USVI-On-Line

Q. How is playing a bagpipe like throwing a javelin blindfolded?
A. You don't have to be very good to get people's attention.

Q. What do you call someone who hangs around with musicians?
A. A bagpiper.

Q. What's the difference between a dead bagpiper in the road and a dead country singer in the road?
A. The country singer may have been on the way to a recording session.

Q. How can you tell if a bagpipe is out of tune?
A. Someone is blowing into it.

Q. What do you call bagpiper with half a brain?
A. Gifted.

Q. What's the difference between a bagpipe and an onion?
A. No one cries when you chop up a bagpipe.


A man goes into a bar with his pet octopus and says "I'll bet $50 that no one here has a musical instrument that this octopus CAN'T play' The people in the bar look around, and someone fetches out an old guitar. The octopus has a look, picks it up, tunes the string, and starts playing the guitar.The octopus' owner pockets the $50 Next, a guy comes up with a trumpet. The octopus takes the horn, loosens up the keys, licks it's lips and starts playing a jazz solo. The guy pockets yet another $50. The bar owner has been watching all of this and disappears to the back. He comes back a few moments later with a set of bagpipes under his arm. He puts them on the bar and says to the guy and his octopus, ' Now, if your octopus can play THAT, I'll give you $100. The octopus takes a long hard look at the bagpipes, lifts it up, turns it over, has yet another look from a different angle. Puzzled, the octopus' owner comes over and says 'What are you waitin for? Hurry up and play that damn thing! The octopus says, 'Play it? Hell if I can work out how to get it's pajamas off, I'm gonna screw it!
The Piper of This House
shall be addressed as: piper piper, pipe major, pipee, etc., never as old leather lungs, haggis or stupid.
will not tolerate whining children and nagging during periods of physical or mental practice.
will have meals served promptly. He will be served first (in bed, upon request).
shall have bath water drawn to proper temperature with sufficient, prior time to heat bathroom.
insists that teenagers and bellowing "!?" limit telephone conversations to 3 minutes. At other times telephone must be left off hook. Telephone ringing during piping periods will not be allowed.
will not allow clothes washing, lawn mowing, child thwacking and loud talking during piping sessions.
will only permit television viewing when pipes or changer are not being played.
will not be responsible for minor chores such as plumbing, lawn mowing, painting, housework, chauffeuring, gardening, wood chopping, etc., or any other act which may damage the fingers.
must have top priority re: purchases of reeds, books, new bags, bag dressing and other items of equipment in apparel. All other financial matters are of secondary consideration.
extends an invitation to all other pipers at any time. However if he asks them to play he doesn't really mean it.
will resist by any means the bringing into the house of toy drums, trumpets, whistles, kazoos, or any other such rubbish by well-meaning relatives and friends.
dos not necessarily take responsibility for the views expressed above.

As a guy walks through a forest, a fairy suddenly appears and offers him a free wish. He removes a pocket atlas and points towards different countries: "Here is suffering, there, hunger, and over there people are tortured. I want all people to be free and healthy. Can you do that?" The fairy sighs and says: "Well, this is very difficult, even for me. Is there a chance that you can come up with another wish instead that would make it a little easier?" The guy answers: "As a matter of fact, there is. You see, I play the bagpipes, and have such a difficult time with the embellishments. Do you think you could...".
"OK - let's look at that atlas one more time".
So anyway, there's this piper who's never made the money he wanted, that's piping. He gets run over by a bus and due to his unruly life, goes to Hell. He's standing at the iron gates when a bellowing voice calls out, "A piper are we? Go to corridor C, door 78!". So on he goes, pipes in hand. As he walks down the corridor he's struck dumb by this absolutely amazing pipe music. He follows the sound until he finally comes to the source of the sound. He can't believe his luck when he opens the door, all the great pipers are here. One looks over at him and says, "Join us". He starts piping, dumb-founded with his luck. If this was Hell, then he'd happy spending eternity here. Just then the door opens and in walks in Satan himself: "'Right lads!, Break time over! Take your places.....A-one-two-three-four, 'Left a good job in the city...'".

Three Myths Dispelled

Myth 1: It takes hard work and talent to play the bagpipes.
Fact: The only talent most pipers have is for avoiding work.

Myth 2: You can make fairly decent money playing the bagpipes.
Fact: People will pay you much better money to stop.

Myth 3: Your bagpipes will make you friends wherever you go.
Fact: This is true if you never go anywhere.

