USVI-On-Line

jokesmay by SHOEMAK38, on Flickr

shoemak38 wrote:
jokesmay by SHOEMAK38, on Flickr

From the ForgottenBuffalo.com website, the infamous words of then mayor Jimmy Griffin talking about what to do during the blizzard of '85:

Blizzard of 1985

On January 18, 1985, Buffalo was hit by the “Six Pack Blizzard.” The storm dropped 33.2 inches of snow with winds gusting to 53 mph. It was during this storm that Mayor Jimmy Griffin told Buffalonians to “Stay inside, grab a six-pack and watch a good football game.” This by far is one of the best lines EVER voiced by a political leader.

Valentine’s Day Dream

After she woke up, a woman told her husband, "I just dreamed you gave me a diamond necklace for Valentine’s Day. What do you think it means?"

"You’ll know tonight," he said.

That evening the husband came home with a small package and gave it to his wife. Delighted, she opened it--to find a book entitled “The Meaning of Dreams.”


Black and White Wedding

Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, "Why is the bride dressed in white?"

"Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life."

The child thought about this for a moment, then said, "So why is the groom wearing black?"

Valentine's Day Oneliners

What do farmers give their wives on Valentine's Day?

Hog and kisses!
What would you get it you crossed Odie with the God of love?

A stupid cupid!
Why did the pig give his girlfriend a box of candy?

It was Valenswine's Day!
Do skunks celebrate Valentine's Day?

Sure, they're very scent-imental!
What did the chocolate syrup say to the ice cream?

"I'm sweet on you!"
What did the paper clip say to the magnet?

"I find you very attractive."
What did the French chef give his wife for Valentine's Day?

A hug and a quiche!
What would you call a woman who goes out with Jon?

Desperate!
What did one pickle say to the other?

"You mean a great dill to me."
Knock, Knock!
Who's there?
Olive.
Olive who?
Olive you!
What did the elephant say to his girlfriend?

"I love you a ton!"
What did the bat say to his girlfriend?

"You're fun to hang around with."
Did you hear about the nearsighted porcupine?

He fell in love with a pincushion!
What did the pencil say to the paper?

"I dot my i's on you!"
Liz: "I can't be your valentine for medical reasons."
Jon: "Really?"
Liz: "Yeah, you make me sick!"
Why did the cannibal break up with his girlfriend?

She didn't suit his taste!

Snagit Capture by SHOEMAK38, on Flickr

One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift...

The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.

When she asked me why, I replied,

"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"

And that's how the fight started.....

________________________________


My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be a Millionaire while we were in bed.

I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?'

'No,' she answered. I then said,

'Is that your final answer?'

She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'

So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

And that's when the fight started...

________________________________


I took my wife to a restaurant.

The waiter for some reason, took my order first.

"I'll have the rump steak, rare, please."

He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"

"Nah, she can order for herself."

And that's when the fight started.....

_______________________________


My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.

I asked her, "Do you know him?"

"Yes," she sighed,

"He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since."

"My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"

And then the fight started...

________________________________


When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat, making beer.. Always something more important to me. Finally she
thought of a clever way to make her point.

When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed
her a toothbrush. I said, "When you finish cutting the
grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."

The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.

______________________________


My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.

She asked, "What's on TV?"

I said, "Dust."

And then the fight started...

________________________________


Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the van and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50mph, so I pulled back into the
garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back; now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."

My loving wife of 5 years replied, "And, can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?"

And that's how the fight started...

_______________________________


My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.

She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds."

I bought her a bathroom scale.

And then the fight started......

______________________________


After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security.

The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to verify my age.

I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.

So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.

She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office. She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability too.'

And then the fight started...

________________________________


My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.

She was not happy with what she saw and said to me,

"I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'

I replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."

And then the fight started........

________________________________


I rear-ended a car this morning...the start of a REALLY bad day!

The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!!

He looked up at me and said, 'I am NOT Happy!'

So I said, 'Well, which one ARE you then?'

That's how the fight started.

Fifty Shades of Fishing

Four guys have been going to the same fishing trip for many years.
Two days before the group is to leave, Sam's wife puts her foot down
and tells him he isn't going. Sam's fishing mates are very upset that he
can't go, but what can they do.

Two days later, the three get to the camping site to find Sam sitting there
with a tent set up, firewood gathered, dinner cooking on the fire, and having a cold beer.

"Crap Sam, how long you been here, and how did you talk your mrs. into letting you go?"

“Well, I've been here since last night. Yesterday evening, I was sitting in my
living room chair and my wife came up behind me and put her hands over
my eyes and asked, ‘Guess who?’" I pulled her hands off, and there she was, wearing a
sheer nightie.
She took my hand and pulled me into our bedroom.
The room had candles and rose petals all over.

Well, she's been reading that book, “50 Shades of Gray.” On the bed, she had
handcuffs and ropes! She told me to tie her up and cuff her to the bed, so I did.
And then she said, "Do whatever you want." ....






So, Here I am!

