Need a laugh?

vi lover · Post by **vi lover** » Fri Feb 26, 2010 11:02 am

How Fights Start

My wife sat down on the sofa next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked, "What's on TV?"

I said, "Dust."

And then the fight started....

******************************************

My wife and I were watching "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?"

"No," she answered.

I then said, "Is that your final answer?"

She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, "Yes."

So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

And then the fight started....

******************************************

Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat to the van, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing at 40 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and learned that the weather would be bad all day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."

My loving wife of 5 years replied, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?"

And that's how the fight started....

******************************************

I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny? Yeah, well I couldn't believe it.... He was a DWARF!!! He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, "I AM NOT HAPPY!!!"

So, I looked down at him and said, "Well, then which one are you?"

And then the fight started....

*****************************************

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds."

I bought her a bathroom scale.

And then the fight started....

******************************************

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.

The woman said, "Unbutton your shirt." So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, "That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me," and she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.

She said, "You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too."

And then the fight started....

******************************************

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.

My wife asked, "Do you know her?"

"Yes," I sighed, "She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since."

"My God!" says my wife, "who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"

And then the fight started....

******************************************

I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason took my order first. "I'll have the steak, medium rare, please."

He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"

"Nah, she can order for herself."

And then the fight started....

******************************************

A woman was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She was not happy with what she saw and said to her husband, "I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment."

The husband replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."

And then the fight started

shoemak38 · Post by **shoemak38** » Sat Feb 27, 2010 7:54 pm

only four tree's down between our house and the main road going other way road is closed
many people in NH without power
<a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/27134057@N04/4392935055/" title="feb 25 jokes by SHOEMAK38, on Flickr"><img src="http://farm5.static.flickr.com/4063/439 ... 8dcf82.jpg" width="500" height="372" alt="feb 25 jokes"></a>

so we need a joke

TrvlJohn · Post by **TrvlJohn** » Thu Mar 04, 2010 9:07 am

Recently got this in an email and thought about all of the people on the forum that have had a tough winter.... long but funny.

DIARY OF A SNOW SHOVELER

December 8 - 6:00 PM
It started to snow. The first snow of the season and the wife and I took our cocktails and sat for hours by the window watching the huge soft flakes drift down from heaven. It looked like a Grandma Moses Print. So romantic we felt like newlyweds again. I love snow!

December 9
We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow covering every inch of the landscape. What a fantastic sight! Can there be a more lovely place in the whole world? Moving here was the best idea I've ever had! Shovelled for the first time in years and felt like a boy again. I did both our driveway and the sidewalks. This afternoon the snowplough came along and covered up the sidewalks and closed in the driveway, so I got to shovel again. What a perfect life!

December 12
The sun has melted all our lovely snow.. Such a disappointment! My neighbour tells me not to worry- we'll definitely have a white Christmas. No snow on Christmas would be awful! Bob says we'll have so much snow by the end of winter, that I'll never want to see snow again. I don't think that's possible. Bob is such a nice man, I'm glad he's our neighbour.

December 14
Snow, lovely snow! 8 inches last night. The temperature dropped to -20. The cold makes everything sparkle so. The wind took my breath away, but I warmed up by shovelling the driveway and sidewalks. This is the life! The snowplough came back this afternoon and buried everything again. I didn't realize I would have to do quite this much shovelling, but I'll certainly get back in shape this way. I wish I wouldn't huff and puff so.

December 15
20 inches forecast. Sold my van and bought a 4x4 Blazer. Bought snow tires for the wife's car and 2 extra shovels. Stocked the freezer. The wife wants a wood stove in case the electricity goes out. I think that's silly. We aren't in Alaska , after all.

December 16
Ice storm this morning. Fell on my ass on the ice in the driveway putting down salt. Hurt like hell. The wife laughed for an hour, which I think was very cruel.

December 17
Still way below freezing. Roads are too icy to go anywhere. Electricity was off for 5 hours. I had to pile the blankets on to stay warm. Nothing to do but stare at the wife and try not to irritate her. Guess I should've bought a wood stove, but won't admit it to her. God I hate it when she's right. I can't believe I'm freezing to death in my own living room.

December 20
Electricity's back on, but had another 14 inches of the stuff last night. More shovelling! Took all day. The dam snowplow came by twice. Tried to find a neighbour kid to shovel, but they said they're too busy playing hockey. I think they're lying. Called the only hardware store around to see about buying a snow blower and they're out. Might have another shipment in March. I think they're lying. Bob says I have to shovel or the city will have it done and bill me. I think he's lying.

December 22
Bob was right about a white Christmas because 13 more inches of the white crap fell today, and it's so cold, it probably won't melt till August. Took me 45 minutes to get all dressed up to go out to shovel and then I had to pee. By the time I got undressed, peed and dressed again, I was too tired to shovel. Tried to hire Bob who has a plow on his truck for the rest of the winter, but he says he's too busy. I think the butthole is lying.

December 23
Only 2 inches of snow today. And it warmed up to 0. The wife wanted me to decorate the front of the house this morning. What is she, nuts?!! Why didn't she tell me to do that a month ago? She says she did but I think she's lying.

