USVI-On-Line

One third of Britons still take a teddy bear to bed.

More than half of Britons still have a teddy bear from childhood and the average teddy bear is 27 years old, the poll found.
Travelodge, the hotel chain, surveyed 6,000 British adults and found that respondents said sleeping with a teddy a “comforting and calming” way to end the day.

The survey also found that 25 per cent of men said they even took their teddy away with them on business because it reminded them of home.

Travelodge said that in the past year staff have reunited more than 75,000 teddies and their owners.
Spokesman Shakila Ahmed said: “Interestingly the owners have not just been children, we have had a large number of frantic businessmen and women call us regarding their forgotten teddy bear.”

Corrine Sweet, a psychologist, said cuddling a teddy bear was an ‘important part of our national psyche’.

She said: “It evokes a sense of peace, security and comfort. It’s human nature to crave these feelings from childhood to adult life.
“It’s not surprising, then, that taking a teddy bear on a business trip is popular. As a bedtime bear evokes feelings of home, warmth, and can help you nod off – just like in babyhood.”

The study also found that the traditional teddy bear was the most popular cuddly toy among adults, with Winnie the Pooh second and Paddington Bear third.

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This article explains a lot about Britons and their odd behaviors compared to more civilized nations

This article also evokes a list of Top Ten questions in my mind:
1) If you are a business man or woman calling Travelodge to reclaim a teddy bear...wouldn't you say it was your child that lost it?
2) At Heathrow, just like for your shoes and jacket, do they make you take the bear out of your carry-on and put it separately on the conveyor belt?
3) Are these bears inflatable?
4) Would you put a tag with your name and phone number on the bear so that someone could call you if you lose it?
5) Better yet, do people implant locators and identifying chips on their bears like they do for the pets?
6) Can you wear these bears, like pajamas, and go to furry parties?
7) What percentage of marriages fail because one spouse spends more time hugging the bear than the other spouse?
Is this the undisclosed reason behind 'sexless marriages?'
9) What do you do to the dog if it eats/destroys your bear?
10) What do you do to your spouse if they throw away your bear because "it's just an old, decrepit childhood toy"?

and a bonus...

11) Does seeing both parents hugging a bear while they are sleeping (approximately 11% of homes) cause permanent psychological damage to children? (This one in part is for Dr. Rossy, although I think we all know the answer

THE MIRACLE OF TOILET PAPER
Fresh from my shower, I stand in front of the mirror complaining to my Husband that my breasts are too small.. Instead of characteristically Telling me it's not so, he uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion.
If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet Paper and rub it between them for a few seconds. 'Willing to try anything, I fetch a piece of toilet paper and stand in Front of the mirror, rubbing it between my breasts.. 'How long will this take?' I asked.
They will grow larger over a period of years,' my husband replies.
I Stopped. 'Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the years?'
Without Missing a beat he says, 'Worked for your butt, didn't it?'
He's still alive, and with a great deal of therapy, he may even walk again, although he will probably continue to take his meals through a straw.
Stupid, stupid man

A Day in the Life
The Dog’s Diary
8:00 am - Dog food! My favorite thing!9:30 am - A car ride! My favorite thing!9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favorite thing! 10:30 am - Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!12:00 pm - Milk bones! My favorite thing!1:00 pm - Played in the yard! My favorite thing!3:00 pm - Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!5:00 pm - Dinner! My favorite thing!7:00 pm - Got to play ball! My favorite thing!8:00 pm - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favorite thing!11:00 pm - Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!
The Cat’s Diary
Day 983 of My Captivity
• My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength.
• The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomited on the carpet. Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates my capabilities. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a “good little hunter” I am.
• There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of “allergies.” I must learn what this means, and how to use it to my advantage.
• Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow, but at the top of the stairs.
• I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches. The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released, and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously an imbecile. The bird must be an informant. I observe him communicate with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe. For now ...

Why Sharks Circle You Before Attacking.
Two great white sharks swimming in the ocean spied survivors of a sunken ship.
"Follow me son" the father shark said to the son shark and they swam to the mass of people.
"First we swim around them a few times with just the tip of our fins showing." And they did.

"Well done, son! Now we swim around them a few times with all of our fins showing." And they did.

