USVI-On-Line

I feel for you and feel the way the rest do.

My husband and I have had to work hard for everything. We saw friends get way over their heads buying things and taking every single loan that they could. We could have had a nicer house, more stuff, better cars etc. also because we could have gotten the loans. Instead we chose to not over do it so we would have some savings.
I feel no sympathy for people who did this to themselves.
Kick them out!

pipanale wrote:"Tell them all to go walk a mile in our shoes"

I have walked a mile in your shoes, several miles until the shoes wore out. Things will only change for the worse. (although I truly hope for your sake that K & M are the exception)

You do have a choice in the situation, do you want to take care of your family first or their family (meaning the couple) first?

I have walked a mile in your shoes--and it was painful. very painful. and it was family. No one here knows me, but I am pretty easy and really a sucker for a hard luck story--I have had many person seek shelter in my home. But for the grace of God and all that..... But you have to know when to say no and mean no. Especially if this guy is in any way an addict. Youi don't need your family around that (as i am sure you would agree)
These people need a plan to move on. I can't say what is going on there , but it sounds like you and your wife are feeling guilty for something you have no power to control--if , as you say, this guy is really someone who would steal from family, then what would he do to you guys?
I don'tthink anyone here has offered anything but their best advice (and also gave you alot of credit for dealing with the situation)--You have proven to be a very very decent human being to go to the lengths that you have.
but you are being taken advantage of. They need a plan to get back on their feet--and they need to find alternative housing while they do that -- there are shelters and social services for persons who find themselves in this situation.
You and your wife have done yeoman service--you have done what you can for persons in a crisis situation. But you are not DSS and you have your own lives and livelihoods to be concerned with. Now it is time for them to pick up their lives and move on--
Trust me when i say i truly understand how hard this is.

Pip - I've tiptoed just a teeny bit in your shoes, with a B-I-L who still borrows gas money from his parents (my in-laws) and occassionally moves in with them when he runs out of money. (We stopped loaning him money years ago.) He's in his 50s, so he's been doing this for decades. Why? Because he can, because my M-I-L is a softy who lets him. If they laid down the law 20 years ago, he might have learned some responsibility by now. I love my in-laws, but I believe that they are enablers of his behavior because he's never told the 'rules of engagement' for living in their house.

I understand your angst over the thought of kicking these people out. (I may be in the same situation someday when my in-laws are gone (they're 80) and B-I-L comes knocking. DH and I have already discussed this, because it will probably be about the time we're paying for 2 kids in college.) But at the very least, they absolutely need some rules. You are providing a roof, but you aren't their babysitters or parents. They should at a minimum be taking care of their own cooking, cleaning, and laundry. Beyond that they should be helping out in a small effort to repay you for your kindness, whether mowing the lawn, painting the basement, or whatever.

I hope this doesn't sound preachy. I'm actually reminding myself of all the rules I may have to lay down someday in my own home. Good luck to you all!

PS -- There's probably no tactful way to ask them about this, but I hope to God that they're using birth control. It's probably the only thing I'd be willing to purchase for them because it would be horrible if she got pregnant now.

I was helping at our church's shelter program last weekend, and one of the guests was a baby. Unfortunately I was there at clean up time, so it's when all the guests have to leave. It breaks your heart to see a little baby carried outside to who knows where? You want to take them all home, but you just can't.

Sorry, I agree with PA girl...your family should come first...and they're NOT family....

sea-nile wrote:I feel for you and feel the way the rest do.

My husband and I have had to work hard for everything. We saw friends get way over their heads buying things and taking every single loan that they could. We could have had a nicer house, more stuff, better cars etc. also because we could have gotten the loans. Instead we chose to not over do it so we would have some savings.
I feel no sympathy for people who did this to themselves.
Kick them out!

