usvi-on-line
Need a laugh?
photo's are real, did not list where taken, it's funny I use Flickr (Snagit does a screen shot which it then will upload for you) for all my joke "photo's" and 2 minutes after I posted someone hasd already saved a copy from my flickr account.California Girl wrote:Hey Shoemak38! I just saw the goat pictures! Are those for real? What dam is that? Way cool!
These are classified ads, which were actually placed in a U.K. newspaper:
FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER.
8 years old.
Hateful little bugger.
Bites!
FREE PUPPIES.
1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbour's dog.
FREE PUPPIES.
Mother is a Kennel Club registered German Shepherd.
Father is a Super Dog, able to leap tall fences in a single bound.
COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED.
Also 1 gay bull for sale.
JOINING NUDIST COLONY !
Must sell washer and dryer £100.
WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE.
Worn once by mistake.
Call Stephanie.
**** And the WINNER is... ****
FOR SALE BY OWNER.
Complete set of Encyclopaedia Britannica, 45 volumes.
Excellent condition, £200 or best offer. No longer needed, got married, wife knows everything.
Statement of the Century
Thought from the Greatest Living Scottish Thinker.
Billy Connolly -
Statement of the Century: "If women are so bloody perfect at multi~tasking,
How come they can't have a headache and sex at the same time?"
FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER.
8 years old.
Hateful little bugger.
Bites!
FREE PUPPIES.
1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbour's dog.
FREE PUPPIES.
Mother is a Kennel Club registered German Shepherd.
Father is a Super Dog, able to leap tall fences in a single bound.
COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED.
Also 1 gay bull for sale.
JOINING NUDIST COLONY !
Must sell washer and dryer £100.
WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE.
Worn once by mistake.
Call Stephanie.
**** And the WINNER is... ****
FOR SALE BY OWNER.
Complete set of Encyclopaedia Britannica, 45 volumes.
Excellent condition, £200 or best offer. No longer needed, got married, wife knows everything.
Statement of the Century
Thought from the Greatest Living Scottish Thinker.
Billy Connolly -
Statement of the Century: "If women are so bloody perfect at multi~tasking,
How come they can't have a headache and sex at the same time?"
Definition of Hell:
It's the place where the beer cans have holes in the bottom, and the women don't....
Proof that Men Have Better Friends...
Friendship among Women:
A woman didn't come home one night. The next morning she told her husband that she had slept over at a friend's house. The man called his wife's 10 best friends. None of them knew anything about it.
Friendship among Men:A man didn't come home one night. The next morning he told his wife that he had slept over at a friend's house. The woman called her husband's 10 best friends. Eight confirmed that he had slept over and two said he was still there.
It's the place where the beer cans have holes in the bottom, and the women don't....
Proof that Men Have Better Friends...
Friendship among Women:
A woman didn't come home one night. The next morning she told her husband that she had slept over at a friend's house. The man called his wife's 10 best friends. None of them knew anything about it.
Friendship among Men:A man didn't come home one night. The next morning he told his wife that he had slept over at a friend's house. The woman called her husband's 10 best friends. Eight confirmed that he had slept over and two said he was still there.
<a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/27134057@N04/5474654919/" title="jokesfeb by SHOEMAK38, on Flickr"><img src="http://farm6.static.flickr.com/5132/547 ... 1b20_b.jpg" width="516" height="698" alt="jokesfeb"></a>
Old Man – New Car
A senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership. Taking off down the road, he floored it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little gray hair he had left. "Amazing," he thought as he flew down I-49, pushing the pedal even more. Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a state trooper behind him, lights flashing and siren blaring. He floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then 120. Suddenly he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for this," and pulled over to await the trooper's arrival.
Pulling in behind him, the trooper walked up to the Corvette, looked at his watch, and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a reason for speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."
The old gentleman paused. Then said, "Years ago, my wife ran off with a State trooper. I thought you were bringing her back."
"Have a good day, sir," replied the trooper.
that's all for this week
A senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership. Taking off down the road, he floored it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little gray hair he had left. "Amazing," he thought as he flew down I-49, pushing the pedal even more. Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a state trooper behind him, lights flashing and siren blaring. He floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then 120. Suddenly he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for this," and pulled over to await the trooper's arrival.
Pulling in behind him, the trooper walked up to the Corvette, looked at his watch, and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a reason for speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."
The old gentleman paused. Then said, "Years ago, my wife ran off with a State trooper. I thought you were bringing her back."
