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shoemak38 · Post by **shoemak38** » Thu May 03, 2012 12:36 pm

Another rerun

you live in New England..
>
If your local Dairy Queen is closed from September
> through May, you live in New England.
>
> If someone in a Home Depot store offers you assistance
> and they don't work there, you live in New England.
>
> If you've worn shorts and a parka at the same time,
> you live in New England.
>
> If you've had a lengthy telephone conversation with someone
> who dialed a wrong number, you live in New England..
>
> If "Vacation" means going anywhere south of New York City
> for the weekend, you live in New England.
>
> If you measure distance in hours, you live in New England..
>
> If you know several people who have hit a deer more than once,
> you live in New England.
>
> If you have switched from "heat" to "A/C" in the same day and back
> again, you live in New England.
>
> If you can drive 75 mph through 2 feet of snow during a raging
> blizzard without flinching, you live in New England..
>
> If you install security lights on your house and garage, but leave
> both unlocked, you live in New England.
>
> If you carry jumpers in your car and your wife knows how to use
> them, you live in New England.
>
> If you design your kid's Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit,
> you live in New England.
>
> If the speed limit on the highway is 55 mph -- you're going 80 and
> everybody is passing you, you live in New England..
>
> If driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled
> with snow, you live in New England.
>
> If you know all 4 seasons: almost winter, winter, still winter and
> road construction, you live in New England.
>
> If you have more miles on your snow blower than your car,
> you live in New England.
>
> If you find 10 degrees "a little chilly", you live in New England.

Two boys are playing hockey on the pond on Boston Common, when one is attacked by a vicious dog.
Thinking quickly, the other boy took his hockey stick and managed to wedge it down the dog's collar and twist, luckily breaking the dog's neck and stopping its attack.

A reporter who was strolling by sees the incident, and rushes over to interview the boy.he starts writing in his notebook,......" Young Bruins Fan Saves friend from Vicious Animal..."

" But I'm not a Bruins Fan," .....the little hero replied.

"Sorry, since we're in Boston, I just assumed you were," said the reporter and starts again.
" Red Sox Fan Rescues Friend from Horrific attack..." he continued writing in his notebook.

" I'm not a Red Sox fan either !!!" The boy said.
" Oh, Patriots Fan Rescues Friend from Horrific attack..." He continued to write in his notebook.

" I'm not a Patriots Fan either", said the boy.

" I assumed everyone in Boston was either for the Bruins, the Red Sox, or the Patriots So, what team do you root for?" the reporter asked.

" I'm a Yankee fan !!! ",........... the child beamed.
The reporter starts a new sheet in his notebook and writes:.......

" Little Bastard from New York Kills Beloved Family Pet
A woman meets a gorgeous man in a bar. They talk, they connect, they end up leaving together.

They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment, she notices that his bedroom is completely packed with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears.

There are three shelves in the bedroom, with hundreds and hundreds of cute, cuddly teddy bears, carefully placed in rows covering the entire wall!

It was obvious that he had taken quite some time to lovingly arrange them and she was immediately touched by the amount of thought he had put into organizing the display.

There were small bears all along the bottom shelf, medium-sized bears covering the length of the middle shelf, and huge, enormous bears running all the way along the top shelf. She found it strange for a young bloke to have such a large a collection of Teddy bears, especially one that's so extensive, but doesn't mention this to him, and actually is quite impressed by his sensitive side.

All the while thinking to herself, "Oh bless! Maybe this guy could be one!

Maybe he could father my children?" She turns to him. They kiss... and then they rip each other's clothes off and make hot steamy love.

After an intense, explosive night of raw passion with this sensitive guy, they are lying there together in the afterglow, the woman rolls over, strokes his chest and asks coyly, "Well, how was it?"

The guy says: "Help yourself to any prize from the bottom shelf."
An elderly man in North Carolina had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back, fixed up really nice, along with some picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees. The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.

As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. When he came closer, he realized it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end to shield themselves.

One of the women shouted to him, 'We're not coming out until you leave!'

The old man frowned and replied, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked' Holding the bucket up he said, 'I'm here to feed the alligator.'

