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Need a laugh?
Newfoundland Survival Kit
Now that the summer is upon us, you might be considering a visit to Canada's youngest province. Here are a few survial tips:
a) Memorize all of the jokes at this site. Every Newfoundlander will be impressed that you have taken the time to learn about our culture and can quote these jokes verbatum.
b) Always refer to a Newfoundlander as "Newfie", otherwise you will be considered snobbish.
c) Until you are more familiar with Newfoundland and it's history stick to safe topics when talking to Newfoundladers. A good opening line might be: "I hear unemployment is high in Newfoundland" or "My brother Jack works with a Newfoundlander in Brooks Alberta".
d) Learn how to pronounce Newfoundland. Many Canadians pronounce Newfoundland as "Newf-And-Land", sort of like Understand. This won't get you many friends. The correct pronunciation is "New-Fun-Lin". If you remember any of these tips, make sure it is this one.
e) Don't visit a bar on Monday evening, it will be empty as everyone will be at home watching "This Hour Has 22 Minutes". Also look through the TV Guide to see if "Codco" is on, another good time to stay at home.
f) If you do visit a night club be sure to ask for Screech. You will insult the bartender by asking for anything else. Newfoundlanders are like the Scots when it comes to their national drink. It's a fact the average Newfoundlander drinks Screech with every meal.
g) If you don't get to visit Newfoundland, but meet a Newfoundlander during your visit to Toronto, remember to compliment him/her on the province. A good example would be: "Your from Newfoundland, I love the Maritimes, I visited Nova Scotia two years ago".
h) Memorize all of the jokes at this site. Every Newfoundlander will be impressed that you have taken the time to learn about our culture and can quote these jokes verbatum.
Showing A Horse
There was a guy he walked into this bar. On the door it read "If you can make my horse laugh then I will give you $50".
So he walked up to the bar tender and said I can make your horse laugh. So he went out in the back alley and came back and the horse was laughing. So the bar tender said a deal is a deal and gave him his $50.
Then about three months later the same guy came back into this bar and say a sign on the door it read: If you can make my horse cry then I will give you $50.
So he walked up to the bar tender and said I can make your horse laugh. So he went in to the back alley and made the horse cry. He came back in and the bar tender said a deal is a deal but first tell me how you hade my horse laugh and cry. He said to make him laugh I told him mine is bigger than his. To make him cry I showed him!
"One day a Newfie goes down to the village carpenter and requests a wooden crate that is 1 inch tall, 1 inch wide and 50 feet long."
When the carpenter asks what he needs it for, the Newfie replies "The wife snapped her clothesline the other day, and I have to send it to Toronto to get it fixed."
A Mainlander was driving down the highway and he ran over a rabbit. Wondering what had happened, he stopped his car and got out to look. As he is standing there, looking at the dead rabbit, a Newfie drives by. The Newfie, wondering if he can help, stops and asks the Mainlander what's up.
Mainlander: "I'm here visiting your fair province and I seem to have killed one of your land rodents."
Newfie looks down and sees the dead rabbit.
Newfie: "No problem, b'y. Hang'er down a few."
Newfie goes to his truck and returns with an aerosol spray can. He empties the spray over the rabbit. He then chucks the empty can into the ditch and sez "There ya go, me son. Enjoy yer stay." He gets in his truck and is gone.
The rabbit gets up, hops 10 feet towards the woods, turns around and waves, hops 10 feet, turns around and waves, hops 10 feet and he's gone into the woods.
The Mainlander was astounded!! Wondering what the Newfie did, he got the can out of the ditch and read the label, which said: "Hair spray. Gauranteed to bring dead hair back to life with a permanent wave"
Now that the summer is upon us, you might be considering a visit to Canada's youngest province. Here are a few survial tips:
a) Memorize all of the jokes at this site. Every Newfoundlander will be impressed that you have taken the time to learn about our culture and can quote these jokes verbatum.
b) Always refer to a Newfoundlander as "Newfie", otherwise you will be considered snobbish.
c) Until you are more familiar with Newfoundland and it's history stick to safe topics when talking to Newfoundladers. A good opening line might be: "I hear unemployment is high in Newfoundland" or "My brother Jack works with a Newfoundlander in Brooks Alberta".
d) Learn how to pronounce Newfoundland. Many Canadians pronounce Newfoundland as "Newf-And-Land", sort of like Understand. This won't get you many friends. The correct pronunciation is "New-Fun-Lin". If you remember any of these tips, make sure it is this one.
e) Don't visit a bar on Monday evening, it will be empty as everyone will be at home watching "This Hour Has 22 Minutes". Also look through the TV Guide to see if "Codco" is on, another good time to stay at home.
f) If you do visit a night club be sure to ask for Screech. You will insult the bartender by asking for anything else. Newfoundlanders are like the Scots when it comes to their national drink. It's a fact the average Newfoundlander drinks Screech with every meal.
g) If you don't get to visit Newfoundland, but meet a Newfoundlander during your visit to Toronto, remember to compliment him/her on the province. A good example would be: "Your from Newfoundland, I love the Maritimes, I visited Nova Scotia two years ago".
h) Memorize all of the jokes at this site. Every Newfoundlander will be impressed that you have taken the time to learn about our culture and can quote these jokes verbatum.
Showing A Horse
There was a guy he walked into this bar. On the door it read "If you can make my horse laugh then I will give you $50".
So he walked up to the bar tender and said I can make your horse laugh. So he went out in the back alley and came back and the horse was laughing. So the bar tender said a deal is a deal and gave him his $50.
Then about three months later the same guy came back into this bar and say a sign on the door it read: If you can make my horse cry then I will give you $50.
So he walked up to the bar tender and said I can make your horse laugh. So he went in to the back alley and made the horse cry. He came back in and the bar tender said a deal is a deal but first tell me how you hade my horse laugh and cry. He said to make him laugh I told him mine is bigger than his. To make him cry I showed him!
"One day a Newfie goes down to the village carpenter and requests a wooden crate that is 1 inch tall, 1 inch wide and 50 feet long."
When the carpenter asks what he needs it for, the Newfie replies "The wife snapped her clothesline the other day, and I have to send it to Toronto to get it fixed."
A Mainlander was driving down the highway and he ran over a rabbit. Wondering what had happened, he stopped his car and got out to look. As he is standing there, looking at the dead rabbit, a Newfie drives by. The Newfie, wondering if he can help, stops and asks the Mainlander what's up.
Mainlander: "I'm here visiting your fair province and I seem to have killed one of your land rodents."
Newfie looks down and sees the dead rabbit.
Newfie: "No problem, b'y. Hang'er down a few."
Newfie goes to his truck and returns with an aerosol spray can. He empties the spray over the rabbit. He then chucks the empty can into the ditch and sez "There ya go, me son. Enjoy yer stay." He gets in his truck and is gone.
The rabbit gets up, hops 10 feet towards the woods, turns around and waves, hops 10 feet, turns around and waves, hops 10 feet and he's gone into the woods.
The Mainlander was astounded!! Wondering what the Newfie did, he got the can out of the ditch and read the label, which said: "Hair spray. Gauranteed to bring dead hair back to life with a permanent wave"
Falling in Love A man fell in love with the girl of his dreams. They were perfect for each other, except for one minor problem: She was an Virgina Cavaliers fan and he was a Duke Blue Devils fan. He decided to make the ultimate sacrifice and become a Cavaliers fan. He went to the doctor and asked if there was an easy way to do this. The doctor replied, "Yes, it's a very simple procedure. What we do is go in and remove half your brain. When you wake up, you will be an Virginia Cavaliers fan." The man agrees, and the next week goes into surgery. After he wakes up the doctor comes up to him concerned. "Sir, I apologize, but there was a mix-up with the scalpel. Instead of removing half your brain we removed 3/4 of it. How do you feel?" The man sat up, looked around, and said "GO HOKIES!"B&J in VA wrote:OK, so where are the Virginia jokes??
Q: What does a Virginia Tech fan do when his team has won the BCS championship? A: He turns off the PlayStation 3. Q: What do you call an Virginia Cavalier in a BCS bowl game? A: A referee. Q: What do Virginia and Virginia Tech students have in common? A: They both got in to Virginia Tech Q: What's the difference between a Virginia Tech football player and a dollar? A: You can get four quarters out of a dollar. Q: Did you hear that Virginia's football team doesn't have a website? A: They can't string three "Ws" together. Q: How many Virginia Tech Hokies does it take to change a lightbulb? A: None. Lava lamps don’t burn out man! Q: What are the best four years of an Virginia Tech Hokies life? A: Third grade Q: What does a Virginia native and a bottle of beer have in common? A: They’re both empty from the neck up.
RECALL BULLETIN WASHINGTON, D.C.
Hang on to any of the new State of Florida quarters; if you have them, they may be worth much more than 25 cents.
