Top 11 Absurd Responses To STJ Hypotheticals
Posted: Fri May 31, 2013 12:50 pm
Hey, every Forum needs an idiot, why deprive this one, right?
That's right party people, the real St. Shady is headed back to St. J and to honor my return to the Rock, I am following up the critically panned Not-So-Deep STJ Thoughts countdown (http://www.virgin-islands-on-line.com/v ... =1&t=20329) from a few years back with another every bit as superfluous forum thread:
Top 11 Absurd Responses To STJ Hypothetical Questions
(Why 11, well because it's absurd and it's also the number days left until departure day.)
5/31/13
#11 - Assuming the guys at NASA remembered to carry the 1 and there is in fact a rather large, planet destroying asteroid headed straight for us, I would choose to spend the few remaining hours on Earth at the Tourist Trap on STJ because I would think it would be too tough to get a last minute dinner reservation on Zozo's balcony for the sunset of mankind. Plus, after the asteroid hits, there will probably be a power outage and I think Larry and Cheryl run their blender off a car battery. So we'd have that going for us in case we still wanted to drink a toast to world peace, which is nice....but also probably moot by that point.
6/1/13
#10 - Skinny Legs' Bleu Cheese Burger. Rhumblines Spicey Szechuan Tuna. Deli Groto's Coconut "Crack" Bar. All are outstanding in their own right and worthy nominees should I ever be forced to decide on just one STJ restaurant food item to subsist on for the rest of my life. But I've decided to take the esophageal pathway less swallowed, reaching deep down to muster as much gastrointestinal fortitude as possible and have boldly chosen the oft misunderstood, Conch Fritter, the ones served at Vie's Snack Shack by Vie herself to be precise. True, it's a risky proposition given the fritter's artery clogging efficiency and 28.5% chance Vie won't be open for lunch. But the critical ingredient in this Caribbean hushpuppy is found in abundance in the waters around STJ and the Conch Fritter usually comes with a variety of dipping sauces to keep my palette intrigued and my absurdly interdependent relationship with this marine mollusk ever so fresh.
6/2/13
#9 - Assuming Conrad Sutton offered a Delorean for rent with the optional Flux Capacitor fun package standard and I could actually find some place on STJ to get that bad boy up to the 88 mph required to make time travel possible, I'd go back to STJ circa 100 BC and put up signs along the Reef Bay Gut that read, "Take Only Memories, Leave Only Footprints." I mean seriously, just because the Taino Indians got to the island 2000 years before we did doesn't mean they should have the right to carve stuff in the rocks. Hey, I'd like to carve "54b Barfed Up His Spleen Here" in 3-foot type on that big Kapok tree on the Reef Bay Trail, but I don't because I know petroglyphs is just a fancy science word for graffiti.
6/3/13
#8 - I think we can all agree that the only thing really standing between us and getting a face tattoo is the proper incentive. And the proposition of being given a comfortable life on STJ void of any expenses or worries for the rest of our days in exchange for said face tat sounds like a no brainer. But what kind of tattoo would you adorn your face with? Sure, you could go with some obscure tribal marking like Mike Tyson. Or get "SPF 50" inked backwards on your face to remind you to put on sunscreen every morning when you looked in the mirror. But I think I'm going with a geographical outline of the island filled in with a brownish-pink hue. That way if I put on a few more pounds thanks to the stress-free lifestyle I'd just been afforded, people would just say, "wow, that guy has a really interesting birthmark on his face."
6/4/13
# 7 - You want to know what's really absurd? The 5pm Customs' curfew when you're returning from the BVI's. What's up with that? It's not like they close STJ or the rest of the BVIs. They're not amusement parks...or are they? Anyway, I'm pretty sure I'm just as much of an American at 5:01pm as I am at 4:59pm. So if I'm elected "Govna" for the day, besides passing a law that makes it legal and mandatory to rub anyone's tummy who doesn't say "good morning/afternoon/evening" when greeting you, I'm also extending the hours of operations over at Customs and adding a drive-thru lane for boats. You know maybe Customs can have one of those menu boards out at the end of dock with the squawk box and you can order like a #3 that includes a stamp in your passport and a jumbo sized order of fries because who isn't friggin' starving for anything deep fried after a day out on the water? Oh, just a tip though, I'd ask the Drive-Thru Customs Agent to hold the body cavity search that usually comes standard with the #3.
