USVI-On-Line

Thank you, Shoe. Good stuff!!

thankyou for May 9......

more reruns

Bill and Sam, two elderly friends, met in the
park every day to feed the pigeons,
watch the squirrels and discuss world problems.

One day Bill didn't show up. Sam wasn't concerned; he thought Bill might
have a cold or some urgent appointment. But after Bill hadn't
shown up for a week or so, Sam really got worried. However,
since Sam didn't know where Bill lived (the only time they
ever got together was at the park) he was unable to find out
what had happened to him.
After a month had passed, Sam figured he had seen the last of Bill. On his next
visit to the park, however, Bill was sitting on their usual bench waiting for him.

Amazed and delighted, Sam exclaimed,
''For crying out loud Bill, what in the world happened to
you?''

Bill replied, ''I've been in jail.'


''Jail?'' cried Sam. ''You?! What on earth for?''

''Well,'' Bill said, ''you know Sue , that cute little blonde
waitress at the coffee shop where I sometimes go?''

''Yes,'' said Sam, ''I remember her. What about her?''

''Well, one day she filed rape charges against me.
At age 89, I was so proud that when I got into court, I pleaded ''guilty.''

''Then the judge gave me 30 days for perjury.''

YOU KNOW YOU'RE FROM MASSACHUSETTS IF:


You think if someone is nice to you they either want something or they are from out of town

The public transportation system is known as the "T" and you'd rather drive in
bumper to bumper traffic for 4 hours to get to Boston than be caught dead on the "Orange Line"

You could own a small town in Iowa for the cost of your house

There are 24 Dunkin Donuts shops within 15 minutes of your house and that
is how you give directions

If you stay on the same road long enough it eventually has three different names

53 degrees is "on the warm side"

You've walked to Brigham's for an ice cream cone "to go" in the snow

You cringe every time you hear some actor/actress imitate the"Boston Accent" on TV

You call chocolate sprinkles "jimmies"

A water fountain is called a bubbler. Say it " bubbla".

You can go from one side of town to the other in less than fifteen minutes

You know how to pronounce towns like Worcester, Haverhill, Peabody,
Scituate, Chatham, and Leominster

You know what they sell at a "packie"

You keep an ice scraper in your car all year round

Paranoia sets in when you can't see a Dunkin Donuts, ATM or CVS

You've pulled out of a side street and used your car
to block oncoming traffic so you can make a left

You've bragged about saving money at The Christmas Tree Shop

You know what a "regular coffee" is!

You can navigate a rotary without a problem

You use the words "wicked" "pissa" and "good" in the same sentence

You know what a frappe is

Saint Patrick's Day is your second favorite holiday

You drink tonic and would never consider using it on your hair

You never say "Cape Cod" you say "The Cape"

You went to Old Sturbridge Village and Plymouth Plantation at least once,
in elementary school, but never to Bunker Hill

You know the Mass Pike and 495 create some sort of strange weather dividing line

Murder at Wal-Mart

So, here's the story:

Tired of constantly being broke and stuck in an unhappy marriage, a young husband decided to solve both problems by taking out a large insurance policy on his wife with himself as the beneficiary, and then arranging to have her killed.

A 'friend of a friend' put him in touch with a nefarious dark-side underworld figure who went by the name of 'Artie'. Artie then explained to the husband that his going price for snuffing out a spouse was $5,000.

The husband said he was willing to pay that amount, but that he wouldn't have any cash on hand until he could collect his wife's insurance money.

Artie insisted on being paid at least something up front, so the man opened his wallet, displaying the single dollar bill that rested inside. Artie sighed, rolled his eyes and reluctantly agreed to accept the dollar as down payment for the dirty deed.

A few days later, Artie followed the man's wife to the local Super Wal-Mart store. There, he surprised her in the produce department and proceeded to strangle her with his gloved hands and as the poor unsuspecting woman drew her last breath and slumped to the floor.