December 24
6 inches - Snow packed so hard by snowplow, I broke the shovel. Thought I was having a heart attack. If I ever catch the son of a ##### who drives that snow plow, I'll drag him through the snow by his ##### and beat him to death with my broken shovel. I know he hides around the corner and waits for me to finish shovelling and then he comes down the street at a 100 miles an hour and throws snow all over where I've just been! Tonight the wife wanted me to sing Christmas carols with her and open our presents, but I was too busy watching for the damn snowplow.

December 25
Merry fricking Christmas! 20 more inches of the damn slop tonight - Snowed in. The idea of shovelling makes my blood boil. God, I hate the snow! Then the snowplow driver came by asking for a donation and I hit him over the head with my shovel. The wife says I have a bad attitude. I think she's a fricking idiot. If I have to watch "It's A Wonderful Life" one more time, I'm going to stuff her into the microwave.

December 26
Still snowed in. Why the hell did I ever move here? It was all HER idea. She's really getting on my nerves.

December 27
Temperature dropped to -30 and the pipes froze; plumber came after 14 hours of waiting for him, he only charged me $1,400 to replace all my pipes.

December 28
Warmed up to above -20. Still snowed in. My WIFE is driving me crazy!!!

December 29
10 more inches. Bob says I have to shovel the roof or it could cave in. That's the silliest thing I ever heard. How dumb does he think I am?

December 30
Roof caved in. I beat up the snow plow driver, and now he is suing me for a million dollars, not only the beating I gave him, but also for trying to shove the broken snow shovel up his BUTT. The wife went home to her mother. Nine more inches predicted.

December 31
I set fire to what's left of the house. No more shovelling.

January 8
Feel so good. I just love those little white pills they keep giving me. Why am I tied to the bed?

shoemak38 · Post by **shoemak38** » Thu Mar 04, 2010 6:30 pm

It's pick on us men week

shoemak38 · Post by **shoemak38** » Thu Mar 04, 2010 6:31 pm

shoemak38 · Post by **shoemak38** » Thu Mar 04, 2010 6:31 pm

shoemak38 · Post by **shoemak38** » Thu Mar 04, 2010 8:16 pm

<a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/27134057@N04/4407034633/" title="Mar 5 jokes by SHOEMAK38, on Flickr"><img src="http://farm5.static.flickr.com/4006/440 ... 769739.jpg" width="500" height="457" alt="Mar 5 jokes"></a>

until next week

JT · Post by JT » Fri Mar 05, 2010 8:36 am

Subj: Talking to God

There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses..

One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting to God with no actual address. He thought he should open it to see what it was about.

The letter read:

Dear God,

I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small pension.

Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had $100 in it, which was all the money I had until my next pension payment.

Next Friday is Christmas, and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with, have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope... Can you please help me?

Sincerely, Edna

The postal worker was touched. He showed the letter to all the other workers. Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few dollars.

By the time he made the rounds, he had collected $96, which they put into an envelope and sent to the woman.

The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of Edna and the dinner she would be able to share with her friends.

Christmas came and went.

A few days later, another letter came from the same old lady to God.

All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened.

It read:

Dear God,

How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me?

Because of your gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my friends. We had a very nice day and I told my friends of your wonderful gift.

By the way, there was $4 missing.

I think it might have been those bastards at the post office.

Sincerely, Edna
=

pipanale · Post by **pipanale** » Fri Mar 05, 2010 9:09 am

sorry for the self-pimping, but I amused myself this morning with this one.
http://nogooddaddy.com/archives/1616

Language today is shockingly PG-13

liamsaunt · Post by **liamsaunt** » Thu Mar 11, 2010 10:12 am

I got this today and since I love plays on words I thought I would share it with you:

Neologisms

Once again, The Washington Post has published the winning submissions to its yearly neologism contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternative meanings for common words.

The winners are:

1. Coffee (n.), the person upon whom one coughs.

2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.

3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.

5. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent.

6. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightgown.

7. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.

8. Gargoyle (n), olive-flavored mouthwash.

9. Flatulence (n.) emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.

10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.

11. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.

12. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.

13. Pokemon (n), a Rastafarian proctologist.

14. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.

15. Frisbeetarianism (n.), the belief that, when you die, your soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.

16. Circumvent (n.), an opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.

The Washington Post's Style Invitational also asked readers to take any
word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting or changing
one letter, and supply a new definition.

Here are this year's winners:

1. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

2. Foreploy (v): Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.

3. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.

4. Giraffiti (n): Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

5. Sarchasm (n): The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.

6. Inoculatte (v): To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

7. Hipatitis (n): Terminal coolness.

8. Osteopornosis (n): A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit).

9. Karmageddon (n): its like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.

10. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.

11. Glibido (v): All talk and no action.

12. Dopeler effect (n): The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

13. Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

14. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

15. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a grub in the fruit you're eating.

