usvi-on-line
Need a laugh?
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My job search
1. My first job was working in an Orange Juice factory,
but I got canned. Couldn't concentrate.
2. Then I worked in the woods as a Lumberjack,
but just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the axe.
3. After that, I tried being a Tailor,
but wasn't suited for it -- mainly because it was a sew-sew job.
4. Next, I tried working in a Muffler Factory,
but that was too exhausting.
5. Then, tried being a Chef - figured it would add a little spice to my life, but just didn't have the thyme.
6. Next, I attempted being a Deli Worker,
but any way I sliced it.... couldn't cut the mustard.
7. My best job was a Musician,
but eventually found I wasn't noteworthy.
8. I studied a long time to become a Doctor,
but didn't have any patience.
9. Next, was a job in a Shoe Factory.
Tried hard but just didn't fit in.
10. I became a Professional Fisherman,
but discovered I couldn't live on my net income.
11. Managed to get a good job working for a Pool Maintenance Company,
but the work was just too draining.
12. So then I got a job in a Workout Center,
but they said I wasn't fit for the job..
13. After many years of trying to find steady work,
I finally got a job as a Historian - until I realized there was no future in it.
14. My last job was working in Starbucks,
but had to quit because it was the same old grind.
15. SO, I TRIED RETIREMENT
AND I FOUND I'M PERFECT FOR THE JOB!
1. My first job was working in an Orange Juice factory,
but I got canned. Couldn't concentrate.
2. Then I worked in the woods as a Lumberjack,
but just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the axe.
3. After that, I tried being a Tailor,
but wasn't suited for it -- mainly because it was a sew-sew job.
4. Next, I tried working in a Muffler Factory,
but that was too exhausting.
5. Then, tried being a Chef - figured it would add a little spice to my life, but just didn't have the thyme.
6. Next, I attempted being a Deli Worker,
but any way I sliced it.... couldn't cut the mustard.
7. My best job was a Musician,
but eventually found I wasn't noteworthy.
8. I studied a long time to become a Doctor,
but didn't have any patience.
9. Next, was a job in a Shoe Factory.
Tried hard but just didn't fit in.
10. I became a Professional Fisherman,
but discovered I couldn't live on my net income.
11. Managed to get a good job working for a Pool Maintenance Company,
but the work was just too draining.
12. So then I got a job in a Workout Center,
but they said I wasn't fit for the job..
13. After many years of trying to find steady work,
I finally got a job as a Historian - until I realized there was no future in it.
14. My last job was working in Starbucks,
but had to quit because it was the same old grind.
15. SO, I TRIED RETIREMENT
AND I FOUND I'M PERFECT FOR THE JOB!
SENIOR LOVE
An elderly senior couple were invited to an old friends home for dinner one evening. She was impressed by the way her lady friend preceded every request to her husband with endearing terms such as: Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc.
The couple had been married almost 70 years and, clearly, they were still very much in love. While the husband was in the living room, her lady friend leaned over to her host to say, 'I think it's wonderful that, after all these years, you still call your husband all those loving pet names'.
The elderly lady hung her head. 'I have to tell you the truth,' she said, 'His name slipped my mind about 10 years ago, and I'm scared to death to ask the cranky old asshole what his name is.
An elderly senior couple were invited to an old friends home for dinner one evening. She was impressed by the way her lady friend preceded every request to her husband with endearing terms such as: Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc.
The couple had been married almost 70 years and, clearly, they were still very much in love. While the husband was in the living room, her lady friend leaned over to her host to say, 'I think it's wonderful that, after all these years, you still call your husband all those loving pet names'.
The elderly lady hung her head. 'I have to tell you the truth,' she said, 'His name slipped my mind about 10 years ago, and I'm scared to death to ask the cranky old asshole what his name is.
SumBitch
A filthy rich Florida man decided that he wanted to throw a party and invited all of his buddies and neighbors.
He also invited Leroy, the only Redneck in the neighborhood.
He held the party around the pool in the backyard of his mansion.
Leroy was having a good time drinking, dancing, eating shrimp, oysters and BBQ and flirting with all the women.
At the height of the party, the host said, 'I have a 10 foot man-eating gator in my pool and I'll give a million dollars to anyone who has the nerve to jump in.
The words were barely out of his mouth when there was a loud splash. Everyone turned around and saw Leroy in the pool!
Leroy was fighting the gator and kicking its rear! Leroy was jabbing it in the eyes with his thumbs, throwing punches, head butts and choke holds, biting the gator on the tail and flipping it through the air like some kind of Judo Instructor.