The U.S. Treasury announced today that it is recalling all of the Florida quarters that are part of its program featuring quarters from each state.
"We are recalling all the new Florida quarters that were recently issued to collectors and were scheduled for nationwide release March 1," Treasury Undersecretary Jack Shackleford said Monday.
"This action is being taken after numerous reports that new quarters will not work in parking meters, toll booths, vending machines, pay phones, or other coin-operated devices".
The quarters were issued in the order in which the various states joined the U.S. and have been a tremendous success among coin collectors worldwide.
"The problem lies in the unique design of the Florida quarter, which was created by a Florida State graduate," Shackleford said.
"Apparently, the duct tape holding the two dimes and the nickel together keeps jamming the coin-operated devices."
Hang on to any of the new State of Florida quarters; if you have them, they may be worth much more than 25 cents.
The U.S. Treasury announced today that it is recalling all of the Florida quarters that are part of its program featuring quarters from each state.
"We are recalling all the new Florida quarters that were recently issued to collectors and were scheduled for nationwide release March 1," Treasury Undersecretary Jack Shackleford said Monday.
"This action is being taken after numerous reports that new quarters will not work in parking meters, toll booths, vending machines, pay phones, or other coin-operated devices".
The quarters were issued in the order in which the various states joined the U.S. and have been a tremendous success among coin collectors worldwide.
"The problem lies in the unique design of the Florida quarter, which was created by a Florida State graduate," Shackleford said.
"Apparently, the duct tape holding the two dimes and the nickel together keeps jamming the coin-operated devices."
Two men were driving through Dubuque, Iowa when they got pulled over by a Dubuque Police Officer. The cop walked up and tapped on the window with his nightstick. The driver rolled down his window and "WHACK," the cop smacked him in the head with his nightstick. "What the hell was that for?" the driver asked. "You're in Iowa, son," the Officer answered. "When we pull you over in Iowa, you better have your license ready by the time we get to your car." "I'm sorry. Officer," the driver said, "I'm from Wisconsin and didn't know your laws here." The officer runs a check on the guy's license--he's clean and gives the guy his license back. The officer then walks around to the passenger side and taps on the window. The passenger rolls down the window and "WHACK," the officer smacks him on the head with the nightstick. "What'd you do that for?" the passenger demands. "Just making your wish come true." replied the officer. "Making WHAT wish come true?" the passenger asks. "Because I know you Cheese head types," the Officer says, "two mikes down the road you're gonna turn to your buddy and say,’ I wish that asshole would've tried that sh*t with me!'"
Why do Nebraska football players like smart women?
Opposites attract.
Why was O.J. trying to escape to Knoxville, Tennessee?
Police would never look for a Heisman Trophy winner there.
Why was O.J. considering moving to West Virginia?
Everyone's DNA there is the same.
Why do Tennessee fans wear orange?
So they can dress that way for the game on Saturday, go hunting on Sunday, and wear it to pick up trash on Monday.
How do you get a former Ohio State football player off your porch?
Pay him for the pizza.
An Alabama fan and a Tennessee fan, fighting side-by-side, were captured during World War II and sentenced to die by firing squad. The enemy commander asked the Tennessee fan if he had any last requests. The Vol said, "I want to hear Rocky Top one last time."
The Bama fan was then asked if he had any last requests. "Yes, shoot me first!"
A man is sitting at a park bench when another man sits next to him and they engage in conversation. Shortly after, the second man says, "So, I bet you're a Texas fan."
The first man says enthusiastically, "Why, yes I am. How did you know? My intelligence? My wit? My good looks?"
The second fellow says, "No. I saw your class ring when you were picking your nose."
A scrawny man at a bar in Columbus says to the guy sitting next to him, "Hey, you want to hear a really funny Ohio State joke?"
The guy replies, "Hey, buddy. See the bartender? He played at Ohio State. See those two huge guys to your left? They played at Ohio State. See that group of big guys over at that table? All Ohio State football players. Look at me. I'm 6'4, 235, and played at Ohio State. Now are you sure you want to tell me your joke?"
The scrawny man says, "Nah. I don't want to have to explain and repeat it five times."
How can you spot a Tennessee fan at a wedding?
Just look for the guy in the orange T-shirt.
What does the average Florida State player get on his SATs?
Drool.
How can you tell if an Auburn football player has a girlfriend?
Tobacco juice on both sides of the pickup truck.
How many Pitt football players does it take to change a light bulb?
Five. And they each get three credits.
University of South Carolina Coach Steve Spurrier comes into the locker room before practice and says to his star receiver, "You're failing math. If you don't want to become academically ineligible, you'll have to answer these math questions correctly." The star receiver agrees and Spurrier asks him, "What does 4 plus 4 equal?"
"Eleven," says the athlete.
The rest of the team pleads, "Give him another chance! Give him another chance!"
Spurrier then asks, "What does 2 plus 2 equal?"
The receiver says, "Four."
The rest of the team yells, "Give him another chance! Give him another chance!"
How many Florida freshmen football players does it take to change a light bulb?
None. That's a sophomore course.
What do you get when you put 32 Arkansas cheerleaders in one room?
A full set of teeth.
Why is Nebraska's football field artificial turf and not real grass?
So the cheerleaders won't graze.
What are the longest three years of a Florida State football player's life?
Freshman year.
Alabama football coach Nick Saban asked the freshman walk-on hopeful if he could tackle.
The kid said, "Yes, sir coach, I can tackle."
The coach then asked, "Well, can you run?"
The kid said, "Yes, sir coach, I can run very fast."
Saban then said, "Can you pass a football?"
The kid thought for a second and said, "Well, coach, if I can swallow it, I can probably pass it."
If you are driving and see a Miami football player riding a bicycle, why should you take great care in not hitting him?
It could be your bike.
You are stuck in a cave with an angry grizzly bear, a mountain lion, and a Texas A&M fan. You have a gun with two bullets. What should you do?
Shoot the Aggie fan...twice.
What do you get if you see an Ohio State fan buried up to his neck in sand?
More sand.
A man asks his friend, "Did you hear about the 22-year-old babe who married the 93-year-old Alabama booster? It was a football wedding."
The friend says, "A football wedding?"
"Yeah, she's waiting for him to kick off."
The Notre Dame fan was complaining to his friend about his wife. He said, "My wife thinks I put the Fighting Irish ahead of our marriage. I disagree. We just celebrated our fourth season together."
How come football isn't a religion this season in the SEC?
It was put on probation.
What do you call 20 Ohio State fans lying on the lawn?
Fertilizer.
How do you get a Nebraska cheerleader into your dorm room?
Grease her hips and push.
Why do Mississippi State football players put their diplomas on the dashboard?
So they can park in a handicapped spot.
Why do Michigan State football players go to movies in groups of 18 or more?
17 and under not admitted.
What is the most common phrase used by a former Colorado football player?
Would you like fries with that?
What do you call a genius sitting in the Arkansas student section?
Visitor.
A young boy and his mother were in the cemetery visiting the grave of a loved one. They came upon a headstone that read, "Here lies a Florida State graduate and an honest man."
The boy then asked his mother, "Mommy, why did they bury two men in there?"
Why did they build a new automobile factory near Oklahoma State?
Because of the endless supply of crash test dummies down the street.
How did the Georgia football player die from drinking milk?
The cow fell on him.
Did you hear about the Florida State kicker who tried to throw himself on the floor in a fit of rage?
He missed.
What's the difference between a litter of puppies and Steve Spurrier?
Puppies stop whining after 8 weeks.
Two West Virginia football players were walking in the woods. One of them said, "Look, a dead bird."
The other looked up in the sky and said, "Where?"
How do you keep a Colorado football player out of your yard?
Put up a goalpost.
How can you tell the female student who is a college football fan from the north from the female student who is a college football fan from the south?
The female student from the north is a physics major who understands Sylvia Plath.
The female student from the south is a Miss USA contestant and understands the west coast offense.
A Clemson football player was almost killed yesterday in a tragic horseback-riding accident. He fell from the horse and was nearly trampled to death. Luckily, the manager of the Wal-Mart came out and unplugged the horse.
A Southern Cal football player was bragging to a group of co-eds that he finished a jigsaw puzzle in only three months. One girl said, "Three months? You're proud of that?"
The Trojan said, "Yep. On the box it said 4-6 years."
What do Penn State football players call the elderly?
Coach.
What do you say to an Ohio State football player dressed in a three-piece suit?
Will the defendant please rise.
What's the difference between a Pitt cheerleader and an elephant?
A couple of hundred pounds.
When do Florida State players NOT run up the score?
When they are taking their SATs.
How can you tell when it's homecoming weekend at Iowa?
The cheerleaders have braided their armpit hair.
What do you get when you drag a $1,000 bill through a housing project?