My wife and I were just talking about this last night. We bought what we could afford and lots of people out there bought what they could not afford. Now we are all going to be stuck paying for it one way or another. I am sorry though, there would have been ground rules set from day one when they came knocking on my door. Would I have let them in, probably, but there sure would be an exit plan. Its my house (your house in your case ) and a guest of my house (that I can afford) is going to live under my rules....period. I really think you need to implement some tough love here. Otherwise you are going to be on their shortlist of people they can rely on as a safety net.

OK jerkies. You're firing me up. The Mrs and I have spoken and, come hell or high water, we need to talk to them tonight...have, as I called it, "The Adult Talk".

What's funny about this is that I don't think they realize what they're doing. Maybe that's how people like this act. Maybe they just think I'm crankier than usual.

Part of the problem with our inability to talk this out is that I'm just wasted from work. I don't have the energy to handle this. But, as I always tell myself and anyone who will listen, if you don't do it, who will?

Which brings us back to the root of this problem...if you don't take responsibility for your actions, won't someone always be there to bail you out?

Oh...it doesn't work that way?

GOOD!!!! I think you'll feel much better tomorrow...hopefully they'll "get it"...

Pip....

You really need to get this talk over with. This is not fair to you, your wife OR your child.

Obviously, these people have some big problems. When I read that "he" has taken some medication from someone else, I knew it was bad. You CANNOT trust somebody like that in your house. Believe me, I've been there. I have had jewelry taken, my debit card taken and used (my fault), even had some very sentimental pieces taken and pawned.

It's really a sad situation and I don't mean that I feel sorry for them. They have to take some responsiblity for themeselves and stop being moochers.

Believe me, you're doing them a favor by getting them out of your house. They'll find a way.

pipanale wrote: What's funny about this is that I don't think they realize what they're doing. Maybe that's how people like this act.

You hit the nail on the head, bro.

I had a mooch roommate for a while that was harder to get rid of than a virus, and he never "got" that any of the crap he pulled was wrong - just told everyone that I was like a mother hen!

Hope the talk goes well for you folks.

Pip, Since it seems like you have come to the place where you know you must now have "the talk" a technique which was taught to me by a very wise woman who deals professionally with people like this is, decide on a simple phrase which is authentic and speaks your truth, like "this is no longer working for us and we need to ask you to find another palce by ( fill in date) . Then just repeat that no matter what they say.
Example, Q: where are we going to go?
A: This is no longer working for us and we need to ask you to find another place by ( fill in date).
Q: How will we pay for it?
A: I don't know but "this is no longer working for us and we need to ask you to find another place by ( fill in date).
Q: Why are you doing this to us?
A: Im sorry but "this is no longer working for us and we need to ask you to find another place by ( fill in date).

Dysfuntional people like your feinds don't have friends and family they take hostages!

Trust me it works and is a tested technique for having a diffcult conversation. thye most important thing is not to engage them, just repeat the phrase. It may sound harsh, but it is actually a loving way to deal with them, because you are speaking fronm your truth.

Good luck you are about to do a hard but necessary thing!

Pip, I wish you the very best with your talk tonight. Sailorgirls' advice is excellent. Good luck!

I'm having bad flashbacks. Good luck and good riddance.

Cheers, RickG

Remember, no one on this board said it would be easy, just that it has to be done.

If you continue to offer assistance then ground rules have to be laid out.

If they don't like the groud rules then you have reason to ask them to leave.

Unfortunatley, there are people out there who:

1. Missed the gratitude class and don't know any better. In sum: IGNORANT. They just need someone nice to point things out to them. The truth can hurt at first but they are better off knowing the reality of the situation. These people are rare and are more likely...

2. JERKS. They know better but are lazy and/or don't care. They will become very defensive when confronted and will turn things around to make you look bad and make you feel guilty. Addicts (alcoholics), sociopaths, liars and some of those with chemical imbalances fall into this category. These people are energy suckers and are bad juju. As long as they can get away with something, they will.

I hope you have a case of the #1's. Sounds like you have one of each.

My MIL had two #1's at her house twice for several months each time but never confronted them or laid down ground rules. There relationship has been soured forever.