"Have a good day, sir," replied the trooper.
that's all for this week
Grandfathers
Have you ever wondered what the difference is between Grandmothers and
Grandfathers?
A friend, who worked away from home all week, always made a special effort
With his family on the weekends.
Every Sunday morning he would take his 7-year old granddaughter out for a
Drive for some bonding time.
One particular Sunday however, he had a bad cold and really didn't feel like
Being up at all. Luckily, his wife came to the rescue and said that she
Would take their granddaughter out.
When they returned, the little girl anxiously ran upstairs to see her Grandfather.
'Well, did you enjoy your ride with grandma?'
'Oh yes, Papa' the girl replied, and do you know what? We didn't see a
Single asshole, dumb bastard, dipshit or horse's ass anywhere we went
Today!'
Almost brings a tear to your eye, doesn't it?
Have you ever wondered what the difference is between Grandmothers and
Grandfathers?
A friend, who worked away from home all week, always made a special effort
With his family on the weekends.
Every Sunday morning he would take his 7-year old granddaughter out for a
Drive for some bonding time.
One particular Sunday however, he had a bad cold and really didn't feel like
Being up at all. Luckily, his wife came to the rescue and said that she
Would take their granddaughter out.
When they returned, the little girl anxiously ran upstairs to see her Grandfather.
'Well, did you enjoy your ride with grandma?'
'Oh yes, Papa' the girl replied, and do you know what? We didn't see a
Single asshole, dumb bastard, dipshit or horse's ass anywhere we went
Today!'
Almost brings a tear to your eye, doesn't it?
CANTERBURY, N.H. --
All lanes of Interstate 93 south in Canterbury reopened Wednesday evening after a crash involving as many as 20-cars shut down the roadway earlier in the day.
Bill Boynton of the Department of Transportation said the highway was shut down at exit 18 after a snow squall moved through the area and created limited visibility. Several vehicles to slid off of the road, Boynton said.
"It looks like another whiteout situation," he said. "A snow squall moved quickly through the Canterbury area of I-93."
After watching car number 19 or 20 skake (pure ice) by (missing me) doing about 50 mph before he hit the car about 300 yards in front of me (I'm guessing a min of 10 of the cars are a total loss) I guess I need a joke after a day of sking
Year to date statistics on Airport screening
from the Department of Homeland Security
Terrorist Plots Discovered 0
Transvestites 133
Hernia’s 1,485
Hemorrhoid Cases 3,172
Enlarged Prostates 8,249
Breast Implants 59,350
Natural Blondes 3
All lanes of Interstate 93 south in Canterbury reopened Wednesday evening after a crash involving as many as 20-cars shut down the roadway earlier in the day.
Bill Boynton of the Department of Transportation said the highway was shut down at exit 18 after a snow squall moved through the area and created limited visibility. Several vehicles to slid off of the road, Boynton said.
"It looks like another whiteout situation," he said. "A snow squall moved quickly through the Canterbury area of I-93."
After watching car number 19 or 20 skake (pure ice) by (missing me) doing about 50 mph before he hit the car about 300 yards in front of me (I'm guessing a min of 10 of the cars are a total loss) I guess I need a joke after a day of sking
Year to date statistics on Airport screening
from the Department of Homeland Security
Terrorist Plots Discovered 0
Transvestites 133
Hernia’s 1,485
Hemorrhoid Cases 3,172
Enlarged Prostates 8,249
Breast Implants 59,350
Natural Blondes 3
A real woman is a man's best friend.
She will NEVER stand him up and never let him down.
She will reassure him when he feels insecure and comfort him after a bad day.
She will inspire him to do things he never thought he could do; to live without fear and forget regret.
She will enable him to express his deepest emotions and give in to his most intimate desires.
She will make sure he always feels as though he's the most handsome man in the room and will enable him to be the most confident, sexy, seductive and invincible...
No wait... Sorry..
I'm thinking of Whiskey.
It's Whiskey that does all that.
She will NEVER stand him up and never let him down.
She will reassure him when he feels insecure and comfort him after a bad day.
She will inspire him to do things he never thought he could do; to live without fear and forget regret.
She will enable him to express his deepest emotions and give in to his most intimate desires.
She will make sure he always feels as though he's the most handsome man in the room and will enable him to be the most confident, sexy, seductive and invincible...
No wait... Sorry..
I'm thinking of Whiskey.
It's Whiskey that does all that.
