Need a laugh?
Thank you again for the Friday laugh. Fantastic that you can continue finding new stories.
Language is funny, I'm not sure English is worse than
other language. But I have to say that we don't use UP (op) in Danish so much as in English.
NB Cannot understand that a wise man is opposites a wise guy?
Linne
Language is funny, I'm not sure English is worse than
other language. But I have to say that we don't use UP (op) in Danish so much as in English.
NB Cannot understand that a wise man is opposites a wise guy?
Linne
I come to this thread frequently when in need of a new joke. Great thread Ruth, thanks for starting it! and thanks to all those that contribute!
Hope this hasn't been posted previously.
Here's finally a contribution from me . . .
Frozen Crabs
A lawyer boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of frozen crabs and asked a blonde flight attendant to take care of them for him.
She took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator. He advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for them staying frozen, mentioning in a very haughty manner that he was a lawyer, and proceeded to rant at her about what
would happen if she let them thaw out.
Needless to say, she was annoyed by his behavior. Shortly before landing in New York, she used the intercom to announce to the entire cabin, "Would the lawyer who gave me the crabs in New Orleans please raise your hand."
Not one hand went up .... so she took them home and ate them.
Two lessons here:
1. Lawyers aren't as smart as they think they are.
2. Blondes aren't as dumb as some folk think.
Hope this hasn't been posted previously.
Here's finally a contribution from me . . .
Frozen Crabs
A lawyer boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of frozen crabs and asked a blonde flight attendant to take care of them for him.
She took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator. He advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for them staying frozen, mentioning in a very haughty manner that he was a lawyer, and proceeded to rant at her about what
would happen if she let them thaw out.
Needless to say, she was annoyed by his behavior. Shortly before landing in New York, she used the intercom to announce to the entire cabin, "Would the lawyer who gave me the crabs in New Orleans please raise your hand."
Not one hand went up .... so she took them home and ate them.
Two lessons here:
1. Lawyers aren't as smart as they think they are.
2. Blondes aren't as dumb as some folk think.
Patr
~~Longing to be back on St. John~~
~~Longing to be back on St. John~~
Sharing signs
Friends don't let friends
Take home ugly men
Woman's restroom
Beauty is only a light switch away.
Perkins Library, Duke University , Durham , NC
No matter how good she looks,
Some other guy is sick and tired
Of putting up with her
Make love, not war.
Hell, do both
GET MARRIED!
Express Lane:
Five beers or less
Sign over one of the urinals
You're too good for him..
Sign over mirror in Women's restroom
No wonder you always go home alone.
Sign over mirror in Men's restroom,
Friends don't let friends
Take home ugly men
Woman's restroom
Beauty is only a light switch away.
Perkins Library, Duke University , Durham , NC
No matter how good she looks,
Some other guy is sick and tired
Of putting up with her
Make love, not war.
Hell, do both
GET MARRIED!
Express Lane:
Five beers or less
Sign over one of the urinals
You're too good for him..
Sign over mirror in Women's restroom
No wonder you always go home alone.
Sign over mirror in Men's restroom,
ROMANCE MATHEMATICS
Smart man + smart woman = romance
Smart man + dumb woman = affair
Dumb man + smart woman = marriage
Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy
______________________________
SHOPPING MATH
A man will pay $20 for a $10 item he needs.
A woman will pay $10 for a $20 item that she doesn't need.
_____________________________
_____________________
HAPPINESS
To be happy with a man, you must understand
him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman,
you must love her a lot and
not try to understand her at all.
______________________________
LONGEVITY
Married men live longer than single men do,
but married men are a lot more willing to die...
______________________________
PROPENSITY TO CHANGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change,
but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting
that she won't change, and she does.
_____________________________
DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the
beginning of a new argument.
_____________________________
HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING
YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED
Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me
in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next."
