USVI-On-Line

ready bad today
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MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYONE.


This is an article submitted to a 1999 Louisville Sentinel contest to find out who
had the wildest Christmas dinners. It won first prize.

Christmas With Louise:

As a joke,
my brother Jay used to hang a pair of panty hose over his fireplace before
Christmas. He said all he wanted was for Santa to fill them. What they say
about Santa checking the list twice must be true because every Christmas
morning, although Jay's kids' stockings overflowed, his poor pantyhose
hung sadly empty.

One year I decided to make his dream come true. I put on sunglasses and went in
search of an inflatable love doll. They don't sell those things at Wal-Mart. I had to go to an adult bookstore downtown. If you've never been in an X-rated store, don't go. You'll only confuse yourself. I was there an hour saying things like, "What does this do?" "You're kidding me!" "Who would buy that?" Finally, I made it to the inflatable doll section. I wanted to buy a standard, uncomplicated doll that could also substitute as a passenger in my truck so I could use the car pool lane during rush hour.

Finding
what I wanted was difficult. "Love Dolls" come in many different models.
The top of the line, according to the side of the box, could do things I'd
only seen in a book on animal husbandry. I settled for "Lovable Louise."
She was at the bottom of the price scale. To call Louise a "doll" took a
huge leap of imagination. On Christmas Eve and with the help of an old bicycle pump, Louise came to life. My sister-in-law was in on the plan and let me in during the wee morning hours. Long after Santa had come and gone, I filled the dangling pantyhose with Louise's pliant legs and bottom. I also ate some cookies and drank what remained of a glass of milk on a nearby tray. I went home, and giggled for a couple of hours.

The next morning my brother called to say that Santa had been to his house and left a present that had made him VERY happy but had left the dog confused.
She would bark, start to walk away, then come back and bark some more. We all agreed that Louise should remain in her panty hose so the rest of the family
could admire her when they came over for the traditional Christmas dinner.

My grandmother noticed Louise the moment she walked in the door. "What the
hell is that?" she asked. My brother quickly explained, "It's a doll."
"Who would play with something like that?" Granny snapped.

I kept my mouth shut. "Where are her clothes?" Granny continued. "Boy, that turkey sure smells nice, Gran," Jay said, to steer her into dining room. But Granny was relentless. "Why doesn't she have any teeth?" Again, I could have answered, but why would I? It was Christmas and no one wanted to ride in the back of the ambulance saying, "Hang on Granny, hang on!"


My grandfather, a delightful old man with poor eyesight, sidled up to me and
said, "Hey, who's the naked gal by the fireplace?" I told him she was
Jay's friend. A few minutes later I noticed Grandpa by the mantel, talking
to Louise. Not just talking, but actually flirting. It was then that we
realized this might be Grandpa's last Christmas at home.

The dinner went well. We made the usual small talk about who had died, who was dying, and who should be killed, when suddenly Louise made a noise like my father in the bathroom in the morning. Then she lurched from the mantel, flew
around the room twice, and fell in a heap in front of the sofa. The cat screamed. I passed cranberry sauce through my nose, and Grandpa ran across
the room, fell to his knees, and began administering mouth-to-mouth resuscitation.

My brother fell back over his chair and wet his pants.
Granny threw down her napkin, stomped out of the room, and sat in the car. It was indeed a Christmas to treasure and remember.
Later in my brother's garage, we conducted a thorough examination to decide the cause of Louise's collapse. We discovered that Louise had suffered from a hot
ember to the back of her right thigh.

Fortunately, thanks to a wonder drug called duct tape, we restored her to perfect health.

I can't wait until next Christmas.

Wal-Mart Wines

Wal-Mart announced that sometine in 2011 it will begin offering customers a new
discounted item....Wal-Mart’s own brand of wine.

The world’s largest chain is rumored to be teaming up with Ernest & Julio Gallo of California
to produce the spirits at an affordable price in the $2 to $5 range. Wine connoisseurs may not
be inclined to put a bottle of the Wal-Mart brand into their shopping carts, but "There is a market
for inexpensive wine" said Kathy Micken, Professor of Marketing at the University of Arkansas.
"However, branding will be very important."

Customer surveys were conducted to determine the most attractive name for the Walmart wine
brands and varieties.

The top surveyed names in order of popularity were:

10. Chateau Traileur Parc
9. White Trashfindel
8. Big Red Gulp
7. World Championship Riesling
6. NASCARbernet
5. Chef Boyardeaux
4. Peanut Noir
3. I Can't Believe it's not Vinegar
2. Grape Expectation
1. Nasti Spumante

The beauty of Wal-Mart wine is that it can be served with either white meat (Possum) or
red meat (Squirrel).

