USVI-On-Line

Marcia,
I agree..."this too shall pass". That was my mother's favorite saying.

We should all look at 'parenting 101' and then take a look at the technology that has happened in the last 50 years. Technology makes parenting a whole new ballgame.

I had great respect for my parents. They spoiled me terribly and I wasn't very kind to them in high school. My first year in college I saved enough money teaching figure skating to buy them their first real stereo system for Christmas. I'll never forget seeing my Dad's eyes tear up for the first time in my life.

Raising two girls wasn't easy, but now in their middle to late 20's they get it and we're all friends. It's fun to hear the stories they tell us now about how they were sneaking out the basement windows in high school after we would go to bed, etc.
Or how they would spy on us sneaking in, a bit intoxicated, after a party at "our" friends.

The tables turned to friendship around their sophmore year in college.

Hang in there Marcia!

Odd, Craigslist doesn't have a category for selling children. That ain't right.

It’s interesting to read your ”stories” about relationship between parents and children, and I think
that some of the stories are universal, even though mine is not completely similar with the others here.

I‘m an only child, and my parents loved me nearly too much. Although they had many friends, I always came in first row. Sometimes I felt it as a burden, and it gave me bad conscience, because I couldn’t repay their wholehearted love in the same scale. They also liked hubby very much, and they adored our son. I/we always treated them well, helped them, when they needed it, and we were often together with them. But I never felt it as enough.

I promised myself that I wouldn’t be the same self-sacrificing mother for my son, he shouldn’t feel any guilt to us. But I have to say. It’s very difficult! We behave in nearly the same way as my parents did. Hubby’s parents were different, but he too is more like my parents. And both of us were “nice” as children, and it’s also the same with our son. We never have had any “revolt”. But I’m not sure, if that’s the best or not!

Linne

Pete (Mr. Marcia) wrote:Odd, Craigslist doesn't have a category for selling children. That ain't right.

LOL! Pete - I was just telling a friend yesterday "If you sell them on e-bay, it's gotta be legal, right"

I've never come to terms with my parents. My dad was emotionlly and physically abusive. I got regurlar beatings, humiliation, and verbal abuse. Example....when I was about 9, my dad bought me a watch for Christmas. I was too sick with the flu to get out of bed, so he dragged me out of bed, beat me, and made me open my watch. When I was a freshman in high school my band took a trip to New Orleans to march in a parade. He took me to school that morning and when I got out of the car, I slipped on a curb and busted my knee wide open. He beat me in front of all my friends and left me crying on the ground. There are countless stories like this. My mom was always weak and depressed. She went away for a while when I was about 5 or 6. My family told me it was my fault because I was a bad girl. A therapist asked me to imagine a happy time when I was a kid. I couldn't think of one. My dad died 10 years ago, and my mom and I get along fine, but we never talk about what dad did to us or anything of any meaning for that matter. Just stuff like the weather, or what she's cooking, or her garden. My parents never once, that I can remember, told me they loved me.

I've gone totally the opposite direction with my own kids and love them almost too much. I don't want history to repeat itself. But I know they love me with all their heart, and I feel like I'm blessed to have that bond with them. I don't feel sorry for myself for my childhood. I know lots of people have had it worse than me. I guess it's theraputic to write it down though. My brother and I actually joke about the way we were raised, but he and his wife decided to never have children. She was raised by an abusive mother, and her dad left them when she was a baby.

My dad also fought in WWII and was shot by friendly fire and spent a year in a hospital. He's was also a very hot tempered Italian. I'm sure his background had a lot to do with how he raised his kids and treated his wife. I tried to be perfect, but he wanted more than perfect. He wanted a little princess he could put in a box and pull out when he wanted to "show me off". He needed me to make himself look good. He wasn't all bad. He gave to people in need all the time and was a hard worker and did his best to provide for his family. He just sucked as a dad and husband.

Cypressgirl: I am glad to see you back!

You may not feel sorry for yourself but I have to be honest that you have my sympathy. It breaks my heart. It is interesting how sometimes people become the “victim” of their environment and others use it to make them stronger. I think it is great how you broke the cycle and have a good relationship with your children.