A fellow enters a pub in Belfast with a plastic bag under his arms.
The bartender asks him, "What might that be you're carrying?"
"About twelve pounds of semtex", replies the fellow.
"Glory Be! I t'ought it was bagpipes!"
A clan chief regularly employed a local piper to play during his elaborate suppers. On one such occasion the piper, Hamish, was overlooked as to his usual dram before commencing play. To revenge the chief, the piper provided a bad example of his art. This caused the chief to rebuke Hamish harshly, and demand explanation.
"The pipes play verra, verra hard this evening", explained Hamish.
"Tell me what shall soften them?" queried the chief.
"Och, whusky. Only whusky shall help sir".
With a perfunctory wave of the hand, a servant was quickly sent for a glass of the aforementioned spirits which Hamish hastily downed his throat.
The chief was infuriated. "Hamish! You scoundrel! Did you not say it was for the bagpipes?"
"Aye sir. But these pipes are most peculiar. They prefer the whusky to be blawed in."
It seems that a pipe band on its way to a competition got lost, and after many fruitless hours of searching down dirt roads in the dark, they came upon a farm house, and decided to ask to spend the night there. The farmer told them he would be glad if they spent the night, but he said "I only have two spare rooms, some of you will have to stay in the barn. It's clean, dry, and warm, but I keep a cow and a pig in there." The band, after discussing it among themselves and tossing a coin, decided that the P/M would stay in one room, the drummers would stay in one room, and the pipers would stay in the barn. So they all went to bed.
A short while later, there was a knock on the door. It was the pipers. They said "There's a cow in there. He's mooing, urinating, defecating, passing gas, kicking the stall, and guys, we just can't do it. Besides, we hate cows." So the drummers said that they would stay in the barn, and they all went to bed.

A short while later, there was a knock on the door. It was the drummers. They said "There's a pig in there. He's oinking, urinating, defecating, passing gas, wallowing in the mud, and guys, we just can't do it. Besides, we hate pigs." So the P/M said "You guys aren't men enough to take it. I'll stay in the barn." So they all went to bed.

A short while later, there was a knock on the door. It was the cow and the pig.

A guy walks into a bar and announces "I have a great new bagpipe joke!" The bartender says "Let me stop you right there son. You see that karate black belt hanging up behind the bar? That's mine. And I play the pipes. See that ornery lookin' feller in the Harley t-shirt? That's my brother - and he plays the pipes. And that big ugly old guy in the corner with the big scar across his face? That's my Paw - and he’s a piper. Now, are you sure you wanna tell that joke in here?"
"Hell, no. Not if I'm gonna hafta explain it three times!"
It happened at a pub that a dear old lady from beyond the Tweed spied a Scottish piper, with his instrument of torture, and begged for a tune. For a solid hour the Highlander marched up down performing. "Dear me," said a nervous lady, "I suppose it's very fine, but it does sound a little like an air raid siren, doesn't it?"
"No madam," replied an exasperated pub patron, "it sounds like an air raid."
Picture pioneers pushing farther and farther into the Badlands of the American West with native Indians serving as scouts. As they kept the monotonous trek, they began to hear the rhythmic sound of beating drums in the direction they were headed. A few of the scouts traded nervous glances, however the lead scout convinced the explorers nothing was amiss. The following day the sound of drums became more emphatic, but the lead scout assured the nervous white men. On the third day, much to everyone's terror, the pounding drums became almost deafening. On some sort of unknown cue, the drums simultaneously ceased. The terrified scouts flung down their packs and fled into the wilderness. When the captain queried the lead scout he was told, "Never have fear as long as drums make sound. When drums stop, very bad sign: next come bagpipe solo".
Two girls are walking when they hear. "Psst! Look down here!" They both look to see a frog sitting beside the road.
The frog says, "Whoever kisses me first, I'll turn into a world class piper and make you rich and famous!"
The girls looked at each other, and one of them reached down and grabbed the frog and stuffed it in her pocket. The other girl asked, "Why did you do that?"
The first replied, "I'm no moron. A talking frog is worth a lot more than a famous piper any day".
A man goes to a physician. The doctor says, "I'm sorry to tell you this but you've only got six months to live."
The man says, "Doctor are you sure? Is there anything I can do?"
The doctor says, "Well, you could marry a piper."
"Will that make me live longer?"
"No, but it'll make your six months seem like six years."
Donald MacDonald from the Isle of Skye went to study at an English university and was living in the residence hall. After he had been there a semester, his mother came to visit.
"And how do you find the English students, Donald?" she asked.
"Mother," he replied, "they're such terrible, noisy people. The one on that side keeps banging his head on the wall and won't stop. The one on the other side screams and screams all night."
"Oh Donald! How do you manage to put up with these awful noisy English neighbours?"
"Well, mother, I just ignore them and stay in my room and play my pipes."

An expeditionary force was making its way through the deepest darkest jungle in Africa with its native guides when the faint sound of drums was heard reverberating around the distant hills. The guides shivered and looked uncomfortable, but the head guide assured the party that nothing was wrong. On the second day the drums grew louder and the natives were very agitated, but still the head guide assured the party that nothing was wrong. But on the third day the drums grew even louder to an ear-shattering intensity and the guides were panicking. Suddenly the drums stopped and the guides ran screaming into the jungle. Only then did the head guide speak up. "When drums stop, bad sign - next come bagpipe solo".

