USVI-On-Line

you live in New England..
>
If your local Dairy Queen is closed from September
> through May, you live in New England.
>
> If someone in a Home Depot store offers you assistance
> and they don't work there, you live in New England.
>
> If you've worn shorts and a parka at the same time,
> you live in New England.
>
> If you've had a lengthy telephone conversation with someone
> who dialed a wrong number, you live in New England..
>
> If "Vacation" means going anywhere south of New York City
> for the weekend, you live in New England.
>
> If you measure distance in hours, you live in New England..
>
> If you know several people who have hit a deer more than once,
> you live in New England.
>
> If you have switched from "heat" to "A/C" in the same day and back
> again, you live in New England.
>
> If you can drive 75 mph through 2 feet of snow during a raging
> blizzard without flinching, you live in New England..
>
> If you install security lights on your house and garage, but leave
> both unlocked, you live in New England.
>
> If you carry jumpers in your car and your wife knows how to use
> them, you live in New England.
>
> If you design your kid's Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit,
> you live in New England.
>
> If the speed limit on the highway is 55 mph -- you're going 80 and
> everybody is passing you, you live in New England..
>
> If driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled
> with snow, you live in New England.
>
> If you know all 4 seasons: almost winter, winter, still winter and
> road construction, you live in New England.
>
> If you have more miles on your snow blower than your car,
> you live in New England.
>
> If you find 10 degrees "a little chilly", you live in New England.

GO SOX!!




GO SOX!!

Exercise Routine

New exercise routine. If you're over 40, you might want to take it easy at first, then do it faster as you become more proficient. It may be too strenuous for some.
Always consult your doctor before starting any exercise program!

SCROLL DOWN...






























NOW SCROLL UP..

That's enough for the first day. Great job.

Have a Beer

There is a dangerous virus being passed electronically, orally, and by hand.


This virus is called Worm-Overload-Recreational-Killer (WORK). If you receive WORK from any of your colleagues, your boss, or anyone else via any means, DO NOT TOUCH IT. This virus will wipe out your private life completely.

If you should come into contact with WORK put your jacket on and take two good friends tot he nearest pub. Purchase the antidote known as Work-Isolator-Neutralizer-Extractor (WINE). Take the antidote repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated from your system

You should forward this warning to 5 friends. If you do not have 5 friends, you have already been infected, and WORK is controlling your life.

Update: After extensive testing, it has been concluded that Best-Equivalent-Extrator-Remedy (BEER) may be substituted for WINE, but may require a more generous application. Take care!!

The pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won..

The pastor was so pleased with the donkey
that he entered it in the race
again, and it won again.


The local paper read:


PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT.

The Bishop was so upset with this kind of
publicity that he ordered the
pastor not to enter the donkey in another race.



The next day, the local paper headline
read:



BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR'S ASS.

This was too much for the bishop, so he
ordered the pastor to get rid
of the donkey.


The pastor decided to give it to a nun in a
nearby convent.

The local paper, hearing of the news, posted
the following headline the next day:


NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN.

The bishop fainted.

He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for $10.



The next day the paper read:

NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10.

This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back
the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild..


The next day the headlines read:

NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE.

The bishop was buried the next day.


The moral of the story is . ... being concerned about public opinion
can bring you much grief and misery . .. .even shorten your life.


So be yourself and enjoy life.


Stop worrying about everyone else's ass and you'll be a lot happier and live longer!

Have a great day!

One more, while we're on the subject:

A golfer playing in Ireland hooked his drive into the woods.

Looking for his ball, he found a little Leprechaun flat on his back, a big
bump on his head and the golfer's ball beside him.

Horrified, the golfer got his water bottle from the cart and poured it
over the little guy, reviving him.

'Arrgh! What happened?' the Leprechaun asked.

'I'm afraid I hit you with my golf ball,' the golfer says.

'Oh, I see. Well, ye got me fair and square. Ye get three wishes, so
whaddya want?'