The water was churning and splashing everywhere. Both Leroy and the gator were screaming and raising heck.
Finally Leroy strangled the gator and let it float to the top like a dime store goldfish.
Leroy then slowly climbed out of the pool. Everybody was just staring at him in disbelief.
Finally the host says, 'Well, Leroy, I reckon I owe you a million dollars.'
'No, that's okay. I don't want It,' said Leroy.
The rich man said, 'Man, I have to give you something you won the bet. How about half a million bucks then?'
No thanks, I don't want it,' answered Leroy.
The host said, 'Come on, I insist on giving you something. That was amazing. How about a new Porsche and a Rolex and some stock options?'
Again Leroy said no.
Confused, the rich man asked, 'Well, Leroy, then what do you want?'
Leroy said, 'I want the name of the sumbich who pushed me in the pool!
A filthy rich Florida man decided that he wanted to throw a party and invited all of his buddies and neighbors.
He also invited Leroy, the only Redneck in the neighborhood.
He held the party around the pool in the backyard of his mansion.
Leroy was having a good time drinking, dancing, eating shrimp, oysters and BBQ and flirting with all the women.
At the height of the party, the host said, 'I have a 10 foot man-eating gator in my pool and I'll give a million dollars to anyone who has the nerve to jump in.
The words were barely out of his mouth when there was a loud splash. Everyone turned around and saw Leroy in the pool!
Leroy was fighting the gator and kicking its rear! Leroy was jabbing it in the eyes with his thumbs, throwing punches, head butts and choke holds, biting the gator on the tail and flipping it through the air like some kind of Judo Instructor.
The water was churning and splashing everywhere. Both Leroy and the gator were screaming and raising heck.
Finally Leroy strangled the gator and let it float to the top like a dime store goldfish.
Leroy then slowly climbed out of the pool. Everybody was just staring at him in disbelief.
Finally the host says, 'Well, Leroy, I reckon I owe you a million dollars.'
'No, that's okay. I don't want It,' said Leroy.
The rich man said, 'Man, I have to give you something you won the bet. How about half a million bucks then?'
No thanks, I don't want it,' answered Leroy.
The host said, 'Come on, I insist on giving you something. That was amazing. How about a new Porsche and a Rolex and some stock options?'
Again Leroy said no.
Confused, the rich man asked, 'Well, Leroy, then what do you want?'
Leroy said, 'I want the name of the sumbich who pushed me in the pool!
BAD PARROT
A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary.
Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity. John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to 'clean up' the bird's vocabulary.
Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even more rude. John, in desperation, threw up his hand, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer. For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute.
Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer.. The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arms and said "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior."
John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude.
As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird spoke-up, very softly,
"May I ask what the turkey did?"
HAPPY THANKSGIVING!
A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary.
Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity. John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to 'clean up' the bird's vocabulary.
Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even more rude. John, in desperation, threw up his hand, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer. For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute.
Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer.. The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arms and said "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior."
John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude.
As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird spoke-up, very softly,
"May I ask what the turkey did?"
HAPPY THANKSGIVING!
thursday is early this week
Anyway - I went to the Gym work off my day's hardships I needed a break...till heard this heart-breaker.
As I was was working out in the gym I spotted a real sweet young girl, the kind that make you chin rest on the ground...
I asked my trainer, who was near-by, "What machine in here should I use to impress that sweet thing over there?"
The trainer looked me up and down and looked at her and than at me and said, "I would try the ATM in the lobby."
So how was your day??
I was awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door.
I got up and went to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.
"Not a chance," I says "it is 3:00 in the morning!"
I closed the door and returned to bed.
"Who was that?" my wife asks.. "Just some drunk guy asking for a push," I said "Did you help him?" she asks.
"No, I did not, it's 3am in the morning and it's bloody pouring rain out there!"
"Well, you have a short memory," my wife says. "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us?
"I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!" oh boy...
I got up, got dressed and went out into the pounding rain.
I yelled out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"
"Yes," comes back the answer.
"Do you still need a push?" I call out. "Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark. Could not see a thing in the poring rain ... "Where are you?" I yelled
"Over here on the swing," he replied .
I will end that story here not going to incriminate myself...
Anyway - I went to the Gym work off my day's hardships I needed a break...till heard this heart-breaker.
As I was was working out in the gym I spotted a real sweet young girl, the kind that make you chin rest on the ground...
I asked my trainer, who was near-by, "What machine in here should I use to impress that sweet thing over there?"
The trainer looked me up and down and looked at her and than at me and said, "I would try the ATM in the lobby."
So how was your day??
I was awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door.
I got up and went to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.