Two girls are walking along when they hear. "Psst! Down here!" They both look down and see a frog sitting beside the road.
The frog says to them, "Hey, if you kiss me I'll turn into a world famous bagpiper and make you both rich and famous!"
The two girls looked at each other, and one of them reached down and grabbed the frog and stuffed it in her pocket. The other girl said, "What did you do that for?"
The first replied, "I'm not stupid. I know a talking frog is worth heaps more than a famous bagpiper any day!!!"
A piper died and went to heaven. St Peter asked whether he played an instrument and he replied "Yes, the bagpipes". "Excellent" said St Peter, I think we have a vacancy in our pipe band.
"What is God like as a Pipe Major" asked the Piper.
"Not too bad" said St Peter, "although occasionally he thinks he's [insert favourite piper]"
Fergus sees a farmer with his sheep and walking up to him says "if I can guess how many sheep you have will you give me one?".
"Sure" says the farmer.
"Ok, you have 1,795 sheep" replies Fergus. The stunned farmer lets Fergus take his sheep.
"Wait a minute," says the farmer, "if I can guess what you do for living can I have my sheep back?".
"Certainly" replies Fergus.
"You're a piper, aren't you" smirks the farmer.
"That's incredible - how did you know" says Fergus.
"Well put my dog down and I'll tell you."
A musician from a symphony orchestra one day ran across an old lamp at a garage sale, took it home, washed it up, and out popped at genie. "Thank you kind sir for releasing me from this old lamp. I regret to say that you have encountered a poor, less powerful genie, and I can only grant you one wish, but wish away." said the genie.
"Oh that's wonderful. I think I would really like to make a difference in the world with my one wish.", said the musician. He thought for a moment and then reached for his atlas. "Here's a map of the Middle East. The people who live there have been fighting for years and years. For my one wish, I would like to bring peace to this land."
The genie, a little caught off guard, said "Oh, well, ah... that's a little bit too much for even this old master to handle. Aah, ya see, these people... they're involved in that touchy religious stuff, and aah, the kids, aah, they begin fighting when they're just teenagers. I'm afraid you're going to have to make another wish."
"Well, okay." said the musician. "For my one wish, I would just once like to hear a pipe band play in tune, in time, and with musical feeling."
The genie thought for a moment and replied, "Um, let me take a look at those maps again."

lprof wrote:I have a home in West Virginia and know a fellow who plays the bagpipes... often at grave sites. This story told by another friend reminded me of him.

As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper’s cemetery in the back country. As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical man, I didn’t stop for directions.

I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch.

I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn’t know what else to do, so I started to play.

The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I’ve never played before for this homeless man.

And as I played ‘Amazing Grace,’ the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full.

As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, “I never seen nothin’ like that before and I’ve been putting in septic tanks for twenty years.”

Apparently, I’m still lost… It’s a man thing.

need to go back a page this was the start of this weeks jokes

Just me ’n Leroy


A man stopped at a local gas station & after filling his tank, he paid the bill and bought a soft drink. He stood by his car to drink his cola and watched a couple of men working along the roadside . One man would dig a hole two or three feet deep and then move on.
The other man came along behind him and filled in the hole. While one was digging a new hole, the other was 25 feet behind filling in the hole.
The men worked right past the guy with the soft drink and went on down the road.
"I can't stand this," said the man tossing the can into a trash container and heading down the road toward the men.
"Hold it, hold it," he said to the men. "Can you tell me what's going on here with all this digging and refilling?"
"Well, we work for the government and we're just doing our job," one of the men said.
"But one of you is digging a hole and the other fills it up. You're not accomplishing anything.
Aren't you wasting the taxpayers' money?"
"You don't understand, mister," one of the men said, leaning on his shovel and wiping his brow. "Normal ly there's three of us: me, Elmer and Leroy.
I dig the hole, Elmer sticks in the tree, and Leroy here puts the dirt back.
The sequester caused Elmer's job's to be cut... so now it's just me n' Leroy.


I went to a nice, local restaurant/bar with my girlfriend last night. But the regulars were shouting "pedophile!" and other terrible names at me, just because my girlfriend is 21 and I'm 50.

It completely spoiled our 10th anniversary.



An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution. His last minute pleas for clemency to the governor failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed. As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him about "What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have you been? dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it" and on and on....

Too shattered to play his usual role in the familiar ritual, he poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long, hot soak in the bathtub, pursued by the predictable and sarcastic remarks as he dragged himself up the stairs.

While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was told that her husband's client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight!

Realizing what terrible day he must have had, she ran upstairs to give him the good news right away. As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet. "They're not hanging Wright" she exclaims. He whirled around and screamed 'FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER STOP??"

shoemak38 wrote: need to go back a page this was the start of this weeks jokes

What... is it Thursday already???

lprof wrote:
What... is it Thursday already???

Yes it is time flies up here in the arctic

After being married for 50 years, I took a careful look at my wife one day and said, "Fifty years ago we had a cheap house, a junk car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10-inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep with a hot 23-year-old girl every night.

Now, I have a $500,000 home, a $45,000 car, a nice big bed and a large screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 69-year-old woman. It seems to me that you're not holding up your side of things."

My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 23-year-old girl and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap house, driving a junk car, sleeping on a sofa bed and watching a 10-inch black and white TV.

Aren't older women great? They really know how to solve an old guy's problems.

Spring jokes

An elderly man was walking through the French countryside, admiring the beautiful spring day, when over a hedgerow he spotted a young couple making love in a field.

Getting over his initial shock he said to himself, "Ah, young love... ze spring time, ze air, ze flowers... C'est magnifique!", and continued to watch, remembering the good old day's that he'd once enjoyed.

Suddenly he gasped and said, "Mais... Sacre bleu! Ze woman she is dead!" before heading off as fast as he could to the town to tell Jean, the police chief.

He arrived at the Police Station, out of breath, and shouted, "Jean...Jean...zere is zis man, zis woman ... naked in farmer Gaston's field making love."

