring is a town in Oregon and not just a state of mind.
You can point to at least two volcanoes, even if you cannot see them through the cloud cover.
You use the phrase ‘The mountain is out’ when it is a pretty day and you can actually see it.
You put on your shorts when the temperature gets above 50, but still wear your hiking boots and parka.
You switch to your sandals when it gets about 60, but keep the socks on.
You have actually used your mountain bike on a mountain.
You think people who use umbrellas are either wimps or tourists.
You buy new sunglasses every year, because you cannot find the old ones after such a long time.
You measure distance in hours.
You often switch from ‘heat’ to ‘a/c’ in the same day.
You design your kid’s Halloween costume to fit under a raincoat.
You know all the important seasons: Almost Winter, Winter, Still Raining, Road Construction, and Deer & Elk season.
You understood these jokes and will tell your friends.
Rubber boots are a main part of you wardrobe, and they go with everything.
You know the difference between : Heavy dew, mist, sprinkle, shower, rain and downpour.
You actually know what make hay while the sun shine's means.
If you have walked out your back door and it is raining but out the front door it is not.
That one of the seasons is also fishing season.
Outside work does not stop because it is raining, snowing or blowing.
You just change what clothes you ware and how much.
We don't have hurricane force winds, we have gales and storm warnings with high winds
Some of use can tell when we are expecting a storm or rain by the amount of aches and pains in our joints
Notes About Wisconsin
Everybody in the state has a boat attached to their car.
All of their cheese is imported from Michigan.
Everyone drives at a frantic pace to get toward that little restful spot in the middle of a lake to fish.
Nobody keeps the fish they catch unless it is in some sort of competition.
By the looks of the sides of many of the roads, deer hunting season is all year round, half killed by gun and half by pickup.
There are so many water parks near the Dells, the rivers have run out of water for the Ducks.
Everything happens at the Illinois/Wisconsin border: The Cheese shops, the Fishing license bureaus, the fireworks and adult shops and the state cops looking for foreign license plates so they can get good booty.
There are hundreds of construction sites on the roads, but nobody seems to be working them by day. Maybe it’s too hot then and it’s done at night?
All of the travelers in Wisconsin who come from Minnesota want to get to Illinois. All of the Illinois travelers who are in Wisconsin want to get to Minnesota. The Wisconsin travelers talk about going somewhere, but always manage to stay home.
Its a great vacation spot, Wisconsin, that is. Too bad it’s open only a couple of warm months out of the year. Do they really need another outdoor water park?
For those who plan to visit our Nation's Capital!
First, you must learn to call it by its rightful name. It is DC or 'the District' - only tourists call it Washington.
Next, if your road map of Montgomery County is more than a few weeks old, throw it out and buy a new one. It's obsolete. If in Loudoun or Fairfax County and your map is one day old, it's already obsolete.
There is no such thing as a dangerous high speed chase in D.C. It's just another chase, usually on the BW Parkway .
All directions start with 'The Beltway'... which has no beginning and no end, just one continuous loop that locals believe is somehow clarified by an 'inner' and 'outer loop' designation. This makes no sense to ANYONE outside the area.
The morning rush hour is from 5 to 11 AM. The evening rush hour is from 1 to 8 PM. Friday's rush hour starts Thursday morning, especially during the summer on Route 50 eastbound.
If there is a ball game at the Redskins stadium, there is no point in driving anywhere near PG County. (Tip: Never say PG County to anyone from Mitchellville, Upper Marlboro, Bowie or Fort Washington (its Prince Georges County ). They'll blow a vessel in their neck and go into a seizure.)
If you actually stop at a yellow light, you will be rear-ended and shot at. If you run the red light, be sure to s mil e for the $100 'picture' you will receive courtesy of DMV. (However, if you don't go as soon as the light turns green, you will get cussed out in 382 languages.
Rain causes an immediate 50 point drop of IQ in drivers.
Snow causes an immediate 100 point drop in IQ and a rush to the nearest Giant for toilet paper and milk.
Construction on I-270 is a way of life and a permanent source of scorn and cynical entertainment. It's ironic that it's called an 'Interstate,' but runs only from Bethesda to Frederick . (Unless you consider Montgomery County another state, which some do). Opening in the 60's, it has been torn up and under reconstruction ever since. Also, it has a 'Spur' section which is even more confusing.
All unexplained sights are explained by the phrase, 'Oh, we're in Takoma Park '.
If someone actually has their turn signal on, they are by definition, a tourist.
Car horns are actually 'Road Rage' indicators. Heed the warning.
All old ladies in Buicks have the right of way in the area of Leisure World.
Many roads mysteriously change their names as you cross intersections. Don't ask why, no one knows.
If asking directions in Arlington , Langley Park, Wheaton or Adams Morgan, Spanish helps. Annandale, Cambodian or Vietnamese will come in handy. If on Dupont Circle, Capital Hill or U Street, tolerance for same sex helps. If you stop to ask directions in Southeast...well, just don't.
A taxi ride across town will cost you $12.50. A taxi ride two blocks will cost you 16.75. (It's a zone thing, you wouldn't understand.)
Traveling south out of DC on Interstate 395/95 is the most dangerous, scariest thing you will ever do.
There is nothing more comforting then seven lanes of traffic cruising along at 85 mph, BUMPER TO BUMPER!!! (Truer words have never been written!)
The minimum acceptable speed on the Beltway is 85. Anything less is considered down right sissy.
The open lane for passing on all Maryland interstates is the far right lane because no self-respecting Marylander would ever be caught driving in the 'slow ' lane. Unofficially, both shoulders are fair game also.
The far left lanes on all Maryland interstates are official 'chat' lanes reserved for drivers who wish to talk on their cell phones. Note: All SUVs have priority clearance to use the far left at whatever speed the driver feels most comfortable multi-tasking in.
The Beltway is our daily version of a NASCAR reality show. Strap up and collect points as you go.
You Know it's July in Florida When:
Hot water comes out of both taps.
You find out that a seatbelt buckle makes a pretty nice branding iron.
The trees are whistling for the dogs.
You find out that you can get sunburned through your car window.
The birds need to use potholders to pull worms out of the ground.
You burn your hand opening the car door.
The temperature drops below 95 and you put on a sweater.
You can make instant sun tea.
Shade determines the best parking space, not distance.
Farmers feed their chickens crushed ice to keep them from laying hard boiled eggs.
When you step outside at 7:30 a.m., you break into a sweat.
Potatoes cook underground. This is convenient because all you have to do is pull one out and add salt, pepper and butter.
You discover that asphalt has a liquid state.
You realize that it only takes two fingers to steer your car.
Re: Need a laugh?
you know you're in England when.......
• It’s raining
• Your sandwich has mayonnaise
• You push the lever twice to flush
• The restrooms are toilets
• You fill the sink to get warm water
• Sometimes hot water is on the left, sometimes on the right
• The road has no shoulder
• Every intersection is a roundabout
• Your coffee is instant
• Your beer is warm
• Your Coke is warmer and has one ice cube
• The bar does not serve martinis
• The newscaster reads the newspaper
• The only thing on TV are people sleeping
• Your helium level sensor doesn’t work
• Your car is on the left and your steering wheel is on the right
• The crossing herd are rabbits
• Cottage Tandoori is on your speed dial
• You are always on camera
• Winnie the Pooh is a local
• When DIY applies to most of your subcontractors cryogenic applications
• You park your car perfectly centered between the painted lines in the “car park” and you still don’t have enough room to open any of the doors wide enough to get out of the car
• When people talk about something 100 years old as being “new” and traveling 100 miles as a “journey“ of a lifetime.