Moral of the story: Old men may move slow but can still think fast.

shoemak38 · Post by **shoemak38** » Thu May 10, 2012 1:20 pm

shoemak38 · Post by **shoemak38** » Thu May 10, 2012 9:06 pm

shoemak38 · Post by **shoemak38** » Thu May 10, 2012 9:10 pm

The local news station was interviewing an 80-year-old lady because she had just gotten married for the fourth time.
The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about what it felt like to be marrying again at 80, and then about
her new husband's occupation .
"He's a funeral director," she answered.
"Interesting," the newsman thought.
He then asked her if she wouldn't mind telling him a little about her first three
husbands and what they did for a living.
She paused for a few moments, needing time to reflect on all those years.
After a short time, a smile came to her face and she answered proudly, explaining that she had first married a banker
when she was in her 20's, then a circus ringmaster when in her 40's, and a preacher when in her 60's, and now -
in her 80's - a funeral director
The interviewer looked at her, quite astonished, and asked why she had married four men with such diverse careers.
(wait for it)
She smiled and explained,.................

"I married
One for the money,
Two for the show,
Three to get ready ,
And four to go. "

shoemak38 · Post by **shoemak38** » Thu May 10, 2012 9:12 pm

A WOMAN'S POEM  Before I lay me down to sleep,  I pray for a man who's not a creep,  One who's handsome, smart and strong.  One who loves to listen long,  One who thinks before he speaks,  One who'll call, not wait for weeks.  I pray he's rich and self-employed,  And when I spend, won't be annoyed.  Pull out my chair and hold my hand.  Massage my feet and help me stand.  Oh send a king to make me a queen.  A man who loves to cook and clean.  I pray this man will love no other.  And relish visits with my mother.    A

MAN'S POEM  I pray for a deaf-mute gymnast nymphomaniac with  big tits who owns a bar on a golf course, and loves  to send me fishing and drinking. This doesn't rhyme and  I don't give a shit.

shoemak38 · Post by **shoemak38** » Thu May 10, 2012 9:13 pm

Dog obstacle course fail

http://www.wimp.com/dogcourse/

sea-nile · Post by **sea-nile** » Fri May 11, 2012 9:34 am

When chemists die, they barium.

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time.

How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.

This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.

I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down.

I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.

They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a Type-O.

PMS jokes aren't funny; period.

Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.

We're going on a class trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there's no pop quiz.

I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?

When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.

Broken pencils are pointless.

I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.

What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool .

I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.

I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.

All the toilets in New York's police stations have been stolen. The police have nothing to go on.

I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.

Haunted French pancakes give me the crêpes.

Velcro - what a rip off!

A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy.

Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!

The earthquake in Washington obviously was the government's fault.

shoemak38 · Post by **shoemak38** » Wed May 16, 2012 8:43 pm

We met on Craigslist so I am hoping that this post finds you. I know that it could quite possibly be the most humiliating first date that you have ever been on, but I am willing to look past that.

I thought we had chemistry sitting at Applebees sharing that basket of Cajun Tots while drinking the Amstel Light. I really felt like there was a connection there. I found you to be intelligent and witty and looked forward to further conversation with you.

At some point in life, everyone has gambled on a fart and lost. It just happened to be on a first date in the passenger seat of my car. Please don't feel bad. The package I sent you with Pepto the next day and the note that said "First dates are always a crap shoot. Call me" was meant to be funny, not offensive.

I have gambled on a fart and lost on multiple occasions. The first time I did it was very memorable. It happened when I was five and sitting on my uncle's lap. I am lactose intolerant, but love cheese. I probably win 95% of the time, but I don't think anyone wins 100% of the time. That's why they call it "gambling".

I'm the last person to judge you for crapping your pants. In fact, I am impressed by your boldness. The timing on the other hand, could have been a tad bit better...like when you're not sitting on a heated leather seat.

What I am trying to say is that if you want to go out again, I would be more than happy to take you someplace where we can get a meal that is high in fiber and less taxing on the digestive tract.

I await your call,
Tad

P.S. - If you shat yourself on purpose to end the evening early. . .touché. .

shoemak38 · Post by **shoemak38** » Wed May 16, 2012 9:58 pm

HOW TO INSTALL A REDNECK HOME SECURITY SYSTEM

1. Go to Goodwill and buy a pair of size 14 -16 men's work boots.
2. Place them on your front porch, along with a copy of Guns & Ammo Magazine.
3. Put four giant dog dishes next to the boots and magazines.

shoemak38 · Post by **shoemak38** » Thu May 17, 2012 12:45 pm

TAX TIME
A woman walks into an accountant's office and tells him that she needs to file her taxes.
The accountant says "Before we begin, I'll need to ask you a few questions."
He gets her name, address, social security number, etc. and then asks "What's your occupation ?"
"I'm a prostitute" she says.
The accountant is somewhat taken aback and says "Let's try to rephrase that.."
The woman says "OK, I'm a high-end call girl."
"No, that still won't work. Try again."
They both think for a minute;
then the woman says "I'm an elite chicken farmer."
The accountant asks "What does chicken farming have to do with being a prostitute ?"
"Well, I managed to raise a thousand little cocks last year."