The police chief smiled and said, "Come, come, Henri you are not so old, remember ze young love, ze spring time, ze air, ze flowers? Ah,L'amour! Zis is OK."

"Mais non! You do not understand, ze woman, she is dead!"

Upon hearing this, Jean, leapt up from his seat, rushed out of the station, jumped on his push-bike, pedaled down to the field, confirmed Henri's story, and pedaled all the way back to call the doctor.

He picked up the telephone and screamed, "Pierre, Pierre! This is Jean, I was in Gaston's field, zere is a young couple naked having sex!"

To which Pierre replied, "Jean, I am a man of science. You must remember...it's spring, ze air, ze flowers, Ah, L'amour! Zis is very natural."

Jean, still out of breath, grasped in reply, "NON, you do not understand, ze woman, she is dead!"

Hearing this, Pierre exclaimed, "Mon dieu!" grabbed his black medicine bag, stuffed in his thermometer, stethoscope, and other tools, jumped in his car, and drove like a madman down to Gaston's field.

After carefully examining the participants he drove calmly back to Henri and Jean, who were waiting at the station.

When he got there, went inside, smiled patiently, and said, "Ah, mes amis, do not worry. Ze woman, she is not dead, she is British!"

Francis Norton woke up Sunday morning and realizing it was an exceptionally beautiful and sunny early spring day, decided he just had to play golf. So... he told the Associate Pastor that he was feeling sick and convinced him to say Mass for him that day.

As soon as the Associate Pastor left the room, Father Norton headed out of town to a golf course about forty miles away. This way he knew he wouldn't accidentally meet anyone he knew from his parish.

Setting up on the first tee, he was alone. After all, it was Sunday morning and everyone else was in church! At about this time, Saint Peter leaned over to the Lord while looking down from the heavens and exclaimed, "You're not going to let him get away with this, are you?"

The Lord sighed, and said, "No, I guess not."

Just then Father Norton hit the ball and it shot straight towards the pin, dropping just short of it, rolled up and fell into the hole. It WAS A 420 YARD HOLE IN ONE!

St. Peter was astonished. He looked at the Lord and asked, "Why did you let him do that?"

The Lord smiled and replied, "Who's he going to tell?"

Four high school boys afflicted with spring fever skipped morning classes. After lunch they reported to the teacher that they had a flat tire.

Much to their relief she smiled and said, "Well, you missed a test today so take seats apart from one another and take out a piece of paper."

Still smiling, she waited for them to sit down. Then she said: "First Question: Which tire was flat?"

It was early spring in British Columbia

A Frenchman hired three Indians to do some tracking for him while he hunted bear.

A few hours into the trip through the mountains they came upon a cave and all stopped.

One of the Indians steps forward and yells, "WOO-WOOO!" There was a similar response from in the cave. He then tore all his clothes off and ran into the cave.

Another couple of hours goes by, another cave. They all stop. The second Indian yells "WOO-WOOO!" And again "woo-wooo!" was heard from the cave. He rips off his clothes and darts into the cave.

Now the Frenchman was very curious and asks "What da devil is going on???"

The third Indian explains, "It Indian mating season. When you give mating call and it returned mean available female in cave."

A little while later, a third cave, a third call, a third response. The clothes are off, the Indian is gone.

"Well dare ain't gonna be no huntin now" the Frenchman thinks to himself. So along the trail the Frenchman sees a big cave and goes "WOO-WOOO!" No response "WOO-WOOO!"... Hesitation... Then "woo-wooooo!" From in the cave. The Frenchman rips off all his clothes and runs full speed into the cave.

The next day in the Vancover Times, headlines read:

NAKED FRENCHMAN KILLED BY TRAIN

Q. Can February March?
A. No, but April May!

Q. What season is it when you are on a trampoline?
A. Spring-time!

Knock, knock!
Whos there?
Spring.
Spring who?
I might spring over your house one day!

Pictures from Monday's forum party

http://jokes.topstuff.net/joke/xBjS7HtCH5k


Snagit Capture by SHOEMAK38, on Flickr


Inventions by Blondes
? The water-proof towel
? Glow in the dark sunglasses
? Solar powered flashlights
? Submarine screen doors
? A book on how to read
? Inflatable dart boards
? A dictionary index
? Mechanical Pencil sharpeners
? Powdered water
? Pedal-powered wheel chairs
? Waterproof tea bags
? Watermelon seed sorter
? Zero proof alcohol
? Reuseable ice cubes
? See-through toilet tissue
? Skinless bananas
? Do-it-yourself road map
? Turnip ice cream
? Toe implants
? An all white flag
? Rolls Royce pickup truck

Two retired men were sitting in the bar at their local golf club, after an appauling round, in rainy, cold miserable conditions, with a pint of beer each.

“That was awful today,” said the first man, staring at the table through his pint glass.

“Yeah, it was the worst I’ve ever played,” replied the second.

“I wonder, do you think they have golf in heaven? I hope so. Just imagine it, the lush rolling hills, crystal clear lakes, immaculate greens, perfect conditions for golf. A heavenly course.”

The second man looked at him, and thought for a moment. After a minute or so, he spoke.
“Well, my sister is a psychic. We could get her to make contact with some people in heaven, find out about the facilities.”

“Great,” exclaimed the first man.

“Well,” continued the second man, “I’ll find out, and I’ll talk to you next Sunday when we play.”

