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Need a laugh?
The Zen of Sarcasm
1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me,
for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much
leave me alone.
2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and leaky
tire.
3. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your
neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.
4. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be
promoted.
5. Always remember that you're unique. Just like everyone else.
6. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
7. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car
payments.
8. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes.
That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their
shoes.
9. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is probably not for you.
10. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish,
and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day .
11. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was
probably a wise investment.
12. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.
13. Some days you're the bug; some days you're the windshield.
14. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
15. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it
back in your pocket.
16. A closed mouth gathers no foot.
17. Duct tape is like 'The Force'. It has a light side and a dark side,
and it holds the universe together.
18. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.
19. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving .
20. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
21. Never miss a good chance to shut up.
AND
22. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on
the same night.
1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me,
for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much
leave me alone.
2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and leaky
tire.
3. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your
neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.
4. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be
promoted.
5. Always remember that you're unique. Just like everyone else.
6. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
7. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car
payments.
8. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes.
That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their
shoes.
9. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is probably not for you.
10. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish,
and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day .
11. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was
probably a wise investment.
12. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.
13. Some days you're the bug; some days you're the windshield.
14. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
15. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it
back in your pocket.
16. A closed mouth gathers no foot.
17. Duct tape is like 'The Force'. It has a light side and a dark side,
and it holds the universe together.
18. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.
19. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving .
20. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
21. Never miss a good chance to shut up.
AND
22. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on
the same night.
-
mindehankins
- Posts: 3014
- Joined: Fri Mar 06, 2009 8:21 am
- Location: Western NY State
Just saw this dancing cockatoo on tv....too funny!
I don't know how to embed the video, so: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0bt9xBuGWgw
I don't know how to embed the video, so: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0bt9xBuGWgw
Fantastic! Never seen anything like this, so funny!mindehankins wrote:Just saw this dancing cockatoo on tv....too funny!
I don't know how to embed the video, so: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0bt9xBuGWgw
Linne
Speaking English
The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks
than the British or Americans.
On the other hand, the French eat a lot of fat and also suffer
fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart
attacks than the British or Americans.
The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and also eat
a lot of fat, but suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or
Americans.
Conclusion:
Eat & drink what you like.
It's speaking English that kills you.
The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks
than the British or Americans.
On the other hand, the French eat a lot of fat and also suffer
fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart
attacks than the British or Americans.
The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and also eat
a lot of fat, but suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or
Americans.
Conclusion:
Eat & drink what you like.
It's speaking English that kills you.
History Exam...
Everyone over 40 should have a pretty easy time at this exam. If you are under 40 you can claim a handicap.
This is a History Exam for those who don't mind seeing how much they really remember about what went on in their life.
Get paper & pencil & number from 1 to 20..
Write the letter of each answer & score at the end.
Then before you pass this test on, put your score in the subject line. Send to friends so everyone can HAVE FUN!!!! Also send itback to me.
1. In the 1940s, where were automobile headlight dimmer switches located?
a. On the floor shift knob.
b.. On the floor board, to the left of the clutch.
c. Next to the horn.
2. The bottle top of a Royal Crown Cola bottle had holes in it. For what was it used?
a. Capture lightning bugs.
b. To sprinkle clothes before ironing.
c. Large salt shaker.
3.. Why was having milk delivered a problem in northern winters?
a. Cows got cold and wouldn't produce milk.
b. Ice on highways forced delivery by dog sle d.
c. Milkmen left deliveries outside of front doors and milk would freeze, expanding and pushing up the cardboard bottle top.
4. What was the popular chewing gum named for a game of chance?
a. Blackjack
b. Gin
c. Craps
5. What method did women use to look as if they were wearing stockings when none were available due to rationing during WW II.
a. Suntan
b. Leg painting
c. Wearing slacks
6. What postwar car turned automotive design on its ear when you couldn't tell whether it was coming or going?
a. Studebaker
b. Nash Metro
c. Tucker
7. Which was a popular candy when you were a kid?
a . Strips of dried peanut butter.
b.. Chocolate licorice bars.
c. Wax coke-shaped bottles with colored sugar water inside.