A Miami football signee.
A man inherited over one billion dollars from a long-lost uncle who happened to be an oil baron. The man, thrilled at his good fortune, asked his young son what he wanted. He told his child that money was no object. The boy said he wanted a Mickey Mouse outfit. So the man bought him the University of Colorado.
What do you call a 200-pound Michigan State cheerleader?
Anorexic.
If three Florida State football players are in a car, who is driving?
The police officer.
How come female college football fans in the south don't carry wallets?
That's what dates are for.
Opposites attract.
Why was O.J. trying to escape to Knoxville, Tennessee?
Police would never look for a Heisman Trophy winner there.
Why was O.J. considering moving to West Virginia?
Everyone's DNA there is the same.
Why do Tennessee fans wear orange?
So they can dress that way for the game on Saturday, go hunting on Sunday, and wear it to pick up trash on Monday.
How do you get a former Ohio State football player off your porch?
Pay him for the pizza.
An Alabama fan and a Tennessee fan, fighting side-by-side, were captured during World War II and sentenced to die by firing squad. The enemy commander asked the Tennessee fan if he had any last requests. The Vol said, "I want to hear Rocky Top one last time."
The Bama fan was then asked if he had any last requests. "Yes, shoot me first!"
A man is sitting at a park bench when another man sits next to him and they engage in conversation. Shortly after, the second man says, "So, I bet you're a Texas fan."
The first man says enthusiastically, "Why, yes I am. How did you know? My intelligence? My wit? My good looks?"
The second fellow says, "No. I saw your class ring when you were picking your nose."
A scrawny man at a bar in Columbus says to the guy sitting next to him, "Hey, you want to hear a really funny Ohio State joke?"
The guy replies, "Hey, buddy. See the bartender? He played at Ohio State. See those two huge guys to your left? They played at Ohio State. See that group of big guys over at that table? All Ohio State football players. Look at me. I'm 6'4, 235, and played at Ohio State. Now are you sure you want to tell me your joke?"
The scrawny man says, "Nah. I don't want to have to explain and repeat it five times."
How can you spot a Tennessee fan at a wedding?
Just look for the guy in the orange T-shirt.
What does the average Florida State player get on his SATs?
Drool.
How can you tell if an Auburn football player has a girlfriend?
Tobacco juice on both sides of the pickup truck.
How many Pitt football players does it take to change a light bulb?
Five. And they each get three credits.
University of South Carolina Coach Steve Spurrier comes into the locker room before practice and says to his star receiver, "You're failing math. If you don't want to become academically ineligible, you'll have to answer these math questions correctly." The star receiver agrees and Spurrier asks him, "What does 4 plus 4 equal?"
"Eleven," says the athlete.
The rest of the team pleads, "Give him another chance! Give him another chance!"
Spurrier then asks, "What does 2 plus 2 equal?"
The receiver says, "Four."
The rest of the team yells, "Give him another chance! Give him another chance!"
How many Florida freshmen football players does it take to change a light bulb?
None. That's a sophomore course.
What do you get when you put 32 Arkansas cheerleaders in one room?
A full set of teeth.
Why is Nebraska's football field artificial turf and not real grass?
So the cheerleaders won't graze.
What are the longest three years of a Florida State football player's life?
Freshman year.
Alabama football coach Nick Saban asked the freshman walk-on hopeful if he could tackle.
The kid said, "Yes, sir coach, I can tackle."
The coach then asked, "Well, can you run?"
The kid said, "Yes, sir coach, I can run very fast."
Saban then said, "Can you pass a football?"
The kid thought for a second and said, "Well, coach, if I can swallow it, I can probably pass it."
If you are driving and see a Miami football player riding a bicycle, why should you take great care in not hitting him?
It could be your bike.
You are stuck in a cave with an angry grizzly bear, a mountain lion, and a Texas A&M fan. You have a gun with two bullets. What should you do?
Shoot the Aggie fan...twice.
What do you get if you see an Ohio State fan buried up to his neck in sand?
More sand.
A man asks his friend, "Did you hear about the 22-year-old babe who married the 93-year-old Alabama booster? It was a football wedding."
The friend says, "A football wedding?"
"Yeah, she's waiting for him to kick off."
The Notre Dame fan was complaining to his friend about his wife. He said, "My wife thinks I put the Fighting Irish ahead of our marriage. I disagree. We just celebrated our fourth season together."
How come football isn't a religion this season in the SEC?
It was put on probation.
What do you call 20 Ohio State fans lying on the lawn?
Fertilizer.
How do you get a Nebraska cheerleader into your dorm room?
Grease her hips and push.
Why do Mississippi State football players put their diplomas on the dashboard?
So they can park in a handicapped spot.
Why do Michigan State football players go to movies in groups of 18 or more?
17 and under not admitted.
What is the most common phrase used by a former Colorado football player?
Would you like fries with that?
What do you call a genius sitting in the Arkansas student section?
Visitor.
A young boy and his mother were in the cemetery visiting the grave of a loved one. They came upon a headstone that read, "Here lies a Florida State graduate and an honest man."
The boy then asked his mother, "Mommy, why did they bury two men in there?"
Why did they build a new automobile factory near Oklahoma State?
Because of the endless supply of crash test dummies down the street.
How did the Georgia football player die from drinking milk?
The cow fell on him.
Did you hear about the Florida State kicker who tried to throw himself on the floor in a fit of rage?
He missed.
What's the difference between a litter of puppies and Steve Spurrier?
Puppies stop whining after 8 weeks.
Two West Virginia football players were walking in the woods. One of them said, "Look, a dead bird."
The other looked up in the sky and said, "Where?"
How do you keep a Colorado football player out of your yard?
Put up a goalpost.
How can you tell the female student who is a college football fan from the north from the female student who is a college football fan from the south?
The female student from the north is a physics major who understands Sylvia Plath.
The female student from the south is a Miss USA contestant and understands the west coast offense.
A Clemson football player was almost killed yesterday in a tragic horseback-riding accident. He fell from the horse and was nearly trampled to death. Luckily, the manager of the Wal-Mart came out and unplugged the horse.
A Southern Cal football player was bragging to a group of co-eds that he finished a jigsaw puzzle in only three months. One girl said, "Three months? You're proud of that?"
The Trojan said, "Yep. On the box it said 4-6 years."
What do Penn State football players call the elderly?
Coach.
What do you say to an Ohio State football player dressed in a three-piece suit?
Will the defendant please rise.
What's the difference between a Pitt cheerleader and an elephant?
A couple of hundred pounds.
When do Florida State players NOT run up the score?
When they are taking their SATs.
How can you tell when it's homecoming weekend at Iowa?
The cheerleaders have braided their armpit hair.
What do you get when you drag a $1,000 bill through a housing project?
A Miami football signee.
A man inherited over one billion dollars from a long-lost uncle who happened to be an oil baron. The man, thrilled at his good fortune, asked his young son what he wanted. He told his child that money was no object. The boy said he wanted a Mickey Mouse outfit. So the man bought him the University of Colorado.
What do you call a 200-pound Michigan State cheerleader?
Anorexic.
If three Florida State football players are in a car, who is driving?
The police officer.
How come female college football fans in the south don't carry wallets?
That's what dates are for.
Q: What do you call a bunch of tractors parked in front of a McDonalds on Friday night in Iowa?
A: Prom.
Q: Why is there a Kentucky?
A: So people of Tennessee have someone to make fun of.
State Mottos
Alabama: Hell Yes, We Have Electricity
Alaska: 11,623 Eskimos Can't Be Wrong!
Arizona: But It's A Dry Heat
Arkansas: Literacy Ain't Everything
California: By 30, Our Women Have More Plastic Than Your Honda
Colorado: If You Don't Ski, Don't Bother
Connecticut: Like Massachusetts, Only The Kennedy's Don't Own It-Yet
Delaware: We Really Do Like The Chemicals In Our Water
Florida: Ask Us About Our Grandkids
Georgia: We Put The "Fun" In Fundamentalist Extremism
Hawaii: Haka Tiki Mou Sha'ami Leeki Toru (Death To Mainland Scum, But Leave
Your Money)
Idaho: More Than Just Potatoes...Well Okay, We're Not, But The Potatoes Sure
Are Real Good
Illinois: Please Don't Pronounce the "S"
Indiana: 2 Billion Years Tidal Wave Free
Iowa: We Do Amazing Things With Corn
Kansas: First Of The Rectangle States
Kentucky: Five Million People; Fifteen Last Names
Louisiana: We're Not ALL Drunk Cajun Wackos, But That's Our Tourism Campaign
Maine: We're Really Cold, But We Have Cheap Lobster
Maryland: If You Can Dream It, We Can Tax It
Massachusetts: Our Taxes Are Lower Than Sweden's (For Most Tax Brackets)
Michigan: First Line Of Defense From The Canadians
Minnesota: 10,000 Lakes... And 10,000,000,000,000 Mosquitoes
Mississippi: Come And Feel Better About Your Own State
Missouri: Your Federal Flood Relief Tax Dollars At Work
Montana: Land Of The Big Sky, The Unabomber, Right-Wing Crazies, And Very
Little Else
Nebraska: Ask About Our State Motto Contest
Nevada: Hookers and Poker!