6/5/13
#6 - If I could be any animal on STJ there's no question that I'm going with the winnebago of the animal world, the Hermit Crab. Depending on your tolerance for vertical ascents, you can live up high on a hill with a down island view or tuck your pincher in and just roll all the way down to some beachfront property. Plus, you could probably pocket some sweet crawling-around-money on the Hermit Crab Racing Circuit. If "rubbing is racing," I can't think of a better gastropod suited for MISS LUCY'S SUNDAY-SUNDAY-SUNDAY BRUNCH & HERMIT CRAB DEMOLITION DERBY!!!!...or if you're more into cross country racing, you could always participate in the charity race, 8 Tough Meters.
6/6/13
#5 - The ability to hold your breath indefinitely while snorkeling sounds nice. Unlimited patience at restaurants during high season could come in handy. And who wouldn't want to be able to snap their fingers and make any hour happy hour at Woody's? But while taking my morning constitutional today, it occurred to me that the STJ superpower that I covet most would be the ability to poop sand like the parrot fish. Besides being a cool party trick, I figure I'd be a real hit at sandcastle building competitions and I could sport a STJ Superhero name like, "The Beachmaker" or "Sand Blaster" or even "Deuce Maho," which could also double as a cool STJ porn star name.
6/7/13
#4 Assuming it pays well enough to afford a good living on STJ, I think the STJ job I'd most want would be: Lion Fish Interrogator. I could roam the Rock every day just waiting for my CB radio to crackle, "Car 54b, where are you? We have a 187 in progress, suspect: adult male lion fish, Salt Pond." And I would be like, "roger that, I'm in hot pursuit." Once I located the offending party, with the help of the cork and washer locator that a concerned citizen dropped, I'd point my lobster lasso at the perp and be like, "don't move a fin or I'll turn you in to fried whale plankton faster than you can say first degree sashimi." And If I couldn't get the little serial fish killer to confess with questions like, "what's a guy like you doing in a school (of fish) zone" and "why does your breath smell like blue tang," I just might have to resort to, yes, torture. Unfortunately, I don't think waterboarding a lion fish would work...that's why I always carry a surf board. Hey lion fish, it's boogie time.
6/8/13
#3 There's a box with a button at the Beach Bar. If you push it, two things can happen and everyone will know that you pushed it. There's a 90% the result of pushing the button will be good and a 10% chance it will be bad. There are also two yellow t-shirts hanging next to this box. The first one contains the words in big black type: "I PUSHED THE BUTTON AND WON FREE PAINKILLERS FOR ALL." Unfortunately I'm currently wearing the second t-shirt that reads: "I PUSHED THE BUTTON AND CAUSED THE POWER OUTAGE." Whoops, my bad...perhaps the bar is not the best place to host this box.
6/9/13
#2 "We regret to inform you that the boiler on the USS Norway exploded this morning and your cruise has been cancelled," said the cruise liaison in the baggage claim area at the Miami airport at 8am on a June Sunday, just two hours before we were to embark on a weeklong cruise. After the mother of all dock blocks, my wife and I and 3 other twenty-somethings couples somehow remained calm and arranged to book flights from Miami to St. Thomas and rent a last second villa, Inn Paradise, on STJ for the week. And as absurd as it sounds, this would be the day I would choose to be my Groundhog Day - a day that repeats over and over as you learn all the important life lessons. Though that day started off about as bad as it possibly could have and I had to go through feeling like someone was punching me in the gut for about five hours, I ended up discovering St. John because of it and learned so many good lessons about staying positive and open minded. I will never forget that first time I saw the view from our villa. I couldn't believe I was actually there or that there were places this beautiful on Earth.
6/10/13
#1 If there was no St. John...well now that's just too absurd to dignify with a response.