It is interesting that you and your Mom do not talk about it. It is kinda like the elephant in the room, huh? My sister and my niece have a little bit of an elephant and my niece they have never talked about it. She is 17 and doesn’t know who her Dad is. She asked me who he is this weekend and I honestly do not know (this is the first time she has ever brought it up--I wondered how she felt but never asked--how could I? I don't have the answers she needs). My sister is very closed off about it and she tells me that she has good reason for it. BUT that poor little girl. It guess I just have to trust my sister but I can't imagine how hard it is for both of them.

GG

I was unlucky because my parents divorced when I was 10...typical 70's divorce stuff...there were four kids, we got split 50/50...two with mom two older ones with dad. I was out of control for ten years after that...maybe it is a bad excuse for alot of good/bad times...

I am lucky because I have respectable and loving parents who never gave up on me and were always there for me. I lived with my mom through the teenage years...that was ugly.

My mom and I have been best friends since I hit about 20 or so she's the bestest mom I could ever have. My dad is a good respectable man but he isn't there for anyone emotinally...he had a tough childhood.

I have great relationships with both now but the teens and early 20's were rough. Having kids is a big game changer for sure too...I was in mid thirties though...
Peace

out of control you say...

I remember cutting school in the fifth grade and hopping a train with a friend...didn't really know where we were going...my son is now in fifth grade ...and I haven't told him that story...I think I'll wait a while for that...

I thought I HAD done it better, until last year when my daughter was 19 and went off the deep end. Now I don't know. I hope so.

[/quote]
Minde, you did do it better and never doubt yourself or your parenting abilities.

My daughter was an only child in a single parent home, she blamed me for everything that ever happened in her life and I let her, I walked around w/so much guilt, it's amazing I could stand !! Then a few yrs ago,I said enough and told her I was not taking anymore from her. Didn't contact her for 3 mos, my DH would call so could speak to the GKs but when she got on the phone,I would get off. She finally called me this call was very diff. Since then,we've slowly have grown better.BTW shes 32 yrs old. Lives in Ga.now.
So love her but don't let her wear you down & stay strong,they will thank you in the end.

As for the original topic, my mom was my best friend all my life and am truly grateful for all she did, good or bad. Both parents passed away Thanksgivng week 1990 and it still hurts & miss her terribly..

Great topic Marcia and great responses.

I had an interesting childhood and my mom committed suicide when I was 13. She attempted it many times prior to actually being sucessful (if you want to call it that). I know she had some mental illness, but I also know she had a difficult childhood and I, in a way, understand her decision. She did the best she could and was very loving and nurturing when she could be. I am just sad that she isn't around for me now and to see how things could have been.

My parents were divorced prior to this and my Dad was the fun guy who would take us on weekends. He is pretty selfish and I am seeing it even more so as he ages - it might also be the alcoholism which is becoming so much worse. I also think that he did the best he could and still does to an extent.

I now have a child who was adopted at 2 1/2 who is currently 13. He can't stand to have any relationship with me or my husband and it is heartbreaking. This has been pretty much from the beginning, not a teenage thing. We have done so much for him and I have struggled with guilt over the last 10 years. I really hope that as others have responded, that he will realize how much we have tried to love him and help him - maybe when he's 20 or 30....

My other son, also adopted, loves us unconditionally at the moment but he is only 11! He makes it all worth it!

I so agree with Cypressgirl in that you can make yourself a victim of your childhood or become a better and stronger person because of it. I think we all carry some baggage, but as I know my parents did, I hope my kids know that I am doing the best I can.

The responses here are affirmation that crappy childhoods tend to make us stronger people and not perpetuate our bad experiences in our own lives. My parents divorced when I was 6 and brother 3. We lived with my mother's parents. When I was 11, my mother moved to FL to live with her boyfriend, leaving us with unstable grandmother and grandfather who didn't rock the boat. Our growing up years were pretty miserable, no physical abuse but lots of mental abuse. Always heard what a favor grandmother was doing us by letting her raise us and what losers our parents were. Our dad was never in our lives growing up. I got married at 18 because S/O wanted to get me out of my home situation. In retrospect, we probably would have waited if home had been better. My brother got out after HS and joined the Air Force. My relationship with my mother has always been reversed. I was the adult and she was the child. She never felt that anyone loved her and always found fault with everything, including her grandchildren. She passed in 2000. My dad lives a half mile from us and we are amicable. I always end my conversations to kids with "I love you" because we didn't get any of that affirmation growing up.