The manager of the produce department stumbled unexpectedly onto the murder scene.. Unwilling to leave any living witnesses behind, ol' Artie had no choice but to strangle the produce manager as well.

However, unknow n to Artie, the entire proceedings were captured by the hidden security cameras and observed by the store's security guard, who immediately called the police. Artie was caught and arrested before he could even leave the store.

Under intense questioning at the police station, Artie revealed the whole sordid plan, including his unusual financial arrangements with the hapless husband who was also quickly arrested.


The next day in the newspaper, the headline declared ...







" ARTIE CHOKES 2 for $1.00 AT WAL-MART! "

and for my dirty joke for the week


Snagit Capture by SHOEMAK38, on Flickr

More repeats from May 2010

A man was walking down the street wh! en he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner.
The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"
"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.
"Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?" the man asked.
"No, I don't waste time fishing," the homeless man said. "I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive."
"Will you spend this on greens fees at! a golf course instead of food?" the man asked.
"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't played golf in 20 years!"
"Will you spend the money on a woman in the red light district instead of food?" the man asked.
"What disease would I get for ten lousy bucks?" exclaimed the homeless man.
"Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."
The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm d! irty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting."
The man replied, "That's okay. It's important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up beer, fishing, golf, and sex."



RAISING BOYS


a) For those with no children - this is totally hysterical!

b) For those who already have children past this age, this is hilarious.

c) For those who have children this age, this is not funny.

d) For those who have children nearing this age, this is a warning.

e) For those who have not yet had children, this is birth control. The following came from an anonymous Mother in Austin, Texas...

Things I've learned from my Boys (honest and not kidding):


1). A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. ft. house 4 inches deep.
2.) If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.

3.) A 3-year old Boy's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.
4.) If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound Boy wearing Batman underwear and a Superman cape. It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20 x 20 ft. room.
5.) You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When using a ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.
6.) The glass in windows (even double-pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.

7.) Do Not Touch means TOUCH lightly.
8.) Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.
9.) A six-year old Boy can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36-year old Man says they can only do it in the movies.
10.) Certain Lego's will pass through the digestive tract of a 4-year old Boy.
11.) Play dough and microwave should not be used in the same sentence.
12.) Super glue is forever.
13.) No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water.
14.) Pool filters do not like Jell-O.
15.) VCR's do not eject "PB & J" sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.
16.) Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.
17.) Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.
18.) You probably DO NOT want to know what that odor is.
19..) Always look in the oven before you turn it on; plastic toys do not like ovens.
20.) The fire department in Austin, TX has a 5-minute response time.
21.) The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy.
22.) It will, however, make cats dizzy.
23.) Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.
24.) 80% of Men who read this will try mixing the Clorox and brake fluid.
25.) Women will pass this on to almost all of their friends, with or without kids.



THE BOTTLE OF WINE


Sally was driving home from one of her business trips in Northern Arizona when she saw an elderly Navajo woman walking on the side of the road. As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped the car and asked the Navajo woman if she would like a ride. With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got into the car.

Resuming the journey, Sally tried in vain to make a bit of small talk with the Navajo woman. The old woman just sat silently, looking intently at everything she saw, studying every little detail, until she noticed a brown bag on the seat
next to Sally. "What in bag?" asked the old woman.
Sally looked down at the brown bag and said: "It's a bottle of wine. I got it for my husband." The Navajo woman was silent for another moment or two. Then,
speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, she said:

"Good trade."



Top Ten Country Western Songs.

10. I Hate Every Bone In Her Body But Mine
9. I Ain't Never Gone To Bed With an Ugly Woman But I Woke Up With A Few
8. If The Phone Don't Ring, You'll Know It's Me
7. I've Missed You, But My Aim's Improvin'
6. Wouldn't Take Her To A Dogfight 'Cause I'm Scared She'd Win
5. I'm So Miserable Without You It's Like You're Still Here
4. My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend And I Miss Him
3. She Took My Ring and Gave Me the Finger
2. She's Lookin' Better with Every Beer
And the Number One Country & Western song is....
1. It's Hard To Kiss The Lips At Night That Chewed My Ass All Day

more repeats
I Fish On Fridays

A husband and wife came for counseling after 20 years of marriage. When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 20 years they had been married.