***The Next Week***

“So, did you speak to your sister?”

“I sure did, and she managed to get in touch with a few folks up in heaven”, said the second man. “However, there’s good news, and, I’m afraid, there’s bad news.”

“Well, tell me the good news first,” said the first man.

“The good news is that there is awesome golf courses in heaven, just as we invisaged it. lush hills, crystal clear lakes, the lot.”

“..and the bad news?” said the first man, his voice more hesitant

“The bad news is, you’re off the first tee 9am tomorrow morning.”


1. Pick up cat and cradle it in your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat’s mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

2. Retrieve pill from under table and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

3. Retrieve cat from bedroom and throw soggy pill away.

4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.

5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.

6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing a wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat’s throat vigorously.

7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered Doulton figurines from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.

8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.

9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink glass of water to take taste away. Apply Bandaids to spouse’s forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

10. Retrieve cat from neighbour’s shed. Get another pill. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.

11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put door back on hinges. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Throw T-shirt away and get a new one from bedroom.

12. Ring fire brigade to retrieve cat from tree across the street. Apologize to neighbour who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrapper.

13. Tie cat’s front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining room table, find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed, force cat’s mouth open with small spanner. Push pill into mouth followed by a large piece of steak. Hold head vertically and pour a pint of water down throat to wash pill down.

14. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.

early this week

Ole and Sven die and wake up in hell. The next day the devil stops in to check on them and sees them dressed in parkas, mittens and bomber hats warming themselves around a fire. The devil asks them "What are you doing? Isn't it hot enough for you?

Ole and Sven reply, "Vell ya know, ve're from Nordern Minnesoda, the land of ice and snow and cold. Ve're yust happy for da chance ta varm up a bit, don 't ya know."

The devil decides that these two aren't miserable enough and turns up the heat. The next morning he stops by again and there they are, still dressed in parkas, hats and mittens. The devil asks them again, "It's awfully hot down here, can't you two feel that?"

Again Ole and Sven reply, "Vell, like ve told you yesterday, ve're from Nordern Minnesoda, the land of ice and snow and cold. Ve're yust happy for da chance ta warm up a bit ya know."

This gets the devil a bit steamed and he decides to show these two just who is in charge down here. He cranks up the heat as high as it can go. The rest of the people are screaming and miserable. He stops by to see if his two Minnesota tenants are the same, and is astonished to find them in light jackets and baseball caps, grilling walleye and drinking beer. The devil says "Everyone down here is in absolute misery, and you two seem to be enjoying yourselves! Why?"

Ole and Sven reply, "Vell, ya know ve don't get too many varm days up dere in International Falls, ve just got to have a fish fry vhen da vedder is dis nice."

This absolutely incenses the devil, he can barely see straight. He finally comes up with a plan to set these two straight. These two guys love the heat because they have been cold all their lives, so he decides to turn off all the heat. The next morning, the temperature in hell is below zero, icicles are hanging off the ceilings, people are shivering so much that they don't even have the strength to complain. The devil smiles and heads over to check on Ole &Sven. He arrives and finds the two back in their parkas, hats, and mittens. They are jumping up and down, cheering, and giving each other hi-fives. The devil is now quite dumbfounded, "I just don't understand, I turn up the heat and you're happy. Now I turn off the heat, it's freezing and you're still happy. Why?"

Ole and Sven stop their celebration and look at the devil with a surprised look and say "Vell, don't ya know, hell froze over... dat must mean da Vikings von da Super Bowl!"

Sven and Ole bought a new car. They were so excited about it that when they got home they locked the keys in the car. Sven says to Ole, "I thought you had the keys."

Ole says, "You ver driving, da driver always takes da keys."

"Well," says Sven, "It doesn't much matter, da question is vat are ve going ta do about it."

Ole says, "I don't know, but ve bedder come up vit someting fast because it looks like rain, and you had ta go and leave da top down."


Ole and Sven went fishing one day in a rented boat and were catching fish like crazy. Ole said, "We better mark dis spot so ve can come back tomorrow and catch more fish."

Sven then proceeded to mark the bottom of the boat with a large 'X'. Ole asked him what he was doing, and Sven told him he was marking the spot so they could come back to catch more fish.

Ole said, " Ya big dummy, how do ya know ve are going ta get da same boat tomorrow?

Ole, Lena, and Sven were lost in the North woods and were becoming desperate, having run out of food several days ago. It was winter, the snow was deep, their situation was looking very bleak. When Ole dug down into the snow to look for something to eat , he found an old lamp and upon rubbing it to get the snow off, a genie came out.

The genie says, "I am the great genie of the North and I can grant each of you one wish.

Ole says, "I vish I vas back on my farm." Poof, Ole was gone.

Lena quickly says, "I vish I vas back on da farm wit Ole."

Poof, Lena was gone.

Sven was sitting there looking sad and the genie finally says, "What is your wish?".

Sven says, "Gee, I'm really lonely. I vish Ole and Lena vas back here with me".

A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink.

"Vy sure," comes the reply.

The first man then asks: "Ver ya from?"

"Norvay," replies the second man.

The first man responds, "Ya don't say, I'm from Norvay too! Let's have anudder round to Norvay."

Curious, the first man then asks: "Vere in Norvay are ya from?"

"Bergen," comes the reply.