8. How was Butch wax used?
a. To stiffen a flat-top haircut so it stood up.
b. To make floors shiny and prevent scuffing.
c. On the wheels of roller skates to prevent rust.
9. Before inline skates, how did you keep your roller skates attached to your shoes?
a. With clamps, tightened by a skate key.
b. Woven straps that crossed the foot.
c. Long pieces of twine.
10. As a kid, what was considered the best way to reach a decision?
a. Consider all the facts.
b. Ask Mom.
c. Eeny-meeny-miney- MO.
11. What was the most dreaded disease in the 1940s and 1950s?
a. Smallpox
b. AIDS
c. Polio
12. 'I'll be down to get you in a ________, Honey'
a. SUV
b. Taxi
c. Streetcar
13. What was the name of Caroline Kennedy's pony?
a. Old Blue
b. Paint
c. Macaroni
14. What was a Duck-and-Cover Drill?
a. Part of the game of hide and seek.
b. What you did when your Mom called you in to do chores.
c. Hiding under y our desk, and covering your head with your arms in an A-bomb drill.
15. What was the name of the Indian Princess on the Howdy Doody show?
a.. Princess Summerfallwinterspr ing
b. Princess Sacajawea
c. Princess Moonshadow
16. What did all the really savvy students do when mimeographed tests were handed out in school?
a. Immediately sniffed the purple ink, as this was believed to get you high.
b. Made paper airplanes to see who could sail theirs out the window.
c. Wrote another pupil's name on the top, to avoid their failure.
17. Why did your Mom shop in stores that gave Green Stamps with purchases?
a. To keep you out of mischief by licking the backs, which tasted like bubble gum.
b. They could be put in special books and redeemed for various household items.
c. They were given to the kids to be used as stick-on tattoos.
18. Praise the Lord , & pass the _________?
a. Meatballs
b. Dames
c. Ammunition
19. What was the name of the singing group that made the song 'Cabdriver' a hit?
a. The Ink Spots
b. The Supremes
c. The Esquires
20. Who left his heart in San Francisco ?
a. Tony Bennett
b. Xavier Cugat
c.. George Gershwin
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ---
ANSWERS
1. (b) On the floor, to the left of the clutch. Hand controls, popular inEurope, took till the late '60's to catch on.
2. (b) To sprinkle clothes before ironing.. Who had a steam iron?
3. (c) Cold weather caused the milk to freeze and expand, popping the bottle top.
4 . (a) Blackjack Gum.
5. (b) Special makeup was applied, followed by drawing a seam down the back of the leg with eyebrow pencil.
6. (a) 1946 Studebaker.
7. (c) Wax coke bottles containing super-sweet colored water.
8. (a) Wax for your flat top (butch) haircut.
9 (a) With clamps , tightened by a skate key, which you wore on a shoestring around your
neck.
10. (c) Eeny-meeny-miney- mo.
11. (c) Polio. In beginning of Aug ust, swimming pools were closed, movies and other public gathering places were closed to try to prevent spread of the disease.
12. (b) Taxi , Better be ready by half-past eight!
13. (c) Macaroni.
14. (c) Hiding under your desk, and covering your head with your arms in an A-bomb drill.
15. (a) Princess Summerfallwinterspr ing. She was another puppet.
16. (a) Immediately sniffed the purple ink to get a high.
17. (b) Put in a special stamp book, they could be traded for household items at the Green Stamp store.
18. (c) Ammunition, and we'll all be free.
19. (a) The widely famous 50's group: The Inkspots.
20. (a) Tony Bennett, and he sounds just as good today.
SCORING
17- 20 correct: You are older than dirt, and obviously gifted with mental abilities. Now if you could only find your glasses. Definitely someone who should share your wisdom!
12 -16 correct: Not quite dirt yet, but you're getting there.
0 -11 correct: You are not old enough to share the wisdom of your experiences.
Send this to your ('old') friends with your score in the subject line.
Everyone over 40 should have a pretty easy time at this exam. If you are under 40 you can claim a handicap.
This is a History Exam for those who don't mind seeing how much they really remember about what went on in their life.
Get paper & pencil & number from 1 to 20..
Write the letter of each answer & score at the end.