'Thank God, you're all right!' the golfer answers in relief. 'I don't want
anything, I'm just glad you're OK, and I apologize.'

And the golfer walks off.

'What a nice guy,' the Leprechaun says to himself.

I have to do something for him. I'll give him the three things I would
want... A great golf game, all the money he ever needs, and a fantastic sex
life.'

A year goes by and the golfer is back. On the same hole, he again hits a
bad drive into the woods and the Leprechaun is there waiting for him.

'Twas me that made ye hit the ball here,' the little guy says. 'I just
want to ask ye, how's yer golf game?'

'My game is fantastic!' the golfer answers. I'm an internationally famous
golfer now.' He adds, 'By the way, it's good to see you're all right.'

'Oh, I'm fine now, thankye. I did that fer yer golf game, you know. And
tell me, how's yer money situation?'

'Why, it's just wonderful!' the golfer states. 'When I need cash, I just
reach in my pocket and pull out $100.00 bills I didn't even know were
there!'

'I did that fer ye also.' And tell me, how's yer sex life?'

The golfer blushes, turns his head away in embarrassment, and says shyly,
'It's OK.'

C'mon, c'mon now,' urged the Leprechaun, 'I'm wanting to know if I did a
good job. How many times a week?'

Blushing even more, the golfer looks around then whispers, 'Once,
sometimes twice a week.'

'Wha??' responds the Leprechaun in shock. 'That's all? Only once or twice
a week?'

'Well,' says the golfer, 'I figure that's not bad for a Catholic priest in
a small parish.'

If you're not familiar with the work of Steven Wright, he's the famous erudite scientist who once said: "I woke up one morning, and all of my stuff had been stolen and replaced by exact duplicates." His mind sees things differently than most of us do, to our amazement and amusement. Here are some of his gems:

1 - I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

2 - Borrow money from pessimists -- they don't expect it back.

3 - Half the people you know are below average.

4 - 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

5 - 82.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.

6 - A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

7 - A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

8 - If you want the rainbow, you got to put up with the rain.

9 - All those who believe in psycho kinesis, raise my hand.

10 - The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

11 - I almost had a psychic girlfriend, ..... but she left me before we met.

12 - OK, so what's the speed of dark?

13 - How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?

14 - If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

15 - Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

16 - When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

17 - Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

18 - Hard work pays off in the future; laziness pays off now.

19 - I intend to live forever.... so far, so good.

20 - If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

21 - Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

22 - What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

23 - My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."

24 - Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

25 - If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

26 - A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

27 - Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

28 - The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread

29 - To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

30 - The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

31 - The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.

32 - The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.

33 - Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don't have film.

And an all time favorite-

34 - If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?

A blonde teenager, wanting to earn some extra money for the summer, decided to hire herself out
as a "handy-woman" and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood. She went to the front
door of the first house, and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.

"Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch," he said, "How much will you charge me?"

Delighted, the girl quickly responded, "How about $50?"

The man agreed and told her that the paint brushes and everything she would need was in the garage.
The man's wife, hearing the conversation said to her husband, "Does she realize that our porch goes
ALL the way around the house?"

He responded, "That's a bit cynical, isn't it?"

The wife replied, "You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all those dumb blonde jokes we've been
getting by email lately."

Later that day, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.

"You're finished already?" the startled husband asked.

"Yes, the blonde replied, and I even had paint left over, so I gave it two coats."

Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50.00 and handed it to her along with a $10.00 tip.

"And by the way, "the blonde added, "it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus."

Your Body Statistics

It takes your food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach.

One human hair can support 3 kg (6 lb).

The average man's penis is three times the length of his thumb.

Human thighbones are stronger than concrete.

A woman's heart beats faster than a man's.

There are about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet.

Women blink twice as often as men.

The average person's skin weighs twice as much as the brain.

Your body uses 300 muscles to balance itself when you are standing still.

If saliva cannot dissolve something, you cannot taste it.


Women reading this will be finished now.


Men who read this are still busy checking their thumbs

Someone had to remind me, so I'm reminding you too. Don't laugh......it is all true...