They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals
Smart man + smart woman = romance
Smart man + dumb woman = affair
Dumb man + smart woman = marriage
Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy
______________________________
SHOPPING MATH
A man will pay $20 for a $10 item he needs.
A woman will pay $10 for a $20 item that she doesn't need.
_____________________________
_____________________
HAPPINESS
To be happy with a man, you must understand
him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman,
you must love her a lot and
not try to understand her at all.
______________________________
LONGEVITY
Married men live longer than single men do,
but married men are a lot more willing to die...
______________________________
PROPENSITY TO CHANGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change,
but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting
that she won't change, and she does.
_____________________________
DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the
beginning of a new argument.
_____________________________
HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING
YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED
Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me
in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next."
They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals
Community Service
One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut. After the
cut, he asked about his bill, and the barber replied, I cannot accept
money from you, I'm doing community service this week.
The florist was pleased and left the shop. When the barber went to open his
shop the next morning, there was a thank you card and a dozen roses
waiting for him at his door.
Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replied,
I cannot accept money from you I'm doing community service this
week.
The cop was happy and left the shop. The next morning
when the barber went to open up, there was a thank you card and a
dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.
Then a Congressman came in for a haircut, and when he went to pay his bill, the barber
again replied, I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community
service this week.
The Congressman was very happy and left the
shop.
The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there
were a dozen Congressmen lined up waiting for a free haircut.
And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference
between the Citizens of our country and the politicians who run it.
One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut. After the
cut, he asked about his bill, and the barber replied, I cannot accept
money from you, I'm doing community service this week.
The florist was pleased and left the shop. When the barber went to open his
shop the next morning, there was a thank you card and a dozen roses
waiting for him at his door.
Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replied,
I cannot accept money from you I'm doing community service this
week.
The cop was happy and left the shop. The next morning
when the barber went to open up, there was a thank you card and a
dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.
Then a Congressman came in for a haircut, and when he went to pay his bill, the barber
again replied, I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community
service this week.
The Congressman was very happy and left the
shop.
The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there
were a dozen Congressmen lined up waiting for a free haircut.
And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference
between the Citizens of our country and the politicians who run it.
Two elderly people living in Ft. Myers , he was a widower and she a widow, had known each other for a number of years. One evening there was a community supper in the big arena in the Clubhouse.
The two were at the same table, across from one another. As the meal went on, he took a few admiring glances at her and finally gathered the courage to ask her, 'Will you marry me?'
After about six seconds of 'careful consideration,' she answered 'Yes.. Yes, I will!'
The meal ended and, with a few more pleasant exchanges, they went to their respective places.. Next morning, he was troubled. 'Did she say 'yes' or did she say 'no'?'
He couldn't remember. Try as he might, he just could not recall. Not even a faint memory. With trepidation, he went to the telephone and called her.
First, he explained that he didn't remember as well as he used to. Then he reviewed the lovely evening past.. As he gained a little
more courage, he inquired, 'When I asked if you would marry me, did you say ' Yes' or did you say 'No'?'
He was delighted to hear her say, 'Why, I said, 'Yes, yes I will' and I meant it with all my heart.' Then she continued, 'And I am so
glad that you called, because I couldn't remember who had asked me.'
The two were at the same table, across from one another. As the meal went on, he took a few admiring glances at her and finally gathered the courage to ask her, 'Will you marry me?'
After about six seconds of 'careful consideration,' she answered 'Yes.. Yes, I will!'
The meal ended and, with a few more pleasant exchanges, they went to their respective places.. Next morning, he was troubled. 'Did she say 'yes' or did she say 'no'?'
He couldn't remember. Try as he might, he just could not recall. Not even a faint memory. With trepidation, he went to the telephone and called her.
First, he explained that he didn't remember as well as he used to. Then he reviewed the lovely evening past.. As he gained a little
more courage, he inquired, 'When I asked if you would marry me, did you say ' Yes' or did you say 'No'?'