"Chicken Farmer it is."

shoemak38 · Post by **shoemak38** » Thu May 17, 2012 8:51 pm

7 degrees of blonde

FIRST DEGREE
A married couple were asleep when the phone rang
at 2 in the morning. The very blonde wife picked up the phone,
listened a moment and said 'How should I know, that's 200 miles
from here!' and hung up.
The husband said, 'Who was that?'

The wife answered, 'I don't know, some woman wanting to know if the coast is clear.'

SECOND DEGREE
Two blondes are walking down the street. One notices a compact on the
sidewalk and leans down to pick it up. She opens it, looks in the mirror
and says, 'Hmm, this person looks familiar.'

The second blonde says, 'Here, let me see!'

So, the first blonde hands her the compact.
The second blonde looks in the mirror and says, 'You dummy, it's me!'

THIRD DEGREE
A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and
buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opens the
door she finds him in the arms of a redhead. Well, the blonde is really
angry. She opens her purse to take out the gun, and as she does so, she is
overcome with grief. She takes the gun and puts it to her head.

The boyfriend yells, 'No, honey, don't do it!!!'
The blonde replies, 'Shut up, you're next!'

FOURTH DEGREE
A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals.
She proudly says, 'Go ahead, ask me, ... I know 'em all.'

A friend says, 'OK, what's the capital of Wisconsin?'
The blonde replies,'Oh, that's easy .. it's W.'

FIFTH DEGREE
Q: What did the blonde ask her doctor when he told her she was pregnant?
A: 'Is it mine?'

SIXTH DEGREE
Bambi, a blonde in her fourth year as a UCLA Freshman, sat in her US
Government class. The professor asked Bambi if she knew what
Roe vs. Wade was about.

Bambi pondered the question; then, finally, said, 'That was the decision
George Washington had to make before he crossed the Delaware.'

SEVENTH DEGREE
Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house
ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and
reported the crime. The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the radio,
and a K-9 unit, patrolling nearby, was the first to respond.

As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde
ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then
sat down on the steps. Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, 'I come
home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do
they do? They send me a BLIND policeman!'

Marcia (Mrs. Pete) · Post by **Marcia (Mrs. Pete)** » Thu May 24, 2012 7:12 pm

Shoe, you on vacation? Lookin' for a little laugh. Thank you.

shoemak38 · Post by **shoemak38** » Thu May 24, 2012 9:08 pm

A guy goes to a female dentist to have a tooth extracted.
She pulls out a numbing needle to give the man a shot. "No way! No needles. I hate needles" the patient said.
The dentist starts to hook up the nitrous oxide and the man says:" I can't do the gas thing. The thought of having the gas mask on suffocates me!'
The dentist then asks the patient if he has any objections to taking a pill.
"No objection," he says. "I'm fine with pills."
The dentist gives him a couple of pills. He swallows them.
"What are they?" he says.
"Viagra," says the dentist.
"Heck," the patient says, "I didn't know Viagra worked as a pain killer."
"It doesn't," said the dentist, "But it will give you something to hold on to when I pull your tooth."

shoemak38 · Post by **shoemak38** » Thu May 24, 2012 9:09 pm

2 garbage bags

> A little old lady was walking down the street dragging > two large Plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags rips, > and every once In a while a $20 bill falls out onto the sidewalk. > > Noticing this, a policeman stops her, and says, "Ma'am, > there are $20 bills falling out of your bag." > > "Oh, really? Darnn!" said the little old lady. "I'd > better go back, and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me." > > "Well, now, not so fast," says the cop. "How did you get all that  > money? You didn't steal it, did you?" > > "Oh, no", said the little old lady. "You see, my back > yard is right next to the Lambeau Field parking lot. On game days, a  > lot > of fans come and pee through the fence into my flower garden. So, I > > stand behind the fence with my hedge clippers. Each time some guy  > sticks > his thing through the fence, I say, '$20 or off it comes.' > > "Well, that seems only fair" laughs the cop. "OK. Good > luck! Oh, by the way, what's in the other bag?" > > "Well, you know, not everybody pays."> >

shoemak38 · Post by **shoemak38** » Thu May 24, 2012 9:11 pm

You're gonna say "I didn't know that!" at least 5 times. Really neat stuff here.
Alaska