• When you realize you have $40.00 worth of coins in your front pocket
• You’re eating baked beans for breakfast
• It’s raining
• Your sandwich has mayonnaise
• You push the lever twice to flush
• The restrooms are toilets
• You fill the sink to get warm water
• Sometimes hot water is on the left, sometimes on the right
• The road has no shoulder
• Every intersection is a roundabout
• Your coffee is instant
• Your beer is warm
• Your Coke is warmer and has one ice cube
• The bar does not serve martinis
• The newscaster reads the newspaper
• The only thing on TV are people sleeping
• Your helium level sensor doesn’t work
• Your car is on the left and your steering wheel is on the right
• The crossing herd are rabbits
• Cottage Tandoori is on your speed dial
• You are always on camera
• Winnie the Pooh is a local
• When DIY applies to most of your subcontractors cryogenic applications
• You park your car perfectly centered between the painted lines in the “car park” and you still don’t have enough room to open any of the doors wide enough to get out of the car
• When people talk about something 100 years old as being “new” and traveling 100 miles as a “journey“ of a lifetime.
• When you realize you have $40.00 worth of coins in your front pocket
• You’re eating baked beans for breakfast
-
Ron in South Texas
- Posts: 249
- Joined: Mon Aug 07, 2006 4:15 pm
- Location: Skidmore, Texas
Re: Need a laugh?
Dear Jim Bob,
I am writing this slow because I know that you can't read fast.
We don't live where we did when you left home.
Your dad read in the paper that most accidents happen within 20 miles from your home so we moved.
I won't be able to send you the address, as the last family that lived here took the house numbers when they left so that they wouldn't have to change their address.
This place is real nice. It even has a washing machine. I'm not sure if it works too well though.
Last week I put a load in, pulled the chain, and haven't seen them since.
The weather isn't too bad here., it only rained twice last week, The first time it rained for three days and the second time for four days. The coat you wanted me to send you, your Uncle Steve said it would be a little too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets. We got another bill from the funeral home.
They said if we don't make the last payment on Grandma's grave, up she comes. John locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were worried because it took him two hours to get me and Shelby out.
Your sister had a baby this morning but I haven't found out what it is yet, so I don't know if you're an aunt or an uncle. If the baby is a girl, your sister is going to name it after me, she's going to call it Mom.
Uncle Pete fell in a whiskey vat last week. Some man tried to pull him out but he fought them off and drowned. We had him cremated and he burned for three days.
Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pick-up truck. Ralph was driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your two friends were in the back. They drowned because they couldn't get the tailgate down.
There isn't much more news at this time. Nothing much has happened.
I am writing this slow because I know that you can't read fast.
We don't live where we did when you left home.
Your dad read in the paper that most accidents happen within 20 miles from your home so we moved.
I won't be able to send you the address, as the last family that lived here took the house numbers when they left so that they wouldn't have to change their address.
This place is real nice. It even has a washing machine. I'm not sure if it works too well though.
Last week I put a load in, pulled the chain, and haven't seen them since.
The weather isn't too bad here., it only rained twice last week, The first time it rained for three days and the second time for four days. The coat you wanted me to send you, your Uncle Steve said it would be a little too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets. We got another bill from the funeral home.
They said if we don't make the last payment on Grandma's grave, up she comes. John locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were worried because it took him two hours to get me and Shelby out.
Your sister had a baby this morning but I haven't found out what it is yet, so I don't know if you're an aunt or an uncle. If the baby is a girl, your sister is going to name it after me, she's going to call it Mom.
Uncle Pete fell in a whiskey vat last week. Some man tried to pull him out but he fought them off and drowned. We had him cremated and he burned for three days.
Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pick-up truck. Ralph was driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your two friends were in the back. They drowned because they couldn't get the tailgate down.
There isn't much more news at this time. Nothing much has happened.
It's 5 O'Clock Somewhere!
-
Ron in South Texas
- Posts: 249
- Joined: Mon Aug 07, 2006 4:15 pm
- Location: Skidmore, Texas
Re: Need a laugh?
A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink, and while he's drinking, the monkey jumps all over the place, eating everything behind the bar. Then the monkey jumps on to the pool table and swallows a billiard ball.
The bartender screams at the guy, "Your monkey just ate the cue ball off my pool table -- whole!"
"Sorry," replied the guy. "He eats everything in sight, the little devil. I'll pay for everything."
The man finishes his drink, pays and leaves.
Two weeks later, he's in the bar with his pet monkey, again. He orders a drink, and the monkey starts running around the bar. The monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his rear, pulls it out and eats it.
The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" he asks.
"Yeah," replies the guy. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he swallowed that cue ball, he measures stuff first."
The bartender screams at the guy, "Your monkey just ate the cue ball off my pool table -- whole!"
"Sorry," replied the guy. "He eats everything in sight, the little devil. I'll pay for everything."
The man finishes his drink, pays and leaves.
Two weeks later, he's in the bar with his pet monkey, again. He orders a drink, and the monkey starts running around the bar. The monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his rear, pulls it out and eats it.
The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" he asks.
"Yeah," replies the guy. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he swallowed that cue ball, he measures stuff first."
It's 5 O'Clock Somewhere!
Re: Need a laugh?
Arkansas's Rules
Pull your droopy pants up. You look like an idiot.
Let's get this straight; it's called a "gravel road." I drive a Pickup truck because I want to. No matter how slow you drive, you're going to get dust on your Lexus. Drive it or get out of the way.
They are cattle & fishing lakes. That's what they smell like to you. They smell like money to us. Get over it.
So you have a $60,000 car. We're impressed. We have $250,000 combines that are driven only 3 times a year.
So every person in every pickup waves. It's called being friendly. Try to understand the concept.
If that cell phone rings while a bunch of ducks are coming in, we WILL shoot it out of your hand. You better hope you don't have it up to your ear at the time.
Yeah, we eat Crappi and Catfish and love it. You really want sushi & caviar? It's available at the corner bait shop.
The "Opener" refers to the first day of deer season. It's a Religious holiday held the closest Saturday to the first of November.
We open doors for women. That is applied to all women, regardless of age.
No, there's no "vegetarian special" on the menu. Order steak. Or you can order the Chef's Salad and pick off the pound of ham & turkey.
When we fill out a table, there are three main dishes: meats, meats, and meats
You bring "coke" into my house, it better be brown, wet, and served over ice. You bring "Mary Jane" into my house, she better be cute, know how to shoot, drive a truck, and have long hair.
Yeah, we have golf courses. But don't hit the water hazards --it spooks the fish.
Pull your droopy pants up. You look like an idiot.
Let's get this straight; it's called a "gravel road." I drive a Pickup truck because I want to. No matter how slow you drive, you're going to get dust on your Lexus. Drive it or get out of the way.
They are cattle & fishing lakes. That's what they smell like to you. They smell like money to us. Get over it.
So you have a $60,000 car. We're impressed. We have $250,000 combines that are driven only 3 times a year.