Then before you pass this test on, put your score in the subject line. Send to friends so everyone can HAVE FUN!!!! Also send itback to me.
1. In the 1940s, where were automobile headlight dimmer switches located?
a. On the floor shift knob.
b.. On the floor board, to the left of the clutch.
c. Next to the horn.
2. The bottle top of a Royal Crown Cola bottle had holes in it. For what was it used?
a. Capture lightning bugs.
b. To sprinkle clothes before ironing.
c. Large salt shaker.
3.. Why was having milk delivered a problem in northern winters?
a. Cows got cold and wouldn't produce milk.
b. Ice on highways forced delivery by dog sle d.
c. Milkmen left deliveries outside of front doors and milk would freeze, expanding and pushing up the cardboard bottle top.
4. What was the popular chewing gum named for a game of chance?
a. Blackjack
b. Gin
c. Craps
5. What method did women use to look as if they were wearing stockings when none were available due to rationing during WW II.
a. Suntan
b. Leg painting
c. Wearing slacks
6. What postwar car turned automotive design on its ear when you couldn't tell whether it was coming or going?
a. Studebaker
b. Nash Metro
c. Tucker
7. Which was a popular candy when you were a kid?
a . Strips of dried peanut butter.
b.. Chocolate licorice bars.
c. Wax coke-shaped bottles with colored sugar water inside.
8. How was Butch wax used?
a. To stiffen a flat-top haircut so it stood up.
b. To make floors shiny and prevent scuffing.
c. On the wheels of roller skates to prevent rust.
9. Before inline skates, how did you keep your roller skates attached to your shoes?
a. With clamps, tightened by a skate key.
b. Woven straps that crossed the foot.
c. Long pieces of twine.
10. As a kid, what was considered the best way to reach a decision?
a. Consider all the facts.
b. Ask Mom.
c. Eeny-meeny-miney- MO.
11. What was the most dreaded disease in the 1940s and 1950s?
a. Smallpox
b. AIDS
c. Polio
12. 'I'll be down to get you in a ________, Honey'
a. SUV
b. Taxi
c. Streetcar
13. What was the name of Caroline Kennedy's pony?
a. Old Blue
b. Paint
c. Macaroni
14. What was a Duck-and-Cover Drill?
a. Part of the game of hide and seek.
b. What you did when your Mom called you in to do chores.
c. Hiding under y our desk, and covering your head with your arms in an A-bomb drill.
15. What was the name of the Indian Princess on the Howdy Doody show?
a.. Princess Summerfallwinterspr ing
b. Princess Sacajawea
c. Princess Moonshadow
16. What did all the really savvy students do when mimeographed tests were handed out in school?
a. Immediately sniffed the purple ink, as this was believed to get you high.
b. Made paper airplanes to see who could sail theirs out the window.
c. Wrote another pupil's name on the top, to avoid their failure.
17. Why did your Mom shop in stores that gave Green Stamps with purchases?
a. To keep you out of mischief by licking the backs, which tasted like bubble gum.
b. They could be put in special books and redeemed for various household items.
c. They were given to the kids to be used as stick-on tattoos.
18. Praise the Lord , & pass the _________?
a. Meatballs
b. Dames
c. Ammunition
19. What was the name of the singing group that made the song 'Cabdriver' a hit?
a. The Ink Spots
b. The Supremes
c. The Esquires
20. Who left his heart in San Francisco ?
a. Tony Bennett
b. Xavier Cugat
c.. George Gershwin
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ---
ANSWERS
1. (b) On the floor, to the left of the clutch. Hand controls, popular inEurope, took till the late '60's to catch on.
2. (b) To sprinkle clothes before ironing.. Who had a steam iron?
3. (c) Cold weather caused the milk to freeze and expand, popping the bottle top.
4 . (a) Blackjack Gum.
5. (b) Special makeup was applied, followed by drawing a seam down the back of the leg with eyebrow pencil.
6. (a) 1946 Studebaker.
7. (c) Wax coke bottles containing super-sweet colored water.
8. (a) Wax for your flat top (butch) haircut.
9 (a) With clamps , tightened by a skate key, which you wore on a shoestring around your
neck.