Romancing The Wind
The guy flying the 3 kites is in his 80s, and he's from Canada. He comes to the Washington State International Kite Festival every year. His skin is like leather as he normally flies with his shirt off. He is deaf, so when he flies we hold our hands up and wave them for applause. He flies 2 with his hands and the 3rd one is attached to his waist. Enjoy!
You must watch to the end to see the amazing landing of that last kite! I would have those kite's so tangled up, you could never get them separated again! And of course, make sure the volume is turned up because the music is wonderful and totally reflects the soaring of the kits. Beautiful.

http://www.youtube.com/watch_popup?v=nr9KrqN_lIg

Seven retired Italian Floridian fellows were playing poker in the condo clubhouse when Guido loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest, and drops dead at the table.

Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five continue playing, but do so standing up.

At the end of the game, Giovanni looks around and asks, "So, who's gonna tell his wife?"

They cut the cards. Pasquale picks the low card and has to carry the news. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse.

"Discreet? I'm the most discreet person you'll ever meet. Discretion is my middle name. Leave it to me!"

So, Pasquale goes over to the Guido's condo and knocks on the door. The wife answers through the door and asks what he wants?

Pasquale declares: "Your husband just lost $500 in a poker game and is afraid to come home."

"Tell him to drop dead!" yells the wife.

"I'll go tell him." says Pasquale.

Sex After Surgery

A surgeon went to check on his patient after an operation.
"You'll be fine," he said.
She asked, “How long will it be before I am
able to have a normal sex life again doctor?"



The surgeon seemed to pause,
which alarmed the girl.
"What's the matter Doctor?
I will be all right, won't I?"
He replied, “Yes, you'll be fine.
It's just that no one has ever asked
me that after having their tonsils out."

The Sensitive Man


A woman meets a man in a bar. They talk; they connect; they end up leaving together.


They get back to his place, and he shows her around his
apartment.

She notices that one wall of his bedroom is completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears.


There are three shelves in the bedroom, with hundreds and hundreds of cute, cuddly teddy bears carefully placed in rows, covering the entire wall!

It was obvious that he had taken quite some time to lovingly arrange them and she was immediately touched by the amount of thought he had put into organizing the display.


There were small bears all along the bottom shelf, medium-sized bears covering the length of the middle shelf, and huge, enormous bears running all the way along the top shelf.


She found it strange for an obviously masculine guy to have such a large collection of Teddy Bears.

She is quite impressed by his sensitive side but doesn't mention this to him.
They share a bottle of wine and continue talking and, after awhile, she finds herself thinking, 'Oh my God! Maybe, this guy could be the one! Maybe he could be the future father of my children?' She turns to him and kisses him lightly on the lips.


He responds warmly. They continue to kiss, the passion builds, and he romantically lifts her in his arms and carries her to his bed where they rip off each other's clothes and make hot, steamy, passionate love.

She is so overwhelmed that she responds with more passion, more creativity, more heat than she has ever known.

After an intense, explosive night of raw passion with this sensitive guy, they are lying there together in the afterglow. The woman rolls over, gently strokes his chest and asks coyly,
'Well, how was it? '

The guy gently smiles at her, strokes her cheek, looks deeply into her eyes, and says:








'Help yourself to any prize from the middle shelf. '

jokesmay by SHOEMAK38, on Flickr


that's all for this week signing off Drunky

"Romancing the Wind"... WOW! Lovely music. Amazing skill! Thank you for adding this!

Please keep the jokes coming too, Drunky!

PARAPROSDOKIANS

*Paraprosdokians are figures of speech in which the latter part
of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected; frequently humorous*.


*1. Where there's a will, I want to be in it.

2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's
still on my list.

3. Since light travels faster than sound, some
people appear bright until you hear them speak.

4. If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.

5. We never really grow up, we only learn how to act
in public.

6. War does not determine who is right - only who is
left..

7. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom
is not putting it in a fruit salad.

8. They begin the evening news with 'Good Evening,'
then proceed to tell you why it isn't.

9. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To
steal from many is research.

10. Buses stop in bus stations. Trains stop in train
stations. On my desk is a work station.

11. I thought I wanted a career. Turns out I just
wanted paychecks.

12. In filling out an application, where it says,
'In case of emergency, notify:' I put 'DOCTOR.'

13. I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was
blaming you.

14. Women will never be equal to men until they can
walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they
are sexy.

15. Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind
the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.

16. A clear conscience is the sign of a fuzzy memory.

17. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only
need a parachute to skydive twice.

18. Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes
misery easier to live with.

19. There's a fine line between cuddling and holding
someone down so they can't get away.

20. I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure.

21. You're never too old to learn something stupid.

22. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first
and call whatever you hit the target.

23. Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

24. Change is inevitable, except from a vending
machine.

25. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any
more than standing in a garage makes you a car. Amen

And mine is.........
I'm supposed to respect my elders, but it’s getting harder and harder for
me to find one now.

I have a home in West Virginia and know a fellow who plays the bagpipes... often at grave sites. This story told by another friend reminded me of him.

As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper’s cemetery in the back country. As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical man, I didn’t stop for directions.

I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch.

I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn’t know what else to do, so I started to play.

The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I’ve never played before for this homeless man.

And as I played ‘Amazing Grace,’ the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full.

As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, “I never seen nothin’ like that before and I’ve been putting in septic tanks for twenty years.”

Apparently, I’m still lost… It’s a man thing.