So every person in every pickup waves. It's called being friendly. Try to understand the concept.
If that cell phone rings while a bunch of ducks are coming in, we WILL shoot it out of your hand. You better hope you don't have it up to your ear at the time.
Yeah, we eat Crappi and Catfish and love it. You really want sushi & caviar? It's available at the corner bait shop.
The "Opener" refers to the first day of deer season. It's a Religious holiday held the closest Saturday to the first of November.
We open doors for women. That is applied to all women, regardless of age.
No, there's no "vegetarian special" on the menu. Order steak. Or you can order the Chef's Salad and pick off the pound of ham & turkey.
When we fill out a table, there are three main dishes: meats, meats, and meats
You bring "coke" into my house, it better be brown, wet, and served over ice. You bring "Mary Jane" into my house, she better be cute, know how to shoot, drive a truck, and have long hair.
Yeah, we have golf courses. But don't hit the water hazards --it spooks the fish.
Re: Need a laugh?
If you think taxing marriage will reduce child abuse, you must be a Colorado Democrat.
If you plan to pay for new programs with revenues from the oil and gas boom but hammer oil and gas companies with higher taxes and ridiculous regulations, you must be a Colorado Democrat.
If you believe illegal aliens should get a break on college tuition but decorated veterans should not, you must be a Colorado Democrat.
If you believe it's OK to require a photo ID to buy beer or cigarettes but not to vote, you must be a Colorado Democrat.
If you believe businessmen and women are motivated by greed but labor union bosses are not, you must be a Colorado Democrat.
If you think making someone pay higher taxes is a "freeze," you must be a Colorado Democrat.
If you believe trial lawyers want to sue for more money to help their clients, you must be a Colorado Democrat.
If you think there's really a difference between a tax and a fee, you must be a Colorado Democrat.
If you really believe in governmental efficiency or bureaucratic flexibility, you must be a Colorado Democrat.
If you believe an unemployed trial lawyer is a bad thing, you must be a Colorado Democrat.
If you think freedom of religion doesn't apply to churches, you must be a Colorado Democrat.
If you believe good education comes from relaxing academic standards but getting tough on soft drink sales, you must be a Colorado Democrat.
If you think we should raise taxes on working families to hire more college professors, you must be a Colorado Democrat.
If you worry more about the cost of keeping criminals behind bars than the cost of putting them back on the streets, you must be a Colorado Democrat.
If you think its wrong for government to legislate morality - except when it pays for that legislation with other people's money, you must be a Colorado Democrat.
If you plan to pay for new programs with revenues from the oil and gas boom but hammer oil and gas companies with higher taxes and ridiculous regulations, you must be a Colorado Democrat.
If you believe illegal aliens should get a break on college tuition but decorated veterans should not, you must be a Colorado Democrat.
If you believe it's OK to require a photo ID to buy beer or cigarettes but not to vote, you must be a Colorado Democrat.
If you believe businessmen and women are motivated by greed but labor union bosses are not, you must be a Colorado Democrat.
If you think making someone pay higher taxes is a "freeze," you must be a Colorado Democrat.
If you believe trial lawyers want to sue for more money to help their clients, you must be a Colorado Democrat.
If you think there's really a difference between a tax and a fee, you must be a Colorado Democrat.
If you really believe in governmental efficiency or bureaucratic flexibility, you must be a Colorado Democrat.
If you believe an unemployed trial lawyer is a bad thing, you must be a Colorado Democrat.
If you think freedom of religion doesn't apply to churches, you must be a Colorado Democrat.
If you believe good education comes from relaxing academic standards but getting tough on soft drink sales, you must be a Colorado Democrat.
If you think we should raise taxes on working families to hire more college professors, you must be a Colorado Democrat.
If you worry more about the cost of keeping criminals behind bars than the cost of putting them back on the streets, you must be a Colorado Democrat.
If you think its wrong for government to legislate morality - except when it pays for that legislation with other people's money, you must be a Colorado Democrat.
Re: Need a laugh?
You know you're from Arkansas when...
There are no men in church on the first day of deer season
There is only one Catholic church in your county.
Thanksgiving dinner includes "polk greens" and no one really knows what it is.
During the summer, you can run out of food and not go shopping for a week because everyone you know invited you to a "fish fry".
You regularly attend "fish fries".
Those "You might be a redneck jokes" apply to you or someone you know.
Everyone knows what chicken wire is.
You say words like "herebouts" as in "she must not be from herebouts".
You can experience all four seasons in the same week.
The cheerleaders win more awards than the football team.
It goes from 70 degrees to 45 in three hours.
After prom you wind up in one of two places, the bowling alley or IHOP.
You use use phrases like "wind up" to describe where you end up.
The most popular place to be after a football game is Wal-Mart (please bring cameras).
You say "simular" instead of "similar".
Everyone you know owns a pick-up truck.
A '65 Mustang is the equivalent to the Hope diamond.
NASCAR and home state college football are practiced religions.
Instead of discussing the finer points of the porche and ferrari, you hear shouting matches about who makes a better truck, Ford or Chevy.
You either live on a farm or know someone who does.
The marching band is just as important as the football team.
The band members are usually considered more cool than the football players.
You know at least 10 people who go by their middle name.
You think think Anit-semitism is a form of cement decay.
You know why America should be afraid of Huckabee becoming president.
You know how to spell "yawmpto" and what it means.
Every Latino is a "Mexican" regardless of where they are actually from.
You "bake" potatoes on the grill.
Grilling is not only a pastime, it's a sport, or a way of life, depending on what region you're in.
In the winter, you hate the rain, and in the summer, you forget what it is.
The tornado siren is your signal to go outside and look for a funnel.
Nobody says a word when someone wheres a chicken suit to school.
Hunting season is a valid reason to skip school.
You know what to fear more, a serial killer or a hillbilly. (case and point, you don't go up into the mountains alone.....period)
If someone says they're going to take you to the "bottoms", you run the other way. (for you northerners, this would be the equivalent of an Italian saying they're going to take you to the docks)
You don't go to the bottoms by yourself....period.
You know what snipe hunting is.
You know what frog gigging is.
You have gone "cow tipping".
You never insult your elders to their face until you've learned words that they don't know.
You know what cantankerous means.
You've had a "coniption".
You have more than one gun rack.
You have been to a "shot-gun" wedding. (this didn't necessarily mean the bride was pregnant)
AND....you know someone who's parents are related.
There are no men in church on the first day of deer season
There is only one Catholic church in your county.
Thanksgiving dinner includes "polk greens" and no one really knows what it is.
During the summer, you can run out of food and not go shopping for a week because everyone you know invited you to a "fish fry".
You regularly attend "fish fries".
Those "You might be a redneck jokes" apply to you or someone you know.
Everyone knows what chicken wire is.
You say words like "herebouts" as in "she must not be from herebouts".
You can experience all four seasons in the same week.
The cheerleaders win more awards than the football team.
It goes from 70 degrees to 45 in three hours.
After prom you wind up in one of two places, the bowling alley or IHOP.
You use use phrases like "wind up" to describe where you end up.
The most popular place to be after a football game is Wal-Mart (please bring cameras).
You say "simular" instead of "similar".
Everyone you know owns a pick-up truck.
A '65 Mustang is the equivalent to the Hope diamond.