He was delighted to hear her say, 'Why, I said, 'Yes, yes I will' and I meant it with all my heart.' Then she continued, 'And I am so
glad that you called, because I couldn't remember who had asked me.'
old in florida
A man was telling his neighbor in Miami , 'I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect.'
'Really,' answered the neighbor. 'What kind is it?'
' Twelve thirty.'
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
A little old man shuffled slowly into the 'Orange Dipper', an ice cream parlor in Naples , and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool.
After catching his breath he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?'
'No,' he replied, 'hemorrhoids
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
Two elderly ladies are sitting on the front porch in Spring Hills fla., doing nothing.
One lady turns and asks, 'Do you still get horny?'
The other replies, 'Oh sure I do.'
The first old lady asks, 'What do you do about it?'
The second old lady replies, 'I suck a lifesaver.'
After a few moments, the first old lady asks, 'Who drives you to the beach?'
**********************************************************
Three old ladies were sitting side by side in their retirement home in Ft. Lauderdale reminiscing. The first lady recalled shopping at the green grocers and demonstrated with her hands, the length and thickness of a cucumber she could buy for a penny.
The second old lady nodded, adding that onions used to be much bigger and cheaper also, and demonstrated the size of two big onions she could buy for a penny a piece..
The third old lady remarked, 'I can't hear a word you're saying, but
I remember the guy you're talking about.
**********************************************************
A little old lady was sitting on a park bench in The Villages, a Florida old age Community. A man walked over and sits down on the other end of the bench. After a few moments, the woman asks, 'Are
you a stranger here?'
He replies, 'I lived here years ago.'
'So, where were you all these years?'
'In prison,' he says.
'Why did they put you in prison?'
He looked at her, and very quietly said, 'I killed my wife.'
'Oh!' said the woman. 'So you're single?!'
'Really,' answered the neighbor. 'What kind is it?'
' Twelve thirty.'
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
A little old man shuffled slowly into the 'Orange Dipper', an ice cream parlor in Naples , and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool.
After catching his breath he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?'
'No,' he replied, 'hemorrhoids
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
Two elderly ladies are sitting on the front porch in Spring Hills fla., doing nothing.
One lady turns and asks, 'Do you still get horny?'
The other replies, 'Oh sure I do.'
The first old lady asks, 'What do you do about it?'
The second old lady replies, 'I suck a lifesaver.'
After a few moments, the first old lady asks, 'Who drives you to the beach?'
**********************************************************
Three old ladies were sitting side by side in their retirement home in Ft. Lauderdale reminiscing. The first lady recalled shopping at the green grocers and demonstrated with her hands, the length and thickness of a cucumber she could buy for a penny.
The second old lady nodded, adding that onions used to be much bigger and cheaper also, and demonstrated the size of two big onions she could buy for a penny a piece..
The third old lady remarked, 'I can't hear a word you're saying, but
I remember the guy you're talking about.
**********************************************************
A little old lady was sitting on a park bench in The Villages, a Florida old age Community. A man walked over and sits down on the other end of the bench. After a few moments, the woman asks, 'Are
you a stranger here?'
He replies, 'I lived here years ago.'
'So, where were you all these years?'
'In prison,' he says.
'Why did they put you in prison?'
He looked at her, and very quietly said, 'I killed my wife.'
'Oh!' said the woman. 'So you're single?!'
MAN RULES AT LAST A GUY HAS TAKEN THE TIME TO WRITE THIS ALL DOWN
FINALLY, THE GUYS' SIDE OF THE STORY.
( I MUST ADMIT, IT'S PRETTY GOOD.)
WE ALWAYS HEAR "THE RULES"
FROM THE FEMALE SIDE. NOW
HERE ARE THE RULES FROM THE MALE SIDE.
THESE ARE OUR RULES!
PLEASE NOTE.. THESE ARE ALL NUMBERED "1"
ON PURPOSE!
1.
