Need a laugh?

shoemak38 · Post by **shoemak38** » Thu Feb 03, 2011 6:57 pm

start back on last page

shoemak38 · Post by **shoemak38** » Thu Feb 10, 2011 8:36 pm

shoemak38 · Post by **shoemak38** » Thu Feb 10, 2011 8:37 pm

shoemak38 · Post by **shoemak38** » Thu Feb 10, 2011 9:15 pm

shoemak38 · Post by **shoemak38** » Thu Feb 10, 2011 9:26 pm

Helpful Hints For Winter...

Keep your headlights clear with car wax! Just wipe ordinary car wax on your headlights. It contains special water repellents that will prevent that messy mixture from accumulating on your lights - lasts 6 weeks.

Squeak-proof your wipers with rubbing alcohol! Wipe the wipers with a cloth saturated with rubbing alcohol or ammonia. This one trick can make badly streaking & squeaking wipers change to near perfect silence & clarity.

Ice-proof your windows with vinegar! Frost on it's way? Just fill a spray bottle with three parts vinegar to one part water & spritz it on all your windows at night. In the morning, they'll be clear of icy mess. Vinegar contains acetic acid, which raises the melting point of water---preventing water from freezing!

Prevent car doors from freezing shut with cooking spray! Spritz cooking oil on the rubber seals around car doors & rub it in with a paper towel. The cooking spray prevents water from melting into the rubber.

Fog-proof your windshield with shaving cream! Spray some shaving cream on the inside of your windshield & wipe if off with paper towels. Shaving cream has many of the same ingredients found in commercial defoggers.

De-ice your lock in seconds with hand sanitizer! Just put some hand sanitizer gel on the key & the lock & the problems solved!

Laura T · Post by **Laura T** » Tue Feb 15, 2011 10:27 am

Nurses Aren't Supposed to Laugh at Patients

'Of course I won't laugh, said the nurse.. I'm a professional. In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient.'

'Okay then, said Fred, and he proceeded to drop his trousers,revealing the tiniest 'man thingy' the nurse had ever seen. Length and width, it couldn't have been bigger than the a AAA battery.

Unable to control herself, the nurse started giggling, then fell to the floor laughing.

Ten minutes later she was able to struggle to her feet and regain her composure. 'I am so sorry,' she said. 'I don't know what came over me. On my honor as a nurse and a lady, I promise it won't happen again... Now, tell me, what seems to be the problem?

'It's swollen,' Fred replied.

She ran out of the room.

JT · Post by JT » Tue Feb 15, 2011 3:28 pm

This was a new one to me:

-----AN IRISH BLONDE IN A CASINO

An attractive blonde from Cork, Ireland arrived at the
casino. She seemed a little intoxicated and bet twenty-thousand Euros
on a single roll of the dice.

She said, 'I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm
completely nude'.

With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and with an
Irish brogue yelled, 'Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!'

As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed...'YES!
YES! I WON, I WON!'

She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her
clothes and quickly departed.

The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded.
Finally, one of them asked, 'What did she roll?'

The other answered,
'I don't know - I thought you were watching.'

MORAL OF THE STORY -

Not all Irish are drunks,
not all blondes are dumb,
but all men...are men.

JT · Post by JT » Tue Feb 15, 2011 3:35 pm

One more. {sorry to all of my blond friends]:

A blonde lady motorist was about two hours from San Diego when she was flagged down by a man whose truck had broken down. The man walked up to the car and asked, "Are you going to San Diego?"

"Sure," answered the blonde, "do you need a lift?"
"Not for me. I'll be spending the next three hours fixing my truck. My problem is I've got two chimpanzees in the back which have to be taken to the San Diego Zoo. They're a bit stressed already so I don't want to keep them on the road all day. Could you possibly take them to the zoo for me? I'll give you $100 for your trouble."

"I'd be happy to," said the blonde. So the two chimpanzees were ushered into the back seat of the blonde's car and carefully strapped into their seat belts, and off they went.

Five hours later, the truck driver was driving through the heart of San Diego when suddenly he was horrified! There was the blonde walking down the street and holding hands with the two chimps, much to the amusement of a big crowd. With a screech of brakes he pulled off the road and ran over to the blond. What the hell are you doing here?" he demanded, "I gave you $100 to take these chimpanzees to the zoo."

"Yes, I know you did," said the blonde," but we had money left over so now we're going to Sea World."

shoemak38 · Post by **shoemak38** » Wed Feb 16, 2011 6:23 pm

keep them coming

BEST THING I HAVE HEARD YET.....From a senior citizen around 80
yrs. of age. We aren't useless yet.
The Fix...
There recently was an article in the St. Petersburg , Fl.
Times. The Business Section asked readers for ideas on: "How Would You Fix the
Economy?" I think this guy nailed it!

Dear Mr. President,

Please find below my suggestion for fixing America 's economy.
Instead of giving billions of dollars to companies that will squander the money
on lavish parties and unearned bonuses, use the following plan.
You can call it the "Patriotic Retirement Plan":

There are about 40 million people over 50 in the work force.
Pay them $1 million apiece severance for early retirement with the following
stipulations:

1) They MUST retire. Forty million job openings - Unemployment fixed.

2) They MUST buy a new AMERICAN Car. Forty million cars ordered
- Auto Industry fixed.

3) They MUST either buy a house or pay off their mortgage -
Housing Crisis fixed.

It can't get any easier than that!!

