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shoemak38 · Post by **shoemak38** » Thu Mar 15, 2012 8:43 pm

Socrates

In ancient Greece (469 - 399 BC), Socrates was widely lauded for his wisdom. One day an acquaintance ran up to him excitedly and said, "Socrates, do you know what I just heard about Diogenes?" "Wait a moment," Socrates replied, "Before you tell me I'd like you to pass a little test. It's called the ...Triple Filter Test."

"Triple filter?" asked the acquaintance.

"That's right," Socrates continued, "Before you talk to me about Diogenes let's take a moment to filter what you're going to say. The first filter is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?"

"No," the man said, "Actually I just heard about it."

"All right," said Socrates, "So you don't really know if it's true or not. Now let's try the second filter, the filter of Goodness. Is what you are about to tell me about Diogenes something good?"

"No, on the contrary..."

"So," Socrates continued, "You want to tell me something about Diogenes that may be bad, even though you're not certain it's true?"

The man shrugged, a little embarrassed. Socrates continued, "You may still pass the test though, because there is a third filter, the filter of Usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about Diogenes going to be useful to me?"

"No, not really."

"Well," concluded Socrates, "If what you want to tell me is neither True nor Good nor even Useful, why tell it to me or anyone at all?"

The man was bewildered and ashamed. This is an example of why Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem.

It also explains why Socrates never found out that Diogenes was banging his wife.

shoemak38 · Post by **shoemak38** » Thu Mar 15, 2012 8:46 pm

This is my neighbor:

She's single...
She lives right across the street.
I can see her house from my family room.

I watched as she got home from work this evening.
I was surprised when she walked across the street and up my driveway.
She knocked on my door...
I rushed to open it.

She looks at me, and says, “I just got home, and I am so horny! I have this strong urge to have a good time, get drunk, and make love all night long!
Are you busy tonight?”

I immediately replied, “Nope, I'm free... I have no plans at all!”

Then she said, “Good! In that case, could you watch my dog?"

MAN... IT'S NO FUN GETTING OLD!!!

Weather Forecast

I just talked to a guy on Skype living in northern Minnesota near
the Canadian border. He said that since early this morning the snow is
nearly waist high and is still falling. The temperature is dropping
and is at about 15 degrees and the north wind is increasing to near
gale force. His wife has done nothing but look through the kitchen
window and just stare. He says that if it gets much worse, he may have
to let her in...

shoemak38 · Post by **shoemak38** » Thu Mar 22, 2012 8:26 pm

Holy smokes!

Check your shampoo bottle label. I don't know WHY I didn't figure this out sooner!!!! It’s the shampoo I use in the shower! When I wash my hair, the shampoo runs down my whole body and (duh!) printed very clearly on the shampoo label is this warning, FOR EXTRA VOLUME AND BODY! No WONDER I have been gaining weight!!! Well! I have gotten rid of that shampoo and I am going to start using Dawn dish soap instead. Their label reads, DISSOLVES FAT THAT IS OTHERWISE DIFFICULT TO REMOVE. Problem Solved!!!

If I don't answer the phone I'll be in the shower!!!

shoemak38 · Post by **shoemak38** » Thu Mar 22, 2012 8:34 pm

shoemak38 · Post by **shoemak38** » Thu Mar 22, 2012 8:54 pm

shoemak38 · Post by **shoemak38** » Sat Mar 24, 2012 8:14 am

9 months later!!!
  
Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. So, they loaded up Jack's minivan and headed north.   After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.   'I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed,' she explained. 'I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house.'   'Don't worry,' Jack said. 'We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light.' The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.   Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.  But about nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend.   He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, 'Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north about nine months ago?'   'Yes, I do.' Said Bob.  'Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?'   'Well, um, yes' Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out, 'I have to admit that I did.'   'And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her your name?'   Bob's face turned beet red and he said, 'Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did.' '

Why do you ask?

'  'She just died and left me everything.'   (And you thought the ending would be different, didn't you!)

Marcia (Mrs. Pete) · Post by **Marcia (Mrs. Pete)** » Tue Mar 27, 2012 5:55 pm

Me again, Shoe. Looking for a little mid week chuckle. Been a rough patch here and this is where I go for comic relief.