MEN ARE NOT MIND READERS.
(FIRST & FOREMOST RULE)
1. LEARN TO
WORK THE TOILET SEAT. YOU'RE A BIG GIRL. IF IT'S UP, PUT IT DOWN.
WE NEED IT UP, YOU NEED IT DOWN.
YOU DON'T HEAR US COMPLAINING ABOUT YOU LEAVING IT DOWN.
1. SUNDAY SPORTS - IT'S LIKE THE FULL MOON OR THE CHANGING OF THE TIDES.
LET IT BE.
1. CRYING IS BLACKMAIL.
1. ASK FOR WHAT YOU WANT. LET US BE CLEAR ON THIS ONE:
SUBTLE HINTS DO NOT WORK!
STRONG HINTS DO NOT WORK!
OBVIOUS HINTS DO NOT WORK!
JUST SAY IT!
1. YES AND NO ARE PERFECTLY ACCEPTABLE ANSWERS TO ALMOST EVERY QUESTION.
1. COME TO US WITH A PROBLEM only IF YOU WANT
HELP SOLVING IT. THAT'S WHAT WE DO.
SYMPATHY IS WHAT YOUR GIRLFRIENDS ARE FOR.
1. ANYTHING WE SAID 6 MONTHS AGO IS INADMISSIBLE IN AN ARGUMENT.
IN FACT, ALL COMMENTS BECOME NULL AND VOID AFTER 7 DAYS.
1. IF YOU THINK YOU'RE FAT, YOU PROBABLY ARE. DON'T ASK US.
1. IF SOMETHING WE SAID CAN BE INTERPRETED TWO WAYS AND ONE OF THE WAYS MAKES
YOU SAD OR ANGRY, WE MEANT THE other one
1. YOU CAN EITHER ASK US TO DO SOMETHING OR TELL US HOW YOU WANT IT DONE.
NOT BOTH.
IF YOU ALREADY KNOW BEST HOW TO DO IT , JUST DO IT YOURSELF.
1. WHENEVER POSSIBLE, PLEASE SAY WHATEVER YOU HAVE TO SAY DURING COMMERCIALS.
1. CHRISTOPHER COLUMBUS DID NOT NEED DIRECTIONS
AND NEITHER DO WE.
1. ALL MEN SEE IN ONLY 16 COLORS, LIKE WINDOWS DEFAULT SETTINGS.
PEACH, FOR EXAMPLE, IS A FRUIT, NOT A COLOR. PUMPKIN
IS ALSO A FRUIT. WE HAVE NO IDEA WHAT MAUVE IS.
1. IF IT ITCHES, IT will BE SCRATCHED.
WE DO THAT.
1. IF WE ASK WHAT IS WRONG AND YOU SAY "NOTHING", WE WILL ACT LIKE NOTHING'S WRONG.
WE KNOW YOU ARE LYING, BUT IT IS JUST NOT WORTH THE HASSLE.
1. IF YOU ASK A QUESTION YOU DON'T WANT AN ANSWER TO, EXPECT AN ANSWER YOU DON'T WANT TO HEAR.
1. WHEN WE HAVE TO GO SOMEWHERE, ABSOLUTELY ANYTHING YOU WEAR IS FINE... REALLY .
1. DON'T ASK US WHAT WE'RE THINKING ABOUT UNLESS YOU ARE PREPARED TO DISCUSS
SUCH TOPICS AS FOOTBALL
OR HOCKEY.
1. YOU HAVE ENOUGH CLOTHES.
1. YOU HAVE TOO MANY SHOES.
1. I AM IN SHAPE. ROUND IS A SHAPE!
1. THANK YOU FOR READING THIS.
YES, I KNOW, I HAVE TO SLEEP ON THE COUCH TONIGHT;
BUT DID YOU
KNOW MEN REALLY DON'T MIND THAT? IT'S LIKE CAMPING.