DARWIN AWARDS
You've been waiting for them with baited breath, so without further ado here are the 2010 Darwin awards:
8th Place
In Detroit, a 41-year-old man got stuck and drowned in two feet of water after squeezing head first through an 18-inch-wide sewer grate to retrieve his car keys.
7th Place
A 49-year-old San Francisco stockbroker, who "totally zoned when he ran", accidentally jogged off a 100-foot high cliff on his daily run.
6th Place
While at the beach, Daniel Jones, 21, dug an 8-foot hole for protection from the wind and had been sitting in a beach chair at the bottom, when it collapsed, burying him beneath 5 feet of sand. People on the beach used their hands and shovels trying to get him out but could not reach him. It took rescue workers using heavy equipment almost an hour to free him. Jones was pronounced dead at a hospital.
5th Place
Santiago Alvarado, 24, was killed as he fell through the ceiling of a bicycle shop he was robbing. Death was caused when the long light he had placed in his mouth to keep his hands free, rammed into the base of his skull as he hit the floor.
4th Place
Sylvester Briddell, Jr., 26, was killed as he won a bet with friends who said he would not put a revolver loaded with four bullets into his mouth and pull the trigger.
3rd Place
After walking around a marked police patrol car parked at the front door, a man walked into H&J Leather & Firearms intent on robbing the store. The shop was full of customers and a uniformed officer was standing at the counter. Upon seeing the officer, the would-be robber announced a hold-up and fired a few wild shots from a target pistol. The officer and a clerk promptly returned fire and several customers also drew their guns and fired. The robber was pronounced dead at the scene by Paramedics. Crime scene investigators located 47 expended cartridge cases in the shop. The subsequent autopsy revealed 23 gunshot wounds. Ballistics identified rounds from 7 different weapons. No one else was hurt.
HONORABLE MENTION
Paul Stiller, 47, and his wife Bonnie were bored just driving around at 2 a.m. So they lit a stick of dynamite to toss out the window to see what would happen. Apparently they failed to notice the window was closed.
RUNNER UP
Kerry Bingham had been drinking with several friends when one of them said they knew a person who had bungee-jumped from a local bridge in the middle of traffic. The conversation grew more heated and at least 10 men trooped along the walkway of the bridge at 4:30 a.m. Upon arrival at the midpoint of the bridge they discovered no one had brought a bungee rope. Bingham, who had continued drinking, volunteered and pointed out a coil of lineman's cable lay nearby. They secured one end around Bingham's leg and then tied the other to the bridge. His fall lasted 40 feet before the cable tightened and tore his foot off at the ankle. He miraculously survived his fall into the icy water and was rescued by two nearby fishermen. Bingham's foot was never located.
AND THE WINNER IS...
Zookeeper Friedrich Riesfeldt (Paderborn, Germany) fed his constipated elephant 22 doses of animal laxative and more than a bushel of berries, figs and prunes before the plugged-up pachyderm finally got relief.
Investigators say ill-fated Friedrich, 46, was attempting to give the ailing elephant an olive oil enema when the relieved beast unloaded. The sheer force of the elephant's unexpected defecation knocked Mr. Riesfeldt to the ground where he struck his head on a rock as the elephant continued to evacuate 200 pounds of dung on top of him. It seems to be just one of those freak accidents that proves....s**t happens!
IT ALWAYS SEEMS IMPORTANT AND APPROPRIATE TO THANK THESE PEOPLE FOR REMOVING THEMSELVES FROM THE GENE POOL!
You've been waiting for them with baited breath, so without further ado here are the 2010 Darwin awards:
8th Place
In Detroit, a 41-year-old man got stuck and drowned in two feet of water after squeezing head first through an 18-inch-wide sewer grate to retrieve his car keys.
7th Place
A 49-year-old San Francisco stockbroker, who "totally zoned when he ran", accidentally jogged off a 100-foot high cliff on his daily run.
6th Place
While at the beach, Daniel Jones, 21, dug an 8-foot hole for protection from the wind and had been sitting in a beach chair at the bottom, when it collapsed, burying him beneath 5 feet of sand. People on the beach used their hands and shovels trying to get him out but could not reach him. It took rescue workers using heavy equipment almost an hour to free him. Jones was pronounced dead at a hospital.
5th Place
Santiago Alvarado, 24, was killed as he fell through the ceiling of a bicycle shop he was robbing. Death was caused when the long light he had placed in his mouth to keep his hands free, rammed into the base of his skull as he hit the floor.