NASCAR and home state college football are practiced religions.
Instead of discussing the finer points of the porche and ferrari, you hear shouting matches about who makes a better truck, Ford or Chevy.
You either live on a farm or know someone who does.
The marching band is just as important as the football team.
The band members are usually considered more cool than the football players.
You know at least 10 people who go by their middle name.
You think think Anit-semitism is a form of cement decay.
You know why America should be afraid of Huckabee becoming president.
You know how to spell "yawmpto" and what it means.
Every Latino is a "Mexican" regardless of where they are actually from.
You "bake" potatoes on the grill.
Grilling is not only a pastime, it's a sport, or a way of life, depending on what region you're in.
In the winter, you hate the rain, and in the summer, you forget what it is.
The tornado siren is your signal to go outside and look for a funnel.
Nobody says a word when someone wheres a chicken suit to school.
Hunting season is a valid reason to skip school.
You know what to fear more, a serial killer or a hillbilly. (case and point, you don't go up into the mountains alone.....period)
If someone says they're going to take you to the "bottoms", you run the other way. (for you northerners, this would be the equivalent of an Italian saying they're going to take you to the docks)
You don't go to the bottoms by yourself....period.
You know what snipe hunting is.
You know what frog gigging is.
You have gone "cow tipping".
You never insult your elders to their face until you've learned words that they don't know.
You know what cantankerous means.
You've had a "coniption".
You have more than one gun rack.
You have been to a "shot-gun" wedding. (this didn't necessarily mean the bride was pregnant)
AND....you know someone who's parents are related.
Re: Need a laugh?
How to identify where a driver is from...
One hand on wheel, one hand on horn: Chicago.
One hand on wheel, middle finger out window: New York.
One hand on wheel, middle finger out window, cutting across all lanes of traffic: New jersey.
One hand on wheel, one hand on newspaper, foot solidly on accelerator: Boston.
One hand on wheel, one hand on nonfat double decaf cappuccino, cradling cell phone, brick on accelerator, gun in lap: Los Angeles.
Both hands on wheel, eyes shut, both feet on brake, quivering in terror: From montana, but driving in California.
Both hands in air, gesturing, both feet on accelerator, head turned to talk to someone in back seat: Italy.
One hand on 12 oz. double shot latte, one knee on wheel, cradling cell phone, foot on brake, mind on radio game, banging head on steering wheel while stuck in traffic: Seattle.
One hand on wheel, one hand on hunting rifle, alternating between both feet being on the accelerator, and both feet on brake, throwing McDonald's bag out the window: Texas.
Four-wheel drive pick-up truck, shotgun mounted in rear window, beer cans on floor, prairie dog tails attached to antenna: Wyoming.
Two hands gripping wheel, blue hair barely visible above windshield, driving 35 on the interstate, in the left lane with the left blinker on: Florida
Someone once noted that a Southerner can get away with the most awful kind of insult ...
... just as long as it's prefaced with the words, "Bless her heart" or "Bless his heart." As in, "Bless his heart, if they put his brain on the head of a pin, it'd roll around like a BB on a 6-lane highway."
I was thinking about this the other day when a friend was telling about her new transplanted northern friend who was upset because her toddler is just beginning to talk and he has a southern accent. My friend, who is very kind and, bless her heart, cannot do a thing about those thighs of hers, was justifiably miffed about this. After all, this woman had CHOSEN to move to the South a couple of years ago. Can you believe it?" said her friend, "A child of mine is going to be "taaaallllkkin liiiike thiiiissss." Now, don't get me wrong. Some of my dearest friends are from the North, bless their hearts. I welcome their perspective, their friendships, and their recipes for authentic Northern Italian food. I've even gotten past their endless complaints that you can't find good bread down here. And the heathens, bless their hearts, don't like cornbread!
We've already lost too much. I was raised to say "swanee," not swear, but you hardly ever hear anyone say that anymore, I swanee you don't. And I've caught myself thinking twice before saying something is "right much," "right close," or "right good" because non-natives think this is right funny indeed.
I have a friend from Bawston who thinks it's hilarious when I say I've got to "carry" my daughter to the doctor or "cut off" the light. She also gets a giggle every time I am "fixin'" to do something. And, bless their hearts, they don't even know where "over yonder" is, or what "I reckon" means!
My personal favorite was my aunt, saying, "Bless her heart, she can't help being ugly, but she could've stayed home."
Southern girls know bad manners when they see them: 1. Drinking straight out of a can. 2. Not sending thank you notes. 3. Velvet after February. 4. White shoes before Memorial Day or after Labor Day
Southern girls always say: 1. "Yes, ma'am." 2. "Yes, sir."
Southern girls have a distinct way with fond expressions: 1. "Y'all come back now, ya heaah." 2. "Well, bless your heart." 3. "Drop by when you can." 4. "How's your mama?" 5. "Love your hair."
Southern girls know their three R's: 1. Rich 2. Richer 3. Richest
Southern girls know everybody's first name: 1. Honey 2. Darlin' 3. Shugah
Southern girls know the movies that speak to their hearts: 1. "Gone With the Wind" 2. "Fried Green Tomatoes" 3. "Driving Miss Daisy" 4. "Steel Magnolias"
Southern girls know their cities dripping with Southern charm: 1. Hotlanta or Adlanna (Atlanta as outsiders say) 2. Richmon 3. Challston 4. S'vannah 5. Birminham 6. Nawlins' 7. Oh! and that city in Alabama ? It's pronounced MUNTGUMRY!
Southern girls know the three deadly sins: 1. Bad hair 2. Bad manners 3. Bad blind dates
You Know You're From Maryland When ...
You know more than 10 people who own boats and they all park them at the same marina in Annapolis
1 hour is an easy commute to work
You have more than three recipies for crabcakes
French fries just don't taste right without Old Bay
There are more than two crab places in your town
Even your high school cafeteria made good crabcakes
You got your first lacrosse stick before you were six years old
You call all turtles "terrapins"
You refer to your state as "Merlind"
Your mother shops at Hecht's
You still call Six Flags America "Adventure World", or even >"Wild World"
You can tell the difference between the smells of septic and marsh
You not only know how to eat hard crabs but you also know how to catch them, >cook them and tell the males from the females.
You don't think that Assawoman Bay is a strange name for a body of water.
You know perfectly well why Rehoboth is called "Little San Francisco."
M R Ducks makes perfect sense. So does C M Wangs.
You think Salisbury is a big city.
You think of dumplings as wet slippery squares of boiled dough
You and your boss take off of work when the fish are running or the ducks are flying in.
You think of "Dairy Queen" as a pageant title and not a place to get an ice cream.
"Formal wear" is a ball cap, a flannel shirt and Timberlands.
You still root for the Orioles even when they suck
You'll never understand why tourists come to DC.
When in Florida, you can only laugh when you see signs saying
"Real Maryland Blue Crab Cakes!"
You color with "Crowns", take a "Share" with "Wooter" and think the president lives in "Warshenton."
You know the difference between Glen Burnie ghetto and Catonsville ghetto.
Your whole family lives within a 200 mile radius of your town.
At least one man in your family is a waterman
You plan for "The Festival" a year in advance.
During the summer, you spend more time in Ocean City than at home
Your radio dial is stuck on 99.1
And we still have 3 more weeks of you know you're from---
One hand on wheel, one hand on horn: Chicago.