P.S. If more money is needed, have all members in Congress pay
their taxes..

Mr. President, while you're at it, make Congress retire on
Social Security and Medicare. I'll bet both programs would be fixed pronto!

If you think this would work, please forward to everyone you know.

If not, please disregard.

shoemak38 · Post by **shoemak38** » Wed Feb 16, 2011 9:41 pm

shoemak38 · Post by **shoemak38** » Thu Feb 17, 2011 5:59 pm

What, you ask, is 'Butt dust'?

JACK (age 3) was watching his Mom breast-feeding his new baby sister. After a while he asked, "Mom why have you got two? Is one for hot and one for cold milk?"

MELANIE (age 5) asked her Granny how old she was. Granny replied she was so old she didn't remember any more. Melanie said, "If you don't remember you must look in the back of your panties. Mine say five to six."

STEVEN (age 3) hugged and kissed his Mom good night. "I love you so much that when you die I'm going to bury you outside my bedroom window."

BRITTANY (age 4) had an ear ache and wanted a pain killer. She tried in vain to take the lid off the bottle. Seeing her frustration, her Mom explained it was a child-proof cap and she'd have to open it for her. Eyes wide with wonder, the little girl asked, "How does it know it's me?"

SUSAN (age 4) was drinking juice when she got the hiccups. "Please don't give me this juice again," she said, "It makes my teeth cough."

DJ (age 4) stepped onto the bathroom scale and asked, "How much do I cost?"

CLINTON (age 5) was in his bedroom looking worried when his Mom asked what was troubling him, he replied, "I don't know what'll happen with this bed when I get married. How will my wife fit in it?"

MARC (age 4) was engrossed in a young couple that were hugging and kissing in a restaurant. Without
taking his eyes off them, he asked his dad, "Why is he whispering in her mouth?"

TAMMY(age 4) was with her mother when they met an elderly, rather wrinkled woman her Mom knew. Tammy looked at her for a while and then asked, "Why doesn't your skin fit your face?"

JAMES (age 4) was listening to a Bible story. His dad read: 'The man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city but his wife looked back and was turned to a pillar of salt.' Concerned, James asked, "What happened to the flea?"

The Sermon I think this Mom will never forget...

This particular Sunday sermon, "Dear Lord," the minister began, with arms extended toward heaven and a rapturous look on his upturned face. "Without you, we are but dust..." He would have continued but at that moment my very obedient daughter who was listening leaned over to me and asked quite audibly in her shrill little four year old girl voice, "Mom, what is butt dust?"

shoemak38 · Post by **shoemak38** » Thu Feb 17, 2011 8:56 pm

It's
Walmart time again

<a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/27134057@N04/5455089500/" title="jokesfeb by SHOEMAK38, on Flickr"><img src="http://farm6.static.flickr.com/5055/545 ... dc5b_b.jpg" width="1024" height="655" alt="jokesfeb"></a>

<a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/27134057@N04/5455090382/" title="jokesfeb by SHOEMAK38, on Flickr"><img src="http://farm6.static.flickr.com/5258/545 ... 75da_b.jpg" width="1024" height="649" alt="jokesfeb"></a>

<a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/27134057@N04/5454479173/" title="jokesfeb by SHOEMAK38, on Flickr"><img src="http://farm6.static.flickr.com/5131/545 ... f667_b.jpg" width="1024" height="640" alt="jokesfeb"></a>

shoemak38 · Post by **shoemak38** » Thu Feb 17, 2011 9:01 pm

Superbowl Seat

A man had 50 yard line tickets for the Super Bowl.

As he sat down, he noticed that the seat next to him was empty.

He asked the man on the other side of the empty seat whether anyone was sitting there.

"No," the man replied, "The seat is empty."

"This is incredible," said the first man.

"Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Super Bowl, the biggest sporting event in the world and not use it?"

The second man replied, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away.

This will be the first Super bowl we haven't been together since we got married in 1967."

"Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. But couldn't you find someone else -- a friend or relative, or even a neighbor to take the seat?"

The man shook his head. "No, they're all at the funeral."

California Girl · Post by **California Girl** » Thu Feb 17, 2011 10:50 pm

A woman walks into the downtown welfare office, trailed by 15 kids.

'WOW,' the social worker exclaims, 'are they all yours?"

'Yep, they are all mine,' the flustered momma sighs, having heard that question a thousand times before.

She says, 'Sit down Leroy.' All the children rush to find seats.

'Well,' says the social worker, 'then you must be here to sign up. I'll need all your children's names.'

'Well, to keep it simple, the boys are all named Leroy and the girls are all named Leighroy.'

In disbelief, the case worker says, 'Are you serious? They're ALL named Leroy?'

Their momma replied, 'Well, yes-it makes it easier.

When it's time to get them out of bed and ready for school, I yell, 'Leroy!' And when it's time for dinner, I just yell 'Leroy!' And they all come runnin’. And if I need to stop the kid who's running into the street, I just yell Leroy' and all of them stop. It's the smartest idea I ever had, naming them all Leroy.'

The social worker thinks this over for a bit, then wrinkles her forehead and says tentatively, 'But what if you just want ONE kid to come, and not the whole bunch?'

'Then I call them by their last names.'

California Girl · Post by **California Girl** » Thu Feb 17, 2011 10:52 pm

Hey Shoemak38! I just saw the goat pictures! Are those for real? What dam is that? Way cool!

usvi-on-line

Login or Register with your Facebook account

Need a laugh?