Need a laugh?

shoemak38 · Post by **shoemak38** » Sat Apr 07, 2012 7:10 am

Einstein was born March 14, 1879.
He would be nearly 132 if he were alive today.
Few people remember that he married his cousin, Elsa Lowenthal, after his first marriage failed in 1919.
At the time he stated that he was attracted to Elsa "because she was so well endowed".
He postulated that if you are attracted to women with large breasts, the attraction is even stronger if there is a DNA connection.

This came to be known as....

Einstein's Theory of "Relative Titty."

Oh, stop moaning! I don't write this sh**, I receive it from my warped friends and then send it on to you. Anyway, it beats the hell out of all that political crap.

shoemak38 · Post by **shoemak38** » Sat Apr 07, 2012 7:17 am

Read the story below before listening to the music video. It's hilarious!

A musician named Dave Carroll recently had difficulty with United Airlines.
United apparently damaged his treasured Taylor guitar (worth $3500) during a
flight.
Dave spent over 9 months trying to get United to pay for damages caused by
baggage handlers to his custom Taylor guitar.
During his final exchange with the United Customer Relations Manager, he
stated that he was left with no choice other than to create a music video
for youtube exposing their lack of cooperation.
The Manager responded: "Good luck with that one, pal."

So he posted a retaliatory video on youtube. The video has since received
over 6 million hits.
United Airlines contacted the musician and attempted settlement in exchange
for pulling the video. Naturally his response was: "Good luck with that one,
pal."

Taylor Guitars sent the musician 2 new custom guitars in appreciation for
the product recognition from the video that has led to a sharp increase in
orders.
http://www.youtube.com/watch_popup?v=5YGc4zOqozo

shoemak38 · Post by **shoemak38** » Sat Apr 07, 2012 7:26 am

Thoughts Of A Wandering Mind

I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed it
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I had amnesia once---or twice
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I went to San Francisco . I found someone's heart. Now what?
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Protons have mass? I didn't even know they were Catholic.
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All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy
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If the world were a logical place, men would be the ones who ride horses sidesaddle.
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What is a "free" gift? Aren't all gifts free?
********************

They told me I was gullible and I believed them.
********************

Teach a child to be polite and courteous in the home and, when he grows up, he'll never be
able to merge his car onto the freeway.
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Experience is the thing you have left when everything else is gone.
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One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.
********************

My weight is perfect for my height--which varies.
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I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.
********************

How can there be self-help "groups"?
********************

If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales?
********************

Show me a man with both feet firmly on the ground, and I'll show you a man who can't
get his pants off
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Is it me --or do buffalo wings taste like chicken?
********************

Life is too short, eat dessert first

shoemak38 · Post by **shoemak38** » Fri Apr 13, 2012 10:17 pm

One of the questions from the career placement test given applicants for a military commission.
"Rearrange the letters P N E S I to spell out an important part of human body that is more useful when erect!"

Those who spell spine become doctors...the rest go to flight school...

shoemak38 · Post by **shoemak38** » Fri Apr 13, 2012 10:22 pm

more and more jokes are from links
here is one for NJ

http://www.funnyordie.com/embed/b7e6f00184

How to piss off a frog

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QzXM58qR1Es

mindehankins · Post by **mindehankins** » Sat Apr 14, 2012 5:12 pm

I never comment, Shoe, but want you to know I always read your new additions, and enjoy them

Thank you!

JJShaw · Post by **JJShaw** » Mon Apr 16, 2012 11:14 pm

I ran across this and had to post it...please read:

paper clipping(1) by JnJShaw, on Flickr

JJShaw · Post by **JJShaw** » Mon Apr 16, 2012 11:18 pm

I ran across this on FB...had to repost...enjoy

ONLY A MAN WOULD ATTEMPT THIS Just try reading this without laughing till you cry!!! . . can't be done! Pocket Tazer Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife. A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Tazer for their anniversary submitted this: Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Tazer. The effects of the Tazer were supposed to be short lived, with no long term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety...?? WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home... I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button... Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time, I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs. AWESOME!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave. Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two AAA batteries, right?
There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and then thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong? So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and Tazer in another. The directions said that: a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; and a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries. All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference (loaded with two itsy, bitsy AAA batteries); pretty cute really, and thinking to myself, 'no possible way!'
What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best. I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side so as to say, 'Don't do it stupid,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny lil ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad.. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and... HOLY MOTHER OF GOD. WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION. WHAT THE... !!! I'm pretty sure Hulk Hogan ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs! The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room. Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a Tazer, one note of caution: There is NO such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor! A three second burst would be considered conservative! A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. * My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. * The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was. * My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. * My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. * I had no control over the drooling. Apparently I had crapped in my shorts, but was too numb to know for sure, and my sense of smell was gone. * I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head, which I believe came from my hair. * I'm still looking for my testicles and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return! PS: My wife can't stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift and now regularly threatens me with it! If you think education is difficult, try being stupid!!!

mindehankins · Post by **mindehankins** » Tue Apr 17, 2012 7:16 pm

Ha Ha Ha! That's about what happens! I had to attend taze training for the sheriffs and state police at our casino, cause I'm the medical person. I sure as heck didn't volunteer to be a victim.
Victim had the LEAST fun at that training course!

shoemak38 · Post by **shoemak38** » Sat Apr 21, 2012 7:37 am

shoemak38 · Post by **shoemak38** » Sat Apr 21, 2012 7:46 am

shoemak38 · Post by **shoemak38** » Sat Apr 21, 2012 8:21 am

During a commercial airline flight a retired Pilot was seated next to
a young mother with a babe in arms.

When the baby began crying during the descent for landing, the mother
began breast feeding the infant as discreetly as possible.

The Pilot pretended not to notice and, upon disembarking,
he gallantly offered his assistance to help with the various baby-related items.

When the young mother expressed her gratitude, the pilot responded,
"Gosh, that's a good looking baby...and he sure was hungry!"

Somewhat embarrassed, the mother explained that her pediatrician said
that the time spent on the breast would help alleviate the pressure in
the baby's ears.

The ex-Pilot sadly shook his head, and in true pilot fashion exclaimed:
"And all these years......I've been chewing gum."

shoemak38 · Post by **shoemak38** » Fri Apr 27, 2012 7:59 pm

shoemak38 · Post by **shoemak38** » Fri Apr 27, 2012 8:00 pm

JJShaw · Post by **JJShaw** » Sat Apr 28, 2012 7:25 am

Ed the Chicken

Ed came home drunk one night, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife, and fell into a deep slumber.

He awoke before the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter said, 'You died in your sleep, Ed.'

Ed was stunned. 'I'm dead? No, I can't be! I've got too much to live for. Send me back!'

St. Peter said, 'I'm sorry, but there's only one way you can go back, and that is as a chicken.'

Ed was devastated, but begged St. Peter to send him to a farm near his home. The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking and pecking the ground..

A rooster strolled past. 'So, you're the new hen, huh? How's your first day here?'

'Not bad,' replied Ed the hen, 'but I have this strange feeling inside. Like I'm gonna explode!'

'You're ovulating,' explained the rooster. 'Don't tell me you've never laid an egg before?'

'Never,' said Ed.

'Well, just relax and let it happen,' says the rooster. 'It's no big deal.'

He did, and a few uncomfortable seconds later, out popped an egg! He was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood. He soon laid another egg -- his joy was overwhelming..

As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on the back of his head, and heard.....

"Ed, wake up! You just shit in the bed!"

Getting OLD just ain't what they said it would be!

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