One hand on wheel, middle finger out window: New York.
One hand on wheel, middle finger out window, cutting across all lanes of traffic: New jersey.
One hand on wheel, one hand on newspaper, foot solidly on accelerator: Boston.
One hand on wheel, one hand on nonfat double decaf cappuccino, cradling cell phone, brick on accelerator, gun in lap: Los Angeles.
Both hands on wheel, eyes shut, both feet on brake, quivering in terror: From montana, but driving in California.
Both hands in air, gesturing, both feet on accelerator, head turned to talk to someone in back seat: Italy.
One hand on 12 oz. double shot latte, one knee on wheel, cradling cell phone, foot on brake, mind on radio game, banging head on steering wheel while stuck in traffic: Seattle.
One hand on wheel, one hand on hunting rifle, alternating between both feet being on the accelerator, and both feet on brake, throwing McDonald's bag out the window: Texas.
Four-wheel drive pick-up truck, shotgun mounted in rear window, beer cans on floor, prairie dog tails attached to antenna: Wyoming.
Two hands gripping wheel, blue hair barely visible above windshield, driving 35 on the interstate, in the left lane with the left blinker on: Florida
Someone once noted that a Southerner can get away with the most awful kind of insult ...
... just as long as it's prefaced with the words, "Bless her heart" or "Bless his heart." As in, "Bless his heart, if they put his brain on the head of a pin, it'd roll around like a BB on a 6-lane highway."
I was thinking about this the other day when a friend was telling about her new transplanted northern friend who was upset because her toddler is just beginning to talk and he has a southern accent. My friend, who is very kind and, bless her heart, cannot do a thing about those thighs of hers, was justifiably miffed about this. After all, this woman had CHOSEN to move to the South a couple of years ago. Can you believe it?" said her friend, "A child of mine is going to be "taaaallllkkin liiiike thiiiissss." Now, don't get me wrong. Some of my dearest friends are from the North, bless their hearts. I welcome their perspective, their friendships, and their recipes for authentic Northern Italian food. I've even gotten past their endless complaints that you can't find good bread down here. And the heathens, bless their hearts, don't like cornbread!
We've already lost too much. I was raised to say "swanee," not swear, but you hardly ever hear anyone say that anymore, I swanee you don't. And I've caught myself thinking twice before saying something is "right much," "right close," or "right good" because non-natives think this is right funny indeed.
I have a friend from Bawston who thinks it's hilarious when I say I've got to "carry" my daughter to the doctor or "cut off" the light. She also gets a giggle every time I am "fixin'" to do something. And, bless their hearts, they don't even know where "over yonder" is, or what "I reckon" means!
My personal favorite was my aunt, saying, "Bless her heart, she can't help being ugly, but she could've stayed home."
Southern girls know bad manners when they see them: 1. Drinking straight out of a can. 2. Not sending thank you notes. 3. Velvet after February. 4. White shoes before Memorial Day or after Labor Day
Southern girls always say: 1. "Yes, ma'am." 2. "Yes, sir."
Southern girls have a distinct way with fond expressions: 1. "Y'all come back now, ya heaah." 2. "Well, bless your heart." 3. "Drop by when you can." 4. "How's your mama?" 5. "Love your hair."
Southern girls know their three R's: 1. Rich 2. Richer 3. Richest
Southern girls know everybody's first name: 1. Honey 2. Darlin' 3. Shugah
Southern girls know the movies that speak to their hearts: 1. "Gone With the Wind" 2. "Fried Green Tomatoes" 3. "Driving Miss Daisy" 4. "Steel Magnolias"
Southern girls know their cities dripping with Southern charm: 1. Hotlanta or Adlanna (Atlanta as outsiders say) 2. Richmon 3. Challston 4. S'vannah 5. Birminham 6. Nawlins' 7. Oh! and that city in Alabama ? It's pronounced MUNTGUMRY!
Southern girls know the three deadly sins: 1. Bad hair 2. Bad manners 3. Bad blind dates
You Know You're From Maryland When ...
You know more than 10 people who own boats and they all park them at the same marina in Annapolis
1 hour is an easy commute to work
You have more than three recipies for crabcakes
French fries just don't taste right without Old Bay
There are more than two crab places in your town
Even your high school cafeteria made good crabcakes
You got your first lacrosse stick before you were six years old
You call all turtles "terrapins"
You refer to your state as "Merlind"
Your mother shops at Hecht's
You still call Six Flags America "Adventure World", or even >"Wild World"
You can tell the difference between the smells of septic and marsh
You not only know how to eat hard crabs but you also know how to catch them, >cook them and tell the males from the females.
You don't think that Assawoman Bay is a strange name for a body of water.
You know perfectly well why Rehoboth is called "Little San Francisco."
M R Ducks makes perfect sense. So does C M Wangs.
You think Salisbury is a big city.
You think of dumplings as wet slippery squares of boiled dough
You and your boss take off of work when the fish are running or the ducks are flying in.
You think of "Dairy Queen" as a pageant title and not a place to get an ice cream.
"Formal wear" is a ball cap, a flannel shirt and Timberlands.
You still root for the Orioles even when they suck
You'll never understand why tourists come to DC.
When in Florida, you can only laugh when you see signs saying
"Real Maryland Blue Crab Cakes!"
You color with "Crowns", take a "Share" with "Wooter" and think the president lives in "Warshenton."
You know the difference between Glen Burnie ghetto and Catonsville ghetto.
Your whole family lives within a 200 mile radius of your town.
At least one man in your family is a waterman
You plan for "The Festival" a year in advance.
During the summer, you spend more time in Ocean City than at home
Your radio dial is stuck on 99.1
And we still have 3 more weeks of you know you're from---
Re: Need a laugh?
The Top 10 list was voted in the following order:
1. Toad Suck, Ark.
2. Climax, Ga.
3. Boring, Ore.
4. Hooker, Okla.
5. Assawoman, Md.
6. Belchertown, Mass.
7. Roachtown, Ill.
8. Loveladies, N.J.
9. Squabbletown, Calif.
10. Monkey's Eyebrow, Ky.
1. Toad Suck, Ark.
2. Climax, Ga.
3. Boring, Ore.
4. Hooker, Okla.
5. Assawoman, Md.
6. Belchertown, Mass.
7. Roachtown, Ill.
8. Loveladies, N.J.
9. Squabbletown, Calif.
10. Monkey's Eyebrow, Ky.
Re: Need a laugh?
Windows XP New Jersey Edition
(This note is for those outside the Garden State)
Dear Consumas:
It has come ta our attention dat a cupola copies of the WINDOWS XP NEW JOISEY EDITION may have been shipped outsida Joisey. If ya got one a dese, you may need some help unnerstanin da commands.
Da Joisey edition may be recognized by da unique openin' screen. It reads; "Windas XP" wit a background pitcha of Hoboken. When yous start da program, instead of da usual harpy stringy like music, you hear a little Springsteen. It's also shipped wit a Sopranos screen sava.
PLEASE ALSO NOTE:
Recycle bin is labeled "Newark"
My computer is called "My Computa"
The Inbox is referred to as "Da Trunk"
Deleted items are referred to as "Wacked", "Erased", or "Rubbed Out"
Control Panel is known as "The Bosses"
Performing an "illegal operation" is known as "enhancin da family business"
and will actually maximize da program instead of shuttin' it down.