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Typical British Humor

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kAG39jKi0lI


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Puns for Educated Minds


-- The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.
He acquired his size from too much pi.


-- I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian .


-- She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.


-- A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.


-- No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.


-- A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.


-- A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.


-- Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.


-- A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.


-- Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.


-- Atheism is a non-prophet organization.


-- Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other: 'You stay here; I'll go on a head.'


-- I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.


-- A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.'


-- The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.


-- The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.


-- A backward poet writes inverse.


-- In a democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.


-- When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.


-- If you jumped off the bridge in Paris , you'd be in Seine .


-- A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, 'I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.'


-- Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says 'Dam!'


-- Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

-- Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, 'I've lost my electron.' The other says 'Are you sure?' The first replies, 'Yes, I'm positive.'


-- Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.


-- There was the person who sent ten puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.

Ohmigosh Silverheels... I love that kind of silliness! You may see a line or two showing up as my Facebook status now and then! LOL!

If you jumped off the bridge in Paris , you'd be in Seine .


Silverheels on a snowly NE day I love to read jokes

Glad you enjoyed the puns. Snowy day in CT, housebound for the day. Thankfully no power outages so I can get on the forum and dream of STJ.

i have cabin fever so Thursday will be a day early this week
From UK Very Very Not Politically Correct

In a pub quiz the other day I lost by one point. The question was where do women mostly have curly hair? Apparently, it's Africa


There's a new Muslim clothing shop opened in Northeast Calgary but I've been banned from it after asking to look at some bomber jackets


The red cross have just knocked at our door and ask if we could help towards the floods in Pakistan I said we would love to, but our garden hose only reaches the bottom of the driveway


Being a modest man, when I checked into my hotel on a recent trip, I said to the lady at the registration desk ..."I hope the porn channel in my room is disabled." To which she replied, "No, it's regular porn, you sick bastard.”


Just put a deposit down on a brand new Porsche & mentioned it on FaceBook. I said "I can't wait for the new 911 to arrive !" Next thing I know 4000 Muslims have added me as a friend !!


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It's cabin fever that made me post this weeks in very poor taste jokes


Women !?!



I spent $5000 on a boob job for the wife.
She was delighted.

I spent another $2700 on a nose job for her.
She was ecstatic.

I spent $2200 on liposuction for her
and she was over the moon.

I spent $100 on a BJ for myself
and she goes frigging mental on me.

Women ............. ?

By the way. We are very thrifty in DK. We use plastic bags as sledges. Sorry don't have a pic.

Linne

A winter story:


Did you ever wonder why there are no dead penguins on the ice in  Antarctica  - where do they go ? 
                                   
 Wonder no more . . .

It is a known fact that the penguin is a very ritualistic. A bird which lives an extremely ordered and complex life.   The penguin is very committed to its family and will mate for life, as well as maintaining a form of compassionate contact with its offspring throughout its life. 

If a penguin is found dead on the ice surface, other members of the family and social circle will dig holes in  the ice, using their vestigial wings and beaks, until the hole is deep enough for the dead bird to be rolled into and buried. The penguins then gather around the fresh grave and sing: 

                          "Freeze a jolly good fellow"
   
                          "Freeze a jolly good fellow." 

  
                          "Then they kick him in the ice hole." 
                         

Patr - groaaaannnn!

Since more and more Seniors are texting and tweeting, there appears to be a
need for a revised STC (Senior Texting Code). Here are some examples...

ATD: At The Doctor's
BFF: Best Friend Farted
BTW: Bring The Wheelchair
BYOT: Bring Your Own Teeth
CBM: Covered By Medicare
CUATSC: See You At The Senior Center
DWI: Driving While Incontinent
FWB: Friend With Beta Blockers
FWIW: Forgot Where I Was
FYI: Found Your Insulin
GGPBL: Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low!
GHA: Got Heartburn Again
HGBM: Had Good Bowel Movement
IMHO: Is My Hearing-Aid On?
LMDO: Laughing My Dentures Out
LOL: Living On Lipitor
LWO: Lawrence Welk's On
OMMR: On My Massage Recliner
OMSG: Oh My! Sorry, Gas.
ROFL... CGU: Rolling On The Floor Laughing... And Can't Get Up
TTYL: Talk To You Louder
WAITT: Who Am I Talking To?
WTP: Where's The Prunes?
WWNO: Walker Wheels Need Oil