More than half of the coastline of the entire United States is in Alaska

Amazon

The Amazon rainforest produces more than 20%
of the world's oxygen supply.
The Amazon River pushes so much water into the Atlantic Ocean that, more than one hundred miles at sea off the mouth of the river, one can dip fresh water out of the ocean. The volume of water in the Amazon river is greater than the next eight largest rivers in the world combined and three times the flow of all rivers in the United States .

Antarctica

Antarctica is the only land on our planet that is not owned by any country..
Ninety percent of the world's ice covers Antarctica .
This ice also represents seventy percent of all the fresh water in the world.
As strange as it sounds, however, Antarctica is essentially a desert;
the average yearly total precipitation is about two inches.
Although covered with ice (all but 0.4% of it, ice.),
Antarctica is the driest place on the planet,
with an absolute humidity lower than the Gobi desert.

Brazil

Brazil got its name from the nut, not the other way around.

Canada

Canada has more lakes than the rest of the world combined. Canada is an Indian word meaning ' Big Village '.

Chicago

Next to Warsaw , Chicago has the largest Polish population
in the world.
Detroit

Woodward Avenue in Detroit, Michigan, carries the designation M-1,
so named because it was the first paved road anywhere.

Damascus , Syria

Damascus, Syria, was flourishing a couple of thousand years
before Rome was founded in 753 BC,
making it the oldest continuously inhabited city in existence.

Istanbul , Turkey

Istanbul, Turkey, is the only city in the world
located on two continents.

Los Angeles

Los Angeles ' full name is:
El Pueblo de Nuestra Senora la Reina de Los Angeles de Porciuncula
-- and can be abbreviated to 3.63% of its size: L.A.

New York City

The term 'The Big Apple' was coined
by touring jazz musicians of the 1930s
who used the slang expression 'apple' for any town or city.
Therefore, to play New York City
is to play the big time - The Big Apple.
There are more Irish in New York City
than in Dublin , Ireland ;
more Italians in New York City
than in Rome , Italy ;
and more Jews in New York City
than in Tel Aviv , Israel .

Ohio

There are no natural lakes in the state of Ohio , every one is manmade.

Pitcairn Island

The smallest island with country status is Pitcairn
in Polynesia , at just 1.75 sq. miles/4,53 sq. km.
Rome

The first city to reach a population of 1 million people
was Rome , Italy in 133 B.C.
There is a city called Rome on every continent.
Siberia

Siberia contains more than 25% of the world's forests.

S.M.O.M.

The actual smallest sovereign entity in the world
is the Sovereign Military Order of Malta (S.M.O.M).
It is located in the city of Rome , Italy ,
has an area of two tennis courts
and, as of 2001, has a population of 80
-- 20 less people than the Vatican ..
It is a sovereign entity under international law,
just as the Vatican is.

Sahara Desert

In the Sahara Desert , there is a town named Tidikelt , Algeria ,
which did not receive a drop of rain for ten years.
Technically though, the driest place on Earth
is in the valleys of the Antarctic near Ross Island .
There has been no rainfall there for two million years.
Spain

Spain literally means 'the land of rabbits'.

St. Paul , Minnesota

St. Paul , Minnesota , was originally called Pig's Eye
after a man named Pierre 'Pig's Eye' Parrant
who set up the first business there.

Roads

Chances that a road is unpaved:
in the U.S.A.. = 1%;
in Canada = ...75%

Russia

The deepest hole ever drilled by man is the
Kola Superdeep Borehole, in Russia .
It reached a depth of 12,261 meters
(about 40,226 feet or 7.62 miles).
It was drilled for scientific research
and gave up some unexpected discoveries,
one of which was a huge deposit of hydrogen
- so massive that the mud coming from the hole
was boiling with it.

United States

The Eisenhower interstate system requires
that one mile in every five must be straight.
These straight sections are usable as airstrips
in times of war or other emergencies.

Waterfalls

The water of Angel Falls (the world's highest) in Venezuela
drops 3,212 feet (979 meters).
They are 15 times higher than Niagara Falls .

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