Perks of reaching 50 or being over 60 and heading towards 70!

01. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.

02. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.

03. No one expects you to run--anywhere.

04. People call at 9 pm and ask, did I wake you?

05. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.

06. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.

07. Things you buy now won't wear out

08. You can eat supper at 4 pm.

09. You can live without sex but not your glasses.

10. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.

11. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.

12. You quit trying to hold your stomach in no matter who walks into the room.

13. You sing along with elevator music.

14. Your eyes won't get much worse.

15 . Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.

16. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service.

17. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.

18. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.

19.You can't remember who sent you this list...

Linne one from your side of the pond

Al Qaeda Labour Problem


Suicide bombers in Britain are set to begin a three-day strike on Monday in a dispute over the number of virgins they
are entitled to in the afterlife. Emergency talks with Al Qaeda have so far failed to produce an agreement.

The unrest began last Tuesday when Al Qaeda announced that the number of virgins a suicide bomber would receive after his death will be cut by 25% this May from 72 to only 54. The rationale for the cut was the increase in recent years
of the number of suicide bombings and a subsequent shortage of virgins in the afterlife.

The suicide bombers' union, the British Organization of Occupational Martyrs, (B.O.O.M.), responded with a statement
that this was unacceptable to its members and immediately balloted for strike action.

General Secretary Abdullah Amir told the press, "Our members are literally working themselves to death in the cause ofJihad. We don't ask for much in return but to be treated like this is like a kick in the teeth."

Speaking from his shed in Tipton in the West Midlands in which he currently resides, Al Qaeda chief executive Osama
bin Laden explained, "We sympathize with our workers' concerns, but Al Qaeda is simply not in a position to meet theirdemands. They are not accepting the realities of modern-day Jihad in a competitive marketplace".

"Thanks to Western depravity, there is now a chronic shortage of virgins in the afterlife. It's a straight choice
between reducing expenditure and laying people off. I don't like cutting pension benefits, but I'd hate to have totell 3,000 of my staff that they won't be able to blow themselves up."

Spokespersons for the union in the northeast of England, Ireland, Wales and the entire Australian continent stated
that the strike would not affect their operations as "There are no virgins in our areas anyway".

A strike may not be necessary, however, as the number of suicide bombings has been decreasing lately. This hasbeen attributed to the emergence of the Scottish singing star, Susan Boyle. Now that suicide bombers know what a virgin looks like, they are not so keen on going to paradise.

The "word" at church

The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express Praise for answered prayers. A lady stood and walked to the podium.

She said, "I have Praise. Two months ago, my husband, Tom, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him." You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagined the pain that poor Tom must have experienced. "Tom was unable to hold me or the children," she went on, "and every move caused him terrible pain. We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Tom's scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place."

Again, the men in the congregation were unnerved and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Tom. "Now," she announced in a quavering voice, "thank the Lord, Tom is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely."

All the men sighed with relief.. The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say.. A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium.

He said, "I'm Tom." The entire congregation held its breath.
"I just want to tell my wife that the word is sternum."

<a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/27134057@N04/4604428487/" title="jokes may13 by SHOEMAK38, on Flickr"><img src="http://farm5.static.flickr.com/4013/460 ... 2ce6aa.jpg" width="381" height="500" alt="jokes may13"></a>

English essay boo-boos
Every year, English teachers from across the country can submit their collections of actual analogies and metaphors found in high school essays. These excerpts are published each year to the amusement of teachers across the country. Here are some winners from last year. ( stumble across this)
1. Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master.

2. His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.

3. He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.

4. She grew on him like she was a colony of E. Coli, and he was room-temperature Canadian beef.

5. She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.

6. Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.

7. He was as tall as a six-foot, three-inch tree.

8. The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife’s infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM machine.

9. The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn’t.

10. McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup.

11. From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you’re on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 p.m. instead of 7:30.

12. Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze.

13. John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.

14. It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with power tools.

15. He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.

Smile for the Day... "The joys of aging"