USVI-On-Line

DINING OUT

1. When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper cup, and pour slowly so as not to "bruise" the fruit of the vine.

2. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers covering the label.

ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME

1. A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.2. Do not allow the dog to eat at the table... no matter how good his manners are.

PERSONAL HYGIENE

1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one's OWN truck keys.

2. Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days. However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money.

3. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to detract from a woman's jewelry and alter the taste of finger foods.

DATING (Outside the Family)

1. Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.

2. Be aggressive. Let her know you're interested: "I've been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the bathroom wall two years ago."

3. Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say 10:00 PM; Others might say "Monday." If the latter is the answer, it is the man's responsibility to get her to school on time.

THEATER ETIQUETTE

1. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately after the movie has ended.

2. Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can't hear you.

WEDDINGS

1. Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a wedding gift.

2. Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot.

3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create a tacky appearance.

4. Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for this special occasion.

DRIVING ETIQUETTE

1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles; Even if the gun is loaded, and the deer is in sight.

2. When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way.

3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.

4. When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer.

5. Never relieve yourself from a moving vehicle, especially when driving.

6. Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.

TIPS FOR ALL OCCASIONS

1. Never take a beer to a job interview.

2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.

3. It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church.

4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.

5. Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it is still considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.

Thank you for purchasing 'Bubba & Cooter's Book of Sure-fire Pick-up Lines' brought to you by Bubba & Cooter. Enjoy!

1) Did you fart?
cuz you blew me away.

2) Are yer parents retarded?
cuz ya sure are special.

3) My Love fer you is like diarrhea
I can't hold it in.

4) Do you have a library card?
cuz I'd like to sign you out

5) Is there a mirror in yer pants?
cuz I can see myself in em.

6) If you was a tree & I was a Squirrel,
I'd store my nuts in yer hole.

7) You might not be the best lookin girl here,
but beauty's only a light switch away.

Man - 'Fat Penguin!'
Woman - 'WHAT?'
Man - 'I just wanted to say something that would break the ice.'

9) I know I'm not no Fred Flintstone,
but I bet I can make yer bed-rock.

10) I can't find my puppy, can you help me find him?
I think he went inta this cheap motel room...

11) Yer eyes are as blue as window cleaner.

12) If yer gunna regret this in the mornin,
we kin sleep til afternoon.

AND.. the best for last!

13) Yer face reminds me of a wrench,
every time I think of it, my nuts tighten up

Mother’s Driver’s License

A mother is driving her little girl
to her friend's house for a play date.

' Mommy ,' the little girl asks,
'how old are you?'

'Honey, you are not supposed to ask
a lady her age,' the mother replied.
'It's not polite.'

'OK', the little girl says,
'How much do you weigh?'

'Now really,' the mother says,
'those are personal questions and
are really none of your business.'

Undaunted, the little girl asks,
'Why did you and Daddy get a divorce?'

'That's enough questions, young
lady! Honestly!'

The exasperated mother walks away as
the two friends begin to play.

' My Mom won't tell me anything
about her,' the little girl says to
her friend.

'Well,' says the friend,
'all you need to do is look at her
driver's license.
It's like a report card, it has
everything on it.'

Later that night the little girl
says to her mother,
'I know how old you are. You are 32.'

The mother is surprised and asks,
'How did you find that out?

'I also know that you weigh 130
pounds.'

The mother is past surprised and
shocked now.
'How in Heaven's name did you find
that out?'

'And,' the little girl says
triumphantly,
'I know why you and daddy got a
divorce.' **

'Oh really?' the mother asks. 'Why?'**
**

'Because you got an F in sex.'**

going for 77777 views this weeks

Aliens from outer space, to be more precise. I first saw the story at Reuters last week, in a piece dated September 15:
Witness testimony from more than 120 former or retired military personnel points to an ongoing and alarming intervention by unidentified aerial objects at nuclear weapons sites, as recently as 2003. In some cases, several nuclear missiles simultaneously and inexplicably malfunctioned while a disc-shaped object silently hovered nearby. Six former U.S. Air Force officers and one former enlisted man will break their silence about these events at the National Press Club and urge the government to publicly confirm their reality.

One of them, ICBM launch officer Captain Robert Salas, was on duty during one missile disruption incident at Malmstrom Air Force Base and was ordered to never discuss it. Another participant, retired Col. Charles Halt, observed a disc-shaped object directing beams of light down into the RAF Bentwaters airbase in England and heard on the radio that they landed in the nuclear weapons storage area. Both men will provide stunning details about these events, and reveal how the U.S. military responded.
More at the link. I didn't know what to think of it. Today the story was picked up by the Telegraph - re British nuclear weapons sites:
Col Charles Halt said he saw a UFO at the former military base RAF Bentwaters, near Ipswich, 30 years ago, during which he saw beams of light fired into the base then heard on the military radio that aliens had landed inside the nuclear storage area.

He said: "I believe that the security services of both the United States and the United Kingdom have attempted - both then and now - to subvert the significance of what occurred at RAF Bentwaters by the use of well-practised methods of disinformation."
The testimony was supposed to take place today. I'll defer any commentary, except to say I'd be delighted if it's true.