10. (c) Eeny-meeny-miney- mo.
11. (c) Polio. In beginning of Aug ust, swimming pools were closed, movies and other public gathering places were closed to try to prevent spread of the disease.
12. (b) Taxi , Better be ready by half-past eight!
13. (c) Macaroni.
14. (c) Hiding under your desk, and covering your head with your arms in an A-bomb drill.
15. (a) Princess Summerfallwinterspr ing. She was another puppet.
16. (a) Immediately sniffed the purple ink to get a high.
17. (b) Put in a special stamp book, they could be traded for household items at the Green Stamp store.
18. (c) Ammunition, and we'll all be free.
19. (a) The widely famous 50's group: The Inkspots.
20. (a) Tony Bennett, and he sounds just as good today.
SCORING
17- 20 correct: You are older than dirt, and obviously gifted with mental abilities. Now if you could only find your glasses. Definitely someone who should share your wisdom!
12 -16 correct: Not quite dirt yet, but you're getting there.
0 -11 correct: You are not old enough to share the wisdom of your experiences.
Send this to your ('old') friends with your score in the subject line.
The Brothel
The madam opened the brothel door in Elko County , Nevada , and saw a rather
dignified, well-dressed, good-looking man in his late forties or early fifties.
'May I help you sir?' she asked.
'I want to see Valerie,' the man replied.
'Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer
someone else', said the madam.
'No, I must see Valerie,' he replied. Just then, Valerie appeared
and announced to the man she charged $10,000 a visit.
Without hesitation, the man pulled out ten thousand dollars and gave it
to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, the man calmly left.
The next night, the man appeared again, once more demanding to see Valerie.
Valerie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row as she
was so very expensive. There were no discounts and the price was
still $10,000.
The gentleman did not blink an eye. Again, he pulled out a wad of
cash, gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs...After an hour,
he left.
The following night the man was there yet again. Everyone was
astounded that he had come for a third consecutive night, maybe a
record in the history of brothels in Nevada, which date back into the early 1800's. But without hesitation he paid Valerie the ten grand and off they went
upstairs.
After their session, Valerie said to the man, 'No one has ever been with me three nights in a row. Where are you from?'
The man replied, ' Billings , Montana .'
'Really', she said. 'I have family in Billings .'
'I know.' the man said. 'I regret to tell you, but your sister died, and I am her
attorney. She asked me to give you your $30,000 inheritance.'
The moral of the story is that three things in life are certain:
1. Death
2. Taxes
3. Being screwed by a lawyer
The madam opened the brothel door in Elko County , Nevada , and saw a rather
dignified, well-dressed, good-looking man in his late forties or early fifties.
'May I help you sir?' she asked.
'I want to see Valerie,' the man replied.
'Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer
someone else', said the madam.
'No, I must see Valerie,' he replied. Just then, Valerie appeared
and announced to the man she charged $10,000 a visit.
Without hesitation, the man pulled out ten thousand dollars and gave it
to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, the man calmly left.
The next night, the man appeared again, once more demanding to see Valerie.
Valerie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row as she
was so very expensive. There were no discounts and the price was
still $10,000.
The gentleman did not blink an eye. Again, he pulled out a wad of
cash, gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs...After an hour,
he left.
The following night the man was there yet again. Everyone was
astounded that he had come for a third consecutive night, maybe a
record in the history of brothels in Nevada, which date back into the early 1800's. But without hesitation he paid Valerie the ten grand and off they went
upstairs.
After their session, Valerie said to the man, 'No one has ever been with me three nights in a row. Where are you from?'
The man replied, ' Billings , Montana .'
'Really', she said. 'I have family in Billings .'
'I know.' the man said. 'I regret to tell you, but your sister died, and I am her
attorney. She asked me to give you your $30,000 inheritance.'
The moral of the story is that three things in life are certain:
1. Death
2. Taxes
3. Being screwed by a lawyer
Nudist Colony
A man joined a very exclusive nudist colony. On his first day he
took off his clothes and started to wander around the area. A
gorgeous petite blonde walked by, and the man immediately got
an erection.
The woman noticed his erection, came over to him and asked, did
you call for me?" The man replied, "No, what do you mean?".