"Now we eat everybody." And they did.
When they were both gorged, the son asked, "Dad, why didn't we just eat them all at first?
Why did we swim around and around them?"

His wise father replied, "Because they taste better without the shit inside!"
Now you know... Why Sharks Circle You Before Attacking.

The Hotel Bill
A married couple is traveling by car from Victoria to Prince George. Being Seniors, after almost eleven hours on the road, they were too tired to continue, and decided to take a room. But, they only planned to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road. When they checked out four hours later, the desk clerk handed them a bill for $350.00.

The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high. He told the clerk although it's a nice hotel; the rooms certainly aren't worth $350.00 for four hours. Then the clerk tells him that $350.00 is the 'standard rate'. He insisted on speaking to the Manager.

The Manager appears, listens to him, and then explains that the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference centre that were available for us to use. 'But we didn't use them," the husband said.

''Well, they are here, and you could have," explained the Manager.

The Manager went on to explain that the couple could also have taken in one of the shows for which the hotel is famous. "We have the best entertainers from New York , Hollywood, and Las Vegas perform here," the Manager says.

"But we didn't go to any of those shows," the husband said. "Well, we have them, and you could have," the Manager replied.

No matter what amenity the Manager mentioned, the husband replied, "But we didn't use it!"

The Manager is unmoved, and eventually the husband gave up and agreed to pay. As he didn't have the check book he asked his wife to write the check. She did and gave it to the Manager.

The Manager is surprised when he looks at the check. "But ma'am, this is only made out for $50.00."

''That's correct. I charged you $300.00 for sleeping with me," she replied.

"But I didn't!" exclaims the Manager.

"Well, too bad, I was here, and you could have."

Don't mess with senior citizens. They didn't get there by being stupid!

SENIOR DRESS CODE
Many of us 'Old Folks' (over 50) are quite confused today about how we should present ourselves.


Feeling 'young' , we try to conform to current fashions and present a youthful image.


Contrary to what you may have seen on the streets, the following combinations DO NOT go together and should be avoided:


1. A nose ring and bifocals

2. Spiked hair and bald spots

3. A pierced tongue and dentures

4. Miniskirts and support hose

5. Ankle bracelets and corn pads

6. Speedo's and cellulite

7. A belly button ring and a gall bladder surgery scar

8. Unbuttoned disco shirts and a heart monitor

9. Midriff shirts and a midriff bulge

10. Bikinis and liver spots

11. Mini skirts and varicose veins


And, most importantly…



At some point you have to give up

the 'DAISY DUKE' shorts
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GOD ENJOYS A GOOD LAUGH!
There were 3 good arguments that Jesus was Black:
1. He called everyone brother
2. He liked Gospel
3. He didn't get a fair trial

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Jewish:
1. He went into His Father's business
2. He lived at home until he was 33
3. He was sure his Mother was a virgin and his Mother was sure He was God

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Italian:
1. He talked with His hands
2. He had wine with His meals
3. He used olive oil

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was a Californian:
1. He never cut His hair
2. He walked around barefoot all the time
3. He started a new religion

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was an American Indian:
1. He was at peace with nature
2. He ate a lot of fish
3. He talked about the Great Spirit
But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Irish:
1. He never got married..
2. He was always telling stories.
3. He loved green pastures.


But the most compelling evidence of all - 3 proofs that Jesus was a woman:
1. He fed a crowd at a moment's notice when there was virtually no food
2. He kept trying to get a message across to a bunch of men who just didn't get it
3. And even when He was dead, He had to get up because there was still work to do
Can I get an AMEN!!

Ear Infection


They always ask at the doctor's office why you are there, and you have to answer in front of others what's wrong and sometimes it is embarrassing.

There's nothing worse than a Doctor's Receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong with you in a room full of other patients.
I know most of us have experienced this, and I love the way this old guy handled it.

A 65-year-old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk.

The Receptionist said, 'Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?'

'There's something wrong with my dick', he replied.

The receptionist became irritated and said, 'You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that. '

'Why not, you asked me what was wrong and I told you,' he said.