"Not a chance," I says "it is 3:00 in the morning!"
I closed the door and returned to bed.
"Who was that?" my wife asks.. "Just some drunk guy asking for a push," I said "Did you help him?" she asks.
"No, I did not, it's 3am in the morning and it's bloody pouring rain out there!"
"Well, you have a short memory," my wife says. "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us?
"I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!" oh boy...
I got up, got dressed and went out into the pounding rain.
I yelled out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"
"Yes," comes back the answer.
"Do you still need a push?" I call out. "Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark. Could not see a thing in the poring rain ... "Where are you?" I yelled
"Over here on the swing," he replied .
I will end that story here not going to incriminate myself...
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The Irish Funeral
A man was leaving a convenience store with his morning coffee when he noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A black hearse was followed by a second black hearse about 50 Feet behind the first one. Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a dog on a leash. Behind him, a short distance back, were about 200 men walking single file.
The man couldn't stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached the man walking the dog and said:
"I am so sorry for your loss, and this may be a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?"
"My wife's."
''What happened to her?"
"She yelled at me and my dog attacked and killed her."
He inquired further, "But who is in the second hearse?"
The man answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog turned on her."
A very poignant and touching moment of brotherhood and silence passed between the two men.
"Can I borrow the dog?"
The man replied, "Get in line."
A man was leaving a convenience store with his morning coffee when he noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A black hearse was followed by a second black hearse about 50 Feet behind the first one. Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a dog on a leash. Behind him, a short distance back, were about 200 men walking single file.
The man couldn't stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached the man walking the dog and said:
"I am so sorry for your loss, and this may be a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?"
"My wife's."
''What happened to her?"
"She yelled at me and my dog attacked and killed her."
He inquired further, "But who is in the second hearse?"
The man answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog turned on her."
A very poignant and touching moment of brotherhood and silence passed between the two men.
"Can I borrow the dog?"
The man replied, "Get in line."
What a week
MONDAY
The mother of a 17-year-old girl was concerned that her daughter was having sex...
Worried the girl might become pregnant and adversely impact the family's status, she consulted the family doctor.
The doctor told her that teenagers today were very willful and any attempt to stop the girl would probably result in rebellion. He then told her to arrange for her daughter to be put on birth control and until then, talk to her and give her a box of condoms.
Later that evening, as her daughter was preparing for a date, the mother told her about the situation and handed her a box of condoms.The girl burst out laughing and reached over to hug her mother, saying, 'Oh Mom! You don't have to worry about that! I'm dating Susan!'
TUESDAY
A man went to church one day and afterward he stopped to shake the preacher's hand. He said, 'Preacher, I'll tell you, that was a damned fine sermon. Damned good!'
The preacher said, 'Thank you sir, but I'd rather you didn't use profanity.'
The man said, 'I was so damned impressed with that sermon I put five thousand dollars in the offering plate!'
The preacher said, 'No shit?'
WEDNESDAY
Brenda and Steve took their six-year-old son to the doctor.
With some hesitation, they explained that although their little angel appeared to be in good health, they were concerned about his rather small penis.
After examining the child, the doctor confidently declared, 'Just feed him pancakes. That should solve the problem.'
The next morning when the boy arrived at breakfast, there was a large stack of warm pancakes in the middle of the table.
'Gee, Mom,' he exclaimed. 'For me?'
'Just take two,' Brenda replied.
'The rest are for your father.'
THURSDAY
One night, an 87-year-old woman came home from
Bingo to find her 92-year-old husband in bed with another woman.. She became violent and ended up pushing him off the balcony of their 20th floor apartment, killing him instantly. Brought before the court, on the charge of murder, she was asked if she had anything to say in her own defense. 'Your Honor,' she began coolly, 'I figured that at 92, if he could screw, he could fly.'
FRIDAY
A Doctor was addressing a large audience in Tampa 'The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago.. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High
fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. However, there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have eaten, or will eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?' After several seconds of quiet, a
75-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said,'Wedding Cake.'
SATURDAY
Bob, a 70-year-old, extremely wealthy widower, shows up at the Country Club with a breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy 25-year-old blonde-haired woman who knocks everyone' socks off with her youthful sex appeal and charm and who hangs over Bob's arm and listens intently to his every word. His buddies at the club are all aghast. At the very first chance, they corner him and ask, 'Bob, How'd you get the trophy girlfriend?' Bob replies, 'Girlfriend? She's my wife!' They are knocked over, but continue to ask. 'So, how'd you persuade her to marry you?' 'I lied about my age', Bob replies.'What, did you tell her you were only
50?' Bob smiles and says, 'No, I told her I was 90.'