She said, "You must be new here. Let me explain. It's a rule here that
if you get an erection, it implies you called for me." Smiling, she lead him to the side of the swimming pool, laid down on a towel eagerly pulled him to her and happily let him have his way with her.
Later, the man continued to explore the colony's facilities. He entered the sauna and as he sat down, he farted. Within seconds a huge, hairy man lumbered out of the steam room toward him.
"Did you call for me?" asked the hairy man.
"No, what do you mean?" replied the newcomer.
"You must be new." answered the hairy man, "It's a rule that if you
fart, it implies that you called for me." The huge man easily spun
him around, put him over a bench and had his way with the newcomer.
The newcomer staggered back to the colony office where he was
greeted by a smiling, naked receptionist, "May I help you?" she asked.
"Here's my membership card. You can have the key back and you can keep the $500 membership fee."
"But, Sir," she replied, "you've only been here a few hours. You
haven't had a chance to see all our facilities."
"Listen lady, I'm 68 years old. I only get an erection once a month,
but I fart 15 times a day. I'm outta here."
A man joined a very exclusive nudist colony. On his first day he
took off his clothes and started to wander around the area. A
gorgeous petite blonde walked by, and the man immediately got
an erection.
The woman noticed his erection, came over to him and asked, did
you call for me?" The man replied, "No, what do you mean?".
She said, "You must be new here. Let me explain. It's a rule here that
if you get an erection, it implies you called for me." Smiling, she lead him to the side of the swimming pool, laid down on a towel eagerly pulled him to her and happily let him have his way with her.
Later, the man continued to explore the colony's facilities. He entered the sauna and as he sat down, he farted. Within seconds a huge, hairy man lumbered out of the steam room toward him.
"Did you call for me?" asked the hairy man.
"No, what do you mean?" replied the newcomer.
"You must be new." answered the hairy man, "It's a rule that if you
fart, it implies that you called for me." The huge man easily spun
him around, put him over a bench and had his way with the newcomer.
The newcomer staggered back to the colony office where he was
greeted by a smiling, naked receptionist, "May I help you?" she asked.
"Here's my membership card. You can have the key back and you can keep the $500 membership fee."
"But, Sir," she replied, "you've only been here a few hours. You
haven't had a chance to see all our facilities."
"Listen lady, I'm 68 years old. I only get an erection once a month,
but I fart 15 times a day. I'm outta here."
busy couple of weeks
QUIZ for people who know everything
There are only nine questions.
This is a quiz for people who know everything! These are not trick questions. They are straight questions with straight answers.
1. Name the one sport in which neither the spectators nor the participants know the score or the leader until the contest ends.
2. What famous North American landmark is constantly moving backward?
3. Of all vegetables, only two can live to produce on their own for several growing seasons. All other vegetables must be replanted every year. What are the only two perennial vegetables?
4. What fruit has its seeds on the outside?
5. In many liquor stores, you can buy pear brandy, with a real pear inside the bottle. The pear is whole and ripe, and the bottle is genuine; it hasn't been cut in any way. How did the pear get inside the bottle?
6. Only three words in standard English begin with the letters ' dw' and they are all common words. Name two of them.
7. There are 14 punctuation marks in English grammar.
Can you name at least half of them?
8. Name the only vegetable or fruit that is never sold frozen, canned, processed, cooked, or in any other form except fresh.
9... Name 6 or more things that you can wear on your feet beginning with the letter 'S.'
Answers To Quiz:
1... The one sport in which neither the spectators nor the participants know the score or the leader until the contest ends: Boxing.
2. North American landmark constantly moving backward: Niagara Falls .
(The rim is worn down about two and a half feet each year because of the millions of gallons of water that rush over it every minute.)
3. Only two vegetables that can live to produce on their own for several growing seasons: Asparagus and rhubarb.
4. The fruit with its seeds on the outside: Strawberry.
5. How did the pear get inside the brandy bottle? It grew inside the bottle.
The bottles are placed over pear buds when they are small, and are wired in place on the tree. The bottle is left in place for the entire growing season. When the pears are ripe, they are snipped off at the stems.