FINALLY, THE GUYS' SIDE OF THE STORY.
( I MUST ADMIT, IT'S PRETTY GOOD.)
WE ALWAYS HEAR "THE RULES"
FROM THE FEMALE SIDE. NOW
HERE ARE THE RULES FROM THE MALE SIDE.
THESE ARE OUR RULES!
PLEASE NOTE.. THESE ARE ALL NUMBERED "1"
ON PURPOSE!
1.
MEN ARE NOT MIND READERS.
(FIRST & FOREMOST RULE)
1. LEARN TO
WORK THE TOILET SEAT. YOU'RE A BIG GIRL. IF IT'S UP, PUT IT DOWN.
WE NEED IT UP, YOU NEED IT DOWN.
YOU DON'T HEAR US COMPLAINING ABOUT YOU LEAVING IT DOWN.
1. SUNDAY SPORTS - IT'S LIKE THE FULL MOON OR THE CHANGING OF THE TIDES.
LET IT BE.
1. CRYING IS BLACKMAIL.
1. ASK FOR WHAT YOU WANT. LET US BE CLEAR ON THIS ONE:
SUBTLE HINTS DO NOT WORK!
STRONG HINTS DO NOT WORK!
OBVIOUS HINTS DO NOT WORK!
JUST SAY IT!
1. YES AND NO ARE PERFECTLY ACCEPTABLE ANSWERS TO ALMOST EVERY QUESTION.
1. COME TO US WITH A PROBLEM only IF YOU WANT
HELP SOLVING IT. THAT'S WHAT WE DO.
SYMPATHY IS WHAT YOUR GIRLFRIENDS ARE FOR.
1. ANYTHING WE SAID 6 MONTHS AGO IS INADMISSIBLE IN AN ARGUMENT.
IN FACT, ALL COMMENTS BECOME NULL AND VOID AFTER 7 DAYS.
1. IF YOU THINK YOU'RE FAT, YOU PROBABLY ARE. DON'T ASK US.
1. IF SOMETHING WE SAID CAN BE INTERPRETED TWO WAYS AND ONE OF THE WAYS MAKES
YOU SAD OR ANGRY, WE MEANT THE other one
1. YOU CAN EITHER ASK US TO DO SOMETHING OR TELL US HOW YOU WANT IT DONE.
NOT BOTH.
IF YOU ALREADY KNOW BEST HOW TO DO IT , JUST DO IT YOURSELF.
1. WHENEVER POSSIBLE, PLEASE SAY WHATEVER YOU HAVE TO SAY DURING COMMERCIALS.
1. CHRISTOPHER COLUMBUS DID NOT NEED DIRECTIONS
AND NEITHER DO WE.
1. ALL MEN SEE IN ONLY 16 COLORS, LIKE WINDOWS DEFAULT SETTINGS.
PEACH, FOR EXAMPLE, IS A FRUIT, NOT A COLOR. PUMPKIN
IS ALSO A FRUIT. WE HAVE NO IDEA WHAT MAUVE IS.
1. IF IT ITCHES, IT will BE SCRATCHED.
WE DO THAT.
1. IF WE ASK WHAT IS WRONG AND YOU SAY "NOTHING", WE WILL ACT LIKE NOTHING'S WRONG.
WE KNOW YOU ARE LYING, BUT IT IS JUST NOT WORTH THE HASSLE.
1. IF YOU ASK A QUESTION YOU DON'T WANT AN ANSWER TO, EXPECT AN ANSWER YOU DON'T WANT TO HEAR.
1. WHEN WE HAVE TO GO SOMEWHERE, ABSOLUTELY ANYTHING YOU WEAR IS FINE... REALLY .
1. DON'T ASK US WHAT WE'RE THINKING ABOUT UNLESS YOU ARE PREPARED TO DISCUSS
SUCH TOPICS AS FOOTBALL
OR HOCKEY.