SUNDAY
Groups of Americans were traveling by tour bus through Holland .. As they stopped at a cheese farm, a young guide led them through the process of cheese making, explaining that goat's milk was used. She showed the group a lovely hillside where many goats were grazing. 'These' she explained, 'Are the older goats put out to pasture when they no longer produce.' She then asked, 'What do you do in America with your old goats?' A spry old gentleman answered, 'They send us on bus tours!
MONDAY
The mother of a 17-year-old girl was concerned that her daughter was having sex...
Worried the girl might become pregnant and adversely impact the family's status, she consulted the family doctor.
The doctor told her that teenagers today were very willful and any attempt to stop the girl would probably result in rebellion. He then told her to arrange for her daughter to be put on birth control and until then, talk to her and give her a box of condoms.
Later that evening, as her daughter was preparing for a date, the mother told her about the situation and handed her a box of condoms.The girl burst out laughing and reached over to hug her mother, saying, 'Oh Mom! You don't have to worry about that! I'm dating Susan!'
TUESDAY
A man went to church one day and afterward he stopped to shake the preacher's hand. He said, 'Preacher, I'll tell you, that was a damned fine sermon. Damned good!'
The preacher said, 'Thank you sir, but I'd rather you didn't use profanity.'
The man said, 'I was so damned impressed with that sermon I put five thousand dollars in the offering plate!'
The preacher said, 'No shit?'
WEDNESDAY
Brenda and Steve took their six-year-old son to the doctor.
With some hesitation, they explained that although their little angel appeared to be in good health, they were concerned about his rather small penis.
After examining the child, the doctor confidently declared, 'Just feed him pancakes. That should solve the problem.'
The next morning when the boy arrived at breakfast, there was a large stack of warm pancakes in the middle of the table.
'Gee, Mom,' he exclaimed. 'For me?'
'Just take two,' Brenda replied.
'The rest are for your father.'
THURSDAY
One night, an 87-year-old woman came home from
Bingo to find her 92-year-old husband in bed with another woman.. She became violent and ended up pushing him off the balcony of their 20th floor apartment, killing him instantly. Brought before the court, on the charge of murder, she was asked if she had anything to say in her own defense. 'Your Honor,' she began coolly, 'I figured that at 92, if he could screw, he could fly.'
FRIDAY
A Doctor was addressing a large audience in Tampa 'The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago.. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High
fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. However, there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have eaten, or will eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?' After several seconds of quiet, a
75-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said,'Wedding Cake.'
SATURDAY
Bob, a 70-year-old, extremely wealthy widower, shows up at the Country Club with a breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy 25-year-old blonde-haired woman who knocks everyone' socks off with her youthful sex appeal and charm and who hangs over Bob's arm and listens intently to his every word. His buddies at the club are all aghast. At the very first chance, they corner him and ask, 'Bob, How'd you get the trophy girlfriend?' Bob replies, 'Girlfriend? She's my wife!' They are knocked over, but continue to ask. 'So, how'd you persuade her to marry you?' 'I lied about my age', Bob replies.'What, did you tell her you were only
50?' Bob smiles and says, 'No, I told her I was 90.'
SUNDAY
Groups of Americans were traveling by tour bus through Holland .. As they stopped at a cheese farm, a young guide led them through the process of cheese making, explaining that goat's milk was used. She showed the group a lovely hillside where many goats were grazing. 'These' she explained, 'Are the older goats put out to pasture when they no longer produce.' She then asked, 'What do you do in America with your old goats?' A spry old gentleman answered, 'They send us on bus tours!
To get us in the spirit of the holidays it's redneck week
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Last edited by shoemak38 on Thu Dec 01, 2011 12:48 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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seen on facebook
I'm passing this on because it worked for me today. A Dr. on TV said to have inner peace we should always finish things we start & we all could use more calm in our lives. I looked around my house to find things I'd started & hadn't finished, so I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of Chardonnay, a bodle of Baileys, a butle of wum, tha mainder of Valiuminun scriptins, an a box a chocletz. Yu haf no idr how fablus I feel rite now. Sned this to all who need inner piss. An telum u luvum.
I'm passing this on because it worked for me today. A Dr. on TV said to have inner peace we should always finish things we start & we all could use more calm in our lives. I looked around my house to find things I'd started & hadn't finished, so I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of Chardonnay, a bodle of Baileys, a butle of wum, tha mainder of Valiuminun scriptins, an a box a chocletz. Yu haf no idr how fablus I feel rite now. Sned this to all who need inner piss. An telum u luvum.