"I can't believe it," says the first man. "I'm from Bergen too! Let's have anudder drink to old Bergen."

Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks: "So, vere did you live?"

"On a boat, at da fishin docks," replies the second man.

"Dis is unbelievable!," the first man says. "I lived on a boat at da fishin docks, too!"

About that time in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar.

"What's up?," he asks the bartender.

"Nothing much," replies the bartender. "Ole and his brother Sven are getting drunk again."

Ole is taking Lena out on a date. He gets home, goes upstairs where Lena is standing in the middle of the bedroom naked.

"Lena, why are you standing in the middle of the room naked?" asks Ole.

"Ohh Ole, I have absolutely nuttin ta vear!"

Ole walks over to Lena's closet and opens it.

"Lena! Vut do ya mean you have nuttin ta wear? Here's your white dress, here's your black dress, Hello Sven, here's your orange dress.."

Ole always caught his limit of fish and he would never tell anyone his secret. Finally the Game Warden threatened to take away Ole's license unless Ole taught him how he did it.

Ole finally agreed to meet him early one morning to go fishing. The Game Warden came with six rods and three tackle boxes, so he'd be ready for anything. Ole showed up with a small brown paper bag.

They climbed in a row boat and Ole rowed out to a spot on the lake. Ole then opened his bag and pulled out a stick of dynamite, lit it and tossed it into the water. After an explosion and shower of water, dozens of fish floated to the surface. Ole started to row the boat around picking up fish.

The Game Warden was surprised and furious. He shouted, "Ole, you can't do that! It's against the LAW!"

Ole calmly reached into his bag and took out another stick of dynamite and lit it. He tossed it to the Game Warden and asked, "Vell, are ya gonna to talk? Or, ya gonna fish?"

SumBitch

A filthy rich Florida man decided that he wanted to throw a party and invited all of his buddies and neighbors.

He also invited Leroy, the only Redneck in the neighborhood.

He held the party around the pool in the backyard of his mansion.

Leroy was having a good time drinking, dancing, eating shrimp, oysters and BBQ and flirting with all the women.

At the height of the party, the host said, 'I have a 10 foot man-eating gator in my pool and I'll give a million dollars to anyone who has the nerve to jump in.

The words were barely out of his mouth when there was a loud splash. Everyone turned around and saw Leroy in the pool!

Leroy was fighting the gator and kicking its rear! Leroy was jabbing it in the eyes with his thumbs, throwing punches, head butts and choke holds, biting the gator on the tail and flipping it through the air like some kind of Judo Instructor.

The water was churning and splashing everywhere. Both Leroy and the gator were screaming and raising heck.

Finally Leroy strangled the gator and let it float to the top like a dime store goldfish.

Leroy then slowly climbed out of the pool. Everybody was just staring at him in disbelief.

Finally the host says, 'Well, Leroy, I reckon I owe you a million dollars.'

'No, that's okay. I don't want It,' said Leroy.

The rich man said, 'Man, I have to give you something you won the bet. How about half a million bucks then?'

No thanks, I don't want it,' answered Leroy.

The host said, 'Come on, I insist on giving you something. That was amazing. How about a new Porsche and a Rolex and some stock options?'

Again Leroy said no.

Confused, the rich man asked, 'Well, Leroy, then what do you want?'

Leroy said, 'I want the name of the sumbich who pushed me in the pool!

What a week



MONDAY
The mother of a 17-year-old girl was concerned that her daughter was having sex...
Worried the girl might become pregnant and adversely impact the family's status, she consulted the family doctor.
The doctor told her that teenagers today were very willful and any attempt to stop the girl would probably result in rebellion. He then told her to arrange for her daughter to be put on birth control and until then, talk to her and give her a box of condoms.
Later that evening, as her daughter was preparing for a date, the mother told her about the situation and handed her a box of condoms.The girl burst out laughing and reached over to hug her mother, saying, 'Oh Mom! You don't have to worry about that! I'm dating Susan!'

TUESDAY
A man went to church one day and afterward he stopped to shake the preacher's hand. He said, 'Preacher, I'll tell you, that was a damned fine sermon. Damned good!'
The preacher said, 'Thank you sir, but I'd rather you didn't use profanity.'
The man said, 'I was so damned impressed with that sermon I put five thousand dollars in the offering plate!'
The preacher said, 'No shit?'

WEDNESDAY
Brenda and Steve took their six-year-old son to the doctor.
With some hesitation, they explained that although their little angel appeared to be in good health, they were concerned about his rather small penis.
After examining the child, the doctor confidently declared, 'Just feed him pancakes. That should solve the problem.'
The next morning when the boy arrived at breakfast, there was a large stack of warm pancakes in the middle of the table.
'Gee, Mom,' he exclaimed. 'For me?'
'Just take two,' Brenda replied.
'The rest are for your father.'

THURSDAY
One night, an 87-year-old woman came home from
Bingo to find her 92-year-old husband in bed with another woman.. She became violent and ended up pushing him off the balcony of their 20th floor apartment, killing him instantly. Brought before the court, on the charge of murder, she was asked if she had anything to say in her own defense. 'Your Honor,' she began coolly, 'I figured that at 92, if he could screw, he could fly.'

