USVI-On-Line

Okay, this is really out there, as a query to all forum folks.

My question is this: When did you come to terms with liking/respecting your parent(s)...if ever? When did you appreciate (if ever) all of their efforts to raise you? And, did you ever face them and tell them of your disappointment or appreciation for how you were raised?

If my Dad were still here, I would give the man a hug and thank him for the way that he raised me. Then I would introduce him to my son and daughter. I couldn't imagine even having the thought of confronting them on their parenting techniques. I thank my mom for all she has done for me all the time.

I had an amazing childhood. Wouldn't change a second of it.

Having children of my own has really underscored all of the above for me. Love my parents.

I gave my parents a pretty rough time in high school. Quite hateful, had a wild boyfriend, got in some minor trouble, drinking, pot, etc....- all while getting straight A's.

I pretty much did not communicate with them during high school and then went off to college. After about a week (and seeing what the world had to offer and what a great college I was lucky enough to be able to attend) I started to develop a new respect for them.

Our relationship was forever changed at that point-but I didn't really express my appreciation until I was a parent and really "got it". I think they knew before that--just based on my new attitude towards them and my successes--but it took being a parent and telling my child I loved them to finally address my parents and to apologize what I put them through.

We have a great relationship now.

We are not big talkers in my family...I know that is hard to believe. We don't discuss feelings, we just let it go if we are angry or some harbor resentment but that is their own issue.

My parents made a million mistakes raising us, but I always had a home, food, and clothing. I was embarassed that we weren't rich and mortified that my mother worked in a restaurant. I hated the fact that my dad would get up in the middle of the night to go fix a friend's furnance on a snowy winter night and then tell everyone in school about it the next night. I was bitter that I could not afford to go to the college that I wanted because even with student loans and grants we could not make it work.
Did I ever say anything? Hell no! Maybe I was repressed in voicing my feelings, but I also respected them enough to know that they were doing the best that they could for us.

When I moved out on my own and became an adult, I realized that they are good, loving, hard working people that busted their asses every minute for us.
They live a mile away from me and I think it is too far. I would have them next door and they know it. If the phone rings and they need help, I am in the car before they can say please. I have lunch with them every Saturday and they are the first people to get an invite for our parties.

I don't ever say it, because we are not talkers, but they know that I (and even Chip now) love and respect them and that they are probably the people we would choose to hang out with on any given day.

I don't really know how or when it happens, but I think that the fact that they never apologized for anything. They didn't have to in my book

It happened somewhat at age 20. But when I really appreciated and respected my parents was after the birth of my first child. I didn't tell much or talk to them much as a teen, but now I feel that I could tell my mom just about anything

For me, it wasn't until I was an adult. My parents both died ten years ago (at 54 and 57)and I was SO happy that I came to a point myself when I realized that right or wrong they did the best they could while raising my siblings and me. I don't know that I came out and actually said to them "it's all good", but I think through my actions toward them and the way I began raising my own children showed them love and respect for everything they did for me. I still miss them so much, even all these years later, and although people say actions speak louder than words I wish I would have said the darn words. I think they would have been happy to hear them.

Since my Dad died When I was 9 I only have a few memories, but I knew that he adored me. I only knew him being sick, but I remember that I was always with him.

My Mom never worked, drove or anything. She was your typical 50's housewife. She had to get a job, learn to drive, take care of us 3 kids and make sure that we went to the same school and grew up in the same house we were use to. She did it all!

She still would do ANYTHING for us. She's the kind of Mom that throw money at you and says "Take it!". We actually get into fights about that, but it turns into hysterical laughter. I always tell her "Mom, I don't need your money!".

My Mom is 86 now and is slowly failing, but I've always respected her and I always will.

I think I always respected my parents I was the good kid.LOL I'm still the one who gets the call when some thing is wrong. I like being there for them. Now my 24 year old son just told me 2 weeks ago how sorry he was for making our lifes misrable while he was growing up. I think he has turned the corner to becoming a man.

Mrs. Pete: do you want to share why you are asking??

I have perfect parents. I went to a lutheran school until 8th grade and was a an easy kid. I wouldn't even say ohmygod--no drinking, smoking, pot, boys, and good grades. Then I went to a public school and got "educated". I was the oldest girl and my Dad had a really hard time with that. He would ground me for looking at him--literally--more than once. We went round and round. I didn't understand at the time what he was going through. I was never a bad kid.

