USVI-On-Line

Posted: **Sat Dec 11, 2010 6:52 pm**

Merry Christmas PIA

<a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/27134057@N04/5250325270/" title="jokes dec by SHOEMAK38, on Flickr"><img src="http://farm6.static.flickr.com/5007/525 ... 083c_b.jpg" width="1024" height="709" alt="jokes dec"></a>

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Posted: **Thu Dec 16, 2010 12:02 pm**

An 86-year-old man goes for a physical.
All of his test results come back normal.

The doctor says, " Gary everything looks great.
How are you doing mentally and emotionally?
Are you at peace with God?"

Gary replies, "God and I are tight.

He knows I have poor eyesight, so he's fixed it so
when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the
bathroom, *poof* the light goes on. When I'm done,
*poof* the light goes off."

"Wow, that's incredible," the doctor says.

A little later in the day, the doctor calls Gary 's wife.
"Marianne, he says, Gary is doing fine but I had to call
you because I'm in awe of his relationship with God.
Is it true that he gets up during the night and *poof *
the light goes on in the bathroom, and when he's
done, *poof* the light goes off?"
"OH MY!" Marianne exclaims.!!!!"

"He's peeing in the refrigerator again."

Posted: **Thu Dec 16, 2010 12:06 pm**

Friendship ~ None of that Sissy Shit

Are you tired of those sissy 'friendship' poems that always sound good, but never actually come close to reality?

Well, here is a series of promises that actually speak of true friendship.

You will see no cute little smiley faces on this
~ Just the stone cold truth of our great friendship.

1.. When you are sad ~ I will help you get drunk and plot revenge against the sorry bastard who made you sad.

2. When you are blue ~ I will try to dislodge whatever is choking you.

3 When you smile ~ I will know you are thinking of something that I would probably want to be involved in.

4. When you are scared ~ I will rag on you about it every chance I get until you're NOT.

5. When you are worried ~ I will tell you horrible stories about how much worse it could be until you quit whining.

6. When you are confused ~ I will try to use only little words.

7.. When you are sick ~ Stay the hell away from me until you are well again. I don't want whatever you have.

8. When you fall ~ I will laugh at your clumsy ass, but I'll help you up.

9. This is my oath .... I pledge it to the end. 'Why?' you may ask ~ because you are my friend.

Friendship is like peeing your pants, everyone can see it, but only you can feel the true warmth.

Posted: **Thu Dec 16, 2010 12:08 pm**

No one believes seniors . . . everyone thinks they are senile.
An elderly couple was celebrating their sixtieth anniversary. The couple had married as childhood sweethearts and had moved back to their old neighborhood after they retired. Holding hands, they walked back to their old school. It was not locked, so they entered, and found the old desk they’d shared, where Andy had carved “I love you, Sally .”
On their way back home, a bag of money fell out of an armored car, practically landing at their feet. Sally quickly picked it up and, not sure what to do with it, they took it home. There, she counted the money -
fifty thousand dollars!
Andy said, “We’ve got to give it back.”
Sally said, “Finders keepers.” She put the money back in the bag and hid it in their attic.

The next day, two police officers were canvassing the neighborhood looking for the money, and knocked on their door. “Pardon me, did either of you find a bag that fell out of an armored car yesterday?”
Sally said, “No”.
Andy said, “She’s lying. She hid it up in the attic.
Sally said, “Don’t believe him, he’s getting senile”
The agents turned to Andy and began to question him. One said: “Tell us the story from the beginning.”
Andy said, “Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday ....”
The first police officer turned to his partner and said, “We’re outta here!”

Posted: **Thu Dec 16, 2010 8:10 pm**

Posted: **Mon Dec 20, 2010 10:02 pm**

Posted: **Mon Dec 20, 2010 10:03 pm**

Posted: **Tue Dec 21, 2010 3:55 pm**

shoemak38 wrote:<a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/27134057@N04/5279315694/" title="jokes dec by SHOEMAK38, on Flickr"><img src="http://farm6.static.flickr.com/5243/527 ... 7b88_b.jpg" width="807" height="600" alt="jokes dec"></a>

Wishing the same for you. Hoping that you will bring smiles on my face next year too.