New Hampshire: Go Away And Leave Us Alone
New Jersey: You Want A ##$%##! Motto? I Got Yer ##$%##! Motto Right Here!
New Mexico: Lizards Make Excellent pets
New York: You Have The Right To Remain Silent, You Have The Right To An
Attorney....
North Carolina: Tobacco Is A Vegetable
North Dakota: We Really Are One Of The 50 States!
Ohio: At Least We're Not Michigan
Oklahoma: Like The Play, Only No Singing
Oregon: Spotted Owl... It's What's For Dinner
Pennsylvania: Cook With Coal
Rhode Island: We're Not REALLY An Island
South Carolina: Remember The Civil War? We Didn't Actually Surrender
South Dakota: Closer Than North Dakota
Tennessee: The Educashun State
Texas: Si' Hablo Ing'les
Utah: Our Jesus Is Better Than Your Jesus
Vermont: Yep
Virginia: Who Says Government Stiffs And Slackjaw Yokels Don't Mix?
Washington: Help! We're Overrun By Nerds And Slackers!
Washington, D.C.: Wanna Be Mayor?
West Virginia: One Big Happy Family... Really!
Wisconsin: Come Cut The Cheese
Wyoming: Where Men Are Men... and the sheep are scared
A: Prom.
Q: Why is there a Kentucky?
A: So people of Tennessee have someone to make fun of.
State Mottos
Alabama: Hell Yes, We Have Electricity
Alaska: 11,623 Eskimos Can't Be Wrong!
Arizona: But It's A Dry Heat
Arkansas: Literacy Ain't Everything
California: By 30, Our Women Have More Plastic Than Your Honda
Colorado: If You Don't Ski, Don't Bother
Connecticut: Like Massachusetts, Only The Kennedy's Don't Own It-Yet
Delaware: We Really Do Like The Chemicals In Our Water
Florida: Ask Us About Our Grandkids
Georgia: We Put The "Fun" In Fundamentalist Extremism
Hawaii: Haka Tiki Mou Sha'ami Leeki Toru (Death To Mainland Scum, But Leave
Your Money)
Idaho: More Than Just Potatoes...Well Okay, We're Not, But The Potatoes Sure
Are Real Good
Illinois: Please Don't Pronounce the "S"
Indiana: 2 Billion Years Tidal Wave Free
Iowa: We Do Amazing Things With Corn
Kansas: First Of The Rectangle States
Kentucky: Five Million People; Fifteen Last Names
Louisiana: We're Not ALL Drunk Cajun Wackos, But That's Our Tourism Campaign
Maine: We're Really Cold, But We Have Cheap Lobster
Maryland: If You Can Dream It, We Can Tax It
Massachusetts: Our Taxes Are Lower Than Sweden's (For Most Tax Brackets)
Michigan: First Line Of Defense From The Canadians
Minnesota: 10,000 Lakes... And 10,000,000,000,000 Mosquitoes
Mississippi: Come And Feel Better About Your Own State
Missouri: Your Federal Flood Relief Tax Dollars At Work
Montana: Land Of The Big Sky, The Unabomber, Right-Wing Crazies, And Very
Little Else
Nebraska: Ask About Our State Motto Contest
Nevada: Hookers and Poker!
New Hampshire: Go Away And Leave Us Alone
New Jersey: You Want A ##$%##! Motto? I Got Yer ##$%##! Motto Right Here!
New Mexico: Lizards Make Excellent pets
New York: You Have The Right To Remain Silent, You Have The Right To An
Attorney....
North Carolina: Tobacco Is A Vegetable
North Dakota: We Really Are One Of The 50 States!
Ohio: At Least We're Not Michigan
Oklahoma: Like The Play, Only No Singing
Oregon: Spotted Owl... It's What's For Dinner
Pennsylvania: Cook With Coal
Rhode Island: We're Not REALLY An Island
South Carolina: Remember The Civil War? We Didn't Actually Surrender
South Dakota: Closer Than North Dakota
Tennessee: The Educashun State
Texas: Si' Hablo Ing'les
Utah: Our Jesus Is Better Than Your Jesus
Vermont: Yep
Virginia: Who Says Government Stiffs And Slackjaw Yokels Don't Mix?
Washington: Help! We're Overrun By Nerds And Slackers!
Washington, D.C.: Wanna Be Mayor?
West Virginia: One Big Happy Family... Really!
Wisconsin: Come Cut The Cheese
Wyoming: Where Men Are Men... and the sheep are scared
Four college alumni were climbing a mountain one day: a North Carolina grad, a NC State grad, a Duke grad, and a Wake grad. Each proclaimed to be the most loyal of all fans at their alma mater. As they climbed higher, they argued as to which one of them was the most loyal of all. They continued to argue all the way up the mountain, and finally as they reached the top, the Duke grad hurled himself off the mountain, shouting “This is for the Duke!” as he fell to his doom. Not wanting to be out done, the Wake grad threw himself off the mountain proclaiming, “This is for the Wake!” Seeing this the North Carolina grad walked over and shouted “This is for the North Carolina!” and pushed the NC State fan off the side of the mountain.
Q: What is the definition of safe sex down in Delaware? A: Placing signs on the animals that kick. Q: How do you casterate an Delaware Fighting Blue Hens fan? A: Kick his sister in the mouth
On a tour of Kansas, the Pope took a couple of days off his itinerary to visit Clinton Lake. His 4X4 Pope-mobile was driving along the shoreline when there was an enormous commotion heard just off shore. They drove closer to see what it was.
Upon approaching the scene, he saw a man in the water wearing a KSU basketball jersey, struggling frantically to free himself from the enormous mouth of a 100 lb plus catfish.
At that moment a speedboat containing three men wearing KU basketball jerseys roared into view from around the point. Immediately, one of the men took aim and fired a harpoon into the giant fish, immobilizing it instantly. The other two reached out and pulled the KSU man from the water and then, using long clubs, beat the catfish to death.
They bundled the bleeding, semi-conscious man into the boat along with the dead catfish and then prepared for a hasty retreat when they heard frantic shouting from the shore. It was the Pope summoning them to the beach.
After they reached shore, the Pope praised them for the rescue and said, "I give you my blessing for your brave actions. I had heard that there were some bitter hatreds between the people of Manhattan and Lawrence, but now I have seen with my own eyes this is not true. I can see that your society is a truly enlightened example of true harmony and could serve as a model on which other states could follow". He blessed them all and drove off in a cloud of dust.
As he departed, the harpooner asked the others, "Who was that?" "That," one answered, "was his Holiness the Pope. He is in direct contact with God and has access to all of God's wisdom."
"Well," the harpooner replied, "he doesn't know anyhing about cat fishing. Is the bait holding up okay or do we need to go get another one?"
How many Arizona State fans does it take to eat an armadillo?
Two. One to do the eating, and one to watch for cars.
______________________________
Ice is no longer available in the drinks at the cafeterias at Arizona State.
The senior who knew the recipe graduated.
an Arizona State fan walks into a hardware store and asks for a chain saw that will cut down 6 trees in one hour.
The salesman recommends the top of the line model and the Arizona State fan, suitably impressed, buys it.
The next day the Arizona State fan brings the chain saw back and says,
“This chain saw is defective. It would only cut down 1 tree and it took ALL DAMN DAY!”
The salesman takes the chain saw and starts it up to see what’s wrong.
The Arizona State fan says, “What’s that noise?”
______________________________
A young ventriloquist is touring Arizona State and stops to entertain at a bar near campus.
He’s doing his usual stupid Redneck jokes when an Arizona State Linebacker in the audience stands up and says “I’ve heard just about enough of your smart ass redneck jokes; we ain’t all stupid here in Arizona State.” Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to apologize, when the Arizona State linebacker pipes up: “You stay out of this mister, I’m talking to the smart ass little fella on your knee!”
Q: What is the definition of safe sex down in Delaware? A: Placing signs on the animals that kick. Q: How do you casterate an Delaware Fighting Blue Hens fan? A: Kick his sister in the mouth
On a tour of Kansas, the Pope took a couple of days off his itinerary to visit Clinton Lake. His 4X4 Pope-mobile was driving along the shoreline when there was an enormous commotion heard just off shore. They drove closer to see what it was.
Upon approaching the scene, he saw a man in the water wearing a KSU basketball jersey, struggling frantically to free himself from the enormous mouth of a 100 lb plus catfish.