STJ, soon come.
6/11/13 - TRAVEL DAY!!!
That's right party people, the real St. Shady is headed back to St. J and to honor my return to the Rock, I am following up the critically panned Not-So-Deep STJ Thoughts countdown (http://www.virgin-islands-on-line.com/v ... =1&t=20329) from a few years back with another every bit as superfluous forum thread:
Top 11 Absurd Responses To STJ Hypothetical Questions
(Why 11, well because it's absurd and it's also the number days left until departure day.)
5/31/13
#11 - Assuming the guys at NASA remembered to carry the 1 and there is in fact a rather large, planet destroying asteroid headed straight for us, I would choose to spend the few remaining hours on Earth at the Tourist Trap on STJ because I would think it would be too tough to get a last minute dinner reservation on Zozo's balcony for the sunset of mankind. Plus, after the asteroid hits, there will probably be a power outage and I think Larry and Cheryl run their blender off a car battery. So we'd have that going for us in case we still wanted to drink a toast to world peace, which is nice....but also probably moot by that point.
6/1/13
#10 - Skinny Legs' Bleu Cheese Burger. Rhumblines Spicey Szechuan Tuna. Deli Groto's Coconut "Crack" Bar. All are outstanding in their own right and worthy nominees should I ever be forced to decide on just one STJ restaurant food item to subsist on for the rest of my life. But I've decided to take the esophageal pathway less swallowed, reaching deep down to muster as much gastrointestinal fortitude as possible and have boldly chosen the oft misunderstood, Conch Fritter, the ones served at Vie's Snack Shack by Vie herself to be precise. True, it's a risky proposition given the fritter's artery clogging efficiency and 28.5% chance Vie won't be open for lunch. But the critical ingredient in this Caribbean hushpuppy is found in abundance in the waters around STJ and the Conch Fritter usually comes with a variety of dipping sauces to keep my palette intrigued and my absurdly interdependent relationship with this marine mollusk ever so fresh.
6/2/13
#9 - Assuming Conrad Sutton offered a Delorean for rent with the optional Flux Capacitor fun package standard and I could actually find some place on STJ to get that bad boy up to the 88 mph required to make time travel possible, I'd go back to STJ circa 100 BC and put up signs along the Reef Bay Gut that read, "Take Only Memories, Leave Only Footprints." I mean seriously, just because the Taino Indians got to the island 2000 years before we did doesn't mean they should have the right to carve stuff in the rocks. Hey, I'd like to carve "54b Barfed Up His Spleen Here" in 3-foot type on that big Kapok tree on the Reef Bay Trail, but I don't because I know petroglyphs is just a fancy science word for graffiti.
6/3/13
#8 - I think we can all agree that the only thing really standing between us and getting a face tattoo is the proper incentive. And the proposition of being given a comfortable life on STJ void of any expenses or worries for the rest of our days in exchange for said face tat sounds like a no brainer. But what kind of tattoo would you adorn your face with? Sure, you could go with some obscure tribal marking like Mike Tyson. Or get "SPF 50" inked backwards on your face to remind you to put on sunscreen every morning when you looked in the mirror. But I think I'm going with a geographical outline of the island filled in with a brownish-pink hue. That way if I put on a few more pounds thanks to the stress-free lifestyle I'd just been afforded, people would just say, "wow, that guy has a really interesting birthmark on his face."
6/4/13
# 7 - You want to know what's really absurd? The 5pm Customs' curfew when you're returning from the BVI's. What's up with that? It's not like they close STJ or the rest of the BVIs. They're not amusement parks...or are they? Anyway, I'm pretty sure I'm just as much of an American at 5:01pm as I am at 4:59pm. So if I'm elected "Govna" for the day, besides passing a law that makes it legal and mandatory to rub anyone's tummy who doesn't say "good morning/afternoon/evening" when greeting you, I'm also extending the hours of operations over at Customs and adding a drive-thru lane for boats. You know maybe Customs can have one of those menu boards out at the end of dock with the squawk box and you can order like a #3 that includes a stamp in your passport and a jumbo sized order of fries because who isn't friggin' starving for anything deep fried after a day out on the water? Oh, just a tip though, I'd ask the Drive-Thru Customs Agent to hold the body cavity search that usually comes standard with the #3.