Hard Drive is referred to as "Da turnpike on da way to da shore"
Instead of an error message a "You ain't gonna believe dis" pops up
CHANGES IN TERMINOLOGY IN DA JOISEY EDITION:
OK...........Sure ting
Cancel......Fugetaboutit
Reset........Start ova
Yes............Yeah
No..............Nah
Find............Put a contract out on
Browse........Get a looksee
Back...........U-Toin
Help...........Get your own ansa
Stop............Knock it off
Start............Move it
Settings.......Here's da rules
We regret any inconvenience it may have caused if you mistakenly got a copy of the JOISEY EDITION.
You may return it to Microsoft for a replacement version. YOU GOT A PROBLEM WIT DAT?
(By da way, spellcheck is a nightmare wit da JOISEY edition dey still haven't worked out all da bugs)
(This note is for those outside the Garden State)
Dear Consumas:
It has come ta our attention dat a cupola copies of the WINDOWS XP NEW JOISEY EDITION may have been shipped outsida Joisey. If ya got one a dese, you may need some help unnerstanin da commands.
Da Joisey edition may be recognized by da unique openin' screen. It reads; "Windas XP" wit a background pitcha of Hoboken. When yous start da program, instead of da usual harpy stringy like music, you hear a little Springsteen. It's also shipped wit a Sopranos screen sava.
PLEASE ALSO NOTE:
Recycle bin is labeled "Newark"
My computer is called "My Computa"
The Inbox is referred to as "Da Trunk"
Deleted items are referred to as "Wacked", "Erased", or "Rubbed Out"
Control Panel is known as "The Bosses"
Performing an "illegal operation" is known as "enhancin da family business"
and will actually maximize da program instead of shuttin' it down.
Hard Drive is referred to as "Da turnpike on da way to da shore"
Instead of an error message a "You ain't gonna believe dis" pops up
CHANGES IN TERMINOLOGY IN DA JOISEY EDITION:
OK...........Sure ting
Cancel......Fugetaboutit
Reset........Start ova
Yes............Yeah
No..............Nah
Find............Put a contract out on
Browse........Get a looksee
Back...........U-Toin
Help...........Get your own ansa
Stop............Knock it off
Start............Move it
Settings.......Here's da rules
We regret any inconvenience it may have caused if you mistakenly got a copy of the JOISEY EDITION.
You may return it to Microsoft for a replacement version. YOU GOT A PROBLEM WIT DAT?
(By da way, spellcheck is a nightmare wit da JOISEY edition dey still haven't worked out all da bugs)
Re: Need a laugh?
Welcome to Baltimore
First you must learn to pronounce the city name.... It is Bawl-mer or Ball-tee-more, depending on if you live north or south of Rt. 40.
Next, if your road map is more than a few weeks old, throw it out and buy a new one. If it is a Howard County map and is a day old it is already obsolete.
On Monday you don't wash your clothes, you warsh them. Before you eat a meal you don't wash your hands, you warsh them in wooder.
Forget the traffic rules you learned elsewhere, Baltimore has its own version of traffic rules...."Hold on & pray."
There is no such thing as a dangerous high-speed chase in Baltimore ... we all drive like that.
All directions start with... "The Beltway...."....which has no beginning and no end.
The morning rush hour is from 6am to 11am, the evening rush hour is from 1pm to 7pm... Friday's rush hour starts Thursday morning.
If you actually stop at a yellow light you will be rear ended, cussed out, and possibly shot. When you are the first one on the starting line, count to 5 when the light turns green before going to avoid crashing into all 5 drivers running the red light in cross-traffic. However, if you don't go as soon as it turns green, you get the finger, a blowing horn, or both.
Construction on I-97 is a way of life and a permanent form of entertainment. Interesting that it's called an "interstate," it runs only from the Beltway to Annapolis. Opening in 1992, it has been torn up and under re-construction ever since. (Does former Gov. Glendenning have any relatives who build highways?)
All unexplained sights are explained by the phrase "Oh, we're in GLIMBURNIE!"
If someone actually has their turn signal on it is probably a factory defect.
Car horns are actually "Road Rage" indicators.
All old ladies with blue hair and Buicks have the right of way. PERIOD
All roads mysteriously change their names as you cross intersections.
A trip across town (north to south) will take a minimum of four hours, although the tunnel does have, on occasion, more than one lane open. But never on holiday weekends.
The minimum acceptable speed on the Beltway is 85mph, anything less is considered downright sissy.
The Beltway is our daily version of NASCAR.
If the humidity is 98+ and the temperature is 98+ it's May/June/July/August/September.
If it is 10 degrees, it is Orioles Opening Day.
If it is 110 degrees, it is opening day at Ravens Stadium.
If you go to a football game, pay the $75.00 to park in the "Ravens Lot." Parking elsewhere could cost up to $7500.00 for damages, towing fees, parking tickets, etc.
If some guy with a flag tries to get you to park in his yard during Preakness ... run over him! It's probably not his yard anyway.
Oh yeah... Welcome to Baltimore, Hon!
First you must learn to pronounce the city name.... It is Bawl-mer or Ball-tee-more, depending on if you live north or south of Rt. 40.
Next, if your road map is more than a few weeks old, throw it out and buy a new one. If it is a Howard County map and is a day old it is already obsolete.
On Monday you don't wash your clothes, you warsh them. Before you eat a meal you don't wash your hands, you warsh them in wooder.
Forget the traffic rules you learned elsewhere, Baltimore has its own version of traffic rules...."Hold on & pray."
There is no such thing as a dangerous high-speed chase in Baltimore ... we all drive like that.
All directions start with... "The Beltway...."....which has no beginning and no end.
The morning rush hour is from 6am to 11am, the evening rush hour is from 1pm to 7pm... Friday's rush hour starts Thursday morning.
If you actually stop at a yellow light you will be rear ended, cussed out, and possibly shot. When you are the first one on the starting line, count to 5 when the light turns green before going to avoid crashing into all 5 drivers running the red light in cross-traffic. However, if you don't go as soon as it turns green, you get the finger, a blowing horn, or both.
Construction on I-97 is a way of life and a permanent form of entertainment. Interesting that it's called an "interstate," it runs only from the Beltway to Annapolis. Opening in 1992, it has been torn up and under re-construction ever since. (Does former Gov. Glendenning have any relatives who build highways?)
All unexplained sights are explained by the phrase "Oh, we're in GLIMBURNIE!"
If someone actually has their turn signal on it is probably a factory defect.
Car horns are actually "Road Rage" indicators.
All old ladies with blue hair and Buicks have the right of way. PERIOD
All roads mysteriously change their names as you cross intersections.
A trip across town (north to south) will take a minimum of four hours, although the tunnel does have, on occasion, more than one lane open. But never on holiday weekends.
The minimum acceptable speed on the Beltway is 85mph, anything less is considered downright sissy.
The Beltway is our daily version of NASCAR.
If the humidity is 98+ and the temperature is 98+ it's May/June/July/August/September.
If it is 10 degrees, it is Orioles Opening Day.
If it is 110 degrees, it is opening day at Ravens Stadium.
If you go to a football game, pay the $75.00 to park in the "Ravens Lot." Parking elsewhere could cost up to $7500.00 for damages, towing fees, parking tickets, etc.