At that moment a speedboat containing three men wearing KU basketball jerseys roared into view from around the point. Immediately, one of the men took aim and fired a harpoon into the giant fish, immobilizing it instantly. The other two reached out and pulled the KSU man from the water and then, using long clubs, beat the catfish to death.
They bundled the bleeding, semi-conscious man into the boat along with the dead catfish and then prepared for a hasty retreat when they heard frantic shouting from the shore. It was the Pope summoning them to the beach.
After they reached shore, the Pope praised them for the rescue and said, "I give you my blessing for your brave actions. I had heard that there were some bitter hatreds between the people of Manhattan and Lawrence, but now I have seen with my own eyes this is not true. I can see that your society is a truly enlightened example of true harmony and could serve as a model on which other states could follow". He blessed them all and drove off in a cloud of dust.
As he departed, the harpooner asked the others, "Who was that?" "That," one answered, "was his Holiness the Pope. He is in direct contact with God and has access to all of God's wisdom."
"Well," the harpooner replied, "he doesn't know anyhing about cat fishing. Is the bait holding up okay or do we need to go get another one?"
How many Arizona State fans does it take to eat an armadillo?
Two. One to do the eating, and one to watch for cars.
______________________________
Ice is no longer available in the drinks at the cafeterias at Arizona State.
The senior who knew the recipe graduated.
an Arizona State fan walks into a hardware store and asks for a chain saw that will cut down 6 trees in one hour.
The salesman recommends the top of the line model and the Arizona State fan, suitably impressed, buys it.
The next day the Arizona State fan brings the chain saw back and says,
“This chain saw is defective. It would only cut down 1 tree and it took ALL DAMN DAY!”
The salesman takes the chain saw and starts it up to see what’s wrong.
The Arizona State fan says, “What’s that noise?”
______________________________
A young ventriloquist is touring Arizona State and stops to entertain at a bar near campus.
He’s doing his usual stupid Redneck jokes when an Arizona State Linebacker in the audience stands up and says “I’ve heard just about enough of your smart ass redneck jokes; we ain’t all stupid here in Arizona State.” Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to apologize, when the Arizona State linebacker pipes up: “You stay out of this mister, I’m talking to the smart ass little fella on your knee!”
And the jokes go on It's funny how many I find that only the names change
Signs showing you might be from Canada...
You're not offended by the term "HOMO MILK".
You understand the phrase "Could you pass me a serviette, I just dropped my poutine, on the chesterfield."
You eat chocolate bars, not candy bars.
You drink Pop, not Soda.
You know that a Mickey and 2-4's mean, "party at the camp, eh!!!"
You don't care about the fuss with Cuba. It's a cheap place to go for your holidays, with good cigars and no Americans.
You know that a pike is a type of fish, not part of a highway.
You drive on a highway, not a freeway.
You have Canadian Tire money in your kitchen drawers.
You know that Casey and Finnegan were not part of a Celtic musical group.
You get excited whenever an American television show mentions Canada.
You brag to Americans that: Shania Twain, Jim Carrey, Celine Dion, Michael J. Fox, John Candy, William Shatner, Tom Green, Matthew Perry, Mike Myers, Neve Campbell, Pamela Anderson Lee & many more, are Canadians.
You know that the CEO of American Airlines is a Canadian.
You design your Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit.
You know that the last letter of the English alphabet is always pronounced "Zed".
Your local newspaper covers national news on 2 pages, but requires 6 pages for hockey.
You know that the four seasons mean: almost winter, winter, still winter, and road work.
You know that when it's 25 degrees outside, it's a warm day.
You understand the Labatt Blue commercials.
You know how to pronounce and spell "Saskatchewan".
You perk up when you hear the theme song from 'Hockey Night in Canada'.
You are in grade 12, not the 12th grade.
"Eh?" is a very important part of your vocabulary, and is more polite than, "Huh?"
You say "aboot" instead of "about"
Your Beer Case handles Are Big Enough To Fit Your Mitts
When you own 5 pairs of hockey skates and only one pair of shoes.
You know that we don't all live in igloos and ride polar bears to work.
Every murder is reported.
You can understand Jean Chr�tien (most of the time, anyway)
You froze your tongue to something metal and survived to tell about it.
Signs showing you might be from Canada...
You're not offended by the term "HOMO MILK".
You understand the phrase "Could you pass me a serviette, I just dropped my poutine, on the chesterfield."
You eat chocolate bars, not candy bars.
You drink Pop, not Soda.
You know that a Mickey and 2-4's mean, "party at the camp, eh!!!"
You don't care about the fuss with Cuba. It's a cheap place to go for your holidays, with good cigars and no Americans.
You know that a pike is a type of fish, not part of a highway.
You drive on a highway, not a freeway.
You have Canadian Tire money in your kitchen drawers.
You know that Casey and Finnegan were not part of a Celtic musical group.
You get excited whenever an American television show mentions Canada.
You brag to Americans that: Shania Twain, Jim Carrey, Celine Dion, Michael J. Fox, John Candy, William Shatner, Tom Green, Matthew Perry, Mike Myers, Neve Campbell, Pamela Anderson Lee & many more, are Canadians.
You know that the CEO of American Airlines is a Canadian.
You design your Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit.
You know that the last letter of the English alphabet is always pronounced "Zed".
Your local newspaper covers national news on 2 pages, but requires 6 pages for hockey.
You know that the four seasons mean: almost winter, winter, still winter, and road work.
You know that when it's 25 degrees outside, it's a warm day.
You understand the Labatt Blue commercials.
You know how to pronounce and spell "Saskatchewan".
You perk up when you hear the theme song from 'Hockey Night in Canada'.
You are in grade 12, not the 12th grade.
"Eh?" is a very important part of your vocabulary, and is more polite than, "Huh?"
You say "aboot" instead of "about"
Your Beer Case handles Are Big Enough To Fit Your Mitts
When you own 5 pairs of hockey skates and only one pair of shoes.
You know that we don't all live in igloos and ride polar bears to work.
Every murder is reported.
You can understand Jean Chr�tien (most of the time, anyway)
You froze your tongue to something metal and survived to tell about it.
Q. What does Indiana University need to win a basketball championship?
A. A coach
Q. What to they call students who go to Yale?
A. Rejects from Harvard!
Q. Why does Texas A &M have Astroturf at their football stadium
A. To keep the cheerleaders from grazing.
Q. What do tornadoes and graduates from the university of Oklahoma have in common?
A. They both end up in trailer parks.
A. A coach
Q. What to they call students who go to Yale?
A. Rejects from Harvard!
Q. Why does Texas A &M have Astroturf at their football stadium
A. To keep the cheerleaders from grazing.
Q. What do tornadoes and graduates from the university of Oklahoma have in common?
A. They both end up in trailer parks.
University Seminars For Men Fall Catalogue
Once again, the female staff at the University will be offering courses for men of all marital status in an attempt to help males and females understand each other better. Attendance in at least 10 of the following courses is required.
Etiquette and Behaviour:
EB101: PMS - Learn When To Keep Your Mouth Shut
EB102: We Do Not Want Sleazy Underwear For Christmas
(Just Give Us The Credit Cards)
EB103: How Not To Act Like An Asshole When You Are Obviously Wrong
EB104: Why It Is Unacceptable To Relieve Yourself Anywhere Except In The Bathroom
EB105: You Cannot Always Wear Whatever You Damn Well Please
EB106: How Not To Act Younger Than Your Children
EB107: Attainable Goal - Omitting Foul Expletives From Your Vocabulary
EB108: Fluffing The Blankets After Farting Is Not Necessary
General Electives:
GE101: You, The Weaker Sex
GE102: Mother-in-Laws Are People Too
GE103: The Weekend And Sports Are Not Synonymous
GE104: Male Bonding: Leave Your Friends At Home
GE105: You Don't Look Like Mel Gibson, Especially When Naked
Home Economics:
HE101: You Too Can Do Housework
HE102: How To Properly Fill An Ice Tray
HE103: Wonderful Laundry Techniques (formerly called "Don't Wash My Silks")
HE104: Garbage - Getting It To The Curb
HE105: Get A Life - Learn To Cook
HE106: How To Put Down A Toilet Seat (formerly called "No, It's Not A Bidet")
HE107: How To Tolerate Bras And Pantyhose Hanging In The Bathroom
HE108: How To Color-Coordinate
HE109: Aiming Techniques During Urination
HE110: Overcoming Electronic Gadgetry Obsession
Interpersonal Relationships:
IR101: Understanding The Female Response To Coming Home Drunk At 4:00am
IR102: Reasons To Give Flowers
IR103: Give Me A Break - Why We Know Your Excuses Are Often Bullshit
IR104: Romanticism - Other Ideas Beyond Sex
IR105: Marriage - Those Who Talk And Play Together, Stay Together
Life Skills:
LS101: Combating Stupidity
LS102: Parenting Roles Beyond Initial Conception
LS103: Spelling - Even You Can Get It Right
LS104: Understanding Your Financial Incompetence
LS105: How To Go Shopping With Your Mate Without Getting Lost
LS106: The Remote Control - Overcoming Your Dependency
LS107: Helpful Posture Hints For Couch Potatoes
LS108: You Too Can Be A Designated Driver
LS109: Changing Your Underwear - It Really Works!