She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured over the course of their marriage.

Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and, after asking the wife to stand, embraced and kissed her passionately as her husband watched with a raised eyebrow. The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze.

The therapist turned to the husband and said, 'This is what your wife n needs at least three times a week. Can you do this?'

The husband thought for a moment and replied, 'Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I fish.'


If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.

(Hardly seems worth it.)



If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.

(Now that's more like it!)



The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet.

(O.M.G.!)



A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes.

(In my next life, I want to be a pig.)



A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death! (Creepy)

(I'm still not over the pig.)



Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories a hour

(Don't try this at home, maybe at work)



The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off.

("Honey, I'm home. What the....?!")



The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field.

(30 minutes..lucky pig! Can you imagine?)



The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.

(What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)



Some lions mate over 50 times a day.

(I still want to be a pig in my next life...quality over quantity)



Butterflies taste with their feet.

(Something I always wanted to know.)



The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.

(Hmmmmmm......)



Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people.

(If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)



Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump.

(okay, so that would be a good thing)



A cat's urine glows under a black light.

(I wonder who was paid to figure that out?)



An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.

(I know some people like that.)



Starfish have no brains.

(I know some people like that too.)



Polar bears are left-handed.

(If they switch, they'll live a lot longer)



Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.

(What about that pig??)

The Tax Office suspected a fishing boat owner wasn't paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent to investigate him.

Tax Office Auditor: "I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them".

Boat Owner: "Well, there's Clarence, my hired hand, he's been with me for 3 years. I pay him £200 a week plus free room and board. Then there's the mentally challenged guy. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of the work around here. He makes about £10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of scotch and a dozen Lagers every Saturday night so he can cope with life. He also gets to sleep with my wife occasionally".

Tax Office Auditor: "That's the guy I want to talk to - the mentally challenged one".

Boat Owner: "That'll be me. What'd you want to know"?

Credit to Temery@TTOL

Exit Zero wrote:The Tax Office suspected a fishing boat owner wasn't paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent to investigate him.

like

It's Father's Day this weekend sooooooooo


HOW TO HANDLE A HUSBAND!

A couple was celebrating their golden wedding anniversary on the beaches In Montego Bay, Jamaica.

Their domestic tranquility had long been the talk of the town.
People would say, 'What a peaceful & loving couple' The local newspaper
reporter was inquiring as to the secret of their long and happy marriage.

The Husband replied: 'Well, it dates back to our honeymoon in America ,'
explained the man.

'We visited the Grand Canyon, in Arizona and took a trip down to the bottom of the canyon by mule.

We hadn't gone too far when my wife's mule stumbled and she almost fell off.

My wife looked down at the mule and quietly said, 'That's once.'
We proceeded a little further and her mule stumbled again. Again my Wife quietly said, 'That's twice.'

We hadn't gone a half-mile when the mule stumbled for the third time. My wife quietly removed a revolver from her purse and shot the mule dead.

I SHOUTED at her, 'What's wrong with you, woman! Why did you shoot the poor animal like that, are you *%&#@$ crazy!?'

She looked at ME, and quietly said, 'That's once.'

And from that moment..... We have lived happily every after!

Husband Down

A husband and wife are shopping in their local Wal-Mart.

The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart.

'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife.
'They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans he replies.
'Put them back, we can't afford them demands the wife, and so they carry on shopping.

A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.
What do you think you're doing?' asks the husband.
'It’s my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,' replies the wife.
Her husband retorts: 'So does 24 cans of Budweiser and it's half the price.'
On the PA system: 'Cleanup on aisle 25, we have a husband down.'