6. Three English words beginning with dw: Dwarf, dwell and dwindle...
7. Fourteen punctuation marks in English grammar: Period, comma, colon, semicolon, dash, hyphen, apostrophe,question mark, exclamation point, quotation mark, brackets, parenthesis, braces, and ellip ses.
8. The only vegetable or fruit never sold frozen, canned, processed, cooked, or in any other form but fresh: Lettuce.
9. Six or more things you can wear on your feet beginning with 'S': Shoes, socks, sandals, sneakers, slippers, skis, skates, snowshoes, stockings, stilts.
QUIZ for people who know everything
There are only nine questions.
This is a quiz for people who know everything! These are not trick questions. They are straight questions with straight answers.
1. Name the one sport in which neither the spectators nor the participants know the score or the leader until the contest ends.
2. What famous North American landmark is constantly moving backward?
3. Of all vegetables, only two can live to produce on their own for several growing seasons. All other vegetables must be replanted every year. What are the only two perennial vegetables?
4. What fruit has its seeds on the outside?
5. In many liquor stores, you can buy pear brandy, with a real pear inside the bottle. The pear is whole and ripe, and the bottle is genuine; it hasn't been cut in any way. How did the pear get inside the bottle?
6. Only three words in standard English begin with the letters ' dw' and they are all common words. Name two of them.
7. There are 14 punctuation marks in English grammar.
Can you name at least half of them?
8. Name the only vegetable or fruit that is never sold frozen, canned, processed, cooked, or in any other form except fresh.
9... Name 6 or more things that you can wear on your feet beginning with the letter 'S.'
Answers To Quiz:
1... The one sport in which neither the spectators nor the participants know the score or the leader until the contest ends: Boxing.
2. North American landmark constantly moving backward: Niagara Falls .
(The rim is worn down about two and a half feet each year because of the millions of gallons of water that rush over it every minute.)
3. Only two vegetables that can live to produce on their own for several growing seasons: Asparagus and rhubarb.
4. The fruit with its seeds on the outside: Strawberry.
5. How did the pear get inside the brandy bottle? It grew inside the bottle.
The bottles are placed over pear buds when they are small, and are wired in place on the tree. The bottle is left in place for the entire growing season. When the pears are ripe, they are snipped off at the stems.
6. Three English words beginning with dw: Dwarf, dwell and dwindle...
7. Fourteen punctuation marks in English grammar: Period, comma, colon, semicolon, dash, hyphen, apostrophe,question mark, exclamation point, quotation mark, brackets, parenthesis, braces, and ellip ses.
8. The only vegetable or fruit never sold frozen, canned, processed, cooked, or in any other form but fresh: Lettuce.
9. Six or more things you can wear on your feet beginning with 'S': Shoes, socks, sandals, sneakers, slippers, skis, skates, snowshoes, stockings, stilts.
MANAGEMENT COURSE
Lesson 1:
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings.
The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.
When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbour.
Before she says a word, Bob says, 'I'll give you $800 to drop that towel.'
After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob, after a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves.
The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.
When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, 'Who was that?'
'It was Bob the next door neighbour,' she replies.
'Great,' the husband says, 'did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?'
Moral of the story:
If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.
Lesson 2:
A priest offered a Nun a lift.
She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg.
The priest nearly had an accident.
After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg....
The nun said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'
The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again.
The nun once again said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'
The priest apologized 'Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.'
Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily
and went on her way.
On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, 'Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.'
Moral of the story:
If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.
Lesson 3:
A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.
They rub it and a Genie comes out.
The Genie says, 'I'll give each of you just one wish.'
'Me first! Me first!' says the admin clerk. 'I want to be in the Bahamas , driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.'
Puff! She's gone.
'Me next! Me next!' says the sales rep. 'I want to be in Hawaii , relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life..'
Puff! He's gone.
'OK, you're up,' the Genie says to the manager.
The manager says, 'I want those two back in the office after lunch.'
Moral of the story:
Always let your boss have the first say.
Lesson 4
An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing.
A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, 'Can I also sit like you and do nothing?'
The eagle answered: 'Sure, why not.'
So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it..
Moral of the story:
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.
Lesson 5
A turkey was chatting with a bull.