LS110: You Don't Really Need That Porsche After Thinning Hair And Mid-Life Crisis
LS111: Knowing When To Stop And Ask For Directions When Lost On The Road
Sex Education:
SE101: How To Stay Awake After Sex
SE102: Fall Semester: You Really Can Fall Asleep Without Doing It, If You Really Try Spring Semester: The Morning Dilemma - If It's Awake In The Morning, Take A Cold Shower
SE103: Why Women Enjoy Giving Head About As Much As Men Enjoy Taking Out The Garbage
SE104: How To Interpret A Female "No" Reply When She Really Means "NO"
SE105: How To Interpret A Female "No" Reply When She Really Means "Yes"
SE106: Variations On Sex Positions (formerly called "Women Like To Be On Top Sometimes Too")
SE107: Alternatives To Handle Cases Of Sudden Erection
SE108: Foreplay - The Slow And Easy Appetizer Preceding The Main Meal
University Seminars For Women Fall Catalogue
Once again, the male staff at the University will be offering courses for women of all marital status in an attempt to help males and females understand each other better. Attendance in at least 10 of the following courses is required.
Etiquette and Behaviour:
EB101: PMS (Preposterous Mood Swings) - Learning To Sleep Over At Mother's
EB102: We Do Not Want Ties For Christmas (Just Wear The Sexy Lingerie I Gave You)
EB103: How Not To Sob Like A Sponge When Your Husband Is Right
EB104: Why It Is Unacceptable To Talk About Feminine Hygiene In Mixed Company
EB105: If You Want To Know How That Looks On You, Ask Your Mother
EB106: How To Act Younger Than Your Mother
EB107: Apologizing For Farting When You're On The Toilet Is Not Necessary
General Electives:
GE101: You, The Whining Sex
GE102: Why You Don't Need To Invite Your Mother Over Every Weekend
GE103: Payday And Shopping Are Not Synonymous
GE104: Female Friendship - Why Your Best Friends Are Not The Women Who Complain About You The Most
GE105: Learning To Appreciate Beer Belly And Lard Butt Morphologies Of Men
Home Economics:
HE101: You Can Change The Oil Too
HE102: How To Properly Fill A Beer Mug
HE103: How To Do All Your Laundry In One Load And Have More Time To Watch Football
HE104: How To Encourage Your Husband To Cook More And Be Able To Stomach His Slop
HE105: Get A Life - Learn To Kill Spiders Yourself
HE106: How To Close The Garage Door
HE107: How To Close The Top On The Toothpaste
HE108: How to Drive a Nail Without Breaking One
HE109: Why Going To The Bathroom Is Not A Group Activity
HE110: Overcoming "The Imelda Syndrome" (formerly called "How Many Feet Do You Have, Anyway?")
Interpersonal Relationships:
IR101: Understanding The Female Causes Of Male Drunkenness
IR102: If You Don't Want An Excuse, Don't Demand An Explanation
IR103: Romanticism - The Whole Point Of Caviar, Candles, And Conversation
IR104: Why Men Enjoy Grocery Shopping About As Much As Women Enjoy Watching "The Three Stooges"
IR105: Marriage - The Number One Cause Of Divorce
Life Skills:
LS101: Combating The Impulse To Nag
LS102: Parenting - Your Husband Gave You Children So You Could Have Someone Else To Boss Around
LS103: Balancing A Check Book - Even You Can Get It Right
LS104: Comprehending Credit Card Spending Limits And Financial Responsibility
LS105: Shopping - Doing It In Less Than 16 Hours
LS106: How To Go Fishing With Your Mate And Not Catch Pneumonia
LS107: Living Without Power Windows - How To Turn A Crank
LS108: How To Retain Your Composure While Your Husband Is Relaxing By Himself
LS109: You Too Can Carry A Backpack
LS110: Dress Like A Slut And Put On Something Sexy - Why It Won't Ruin Your Brain
LS111: Attainable Goal - Catching A Ball Before It Stops Moving
LS112: How To Remain Femininely Enticing And Attractive After Menopause
LS113: How To Parallel Park
Sex Education:
SE101: Reasons To Give Head To Your Man
SE102: How To Stay Awake During Sex And Imagine That It Lasted For Over 10 Minutes
SE103: Fall Semester: You Can Use A Bed For More Than Just Sleep Spring Semester: It's Okay To Do It Outside Of The Bedroom
SE104: How To Say "Yes" More Often
SE105: How To Say "No" But Really Mean "Yes"
SE106: Lingerie - The Gift That Keeps On Giving
SE107: Sexual Alternatives For "That Time Of The Month"
(formerly called "Any Old Port In A Storm")
SE108: Foreplay (not a required course, for extra credit only)
Once again, the female staff at the University will be offering courses for men of all marital status in an attempt to help males and females understand each other better. Attendance in at least 10 of the following courses is required.
Etiquette and Behaviour:
EB101: PMS - Learn When To Keep Your Mouth Shut
EB102: We Do Not Want Sleazy Underwear For Christmas
(Just Give Us The Credit Cards)
EB103: How Not To Act Like An Asshole When You Are Obviously Wrong
EB104: Why It Is Unacceptable To Relieve Yourself Anywhere Except In The Bathroom
EB105: You Cannot Always Wear Whatever You Damn Well Please
EB106: How Not To Act Younger Than Your Children
EB107: Attainable Goal - Omitting Foul Expletives From Your Vocabulary
EB108: Fluffing The Blankets After Farting Is Not Necessary
General Electives:
GE101: You, The Weaker Sex
GE102: Mother-in-Laws Are People Too
GE103: The Weekend And Sports Are Not Synonymous
GE104: Male Bonding: Leave Your Friends At Home
GE105: You Don't Look Like Mel Gibson, Especially When Naked
Home Economics:
HE101: You Too Can Do Housework
HE102: How To Properly Fill An Ice Tray
HE103: Wonderful Laundry Techniques (formerly called "Don't Wash My Silks")
HE104: Garbage - Getting It To The Curb
HE105: Get A Life - Learn To Cook
HE106: How To Put Down A Toilet Seat (formerly called "No, It's Not A Bidet")
HE107: How To Tolerate Bras And Pantyhose Hanging In The Bathroom
HE108: How To Color-Coordinate
HE109: Aiming Techniques During Urination
HE110: Overcoming Electronic Gadgetry Obsession
Interpersonal Relationships:
IR101: Understanding The Female Response To Coming Home Drunk At 4:00am
IR102: Reasons To Give Flowers
IR103: Give Me A Break - Why We Know Your Excuses Are Often Bullshit
IR104: Romanticism - Other Ideas Beyond Sex
IR105: Marriage - Those Who Talk And Play Together, Stay Together
Life Skills:
LS101: Combating Stupidity
LS102: Parenting Roles Beyond Initial Conception
LS103: Spelling - Even You Can Get It Right
LS104: Understanding Your Financial Incompetence
LS105: How To Go Shopping With Your Mate Without Getting Lost
LS106: The Remote Control - Overcoming Your Dependency
LS107: Helpful Posture Hints For Couch Potatoes
LS108: You Too Can Be A Designated Driver
LS109: Changing Your Underwear - It Really Works!
LS110: You Don't Really Need That Porsche After Thinning Hair And Mid-Life Crisis
LS111: Knowing When To Stop And Ask For Directions When Lost On The Road
Sex Education:
SE101: How To Stay Awake After Sex
SE102: Fall Semester: You Really Can Fall Asleep Without Doing It, If You Really Try Spring Semester: The Morning Dilemma - If It's Awake In The Morning, Take A Cold Shower
SE103: Why Women Enjoy Giving Head About As Much As Men Enjoy Taking Out The Garbage
SE104: How To Interpret A Female "No" Reply When She Really Means "NO"
SE105: How To Interpret A Female "No" Reply When She Really Means "Yes"
SE106: Variations On Sex Positions (formerly called "Women Like To Be On Top Sometimes Too")
SE107: Alternatives To Handle Cases Of Sudden Erection
SE108: Foreplay - The Slow And Easy Appetizer Preceding The Main Meal
University Seminars For Women Fall Catalogue
Once again, the male staff at the University will be offering courses for women of all marital status in an attempt to help males and females understand each other better. Attendance in at least 10 of the following courses is required.