Linne

Posted: **Mon Dec 27, 2010 5:19 pm**

Posted: **Tue Dec 28, 2010 7:40 pm**

shoemak38, Where did you get those cartoons, are they The Far Side cards? Gotta have them, too funny. Thanks for the laugh, Happy New Year, Laura

Posted: **Thu Dec 30, 2010 12:45 pm**

When it says you only have 8 seconds to answer the question, they aren't kidding ! You better be quick!!!!

This is VERY FAST , so be prepared.
You only have 8 seconds for each question.
Click on the Smart or stoopid and have fun!

http://www.flashbynight.com/test/

Reaction Test

The driving manual says the average driver's reaction time is .75 seconds or 1 car length for every 10mph. Test your average reaction time.

Be careful this can be addictive! You will be surprised at how slow you really are!

http://www.bbc.co.uk/science/humanbody/ ... rsion5.swf

________________________________________

Posted: **Thu Dec 30, 2010 12:47 pm**

Boobs and Willies

*A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father, "Dad,
how many kinds of boobs are there?"

The father, surprised, answers, "Well, son, a woman goes through three
phases. In her 20s, a woman's boobs are like melons, round and firm.
In her 30s to 40s, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit.
After 50, they are like onions".

"Onions?"

"Yes, you see them and they make you cry."

This infuriated his wife and daughter, so the daughter said, "Mom, how
many kinds of 'willies' are there?"

The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, "Well dear, a man goes
through three phases also. In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree,
mighty and hard. In his 30s and 40s, it is like a birch, flexible but
reliable. After his 50s, it is like a Christmas tree".

"A Christmas tree?"

"Yes --- dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration*

Posted: **Thu Jan 06, 2011 12:11 pm**

From our friends up North

Newfoundland Simplicity

Two Newfies, Larry and Doug, are sitting at their favourite bar drinking beer.

Larry turns to Doug and says, 'You know, I'm tired of going through life without an education. Tomorrow I think I'll go to the Community College and sign up for some classes.'

Doug thinks it's a good idea and the two leave.

The next day, Larry goes down to the college and meets Dean of Admissions, who signs him up for the four basic classes: Math, English, history, and Logic.

'Logic?' Larry says. 'What's that?'

The dean says, 'I'll give you an example. Do you own a weed eater?'

'Yeah.'

'Then logically speaking, because you own a weed eater, I think that you would have a yard.'

'That's true, I do have a yard.'

'I'm not done,' the dean says. 'Because you have a yard, I think logically that you would have a house.'

'Yes, I do have a house.'

'And because you have a house, I think that you might logically have a family.'

'Yes, I have a family.

'I'm not done yet. Because you have a family, then logically you must have a wife. And because you have a wife, then logic tells me you must be a heterosexual.'

'I am a heterosexual. That's amazing, you were able to find out all of that because I have a weed eater.'

Excited to take the class now, Larry shakes the Dean's hand and leaves to go meet Doug at the bar. He tells Doug about his classes, how he is signed up for Math, English, History, and Logic.

'Logic? ' Doug says, 'What's that?'

Larry says, 'I'll give you an example. Do you have a weed eater?'

'No.'

'Then you're queer.'

Posted: **Thu Jan 06, 2011 12:15 pm**

This one crosses the line a little for what I would post on this forum
Job Application...............Tyrone applied for a fork lift operator job at a famous firm based in Detroit. A white man applied for the same job and since both applicants had similar qualifications, they were asked to take a test and led to a quiet room with no interruptions by the Manager.

When the results were in, both men had scored 19 out of 20.

The manager went to Tyrone and said, "Thank you for coming to the interview, but we've decided to give the white guy the job."

Tyrone, "And why would you be doing that, are you a racist? We both got 19 questions right? This being Detroit and me being Black surely I should get the job."

Manager, “We have made our decision not on the correct answers, but on the question you got wrong."

Tyrone said, “Tell me now, how would one incorrect answer be better than another?"

Manager, “Simple. On question number 7 the white guy wrote down, 'I don't know.'
You put down, 'Neither do I.'

Posted: **Thu Jan 06, 2011 6:11 pm**

USVI-On-Line

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