FRIDAY
A Doctor was addressing a large audience in Tampa 'The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago.. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High
fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. However, there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have eaten, or will eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?' After several seconds of quiet, a
75-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said,'Wedding Cake.'

SATURDAY
Bob, a 70-year-old, extremely wealthy widower, shows up at the Country Club with a breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy 25-year-old blonde-haired woman who knocks everyone' socks off with her youthful sex appeal and charm and who hangs over Bob's arm and listens intently to his every word. His buddies at the club are all aghast. At the very first chance, they corner him and ask, 'Bob, How'd you get the trophy girlfriend?' Bob replies, 'Girlfriend? She's my wife!' They are knocked over, but continue to ask. 'So, how'd you persuade her to marry you?' 'I lied about my age', Bob replies.'What, did you tell her you were only
50?' Bob smiles and says, 'No, I told her I was 90.'

SUNDAY
Groups of Americans were traveling by tour bus through Holland .. As they stopped at a cheese farm, a young guide led them through the process of cheese making, explaining that goat's milk was used. She showed the group a lovely hillside where many goats were grazing. 'These' she explained, 'Are the older goats put out to pasture when they no longer produce.' She then asked, 'What do you do in America with your old goats?' A spry old gentleman answered, 'They send us on bus tours!

WHATEVER HITS THE FAN WILL
NOT BE DISTRIBUTED EVENLY.

I have kleptomania,
but when it gets bad,
I take something for it.

FOLLOW YOUR DREAMS!
Except that one where you're naked in church.


Sometimes too much to drink isn't enough.

Kinky is using a feather.
Perverted is using the whole chicken.

Heaven is Where:
The Police are British,
The Chefs are Italian,
The Mechanics are German,
The Lovers are French and
It's all organized by the Swiss.

Hell is Where:
The Police are German,
The Chefs are British,
The Mechanics are French,
The Lovers are Swiss and
It's all organized by the Italians.

Suicidal twin kills sister by mistake!

My short-term memory is not as sharp as it used to be.
Also, my short-term memory's not as sharp as it used to be.

Welcome to Utah
Set your watch back 20 years.

In just two days from now,
tomorrow will be yesterday.


The statement below is true.
The statement above is false.

I may be schizophrenic,
but at least I have each other.

I am a Nobody.
Nobody is Perfect.
Therefore I am Perfect.

KENTUCKY:
Five million people,
Fifteen last names.

I'm not your type.
I'm not inflatable.

Dyslexics Have More Nuf.


In Memorium
With all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the moment, it is worth reflecting on the death of a very important person, which almost went unnoticed last week. Larry LaPrise, the man who wrote "The Hokey Cokey", died peacefully at age 93. The most traumatic part for his family was getting him into the coffin. They put his left leg in. And then the trouble started.


I LOVE COOKING WITH WINE
Sometimes I even put it in the food.


When you work here
you can name your own salary.
I named mine "Fred".

Money isn't everything,
but it sure keeps the kids in touch.

Reality is only an illusion
that occurs due to a lack of alcohol.

Red meat is not bad for you
Furry green meat is bad for you.


Don't sweat the petty things.
Don't pet the sweaty things.

Corduroy pillows are making headlines!

I want to die while asleep like my grandfather,
not screaming in terror like the passengers in his car.

Will Rogers, who died in a 1935 plane crash, was one of the
greatest political sages this country has ever known.

Some of his sayings:

1. Never slap a man who's chewing tobacco.

2. Never kick a cow chip on a hot day.

3. There are two theories to arguing with a woman.
Neither works.

4. Never miss a good chance to shut up.

5. Always drink upstream from the herd.

6. If you find yourself in a hole, stop digging.

7. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it
and put it back into your pocket.

8. There are three kinds of men:
The ones that learn by reading.
The few who learn by observation.
The rest of them have to pee on the electric fence
and find out for themselves.

9. Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.

10. If you're riding ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there.

11. Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier'n puttin' it back.

12. After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring. He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him.
The moral: When you're full of bull, keep your mouth shut.


ABOUT GROWING OLDER...

First ~Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying
about your age and start bragging about it.

Second ~ The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.

Third ~ Some people try to turn back their odometers.
Not me; I want people to know 'why' I look this way.
I've traveled a long way, and some of the roads weren't paved.

Fourth ~ When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of Algebra.

Fifth ~ You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.

Sixth ~ I don't know how I got over the hill without getting to the top.

Seventh ~ One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it's such a nice change from being young.

Eighth ~ One must wait until evening to see how splendid the day has been.

Ninth ~ Being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.

Tenth ~ Long ago, when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft.
Today it's called golf.

And, finally ~ If you don't learn to laugh at trouble,
you won't have anything to laugh at when you're old.

It's Rerun season

ALL PUNS INTENDED

1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't
much, but the reception was excellent.

2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, 'I'll serve you, but
don't start anything.'

3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.

4. A dyslexic man walked into a bra.

5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm, and says: 'A
beer please, and one for the road.'

6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: 'Does this taste
funny to you?'

7. 'Doc, I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home.'
'That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome.'
'Is it common?'
'Well, It's Not Unusual.'

8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field.
Daisy says to Dolly, 'I was artificially inseminated this morning.'
'I don't believe you,' says Dolly.
'It's true; no bull!' exclaims Daisy.

9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at
either.

10. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.

11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day, but I couldn't find
any.

12. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident.
He shouted, 'Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!'
The doctor replied, 'I know, I amputated your arms!'

13. I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

14. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

15. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says,
'Dam!'

16. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft.
Not surprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and
heat it too.


17. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel, and were standing in the
lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the
manager came out of the office, and asked them to disperse.
'But why,' they asked, as they moved off.
'Because,' he said. 'I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer.'

18. A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a
family in Egypt , and is named 'Ahmal.' The other goes to a family in Spain ;
they name him 'Juan.' Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth
mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she
also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, 'They're twins! If you've
seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal.'

19. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which
produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little,
which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath.
This made him (oh, man, this is so bad, it's good) ... a super-calloused fragile
mystic hexed by halitosis.

20. A dwarf, who was a mystic, escaped from jail. The call went out that there
was a small medium at large.

21. And finally, there was the person who sent twenty different puns to his
friends, with the hope that at least ten of the puns would make them laugh. No
pun in ten did.

If you have ever used an electric fence or know someone who has one you should read this.

This was sent by a retired dentist.

We have the standard 6 ft. Fence in the backyard, and a few months ago, I heard about burglaries increasing dramatically in the entire city. To make sure this never happened to me, I got an electric fence and ran a single wire along the top of the fence.

Actually, I got the biggest cattle charger Tractor Supply had, made for 26 miles of fence. I then used an 8 ft. Long ground rod, and drove it 7.5 ft. Into the ground. The ground rod is the key, with the more you have in the ground, the better the fence works.

One day I'm mowing the back yard with my cheapo Wal-Mart 6 hp big wheel push mower. The hot wire is broken and laying out in the yard. I knew for a fact that I unplugged the charger. I pushed the mower around the wire and reached down to grab it, to throw it out of the way.

It seems as though I hadn't remembered to unplug it after all.

Now I'm standing there, I've got the running lawnmower in my right hand and the 1.7 giga-volt fence wire in the other hand. Keep in mind the
Charger is about the size of a marine battery and has a picture of an upside down cow on fire on the cover.

Time stood still.

The first thing I notice is my pecker trying to climb up the front side of my body. My ears curled downwards and I could feel the lawnmower ignition firing in the backside of my brain. Every time that Briggs & Stratton rolled over, I could feel the spark in my head. I was literally at one with the engine.

It seems as though the fence charger and the piece of shit lawnmower were fighting over who would control my electrical impulses.

Science says you cannot crap, pee, and vomit at the same time. I beg to differ. Not only did I do all three at once, but my bowels emptied 3 different times in less than half of a second. It was a Matrix kind of bowel movement, where time is creeping along and you're all leaned back and BAM BAM BAM you just crap your pants 3 times. It seemed like there were minutes in between but in reality it was so close together. It was like exhaust pulses from a big block Chevy turning 8 grand. At this point I'm about 30 minutes (maybe 2 seconds) into holding onto the fence wire. My hand is wrapped around the wire palm down so I can't let go. I grew up on a farm so I know all about electric fences. But Dad always had those piece of shit chargers made by International or whoever that were like 9 volts and just kinda tickled.

This one I could not let go of. The 8 ft. Long ground rod is now accepting signals from me through the permadamp Ark-La-Tex river bottom soil. At this point I'm thinking I'm going to have to just man up and take it, until the lawnmower runs out of gas. 'Damn!,' I think, as I remember I just filled the tank!

Now the lawnmower is starting to run rough. It has settled into a loping run pattern as if it had some kind of big lawnmower race cam in it. Covered in poop, pee, and with my vomit on my chest, I think 'Oh God please die... Pleeeeaze die'. But nooooo, it settles into the rough lumpy cam idle nicely and remains there, like a big bore roller cam EFI motor waiting for the go command from its owner's right foot.

So here I am in the middle of July, 104 degrees, 80% humidity, standing in my own backyard, begging God to kill me. God did not take me that day. He left me there covered in my own fluids to writhe in the misery my own stupidity had created. I honestly don't know how I got loose from the wire.

I woke up laying on the ground hours later. The lawnmower was beside me, out of gas. It was later on in the day and I was sunburned. There were two large dead grass spots where I had been standing, and then another long skinny dead spot where the wire had laid while I was on the ground still holding on to it. I assume I finally had a seizure and in the resulting thrashing had somehow let go of the wire.

Upon waking from my electrically induced sleep I realized a few things:
1 - Three of the fillings in my teeth have melted.

2 - I now have cramps in the bottoms of my feet and my right butt cheek
(not the left, just the right).

3 - Poop, pee, and vomit when all mixed together, do not smell as bad as you might think.
4 - My left eye will not open.

5 - My right eye will not close.
6 - The lawnmower runs like a sumbitch now. Seriously! I think our
little session cleared out some carbon fouling or something, because it
was better than new after that.

7 - My nuts are still smaller than average yet they are almost a foot
long.

8 - I can turn on the TV in the game room by farting while thinking of
the number 4 (still don't understand this???).

That day changed my life. I now have a newfound respect for things. I
appreciate the little things more, and now I always triple check to make
sure the fence is unplugged before I mow. The good news, is that if a burglar does try to come over the fence, I can clearly visualize what my security system will do to him, and THAT gives me a warm and fuzzy feeling all over, which also reminds me to triple check before I mow.