More best of (sounds better than repeats)

Tomorrow is the official Slap Your Irritating St John forumites Holiday :

Do you have a St John forumite who talks nonstop about nothing, working your last nerve with tedious and boring details that you don't give a damn about? Do you have a St John forumite who ALWAYS screws up stuff creating MORE work for you? Do you have a St John forumite who kisses so much booty, you can look in their mouth and see what your boss had for lunch? Do you have a St John forumite who is SOOO obnoxious,when he/she enters a room, everyone else clears it? Well, on behalf of IkeTurner, I am so very very glad to officially announce tomorrow as SLAP YOUR IRRITATING ST JOHN FORUMITE DAY! There are the rules you must follow:

* You can only slap one person per hour - no more.
* You can slap the same person again if they irritate you again in the same day.
* You are allowed to hold someone down as other St John forumites take their turns slapping the irritant.
* No weapons are allowed...other than going upside somebody's head with a stapler or a hole-puncher.
* CURSING IS MANDATORY! After you have slapped the recipient, your"assaul! t" must be followed with something like "cause I'm sick of your stupid-a$$ always messing up stuff!"

* If questioned by a supervisor or police, (if the supervisor is the irritant), you are allowed to LIE, LIE, LIE! Now, study the rules, break out your list of folks that you want to slap the living day lights out of and get to slapping.....and have a GREAT DAY!

Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven. When they get there, St. Peter says, 'We only have one rule here in heaven: Don't step on the ducks!'

So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.

Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw. St. Peter chains them together and says, 'Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!'

The next day, the second woman steps accidentally on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing. With him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.

The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps. She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St.Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on.

St. Peter chains them together without saying a word. The happy woman says, 'I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?'

The guy says, 'I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck.'

Question:

What is the truest definition of Globalization?

Answer:

Princess Diana’s death.

Question:

Why?

Answer:

An English princess with an Egyptian boyfriend crashes in a French tunnel, driving a German car with a Dutch engine, driven by a Belgian who was drunk on Scottish whiskey,

followed closely by Italian paparazzi on Japanese motorcycles;

treated by an American doctor, using Brazilian medicines.

This is sent to you by an American, using Bill Gate’s technology and you are probably reading this on your computer, that uses Taiwanese chips and a Korean monitor, assembled by Bangladeshi workers in a Singapore plant; transported by Indian lorry-drivers, hijacked by Indonesians, unloaded by Sicilian longshoremen and trucked to you by illegal Mexican workers…

And that is what Globalization is

Frozen Crabs

A lawyer boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of frozen crabs and asked a blonde flight attendant to take care of them for him.

She took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator. He advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for them staying frozen, mentioning in a very haughty manner that he was a lawyer, and proceeded to rant at her about what
would happen if she let them thaw out.

Needless to say, she was annoyed by his behavior. Shortly before landing in New York, she used the intercom to announce to the entire cabin, "Would the lawyer who gave me the crabs in New Orleans please raise your hand."

Not one hand went up .... so she took them home and ate them.

Two lessons here:

1. Lawyers aren't as smart as they think they are.
2. Blondes aren't as dumb as some folk think.





Sharing signs


Friends don't let friends
Take home ugly men
Woman's restroom

Beauty is only a light switch away.
Perkins Library, Duke University , Durham , NC

No matter how good she looks,
Some other guy is sick and tired
Of putting up with her

Make love, not war.
Hell, do both
GET MARRIED!

Express Lane:
Five beers or less
Sign over one of the urinals

You're too good for him..
Sign over mirror in Women's restroom

No wonder you always go home alone.
Sign over mirror in Men's restroom,



ROMANCE MATHEMATICS

Smart man + smart woman = romance

Smart man + dumb woman = affair

Dumb man + smart woman = marriage

Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy

______________________________
SHOPPING MATH

A man will pay $20 for a $10 item he needs.
A woman will pay $10 for a $20 item that she doesn't need.

_____________________________

_____________________
HAPPINESS

To be happy with a man, you must understand
him a lot and love him a little.

To be happy with a woman,
you must love her a lot and
not try to understand her at all.