1. YOU HAVE ENOUGH CLOTHES.
1. YOU HAVE TOO MANY SHOES.
1. I AM IN SHAPE. ROUND IS A SHAPE!
1. THANK YOU FOR READING THIS.
YES, I KNOW, I HAVE TO SLEEP ON THE COUCH TONIGHT;
BUT DID YOU
KNOW MEN REALLY DON'T MIND THAT? IT'S LIKE CAMPING.
Two women were having lunch together, and discussing the merits of cosmetic surgery.
The first woman said, “I need to be honest with you, I’m getting a boob job.”
The second woman responded, “Oh, that’s nothing. I’m thinking of having my asshole bleached!”
“Whoa,” replied the first woman. “I just can’t picture your husband as a blonde!”
The first woman said, “I need to be honest with you, I’m getting a boob job.”
The second woman responded, “Oh, that’s nothing. I’m thinking of having my asshole bleached!”
“Whoa,” replied the first woman. “I just can’t picture your husband as a blonde!”
So after landing my new job as aWal-Mart greeter,
a good find for many retirees,
I lasted less than a day......
About two hours into my first day on the job a very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walked into the store with her two kids,
Yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.
As I had been instructed, I said pleasantly, 'Good morning and welcome to Wal-Mart. Nice children you have there. Are they twins?'
The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, 'Hell no, they ain't twins. The oldest one's 9, and the other one's 7.
Why the hell would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?'
So I replied,
'I'm neither blind nor stupid, Ma'am,
I just couldn't believe someone slept with you twice.
Have a good day and thank you for shopping at
Wal-Mart.'
My supervisor said I probably wasn't cut out for this line of work.
a good find for many retirees,
I lasted less than a day......
About two hours into my first day on the job a very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walked into the store with her two kids,
Yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.
As I had been instructed, I said pleasantly, 'Good morning and welcome to Wal-Mart. Nice children you have there. Are they twins?'
The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, 'Hell no, they ain't twins. The oldest one's 9, and the other one's 7.
Why the hell would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?'
So I replied,
'I'm neither blind nor stupid, Ma'am,
I just couldn't believe someone slept with you twice.
Have a good day and thank you for shopping at
Wal-Mart.'
My supervisor said I probably wasn't cut out for this line of work.
HOW TO BE THE GRACIOUS ONE
Jennifer's wedding day was fast approaching. Nothing could dampen her excitement - not even her parent's nasty divorce.
Her mother had found the PERFECT dress to wear, and would be the best-dressed mother-of-the-bride ever!
A week later, Jennifer was horrified to learn that her father's new, young wife had bought the exact same dress as her mother!
Jennifer asked her father's new young wife to exchange it, but she refused. ''Absolutely not! I look like a million bucks in this dress, and I'm wearing it,'' she replied.
Jennifer told her mother who graciously said, ''Never mind sweetheart.
I'll get another dress. After all, it's your special day.''
A few days later, they went shopping, and did find another gorgeous dress for her mother.
When they stopped for lunch, Jennifer asked her mother, ''Aren't you going to return the other dress? You really don't have another occasion where you could wear it."
Her mother just smiled and replied, ''Of course I do, dear.....
I'm wearing it to the rehearsal dinner the night before the wedding.''
Jennifer's wedding day was fast approaching. Nothing could dampen her excitement - not even her parent's nasty divorce.
Her mother had found the PERFECT dress to wear, and would be the best-dressed mother-of-the-bride ever!
A week later, Jennifer was horrified to learn that her father's new, young wife had bought the exact same dress as her mother!
Jennifer asked her father's new young wife to exchange it, but she refused. ''Absolutely not! I look like a million bucks in this dress, and I'm wearing it,'' she replied.
Jennifer told her mother who graciously said, ''Never mind sweetheart.
I'll get another dress. After all, it's your special day.''
A few days later, they went shopping, and did find another gorgeous dress for her mother.