The Receptionist replied; 'Now you've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private.'
The man replied, 'You shouldn't ask people questions in a roomful of strangers, if the answer could embarrass anyone. The man walked out, waited several minutes, and then re-entered.
The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, Yes??'

'There's something wrong with my ear,' he stated.

The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice. 'And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?'

'I can't piss out of it,' he replied

The waiting room erupted in laughter.

Mess with seniors and you're going to Lose!

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You know it's fall in New England when you have frost warnings one day and temperatures in the 80s the following day

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Cocktail lounge, Norway: LADIES ARE REQUESTED NOT TO HAVE CHILDREN IN THE BAR..

Doctors office, Rome: SPECIALIST IN WOMEN AND OTHER DISEASES.

Dry cleaners, Bangkok: DROP YOUR TROUSERS HERE FOR THE BEST RESULTS.

In a Nairobi restaurant: CUSTOMERS WHO FIND OUR WAITRESSES RUDE OUGHT TO SEE THE MANAGER.

On the main road to Mombassa, leaving Nairobi :
TAKE NOTICE: WHEN THIS SIGN IS UNDER WATER, THIS ROAD IS IMPASSABLE.

On a poster at Kencom: ARE YOU AN ADULT THAT CANNOT READ? IF SO WE CAN HELP.

In a City restaurant: OPEN SEVEN DAYS A WEEK AND WEEKENDS.

In a cemetery: PERSONS ARE PROHIBITED FROM PICKING FLOWERS FROM ANY BUT THEIR OWN GRAVES.

Tokyo hotel's rules and regulations: GUESTS ARE REQUESTED NOT TO SMOKE OR DO OTHER DISGUSTING BEHAVIOURS IN BED.

On the menu of a Swiss restaurant: OUR WINES LEAVE YOU NOTHING TO HOPE FOR.

In a Tokyo bar: SPECIAL COCKTAILS FOR THE LADIES WITH NUTS.

Hotel, Yugoslavia: THE FLATTENING OF UNDERWEAR WITH PLEASURE IS THE JOB OF THE CHAMBERMAID.

Hotel, Japan: YOU ARE INVITED TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THE CHAMBERMAID.

In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox monastery: YOU ARE WELCOME TO VISIT THE CEMETERY WHERE FAMOUS RUSSIAN AND SOVIET COMPOSERS, ARTISTS AND WRITERS ARE BURIED DAILY EXCEPT THURSDAY.

A sign posted in Germany 's Black Forest: IT IS STRICTLY FORBIDDEN ON OUR BLACK FOREST CAMPING SITE THAT PEOPLE OF DIFFERENT SEX, FOR INSTANCE, MEN AND WOMEN, LIVE TOGETHER IN ONE TENT UNLESS THEY ARE MARRIED WITH EACH OTHER FOR THIS PURPOSE..

Hotel, Zurich: BECAUSE OF THE IMPROPRIETY OF ENTERTAINING GUESTS OF THE OPPOSITE SEX IN THE BEDROOM, IT IS SUGGESTED THAT THE LOBBY BE USED FOR THIS PURPOSE.

Advertisement for donkey rides, Thailand: WOULD YOU LIKE TO RIDE ON YOUR OWN ASS?

Airline ticket office, Copenhagen: WE TAKE YOUR BAGS AND SEND THEM IN ALL DIRECTIONS.

A laundry in Rome: LADIES, LEAVE YOUR CLOTHES HERE AND SPEND THE AFTERNOON HAVING A GOOD TIME.

High Urinals

A group of 3rd, 4th, and 5th graders, accompanied by two female teachers,
went on a field trip to the local racetrack, (Churchill Downs ) to learn
about thoroughbred horses and the supporting industry (Bourbon), but mostly
to see the horses.


When it was time to take the children to the bathroom, it was decided that
the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other.
The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the mens room when one
of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the urinal.


Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their pants, and
began hoisting the little boys up one by one, holding on to their 'wee-wees'
to direct the flow away from their clothes.

As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well
endowed. Trying not to show that she was staring the teacher said, 'You
must be in the 5th grade.'

'No, ma'am', he replied. 'I'm riding Silver Arrow in the seventh race, but
I appreciate your help.'

A Fact for Each State


ALABAMA ... Was the first place to have 9-1-1, started in 1968.