These stories are very moving! I've got to call my Mom today and tell her thank you!

greyhoundmom wrote:The responses here are affirmation that crappy childhoods tend to make us stronger people and not perpetuate our bad experiences in our own lives.

I think a challenging upbrining makes the strong people stronger and the weak ones weaker.

I intimately know four sets of siblings that had really crappy childhoods.

Some are doing a 1000x better than anyone could have ever imagined, the others are at the same, if not worse, spot in life as their own parents. (worse because they should know better but repeat the patterns anyway)

I think what we are finding in this thread is the first group - the ones that are actively choosing a better life, who are involved in positive life activities like STJ!

I'm a little late but I have to say I'm very moved by all of these stories, and why people did or didn't come to terms with our parents. Thanks to everyone for sharing-- it's a privilege to be given the perspective of others.

To answer Marcia's question, I'd have to say I was in my early twenties when I finally realized all my mom had done for me. She was a single mother, not by choice, with two kids under 6 at 29 and honestly spent the next 20 years of her life working hard for one thing: my sister and me. I grew up with a great family life and luckily had a lot of extended family close by to "replace" the missing cards in the hand life dealt us. I remember being grateful for that early-on, just knowing there were people there when I needed them. That didn't mean I didn't push back on just about everything between the ages of 13 and 17. And there is just something about life with teenage girls and their mother-- it is HARD.

I was Miss Independent, couldn't wait to do and know everything, and already knew it better than my mother, of course. I got a job the day I turned 15 and could get a work permit. I paid for my own car, my own clothes, everything, just because I could. I took all the tests and applied early to college. I got into several schools and took my pick. I was ready to go. My mother never said a word against any of it. Never told me I didn't know what I was doing (I didn't), and limited the unsolicited advice. She supported me in a way that brings me to tears to this day just thinking about it.

And then I spent my first semester away, and I was miserable. I wasn't ready, I wasn't in the right place, I hated the school and the people and nothing was like I'd imagined or planned. I called my mom the day after my 19th birthday and asked to come home (after swearing I wouldn't ever). She said of course, and I broke down and told her I was so sorry for knowing everything and never asking for help, never realizing I had something to learn from her. I spent the next semester of school at home, learning to grow up, and then moved out for good. My mom is the only reason I was able to stop and rebuild.

So, yes, it comes sometimes. I have to agree with Vicki, though, in that I think we have to push away and be pushed in order to figure it out. A thousand people could have told me that I wasn't ready, that just because I could balance a checkbook and pay for car insurance didn't mean I was worldly, but I wouldn't have listened. I had to get there on my own. And thank God my mother knew enough to let me, and thank God I got to thank her for it.

wow....I'm at work and tearing up reading all these comments. Why? well because I have a 19 yr old daughter...and I am waiting for the aha moment from her.

Thanks for letting me know you all a little better. And giving me hope that someday, she too will realize her potential and turn into that wonderful, happy, girl I know lives inside.

I was a pretty easy teen, good grades, and scholarships. Sure, I rebelled some, but in a quiet, sneaky way-- I did not get in my parents faces about it. So, I thought. My mom wouldn’t agree.

My parents were strict. I had a 10 pm curfew my senior year. My mom and I were never "close". She just didn’t put up with my drama, and withdrew. We moved alot. I was the oldest, and nothing short of perfection was acceptable. I thought these were the reasons for all my teen angst. I swore I would not be that way with my own kids. And that would make me a better parent--with better kids. Nice plan, but it didn't really work....

I had a “good” relationship with my parents one I was married and starting my family. But, I did not really "get it" until I had a crazy teen of my own. That’s when my mom and I truly became friends. I remember calling my mom in tears and apologizing for all the attitude I had given her. Yes, alot of memories can back when I was reliving it with my own daughter. What is it about moms and daughters? I just hope I don’t have to wait until she is 40 to really appreciate me.

My parents were good parents. I truly appreciate and respect them for all they did and continue to do for me. My mom has been there for me in ways I wouldn’t have imagined. She is and has been my biggest supporter as I have dealt with a difficult teen. And she held down the fort last week so hubby and I could go to STJ!