When they stopped for lunch, Jennifer asked her mother, ''Aren't you going to return the other dress? You really don't have another occasion where you could wear it."
Her mother just smiled and replied, ''Of course I do, dear.....
I'm wearing it to the rehearsal dinner the night before the wedding.''
Thanks, Shoe. You keep me in fun fodder.
Here's a new one to me:
A young law student, having failed his law exam, goes up to his crusty old professor, who is renowned for his razor-sharp legal mind.
Student: "Sir, do you really understand everything about this subject?"
Professor: "Actually, I probably do. Otherwise I wouldn't be a professor, would I?"
Student: "OK. So I would like to ask you a question. If you can give me the correct answer, I will accept my marks as it is. If you cannot give me the correct answer, however, you'll have to give me an "A".
Professor: "Hmmmm, alright. So what is the question?"
Student: "What is legal but not logical, logical but not legal, and neither logical nor legal? "
The professor rakes his famous brain, but just can't crack the answer. Finally he gives up and changes the student's failing mark into an "A" as agreed, and the student goes away, very pleased.
The professor continues to rake up his brain over the question all afternoon, but still can't get the answer. So finally he calls in a group of his brightest students and tells them he has a really, really tough question to answer: "What is legal but not logical, logical but not legal, and neither logical nor legal? "
To the professor's surprise (and embarrassment) all the students immediately raise their hands.
"All right" says the professor and asks his favourite student to answer.
"It's quite easy, sir" says the student. "You see, you are 65 years old and married to a 30 year old woman, which is legal, but not logical. Your wife has a 22 year old lover, which is logical, but not legal. And your wife's lover failed his exam but you've just given him an "A", which is neither legal nor logical !!!!!!"
Here's a new one to me:
A young law student, having failed his law exam, goes up to his crusty old professor, who is renowned for his razor-sharp legal mind.
Student: "Sir, do you really understand everything about this subject?"
Professor: "Actually, I probably do. Otherwise I wouldn't be a professor, would I?"
Student: "OK. So I would like to ask you a question. If you can give me the correct answer, I will accept my marks as it is. If you cannot give me the correct answer, however, you'll have to give me an "A".
Professor: "Hmmmm, alright. So what is the question?"
Student: "What is legal but not logical, logical but not legal, and neither logical nor legal? "
The professor rakes his famous brain, but just can't crack the answer. Finally he gives up and changes the student's failing mark into an "A" as agreed, and the student goes away, very pleased.
The professor continues to rake up his brain over the question all afternoon, but still can't get the answer. So finally he calls in a group of his brightest students and tells them he has a really, really tough question to answer: "What is legal but not logical, logical but not legal, and neither logical nor legal? "
To the professor's surprise (and embarrassment) all the students immediately raise their hands.
"All right" says the professor and asks his favourite student to answer.
"It's quite easy, sir" says the student. "You see, you are 65 years old and married to a 30 year old woman, which is legal, but not logical. Your wife has a 22 year old lover, which is logical, but not legal. And your wife's lover failed his exam but you've just given him an "A", which is neither legal nor logical !!!!!!"
When you find yourself in a hole.... quit digging.
I HAVE A QUESTION
*~*~*~*~*~*~ *~*~*~*~*
*~*~*~*~*~*~ *~*~ *~*~*
*~*~*~*~*~*~ *~*~*~*~*
If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea.... does that mean that one out of five enjoys it?
*~*~*~*~*~*~ *~*~*~*~*
*~*~*~*~*~*~ *~*~*~*~*
Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Aren't they just stale bread to begin with?
*~*~*~*~*~*~ *~*~ *~*~*
*~*~*~*~*~*~ *~
If people from Poland are called Poles, then why aren't people from Holland called Holes?
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If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?
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If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP? ?
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What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?
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I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks, so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use. Toothpicks?
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Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?
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Is it true that you never really learn to swear until you learn to drive?