Etiquette and Behaviour:
EB101: PMS (Preposterous Mood Swings) - Learning To Sleep Over At Mother's
EB102: We Do Not Want Ties For Christmas (Just Wear The Sexy Lingerie I Gave You)
EB103: How Not To Sob Like A Sponge When Your Husband Is Right
EB104: Why It Is Unacceptable To Talk About Feminine Hygiene In Mixed Company
EB105: If You Want To Know How That Looks On You, Ask Your Mother
EB106: How To Act Younger Than Your Mother
EB107: Apologizing For Farting When You're On The Toilet Is Not Necessary
General Electives:
GE101: You, The Whining Sex
GE102: Why You Don't Need To Invite Your Mother Over Every Weekend
GE103: Payday And Shopping Are Not Synonymous
GE104: Female Friendship - Why Your Best Friends Are Not The Women Who Complain About You The Most
GE105: Learning To Appreciate Beer Belly And Lard Butt Morphologies Of Men
Home Economics:
HE101: You Can Change The Oil Too
HE102: How To Properly Fill A Beer Mug
HE103: How To Do All Your Laundry In One Load And Have More Time To Watch Football
HE104: How To Encourage Your Husband To Cook More And Be Able To Stomach His Slop
HE105: Get A Life - Learn To Kill Spiders Yourself
HE106: How To Close The Garage Door
HE107: How To Close The Top On The Toothpaste
HE108: How to Drive a Nail Without Breaking One
HE109: Why Going To The Bathroom Is Not A Group Activity
HE110: Overcoming "The Imelda Syndrome" (formerly called "How Many Feet Do You Have, Anyway?")
Interpersonal Relationships:
IR101: Understanding The Female Causes Of Male Drunkenness
IR102: If You Don't Want An Excuse, Don't Demand An Explanation
IR103: Romanticism - The Whole Point Of Caviar, Candles, And Conversation
IR104: Why Men Enjoy Grocery Shopping About As Much As Women Enjoy Watching "The Three Stooges"
IR105: Marriage - The Number One Cause Of Divorce
Life Skills:
LS101: Combating The Impulse To Nag
LS102: Parenting - Your Husband Gave You Children So You Could Have Someone Else To Boss Around
LS103: Balancing A Check Book - Even You Can Get It Right
LS104: Comprehending Credit Card Spending Limits And Financial Responsibility
LS105: Shopping - Doing It In Less Than 16 Hours
LS106: How To Go Fishing With Your Mate And Not Catch Pneumonia
LS107: Living Without Power Windows - How To Turn A Crank
LS108: How To Retain Your Composure While Your Husband Is Relaxing By Himself
LS109: You Too Can Carry A Backpack
LS110: Dress Like A Slut And Put On Something Sexy - Why It Won't Ruin Your Brain
LS111: Attainable Goal - Catching A Ball Before It Stops Moving
LS112: How To Remain Femininely Enticing And Attractive After Menopause
LS113: How To Parallel Park
Sex Education:
SE101: Reasons To Give Head To Your Man
SE102: How To Stay Awake During Sex And Imagine That It Lasted For Over 10 Minutes
SE103: Fall Semester: You Can Use A Bed For More Than Just Sleep Spring Semester: It's Okay To Do It Outside Of The Bedroom
SE104: How To Say "Yes" More Often
SE105: How To Say "No" But Really Mean "Yes"
SE106: Lingerie - The Gift That Keeps On Giving
SE107: Sexual Alternatives For "That Time Of The Month"
(formerly called "Any Old Port In A Storm")
SE108: Foreplay (not a required course, for extra credit only)
Jeff Foxworthy on Upstate New York:
"You might live in upstate New York if..."
"If you consider it a sport to gather your food by drilling through 36 inches of ice and sitting there all day hoping that the food will swim by, you might live in Upstate New York."
"If you're proud that your region makes the national news 96 nights a year because Saranac Lake is the coldest spot in the nation, and Syracuse gets more snow than any other major city in the US, you might live in Upstate NY."
"If your local ice cream stand is closed from October through May, you might live in Upstate New York."
"If you get 131 inches of snow in a week and you comment that 'winter's finally here', you might live near Oswego in Upstate New York."
"If you instinctively walk like a penguin for six months out of the year, you might live, bundled up, in Upstate New York."
"If someone in a Home Depot store offers you assistance, and they don't work there, you might live in Upstate NY."
"If your dad's suntan stops at a line curving around the middle of his forehead, you might live in Upstate New York."
"If you have worn shorts and a parka on the same day, you might live in Upstate New York."
"If you have had a lengthy phone conversation with someone who dialed a wrong number, you might live in Upstate New York."
"You know you are a true upstate New Yorker when..."
"Vacation" means going South past Syracuse for the weekend.
You measure distance in hours.
You know several people who have hit a deer more than once.
You often switch from "heat" to "A/C" in the same day and back again.
You can drive 65 mph through 2 feet of snow during a raging blizzard, without flinching.
You carry jumper cables in your car and your girlfriend/wife knows how to use them.
You design your kid's Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit.
Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled with snow.
You know all 4 seasons: almost winter, winter, still winter, and road construction.
You can identify a southern or eastern accent.
Down South to you means Corning.
You go out for a fish fry every Friday.
Your 4th of July picnic was moved indoors due to frost.
You have more miles on your snow blower than your car.
You find 10 degrees "a little chilly." and 55 is shorts weather.
"You might live in upstate New York if..."
"If you consider it a sport to gather your food by drilling through 36 inches of ice and sitting there all day hoping that the food will swim by, you might live in Upstate New York."
"If you're proud that your region makes the national news 96 nights a year because Saranac Lake is the coldest spot in the nation, and Syracuse gets more snow than any other major city in the US, you might live in Upstate NY."
"If your local ice cream stand is closed from October through May, you might live in Upstate New York."
"If you get 131 inches of snow in a week and you comment that 'winter's finally here', you might live near Oswego in Upstate New York."
"If you instinctively walk like a penguin for six months out of the year, you might live, bundled up, in Upstate New York."
"If someone in a Home Depot store offers you assistance, and they don't work there, you might live in Upstate NY."
"If your dad's suntan stops at a line curving around the middle of his forehead, you might live in Upstate New York."
"If you have worn shorts and a parka on the same day, you might live in Upstate New York."
"If you have had a lengthy phone conversation with someone who dialed a wrong number, you might live in Upstate New York."
"You know you are a true upstate New Yorker when..."
"Vacation" means going South past Syracuse for the weekend.
You measure distance in hours.
You know several people who have hit a deer more than once.
You often switch from "heat" to "A/C" in the same day and back again.
You can drive 65 mph through 2 feet of snow during a raging blizzard, without flinching.
You carry jumper cables in your car and your girlfriend/wife knows how to use them.
You design your kid's Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit.
Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled with snow.
You know all 4 seasons: almost winter, winter, still winter, and road construction.
You can identify a southern or eastern accent.
Down South to you means Corning.
You go out for a fish fry every Friday.
Your 4th of July picnic was moved indoors due to frost.
You have more miles on your snow blower than your car.
You find 10 degrees "a little chilly." and 55 is shorts weather.
You know you are from Upper East Tennessee if . . .
You can buy beer at a drive up window and the corner grocery but you have to drive to the Virginia side of Bristol or Johnson City to buy hard liquor ( brand name and taxed ).
You know what a "holler" is and know them all by name in your county.
You refuse to use the new names 911 gave to the roads because of yuppie move-ins pressure. You still call it the Dogtown Road, Bugaboo Holler, Dump Hill and Pogie.
You helped run the KKK out of town.
You’ve had the local sheriff’s dept. deliver a quart of shine to you when you couldn’t get out to get it yourself.
The local sheriff and the resident state trooper buy their liquid refreshment from you.
You stock up on mothballs every spring. The crawl space under your house is covered in them. You’re NOT covered in snakes.
You call everyone older than you aunt or uncle.
You can cook on a wood cook stove.
Your kids have snow days because some of the kids have 10 times as much snow as they do in town.
You get caught in a DUI check point at 3 in the afternoon, and get an ankle bracelet with a large charm from the county.
You ride a horse or mule to work because you lost your license.
You borrow your neighbors license plate so you can drive into town.
The weatherman from town calls for a dusting of snow. You walk out into waist deep white fluffy stuff.
You KNOW that these mountains eat automatic transmissions. You can eat a moon pie, drink a coke and shift gears all at the same time.
You’ve been " maid of honor" in baggy sweats and your fuzzy Elmo house slippers.
Your dog has had the UPS man treed on top of his truck.
You know what a "mountain fiste" is. You also know that THAT is the proper spelling for 200 years, not the way the UKC and AKC spell it.
You’ve made like a hood ornament on a shopping cart while your cousin pushed it thru Winn-Dixie ( and totally embarrassed your {then} Yankee boyfriend.