'I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree' sighed the turkey, 'but I haven't got the energy.'
'Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?' replied the bull. They're packed with nutrients.'
The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.
The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.
Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree.
He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.
Moral of the story:
Bull Shit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there..
Lesson 6
A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field.
While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.
As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was.
The dung was actually thawing him out!
He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.
A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.
Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.
Morals of the story:
(1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.
(2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your
friend.
(3) And when you're in deep shit, it's best to keep
your mouth shut!
THUS ENDS THE FIVE MINUTE MANAGEMENT COURSE
Lesson 1:
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings.
The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.
When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbour.
Before she says a word, Bob says, 'I'll give you $800 to drop that towel.'
After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob, after a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves.
The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.
When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, 'Who was that?'
'It was Bob the next door neighbour,' she replies.
'Great,' the husband says, 'did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?'
Moral of the story:
If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.
Lesson 2:
A priest offered a Nun a lift.
She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg.
The priest nearly had an accident.
After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg....
The nun said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'
The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again.
The nun once again said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'
The priest apologized 'Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.'
Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily
and went on her way.
On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, 'Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.'
Moral of the story:
If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.
Lesson 3:
A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.
They rub it and a Genie comes out.
The Genie says, 'I'll give each of you just one wish.'
'Me first! Me first!' says the admin clerk. 'I want to be in the Bahamas , driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.'
Puff! She's gone.
'Me next! Me next!' says the sales rep. 'I want to be in Hawaii , relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life..'
Puff! He's gone.
'OK, you're up,' the Genie says to the manager.
The manager says, 'I want those two back in the office after lunch.'
Moral of the story:
Always let your boss have the first say.
Lesson 4
An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing.
A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, 'Can I also sit like you and do nothing?'
The eagle answered: 'Sure, why not.'
So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it..
Moral of the story:
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.
Lesson 5
A turkey was chatting with a bull.
'I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree' sighed the turkey, 'but I haven't got the energy.'
'Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?' replied the bull. They're packed with nutrients.'
The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.
The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.
Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree.
He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.
Moral of the story:
Bull Shit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there..
Lesson 6
A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field.
While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.
As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was.
The dung was actually thawing him out!
He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.
A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.
Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.
Morals of the story:
(1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.
(2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your
friend.
(3) And when you're in deep shit, it's best to keep
your mouth shut!
THUS ENDS THE FIVE MINUTE MANAGEMENT COURSE
50th
On their 50th
>anniversary, a wife found the negligee she wore on her wedding night and put it
>on. She went to her husband, a retired Marine, and asked, Honey, do you remember
>this?'
>
>He looked up from his newspaper and said; 'Yes dear,
>I do. You wore that same negligee the night we were married'
>
>She said, 'Yes, that's right. Do you remember what
>you said to me that night?
>
>He nodded and said 'Yes dear, I said; Oh baby, I'm
>going to suck the life out of those boobs and screw your brains out.'
>
>She giggled and said; 'That's exactly what you said.
>So now its fifty years later, and I'm in the same negligee. What do you have to
>say tonight?'
>
>He looked her up and down and said, 'Mission Accomplished'
On their 50th
>anniversary, a wife found the negligee she wore on her wedding night and put it
>on. She went to her husband, a retired Marine, and asked, Honey, do you remember
>this?'
>
>He looked up from his newspaper and said; 'Yes dear,
>I do. You wore that same negligee the night we were married'
>
>She said, 'Yes, that's right. Do you remember what
>you said to me that night?
>
>He nodded and said 'Yes dear, I said; Oh baby, I'm
>going to suck the life out of those boobs and screw your brains out.'
>
>She giggled and said; 'That's exactly what you said.
>So now its fifty years later, and I'm in the same negligee. What do you have to
>say tonight?'
>
>He looked her up and down and said, 'Mission Accomplished'
When you find yourself in a hole.... quit digging.
After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Target. Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse. Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Target.
> Dear Mrs. Samuel,
>
> Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Samuel, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras.
>
> 1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.
>
> 2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.
>
> 3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.
>
> 4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money.
>
> 5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.
>
> 6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
>
> 7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.
>
> 8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs were called.
>
> 9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.
>
> 10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were..