I really started to understand him when I went to college. I still think he was wrong but I know where he was coming from. I became almost dependent on my parents again when I had my boys. I called for advice, sharing stories, etc. almost daily. I am normally very independent and always have been.

I respect them so much. We laugh about the "remember whens" a lot. I can't wait to hear what MY KIDS remember. And I think it will be shocking to hear what they got by with and I didn't have a clue about.

GG

My relationship with my parents changed when we both learned to let go of each other. They realized that they could not control me, and I realized that they were just trying to help and protect me. I started causing stress and grief at a very young age, but they overeacted too. We had a pretty bad relationship and there were lots of mistakes on both sides.

Once we all forgave each other--which happened when I was around 19 or 20--we formed a new understanding--more as friends than as parent-child. I think having John around helped cement that new style of relationship. Anyway, we get along great now--live in the same town, have dinner together almost every Sunday, even take vacations together sometimes. My Mom and I always say that we got all the stress and conflict of out of our relationship early, so we could spend the rest of our lives being friends.

I, too, am curious...are you asking because you are thinking of your relationship with your parents, or with your children?

I pretty much remember always getting along with my dad, who could be very strict about somethings and very laid back about others. He is/was rather unconventional so the typcial teen stuff simply was not important to him.

My mom was super uptight. We didn't really get along until I was in college and even then, I was a constant disappointment for not getting straight As.

After college and moving in with my (now) husband, I finally clicked with my mom.

My dad died when I was 17 and we were still "at war". I regret that, but it was normal. Now that I'm older, I realize how much like him I am, and I embrace that.

My mom died when I was 21. I think I may have told her how much I appreciated her "mom-ness", but probably not. I hope my actions spoke the words I didn't.

I only came to terms with the way they raised me in about my 30's I guess. I think they did a pretty fine job!

My mom raised my brother and I alone from the time he was 7 and I was 3.5. Having a strong, single woman as a parent definitely influenced the person I became. I can always remember just trying to make her life easier. I knew she had enough stress and it never occured to me to give her more. Well, maybe except 10th grade!

I can never remember a time I did not have respect for my mother. She was/is incredibly loving and generous but also very tough. She insisted on respect. I can remember her little 5'2 self getting up on the couch so that she was eye to eye with my 6'3 brother during one particularly heated discussion. I can't remember what it was about but I do remember she was afraid of noone and nothing.

She was a stay at home mom who would have spent her life as such if not for my father leaving. After he left she had to step up. I always knew to the core of my being that everything she did was for us.

She was very involved/interested in us without being a helicopter parent and I try my DAMNDEST to follow her example with my kids.

We chose our own paths and she was just always very supportive. She was not the mom who said "you have to sign up for soccer." She was more the mom who, when I noticed/whined that there wasn't a girl's youth basketball league, cut out the sign up form for the boy's league from the local yokel paper and left it on the kitchen table for me to fill out. For 2 years I played in the boys league. The first year I was the ONLY girl. The next year there were about 10 of us. The following year we had our own league.

My husband had a very respectful but distant relationship with his parents. He's a 1st generation kid. Having fled Vietnam, his parents were focused on surviving and rebuilding their lives not so much his "feelings" or activities. If he had food and shelter he should consider himself lucky, kind of thinking. He is a very resilient guy and not at all resentful. He was more so as a kid, but he gets it now looking back. They VERY MUCH wanted him to be a doctor and I knew him when he hit his turning point in college, around 2nd year, he realized he was his own person and had to do what made him happy. He stood up for himself and they started to see him as a man, not a boy, and ever since they had much better relationship. I was glad this happened before his dad got sick and died shortly after we finished college.

My mom is probably my best friend aside from my husband. It is hard for me to imagine life without her. Though like any good mother, she can drive me absolutely mad!

I don't view them as my "parents". I have a mom and I have a dad. My parents have been divorced since I was in the 6th grade.

I do not speak with my father. I don't think any of you want the details. I tried to have a relationship with him as a child, a teenager, a college kid. As an adult, I was able to make the decision that he was not a nice man and I no longer had to support that relationship. Just because he was my biological father does not mean that he has to be my dad for the rest of my life. Mean people suck.