ALASKA ... One out of every 64 people has a pilot's license.

ARIZONA .... Is the only state in the continental U.S. That Doesn't follow Daylight Savings Time.

ARKANSAS ... Has the only active diamond mine in the U.S.

CALIFORNIA ... Its economy is so large that if it were a country, It would rank seventh in the entire world.

COLORADO ... In 1976 it became the only state to Turn down the Olympics.

CONNECTICUT ... The Frisbee was invented Here at Yale University.

DELAWARE ... Has more scientists and engineers than any other state.

FLORIDA ... At 759 square miles, Jacksonville is The U.S.'s largest city.

GEORGIA ... It was here, in 1886, that pharmacist John Pemberton made the first vat of Coca-Cola.

HAWAII .. Hawaiians live, on average, five years longer Than residents in any other state.

IDAHO ... TV was invented in Rigby, Idaho, in 1922.

ILLINOIS ... The Chicago River is dyed green every St.Patrick's Day

INDIANA .... Home to Santa Claus, Indiana , Which get a half million letters to Santa every year.

IOWA .... Winnebagos get their name from Winnebago County . Also, it is the only state that begins with two vowels.

KANSAS ... Liberal, Kansas, has an exact replica of The house in The Wizard of Oz.

KENTUCKY ... Has more than $6 billion in gold Underneath Fort Knox.

LOUISIANA ... Has parishes instead of counties Because they were originally Spanish church units.

MAINE ... It's so big, it covers as many square miles As the other five New England states combined.

MARYLAND ... The Ouija board was created in Baltimore in 1892.

MASSACHUSETTS ... The Fig Newton is named after Newton, Massachusetts ..

MICHIGAN ... Fremont, home to Gerber, is the Baby food capital of the world.

MINNESOTA ... Bloomington' s Mall of America is so big, if you Spent 10 minutes in each store, you'd be there nearly four days.

MISSISSIPPI ... President Teddy Roosevelt refused to Shoot a bear here ... that's how the teddy bear got its name.

MISSOURI ... Is the birthplace of the ice cream cone.

MONTANA ... A sapphire from Montana is in the Crown Jewels of England.

NEBRASKA ... More triplets are born here than in any other state.

NEW HAMPSHIRE ... Birthplace of Tupperware, Invented in 1938 by Earl Tupper.

NEW JERSEY ... Has the most shopping malls in one Area in the world.

NEW MEXICO ... Smokey the Bear was rescued from A 1950 forest fire here.

NEW YORK ... Is home to the nation's oldest cattle ranch, Started in 1747 in Montauk.

NORTH CAROLINA ... Home of the first Krispy Kreme doughnut.

NORTH DAKOTA ... Rigby, North Dakota, is the exact Geographic center of North America.

OHIO ... The hot dog was invented here in 1900. OH !!!!

OKLAHOMA ... The grounds of the state capital are Covered by operating oil wells.

OREGON ... Has the most ghost towns in the country.

PENNSYLVANIA ... The smiley, was first used in 1980 By computer scientists at Carnegie Mellon University.

RHODE ISLAND ... The nation's oldest bar, the White Horse Tavern, opened here in 1673

SOUTH CAROLINA ... Sumter County is home to the world's largest gingko farm.

SOUTH DAKOTA ... Is the only state that's never Had an earthquake.

TENNESSEE ... Nashville 's Grand Ole Opry is the longest Running live radio show in the world.

TEXAS ... Dr. Pepper was invented in Waco back in 1885.

UTAH ... The first Kentucky Fried Chicken restaurant Opened here in 1952.

VERMONT ... Montpelier is the only state capital Without a McDonald's.

VIRGINIA ... Home of the world's largest office building .... The Pentagon.

WASHINGTON ... Seattle has twice as many college graduates As any other state.

WASHINGTON D.C. ... Was the first planned capital in the world.

WEST VIRGINIA ... Had the world's first brick paved street, Summers Street, laid in Charleston in 1870.

WISCONSIN ... The ice cream sundae was invented Here in 1881 to get around Blue Laws prohibiting ice cream from being sold on Sundays.

WYOMING ... Was the first state to allow women to vote.