300 more views for 77777


Snagit Capture by SHOEMAK38, on Flickr

shoemak38 wrote:300 more views for 77777


Snagit Capture by SHOEMAK38, on Flickr

I'm working on it!

Teacher: If I give you 2 cats and another 2 cats and another 2, how many will you have?

Johnny: Seven, Sir.

Teacher: No, listen carefully...

If I give you 2 cats, and another 2 cats and another 2, how many will you have?

Johnny: Seven, Sir.

Teacher: Let me put it to you differently.

If I gave you 2 apples, and another 2 apples and another 2, how many would you have?

Johnny: Six.

Teacher: Good. Now if I give you 2 cats, and another 2 cats and another 2, how many would you have?

Johnny: Seven! SIR!

A very angry Teacher: Where in the hell do you get seven from?

A very angry Johnny: Because, I've already got one f*****' cat!!!

Jewish Grandma and Italian grandpa ! !


THE JEWISH GRANDMA

A Jewish grandmother is giving directions to
her grown grandson who is coming to visit with his wife.

"You come to the front door of the apartment building.
I am in apartment 301. There is a big panel at the front door. With
your elbow , push button 301. I will buzz you in. Come inside, the
elevator is on the right. Get in, and with your elbow, push 3. When
you get out, I'm on the left. With your elbow, hit my doorbell."

"Grandma that sounds easy, but, why am I
hitting all these buttons with my elbow? .........

"What . . . You're coming empty handed?"

______________________________________________


Wise Italian Grandpa

Why Italian Fathers and Grandfathers pass
their handguns down through the family.

An old Italian man is dying. He calls his
grandson to his bedside, Guido, I wan' you lissina me. I wan' you to
take-a my chrome plated ..38 revolver so you will always remember me."

"But grandpa, I really don't like guns. How
about you leave me your Rolex watch instead?"

"You lissina me, boy. Somma day you gonna be
runna da business, you gonna have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a
big-a home and maybe a couple of bambinos. "

"Somma day you gonna come-a home and maybe
finda you wife inna bed with another man." Whatta you gonna do then?
Pointa to you watch and say, 'time's up'?"

in honor of Florida Girl's key west trip:

Q. What did one saggy boob say to the other saggy boob?

A. We better get some support before people start thinking we're nuts!

A teenage granddaughter comes downstairs for her date with a see through blouse on and no bra. Her grandmother just pitched a fit, telling her not to dare go out like that!

The teenager tells her "Loosen up Grams. These are modern times. You got let your rosebuds show!" and out she goes.

The next day the teenager comes downstairs, and the grandmother is sitting here with no top on. The teenager wants to die. She explains to her grandmother that she has friends coming over and that it is just not appropriate...

The grandmother says, "Loosen up, Sweet. If you can show off your rosebuds, then I can display my hanging baskets."

Happy Gardening!!


jokesmay by SHOEMAK38, on Flickr

jokesmay by SHOEMAK38, on Flickr

Snagit Capture by SHOEMAK38, on Flickr

my sister-in-law who lives midtown in NYC send us this

- here's 52nd Street Project/Harvard grad/neighborhood girl Shirley Rumierk, with Armando Riesco - thanks for the much needed comic relief!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jV93uPptHlQ

All is well here at *****t, we've had lights, power, hot water, plenty of meals to share and FIVE no-school days in a row...it's been hectic but we're all fine. Hope this finds you all well and on the grid.

Subject: Depressed

Over five thousand years ago, Moses said to the children of Israel ,
"Pick up your shovels, mount your asses and camels, and I will lead
you to the Promised Land."

Nearly 75 years ago, (when Welfare was introduced) Roosevelt said,
"Lay down your shovels, sit on your asses, and light up a Camel, this
is the Promised Land."

Today, Congress has stolen your shovel, taxed your asses, raised the
price of Camels and mortgaged the Promised Land!

I was so depressed last night thinking about Health Care Plans, the
economy, the wars, lost jobs, savings, Social Security, retirement
funds, etc .... I called a Suicide Hotline.

I had to press 1 for English.

I was connected to a call center in Pakistan . I told them I was suicidal.

They got excited and asked if I could drive a truck......

Folks, we're screwed.

You might be a redneck if ....

You've ever had Thanksgiving dinner on a Ping-Pong table.

Thanksgiving dinner is squirrel and dumplings.

You've ever re-used a paper plate.

If you have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say Cool Whip on the side.

If you've ever used your ironing board as a buffet table.

Your turkey platter is an old hub cap.

Your best dishes have Dixie printed on them.

Your stuffing's secret ingredient comes from the bait shop.

Your only condiment on the dining room table is ketchup.

Side dishes include beef jerky and Moon Pies.

You have to go outside to get something out of the 'fridge.

The directions to your house include "turn off the paved road".

You consider pork and beans to be a gourmet food.

You have an Elvis Jell-o mold.

Your secret family recipe is illegal.

You serve Vienna Sausage as an appetizer.

A 93-year-old woman who was particularly despondent over the recent death of her husband, decided that she would just kill herself and join him in death. Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out his old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart since it was badly broken anyway. Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and a burden to someone, she called her doctor's office to inquire exactly where the heart would be on a woman.

The doctor said, "Your heart would be just below your left breast."

Later that night Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her knee.