I think it was in my mid-twenties when I was finally single and living on my own that I really started to appreciate all the life tools that my mother (and stepfather) had taught me. Here's a little bit about my mom-

She raised us right enough to know when having "fun" crossed a line and if the cops were going to be involved then I shouldn't be .

She never batted an eye when I sprayed enough hairspray on my hair to single handedly make a hole in the ozone layer. Or when I shaved one side of my head, dyed my bangs pink AND purple then pierced one ear 6 times all while wearing a studded dog collar. She even approved of my protesting, rabble-rousing and sign-holding. If I was getting good grades and being respectful, I could look however I wanted to and went through many phases & trends in high school. I've thanked her for this.

Mind you- she was not a push-over. We knew right vs. wrong in the behavior department. Spanking was still OK back then but my mom's best weapon was her "angry" voice. Yikes.

She made sure that we knew how to do laundry, fill and empty the dishwasher and do our chores. Me & my brothers all worked from a young age- tree farm, paper route, etc, etc and have worked ever since. I took loans for college and paid my bills. Nothing was handed to us and we never expected it to be. I've thanked her for this many times!!

I see kids these days- expecting their parents to pay for everything, disrespecting their elders, not taking on any responsibilities like chores or part-time jobs becasue it stresses them out- what!?... not good foundation building in my opinion.

We are still very close. I speak with her every other day, see her often. We have a lot of laughs!
She has allowed me to find my way, choose the path that is right for me and because of this & the foundation she built for me as a child, I have become independent, strong and able to stand on my own, form my own opinions and never feel bad about voicing them.

I guess this was an ode to my mom. Sorry for the rant but thank you for making me think about this stuff....

Hmmm....(opens every bottle of booze in the house...chugs)
I'm ready now.

Come to terms. Depends on what terms...because I think I'm still getting there.

highschool, while not rough by any standards, was less than fun. I was raised with a lot of boundaries...ones I never considered crossing, but everything was "You can't do this or you can't do that". So...I rebelled. Nothing major...just had a girlfriend and had some sex with her.

College...despite having money, they told me I "had" to go to Rutgers (state school). Mind you, I was coming off of 8 years of $20,000+ per year private school. So...they were paying for college, but I'd been spoiled and wanted the same opportunities as my friends.

Yes...I sound like an ass so far, and I admit as much. I was 18, spoiled and lived a life among the very privileged. I wanted my piece of the pie and was "denied" it.

But...everything for a reason...and the decision to send me to RU kept me from a smaller school. That kept me off a D3 swim team in college. That led me to my summer job in 1992. that led me to "her". so...all is well.

Fast forward to 2004. My mother-in-law (who I had developed a wonderful relationship with) was dying. Times were not good for us. at the same time, my parents decided to separate. My mother called me and said that ever since I was born, she had never been happy and that I had caused all the problems they had for the 30+ previous years.

Thanks Mom.

I told her what she could do to herself and where exactly she could do it.

We moved to NC. Everybody knows why we really moved.

2005: 3 weeks after we move...they decide to separate again. In 2004, they decided that they could afford to divorce each other and lie the lives they were used to. I told the both of them that after 2004, there was nothing that they could ever do to hurt me again. I was done with them and no longer cared what they did as a married couple. (As an aside...she told my wife that because she was adopted (my wife) that she'd never really know what it was like to have a mother and that when her mother died, it really didn't count)

Pick your jaws up please.

2007: They moved to NC.

Have we come to terms? I don't know. My mother and I know that we both have a lot of rage towards each other. My brother and I have finally found something in common. My parents still detest each other, but stay married and 7 miles up the road.

Have I come to terms with the fact that they're a large part of not only my life, but the lives of my 2 children? I guess so. Do they both make me utterly insane with their bickering and fighting and desire to put me and my brother in the middle? Yup.

Is there any Italian out there without rage issues towards his mother? Nope.

Will I accept a transfer should my company offer me one. Yup.

come to terms? We all made mistakes. My father and I are at peace. (common enemy thing again). But when you consider that we did not speak for nearly 2 years and actually came to blows one night at the table, we've come a long way. Both he and I have reconciled and admitted that we both behaved like asses.

My mother and I? Not yet. There needs to be another airing of grievances. But...it's not the time. there are other, financial, factors at play.

But...like a volcano...it simmers away.