4th Place
Sylvester Briddell, Jr., 26, was killed as he won a bet with friends who said he would not put a revolver loaded with four bullets into his mouth and pull the trigger.
3rd Place
After walking around a marked police patrol car parked at the front door, a man walked into H&J Leather & Firearms intent on robbing the store. The shop was full of customers and a uniformed officer was standing at the counter. Upon seeing the officer, the would-be robber announced a hold-up and fired a few wild shots from a target pistol. The officer and a clerk promptly returned fire and several customers also drew their guns and fired. The robber was pronounced dead at the scene by Paramedics. Crime scene investigators located 47 expended cartridge cases in the shop. The subsequent autopsy revealed 23 gunshot wounds. Ballistics identified rounds from 7 different weapons. No one else was hurt.
HONORABLE MENTION
Paul Stiller, 47, and his wife Bonnie were bored just driving around at 2 a.m. So they lit a stick of dynamite to toss out the window to see what would happen. Apparently they failed to notice the window was closed.
RUNNER UP
Kerry Bingham had been drinking with several friends when one of them said they knew a person who had bungee-jumped from a local bridge in the middle of traffic. The conversation grew more heated and at least 10 men trooped along the walkway of the bridge at 4:30 a.m. Upon arrival at the midpoint of the bridge they discovered no one had brought a bungee rope. Bingham, who had continued drinking, volunteered and pointed out a coil of lineman's cable lay nearby. They secured one end around Bingham's leg and then tied the other to the bridge. His fall lasted 40 feet before the cable tightened and tore his foot off at the ankle. He miraculously survived his fall into the icy water and was rescued by two nearby fishermen. Bingham's foot was never located.
AND THE WINNER IS...
Zookeeper Friedrich Riesfeldt (Paderborn, Germany) fed his constipated elephant 22 doses of animal laxative and more than a bushel of berries, figs and prunes before the plugged-up pachyderm finally got relief.
Investigators say ill-fated Friedrich, 46, was attempting to give the ailing elephant an olive oil enema when the relieved beast unloaded. The sheer force of the elephant's unexpected defecation knocked Mr. Riesfeldt to the ground where he struck his head on a rock as the elephant continued to evacuate 200 pounds of dung on top of him. It seems to be just one of those freak accidents that proves....s**t happens!
IT ALWAYS SEEMS IMPORTANT AND APPROPRIATE TO THANK THESE PEOPLE FOR REMOVING THEMSELVES FROM THE GENE POOL!
<a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/27134057@N04/5495379917/" title="jokesmar by SHOEMAK38, on Flickr"><img src="http://farm6.static.flickr.com/5298/549 ... f24d_b.jpg" width="931" height="696" alt="jokesmar"></a>
<a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/27134057@N04/5495380951/" title="jokesmar by SHOEMAK38, on Flickr"><img src="http://farm6.static.flickr.com/5053/549 ... 4e8a_b.jpg" width="811" height="568" alt="jokesmar"></a>
<a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/27134057@N04/5495973114/" title="jokesmar by SHOEMAK38, on Flickr"><img src="http://farm6.static.flickr.com/5173/549 ... 19ed_b.jpg" width="908" height="646" alt="jokesmar"></a>
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<a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/27134057@N04/5495380951/" title="jokesmar by SHOEMAK38, on Flickr"><img src="http://farm6.static.flickr.com/5053/549 ... 4e8a_b.jpg" width="811" height="568" alt="jokesmar"></a>
<a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/27134057@N04/5495973114/" title="jokesmar by SHOEMAK38, on Flickr"><img src="http://farm6.static.flickr.com/5173/549 ... 19ed_b.jpg" width="908" height="646" alt="jokesmar"></a>
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Marcia (Mrs. Pete)
- Posts: 1576
- Joined: Mon Aug 07, 2006 9:40 pm
- Location: Madison Area, Wisconsin
okay just oneMarcia (Mrs. Pete) wrote:Dang. I saw you had posted and thought: YAHOOO, more jokes. Alas, not yet. Just a tease.
I love this thread. Shoemak, nicely done. Every week.
<a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/27134057@N04/5511277564/" title="jokesmar by SHOEMAK38, on Flickr"><img src="http://farm6.static.flickr.com/5212/551 ... f64310.jpg" width="276" height="225" alt="jokesmar"></a>
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Marcia (Mrs. Pete)
- Posts: 1576
- Joined: Mon Aug 07, 2006 9:40 pm
- Location: Madison Area, Wisconsin