6/5/13
#6 - If I could be any animal on STJ there's no question that I'm going with the winnebago of the animal world, the Hermit Crab. Depending on your tolerance for vertical ascents, you can live up high on a hill with a down island view or tuck your pincher in and just roll all the way down to some beachfront property. Plus, you could probably pocket some sweet crawling-around-money on the Hermit Crab Racing Circuit. If "rubbing is racing," I can't think of a better gastropod suited for MISS LUCY'S SUNDAY-SUNDAY-SUNDAY BRUNCH & HERMIT CRAB DEMOLITION DERBY!!!!...or if you're more into cross country racing, you could always participate in the charity race, 8 Tough Meters.
6/6/13
#5 - The ability to hold your breath indefinitely while snorkeling sounds nice. Unlimited patience at restaurants during high season could come in handy. And who wouldn't want to be able to snap their fingers and make any hour happy hour at Woody's? But while taking my morning constitutional today, it occurred to me that the STJ superpower that I covet most would be the ability to poop sand like the parrot fish. Besides being a cool party trick, I figure I'd be a real hit at sandcastle building competitions and I could sport a STJ Superhero name like, "The Beachmaker" or "Sand Blaster" or even "Deuce Maho," which could also double as a cool STJ porn star name.
6/7/13
#4 Assuming it pays well enough to afford a good living on STJ, I think the STJ job I'd most want would be: Lion Fish Interrogator. I could roam the Rock every day just waiting for my CB radio to crackle, "Car 54b, where are you? We have a 187 in progress, suspect: adult male lion fish, Salt Pond." And I would be like, "roger that, I'm in hot pursuit." Once I located the offending party, with the help of the cork and washer locator that a concerned citizen dropped, I'd point my lobster lasso at the perp and be like, "don't move a fin or I'll turn you in to fried whale plankton faster than you can say first degree sashimi." And If I couldn't get the little serial fish killer to confess with questions like, "what's a guy like you doing in a school (of fish) zone" and "why does your breath smell like blue tang," I just might have to resort to, yes, torture. Unfortunately, I don't think waterboarding a lion fish would work...that's why I always carry a surf board. Hey lion fish, it's boogie time.
6/8/13
#3 There's a box with a button at the Beach Bar. If you push it, two things can happen and everyone will know that you pushed it. There's a 90% the result of pushing the button will be good and a 10% chance it will be bad. There are also two yellow t-shirts hanging next to this box. The first one contains the words in big black type: "I PUSHED THE BUTTON AND WON FREE PAINKILLERS FOR ALL." Unfortunately I'm currently wearing the second t-shirt that reads: "I PUSHED THE BUTTON AND CAUSED THE POWER OUTAGE." Whoops, my bad...perhaps the bar is not the best place to host this box.
6/9/13
#2 "We regret to inform you that the boiler on the USS Norway exploded this morning and your cruise has been cancelled," said the cruise liaison in the baggage claim area at the Miami airport at 8am on a June Sunday, just two hours before we were to embark on a weeklong cruise. After the mother of all dock blocks, my wife and I and 3 other twenty-somethings couples somehow remained calm and arranged to book flights from Miami to St. Thomas and rent a last second villa, Inn Paradise, on STJ for the week. And as absurd as it sounds, this would be the day I would choose to be my Groundhog Day - a day that repeats over and over as you learn all the important life lessons. Though that day started off about as bad as it possibly could have and I had to go through feeling like someone was punching me in the gut for about five hours, I ended up discovering St. John because of it and learned so many good lessons about staying positive and open minded. I will never forget that first time I saw the view from our villa. I couldn't believe I was actually there or that there were places this beautiful on Earth.
6/10/13
#1 If there was no St. John...well now that's just too absurd to dignify with a response.
STJ, soon come.
6/11/13 - TRAVEL DAY!!!