Thanks for offering up just what the doctor ordered.

shoemak38 · Post by **shoemak38** » Tue Mar 27, 2012 7:48 pm

here you go have to go to link (and yes rating is G)

The life of flowers

http://player.vimeo.com/video/27920977? ... ait=0href=

Marcia (Mrs. Pete) · Post by **Marcia (Mrs. Pete)** » Wed Mar 28, 2012 10:54 am

Perfect. I think my blood pressure dropped a few points, exactly what it needs to do!

shoemak38 · Post by **shoemak38** » Wed Mar 28, 2012 6:18 pm

Hard to argue w/this logic

Women always say that giving birth is way more painful than a guy
getting kicked in the family jewels.

Here is proof that they are wrong.

A year or so after giving birth a woman will often say "It might be
nice to have another kid".

You never hear a guy say " Gee, I would like another kick in the nuts".

Case closed.

shoemak38 · Post by **shoemak38** » Thu Mar 29, 2012 8:07 pm

The tax man cometh

=================
At the end of the tax year, the IRS office sent an inspector to audit the books of a local hospital.
While the IRS agent was checking the books, he turned to the CFO of the hospital and said;
"I notice you buy a lot of bandages. What do you do with the end of the roll when there's too
little left to be of any use"?

"Good question ," noted the CFO. "We save them up and send them back to the bandage
company and every once in a while, they send us a free roll."

"Oh," replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical
answer.

But on he went, in his obnoxious way.?"What about all these plaster purchases? What do you
do with what's left over after setting a cast on a patient?" "Ah, yes," replied the CFO, realizing
that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. "We save it and send
it back to the manufacturer and every so often they will send us a free bag of plaster."

"I see," replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all CFO. "Well,"
he went on, "What do you do with all the remains from the circumcision surgeries?"

"Here, too, we do not waste," answered the CFO. "What we do is save all the little foreskins
and send them to the IRS office, and about once a year they send us a complete prick."

shoemak38 · Post by **shoemak38** » Thu Mar 29, 2012 8:09 pm

shoemak38 · Post by **shoemak38** » Thu Mar 29, 2012 8:11 pm

A flat chested young lady read an article in a magazine that stated Dr. Bumbutu in Africa could enlarge your breast without surgery. So she decided to go to Dr. Bumbutu to see if he could help her.

Dr. Bumbutu advised her, ‘'Every day after your shower, rub your chest and say, 'Scooby doobie doobies, I want bigger boobies!' “

She did this faithfully for several months, and to her utter amazement she grew a terrific D-cup rack!

One morning she was running late, got on the bus, and in a panic realized she had forgotten her morning ritual. Frightened she might lose her lovely boobs if she didn't recite the little rhyme, she stood right there in the middle aisle of the bus closed her eyes and said , 'Scooby doobie doobies, I want bigger boobies.'

A guy sitting nearby looked at her and asked ' Are you a patient of Dr Bumbutu's?'

‘Yes I am. How did you know?'

He winked and whispered, ' Hickory dickory dock...’

shoemak38 · Post by **shoemak38** » Thu Mar 29, 2012 8:13 pm

JJShaw · Post by **JJShaw** » Sat Mar 31, 2012 8:54 am

I recieved this in an email...I had to laugh out loud when I read it..

Here goes !!

I asked a waiter to take a bottle of Merlot to an
unusually attractive woman sitting alone at a table in a cozy little restaurant .

So the waiter took the Merlot to the
woman and said, 'This is from the
gentleman who is seated over there'....
And indicated the sender with a nod of his head.

She stared at the wine coolly for a few seconds,
not looking at the man, then decided to send a
reply to him by a note . The waiter, who was
lingering nearby for a response, took the note
from her and conveyed it to the gentleman .

The note read: 'For me to accept this bottle, you need to have
a Mercedes in your garage,
a million dollars in the bank
and 7 inches in your pants'
.
After reading the note, I decided to compose one of my own in return.
I folded the note, handed it to the waiter and instructed him
to deliver it to the lady.
It read:

'Just to let you know things aren't always what they appear to be,
I have a Ferrari Maranello, BMW Z8, Mercedes CL600,
and a Porsche Turbo in my several garages;
I have beautiful homes in Aspen and Miami ,
and a 10,000 acre ranch in Louisiana .
There is over twenty million dollars in my bank account and portfolio.
But, not even for a woman as beautiful as you,
would I cut off three inches.

Just send the wine back..

usvi-on-line

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