And the pick of the literature:

16. Ignoranus (n): A person who's both stupid and an asshole.

shoemak38 · Post by **shoemak38** » Thu Mar 11, 2010 8:26 pm

shoemak38 · Post by **shoemak38** » Thu Mar 11, 2010 8:27 pm

shoemak38 · Post by **shoemak38** » Thu Mar 11, 2010 8:31 pm

A joke from the other side of the pond

<a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/27134057@N04/4425472309/" title="jokes mar 12 by SHOEMAK38, on Flickr"><img src="http://farm5.static.flickr.com/4042/442 ... 8c80e7.jpg" width="500" height="372" alt="jokes mar 12"></a>

<a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/27134057@N04/4425473755/" title="jokes mar 12 by SHOEMAK38, on Flickr"><img src="http://farm3.static.flickr.com/2679/442 ... 2dafd8.jpg" width="500" height="375" alt="jokes mar 12"></a>

<a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/27134057@N04/4426240022/" title="jokes mar 12 by SHOEMAK38, on Flickr"><img src="http://farm5.static.flickr.com/4001/442 ... 0fcfce.jpg" width="500" height="371" alt="jokes mar 12"></a>

<a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/27134057@N04/4426240858/" title="jokes mar 12 by SHOEMAK38, on Flickr"><img src="http://farm5.static.flickr.com/4028/442 ... 9b4d6a.jpg" width="500" height="373" alt="jokes mar 12"></a>

<a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/27134057@N04/4425476735/" title="jokes mar 12 by SHOEMAK38, on Flickr"><img src="http://farm3.static.flickr.com/2716/442 ... a77a6d.jpg" width="500" height="372" alt="jokes mar 12"></a>

<a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/27134057@N04/4426242800/" title="jokes mar 12 by SHOEMAK38, on Flickr"><img src="http://farm5.static.flickr.com/4037/442 ... 363e0d.jpg" width="500" height="368" alt="jokes mar 12"></a>

<a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/27134057@N04/4425479457/" title="jokes mar 12 by SHOEMAK38, on Flickr"><img src="http://farm5.static.flickr.com/4041/442 ... 584f3f.jpg" width="500" height="365" alt="jokes mar 12"></a>

<a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/27134057@N04/4425480159/" title="jokes mar 12 by SHOEMAK38, on Flickr"><img src="http://farm5.static.flickr.com/4023/442 ... 069684.jpg" width="500" height="367" alt="jokes mar 12"></a>

linne · Post by **linne** » Fri Mar 12, 2010 5:07 am

I really enjoy this topic. My son always send a lot of good jokes to me, and now I have begun to copy the jokes here and send them to him.

Linne

shoemak38 · Post by **shoemak38** » Fri Mar 12, 2010 12:56 pm

BOVINE POLITICS

DEMOCRATIC You have two cows.
Your neighbor has none.
You feel guilty for being successful.
REPUBLICANISM You have two cows.
Your neighbor has none.
So?
SOCIALIST You have two cows.
The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor.
You form a cooperative to tell him how to manage his cow
COMMUNIST You have two cows.
The government seizes both and provides you with milk.
You wait in line for hours to get it.
It is expensive and sour.
CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE You have two cows.
You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows.
BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE You have two cows.
Under the new farm program the government pays you to shoot one, milk the other, and then pours the milk down the drain
AMERICAN CORPORATION You have two cows.
You sell one, lease it back to yourself and do an IPO on the 2nd one.
You force the two cows to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when one cow drops dead. You spin an announcement to the analysts stating you have downsized and are reducing expenses.
Your stock goes up.
FRENCH CORPORATION You have two cows.
You go on strike because you want three cows.
You go to lunch and drink wine.
Life is good.
JAPANESE CORPORATION You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.
They learn to travel on unbelievably crowded trains.
Most are at the top of their class at cow school.
GERMAN CORPORATION You have two cows.
You engineer them so they are all blond, drink lots of beer, give excellent quality milk, and run a hundred miles an hour.
Unfortunately they also demand 13 weeks of vacation per year.
ITALIAN CORPORATION You have two cows but you don't know where they are.
While ambling around, you see a beautiful woman.
You break for lunch.
Life is good.
RUSSIAN CORPORATION You have two cows.
You have some vodka.
You count them and learn you have five cows.
You have some more vodka.
You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
The Mafia shows up and takes over however many cows you really have.
TALIBAN CORPORATION You have all the cows in Afghanistan , which are two.
You don't milk them because you cannot touch any creature's private parts.
You get a $40 million grant from the US government to find alternatives to milk production but use the money to buy weapons.
IRAQI CORPORATION You have two cows.
They go into hiding.
They send radio tapes of their mooing.
POLISH CORPORATION You have two bulls.
Employees are regularly maimed and killed attempting to milk them.
BELGIAN CORPORATION You have one cow.
The cow is schizophrenic.
Sometimes the cow thinks he's French, other times he's Flemish.
The Flemish cow won't share with the French cow.
The French cow wants control of the Flemish cow's milk.
The cow asks permission to be cut in half.
The cow dies happy.

usvi-on-line

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Diary of a Snow Shoveler

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Diary of a Snow Shoveler