You’ve embarrassed or scared half to death every Yankee boyfriend you’ve brought home to the holler to meet "the kin".
You don’t know a stranger.
"Family" ain’t necessarily blood kin. Lots of times they’re no relation at all.
You flew the stars and bars at half-mast when Cousin Minnie, Bill Monroe , Grandpa Jones and Dale Earnhardt crossed over the river.
You know what a goober pea is.
. . ."the old lady" , "the old man", "old woman", "old man" are terms of endearment the same as "honey" "sweetheart", etc.
You’d rather raise and can your food rather than go to the store.
You can’t wait for ramps and branch lettuce to come in season.
Mary has ever met you at the courthouse at midnight to renew your tag ‘cause it expired and you forgot about it and you have to drive out of state tomorrow and it’s a weekend.
The church bus comes and picks up your kids for church.
You don’t see anything unusual about a sign on a building saying "Freewill Baptist Church and Wheel Alignments".
Long lines in the store don’t upset you. Just start conversatin’ with the person behind of you.
You always plant by the signs.
.You’ve ever used the back of your pickup as a beer can disposal.
Turn signals are considered an optional accessory of vehicles.
You can buy beer at a drive up window and the corner grocery but you have to drive to the Virginia side of Bristol or Johnson City to buy hard liquor ( brand name and taxed ).
You know what a "holler" is and know them all by name in your county.
You refuse to use the new names 911 gave to the roads because of yuppie move-ins pressure. You still call it the Dogtown Road, Bugaboo Holler, Dump Hill and Pogie.
You helped run the KKK out of town.
You’ve had the local sheriff’s dept. deliver a quart of shine to you when you couldn’t get out to get it yourself.
The local sheriff and the resident state trooper buy their liquid refreshment from you.
You stock up on mothballs every spring. The crawl space under your house is covered in them. You’re NOT covered in snakes.
You call everyone older than you aunt or uncle.
You can cook on a wood cook stove.
Your kids have snow days because some of the kids have 10 times as much snow as they do in town.
You get caught in a DUI check point at 3 in the afternoon, and get an ankle bracelet with a large charm from the county.
You ride a horse or mule to work because you lost your license.
You borrow your neighbors license plate so you can drive into town.
The weatherman from town calls for a dusting of snow. You walk out into waist deep white fluffy stuff.
You KNOW that these mountains eat automatic transmissions. You can eat a moon pie, drink a coke and shift gears all at the same time.
You’ve been " maid of honor" in baggy sweats and your fuzzy Elmo house slippers.
Your dog has had the UPS man treed on top of his truck.
You know what a "mountain fiste" is. You also know that THAT is the proper spelling for 200 years, not the way the UKC and AKC spell it.
You’ve made like a hood ornament on a shopping cart while your cousin pushed it thru Winn-Dixie ( and totally embarrassed your {then} Yankee boyfriend.
You’ve embarrassed or scared half to death every Yankee boyfriend you’ve brought home to the holler to meet "the kin".
You don’t know a stranger.
"Family" ain’t necessarily blood kin. Lots of times they’re no relation at all.
You flew the stars and bars at half-mast when Cousin Minnie, Bill Monroe , Grandpa Jones and Dale Earnhardt crossed over the river.
You know what a goober pea is.
. . ."the old lady" , "the old man", "old woman", "old man" are terms of endearment the same as "honey" "sweetheart", etc.
You’d rather raise and can your food rather than go to the store.
You can’t wait for ramps and branch lettuce to come in season.
Mary has ever met you at the courthouse at midnight to renew your tag ‘cause it expired and you forgot about it and you have to drive out of state tomorrow and it’s a weekend.
The church bus comes and picks up your kids for church.
You don’t see anything unusual about a sign on a building saying "Freewill Baptist Church and Wheel Alignments".
Long lines in the store don’t upset you. Just start conversatin’ with the person behind of you.
You always plant by the signs.
.You’ve ever used the back of your pickup as a beer can disposal.
Turn signals are considered an optional accessory of vehicles.
You Might Be a Yankee If
You would rather vacation at Martha's Vineyard than Six Flags.
More than two generations of your family have been kicked out of the same prep school in Connecticut.
You would rather have your son become a lawyer than grow up to get his own TV fishing show.
Instead of referring to two or more people as "y'all," you call them "you guys," even if both of them are women.
You don't think Howard Stern has an accent.
You have never planned your summer vacation around a gun*and*knife show.
You think more money should go to important scientific research at your university than to pay the salary of the head football coach.
You don't have at least one can of WD*40 somewhere around the house.
The last time you smiled was when you prevented someone from getting on an on*ramp on the highway.
You don't have any hats in your closet that advertise feed stores.
The farthest south you've ever been is the perfume counter at Neiman Marcus.
You call binoculars opera glasses.
You can't spit out the car window without pulling over to the side of the road and stopping.
You would never wear pink or an appliqued sweatshirt.
You don't know what appliqued is.
Most of your formative high school experiences took place within the context of a football game.
You don't know anyone with two first names (i.e. Joe Bob, Billy Bob, Bubba Kay Bob, Bob Bob)
You don't have doilies, and you certainly don't know how to make one.
You've never been to a craft show.
You get freaked out when people on the subway talk to you.
You can't do your laundry without quarters.
None of your fur coats are homemade.
You would rather vacation at Martha's Vineyard than Six Flags.
More than two generations of your family have been kicked out of the same prep school in Connecticut.
You would rather have your son become a lawyer than grow up to get his own TV fishing show.
Instead of referring to two or more people as "y'all," you call them "you guys," even if both of them are women.
You don't think Howard Stern has an accent.
You have never planned your summer vacation around a gun*and*knife show.
You think more money should go to important scientific research at your university than to pay the salary of the head football coach.
You don't have at least one can of WD*40 somewhere around the house.
The last time you smiled was when you prevented someone from getting on an on*ramp on the highway.
You don't have any hats in your closet that advertise feed stores.
The farthest south you've ever been is the perfume counter at Neiman Marcus.
You call binoculars opera glasses.
You can't spit out the car window without pulling over to the side of the road and stopping.
You would never wear pink or an appliqued sweatshirt.
You don't know what appliqued is.
Most of your formative high school experiences took place within the context of a football game.
You don't know anyone with two first names (i.e. Joe Bob, Billy Bob, Bubba Kay Bob, Bob Bob)
You don't have doilies, and you certainly don't know how to make one.
You've never been to a craft show.
You get freaked out when people on the subway talk to you.
You can't do your laundry without quarters.
None of your fur coats are homemade.
You Know You Are a True Pennsylvanian when:
"Vacation" means going up north past I-80 for the weekend.
You measure distance in hours.
You know several people who have hit a deer more than once.
You often switch from "heat" to "A/C" in the same day and back again.
You can drive 65 mph through 2 feet of snow during a raging blizzard, without flinching.
You see people wearing camouflage at social events (including weddings).
You install security lights on your house and garage and leave all the doors unlocked.
You carry jumper cables in your car and your girlfriend knows how to use them.
You design your kid's Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit.
Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled with snow.
You know all 4 seasons: almost fall, winter, still winter and road construction.
You can discriminate between a "Lancaster" or an "Allentown" accent.
Your idea of creative landscaping is a concrete statue of a deer next to your blue spruce. It's shot up several times each hunt'n season...
You were unaware that there is a legal drinking age.
Down South to you means West Virginia.
You find 0 degrees "a little chilly."
Your neighbor throws a party to celebrate his NEW FORD F150.
You go out to the big Howard Johnsons fish fry every Friday and bingo at the Catholic Church every Wednesday.
Your 4TH of July picnic was moved indoors due to frost.
You have more miles on your snow blower than your car.
"Vacation" means going up north past I-80 for the weekend.
You measure distance in hours.
You know several people who have hit a deer more than once.
You often switch from "heat" to "A/C" in the same day and back again.
You can drive 65 mph through 2 feet of snow during a raging blizzard, without flinching.
You see people wearing camouflage at social events (including weddings).
You install security lights on your house and garage and leave all the doors unlocked.
You carry jumper cables in your car and your girlfriend knows how to use them.
You design your kid's Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit.
Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled with snow.
You know all 4 seasons: almost fall, winter, still winter and road construction.
You can discriminate between a "Lancaster" or an "Allentown" accent.
Your idea of creative landscaping is a concrete statue of a deer next to your blue spruce. It's shot up several times each hunt'n season...
You were unaware that there is a legal drinking age.
Down South to you means West Virginia.
You find 0 degrees "a little chilly."
Your neighbor throws a party to celebrate his NEW FORD F150.
You go out to the big Howard Johnsons fish fry every Friday and bingo at the Catholic Church every Wednesday.
Your 4TH of July picnic was moved indoors due to frost.
You have more miles on your snow blower than your car.