>
> 11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the ' Mission Impossible' theme.
>
> 12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels.
>
> 13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'
>
> 14. October 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'
>
> And last, but not least:
>
> 15. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.' One ofthe clerks passed out.
> Dear Mrs. Samuel,
>
> Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Samuel, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras.
>
> 1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.
>
> 2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.
>
> 3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.
>
> 4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money.
>
> 5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.
>
> 6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
>
> 7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.
>
> 8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs were called.
>
> 9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.
>
> 10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were..
>
> 11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the ' Mission Impossible' theme.
>
> 12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels.
>
> 13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'
>
> 14. October 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'
>
> And last, but not least:
>
> 15. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.' One ofthe clerks passed out.
The Awesome power of a wife's love...
A very old man lay dying in his bed. In death's doorway, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite chocolate chip cookie wafting up the stairs.
He gathered his remaining strength and lifted himself from the bed. Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort forced himself down the stairs, gripping the railing with both hands.
With labored breath, he leaned against the door frame, gazing into the kitchen. Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven.
There, spread out on newspapers on the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favorite chocolate chip cookies.
Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted wife, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?
Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself toward the table. The aged and withered hand, shaking, made its way to a cookie at the edge of the table, when he was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife.
"Stay out of those," she said. "They're for the funeral.
A very old man lay dying in his bed. In death's doorway, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite chocolate chip cookie wafting up the stairs.
He gathered his remaining strength and lifted himself from the bed. Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort forced himself down the stairs, gripping the railing with both hands.
With labored breath, he leaned against the door frame, gazing into the kitchen. Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven.
There, spread out on newspapers on the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favorite chocolate chip cookies.
Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted wife, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?
Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself toward the table. The aged and withered hand, shaking, made its way to a cookie at the edge of the table, when he was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife.
"Stay out of those," she said. "They're for the funeral.
QUESTIONS
Can you cry under water?
How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?
Why do you have to 'put your two cents in'... but it's only a 'penny for your thoughts'? Where's that extra penny going to?
Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?
Why does a round pizza come in a square box?
What disease did cured ham actually have?
How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?
Why is it that people say they 'slept like a baby' when babies wake up like every two hours?
If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?
Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?
Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?
Why do doctors leave the room while you change?
They're going to see you naked anyway.
Why is 'bra' singular and 'panties' plural?
Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a
horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?
If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?
If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?
Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!
If Wile E.. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?
If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?
Why did you just try singing the two songs above?
Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your butt?
Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you
take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?
Why, Why, Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are going dead?
Why do banks charge a fee on 'insufficient funds' when they know there is not enough money?
Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?
Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?
Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
Whose idea was it to put an 'S' in the word 'lisp'?
If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?
Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?
Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?
Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to
give the vacuum one more chance?
Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?
How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?
When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, 'It's all right?' Well,
it isn't all right, so why don't we say, 'That really hurt, why don't you watch where you're going?'
Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?
In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?
How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?
The statistics on sanity is that one out of every four persons is suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends -- if they're okay, then it's you.
Can you cry under water?
How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?
Why do you have to 'put your two cents in'... but it's only a 'penny for your thoughts'? Where's that extra penny going to?
Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?
Why does a round pizza come in a square box?
What disease did cured ham actually have?
How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?
Why is it that people say they 'slept like a baby' when babies wake up like every two hours?
If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?
Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?
Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?
Why do doctors leave the room while you change?
They're going to see you naked anyway.
Why is 'bra' singular and 'panties' plural?
Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a
horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?
If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?
If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?
Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!
If Wile E.. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?
If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?
Why did you just try singing the two songs above?
Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your butt?
Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you
take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?
Why, Why, Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are going dead?
Why do banks charge a fee on 'insufficient funds' when they know there is not enough money?
Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?
Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?
Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
Whose idea was it to put an 'S' in the word 'lisp'?
If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?
Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?
Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?
Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to
give the vacuum one more chance?
Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?
How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?
When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, 'It's all right?' Well,
it isn't all right, so why don't we say, 'That really hurt, why don't you watch where you're going?'
Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?
In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?
How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?
The statistics on sanity is that one out of every four persons is suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends -- if they're okay, then it's you.
... no longer a stranger to paradise