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As income tax time approaches, did you ever notice: When you put the two words 'The' and 'IRS' together, it spells
'THEIRS'?
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If it's tourist season, can we shoot them?
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If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea.... does that mean that one out of five enjoys it?
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Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Aren't they just stale bread to begin with?
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If people from Poland are called Poles, then why aren't people from Holland called Holes?
*~*~*~*~*~*~ *~
*~*~*~*~*~*~ *~*~*~*~*
If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?
*~*~*~*~*~*~ *~*~*~*~*
*~*~*~*~*~*~ *~*~*~*
If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP? ?
*~*~*~*~*~*~ *~*~*~*
*~*~*~*~*~*~ *~*~*~*
What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?
*~*~*~*~*~*~ *~*~*~*
*~*~*~*~*~*~ *~*~*~*
I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks, so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use. Toothpicks?
*~*~*~*~*~*~ *~*~*~*
*~*~*~*~*~*~ *~*~*~*
Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?
*~*~*~*~*~*~ *~*~*~*
*~*~*~*~*~*~ *~*~*~*
Is it true that you never really learn to swear until you learn to drive?
*~*~*~*~*~*~ *~*~*~*
*~*~*~*~*~*~ *~*~*~*~*
As income tax time approaches, did you ever notice: When you put the two words 'The' and 'IRS' together, it spells
'THEIRS'?
*~*~*~*~*~*~ *~*~*~*
*~*~*~*~*~*~ *~*~*~*
If it's tourist season, can we shoot them?
Just the Facts•
Cats have a better sense of hearing than dogs. Their upper range goes to 60-65 kilohertz, which enables them to hear both their own kittens and the ultrasonic sounds of rodents.
• Dogs have a better sense of smell than cats. Their wet noses are capable of dissolving scent molecules which can help them detect smells that cats and humans cannot perceive. Dogs have 200 million odor-sensitive cells in their noses, compared to 19 million in a cat’s nose and 5 million in a human nose.
• Cats generally possess the same intelligence no matter what breed. There are, however, certain breeds of dog that are more intelligent than others. Some of the smartest breeds are the Doberman Pinscher, Border Collie, Golden Retriever, Poodle, and German Shepherd.
• Dog nose prints are as unique as human fingerprints, and can actually be used to identify them.
• There are about 93.6 million cat owners in the U.S. and only 77.5 million dog owners.
• A 15-year-old cat has probably spent ten years of its life sleeping.
• Dogs can donate blood to other dogs, and cats can donate blood to other cats.
• A single pair of cats and their kittens can produce as many as 420,000 kitten in just seven years.
• The Poodle haircut was originally meant to improve the dogs’ swimming abilities as a retriever, with the pom-poms left in place to warm their joints.
Cats have a better sense of hearing than dogs. Their upper range goes to 60-65 kilohertz, which enables them to hear both their own kittens and the ultrasonic sounds of rodents.
• Dogs have a better sense of smell than cats. Their wet noses are capable of dissolving scent molecules which can help them detect smells that cats and humans cannot perceive. Dogs have 200 million odor-sensitive cells in their noses, compared to 19 million in a cat’s nose and 5 million in a human nose.
• Cats generally possess the same intelligence no matter what breed. There are, however, certain breeds of dog that are more intelligent than others. Some of the smartest breeds are the Doberman Pinscher, Border Collie, Golden Retriever, Poodle, and German Shepherd.
• Dog nose prints are as unique as human fingerprints, and can actually be used to identify them.
• There are about 93.6 million cat owners in the U.S. and only 77.5 million dog owners.
• A 15-year-old cat has probably spent ten years of its life sleeping.
• Dogs can donate blood to other dogs, and cats can donate blood to other cats.
• A single pair of cats and their kittens can produce as many as 420,000 kitten in just seven years.
• The Poodle haircut was originally meant to improve the dogs’ swimming abilities as a retriever, with the pom-poms left in place to warm their joints.