If some guy with a flag tries to get you to park in his yard during Preakness ... run over him! It's probably not his yard anyway.
Oh yeah... Welcome to Baltimore, Hon!
Re: Need a laugh?
You know you're from the North if ...
You've watched the movie "Deliverance" and you're afraid to go on a camping trip. Ever.
For breakfast you'd rather have potatoes than grits.
You can name at least 4 hockey teams.
You've never eaten Okra.
You wonder why people in restaurants don't talk as loud as you do.
You have never planned your summer vacation around a gun & knife show.
You don't have any problems pronouncing "Worcestershire sauce" correctly.
You've never had grain alcohol.
You are familiar with all the rules to Lacrosse.
You have no idea what a polecat is.
You don't see anything wrong with putting a sweater on a poodle.
You've never had bangs.
You'd rather vacation at Martha's Vineyard than Six Flags.
You don't have at least one can of WD-40 somewhere around the house.
You would rather have your son become a lawyer than grow up to get his own TV fishing show.
You refer to two or more people as "you guys" instead of "y'all".
You think more money should go to important scientific research at your university than to pay the salary of the head football coach.
You prefer a bagel over a donut.
You don't know anyone who goes by both their first and middle names.
You get freaked out when strangers in public talk to you.
You don't know what a Piggly-Wiggly is.
You think NASCAR stands for the North American Society for...(something)
You eat fried chicken with a knife and fork.
You use the horn in your car more than once or twice a year.
Everything you know about the Civil War you learned watching TV.
You don't "reckon."
You're not "fixin" to do anything.
You know you’re a Southerner when...
You know the difference between a hissie fit and a conniption, and that you don't "have" them, you "pitch" them.
You know how many fish, collard greens, turnip greens, peas, beans, etc. make up "a mess."
You can show or point out to you the general direction of "yonder."
You know exactly how long "directly" is _ as in: "Going to town, be back directly."
You know that "Gimme some sugar" is not a request for the white, granular sweet substance that sits in a pretty little bowl on the middle of the table.
You know exactly when "by and by" is. They might not use the term, but they know the concept well.
You know instinctively that the best gesture of solace for a neighbor who's got trouble is a plate of hot fried chicken and a big bowl of cold potato salad. (If the neighbor's trouble is a real
crisis, they also know to add a large banana puddin'!)
You grow up knowing the difference between "right near" and "a right far piece." They also know that "just down the road" can be 1 mile or 20.
You know and understand the difference between a redneck, a good ol' boy, and po' white trash.
You never assume that the car with the flashing turn signal is actually going to make a turn.
You know that "fixin'" can be used as a noun, a verb, or an adverb.
You know that the term "booger" can be a resident of the nose, a descriptive, as in "that ol' booger," a first name or something that jumps out at you in the dark and scares you senseless.
You make friends while standing in lines. We don't do "queues", we do "lines," and when we're "in line," we talk to everybody!
You never refer to one person as "y'all."
You know grits come from corn and how to eat them.
You know tomatoes with eggs, bacon, grits, and coffee are perfectly wonderful; that redeye gravy is also a breakfast food; and that fried green tomatoes are not a breakfast food.
You say things like, "Well, I caught myself lookin' .. ,"
You say "sweet tea" and "sweet milk." Sweet tea indicates the need for sugar and lots of it _ we do not like our tea unsweetened. "Sweet milk" means you don't want buttermilk.
You know that if you are with a couple of friends you could be with 2 or 10. The number doesn't matter.
You know you don't scream obscenities at little old ladies who drive 30 MPH on the freeway. You just say, "Bless her heart" and go your own way.
You've watched the movie "Deliverance" and you're afraid to go on a camping trip. Ever.
For breakfast you'd rather have potatoes than grits.
You can name at least 4 hockey teams.
You've never eaten Okra.
You wonder why people in restaurants don't talk as loud as you do.
You have never planned your summer vacation around a gun & knife show.
You don't have any problems pronouncing "Worcestershire sauce" correctly.
You've never had grain alcohol.
You are familiar with all the rules to Lacrosse.
You have no idea what a polecat is.
You don't see anything wrong with putting a sweater on a poodle.
You've never had bangs.
You'd rather vacation at Martha's Vineyard than Six Flags.
You don't have at least one can of WD-40 somewhere around the house.
You would rather have your son become a lawyer than grow up to get his own TV fishing show.
You refer to two or more people as "you guys" instead of "y'all".
You think more money should go to important scientific research at your university than to pay the salary of the head football coach.
You prefer a bagel over a donut.
You don't know anyone who goes by both their first and middle names.
You get freaked out when strangers in public talk to you.
You don't know what a Piggly-Wiggly is.
You think NASCAR stands for the North American Society for...(something)
You eat fried chicken with a knife and fork.
You use the horn in your car more than once or twice a year.
Everything you know about the Civil War you learned watching TV.
You don't "reckon."
You're not "fixin" to do anything.
You know you’re a Southerner when...
You know the difference between a hissie fit and a conniption, and that you don't "have" them, you "pitch" them.
You know how many fish, collard greens, turnip greens, peas, beans, etc. make up "a mess."
You can show or point out to you the general direction of "yonder."
You know exactly how long "directly" is _ as in: "Going to town, be back directly."
You know that "Gimme some sugar" is not a request for the white, granular sweet substance that sits in a pretty little bowl on the middle of the table.
You know exactly when "by and by" is. They might not use the term, but they know the concept well.
You know instinctively that the best gesture of solace for a neighbor who's got trouble is a plate of hot fried chicken and a big bowl of cold potato salad. (If the neighbor's trouble is a real
crisis, they also know to add a large banana puddin'!)
You grow up knowing the difference between "right near" and "a right far piece." They also know that "just down the road" can be 1 mile or 20.
You know and understand the difference between a redneck, a good ol' boy, and po' white trash.
You never assume that the car with the flashing turn signal is actually going to make a turn.
You know that "fixin'" can be used as a noun, a verb, or an adverb.
You know that the term "booger" can be a resident of the nose, a descriptive, as in "that ol' booger," a first name or something that jumps out at you in the dark and scares you senseless.
You make friends while standing in lines. We don't do "queues", we do "lines," and when we're "in line," we talk to everybody!
You never refer to one person as "y'all."
You know grits come from corn and how to eat them.
You know tomatoes with eggs, bacon, grits, and coffee are perfectly wonderful; that redeye gravy is also a breakfast food; and that fried green tomatoes are not a breakfast food.
You say things like, "Well, I caught myself lookin' .. ,"
You say "sweet tea" and "sweet milk." Sweet tea indicates the need for sugar and lots of it _ we do not like our tea unsweetened. "Sweet milk" means you don't want buttermilk.
You know that if you are with a couple of friends you could be with 2 or 10. The number doesn't matter.
You know you don't scream obscenities at little old ladies who drive 30 MPH on the freeway. You just say, "Bless her heart" and go your own way.
Re: Need a laugh?
Arkansas's Rules
Pull your droopy pants up. You look like an idiot.
Let's get this straight; it's called a "gravel road." I drive a Pickup truck because I want to. No matter how slow you drive, you're going to get dust on your Lexus. Drive it or get out of the way.