______________________________

LONGEVITY

Married men live longer than single men do,
but married men are a lot more willing to die...
______________________________

PROPENSITY TO CHANGE

A woman marries a man expecting he will change,
but he doesn't.

A man marries a woman expecting
that she won't change, and she does.
_____________________________

DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE

A woman has the last word in any argument.

Anything a man says after that is the
beginning of a new argument.

_____________________________
HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING
YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED

Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me
in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next."
They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals

hope everyone has a great July 4th

You think English is easy???

1) The bandage was wound around the wound.

2) The farm was used to produce produce.

3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.

4) We must polish the Polish furniture.

5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.

6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.

7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.

A bass was painted on the head of the bassdrum.

9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.

10) I did not object to the object.

11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.

12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.

13) They were too close to the door to close it.

14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.

15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into asewer line.

16) To help with planting, the farmer taught hissow to sow.

17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail.

18) Upon seeing the tear in the painting, I shed a tear.

19) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.

20) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?

Let's face it - English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant, nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France. Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat. We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.

And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth, beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese? One index, 2 indices?
Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend? If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?

If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught?
If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?
Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane.
In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital?
Ship by truck and send cargo by ship?
Have noses that run and feet that smell?
How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites?
You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out and in which, an alarm goes off by going on.

English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race, which, of course, is not a race at all. That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible.


PS. - Why doesn't 'Buick' rhyme with 'quick' ?


You lovers of the English language might enjoy this .

There is a two-letter word that perhaps has more meanings than any other
two-letter word, and that is 'UP.'

It's easy to understand UP , meaning toward the sky or at the top of the list, but when we awaken in the morning, why do we wake UP ? At a meeting, why does a topic come UP ? Why do we speak UP and why are the officers UP for election and why is it UP to the secretary to write UP a report ?

We call UP our friends. And we use it to brighten UP a room, polish UP the silver; we warm UP the leftovers and clean UP the kitchen. We lock UP the house and some guys fix UP the old car.. At other times the little word has real special meaning. People stir UP trouble, line UP for tickets, work UP an appetite, and think UPexcuses. To be dressed is one thing, but to be dressed UP is special.

And this UP is confusing: A drain must be opened UP because it is stopped UP. We open UP a store in the morning but we close itUP at night.

We seem to be pretty mixed UP about UP ! To be knowledgeable about the proper uses of UP, look the word UP in the dictionary. In a desk-sized dictionary, it takes UP almost 1/4th of the page and can add UP to about thirty definitions. If you are UP to it, you might try building UP a list of the many ways UP is used. It will take UP a lot of your time, but if you don't give UP, you may wind UP with a hundred or more. When it threatens to rain, we say it is cloudingUP. When the sun comes out we say it is clearing UP .....

When it rains, it wets the earth and often messes things UP.

When it doesn't rain for awhile, things dry UP..

One could go on and on, but I'll wrap it UP, for now my time is UP , so......it is time to shut UP !

Oh . . . one more thing:


What is the first thing you do in the morning & the last thing you
do at night? U-P

I'm on vacation soooooooooooooooooooooooo

THE 5 ANSWERS WE HAVE ALL BEEN WAITING FOR!

Q: WHAT IS AN AUSTRALIAN KISS?
A: It's the same as a French kiss, but 'down under . '

Q: WHAT DO YOU DO WITH 365 USED CONDOMS?
A: Melt them down, make a tire, and call it a Goodyear.

Q: WHY WERE HURRICANES NORMALLY NAMED AFTER WOMEN?
A: Because when they come, they're wet and wild, and when they go, they take your house and car with them.

Q: WHY DO GIRLS RUB THEIR EYES WHEN THEY GET UP IN THE MORNING?
A: Because they don't have any balls to scratch...


BONUS QUESTIONS & ANSWERS

Q: What is a man's Ultimate embarrassment?
A: Running into a wall with an erection and breaking his nose .


Nominated as the world's best short joke.

A 3-year-old boy examined his testicles while taking a bath. 'Mum', he asked, 'Are these my brains?'
'Not yet,' she replied.