They are cattle & fishing lakes. That's what they smell like to you. They smell like money to us. Get over it.
So you have a $60,000 car. We're impressed. We have $250,000 combines that are driven only 3 times a year.
So every person in every pickup waves. It's called being friendly. Try to understand the concept.
If that cell phone rings while a bunch of ducks are coming in, we WILL shoot it out of your hand. You better hope you don't have it up to your ear at the time.
Yeah, we eat Crappi and Catfish and love it. You really want sushi & caviar? It's available at the corner bait shop.
The "Opener" refers to the first day of deer season. It's a Religious holiday held the closest Saturday to the first of November.
We open doors for women. That is applied to all women, regardless of age.
No, there's no "vegetarian special" on the menu. Order steak. Or you can order the Chef's Salad and pick off the pound of ham & turkey.
When we fill out a table, there are three main dishes: meats, meats, and meats
You bring "coke" into my house, it better be brown, wet, and served over ice. You bring "Mary Jane" into my house, she better be cute, know how to shoot, drive a truck, and have long hair.
Yeah, we have golf courses. But don't hit the water hazards --it spooks the fish.
You know you're from Arkansas when...
There are no men in church on the first day of deer season
There is only one Catholic church in your county.
Thanksgiving dinner includes "polk greens" and no one really knows what it is.
During the summer, you can run out of food and not go shopping for a week because everyone you know invited you to a "fish fry".
You regularly attend "fish fries".
Those "You might be a redneck jokes" apply to you or someone you know.
Everyone knows what chicken wire is.
You say words like "herebouts" as in "she must not be from herebouts".
You can experience all four seasons in the same week.
The cheerleaders win more awards than the football team.
It goes from 70 degrees to 45 in three hours.
After prom you wind up in one of two places, the bowling alley or IHOP.
You use use phrases like "wind up" to describe where you end up.
The most popular place to be after a football game is Wal-Mart (please bring cameras).
You say "simular" instead of "similar".
Everyone you know owns a pick-up truck.
A '65 Mustang is the equivalent to the Hope diamond.
NASCAR and home state college football are practiced religions.
Instead of discussing the finer points of the porche and ferrari, you hear shouting matches about who makes a better truck, Ford or Chevy.
You either live on a farm or know someone who does.
The marching band is just as important as the football team.
The band members are usually considered more cool than the football players.
You know at least 10 people who go by their middle name.
You think think Anit-semitism is a form of cement decay.
You know why America should be afraid of Huckabee becoming president.
You know how to spell "yawmpto" and what it means.
Every Latino is a "Mexican" regardless of where they are actually from.
You "bake" potatoes on the grill.
Grilling is not only a pastime, it's a sport, or a way of life, depending on what region you're in.
In the winter, you hate the rain, and in the summer, you forget what it is.
The tornado siren is your signal to go outside and look for a funnel.
Nobody says a word when someone wheres a chicken suit to school.
Hunting season is a valid reason to skip school.
You know what to fear more, a serial killer or a hillbilly. (case and point, you don't go up into the mountains alone.....period)
If someone says they're going to take you to the "bottoms", you run the other way. (for you northerners, this would be the equivalent of an Italian saying they're going to take you to the docks)
You don't go to the bottoms by yourself....period.
You know what snipe hunting is.
You know what frog gigging is.
You have gone "cow tipping".
You never insult your elders to their face until you've learned words that they don't know.
You know what cantankerous means.
You've had a "coniption".
You have more than one gun rack.
You have been to a "shot-gun" wedding. (this didn't necessarily mean the bride was pregnant)
AND....you know someone who's parents are related.
Pull your droopy pants up. You look like an idiot.
Let's get this straight; it's called a "gravel road." I drive a Pickup truck because I want to. No matter how slow you drive, you're going to get dust on your Lexus. Drive it or get out of the way.
They are cattle & fishing lakes. That's what they smell like to you. They smell like money to us. Get over it.
So you have a $60,000 car. We're impressed. We have $250,000 combines that are driven only 3 times a year.
So every person in every pickup waves. It's called being friendly. Try to understand the concept.
If that cell phone rings while a bunch of ducks are coming in, we WILL shoot it out of your hand. You better hope you don't have it up to your ear at the time.
Yeah, we eat Crappi and Catfish and love it. You really want sushi & caviar? It's available at the corner bait shop.
The "Opener" refers to the first day of deer season. It's a Religious holiday held the closest Saturday to the first of November.
We open doors for women. That is applied to all women, regardless of age.
No, there's no "vegetarian special" on the menu. Order steak. Or you can order the Chef's Salad and pick off the pound of ham & turkey.
When we fill out a table, there are three main dishes: meats, meats, and meats
You bring "coke" into my house, it better be brown, wet, and served over ice. You bring "Mary Jane" into my house, she better be cute, know how to shoot, drive a truck, and have long hair.
Yeah, we have golf courses. But don't hit the water hazards --it spooks the fish.
You know you're from Arkansas when...
There are no men in church on the first day of deer season
There is only one Catholic church in your county.
Thanksgiving dinner includes "polk greens" and no one really knows what it is.
During the summer, you can run out of food and not go shopping for a week because everyone you know invited you to a "fish fry".
You regularly attend "fish fries".
Those "You might be a redneck jokes" apply to you or someone you know.
Everyone knows what chicken wire is.
You say words like "herebouts" as in "she must not be from herebouts".
You can experience all four seasons in the same week.
The cheerleaders win more awards than the football team.
It goes from 70 degrees to 45 in three hours.
After prom you wind up in one of two places, the bowling alley or IHOP.
You use use phrases like "wind up" to describe where you end up.
The most popular place to be after a football game is Wal-Mart (please bring cameras).
You say "simular" instead of "similar".
Everyone you know owns a pick-up truck.
A '65 Mustang is the equivalent to the Hope diamond.
NASCAR and home state college football are practiced religions.
Instead of discussing the finer points of the porche and ferrari, you hear shouting matches about who makes a better truck, Ford or Chevy.
You either live on a farm or know someone who does.
The marching band is just as important as the football team.
The band members are usually considered more cool than the football players.
You know at least 10 people who go by their middle name.
You think think Anit-semitism is a form of cement decay.
You know why America should be afraid of Huckabee becoming president.
You know how to spell "yawmpto" and what it means.
Every Latino is a "Mexican" regardless of where they are actually from.
You "bake" potatoes on the grill.
Grilling is not only a pastime, it's a sport, or a way of life, depending on what region you're in.
In the winter, you hate the rain, and in the summer, you forget what it is.
The tornado siren is your signal to go outside and look for a funnel.
Nobody says a word when someone wheres a chicken suit to school.
Hunting season is a valid reason to skip school.
You know what to fear more, a serial killer or a hillbilly. (case and point, you don't go up into the mountains alone.....period)
If someone says they're going to take you to the "bottoms", you run the other way. (for you northerners, this would be the equivalent of an Italian saying they're going to take you to the docks)
You don't go to the bottoms by yourself....period.
You know what snipe hunting is.
You know what frog gigging is.
You have gone "cow tipping".
You never insult your elders to their face until you've learned words that they don't know.
You know what cantankerous means.
You've had a "coniption".
You have more than one gun rack.
You have been to a "shot-gun" wedding. (this didn't necessarily mean the bride was pregnant)
AND....you know someone who's parents are related.